i think the cat just farted

texts from last night! meme

[text] Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?

[text] The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here

[text] He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.

[text] I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW

[text] So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one’s for Team USA.

[text] He gave me the “find somebody who wants to date you for who you are” speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.

[text] I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese

[text] I just got high off one hit and then Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refrigerator and researching ways to replace it

[text] Seriously. I’m like, “Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you’re so fucking intelligent I’m turned on?”

[text] Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?

[text] He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I’m keeping him.

[text] I’m making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.

[text] It’s a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.

[text] Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I’ve been waiting for this moment forever.

[text] Lesson learned. Don’t roleplay with a real knife.

[text] We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman’s birthday party for the food. Whoops.

[text] He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.

[text] I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I’d say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.

[text] I’m wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.

[text] He’s like… An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It’s almost unsettling

[text] I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I’ve found the One.

[text] Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while… if you happen to find your balls then join us

[text] i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled “dibs!”…

[text] and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered “Simba”

[text] so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

[text] Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

[text] Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me

[text] We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sounds logical. Thank you daylight savings.

[text] when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was “chug-a-lug”

[text] There’s a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.

[text] Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine

[text] My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.

[text] He told me he loved me. I didn’t know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him

[text] Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten

[text] Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.

[text] He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.

[text] we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I’ve ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury

[text] I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man’s heart.

[text] When was the last time you wore pants?

[text] I’ve replaced you with thin mints and masturbation

[text] Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.

[text] Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time

[text] Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent

[text] We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.

[text] I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how’s your day going?

[text] I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn’t need it today.

[text] We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What’s wrong with this tradition?

[text] all i’ve had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.

[text] Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don’t exist?

[text] Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special

[text] And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention

[text] This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the “High While Analyzing Disney Movies” texts begin.

[text] Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won’t quit poking me on fb

[text] I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes

[text] One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won’t be me. I’m drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.

[text] You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

[text] im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster

[text] just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.

[text] I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on

[text] Let’s play a little game called “Chill the Fuck Out” - you’re our first contestant

[text] Didn’t get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.

[text] I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.

[text] you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat

[text] tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?

[text] We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out

[text] maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game

[text] i think its awesome that according to your mom i’m your friend that caught on fire.

[text] So fucked up. Can’t tell if I’m starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.

[text] I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.

[text] Vodka is such a love hate relationship.

[text] you traded sex for a burrito?

[text] I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.

[text] You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.

[text] it’s not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.

[text] You’re always adorable, but when you’re drunk, you’re like Chia Pet adorable.

[text] this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest

[text] I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box

[text] I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old’s Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.

[text] It’s like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it’s gummy bears and instead of milk it’s vodka.

[text] You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

[text] Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.

[text] we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying “i mean who doesn’t like cheetos”

[text] quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you

[text] I left a cheeto on everyone’s car trailing to the house i’m at, hanzel and gretel style.

[text] Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.

[text] nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs

[text] When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.

[text] kinda considering buying a life alert for sophomore year

[text] My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.

[text] Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.

[text] you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing ‘follow the yellowbrick road’. i’m pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted

[text] It’s like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.

[text] did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?

[text] The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.

[text] I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!

[text] You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.

[text] I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.

[text] So I woke up today with someone’s door knob in my pocket. I hope everybody else got out of the house ok.

[text] So we successfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.

[text] Because when I say 'You shouldn’t drink anymore’, she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks’

[text] okay, this game isn’t funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.

[text] The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.

[text] when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

[text] so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.

[text] You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone

[text] never. drinking. again.

[text] I’m gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.

[text] got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night

[text] I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now

[text] i’m out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.

[text] Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.

