i think this is becoming a habit

Why I struggle with attachment

I have this habit of becoming very very distant or overly attached very quickly…


Person I think is cute: *calls me cute once*

Me: *latches to them and showers them with literally all of my love all at once and scares them away* Oops.


Person I don’t have feelings for: *calls me cute*

Me: *slithers away into a dark cave after trying to push myself into settling for said person I have no feelings for* why am I like this? Said person was perfectly fine but no want said person. Want that person over there who I scared away a few days ago. Oops.

Hilda Berg in Threatnin’ Zeppelin

oh and also thnx for comin to the streams when i was making this >:’))

Drarry AU

My brain keeps returning to this idea – what if, in POA (movie universe), Harry never realizes that the crane Malfoy sent him was a note (because I mean, who would)?  Like he just stares at it, confused, then goes “okay” sets it down on his desk and goes back to ignoring Snape

I mean, Draco would be furious because how dare you not appreciate my bullying Potter and the next class they have together, he grabs another piece of paper, writes something along the lines of “You suck Potter”, folds another crane and blows it over – only for it to be left sitting on Harry’s desk again after the lesson, and Harry didn’t even look inside, he didn’t do anything with this damn crane, and Draco is absolutely seething from this lack of attention

So he does it again.  And again.  And again.  

First it’s insults (because of course he hates Potter, they’re archenemies, never mind the actual murderer stalking Harry at this very moment) – “I hope you die Potter” “I wish I met Sirius Black I’d help him” “Your glasses are appalling why do you still have the same ones from first year your prescription can’t possibly be the same you moron” “Eat a bag of dicks Potter” – but a month goes by and he’s running out of things to say and Potter never reads the notes anyway so Draco just starts ranting about everything else he finds annoying


Soon the cranes are just a way of venting – talk about your day, fold a beautiful crane, send it to the person you definitely hate the most.  He still tries to snark and generally antagonize every time he sees Potter, because it’s practically my duty to take the Golden Boy down a peg, Goyle – but he can’t do it the same way anymore, so he takes a step back – in everything except the cranes.  

Every day, every class, and sometimes at breakfast, a crane will land next to Harry Potter’s elbow.  Without fail.  Harry will pick it up, stare at it, and set it back down.  Or maybe slip it into his bag, and Draco’s stomach flips the first time he does that.  

It’s almost like they’re friends.  By now, Draco’s told him things he never even voiced to his friends – that he’s actually terrified of the Dementors, that he keeps feeling like he’s not good enough, because no matter what he tries, there’s always somebody better than him at it – that he still can’t understand why Harry didn’t want to be his friend that time on the train, seriously Potter what did I do?  you didn’t even know me! – and Potter didn’t crumple any of the cranes, so maybe he doesn’t hate him so much anymore?..  Draco knows Potter never reads these notes, but he likes to pretend that Harry knows all these things about him.  And maybe even cares a little.  

It’s stupid, and he really shouldn’t be putting any of such personal details in writing (honestly Lucius would be so disappointed, these cranes are perfect blackmail material and what the hell are you thinking Draco yells Draco’s inner voice) – but he can’t stop.  It’s become a habit, and Potter stared at him for fifteen minutes at lunch today, so he can’t stop.  Draco keeps talking, and making Harry little doodles, and trying not to smile too obviously when another crane ends up in Harry’s pocket.



And meanwhile, Harry’s going nuts.  He just doesn’t understand what Malfoy wants from him, or why he doesn’t run into him so often anymore – and the cranes really seem to be just paper (Ron why does Malfoy know origami is this a general wizard thing or is it just him), and they’re delicate and elegant, and he feels bad about destroying them – so he just leaves them.  

Until, of course, he absentmindedly shoves one in his bag one day – and finds it that evening.  Sighs and sets it on his bedside table, because what else can he do?..  Even if he throws it out, he’ll just get a new one tomorrow.  Or three.  

He’s confused, because Malfoy isn’t even so loud or dramatic anymore, it’s almost as if he’s trying not to attract attention – beyond the cranes – but Harry’s eyes are glued to him anyway.  He knows that Malfoy has to be up to something, because of course he is – but he just can’t tell what, there’s no way to know, and holy shit Ron he just smiled at me what the hell is he planning – and all this time, the pile of cranes on his bedside table keeps growing

He doesn’t lie awake at night, thinking of Malfoy’s smile.  He doesn’t.  Really.  

The next day, when he gets his morning crane, he flashes Malfoy a brilliant smile, and laughs at his stunned expression like ha, two can play at this game!  Gotcha now!  and he’s still thinking that Malfoy’s messing with his mind – except he can’t help but think that it would be nice if Draco was really like that.  If he really just sent the cranes over to brighten Harry’s day.  If there wasn’t something else behind this, because he’s starting to like it.  


All this goes on until Hermione barges into their dormitory again, in the ungodly hours of the morning, like she usually does – and stops dead, staring at the pile of cranes, Ron may have been complaining but she never imagined the true extent of this new, yet age-old obsession.  And of course, Harry tries to protest, that it’s all for science, Hermione, I have to find out what he’s up to and this is the only source of information – but the excuses run dry when she quizzes him a bit and finds out that none of the cranes are cursed, or charmed to yell insults, or anything, really 

So she’s like “well have you tried to unfold one” and no he didn’t, who the heck writes notes inside a crane anyway, isn’t it an artwork??  But hey, that’s an idea, and that night the trio gets together, sitting on Harry’s bed with the crane he just got in Charms, bated breath and all, waiting for it to unleash something nasty (Harry finds himself really really hoping it won’t) 

All kinds of security measures done, and they unfold it 

Hermione’s like “oh.  Oohh,” and Ron’s eyebrows fly away to roam the world

Because inside

there’s a shitty little drawing of Harry and Draco holding hands, with little hearts all around 

So at first I was a little ??? about Hela being Thor’s sister in Ragnarok (squeezing her into the role Angela so recently acquired as their long-lost-big-sister in comics), but the more I think about it, the more I like what it does for Thor and Loki’s arc. 

Thor now has two siblings who became his antagonists because of his father keeping secrets – hiding Loki’s heritage, and then hiding Hela’s existence. Which re-enforces how damaging that habit of lying and secrecy is to Asgard’s growth, as represented by Thor. Having those secrets come out and be faced is necessary for Thor’s development and maturity – confronting the sins of his father.

And for Loki – when Loki tries and fails to be a hero, he becomes a villain. He always measures himself against Thor, and then casts himself as Thor’s opposite. But with Hela showing up, suddenly the role of bad guy has been usurped by another sibling; he’s no longer the baddest Asgardian, or even the baddest of Odin’s kids. His sins are now in a whole new context, where his misdeeds are frankly small potatoes. He’s not only been outstripped as a hero by his sibling – he’s been outstripped as a villain. And that forces him to find some other measure of identity; not wholly good, not wholly evil, but something in between – something new

Also, it re-enforces their brotherhood in an interesting way. Hela is Asgardian. Hela is Thor’s blood sibling (or at least half-sibling). And Hela is still awful. In that light, Loki can no longer ascribe his wickedness to his heritage – he isn’t evil because of some innate genetic factor, or because he isn’t Asgardian, since Hela is clearly capable of that evil despite being raised on Asgard and having Odin’s genes. And while Hela and Thor share blood, they have no kinship to speak of. Thor and Loki do, despite the lack of blood relation. They snipe and bicker like brothers throughout, and there are callbacks to their childhood and past together (the snake story, ‘get help’). 

