i think this is my longest post ever on this blog

Why I will never have kids

This will probably be the longest tumblr post I’ve ever written, but after receiving yet another “oh you’ll change your mind”-comment from a random on the internetz, I feel like I need/want to rant a bit. Mostly written for myself because.. ah god damn I don’t have anything better to do with my time right now ok??

Keep reading


i post a lot of photos of my apartment, because this is the longest I’ve ever been in one place (really, ever), and so I finally have a space where I feel nested and where there are places for things. 

since our lives settled down a little a few years ago, we’ve been slowly buying real-er, better furniture, bit by bit accumulating the RIGHT pieces instead of just whatever we can get our hands on for the smallest amount of money possible (because we’re just going to move again in a year/because we are flat broke). 

i tried to be methodical: first fix the kitchen, because we need it every day; then, the living room because that’s where we entertain; next, the dining room, because I’d LIKE to spend more time in there. the last room to get the treatment was the bedroom.

i think now that maybe that was the wrong order to do things. but it makes sense, if you know me. i make sure the parts that people can see look great and function the way people need them to. but my inner recesses are a little chaotic and maybe the furniture’s broken, or, say, the lighting makes me wish I didn’t have eyes.

well, finally, we tackled it. it was a last year goal, but i don’t mind that it carried over. here’s what i did:

the dresser is new. if you can believe it, until today, i didn’t use our old dresser because it was too small. i just used the closet. i had to completely reorganize every time we did laundry if i didn’t want to live out of piles. for six years.

the mirror is new, and was a splurge. it weighs a ton, and it’s made of reclaimed wood. it’s gorgeous. i got it so that i could throw out the old, small one I’d been using that i bought when i was 15 years old at a Caldor on Long Island. throwing the old mirror out was the most satisfying part of the whole thing, it felt ritualistic. (the backwards watch face was a gift from my father.)

the lamp is new. it shows up really yellow in photos, partially because the walls are yellow. it’s not so bad in real life. in fact, i love the mood. i have a thing about lights. if I’m reading I can’t stand to see a bulb, it becomes all i can see, it irritates me. for years i lived with just the glaring overhead light that the apartment came with.

the bedding is new, too. the old duvet cover was torn and ill-fitting, and the pillow cases would come off at night while we were asleep because they were too small. now we have a yellow/white/gray thing in there that’s slightly different from the rest of the place, and I like it a lot.

so. now the space that’s just for me feels as comfortable and functional as the spaces everyone else uses. inner recesses? sorted. er, getting there.

living/surviving, intention/avoidance, energy/neglect, you know?