insult sentence starters
  • “You’re the walking personification of a fart.”
  • “Can you do me a favor? Just…stop breathing.”
  • “You uncultured swine.”
  • “Wow, look what the cat dragged in…”
  • “You’re about as useful as an expired coupon.”
  • “Who let you in here?”
  • “And here, ladies and gentlemen, we have the world’s biggest turd.”
  • “Please, shut up. Shut – stop talking. I’m going to kill you.”
  • “Have you ever thought about why no one likes you?”
  • “When I see you, all I think is ‘uuuugh’.”
  • “Shh. Stupid people shouldn’t talk.”
  • “Wanna know why I’m sitting? It’s because I can’t STAND you.”
  • “I hope you choke. Okay, no I don’t, that’s a little extreme. But leave!”
  • “Were you raised by wolves?”
  • “[text] [img attached: garbage can] i found your twin”
  • “How can you see when your head’s so far up your ass?”
  • “If I had a time machine, I’d make sure that you were never born.”
  • “Can do you something right for a change?”
  • “Be quiet. Forever.”
  • “Hey, could you get a little lower? No, lower. Six feet under.”
  • “Your mother breeds like a hamster and your father smells of elderberries.”
  • “If I could, I’d recreate the pie scene from The Help.”
  • “You’re dumber than a pole.”
  • “I hate your face.”
  • “You look awful. Like always.”
  • “I hate you more than I hate myself.”
  • “Think of it like this: I’m Beyonce. You’re Iggy Azalea.”
  • “Hey, jackass. I see you’re more jackass-y than usual today.”
  • “I see that they’ll let just anybody in here…”
  • “Where’s your warning label?”
  • “Look, I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry that I’m just better than you in every way.”
  • “Does your mother ever reflect on her mistakes? Mistakes like you.”

Gabriel Agreste is not a good person.

But god if he isn’t one of the most interestingly complex characters in this AU.

Let’s get one thing straight: Gabe is a horrible person. He’s cold, merciless, and when imbued with magic nothing short of murderous. He’s a monster. He deserves years of jail time far sooner than he deserves redemption. But. But. Everything he does, he does because he’s human. He’s grieving in all the wrong ways but he at the heart of it does it from good intentions. 

It’s just that the road to Hell is paved with those very same good intentions of his.

(I think the same things can be said of the canon version of him too, but here it’s a bit more opaque I think.)

Keep reading

Dating vows

I promise to care for you, and to try not to wake you when you’re really tired, and to help you clean your apartment. I will write you sweet messages, draw you cute pictures, and always check up on you. I promise to kiss you and snuggle you and yell at you to get your work done. I will always let you complain, and tell you you’re being ridiculous, and proceed to complain myself. I will feed our friendship, feed your ego, and wait before we leave so you can feed your cat. I promise to let you know when I am scared or upset or angry, but most of all when I am excited or turned on or just happy you’re mine. I will try not to drool on you or your pillows and I will try not to fart when we cuddle. I promise to steal your clothes and steal your hair elastics and steal your attention. I promise to support your decisions and tell you if I think something is a bad idea. I promise to try and compose myself in front of your friends and to completely gross out strangers. I will try every day to make you smile and to remind you of how grateful I am to be yours. I promise to make fun of you and make the time we’re together fun. I will listen to your dreams, your explanations, and synopses of your favourite episodes. I will remind you that you’re little in size, but the biggest man I know. I promise to do everything I can for you and most of all, I promise to love you.

anonymous asked:

"Jamie. There it was; the anchor point to which I had clung, my single hold on sanity." Forgive my naïveté but is there really love like this out there? I have never been in a relationship nor been in love. (And a 20 something virgin) I know this is fictional but it makes me long for love like this.

Of course there is love like that.  Diana’s story is super dramatic, cause….literature…..and ROMANCE.  

But, here are some regular life examples.  

Everyday I look forward to when my husband gets home from work.  I immediately bombard him with all the funny, smart, stoopid things that have happened that day.  Now, I talk to adults throughout the day, and my kids are old enough where I can tell them the things that interest me, but it is my husband that I REALLY want to share it with.  

Last night I watched a (dumb) “documentary” about aliens.  I don’t know why (lies….hormones), but it scared the crap out of me.  Naturally, I had nightmares.  I woke up my husband with my fretting.  He stroked my hair until I fell back asleep.

Several years ago,  I was watching Emergency Vets.  BIG MISTAKE!  I went downstairs to where he was playing a game online with his buddies bawling my fool eyes out.  He immediately dropped what he was doing and pulled me on to his lap.  After I told him, through sobs, what upset me so much (all the kittens died), he chuckled, consoled me, and forbid me to ever watch it again.  

All of those, minor, everyday examples of how my husband is my lifeline.  

And it isn’t just me relying on him.

When we got married he insisted on pick the song for the first dance.  He said he heard it on the radio and it was exactly how he felt every single day with me.  He still hums it every so often.