Hela’s appearance as Thor’s sister lends new context to both Thor and Loki’s relationship with each other and their family, and I think it gives us, as fandom, a lot of fresh material to play with as far as our boys’ character growth moving forward.

Developing Characters by Threes

Whenever I create new characters - for writing, for tabletop RPGs, or for video games - I look for character creation tools and charts to help me think through their personality, but the ones I’ve found have either been too long and complicated (”describe your character’s relationship with her paternal grandmother”) or too culture-specific (”does your character believe in God?”). So I made one for myself. It’s meant to be a quick exercise, designed to get down a few important aspects of a character and a few anecdotes to flesh them out. The questions are also very broad - you can interpret them in whatever way you find useful, and they should be interesting to answer whether your character exists in the modern day or in a fantasy world. Since I’m sure I’m not the only one with this issue, I thought I’d share it here. Enjoy - and if you have any questions you think would be neat to add, please comment with them!

List or describe three…

Names (first/middle/last or first/nickname/last):

Positive qualities:

Negative qualities:

Neutral qualities:

Skills:

Things they are bad at:

Favorite things:

Things they dislike:

Hobbies:

Habits:

Quirks:

Beliefs (moral, religious, or personal):

Instincts (beyond those commonly felt - eg. an instinct to protect the weak, or to become passive-aggressive when insulted):

Important moments in their life:

Unimportant moments in their life (funny stories, anecdotes they like to repeat, or small moments demonstrative of their character):

Important relationships in their life (at the beginning of your story):

Things they want or need:

Things about them that changed before your story:

Things about them that change during your story:

Objects they own that are important to them:

How To Stop Procrastinating

For all the procrastinators out there, here’s a list of tips that a fellow procrastinator has found very useful through the years to get her actually doing stuff.

Start studying from day one

I know you’ve heard this a million times, but seriously, before the panic of “I can’t possibly catch up with all of this’ kicks in. Once this happens, you won’t even want to try so you’ll just procrastinate even more. I know it seems overkill to study on the first day, but think of it this way, you’ve covered almost no material and it will take you no time. Also, it only takes 30 days to form a habit, I promise you revising every day becomes second nature after a while.

But I’m already in the middle of my academic year and I can’t possibly catch up!

I’ve heard that excuse a thousand times, from myself that is. So you can’t catch up? Well, don’t. If it’s a class where you don’t need to know the previous material to understand what you’re learning about right now, take it from that point and keep up with it. You can catch up on the previous stuff little by little when you have free time.

But it’s a cumulative class and I need to know the previous material to understand what the heck my profesor is talking about! 

Watch some youtube videos on the material or go to Khanacademy. You just need to grasp the basics, you can perfect your knowledge on those topics later on, if you have time.

I just can’t get myself to open the book 

First, what is it you need to do TODAY? Let’s say you need to study a unit that has x pages and you have three days ro study it. Today you will study x/3 pages. You get it, don’t just study aimlessly, give yourself a finish point. Then write down what you want to accomplish (it’s incredibly satisfying to cross things out) but don’t write more than 5 tasks (unless they’re really small ones) per day.

Now is when you find that you don’t actually want to do any of the things on that list, so what do you want to do NOW? Do you want to watch a youtube video? Read a book? Pee? What were you planning to do to procrastinate? Well you can still do it. That is, once you study a page (or x pages, whatever you feel up to). This can be repeated until you hit that finish point you stablished earlier. You can also add extra weekly rewards like ‘If I do all my studying this week, I can do x or I can buy y’ (think small stuff, x can be calling a friend to hang out and y can be a color pen). But remember, just as important as getting that reward if you do your work is NOT getting the reward if you DON’T do the work. I don’t mean like don’t indulge if you haven’t finished one or two tasks, but, if you’ve been slacking all week yet you get the reward anyway, what your brain understands “It’s ok, I don’t actually need to work”.

I just want to lie on my bed for a bit

Yes, studying on your bed is awful and you should avoid it. But you know what’s worse than studying on your bed? Not studying at all. If you’re like me and sometimes you just randomly get these urges in the middle of the afternoom to lie on your bed ‘for a bit’ and then you fall asleep, bring your study materials to your bed. DON’T lie down, just get into a slightly reclined sitting possition. I find that this kind of tricks your brain into thinking that you’re resting but you can still get work done.

I have to write a paper, not study

I was planning on telling you that I have literally no tips for writing papers and lab reports (these in particular are the bane of my existence, I literally feel such hostility towards them that I will refuse to even look at the document I’m sure it has nothing to do with being a failed writer) BUT luckily I’ve found something that kind of works. So, forget about your paper for a minute, open a text document, and just WRITE. You can literally write about whatever - your day, how adorable your pet is, or a random story that makes no sense whatsoever. Force yourself to write for about three minutes. Now look back at your paper. I find that once I’ve started writing, I am a lot more willing to keep doing it, even if it’s not about the same topic. This may not work for some people though. Also, write a SUPER rough outline or just bullet points of what you want to say like “Then we add HCl. Later decantation. Test for acid pH. Finally filter and evaporate”. Expanding on something is much easier than writing it from scratch.

Clean you desk the night before

I promise having a clean space to put your books on will motivate you the next day.

And finally, a little tip from a recent experience - YOU’RE GOING TO WISH YOU HAD DONE MORE 

Personally, every time “I can just cram for this” even crosses my mind, I remind myself of how stupid I felt last semester when it came to finals and how badly I wanted to go back in time and beat past me to a pulp. But also, I remind myself of how thankful I was to past me for every little thing that she HAD studied because it was one less thing to worry about. So, when you want to slack off, think of your future self thanking you for not doing so.

So, with this advice in mind, go hit your books right now and start becoming a better version of yourself!

Other masterposts

Natasha: Visibly reacts to the Winter Soldier killing Fury

Natasha: Is the entire mouthpiece for the audience’s introduction to the Winter Soldier 

Natasha: “Going after him’s a dead end, I know, I’ve tried.”

Natasha: Has an intimate knowledge of the Winter Soldier’s fighting skills/habits, like where he’s most likely going to strike, what things will distract him, etc.

Natasha: the first person to land a direct hit on him, breaking his composure and concentration enough that he becomes reckless and goes after her instead of Steve, who’s the main intended target.

Natasha: Literally exposes the audience to their first glimpse of who the Winter Soldier really is (breaking and making him remove his goggles).

Natasha: Her score piece on the soundtrack has a similar undertone to the Winter Soldier piece.

