i think this post is a great reflection of my sanity

The Isolated Islet

It was a warm soothing summer when our family went out for some break to one of the must-visit places in our town. The islet. The little one across the sea of Malajog was the place we’ve decided to visit.

My aunt – the youngest sister of my mother – just went home from Taiwan. Every time she goes back to town, we always do stuff we do not regularly do on normal days. Yes, I guess my aunt is the kind of person who always does anything new or things that are interesting to work with. She’s the dora the explorer in our tribe, probably, and that’s quite amazing to acknowledge. Anyway, the said Islet is very isolated and empty. When we went there, there was nobody else and the only thing you could observe is the sound of the waving sea – kissing the edges of beautiful rock formations which are naturally scattered all around - circling the islet.

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cooper/audrey fic rec

hi, friends! so, there is a severe lack of twin peaks fic out there. but there is still some good ones, and i decided to put a little list of my favorites together for easier access. i’m gonna break these down by era (season 2/post season 2/future fic)

i might add to this as time goes by too.


i will also try to include triggers, but if i miss anything please let me know and i will add it asap! 

season two:

  • of death and moonbeams (teen, slight adult maybe) >> “I believe I may have gotten my wish—one of them—from the night I was shot: Diane, I made love tonight—three times, in fact—to a beautiful woman for whom I have genuine affection,” Cooper spoke as he leaned back in the chair and took another sip from his coffee mug.“  [part two is here]
  • wonderful and strange (all ages) >> ”Agent Cooper comes back to the Great Northern after a long day of trying to solve the Laura Palmer case. He’s tired, but suddenly he hears music playing in the hallway. Soft, dreamy music. Unable to not investigate, he wanders down the hallway. Who will be standing there dancing alone?
  • dreamy music (teen) >> ”The music in her head is dreamy. And so is Cooper’s touch.“
  • fries and malts (teen) >> "Diane, I’ve just been in the most interesting situation.”
  • a new universe (teen) >> ”Cooper doesn’t want to leave with Audrey thinking he’s perfect, but their subsequent conversation reveals truths he’s been unwilling to analyse.“
  • no more secrets (teen) >> "I can’t stop wanting her, wanting to breathe her very breath, wanting to feel her trembling in my bones, wanting to see the clarity of her eyes as we share the gift she’s been guarding so carefully. I smile down at her and am struck once again by the contrasts that are Audrey Horne: a young face with old eyes…
  • nine tenths (adult, dub con tw) >> “I’m not sorry,” Audrey said again, behind him, gently implacable, planting hooks. “I’m not.” […] "I have to try to be,“ he said.”

post season two:

  • through the woods and far away (all ages) >> “Audrey Horne defeats a demon, rescues a not-really-a-damsel in distress and finally gets that horse she always wanted.”
  • promise made (adult) >> “This is just the beginning,” Audrey claims. It sounds like a vow.“
  • in this distance (adult) >> ”Audrey Horne doesn’t believe in ghosts, except for the one that lives in Dale Cooper.“

future fic:

  • coffee and company (all ages) >> “Years might have passed, but memory is the purest form of time travel.”
  • coming home (all ages) >> “It’s more than just the name that changed when Audrey took over.”
  • resurgence (teen/adult) >> “Seven years after Cooper escaped the Black Lodge, the experience still haunts him. Audrey decides to fix this.”
  • in the dark night, remember me (teen) >> “Cooper is freed from the Black Lodge; Audrey has left Twin Peaks for a new life in Texas. But as Cooper’s lingering nightmares threaten his sanity, Audrey discovers that the connection between them is stronger than she realized.”
  • untying (adult) >> “Audrey wrote him brief notes all that next year.”
  • black (adult) >> “It’s not the first time they’ve gone this far - her first time with her special agent had been months before when she graduated college and he flew out to see her.”
  • special agent audrey horne (all ages) >> “Audrey Horne is all grown up and graduating from Quantico. She thinks it’s time to find Dale Cooper.
  • paper red (teen) >> "This burning eye will see me through.”
  • that old evil spirit (teen) >> “Special Agents Cooper and Horne are assigned to a missing persons case in Arizona. They don’t realize how close a connection it has to Twin Peaks until they get there.”
  • audrey’s dance (all ages) >> “Nobody had come out of it intact, but Audrey works hard to fix it all, even if it takes her twenty five years to do it.”
  • coffee at the great northern (all ages) >> “It is 25 years after BOB tried to kill Dale Cooper, and after a long time of not visiting the town, Cooper finally goes back. Focused on teaching a new police team about the evil that lingers in the forest, he meets an old friend. And she is just as dreamy as she was 25 years earlier.