(trigger warning…..my husband likes a little country music)

But even those times that he drags me from my important cat video watching to come see a funny meme, or when he sets the table and gives me the fork I like best, or when he stays up later than he wants just so we can fall asleep together, I know he loves me and needs me.

He still farts too much in bed, and thinks its funny when I cry at the dumbest things, or gets elbow deep into a home repair project WITHOUT GATHERING ALL THE TOOLS HE WILL NEED AT THE START.

But I would never want even a day of life without him.

letthepeoplesay-oh  asked:

Congrats on 1.5k!!! I'd love to request a fic inspired by "MY PARENTS WON’T GET OFF MY BACK ABOUT GETTING A SIGNIFICANT OTHER AND THEY’RE HAVING A GET-TOGETHER IN A FEW DAYS PLS PRETEND TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT I’M HEAD OVER HEELS FOR YOU BUT IT SURE IS A NICE BONUS" because that prompt is literally 👌🏽👌🏽 P.S. I reblogged your post to my sideblog Rxbxlcaptain since I thought my followers there would be more interested :)

ahhhh thank you, Kat! <3 tagging @rxbxlcaptain just to make sure you get your fic!


i’m not gonna blow kisses

wc: 4201; read on ao3

“Do I have to wear a suit?”

Jyn doesn’t bother looking up, attention firmly fixed on her laptop. “Wear whatever the fuck you want. Suit, no suit. Bathing suit. Fursuit, even.”

“Birthday suit?”

She looks up then, snorting ungracefully. “Is that a legitimate option?”

Cassian blows out a breath, picking out two shirts from his open closet. “It’s about to become one if you don’t help me.

She sighs and sets aside her laptop on his bed, where she’s currently perched cross-legged. “Cassian, you’re already doing me the biggest favour by just turning up. You’re choosing to come with me to a party full of self-important old farts and nosey old cats just to get my parents off my back. Do you really think I care what you wear?”

“I think you should,” he mutters as he holds a plain white shirt up against his torso, peering at himself in the mirror fixed to the inside of his closet door. “What’s the point of going to all the trouble of arranging for a fake boyfriend if he’s just going to show up in board shorts and Crocs?”

[read the rest on ao3]

anonymous asked:

Can u tell me about got7 personalities please?

this is the best question EVERRRRR. ok get ready

mark (my bias so i’m gonna drag him)

  • certified nerd
  • likes rubiks cubes and math????
  • aegyo king of got7
  • but also gets hella hype whenever someone gets punished
  • The Quiet One except not really
  • he is the dad of coco and i think he loves that little dog more than he loves most people
  • he’s always apologizing for being boring or not being funny even though he’s great and his members should support him more instead of wonder why he’s so quiet and make fun of him for being boring (i’m a little bitter)
  • his laugh is also super cute and weird


  • thicc
  • like google jackson wang thighs
  • loud but funny
  • tries to be cute but also sexy sometimes one right after the other
  • which can get very confusing
  • has this bizarre high pitched laugh that is simultaneously endearing and hilarious
  • can get close to just about anyone like he’s friends with amber from f(x) and rap mon from bts and seo kang joon and probably a whole bunch more that i don’t know about
  • but is also lowkey needy (just look at his relationship with rap mon)


  • like if he’s coming for you you better watch out because he does not hold back
  • everyone acknowledges he’s beautiful
  • can come off as apathetic but is actually a good leader
  • sort of quiet? i think he’s mostly tired
  • he once farted on real got7 season 3 and he’s been the Fart King of got7 in my mind ever since
  • has missed his cat nora ever since she had to leave the got7 dorm because youngjae is allergic
  • will only appear on the v app when he wants to (he once turned a door away because the mirror on it was showing his reflection off camera)


  • likes to read
  • is super petty like jackson wouldn’t take him out to eat meat and he never let it go
  • very composed i think people call him the gentleman of got7
  • is the self proclaimed mother of got7 and never lets people forget it
  • he calls bambam and yugyeom his babies
  • but yugyeom highkey hates it like you can see it in his eyes
  • him and mark share this weird bond because they’re the quietest and most serious ones in got7 
  • and i honestly think that jinyoung is the only one who lets mark just be himself