Me:

a list of healthy habits for a better you

  • getting out of bed as soon as you wake up - no more chilling on your phone for an hour while you should have been doing your homework (me rn)
  • did a mistake? did something you shouldnt have done ? accept you did this mistake but try and stop blaming yourself and critisizing so much: accept that its okay to do mistakes and it happens, by changing into a pozitive attitude there are much more chances to not do that again
  • have a few days/ weeks for a project? work !! on !! it !! seriously dont let it all in the last day the stress is much higher and it probably wont turn out that good because you’re hurrying up
  • eat breakfast !! seriously ok
  • pick an outfit the night before: so much time saved up
  • reading a book? get a highlighter and highlight unknown words ( especially if you’re not reading in your native language ) . at the end of the chapter/ your reading time search them all or maybe even write them down ? ( i struggle with this so much tbh but i believe it pays back knowing much more than before )
  • do a little bit at least of something you enjoy daily: even if you’re busy af find just half an hour in which you draw, read, play with your cat etc etc
  • achieve a morning and night routine: honestly it can be the most simple things but if you do them like straight as soon as you wake up then you’re more likely to be productive while if you just stay on your phone for half an hour then brush your teeth, you’re basically wasting time.
  • talk to people ! ok listen up i know its scary to just go and talk to people but if you know for example you have a common interest its very likely they will be excited about it and you might even become friends !
  • you’re afraid of doing something? lets say public speaking. i am completely terrified of it . this is exactly why i signed up for debate, to get over this fear. the only way you can solve your problem with a fear for something like this is to face it straight on . yes it will give you anxiety probably it might stress you but you’re being so brave and slowly you’ll most likely overcome it
  • have a crush? you know they’re single and a very chill person ? talk to them. like seriously the best thing to do when you have a crush is chill down for a bit and realize its not the end of the world if they dont like you back and the only way even to make that happen is to talk to them ! like become their friend and maybe hint at them that you like them and you never know??¿

okay listen here i know you’re probably thinking im the most peaceful perfect person ever because i do all these things but the thing is : i dont , i barely do any of them . however , i would really like to change that and i really believe these little habits will help me ( and you ! ) in life in general.

hope you have an awesome day!

“The relations between us in those latter days were peculiar. He was a man of habits, narrow and concentrated habits, and I had become one of them. As an institution I was like the violin, the shag tobacco, the old black pipe, the index books, and others perhaps less excusable. When it was a case of active work and a comrade was needed upon whose nerve he could place some reliance, my role was obvious. But apart from this I had uses. I was a whetstone for his mind. I stimulated him. He liked to think aloud in my presence. His remarks could hardly be said to be made to me–many of them would have been as appropriately addressed to his bedstead–but none the less, having formed the habit, it had become in some way helpful that I should register and interject. If I irritated him by a certain methodical slowness in my mentality, that irritation served only to make his own flame-like intuitions and impressions flash up the more vividly and swiftly. Such was my humble role in our alliance.” - Dr. John Watson.

What If BTS Had A Rap Battle With An AI? SK Telecom CF Filming Site Surprise Interview!

We were able to meet BTS, the idols who were noticed by Billboard, New York Times, Times, Rolling Stone, and other overseas media. In the past 5 months, they’ve once more proved to be the hottest boy group after being the first K-Pop group to win “Top Social Artist Award” at the Billboard Music Awards. Meeting them at the commercial filming site for SK Telecom, we were able to ask them some questions we were curious about.

[BTS’ Update Talk!]

Q: This is your 2nd year being active as the models for SK Telecom. How does it feel?

V: Even in the past, I would always go to SK Telecom whenever I bought a cellphone. Being active as a model like this makes me very happy.

Jin: I feel proud to be working with the most popular telecommunications company. My family has also been using SK Telecom for over 10 years. It’s always good.

Jungkook: I’ve also been using SK Telecom for a long time. Now that it’s our 2nd year being active as a model for them, it practically feels like we’ve become the face of SK Telecom.

Jin: To hear that the New York Times selected BTS under the “Music That Americans Love The Most” is an honor.

J-Hope: I still can’t believe it. I’m happy to think that we’re receiving so much love!

Suga: It’s all thanks to all the ARMY that love us!

Q: We heard that recently BTS was the only group among Asian singers chosen by the New York Times for “Music That Americans Love The Most”. Congratulations!

Jin: It really is an honor. I’d like to think that it’s not just thanks to Americans, but also to fans all around the world in order to get this result. I love you ARMY!

J-Hope: I still can’t believe it. I have the thought that we’re receiving a lot of love from America. I’m always very thankful to the fans.

Suga: It’s still puzzling and fascinating. I think it’s thanks to all the ARMY that give us love.

Q: Is there a foreign artist that you enjoy listening to recently?

Rap Monster: I listen to Vic Mensa, Mura Masa, and Lianne La Havas a lot.

Jin: Julia Michaels for me!

V: Lately, I’ve been listening to Bruno Mars.

J-Hope: Vince Staples!

Jungkook: Rather than listening to one particular artist’s music, I’ve been looking for a variety of music and listening to them a lot.

Suga: I’m always enjoying Vic Mensa’s music.

Jimin: I’m listening to Zayn’s music.

[Learning About BTS’ Mobile Life]

Q: You must have a lot of schedules overseas. How do you use your roaming?

Jin: We do have a lot of overseas schedules, but I usually just request automatic roaming and use it that way. Not too long ago, we had to go overseas for a schedule. But I forgot that I already put in a request for automatic roaming and contacted the advisor again to place a request. I remember being embarrassed because they told me that I was already using automatic roaming. Haha.

Q: Do you usually use your smartphone often? We’re primarily curious on how you use it.

V: I do a lot of things on my smartphone. Calling, texting, taking pictures, listening to music, SNS, and the Internet. I call a lot, I text a lot, I take pictures of the scenery, I listen to music daily, and I use SNS so I can’t be without my smartphone.

Jimin: I use my smartphone to monitor videos or listen to music. Also, I use it when I’m contacting another person.

[What Does BTS Think Is Happiness?]

Rap Monster: My happiest moment was our concert at the Gymnastics Stadium!

V: Me too, it was our first solo concert so I was proud.

Jungkook: After our debut, I’ve had so many happy moments that it’s hard to just choose one moment!

Jimin: As expected, every moment I spent together with the fans was happy~

Q: Until now, when was your happiest moment while being active as an artist?

Rap Monster: Our first concert at the Gymnastics Stadium. I can still remember it clearly.

V: I agree. It was a stage just for us, and I was proud that it was our first solo concert!

J-Hope: I think I feel the most joy when we’re having a concert and I’m singing while I look at all the audience members.

Jungkook: Um… I’ve had so many happy moments after debuting that I can’t pick a particular moment, but I think I was about to feel a lot of happiness due to the fans.

Jin: Every moment that I perform where there are fans. I get so filled with emotions that I feel like I’m going to cry. It makes me really happy.

Suga: I also feel alive when I do concerts, so I like it.

Jimin: Every moment that we meet the fans that cheer us on at a concert arena!

Q: What do the BTS members think is happiness? And what could the members put effort in doing together to become even happier?

Rap Monster: I think that happiness isn’t something grandiose, but something that begins from a small habit. Like a habit where you don’t compare yourself to others. Also, if you continue to devote yourself to what you like a little more and continue to believe that you’re right a little more, wouldn’t everyone be happy?

J-Hope: Oh, I feel similar to you. Loving yourself and slowly becoming satisfied is a big happiness. Let’s all have hope and passion in order to fulfill our dreams!

[What If An AI Had A Rap Battle With BTS?]

Q: Recently, an AI that was created using techniques from the 4th Industrial Revolution has been gaining attention. Overseas, the AI has already progressed to possessing the same skill level as humans in terms of writing novels and composing music. If by chance the AI came to challenge BTS to a rap battle, what would you do?

Rap Monster: I will do my best to fight it!

Jungkook: I’d like to carefully think that Rap Monster would completely defeat it…

Suga: I would not accept [the challenge]. How could I beat an AI! Haha.

Q: Finally, please say something to the SK Telecom insight readers.