alternate universe

  • ways i could not predict (teen, infidelity tw) >> “AU in which Audrey Horne is not the daughter of Benjamin Horne, but a prostitute at One-Eyed Jack’s, trying to earn money for college. Dale Cooper is the deputy of Twin Peaks, who is getting married to a special Annie Blackburn quite soon, until things become compromised when his friends make the mistake of setting him up with a girl on the night of his bachelor party. 
Unapologetically Yours

I’ve been talking with a good friend of mine lately who is struggling with other people’s opinions of him. He feels the need to give an explanation to every action and bases a lot of what he does on how he thinks people will perceive him. He is constantly plagued with an underlying fear of causing disappointment, apologizing for himself before he even knows if what he did warrants an apology.
I know how tiring that is. I have always called myself a “reformed introvert”. It took truly immersing myself into this band, committing to my life and marching forward toward this whole “no back up plan” to truly come out of my shell.
I remember always worrying about what other people thought, and putting their comfort and happiness above my own, even to the point where it affected me physically.
I’m here to tell you that there is a way out of that shell! And there is a balance to be had, because respecting yourself does not mean that you are selfish, and it doesn’t mean you have to be a dick. It means that you have a great understanding of your surroundings, yourself and what truly matters.
I want to encourage you to stop apologizing for everything. Before “I’m sorry” comes out of your mouth, ask yourself “why”, and if you truly are.
And before you give an explanation to justify your actions, ask yourself why you feel the need to. You don’t need to censor yourself just to comfort someone else’s ignorance. And you are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness.
Me? I care about people, it’s part of what I do. If I see someone hurting, I want to help. It is my choice to help. Some people cannot be helped, and I have had to make that decision not to drown with them. I also care about me. I care about my sanity, and clarity. Because if I lose that… I cannot be a help to anyone else. Remember that Only By loving who we are do we truly open the door to love someone else.
I believe that Every choice You make should be your own. Don’t be scared of disappointing anyone because there’s Always gonna be someone who is disappointed no matter what you do.
For example, I had to make a hard decision last summer, to not finish a tour because of what I now know is a vocal change I am going through ( see my first tumblr blog post). There was a lot of love and understanding I got from people, and there also was a lot of hate. So much of both, that due to the volume of negative, battled by the positive people reporting all of it that FB actually shut my page down for a few days! Ha!! Truth is, I know that if I had continued on that tour and couldn’t give everyone my 100% or even my 80%… Someone would’ve been disappointed and hated me for that too.
In my position, Every action I make causes a ripple of passionate, and differing “opinion wars”. What I wear, what I eat, what I drink, my hair color, the occasional recreational weed or cigar… It’s a classic damned if you do, damned if you don’t scenario.
I do appreciate all the passion people have for who I am and what I do! That is the beauty of music, impacting someone’s life in such a way that they feel the need to express their opinions. I’m grateful to be in a very amazing position in my life where I’m able to touch so many people.
I’m giving these examples of my life to help paint the picture of what everyone goes through now in this Internet/Social Media age we are in. Because everyone has a hard time separating the Internet with real life from time to time. And coming from someone who was born before the Internet…I feel the need to reiterate that people’s opinions of you online, good or bad, do not reflect who you are in real life. Only You know your story. And who cares if everyone agrees or disagrees with your story… It’s not theirs. It’s Yours. Just like my life is Mine.

“someones gotta hate, it’s never gonna change, it gets harder everyday, it’s a hell of a place to keep your heart from freezing, to keep yourself believing…
But I won’t run, I’m not afraid… I’ll look em in the eye, gonna hear me say it’s…
My life, my love, my sex, my drug, my lust, my god, it ain’t no sin… Can I get an Amen?”

“I promise to myself, me and no one else, I am more than this…I am the fire”

“Step into my closet and maybe you’ll find something that’ll scare you, something that you like…”

“I’m unapologetic with you tonight, nothing to hide, turn on the lights, all of the lights and I’ll take you as you are”

“I’m a sick individual and I’m doing this thing called whatever the fuck I want”

I’m currently encouraging my friend to do what he loves, unapologetically. And if he makes changes in his life, do it for him, not because he thinks someone’s opinion will change because of it.

As always, I hope that through putting pieces of myself out there on this blog, you in turn will find some peace and insight to carry on your own journey xx

In closing… Life’s too damn short…Might as well be happy!
Rock on my little freaks…Rock on!


In response to...