  • L O U D
  • he is the Literal Angel of got7
  • he’s also the co-mom of coco (with me) and i think he’s the one that does most of the grunt work of raising her like i think mark plays with her a lot but youngjae seems to do most of the actual chores of having a dog
  • said once on got2day that he feels kinda in between because he’s the only 96 liner
  • i think he’s suffered a lot being jb’s roommate like he said jb holds him like a teddy bear when he’s sleeping and there was that one time he said he sleeps naked like
  • he’s suffered
  • i think some people think he’s boring???
  • they’re wrong


  • third member of amerithaikong
  • style icon of got7
  • probably the most hype member and the easiest to turn into a meme
  • used to be a tiny baby but he shot up like five feet and he wears those big ass heeled boots so he’s basically a giant now
  • voted Most Dramatic Glow Up of got7
  • he likes to participate in dance crazes so he used to whip and now he dabs
  • him and jackson spend a lot of time together
  • but him and yugyeom are besties for life


  • the baby and jinyoung never lets him forget it
  • resident Dance Machine of got7
  • he like legit is super talented and can dance really well and he freestyles and choreographs occasionally
  • tries to be sexy all the time and jinyoung shuts it down
  • really fucking loves chris brown like i have never seen a truer and deeper love than his for chris brown
  • is pretty chill for the most part but if you watch the confession song free dance video during mark’s rap you’ll see that he’s actually lowkey weird as hell
  •  a giant teddy bear
  • like really he’s so sweet and precious

anonymous asked:

Honestly, you're like- writing senpai (for lack of a better term) Like, I seek out your validation

Oh lordy no, I’m sitting here in my pajamas whining because my cat just farted on me, my validation is worth very little >< 

(but thank you bc i think this means you like my work and that’s a very sweet thing to say!!!!!) 

2p’s nyo excuses for not wanting kids

2p America: I’m afraid they’ll have bad taste in memes 

2p Canada: *long farting noise lasting at least 45 seconds* 

2p France: I’ve been dead for seven years 

Nyo 2p England: “I don’t want to have children, I want to stay single, and let my hair flow in the wind as I ride through the glen firing arrows into the sunset.” 

Nyo 2p Russia:That’s just what the communists want!

 Nyo 2p china: It would be unfair to my cat 

 Nyo2p Germany: *Angrily* YOU SEE!? This is just like that episode of Spongebob! *insert the plot of any episode of Spongebob in excruciating detail*

Nyo 2p Italy:  I don’t think I could get a good price for em on the black market.

Nyo 2p Romano:Fight me Helen!!! 

Nyo 2p Prussia: i-i j-just sat down

Nyo 2p Japan:I’m chaotic neutral

Nyo 2p Austria: I promised my firstborn to a witch and really don’t want to make good on the deal

Nyo 2p Spain:  I’m allergic 

anonymous asked:

The bros reactions to dating someone who turns out to have like, 5 pet cats at home?

I loved writing this so much, thank you! ( ′ ˇ ⌄ ˇ ‵ )

Osomatsu:  “Ooh, kitty cats!” he exclaims upon entering the house, kneeling down to them in attempt to give the friendlier ones a few headrubs. “This feels just like home! Except we don’t usually have this many there. Seriously, how do you not trip over them.” He seems to be getting along with them just fine, having accustomed to random felines lazing around the Matsuno residence, and he never really wonders why you have five of them (he’s probably seen weirder things in his life to question such mundanities, to be honest). Though he usually just leaves them be while he’s hanging out with you, your cats grow fond of him surprisingly quickly, to the point that they even demand attention from him. You guess that is mainly thanks to his ability to turn even the simplest things into mind-blowingly intriguing cat toys - that is, if you’re a cat yourself. He will need a lot of band-aids to patch up all those scratches he always ends up getting, though.

Karamatsu: He has had his fair share with cats throughout his life, so he’s very cautious around them, but he secretly really wants to win their affection. He’s definitely the type that is not willing to move when one of them decides to sit in his lap, and you might even see him get emotional about it, because holy shit, an animal acknowledged his existence. Most of the time he just ends up being gently bullied by them, though, as your kittens love to pounce on him, pull on the strings on his hoodie, or just randomly attack his feet while he’s laying with you in bed. They never really hurt him, but his little screams and yelps of horror are absolutely something to look forward to each day.