Rap Monster: Insight readers of SK Telecom! It’s autumn. I’d like it if the heat passed by quickly. Please always be healthy!

Jin: Everyone, SK Telecom has a lot of benefits! Search well and use it in a variety of ways.

V: Please gives lots of interest to SK Telecom from now on! We’ll also show you an even better image. Please anticipate it a lot.

J-Hope: Please give lots of love to BTS and SK Telecom~

Jungkook: Thank you for loving SK Telecom and BTS. We’ll show an even more fun and diverse image from now on.

Suga: If it’s a telecommunications company, it has to be SK Telecom. I’m always thankful.

Jimin: I hope to see even more interest in both BTS and SK Telecom. Thank you.

Trans cr: Christie @ allforbts
© Please take credit when taking out  

This Is War [9]

Summary: After being rejected by your best friend Bucky, Sam sets you up with one of his friends, on the condition that if the date doesn’t go well, you have to sign up for a dating app. The date doesn’t go well. As you begin to look for love in other places, Bucky starts to feel something he never felt before. Jealous.

Bucky Barnes X Reader

Word Count: 1274

Warnings: It’s a little angsty.. And there is bad language!

A/N: All of the support and comments that I have been receiving on this series has really made me feel so great and totally inspired!! I’m sorry this part is.. Well.. You’ll see.. Feedback as always would be amazing!! Thank you for reading xoxo

Keep reading

in which y/n stands harry up… again…

She tip toed through the door hoping by some grace of god that he wouldn’t be waiting up for her. She carefully peeked her head in each room before the rest of her body followed. It almost seemed as if she’d make it through the night unscathed, that is until she walked into their bedroom and saw him sitting on the bed, lower half tucked underneath the covers as he casually toyed around on his phone. 

He looked up as she entered the room cautiously, and she offered him a small, guilty smile to which he rolled his eyes. “Harry–” she began, but he quickly cut her off. 

“Don’t.”

She dropped her bags and scuttled over to the bed. “I’m sorry, H.”

“I said, ‘don’t’.”

“I know you’re mad, but please just let me explain.”

“Mad?” He chuckled manically. “I was mad the first three times you stood me up. I was mad for the first 45 minutes of sitting in that restaurant actually thinking you were going to show up this time. Now, I’m furious." 

She looked to him with sad eyes. "I tried calling you,” she muttered pitifully.

“Oh yeah thanks for letting me know you weren’t going to make it an hour after you were supposed to be there. Real considerate.” He stood up, rolling his eyes, seemingly too mad to stay seated any longer. 

She was a bit annoyed. It had been a long and trying day. She had every intention of meeting him for dinner, but corporate came down and she was more or less forced into working over time. She couldn’t bail, not when her team and her boss were counting on her, not when her job could possibly be on the line. “I couldn’t get to my phone, Harry. The big bosses came down. I really wanted to be there, but I couldn’t just leave. I’m sorry.”

“These days it just seems like it’s always something with you. You’re leaving early, getting home late, missing every date we set. Is there something you’d like to tell me?”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “I don’t like what you’re insinuating.”

He exhaled heavily. “Well, I don’t know what I’m supposed to think! We never talk anymore!”

"I’m trying to talk to you now, Harry, but you’re refusing to listen!”

He took a few deep breaths before sitting down. “Go on, then.”

She was a bit taken aback by his allowance. She just stood in front of him, blinking, as he waited for her to begin. Her mouth opened and closed a few times before her face twisted into a scowl. “You’re not my principal, and I’m not in trouble. I don’t have to explain myself to you.”

“Actually, I think that’s the least you can do.”

She crossed her arms and furrowed her eyebrows, leaning forward slightly in frustration. “Okay let’s not pretend that you’ve never been on this side of the situation, Mr. Rockstar. I never got this upset with you, though. So, why do you think you have the right to criticise me for any of this?”

He was about to respond, but instead he opted for running his hands down his face, finally calming down. “I’m not…” he paused trying to collect his thoughts. “I’m not trying to criticise you, and I’m sorry for blowing up on you, but I’m frustrated, love.”

“And you think I’m not? Harry, I hate this. I’m exhausted and stressed out all the time. We are the one thing that’s supposed to be easy.”

He nodded his head in agreement a few times, then motioned for her to move forward and into his lap. He nuzzled his face into the crook of her neck, breathing in her scent. It was the closest she felt to him in a solid month. “I just want to get back to us. But, I can feel you slipping through my fingers.”

She interlocked their hands. “I’m not going anywhere, H. At the end of the day, I’m always going to be right here. But, my job is super important to me. I like what I’m doing. I’m happy with the way things are right now, so it’d be nice if you could be a little more understanding.”

His face was the one that twisted up this time. “Babe… I have been understanding. I wasn’t even upset the first couple times, but this is becoming a habit. I think I have the right to be a little mad, at this point.”

She sighed heavily, getting up from his lap. “Well, I don’t know what you want me to say. I have to be available for my job. It’s not like I’m intentionally skipping out on you.”

He pulled his knees up to his chest. They were both attempting not to get worked up again. Neither of them enjoyed screaming matches like the one they had a few minutes ago. “So, your job is more important than me now?”

She shot him a slight look of disgust. “Okay, don’t do that. Because honestly? I’ve spent the last couple of years working around your schedule. I made myself available whenever you were. I had to deal with the missed dates and the not being back when you said and the leaving early in the morning and the getting stopped when we’re out because of fans and the constant invasion of privacy. Don’t forget that. I admit there were times when I was upset, more than upset, but I never held it against you. Why can’t you extend me the same courtesy?” She had been pacing the room as she recalled all the struggles she had to face simply because he  was who he was. 

“It’s Not. Just. About. That.”

She let out a small shrill, running her hands through her hair, as she spun on her heels facing him directly. “Then what is it! Please explain it to me!”

“It’s that I don’t feel like you love me anymore!” He closed the distance between them, but still had his voice raised in a way that sent chills down her spine and not in a good way. “I don’t feel like you need me, and that’s terrifying for me because most days I don’t think love is a strong enough word to describe how I feel for you! I know you have to deal with a bunch of BS being with me, but have I ever made you feel like I don’t want you?”

Her face paled considerably and she stood before him completely shell shocked. “No,” she choked out.

“Well, that’s how I feel,” he said, lowering his voice to a normal decibel, relieved that he finally got his point across. “It’s like when I see you, if I see you, walking around you look like the girl I fell in love with, but your mind and heart have already moved on.” He pushed away a few tears that tipped out of his eyes. “And you know you never really apologise for this kind of thing. You’re just like 'I got caught up at work’ or summat and you expect me to get over it.”

She immediately rolled up on her toes, wrapped her arms around his neck, and whispered “I’m sorry,” into his ear until both of their heart rates stopped beating so rapidly. Then, she cupped his face in her hands and kissed him nice and slow attempting to relay all the feelings she had for him that she’d been keeping trapped inside. “I love you so much. So so so much. I’m sorry I haven’t been doing a great job at showing it or telling you.”

He leaned into her touch and wrapped his arms around her waist, snuggling her as tight as possible, while nodding his head. “I know you don’t need as much verbal and physical confirmation as me, but please humour me, yeah?”

“Of course. I’ve just been so caught up in this project that I’ve been neglecting you, and I’m sorry, genuinely. But, can you do something for me, as well?”

He raised his eyebrows at her.