Alright, to start off obviously I am a huge fan of Misha Collins. Spending two seconds on my blog will inform you of that. Secondly, as a general rule, I don’t get into the arguments within the fandom – whomever they may regard – simply because it takes a lot of energy and I know how emotionally invested I get in everything so for my own sanity I just blog what I love and ignore what I don’t. In spite of that, I actually do appreciate and even welcome respectful, reasoned debate about the things that I love. I’m not naïve enough to expect every person on the planet, or even on Tumblr, thinks the way that I do or loves the things that I do. So when this post was brought to my attention, I gave it a read. And I have some thoughts. Now I am going to endeavor to be as polite and respectful as possible. In some parts this will be very easy as I do actually agree with a couple of points; however, I wholly disagree with others and yet others I find to be unfounded or based on things that untrue.

“I feel like Misha doesn’t have a filter,”

You’re absolutely correct. He does not. While I can fully understand how this could rub people the wrong way (and even offend some), for many of us that love Misha, it’s one of the qualities that draw us to him. Part of the reasoning behind that could be that some of us wish we had the guts to just say whatever we think. Some of us may just find it hilarious, as our sense of humor aligns with his. Is it a bit unprofessional? Possibly. But we’re not talking about the CEO of a major corporation, or an attorney, or a doctor here. He’s an actor. On a show that appeals to a demographic that is not particularly known for its manners. His public persona is combination of his own personality and a reflection of the audience that he caters to.

“Like when he encouraged those two complete strangers that were cosplaying Dean and Cas to kiss onstange,”

Ok, I’m going to have to stop you there. I’m not sure if you’re referencing this incident based on having viewed the footage (or having been in attendance) or by hearsay, but that is not how that went down. During a Castiel cosplay contest, the various Castiel’s were describing which Cas they were representing. When one claimed he was “Destiel Castiel,” Misha feigned ignorance regarding the term “Destiel” and asked what it meant. The cosplayer replied “Give me a Dean and I’ll show you.” At this point Misha called for a volunteer that was dressed as Dean. I’m gonna say that important word again – volunteer. The young lady dressed as Dean went up on stage of her own free will – one can make an educated assumption that she was familiar with the term Destiel – exchanged a few words with the “Cas” and then they kissed. Misha at no point “encouraged those two complete strangers … to kiss on stage.”

“He just never gets hate for things he says or does” “No one calls him out on it”

While I imagine this is not completely true (you’re calling him out on many things in this post) I do agree that as a fandom we may tend to gloss over many things when it comes to Misha. I don’t think it’s right, but I do see it happen. There have been times that I have not agreed with something Misha has said or found it to be inappropriate. Did I “call him out” on it? Can’t say that I did, but then again I also haven’t gone after Jared or Jensen publicly when I’ve disagreed with things that they’ve said. (See original statement about not really getting into the arguments.) I do think that we as fans should speak out when celebrities cross major lines and that we should not just blindly follow and accept everything they say and do. We should also recognize that these are human beings and will say things sometimes that maybe shouldn’t be said. We all do, most of us are just blessed to not have microphones attached to us when it happens.

I’m not really going to go into the whole Jared getting attacked way more than Misha point because it’s basically true. Even though I am by no means Jared’s biggest fan, I don’t understand the constant hate that gets thrown his way. People need to chill out and realize that he has a right to say whatever he wants and in turn they have a right to be offended by it and just go on about their lives. In another point of agreement, Jared did not say anything inherently wrong or offensive at the Nerd HQ panel on Sunday.

“Jensen basically saying Destiel will never happen (because it won’t and he was just being honest) …and him getting called homophobic.”

We agree yet again. I do have a couple of issues with how Jensen has handled some questions in the past. I’m sorry, barreling over the young lady at NJCon who was asking about the possible interpretation of Dean’s character as bi – because she herself was bi and could see similarities – was not cool in my book. He completely cut off her question, which was being asked in a respectful manner and didn’t even specifically have to with Destiel, and accused her of “ruining it for everyone.” I thought this was rude, disrespectful and uncalled for. However, this does NOT make him a homophobe. I don’t know why he responded like that on this particular occasion as he has handled other sensitive questions much more diplomatically. But the amount of chaos and vitriol and hate that Jensen receives for his opinion on Destiel is ridiculous.

“…it seems like Misha overshadows everyone else in the cast.”