Choromatsu: For some unknown reason, your cats absolutely adore Choromatsu, but he can’t say he feels the same way about them. He doesn’t hate them, alright, but why are they always around him, why do they always choose him to sleep on, why can’t he take a step without them gathering around his feet like it was feeding time. Does he just smell naturally of catnip, you will never know. It’s hilarious listening to him complain, though, while he’s meticulously trying to peel the little purring machines off off him, and, honestly, this only gets gradually more comical the longer you are dating, the angry rants turning into muffled sounds of agony and defeat, as he has no choice but to accept his fate as a kitten cushion.

Ichimatsu: That’s it, he found paradise. He does not require anything more in his life. You don’t think you’ve ever seen an expression like this on his face before, but you’re not complaining - you might have to drag him across the house and plop him onto a seat yourself, though, when the effects of him having accumulated too much positivity kick in and he turns into some sort of a weird saint. He frequently brings little presents for your cats, and spends almost as much time playing with them as he does cuddling with you, and you’re fairly certain he considers them your children already. It’s the most heartwarming sight seeing him just casually carry around one of them, while another is sitting on his head, and the rest are following him around meowing. It’s even better when it’s nap time and they’re all huddled up in the same place - scratch five cats, now you have six.

Jyushimatsu: His initial reaction when he sees your cats is to touch them one by one and greet them enthusiastically with a “You’re fluffy! And you’re fluffy! All of you are fluffy!” Don’t worry, he’s actually very gentle with them, and absolutely adores squishing their tiny paws and burying his face in their soft fur. Most of your cats let him, much to your surprise, but there are still a few who just… grab onto his face with their claws when he gets too close to their tummy. He finds it funny, though, so you guess it’s okay. Cuddle time for you two includes all the cats, too - it’s like a heavenly fluffy bed, and you always have a hard time getting up.

Todomatsu: He’s not too particular about cats, but he needs some time to get used to five of them just roaming around in your room, and he especially gets conscious about them when he’s trying to get intimate with you. It doesn’t help his situation the slightest that there is that one little bastard that seems to hate him for no reason. He behaves normally when you’re around, but Totty swears he’s always plotting something against him when you leave the two of them alone. “This is just how he shows affection.” you tell him, but that just further fuels Totty’s rage. “He farted on my face last time!” he makes sure to put extra emphasis on the word. “Who does that! I’ve never done that to him before, how rude!” You try keeping it to yourself, but it’s honestly hilarious watching their interactions, especially when your cat hisses at him and he makes his trademark face in response. Does he really think you don’t see that…?

I need to share this story because i’m laughing too hard

ok so, because of my meds I need to eat a very specific diet of things to keep my stomach not a general hellscape– the problem is that with the things i have to eat, i get gas. Really bad. 
But usually it’s not too bad.

Today, though, i’m sitting in my recliner and recovering from my arm surgery– just watching tv and scrolling– and then i felt the need to fart ok but like it was a small pressure so i didn’t think about it. 
It was not a small fart, i was sitting up so i just. It was so loud it woke up both of my cats who were sleeping in the room with me and shook the chair. 

Bessy looked up from her cat bed and stared at me like “what the fuck” and Pettybone meowed at me, all offended.

I have been laughing for 5 mins.

starters based on stuff i've said/thought
  • "nothing sexier than a guy in a target uniform"
  • "these falsies were a terrible idea"
  • "you can't just replace pandas with more pandas and think everything will be fine."
  • "i wanna work as a panda. they can give me a suit. wait will there be wifi in the suit?"
  • "well that's... not good--"
  • "holy shit... cat satan..."
  • "i'm gonna fart"
  • "bitch, eat faster. *makes whip noises*"
  • "what the fuck it's leaking on me"
  • "i'm just really confused"
  • "okay but listen, did you see the baby cheshire cat? the cheshire kitten."
  • "all hail hot dad."
  • "i'm weak. i'm so weak."
  • "look at his jawline."
  • "anyway i'm perfect."
  • "once i hugged him and his hipbone hit me in the boob."

sapphicsam  asked:

White rose, 5

5.) “Wait a minute. Are you jealous?”   

‘Team RNJR begins their journey, walking along the snowy landscape to defeat Salem the Cat’

Jaune - Listen Ruby, we can only have 2 leaders. and since I have seniori……

Ruby - Nope

Jaune - Look, this is my…

Ruby- Nope

‘A bright White light appears beneath the team, blinding them all’

Jaune - 'assumes leadership stance’ Ruby ! Lancaster !

