i think that makes it a little funnier


        Mother and Father. They would have laughed. To see me all dressed up. The Bat-Man. They would’ve laughed and laughed. My father was classically dignified, my mother was classically kind. They were not people who laughed often. The world was a burden to them. A burden they bore with dignity and kindness. But once in a while. If they saw something–something particularly ridiculous…
        When I remember them, I remember them laughing. And they should laugh. Good and hard. Everyone should. It’s funny. The whole world should laugh. Do you think I don’t know? A grown man. Dressed as an animal. Sitting on a gargoyle. Waiting for crime to come. And when it comes, he’s just going to punch crime in the face. And if that grown man just punches crime hard enough, then that’ll just make everything all right. It’s funny. And what makes it funnier, what would make the whole place screaming, is that it’s not really a grown man. That’s just the mask under the mask. No. Way up there. Looking over us. Trying to save us. That’s that kid. That’s that little rich kid whose mommy and daddy got shot. And instead of mourning them properly, he got on his knees and made a vow. “I swear by the spirits of my parents to avenge their death by spending the rest of my life warring on all criminals.”
        A kid and a vow. The ears and the belt and the batarangs and the Batmobile and the gargoyle and the roof and the leather and the armor. How sad. How stupid. How immature. How hilarious. How hilarious all of it is. I want to laugh, too. Do you know how much I want to laugh?

I think “I cried at the (reprise)” is the perfect summary of my life.

anonymous asked:

Hi Beer! I was thinking if you could give it a thought to the idea of making a design or a fanart inspired in Stiles' quote from S01E03 "No you stopped to bake it in a little werewolf oven" I love your art, your style and you are very creative, so...I leave it there :D

Say no more, anon.

Hi! Sorry for the late reply but here it is! I imagined it like those “satisfaction guaranteed” stickers on products (It was funnier in my head ;;;) I wanted to add the “little” part in the sentence but it didn’t fit the feel of the design.

Also thank you very much T v T I’m glad that you enjoy the stuff I post-–I hope this is ok haha I’ll most likely draw one more for this but we’ll see :-)) 

anonymous asked:

Do you think Ashi died like the other Daughters or survived?

OH MAN…I’ve had my eye on Ashi since the first episode when she showed how different she was from her other sisters. In her training when they were younger, she showed happiness at the world outside, and just seemed to be presumed the weakest out of the Daughters because of this.

I can only imagine what that kind of training can do to someone, and she must have only continued on out of fear of course. Still, I knew that they just wouldn’t show this sense of reluctance in her and not bring it again, which I’m glad they did in this episode! Especially with this scene:

All the Daughters are just so confused by this act of kindness among animals. One of them even states they don’t like it, while Ashi (I assume it’s her, it’s hard to tell when they all look the same lmao) is just more less asking questions. She’s curious and I think that’s what makes her so different from them. The rest of the Daughters either see the deer as a symbol for Aku or they hate the show of affection. She even assumes watch when they settle down for the night, which I think show’s her different from the rest too because she’d rather be alone.

Now onto the fight with Jack at the end of the episode, it was interesting to see that despite Ashi being deemed the weakest, she was the last one to go down among her sisters:

She didn’t hold out for long of course, and Jack easily defeated her.

But this part sort of threw me off. Her dialogue sounded forced, “Die you worthless scum…you won’t escape Aku’s grasp yada yada” And I thought this could be to make the situation a little funnier, but she honestly didn’t sound too into it. Like the villain in a school play just reading his lines in monotonous tone. Now to answer your question: Did she die like the rest of the Daughters?

Ehh I don’t think so. The other Daughter’s were stabbed or had an injury to the head that caused them to die right away (or the one who was just launched over the edge), but Ashi just fell like her other sister. I think either she is the only survivor or the other Daughter who also fell somehow survived too. Now they were trained for anything, so it’s likely they/she survived I don’t think they would kill her off this quickly, especially since the show had already introduced her as the deviant of the Daughters (and she’s the only one with an actual name I think lmao). It’d be bad character development to just kill her off, unless it was to fuck with Jack even more (the Daughter’s were all victims of Aku as well). 