“Pull me aside and tell me if I’m being a knob, okay? Talk to me. I’m pretty evolved as a human being, but I haven’t quite developed telepathy, yet. Deal?”

He chuckled, sealing their lips together once more. “Deal.”

Torque (M)

Author’s Note: here we go! welcome to day 1 of chanvember!! i hope everyone enjoys <333
Pairing: Chanyeol x Reader (oc; female)
Summary: As a stunt driver, you’re used to seeing men come to the track looking for a quick, easy high. But in Chanyeol, you never expected to find your equal.
Genre: smut
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: explicit language; explicit sex; public sex; dirty talk
Word Count: 9,217

Originally posted by co-kai-ne

CHANYEOL

There’s something they don’t tell you about driving when you’re a kid, when you put posters on your wall of all the cars you wished were women; eight years old and already begging to be a man. There are things they don’t tell you about Italian sports cars, about chrome engines and black leather. 

When you learn to drive, you’re lead to believe you are the one in control, that it’s you with the power and the skill and the magic. Always, this is done in your best interest. Always, this is done to keep you safe.

Always, this is utter bullshit.

The car wants you dead.

Keep reading

Watch WHY WE PROCRASTINATE AND HOW TO STOP IT here.

We all know it, we all do it, we all struggle with it: procrastination. No matter how often we think “today’s the day”, we’ll find at least 5 excuses to skip that one point on our To-Do List - again (and again, and again).
Before I will talk you through 3 easy steps on how to stop procrastinating, I’ll tell you the one and only reason why you are doing it:

You simply haven’t decided to do it yet.

Whatever it is you want to do, if you keep pushing it further and further, finding excuses and ways out, you didn’t decide. Thinking about doing it isn’t deciding. Putting it on your To-Do List isn’t deciding either, and trying to go for it until it gets uncomfortable is nothing more than a sad attempt to decide. Think about it - its actually true, isn’t it?

To ACTUALLY go for it and therefore, to STOP PROCRASTINATION, these 3 easy steps helped me heaps:

  1. Find out what keeps you from deciding and find a solution. Is it fear of failure or are you too scared to step out of your comfort zone? Question yourself: isn’t the fear of never trying it out and possibly experience success bigger than the fear to fail trying? And is your comfort zone usually the place where the magic happens? (Hint: never darling!) Figure it out and decide to (or not to) go for it.
  2. Once you decided, point the moment during the progress where you are usually stopping - and find a way around it. Whatever it is, it can be solved by either finding a way closer to your goal which doesn’t include the annoying part or (more likely) getting some help - friends, (business-) partner, coach, professional. Note: this is not about “ahh I’m just not able to get out of bed” (for that case, skip to point 3), this is more about “I really want to, I really like to and I’m really fighting for it but no matter what, I can’t handle this one thing about it”.
  3. Stop making it negotiable and stop thinking about it before you are actually doing it. You decided to go for it, so its not questionable anymore. Make it as much of a duty as brushing your teeth or going to work. Get a positive mindset about it (think about the outcome, the goal you’ll reach soon and the progress you are making rather than the uncomfortable stuff) and what personally helped me the most: don’t think about it before you are doing it. As soon as you start to think about it, your brain tries to figure out a way around it (see, its not even your fault).

(little extra motivation: everything you include into your routine becomes a habit after one month. so it’ll get easier, and you’ll start loving it, I promise!)

Lets take going to the gym as an example:

  1. Whats the problem here? You can’t get out of your comfort zone. Think about how bad you want to be healthier, fitter, more toned, more active, or whatever. You actually really want it, and every time after the gym you feel incredible. So its definitely worth a little ass-kicking: here we go, you decided to go for it.
  2. The point where you always stop is when you lose motivation. Your action now: find some. If a gym partner motivates you, find one. If fit girls on social media inspire you, follow them and if you need a personal coach - hire one. Don’t be afraid to invest in yourself btw, this is the best place your money can go to!
  3. Get up in the morning, pack your gym back and don’t think about it. Grab it when you leave the house and enjoy your day, live in the moment and focus on what you are doing right now. When its time, start heading to the gym without even wasting a thought about it - I mean, if you are going to the toilet you won’t waste a thought about the “why” either, would you? And if a thought about fitness is accidentally crossing your mind, channel it in positive energy straight away: you are going to kick some ass tonight. You can’t wait until your progress is showing off. You can’t wait for the amazing feeling afterwards. And sooner than you think, you’ll be standing under the shower thinking “yas gurl!

I hope this is helping you to overcome procrastinating habits, and start moving closer and closer to your goals. Watch the full video here. By the way hi and welcome to every new follower on here, so happy about every single one of you. Feel free to message me, I’d love to get in touch with you! :)

You’ll hear from me soon gorgeous, xx

Prologue

                                       Teach Me Happy Prologue

Bucky Barnes x Reader

A/N: welcome to what’s sure to be a mess of a series

Words: 2627

Warnings: descriptions of violence, swearing, bucky being a little shit and disappointing leslie knope, alexander pierce is existent

‘Teach Me Happy’ masterlist

________________________________________________________________

Keep reading

FIC RECS

in honor of gaining another hundred followers on my twitter account @getsterREKT heres another rec list. 

This will just be made up of lots and lots of different types of fics. Make sure to read the warnings for each fic before reading. 

(fics with ** are favorites)


It Takes A Village by  Hypocorismm

Stiles’s used to yogurt handprints on his shirts from where he picked her up, and he’s used to snot on his shoulders and neck from where she cried after a bad dream. He’s used to her legendary tantrums when she doesn’t get her way, her eyes glowing ferocious gold. He’s used to being the village it takes to raise her, and the pack she longs for.

Except, he needs the pack’s help, and Derek’s protection when a particularly power-hungry pack wants his cub. And he isn’t used to sharing.

WORDS: 49227

RATING: Mature

CHAPTERS: 35/35

WARNINGS: angst, kidnapping, mpreg.


Night Stroll by  Marishna

“Is it night there?”

Derek chuckled. “Yeah, it is. How do you know where I am?”

“I don’t, that’s why it’s weird it’s night. That puts you in… Europe?” Stiles asked after some quick math.

Derek raised an eyebrow. “Spain. You haven’t lost that…” Derek waved his hand. “Stileness.”

WORDS: 3276

RATING: Teen and Up

CHAPTER: 1/1

WARNINGS: derek has insomnia??? is that a warning??? idk


****Prince Among Wolves by  tylerfucklin (Deshonanana)

Looking for full day/evening sitter. 2 twin boys age 4. Must have exp. w/werewolves. Must be human. No pedophiles. No teenage girls. Pay negotiable. 

WORDS: 101,000

RATING: Explicit

CHAPTERS: 20/20

WARNINGS: mild transphobia, derek learns acceptance, broken family, so much angst


Walking Into Darkness by  alenie

Derek hears Stiles before he sees him. There’s anxious, wheezy breathing coming from the next aisle over in the grocery store, accompanied by a racing heart and the smell of unwashed sneakers and hair gel. He turns the corner and Stiles is standing frozen in the dairy aisle, knuckles clenched around the metal of his shopping basket.

WORDS: 6342

RATING: Teen and Up

CHAPTERS: 1/1

WARNINGS: panic attacks, anxiety, depression, post 3b, pre-sterek relationship 


****Ashes, Ashes by  ShanaStoryteller

The Sheriff gets a call at work - someone’s tried to burn down his home with his son inside.

