Hey, so if you’ve noticed how I pretty much have been dead on tumblr for a while….. I finally got around to refilling my queue! I can look like a normal person again.
Also have thought a lot about how I used to write a lot of personal posts about my life and my work and all that before I moved and sometimes I consider doing that again but mostly I think I’ll continue to be silent on it all. With personal matters, there’s a lot going on and public conversation is not something I want a part of it. With work, I both love my job a great deal and most of my former posts were some version of complaints or venting frustration, which I don’t need to really do any more, and also given the amount of information I share and the much more unique nature of my work (particularly as compared to before), it would be very easy to identify where I work if I talked a bit too much about it, so I’ll refrain on that front too. But here’s a general update:
As mentioned, I love my job. I do a wild number of things. I work weird hours. I’ve learned so so much and I have no idea anymore what a career path looks like for me and that still scares me but hey, I love my job sooooo.
My doggo is amazing and the love of my life. He’s made huge progress and the stress of being a single mother to a neurotic mess has considerably calmed. We are both still mild neurotic messes but we’re doing quite well.
Supergirl and I are still together and coping with living on opposite sides of the country, along with various other things, but we’re working on getting her to the Happy State where I live very soon.
I’ve been doing my photography again and have done several weddings in the past few months and have several more booked, plus am picking up a good number of senior portrait sessions, which I love.
For various reasons, I’ll probably be resuming therapy soon after a year and a half without, BUT honestly I’m in the best mental space I’ve been since probably like 2011 or so (when the weight of grad school began to drown me), so all is well and good. (I will probably have an anxiety disorder the rest of my life, and depression will always be a companion lurking in the back of my brain, but the three of us have made arrangements which allow me to live my life quite to my satisfaction.)
“I miss him as a human being and I miss working with him. What an unfortunate thing it is that we won’t be able to see the beauty of his expression… He was incredibly special and that doesn’t even come close to encapsulating who he is, who he was… I’m trying to have relationships that are as real as they possibly can be on a movie set, be close to people because I know that it’s precious. And I know, not only can this career end in a very short period of time and this or that can happen, but that life is precious. I think losing Heath and being a part of a family that was something like the movie, the movie we all made together, makes you see that, makes you appreciate that and hopefully moves you away from the things that really don’t matter to the things that do.” - Jake Gyllenhaal #9YearsWithoutHeath
Hey I know we don’t talk anymore but I hope
I know I left but there are days where I miss your presence, there are days where I wish I could just
message you and talk like we used to. There are
days where I spend my entire night thinking and
worrying about you. I wonder if you miss me too
or if you pause for a second in your day and think
about me. Do I ever cross your mind… and even if
I did it doesn’t even matter because we don’t talk anymore, maybe that really gets to me sometimes
because I wish we still did. The thing is I’m okay
without you, you are no longer an important part
of my life. I’m okay and I don’t shed a tear over
you, but there’s a part of me deep down that still
cares and that part brings me to my knees. I wish
things didn’t have to be this way, but I guess you
just have to let go of the things that are weighing
you down and bringing unnecessary stress in your
life. I pray for you, I pray that you’re okay as it’s the
only thing that’ll truly help, and maybe one day our
paths will cross again. Until then goodbye stranger
with some memories.
Excerpt from a book I will never write #23
Jenseternity / instagram
The yoi fandom went from screaming over weekly new episodes to screaming over new official art and I genuinely really like that.
I think it’s cool that we can find joy and fuel our headcanons and whatnot with just a single image, and appreciate it for what it is, even if it is obviously much less content than a new episode.
Perhaps part of it is because they’re released irregularly and without prior notice but I think it’s really cool to see that the fandom is still active and still loves the series and all its little things like new art or new merch design or what have you.
We’re still alive and we appreciate and love all the little treats we get, no matter how small, and thinking about it just makes me really happy.
I think the older I get the more apparent it becomes that it doesn’t really matter if my theology is “right” or if I believe parts of the Bible are literal or if I think I know what happens when we die. What really matters is how I love people and if my neighbor has food and if people around the world are getting their basic needs met. Those are things that I can actually do something about. Those are things that bring life. Those are the things that Jesus cares about.
always see that, when it comes to mixed asari families, there seems to be an
assumption that the asari side holds all the power. That the way asari age
gives them an unfair advantage, that there’s a power imbalance. After
all, twenty years in a relationship is nothing for an asari right? Drop in the
bucket. And while I don’t agree, because asari seem to think and feel at the
same speed we do, that’s not the part that really bothers me. It’s the kids and
the fathers. That asari culture emphasizes motherhood and that mother raise
children alone by choice, deliberately closing the door on the fathers’ faces.