Ruby - Nope

Jaune - Rub 'abruptly shot into the air’ 'screaming’ yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

'Light disappears as Jaune disappears in the distance’

'Ruby,Ren and Nora stand around awkwardly’

Ren- I guess I’ll go get him 'turns around’ Catch up with you later Ruby…… 'starts walking off’

Nora -  I…I 'looks between Ren and Ruby desperatley’ Aaaah Ren ! Wait for meeeeee 'runs after Ren’

Ruby - 'kicks dirt’ Guess I’ll set up camp…..




'Ruby wakes up in a different camp, Weiss sitting next to her tending the fire’

Ruby - Weiss  ! =D ’ jumps up and hugs Weiss’ 'looks around and pulls back’ Where’s Jaune ?

Weiss - 'pouting’ In the background, far away from us .Where he belongs

Ruby - How are you here ? I thought you were in Atlas

Weiss - Look, it’s not important. Your dad called me and told me about this stupid plan you had

Ruby - 'hurt’ Stupid ?!

Weiss - Yes stupid 'thwacks Ruby on the forehead’ Out of all the friends we have, you decided to take the B team ? You wanted to rely on BARF BOY ? He can’t even activate his semblance !

Ruby - Hey ! ’ realizes who she brought along, getting real quiet all of a sudden’ I mean…Nora’s useful

Weiss-’ nods head’ Just as I thought, no plan whatsoever, but don’t worry Ruby 'confident’ I. 'places hand on chest’ managed to find you a QUALITY team

'Coco and Velvet walk out from behind a tree, waving fondly’

Ruby - 'confused’ I mean, they’re great……but….why them in particular ?

Weiss - Team CFVY is highly skilled and sure to be useful on a…..

Coco - 'raises hand’ Since we’re girlfriends 'reaches out and pulls Velvet to her side’  She has you all to herself

Weiss - COCO ! 'flustered’ That’s not how it is at all ! 'crosses arms, composure regained’  I just have confidence in your combat capabilities 'turns head up, a victorious smile coming upon her face’

Coco - Then why only bring us ?

Weiss- Wha ? I mean….4 ! That’s a team !

Coco - Yeah, at school. We don’t have to worry about that now.

Weiss - I couldn’t get anyone else !

Coco - 'smirks’ Not true. Yatsu and Fox wanted to come along, and you didn’t even try to bring that Rainbow cat along

Ruby - Weiss ! 'horrified’ She could fart rainbooooows D=

Velvet -  Don’t be mean Coco 'nudges Coco in the shoulders’   I think it’s cute that she’s jealous  

Ruby -  Wait a minute…'turns to Weiss’ YOU’RE jealous ?

'Weiss shoots a venomous glare towards Velvet’

Velvet -  Oh ! 'covers mouth’ I’m so sorry, it just came out’

Coco-  Come on Velvs 'scoops Velvet into her arms’  Let’s get you out of here before little Chicken White pecks you to death

'Coco carries Velvet out into the forest’

Weiss - Hey !

Coco- 'calls out from a distance’ We’re just going to give you two a minute……

Weiss - Good good

Coco - 'in the distance’ Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do ;)

Weiss- 'rage face’


Ruby - Soooooooooo 'starts swaying from side to side’ Jeeeeaaalllloouuus ? 'leans towards Weiss, eyeing her happily’

Weiss - I wouldn’t say jealous….

Ruby - What would you say then ?

Weiss -Well… I promised to be the best teammate you’ve ever had 'starts twiddling thumbs’ …..I can’t do that if I’m not by your side

Ruby - 'happy tears coming to eyes’   Oh Weiss…….

Weiss- Don’t look at me like that 'glares’ It’s creeping me out

Ruby - 'tackles Weiss, hugging her tightly’ I LOVE YOU TOO

Weiss -  Ruby you DUNCE ! 'struggles’ You know how I feel about this sort of thing ! Release me !

Ruby - Nope ! You’re surrendering to the love this time Weiss ! There’s no escaaaaape !

Weiss - Oh I am ? Well I’ll show you

'Weiss turns the tables on Ruby, hugging her affectionately and showering her with kisses’

'Weiss abruptly stops her assault, laying on Ruby , her eyes turned to the side’

Ruby - Weiss ?

Weiss - 'quiet’ I was worried ok ?