I have a feeling the show is going to bring her back to either A: Finish off Jack, or B: Help Jack (or C and Aku comes into the picture and does something to her). Overall, I really hope Ashi survived because it’d be interesting to see where the story takes her :D


alright this got a little out of hand

under the cut is the background to this au. because fuck, it works almost too well. also, because everyone makes fun of the fact that marinette and adrien look exactly the same as their alter egos, viktor’s hair magically grows and yuri removes his glasses. you can say that the miraculous temporarily fixes his eyesight if you want, but i honestly think it’s 100x funnier if he just can’t see a fucking thing

Keep reading

The more I think about it, the funnier it gets… I mean, all the time I spent exposing Hey Violet just to have them drag themselves worse than I ever could. Writing piss poor songs like Make Up, Fuqboi, Guys My Age, Brand New Moves, and Pure only proved how right I am about them. I called them out for writing horrible problematic lyrics before any of those songs existed and as if they were TRYING to prove me right, they went into the studio and wrote those horrible songs… WILLINGY!! I mean, they do it to themselves. I just thought they’d wait a little longer to show their true colors… but nope. Not only did Rena drop the bass and called it, “trying something new,” but they radically changed their sound and look. Need I mention Rena’s lame Billboard interview? Where again, through no help from me or other exposing blogs, she exposed herself again. And if you’re wondering, “how did she expose herself?” I suggest you do a quick Google search and read that interview again. It’s just funny how transparent they are and yet they have fans. It’s just so funny how quickly the stuff we said they’d be, say or do came true.

anonymous asked:

i know you ship namo (nayeon + momo?) or just like it? but i'm kind of new to twice ships and i haven't seen much of namo so i was wondering if you could like describe their dynamic or why you like it or something ? thanks

*cracks knuckles* my time has come.

(Disclaimer, this isn’t about shipping, this is just my take on their dynamic and why I like it.)

Honestly, (in the kindest possible way) Momo’s a little slow - she attests to this herself, and moreover she’s extraordinarily innocent, and this is largely what defines her relationship with Nayeon.

Firstly, Momo is Nayeon’s #1 victim. No members of twice can be easily fooled by Im Nayeon, no one except Hirai Momo. (There’s an actual 4 minute video out there somewhere of Nayeon tapping Momo whilst she’s not looking and not getting caught, and Momo is utterly clueless. And let’s not forget the ice cream incident in TEPL). Whilst any other member would have probably kicked back at Nayeon’s antics by now, Momo hasn’t. I think it might’ve been Chaeyoung who once said that Momo gets teased a lot by the Twice members, she’s slow but she has a lot of humility, she takes everything on the chin and doesn’t mind being a victim if it makes the other members happy - and no one finds teasing funnier than Nayeon.

Nayeon’s a little clueless too, (the upside-down knife incident, believing her crisp packet was broken because she was holding it the wrong way up, going months using slow 3G on her phone because she forgot to switch on her data), but she’s mature in ways Momo isn’t. She’s over a year older than any of the other members, and has said before that she sees it as her responsibility to look after the youngest members - particularly Chaeyoung and Tzuyu, and I honestly believe she puts Momo in this category too, despite Momo being the third oldest. She doesn’t baby Momo like she does the maknaes, but Nayeon definitely coddles her, and whilst she’s the first to tease Momo, she’s also the first to protect her. Ever noticed how whenever Momo has an incident, (wardrobe malfunction, accident, etc.), Nayeon is the first by her side, (I can literally name five instances off the top of my head alone). This could be a coincidence, but, think back to a few weeks ago. Whilst rehearsing for TT on a poorly designed stage, Momo almost tumbled right off the side which surely would’ve left her with a bad injury had it not been for Nayeon’s quick intervention. A few days later, Nayeon revealed that she was able to get to Momo in time because she knew that Momo was close to the edge and that Momo “takes big steps” when she walks, and ran over to Momo because she thought her shout wouldn’t be heard over the music - Nayeon knew Momo would hurt herself BEFORE the girl even moved.