Being a fan of Misha more so than I am of Jared or Jensen individually makes me want to disagree here. I feel that Jared and Jensen very much maintain the spotlight at events even when Misha is present. This could be bias from my side as I can never get too much Misha. But to speak to your point of view I must reference a great article that was published after SDCC as I can’t say it any better:

“It’s as simple as that: Misha Collins gets fandom. He is known by the Supernatural fans as a very humble down-to-Earth person who engages with his fans on a regular basis both online and in real life. Many people have been touched by his words, his crazy ways and his general attitude towards life. He invites people to join his lifestyle with great projects such as GISHWHES and Random Acts. But that’s not all, Misha is also very well educated on fandom and he knows how to treat fans on sensitive topics such as slash shipping.”

And that’s the gist of it. We respond to him so fervently because he gets us. Jared and Jensen are great. We love them. But they are much more…unattainable. They’re separate. I can’t really explain it without coming off like I’m accusing them of thinking they’re better than us, because I don’t think that at all.

“…the only reason Cas has stayed on the show as long as he has is because the fans like him.”

You got me there. I agree. It pains me to say it, because I’m one of the fans that loves him and wants him to continue to be a part of the show, but I see where they stretch to fit him in. I see where they twist him and frankly make horrible choices in regards to his character in order to keep him around. But this issue is more for the producers and the writers; it can’t really be put on Misha. He shows up and does his job. That the fans like him is due in large part to his public persona. But the fact that we have latched on to him and his character and in order to appease us the writers keep him on, often at cost to the character, is not lost on all of us.

iamtheunicosm  asked:

I hope this question is not too personal but what was your dark tea time of the soul like?

Dark Tea Time of the Soul? I have no idea if that was a typo or what but from now on I’m definitely going to call it that. 

Typically the term is “dark night of the soul” and it comes from the poetry of Saint John of the Cross. 

If you want an intense and metaphorical example, think of Jesus on the cross. Jesus was a son of God, a naturally gifted and awakening individual. His life had been guided by God’s grace and endless love. When he was brutally beaten, tortured, and crucified, he experienced anguish beyond anything he had before known. That is when he cried out “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

That was Jesus’ dark night of the soul. It is that moment in time in which all of your power, all of your understanding, all of your faith can do nothing to save you. To move through the dark night of the soul, you must not run away. But you also must not attempt to force your way through it. If there is one lesson taught by the dark night, it is surrender. 

For most people, myself included, the dark night of the soul is not a single moment but perhaps a few different periods of time in our life. If I were to look back and count, I would say I have experienced three. 

  1. The first was in college as a freshman. My father had just died the year before, I moved from a small and sheltered privileged town into a larger collegiate context, and I was utterly lost. My roommate would go out drinking most nights and was busy pledging a frat. All of my initial “yay college!” friends went separate ways into different frats, while I didn’t. I spent a lot of time alone in my room. The pain and confusion is what caused me to seek, and in seeking I came to meditation and the spiritual path. Things improved vastly from there, including college and my social life. 
  2. The second was after college. My girlfriend of six years and I split up, I had no career prospects, and I was living at home. Meanwhile my college friends were living in NYC and working on Wall Street. I felt as if the rug had been ripped out from under me and I woke every morning with a heavy dread in my gut. This was the time I discovered Sufi poetry, Tibetan buddhist teachings such as those given by the Dalai Lama and Pema Chodron, and Tonglen meditation. I was also seeing a therapist weekly, who was a great guy. It helped me to slowly soften my knots and release my suffering. It took two years. 
  3. The third is now. I’m finishing the end of a post-baccalaureate premedical program at Columbia, which was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It has changed me in invaluable ways. But last summer I had an episode of muscle spasms from which I still haven’t healed. Since then I have been plagued with insomnia and continual bodily discomfort. It disturbs my meditation, lowers my performance on exams, and keeps me in a somewhat self-concerned mindset. I take the MCAT next Saturday and I finish my program’s last course by August. Until then, I am praying and doing whatever I can but I’m starting to discover how little control I have. 

The thing about the dark night of the soul is that it is a very good sign. Don’t get me wrong, it is hell. But it is the opportunity to permanently alter your state of delusion for the better. The first time around, it was my first real movement from the suffering of ignorance to the peace of clarity. The second time, it was the movement from an unconscious heart to a conscious Heart. The third time? I have no idea. It sucks but at this point I have no other choice but to surrender to the fierce grace that is guiding this time of my life.

None of it is easy but from the perspective of existential sanity, there is no other real choice. We either turn back to the comfort of delusion or we allow grace to smash our illusions and see what remains when the dust settles. 

Hopefully I’ll have something inspiring to share by the end of it all come this Fall. 

And thank you for this question, it has given me a much appreciated opportunity to reflect. 

Namaste. Much love.