Ruby - 'flailing under Weiss’ Weiss, you’re heavy

Weiss- Dad took me back to Atlas…..and you went out with those 3 and….and

'Weiss gets off Ruby, sitting next to her apprehensively’

Ruby - 'sigh of relief’ Oh thank goodness

Weiss-  'whispers’ What if I never got to see you again  

'Ruby and Weiss sit together uncomfortably, stealing nervous glances at one another’

Ruby - I was coming to get you , you know 'hugs Weiss protectively’  I’d never leave you behind Weiss….we’re partners for life…….

Weiss - 'looks up into Ruby’s eyes’ Promise ?

Ruby - 'smiles’ Promise ^^

Writing prompts are OPEN 


something a little light hearted and silly

“I’m not convinced.”

“What? Why?!”

“You did not, and I repeat, COULD NOT have-”

“Why would I lie to you Lucy!”

He turned around and began to crawl back through the narrow entrance in a huff, “I’m leaving this fort! Have fun without me!”

“Wait, Natsu!” Lucy called, grabbing his ankles and yanking him back into their fort, dubbed ‘Fairy Pillow’ by Lucy, which was basically a haphazard mess of blankets and pillows and half of Lucy’s couch constructed into a makeshift tent. They had both agreed it was a grand endeavour, lying down in the cramped and stifling hot fort, sharing pizza, gossip, and various bodily functions with each other. 

“Come back please!” Lucy mock begged, blocking Natsu’s lazy kicks trying to get her to let go. 

“I’ll come back only if you admit it!”

With a dramatic sigh, Lucy said “Fine. I, Lucy Heartfilia, totally and completely believe, that you, Natsu Dragneel, set your fart on fire and burnt down a school. Happy?”

“Yes!” The blue cat popped up from digging around in the marshmallow bag. 

“Not you silly” Lucy giggled.

“It was an ABANDONED school. Do you think I’m some kind of monster?”

Yes. Maybe. I don’t know anymore. 

Lucy kept her mouth shut.“I really don’t care, I just needed you back to make some more smores” she grinned, sly like a cat.

“I do have other uses you know! An Oven, human matchstick, campfire, a candle, miniature sun, a volcano, a lighter-”

Boyfriend. Partner. Yours. 

“Ok Mr. Versatile let me stop you there before you run out of fingers. How about a game?”

Natsu joined Lucy again, lying down on their stomachs and feet swinging back and forth, occasionally grazing the top of the fort. 

“What kind of game? Is there a prize?”

Now THAT piqued both their interests.

“A staring competition, and whoever wins gets one wish!”

Happy jumped at that, “I’m gonna wish for more marshmallows!”

They all shared a warm laugh. “It’s not that kind of wish Happy, you get to ask the loser to do anything you want!”

Anything? Natsu could think of a few things.

“I’ll verse Lucy first, and then you Happy, because let’s face it, I’m going to win” Natsu said, smug as ever.

“You wanna bet, let’s do this.”


10 seconds.


30 seconds.


1 minute.


2 minutes passed. Lucy’s eyes were beginning to water, the strain finally getting to her. Natsu, on the other hand, looked completely fine.

“Ah dammit!” She blinked her teary eyes shut, but still laughing all the same.

Natsu seemed fine, but his heart was pounding so loud he was sure she would hear it thumping against his rib cage. 

“Ok Natsu” Lucy spoke, gingerly rubbing her eyes, “What’s your wish? I’m not eating anything gross by the way.”

She realised Natsu was quiet, for once, and she looked up only to meet his gaze, so uncharacteristically serious.

“Lucy, can I kis-”

The once grand ‘Fairy Pillow’, standing proud and in some places, lumpy, suddenly caved in on the three of them, wrapping Natsu, Lucy, and Happy in a cage of musty blankets and squished marshmallows.

“I’m glad we’re not architects” Lucy said sarcastically, voice hitching as she tried to calm herself down and disentangle from the array of blankets. 

Natsu suddenly popped up from the pile, Happy in hand, and a less than enthusiastic grin plastered to his face. “Well! That’s enough for me tonight! I’m going to bed now Lucy! Goodnight!” He practically shouted, getting up and tucking himself into the makeshift bed on the couch away from her sight.

Was he going to ask me to-?

They’d have time for this some other day. It was late, her stomach was bursting at the seams, and her heart was too elated. She wasn’t sleeping well tonight.