“I thought of you coming here, and finding me dead, of another burnt out husk of a body, something else fire has stolen from you, of you having nothing left to grasp but ashes,” John can’t even call that a whimper, it’s clearly a whine as Derek’s hands tighten against Stile’s hips, as if his boy will shudder to dust at the mere mention of the possibility unless Derek’s hands can hold him into one piece, “and that thought was worse than dying.”

WORDS: 2699

RATING: Teen And Up

CHAPTERS:1/1

WARNINGS: so much angst, stiles nearly burns to death


Just Realize What I Just Realized by  literaryoblivion

He’s never noticed it before; it’s always just been second nature to him these days, does it out of habit, but it’s not until he stops to actually think about it that it becomes abundantly and embarrassingly clear to him that he is in love with Stiles and that they are practically dating without the actual dating part…

WORDS: 2529

RATING: Teen And Up

CHAPTERS: 1/1

WARNINGS: a lil angst, (but mostly fluff)


The Potential Fatality of Assuming by  crossroadswrite

The hair, the buttons and the general happy and slightly tired disposition with which Derek came back from his secret exploits were as obvious as a glaring neon sign flashing the words JUST GOT LAID.

A sign that Stiles ignored because he had a seven year plan god damn it.

(OR: in which Stiles assumes things, gets accosted by the sister he never/always wanted, discovers he was horribly wrong, almost dies via Derek Hale with kids, can’t handle all that collarbone action, uses tickling as the ultimate mode of revenge, and gets a boyfriend. In that order.)

WORDS: 2196

RATING: General

CHAPTERS: 1/1

WARNINGS: misunderstandings, because stiles is dumb, lots of pining


****If I Could Trade Mistakes For Sheep, Count Me Away Before You Sleep by  alisaj

“Thing is, Stiles,” Derek says, his voice hard and unfaltering. “I didn’t sign up for you. You just hung around until we got used to you being here.”

That stings. He hadn’t realised how Derek feels about him. They’ve been getting on quite well, teaming up on little missions and bantering back and forth without malice. Stiles sometimes lets Derek crash in his room after a big fight, trying not to let on how intriguing he finds the werewolf.

“Well now we can get used to you not being here. You’re a liability, Stilinski. You can’t protect yourself and we always end up having to help you when we’ve got more important things to do. You’re out of the pack.”

or

The one where Derek is a terrible Alpha and Stiles ends up walking into a big pile of shit.

WORDS: 33,383

RATING: Explicit

CHAPTERS: 1/1

WARNINGS: stiles gets kicked out of the pack, derek is stupid, like, so stupid, stiles gets hurt, theres so much angst in this like wtf, stiles is sad, the pack sucks


Sour Kush (series) by alisvolatpropiis

Stiles mentally curses Erica, because in all of her warnings about how brusque this guy could be, she forgot mention that he’s also hotter than the fucking sun. If Stiles had any lingering questions about his sexuality, they’d be completely settled by what this guy is doing to him. In fact, he might not even be gay anymore. He might be in the midst of crossing into some yet-to-be-named sexuality that’s all about a scruffy black beard and alarming green eyes and muscles and tattoos and this guy’s everything ever.

The guy’s name is Derek, his lust-addled brain supplies distantly.

Well that settles it, then. Stiles is Dereksexual.

WORKS: 3

COMPLETE: it says no but they havent updated in like over 2 years so im guessing its done

WORDS: 15,392

RATING: Explict 

WARNINGS: everyone is stoned all the time, also in work 2 stiles is hurt because he thinks derek is getting it on with parrish, they’re dumb, age difference, derek has a beardddd 


I Just Want You For My Own (More Than You Could Ever Know) by  yodasyoyo

“What is with that sweater, dude?”

Derek ducks his head to look at it, abashed. “Uh- Mrs Hernandez knitted it for me. It’s an early Christmas gift.” He smooths it down self-consciously.

Stiles cocks an eyebrow.

“What? She’s my neighbor and sometimes I-” Derek trails off. Stiles’ other eyebrow rises to join the first, and Derek sighs. “Sometimes I help her carry her shopping.”

Of course he does. One day maybe Stiles will stop being in love with Derek Hale, but today is not that day.

WORDS: 16,065

RATING: Teen And Up

CHAPTERS: 4/4

WARNINGS: pining, fake relationships, they’re both idiots. 


Baby You’re Beautiful by  supernaynay

“God you’re beautiful.”

Derek hadn’t even realized that the words had left his mouth until the whole room went silent, including Stiles, who until about five seconds earlier was busy yelling at him for putting himself in danger yet again.

WORDS: 1089

RATING: General

CHAPTERS: 1/1

WARNINGS: derek is hit with a truth spell


****(Sacred) In The Ordinary by  idyll

The Pack, after college, graduate school and the starting of careers, comes back to Beacon Hills. Nothing’s gotten less complicated after all this time.

Based on a kink meme prompt that grew legs and got serious.

Note: This is a whole lot of pack!fic with a very slow build Derek/Stiles.

WORDS: 78,759

RATING: Explicit

CHAPTERS: 9/9

WARNINGS: violence, slow build


Cause I Built a Home (For You, For Me) by  noneedforhystereks

Mechanic!Derek and Daddy!Stiles

Derek Hale is a mechanic in the sleepy town of Beacon Hills, where he has lived all of his life. He spends his day in a simple routine: wake up, fix cars, go home, sleep. It’s what he’s good at, and it keeps things simple and uncomplicated. Derek doesn’t let people in and remains emotionally distant from everyone except his sister, Laura, and her daughter. This all changes when Boyd tows in an old blue Jeep that needs a lot of work and Derek meets the owner of said Jeep.

Because once Derek meets Stiles and his kids, he can’t stop himself from caring. And he doesn’t want to stop.

WORDS: 59,719

RATING: Explicit

CHAPTERS: 15/15

WARNINGS: angst, pining, emotional hurt, stiles has a lot of baggage. 


Waiting For Our Superman by  tearsandholdme

Derek knew the moment he opened the front door of his clean and pristine apartment to Stiles Stilinski holding a small boy, a cluster of bags, and a suitcase, he was screwed. In every way possible. Undone by the big brown eyes of a small child and his annoying, witty, and attractive father.

WORDS: 95,240

RATING: Mature

CHAPTERS: 22/22

WARNINGS: angst, mpreg, emotional hurt, overprotective derek


Adding You to My Future by  NekoIzumi

“So, I’m Stiles.” he smiled warmly once he had put his unannounced patient down on the exam table. “I will poke and prod you a little bit to check for internal injuries, those that I can’t see because they’re inside you, and some of it might hurt but it will pass, I promise. I will tell you everything I’m about to do and why I’m doing it so just stay calm and this will go like a breeze, okay?”

Now, Stiles wasn’t stupid in any way, shape or form, he knew a were when he saw one… although he had obviously never seen a werecat before, and definitely not one as young as this one.

WORDS: 42,252

RATING: Explicit

CHAPTERS:9/9

WARNINGS: violence, like, lots of violence, slow build, gore, emotional comfort, bamf stiles


Stars Plummet: a Christmas Story by  Peckishdragon

When Stiles left Beacon Hills, he never thought he would be coming back. Eight years later, he is coming home for Christmas, with a small passenger in tow. Old feelings, never forgotten, are rekindled.