So, give me
asari who like their non-asari relatives. Give asari who protect their in-laws
fiercely because family is more than blood. Give me asari who cling to their
family no matter their race.
Give me a
turian whose brother married an asari and when he dies, it’s his wife who takes
care of his family. Give me asari grand-aunts-in-law who keep track of their
in-laws through generations and knows everybody’s birthdays and always has to
send gifts to the four corners of the galaxy. Give me asari who served 80 years
in the hierarchy like their dads and cousins. Give me a turian who cut ties
with her own asari half-grand-aunt some generations removed because she doesn’t
think she has the right, but when her kid is a biotic, that asari is there to
help, because “you may not like me young lady but your father did and your
grandmother did and like hell I’m going to let their great-grandson and so
learn from turian ‘biotics’” matriarch wisdom.
Give me “Blue”
salarian clans, dynasties intertwined with asari lines since first contact. Where
there isn’t a distinction between asari family members and salarian family
members because they’ve been taking care of each other for 2700 years. Give me
salarians whose research started with their great-great-great-grandfather and his
asari daughter, who was there every step of the way for every generation, and
is their research partner now. Give me asari who go to every funeral, and there’s
one every two years but there’s also new eggs to fawn over every three.
Give me an
asari who goes with their volus half-sibling to Irune when they grow old, and
doesn’t mind the environmental suit, because they’re just walking in their
shoes for some years when they spent a lifetime trapped in the same suits just
to be able to live alongside the other races.
batarian orphans taken in by asari relatives who don’t care about their caste
or what the rest of the republics think about their culture. Give asari who
still haven’t given up on their estranged half-sibling’s descendants, even when
they face threats and every family meeting ends on a debate about ethics and
asari who buy ships and give it to their quarian relatives, because maybe they
can’t convince them to settle down planetside, but they can support them
nonetheless. Give me more asari who died on Rannoch.
asari who fuss all over their elcor nephews when they take a fall even though
it’s completely unnecessary in conventional gravity and get all fussed over
when they take a fall because asari are so tiny and fragile.
generations of drell who all have the same asari face in their memories because
it’s always the same asari who comes to Khaje to visit, and gets to know their
new family members, and is there when sickness takes their breath away.
asari who help their krogan siblings get into thessian universities. Give me
asari who live on Tuchanka and keep on trying when the rest of the galaxy call
the krogan a lost cause.
Give me half-feral
vorcha clans who worship the blue goddess who visits sometimes with gifts from
the stars, and the asari cares about them, but still encourages that because some
people are just a special kind of crazy (and lactose intolerant) (and totally a
Give me a
bullied hanar whose parents make a mysterious vid-call, and a week later there’s
a squad of Eclipse commandos ready to beat some bullies up in the living room,
and a rough matriarch in the kitchen who calls their grand-parent kiddo and has
the best stories ever.
People think there’s nothing really important about movies or music or what you could call culture. There’s nothing sacred about it. It’s considered snooty to think this stuff matters nowadays, but I believe it does. I’m not saying it matters more than other things, but it matters to me, and it’s part of being human. That’s enough for me.
This might be an old issue but I don’t really like Jimin’s abs and here’s why
He chooses them over food
He feels like his self worth is tied to them
So many of his other beautiful physical attributes are ignored because of them
When he has them, it’s all people talk about
People basically ignored the other awesome things about him for like 2 years until he “lost” them
Personal preference, I think his tummy looks better without them <3 (but he’s always gorgeous no matter what)
I really hope that this post is redundant and that he’s okay with not having abs. Because it breaks my heart that he seems to think that having defined abdominal muscles is an integral part of his appeal. But it’s not.
So here are some great things about Jimin (but not all of them because the full list is endless!):
His sunshine eye smile
His lips omg
Animals always like him
His amazing voice
The way he always puts others first
His crazy awesome dancing abilities
The cute way he stands with his feet at a ninety-degree angle
His soulful droopy doe eyes
The Holy Jibooty
His infectious laughter
The way he sits with his knees together and his hands on his knees
Park Jimin is beautiful regardless of how much he weighs and whether or not he has abs and I really hope he knows that, because all of us do!