“Well, goodnight Natsu.”

this could have been so much longer, let me know if an extended version would be better! feedback and reblogs are always appreciated, your advice helps me improve!

anonymous asked:

I've literally never zeen anything zadder than that picture of solo!Zayn with hiz one award.

Melly, Zayn looks like he’s holding a ransom note from Liam’s kidnappers in that picture and not an award for a number 1 album. This is really bumming me out.

Why is Zayn looking so sad that pic with his trophy broke me he should be ecstatic!! He needs to go back to Bradford spend time with his fam and get away from the US and the paps and the fans and Gigi and all the high fashion brand promo Pap walks every night and be himself he needs to be Zain not ZAYN he needs to be himself rather than a brand

Right? That owl-eyed tiny  wind sprite should have the biggest grin on his little face clutching his #1 album award in his smol palm, and instead he has a “someone farted in this elevator and I have 10 more floors to go” face on, his little hood pushed up over his head like he’s in a commercial for feminine itch:

I don’t think Zayn is actually sad, I just think Solo!Sad!Zayn is a thing that the 1DHQ-approved UK publications want you to think. BUT TODAY IS SATURDAY AND I AM IN A SLIGHTLY SAD TROMBONE MOOD SO I THINK WE SHOULD FOCUS ON SOME THINGS THAT AREN’T SAD:

::cracks knuckles:: LET’S GO

Zayn holding kittehs (KITTEHHHHHHS!!!!).

 Look at him with all these cats, big ones, tiny ones, grumpy ones, ginger ones, TIGERY ONES. Cat Lady Zayn is one of my favorite Zayns. He probably sits down next to the kitteh, minimizing his Amazon search tab for “cat condos,” and is like “Hai kit-ee caht, ah’ve gaht this iPahd wif CNN, let’s read wut’s gowin’ ahn in tha wohld*”:




Look at all these puppehs. LOOK AT HOW MANY. ALL OF THEM LOBE ZEHN. 

And now i’m done but LOOK AT THE MANY THINGS. THE END. 

*that’s my best Bradford accent

anonymous asked:

I have no idea if you've already done this or if you'd prefer to do this with one of those big asky post things but I was wondering what kind of instruments you think the guys would play?

Hey, I don’t mind answering this at all, I love thinking of headcanons! Like, idk if my headcanons are very interesting, but if u wanna ask me about them, I’ll gladly accept!

(also, I ended up doing everyone instead of just the guys OTL)

Chris - I could see Chris playing keyboard, taking advantage of the different sound effect functions and playing some beautiful classical music using wonderful sound effects, such as “cats meowing,” or “farts.”

Josh - Perhaps he would play drums–though it takes a lot of physical movement, it’s cathartic to be able to beat the shit out of something while producing something beautiful.

Emily - Cello/double bass, instruments typically played while sitting down. I imagine they make Emily feel powerful, because their deeper tones are so commanding.

Sam - She might play acoustic guitar and probably listens to acoustic versions of songs, which are usually much softer and kind of down-to-earth, so I would imagine the acoustic guitar would be her preferred instrument.

Jess - Jess plays saxophone, I would say. It’s smooth sound can be very soothing or very energetic. I imagine she was actually in her school’s jazz band, and being saxophone, which is often center-of-attention in a jazz group, helps give her a confidence boost.

Ashley - a flute is a very high and light instrument, is very calming to hear. She listens to flute music when she writes or does homework, so playing the flute really calms her down when she’s nervous.

Matt - Matt’s such a huge sweetie, he would play Harp, I think. Since football players sometimes take ballet to improve flexibility and movement, he probably heard harp music while taking dance and picked it up from there, because it’s so sweet and light.  Another instrument typically played while seated, and harp/cello/double bass compliment each other very well.

Mike - he’s a fuckboy (i mean that in the most affectionate way), so Mike would probably play the electric guitar. He picked it up because he thought it looked cool (which it does), and would get him laid (which it also does). But he really does enjoy playing and he’s good at it.

Hannah - Ukelele. She can put this influence down to Sam, who’s affinity for acoustic guitar has rubbed off on her. But she likes the lighter, airier sounds of the ukelele, and does youtube covers. (Plus ukelele is cousin to guitar, including electric.)

Beth - Beth likes the traditional beauty of the violin coupled with the modernity of an electric instrument, thus electric violin. It’s fun to be able to sound like a rock star while playing Vivaldi.