WORDS: 11,589

RATING: Mature

CHAPTERS: 6/6

WARNINGS: a lil violence, like a tiny bit, 


All They Have by  Nival_Vixen

Single dads AU where Derek and Stiles meet because Derek’s daughter and Stiles’ trans son become friends at school.

WORDS: 4004

RATING: Teen And Up

CHAPTERS: 1/1

WARNINGS: trans child, which leads to ignorant adults being ugly fucks, protective derek 


love comes in all shapes and sizes by  trilliastra

“Daddy says that when I’m in trouble I should get the police because they always help us. You’re going to help me, right?” Stiles smiles at her, happy that today he decided to stop by the grocery store to buy milk after his shift instead of going straight home. At least now he’s able to help the little girl, who knows what would have happened to her if he weren’t around.

“Of course I will.” He smiles again. “What’s your name?”

“Rebecca Hale.” She answers proudly. “My daddy is Derek Hale.”

WORDS: 2207

RATING: Teen and Up

CHAPTERS: 1/1

WARNINGS: kate argent


When You Wish Upon a Dragon by  lupinus

Stiles is at the Hale house, lounging on the front stoop watching Isaac, Erica, and Boyd wrestle, when the baby comes running out of the woods.
Derek becomes instant father to a magically appearing baby and falls in love. Stiles can’t take the cute and worries Derek’s heart will break if he loses the kid. 

or, a dragon gives derek a baby, stiles is oblivious, steve just loves his bright pink rocking unicorn and his da and ma 

WORDS: 13,739

RATING: Teen and Up

CHAPTERS: 1/1

WARNINGS: none, but so much fluff


****Lucky That I’m Yours Every Day by  stilinskisparkles

Derek doesn’t see how Valentine’s Day can get any better than a normal day with Stiles.

WORDS: 6772

RATING: Teen and Up

CHAPTERS: 1/1

WARNINGS: fluff. just. all the fluff. its disgusting how fluffy it is really.


Relationship Status: It’s Complicated by  kellifer_fic

Okay, I know this is a huge stretch for you, but can you please pretend you’re like, into me?

WORDS: 4010

RATING: Mature

CHAPTERS: 1/1

WARNING: mentioned stiles/omc 


***************Shot Through The Heart by  LunaCanisLupus_22

All they’ve given him is the guy’s head shot. And it’s terrible because now he is ridding the world of one more ridiculously attractive, instant pants dropping- take me now, if you please- regulation hottie.

Even if he has a scowl to rival Kirsten Stewart.

Or the one when Stiles and Derek work for rival assassin companies and are sent to kill each other. It definitely doesn’t go as planned.

WORDS: 64,833

RATING: Explicit

CHAPTERS: 12/12

WARNINGS: so much violence, they literally try to kill eachother, enemies to lovers pretty much


will to follow through by  owlpostagain

“It depends entirely on how you look at it, I guess,” Stiles shrugs. “On the one hand, instant healing and the apparently inherited ability to pull off leather at all times. On the other, serious attitude problems and a suspicious disappearance of eyebrows.”

“Even Derek’s?” Danny snorts, “that’s a lot of eyebrow to lose.”

“I know,” Stiles agrees. “You should see, it’s so weird. Every time I want to ask him where they go, except he’d totally eat my face off.”

“There are worse ways to die.”

WORDS: 42,411

RATING: Teen and Up

CHAPTERS: 2/2

WARNINGS: angst, mentions of violence, 


Professor D. Hale (series) by  har1ey_quinn


A series of outsider POVs on Professor Hale and his significant other (with some guest appearances from the pack)

WORKS: 7

COMPLETE: possibly

WORDS: 18,008

RATING: Teen and Up

WARNINGS: none


go on without me!!!! (or the one where stiles is cursed by witches and overreacts to everything) by  day

Stiles is cursed by witches and he can’t react like a normal human being.
Scott is a terrible best friend and can’t stop laughing.
Derek just wants it all to be over.

WORDS: 1396

RATING: General

CHAPTERS: 1/1

WARNINGS: crack


******For My Next Trick, I’ll Regret All of My Life Choices: a performance by Derek Hale and 80% of his eyebrows by  crossroadswrite

(978): I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
.
“What’s wrong with my eyebrows?”

Kira gives him a sympathetic look, and climbs up to sit next to him, “You kind of… don’t have one.”

“I what!” he shouts, wincing at the volume of his own voice.

Kira pats him on the shoulder and shoves a piece of toast in his hand.

“It’s not that bad,” she tries to console him with a smile, then glances up at his left eyebrow and winces, “It could definitely be worse. It’s not all gone. Just. Half of it.”

Derek considers crying into his orange juice but decides that would be a waste and because his mother taught him how to be a good guest he opts to drink it instead.

WORDS: 2566

RATING: Teen and Up

CHAPTERS: 1/1

WARNINGS: none buT THIS FIC IS AN ALL TIME FAV, THE FUCKING SQUIRRELS VIKING BURIAL GETs ME EVERYTIME, AND BATMAN OH MY

Dreams

Summary: When Meg possesses Sam, she lets a couple of his secrets out.

Warnings: Wincest, dirty talk (I guess?)

Word Count: 1800

A/N: I love me some desperate first time Wincest. Enjoy! XOXO

Sam’s still in the bathroom.

It’s become Sam’s habit to stay in the bathroom until he thinks Dean’s fallen asleep. Or to stay out, needing to grab some food or something. Or to just not say anything at all, just disappear from the room and come sneaking in once the lights are off.

Anything to keep from talking about it.

Keep reading

X-Men Preferences: Discovering Your Hobbies

Fandom: X-Men

Warning(s): just one word 😇😇😇

A/N: I should really work with other fandoms too but for some reason I just can’t get enough of my X-Men boys soo yeah…Perhaps another time! I am so tired today, but hopefully I’ll be able to get some work done. I hope you liked it! (currently working on some requests on Charles and Hank) 😊

Charles: At first, Charles liked to admire you as you took care of your plants. He couldn’t help but gaze at you, how perfect you looked surrounded by all that greenery. You treated them all with so much love and care that it was a precious image to behold. Soon enough, you got him to join in too as a way to rewind from all the things he had in his mind.

Erik:  When he found out about your love for solving puzzles, he was shocked to say the least. He wouldn’t stop teasing you, “And I thought I was the old one in this relationship.” or “So you hide an 80-year-old inside you. Good to know.” You bugged him so much about actually giving a try that he finally gave in, but let’s just say Erik is not one for things requiring patience. 

Hank: That giant furball has two left feet so when he walked in on you dancing ballet so gracefully, he just froze on the spot. Ever since, he won’t stop grinning like an idiot every time you even put on your pointe shoes because according to him; “You…um…You look even more beautiful when you’re dancing and I didn’t even think that was…ahem…possible.”

Alex: Summers is all about sports and when he found out about your skills when it came to playing volleyball, he loved the idea immediately. It’s pretty much become a habit for the two of you to play together at least once a week. (Spoiler alert, it’s more like you playing and him losing because he’s constantly just staring at you because “Damn, you’re so hot in those shorts. Please wear them everyday.”)

Warren: Coming from a rich family, Angel learnt how to play the piano from a very young age but now he simply hates the idea, probably because in his mind it’s connected to so many unpleasant memories. But when you play your guitar, you are so passionate about it that he can’t help but be taken away.