I receive a LOT of asks from new lifters/baby lifters and people considering starting to lift and a lot are very similar. I’m really flattered that people look up to me and come to me for advice so thank you guys💞 however, I think it might be convenient to make a big, general post for you guys.
Not all of these tips and strategies are mine! Some I came up with, some I’ve read and seen from other lifters. I am not trying to steal anyone’s credit. No pun intended 😉
rating: 13+ (707 route + secret 02 end spoilers, idk saeran yells a lot here…)
notes: GOD. i didn’t think it’d take me two damn months to write chapter two. sorry. part of it was me working on other things and part of it was that this fic is a little hard to write because of the setting. i finally, finally ground some things out so hopefully writing won’t take as long. the keyword here is hopefully.
anyway, i’m a little worried that saeran is a bit spotty here. especially… well, you’ll see. i hope you guys enjoy this update. i’ll try to be more frequent from now on. TT_TT
Srsly u think Richard is hot?! He has a weird nose and face. You can't see his teeth, he isn't very muscular and he is balding. I really don't see the appeal. Jensen is hot. Richard is not.
Yes I think Richard is hot, and let me tell you why. And yes Jensen is also hot. Very much so.
Maybe Rich isn’t the conventional handsome, maybe if I hadn’t known who he was and I had seen him in a bar or in the grocery store he wouldn’t have caught my eye. Or maybe he would. I don’t know.
For me, it’s the total package that matters. Richard has that, and for the most part that is driven by his personality. He is incredibly witty, quick on his feet, he’s a gentleman, he’s intelligent, non-judgmental and he seems genuinely interested in people and overall just very kind. And all of that comes in a pretty attractive package if you ask me. Richard not muscular? Sweetie have you seen recent pics of him shirtless? Those arms are pretty darn diddly muscular if you ask me! He has a wonderful body and if he dresses right (which he has been doing a lot recently) you can tell that he has a great body. I mean he’s 46. I don’t know that many men in my life that are that age and look that great! Balding? Well when men age their hair gets thinner. I think Rich’s mane still looks wonderful.
I could go on about how wonderful he is for days, however I’m not going to try to convince you since you’ve already made up your mind. I honestly don’t really get why you’d come here to my blog to send me this. Surely you must have better ways to waste your time.
Oliver and Felicity - Until You Come Back Home by Ms. BB
I loved this song. The line, “Wondering if I dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life” makes me think of Felicity Smoak every single time I hear this song. I really feel like this is the question that haunts her since the 4x16 breakup. I always think it’s a little of both for her. She feels like she dodged a bullet and lost the love of her life. I think she focuses on the “dodged a bullet” part of her feelings and squashes down the “lost the love of her life” feelings. The question, of course, that she has to answer is… which matters more to her.? (Psst… it’s the later. She won’t want to live without the love of her life anymore)
It was a process. At first, I had to forgive you even though I wanted nothing else but to hate every piece of your being. That was probably the hardest part. Forgiving someone who’s knowingly hurt you when you believed they would never do such a thing is next to impossible.
Then, I had to accept that you care more about her than you ever cared about me. I still don’t think that you two are cute. I probably never will. But you’re together and you’re happy, so I guess that’s all that really matters. My opinion is completely irrelevant. She probably hates me anyway so it wouldn’t matter.
Then I had to let it go. I didn’t stop caring; I just stopped worshipping the ground that you walked on. I put you down on the same level that we’re all on; the one where we’re all shitty people with good intentions. We screw up a lot. You screwed up with me. I wasn’t so great either. That’s okay. I forgive you. I hope you forgive me, too.
But I knew I was okay again when I listened to “Over You” by Daughtry and fully believe every word of that song this morning. I woke up thinking of a boy with eyes like a storm instead of you and yours that are like a calm sea. (I like ferocious storms of people more than calm and predictable ones anyway.) I listened to “Begin Again” by Taylor Swift and imagined starting over with someone new. I’m over you. I’m okay again. It’s beautiful.
i stopped accepting crap and demanded something more from life // an excerpt from a book i’ll never write #63
I think it's settled that Even didn't fall in love because he was manic. Is it possible that he went manic because he fell in love?
Thanks for saying that’s settled. I did write a lot about it didn’t I? XD I got really excited by your question so thanks for asking it! Now onto your question:
Firstly, I’m not actually sure Even is in love with Isak by the end of sesong 3. I’m part of these horrible people who believe Isak’s “does it matter?” at the end of the sesong is one of the most beautiful, healthy, and ultimately romantic ending we could have gotten and I am so grateful for it.