Furthermore, whilst she occasionally likes to faux-rebel under the influence of the likes of Jeongyeon, Momo’s naturally obedient, and I think Nayeon especially appreciates this within a group who love to ignore the authority of and mock their ‘eldest unnie’. Momo values Nayeon’s opinion higher than most, (remember when Nayeon off-handedly once said Momo would suit short hair and now Momo won’t stop talking about it), to the point where fans have taken to calling Momo “whipped” by Nayeon.

I like to compare Nayeon to Tinkerbell - she needs applause to live. In the nicest way, she’s a narcissist, she needs compliments and affirmations to survive. And what does Momo do best? (“I like you both ways” “You’re so pretty I didn’t even see the flowers”). Momo doesn’t compliment people selfishly - she doesn’t do it to receive compliments in turn, or to gain favour, it’s genuine, she probably doesn’t even really think before she says them, and that’s probably what makes her ‘flirting’ even more effective. And Nayeon adores it.

Their 'game’ is actually one of the similarities between them, next to Sana, NaMo are probably the second and third best flirts in Twice, (snake line ftw), and neither are strangers to skinship or affection. Whilst their attentions aren’t most frequently turned to each other, (like Sana to Dahyun), when they are, Nayeon and Momo have some of the best (gayest) moments in Twice history. (Remember in TEPL when Momo was giving Nayeon a massage and then just started backhugging her instead and they lay there cuddling? Iconic.) They also play really well together, I think parts of their personalities, particularly their senses of humour, are actually quite similar, (I’d vote them both Most Likely To adopt and raise a family of plushies). They both have fake maknae tendencies in different but equal rights.

Ultimately whilst they can both be slow and flirty, Nayeon’s mature and protective where Momo’s innocent and trusting, their similarities and differences compliment each other equally. That’s why I like them.

Also, one time they just skipped out on filming Twice TV3 to go on a beach date together. Just saying.


It never fails to make me happy, that my husband thinks I am funny. Not just “ha ha you’re adorable”, but in the way where I can render him gasping for breath with tears streaming down his face Funny. And he tells people too, at every given opportunity. He’s proud of me, immensely so, and it makes my little heart sing because I was always told this would never happen.

My mother always told me that boys don’t like funny girls. They especially don’t like girls that are funnier than them. Boys don’t like a lot of things, according to my mother. They don’t like sluts but they also don’t like prudes, and they don’t marry bimbos, but they also don’t want someone too clever either. Because you’re life is supposed to be a supporting act. You can be funny, but you are part of a duo. You are the cheap laugh to his comedic genius, the assistant fluttering the feathers to distract everyone from his slight of hand.

And it makes me sad because my father—a profoundly funny man—agrees with her. Oh women can be funny of course, but not because they are quick or witty, but because they are laughable. The fact that I work hard at my craft is irrelevant, explained away by an anomaly of chance and luck, and as he so often says with an buff of his nails on his imaginary lapels, genetics—empirical proof that some men will try to take credit for whatever you do, even if their last worthy contribution was sometime post utero, but mostly prior.

A sentiment many men in my life feel the need to reiterate as they comment on my facebook with things like “wow you sure are something” or “where did you get that line from” as though it could never have come from my own pretty little head.

Which is hurtful, to say the least. Insulting as middle ground and at worst a broken record stuck on repeat for the last thirty years of my life.

So the next time you think about sending me a message that says “wow you’re really funny for a woman” I would like you to reconsider your outlook on life, and whether or not it might be better improved by first removing your head from your arse.