Kurt: Your little blueberry was ecstatic to discover your love for finger painting and you didn’t even have to ask him before he joined in and you both looked like toddlers covered in paint. Your masterpieces always end up looking like a bomb of colors has exploded on them and they are so bad but you made them together and that’s enough to make you want to hang them everywhere.

Notes on: radical aloneness

Last fall, I presented a paper on relationship anarchy. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term (or concept), it can loosely be understood as a style of interpersonal relationships that doesn’t prioritize or hierarchialize relationships with others based on what takes place within them, at least a priori. In short, there’s a uniqueness to each relationship which makes their translation between relationships difficult to gather––a kind of ineffability that gets lost or violated in the transition. So, for example, you may relate with someone in a way that tends to be more like friendship: perhaps you sometimes get together for coffee, talk about things that are going on with your life, go for walks, make dinner together sometimes, etc––but, sometimes you mess around, not too often, but sometimes. Then, you may have another relationship that is a bit more weighty––for one reason or another it’s got a trajectory that shoots out into the future, a place where you may see yourself growing vegetables and living together, sharing projects, intertwining intricately. And then, just to have more than two examples, you may have a friend that is more traditionally just a friend: you watch hockey together, talk about books you’ve been reading, get a drink, whatever. There’s a complex calculus taking place in all of these relationships, a shifting definition, murky waters, not only interrelationship but intrarelationship, as well––just because you fucked around last time doesn’t mean it’ll definitely happen this time, just because you didn’t hold one another last time doesn’t mean you won’t this time, etc. 


The point being is that, out of the gate, you can’t prioritize based on the activities that go on within the relationship––the only thing that can be said is that the relationships differ. Now, in lived experience, you may want to spend more time with the person who you see yourself growing vegetables with (this is one of the miserable aporias of existence: love seems infinite, but time isn’t…) but this isn’t because you have sex or because you don’t have sex, it isn’t because they’re “more than a friend” or whatever coarse terminology is hoisted upon it––it’s because that’s the way that relationship goes, its particular mode––you require more time with them for one reason or another: they ignite you, they unravel you beautifully, they support you unflinchingly, they catalyze splendid complexity and nuance.

After I presented this paper, I spent some time with one of my former professors, a vibrant and shimmering man with a long philosophical history, but more importantly an insatiable thirst for life, gaiety, and joy––his continuing project being resolutely existential and affirmative. As we rode the bus late at night, he said to me something to the effect of: I absolutely loved your paper, why would we ever want people to be with us who don’t want to be with us? Why would we ever want to exercise power and control over loved ones, for that negates or corrodes love, rots it constitutionally. And then, in passing, right before I got on the bus I was transferring to without him, he said something to the effect of: what you need to be able to do relationship anarchy well is an incredible amount of radical aloneness. At the time, this comment slid right off me, it didn’t stick for an instant longer than hearing it and offering a surface response without thinking, “Yeah, you’re right, I think.”

What does radical aloneness mean, anyway. To me, it’s some sort of commitment to your shit, what you’ve got going on, a wellness and health that supports engagements with others, comes to the rescue when you want to lash out and heave at others, take people down because of your own insecurities. One who has cultivated an abundant radical aloneness can let the other be because they’ve got their own projects and projections, their own vital flow. If the one they love wants to be with others for whatever reason, they can be upset and bothered, even jealous of course, but on the whole everything is okay, for they are fecundity. You only know you haven’t cultivated radical aloneness when it’s too late, when you need it, unfortunately. Radical aloneness shouldn’t be equated with the singular or the individual either––sometimes radical aloneness means that you have fostered relationships with others that support you and supplement you. Other times radical aloneness means being actually alone, but alone is of course always populated by others as well, even if you’re alone in space at a given time.

Events of late have lead to reflect upon the ways that I create, sustain, and tend to my sense of radical aloneness. I think that, in other circles, this would be taken up as self-care, but this is unfortunate, I think. Radical aloneness can encompass what is broadly construed as self-care, sure, but sometimes radical aloneness means fleeing the self, evacuating the self’s rigid postures and habits, and setting out on unforeseen trails––instead of watching over the self, dismantling the self, letting the light shine in, opening up a window, cracking things up a bit. Maybe I’m being too fine with distinctions, but I think there’s a difference. Beyond that, I think that radical aloneness is the wellspring of being with others confidently and creatively: it is from this shimmering becoming that we can glow with others, connect with others in productive and dazzling ways. Radical aloneness as generative and combinatorial, experimental and stochastic, seeking to build and proliferate. Sometimes self-care is necessary to do this: sometimes you just need someone to make you an avocado sandwich, but an avocado sandwich isn’t going to propel you into radiance, just get you into the position where you can once again have the opportunity to luxuriate.

Maybe in subsequent posts I can explore the ways in which I cultivate this radical aloneness, or perhaps the times when it would have been immensely useful to have access to. 

It happens slowly.

Not the feeling itself-Neil has always known that something settles in him when he sees Andrew, something slow and syrupy. But naming that feeling requires a different energy than simply feeling it.

Love-Neil doesn’t know if he’s truly capable of feeling it. He knows devotion, in the way his mother fought for him and died for him, but they never said the words and Neil knows it’s different from what he feels for Andrew.

He knows family-Matt and Dan and Nicky say “I love you” even when they know Neil won’t say it back and he tries to find ways to repay them for not giving up on him even though the words stick in his throat.

He knows that Neil is not Nathaniel and that he’s growing every day into someone who cares for people other than himself and he takes the team’s jabs about him becoming a real boy in stride. But knowing something doesn’t necessarily change the chorus in the head that tells him he’s a monster every time he sees his father’s eyes staring back at him in the mirror. The only thing that brings him back from that ledge is Andrew’s hand on the back of his neck, his lips and hands and eyes, telling him he’s real and he gets to have this and that Andrew knows monsters and he wouldn’t let Neil this close to him if he was one.

It takes a while, because Neil has always been slow, but it hits him that there’s love and there’s being in love and that’s why his chest feels like it’s full when he looks at Andrew, asleep next to him and is allowed to just look. He reaches out to feel the sheets between them, warm with Andrew and tries it out.

“I love you.”

It becomes habit after the night and Neil says it every night before he sleeps now. Andrew doesn’t know how Neil thinks he can get away with it, with thinking he can’t hear him, but Andrew never says anything, just keeps pretending to sleep, because it’s easier than seeing the way Neil’s face would shutter closed the second Andrew acknowledged it. They’re always honest, but Neil is still a little like a spooked deer and Andrew’s learned to read him well enough to know when talking is useless.

Still, after a few weeks it’s getting to the point where Andrew needs to know why. Neil has said his peace and is drifting off when Andrew says without opening his eyes, “I hear you, you know.”

Neil’s hand freezes between them. “For how long?”

“About two weeks.” Neil swallows, but doesn’t answer, so Andrew continues, “Do you want me to say it back?”

“No.”

Andrew opens his eyes at that and says, “Then why?”

Neil shrugs. “Is it enough for me to just want to?”

Andrew thinks about that. “Do you mean it?”

Neil nods and Andrew reaches out to trace his throat where it bobs with the motion. He rests his hand against the side of Neil’s neck. “Yes or no?”

“Yes.”

Andrew kisses him and there’s probably too much teeth, but he doesn’t care because this is how he says “I love you” and while he can’t say it with words, he knows Neil can hear him.