Of course, that only speaks of Isak’s state of mind at that moment, not Even’s. But the only time Even said he loved Isak was in his suicide text. That’s not a romantic “elsker deg”. That’s a: I’m going to die, I cared a lot about you and the only words strong enough for what I am feeling in this moment of distress are “elsker deg”.
To me, at the end of the sesong, they are both on their way to falling in love but they’re not quite there yet. It doesn’t mean they don’t care deeply about each other and it won’t prevent me from referencing to their relationship as “love”. They love each other just not quite the absolute romantic way yet. But that’s just my opinion/headcanon.
Secondly, hypo/manic episodes can get triggered as well as they can happen seemingly untriggered. Amongst the triggers for an episode, we have anything that causes a change in routine and/or stress/anxiety/any-fucking-strong-emotion-ever. A new relationship is amongst them. But a lot of the time, what will trigger an episode is a combination of things. For example: you could be moving houses. That, in itself, is the most stressful thing in the world. But it’s often not an isolated trigger. With moving houses we often change jobs too, get away from our usual group of friends, have to learn new habits, new routines, get used to new environment, etc. Maybe you are moving in with a loved one? That too is stressful: what if the relationship doesn’t work? Or what if it does? What if you’re made for each other and it’s the most glorious and important day ever and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH All of these combined make for a great trigger.
But saying that Even’s crush on Isak triggered his mania would be unfair to Isak and fundamentally untrue. I think it was a combination of things:
Even had an episode at Bakka (we still don’t know if it was mania, mind you, could have been depression or mixed or hypomania) from which he is still reeling, at least socially. He just changed schools (1), is having problems with his long term (2bis) girlfriend (2), has rumours being spread about him (3), has probably lost a few friends (4), develops a new crush (5), is smoking and drinking regularly (6, although some people react well to weed and use it successfully to self medicate and I don’t want to generalise) then he breaks up with his girlfriend (7), gets into a new romantic relationship (8) and he stopped sleeping much (9).
That’s a lot to happen to Even in a very short time. I think more than “did Even go manic because he fell in love?” it’s “did Even go manic because a lot of important parts of his life changed radically in a very short amount of time and that would make anyone freak out but his brain has a special kind of freak out?”.
And to that second question, I say yes. Very likely.
Thanks again for your question! (I’m going to put it under “the flippening!” in my SKAM&bipolar masterpost hehehe) It was fun to think about.
But what if it doesn’t work out? What if something goes wrong and for once, you can’t fix it, and you’ve spent all your time on something that’s doomed to fail in the end?”
“I guess I never thought of it that way. Loving her…it’s just second nature now. It’s a part of who I am. And even if we screw up, that part will still be there. I won’t stop loving her if we don’t make it. So I don’t think it really matters if we last. Every moment I get with her is worth the risk.
D’ye think I don’t know?” he asked softly. “It’s me that has the easy part now. For if ye feel for me as I do for you—then I am asking you to tear out your heart and live without it.
Dragonfly in Amber, chapter 46
The clip of Jamie that did not make it into episode 213 adds a new layer of pain and sadness…when I first saw it yesterday, I went back to rewatch sections of Dragonfly in Amber and wondered where this scene may have fit in. Difficult to know, of course, and it really does not matter where it would have been placed. In the episode as it aired, we know how Claire looked as she lived without her heart. This deleted scene gives us our first look at Jamie living without his heart.
They went from touching at the stones to…
…a bewildered Claire unsure of what just happened…
…to Jamie, making his way back to Culloden House after his heart has been torn out.
(First and second photos credit Outlander Starz, third photo still shot from Outlander Starz deleted scene 213)
I get quite a few private messages on here, and I’m very very happy to help with providing as many recourses as possible if you need them - however, if you ask me for help whilst in the same sentence talk about other results you find being unattractive, bad, ugly, too this, too that, then I’m a lot less likely to want to help.
The results you’re talking about could be mine, they could be a friends, they could be one of your friends, not that that matters, but I just think it’s very unnecessary to make unkind comments about someone else’s body that they have put online for the sake of education. I’m not saying you have to love every single surgery result you find at all, I’m just saying you don’t need to vocalise your opinion on someone else’s body (especially on a part they have no control overl!!), if it is a negative or one.
If you really feel like you need to talk about their body then please do so as if they were in the room.