Voltron and Atlantis au (Spoilers to the movie btw)

I’ve heard some stuff about this and some fan art but I wanted to contribute lol (Also, you should probably see the movie in order for what I say to make sense because I ramble a lot.) This is not a fanfic thing, I just go into major detail on how I imagine it. It is basically a shitty summary of the movie but with different characters lmao. I think it is kinda interesting though.

(Keith is a lot more bad ass than Milo, I mean Milo is like a clumsy little dude. Keith has the same personality as well, Keith.)

(Lance is a lot more carefree and funnier than Kida. Like He is really chill unless something bad happens.)

Baby Lance (Kida) is a prince that is running with his parents, when his father gets chosen blah blah blah. The beginning part where it shows Atlantis and what happens to the people there.

First things first. Same as the movie, it is set in 1914. Keith (Milo) works at a museum, in the weird boiler room that Milo spends his time in. Keith wants to find Atlantis. His father (Kinda like Milo’s grandpa) told him all about Atlantis, and when his father died he felt like he needed to you know, follow in his dads footsteps and shit like that.

Nobody believes Keith and thinks that he is an idiot for even thinking that Atlantis is real, and that only makes him want to search more. When he goes to his apartment and goes to find his cat, Red, he sees a woman sitting in his living room, which in the movie she is Helga, but in this au she is Haggar or Nyma (Couldn’t really decide :/)

Nyma or Haggar takes Keith to Mr. Whitmyers mansion, where he is told to find Atlantis and that stuff. Mr. Whitmyer is oF COURSE- Coran

Keith and Coran talk about the plan and stuff like that. Then next thing you know Keith is on the ship thing. There he meets the commander, which in the movie is Rourke, but in this case he will be Zarkon. 

Then he meets Mole, which is none other than my boy Hunk . And then there is Dr. Sweet, which is Shiro because they are both strong and very dad like :)). Audrey will be Pidge. I mean the personality is sort of similar? Smol girls that are good at fighting and being cool I guess. Jebidah… I thought maybe he could be Coran, but I dunno. Whatever you think Coran would work the best with. Also, that old lady that talks into the speaker thing on the ship, I think her name is Mrs. Packard, yeah that is gonna be Prince Lotor. Don’t ask why. I just think that I would be the happiest this way.

Okay, and I know these two personalities are not the same at all… but I thought it would be really funny if Allura was the dynamite guy. I think his name is Vincenzo. I thought it was hilarious. 

And those are the characters, which I hope I am not forgetting any.

They do some boring shit- until Keith goes out of his tent one night to play around with his knife and look around the cave. He then notices that little bugs are setting things on fire, he wakes every one up, they escape with the camp in flames. When they are trying to escape, they fall off of a bridge thing. Keith gets injured, and that’s when Lance comes into the story.

Keith is bleeding, and while everyone is looking for him, Lance approaches him. He grabs his crystal and heels him. Keith sees Lance only for a moment before the others find him and Lance leaves. 

Keith and the rest follow Lance, only to find Atlantis. Lance approaches Keith, and you see, Lance thinks that Keith doesn’t know how to speak Altanian, so this is how their first convo goes.

If I were a stop light, I’d turn red every time you passed by, just so I could stare at you a bit longer.” Lance says with a smirk.

“Thank you?” Keith blushes. Lance turns red too, because he did not except that to happen.

They eventually find out that Lance can also speak other languages, but they all settle on English.

Lance walks all of them through Atlantis, chatting away with Keith the whole time. They then meet Lance’s father, who is of course the King in the move. I forgot his name. Oops.

The King tells them to leave, but Zarkon and Lance somehow convinces the King to let them stay a night. 

Of course Lance and Keith then get closer, Keith finds out that Lance is like 8,000 to 9,000 years old and then responds with the fact that Lance is “Lookin’ good’ for his age.

Then the iconic swimming scene where Kida takes her skirt thing off (Lance does the same thing but more in a suggestive way because he is trying seduce Keith lmao)

And when they figure out some shit they go back above the water to Zarkon and the rest of the team waiting. They force Keith to tell them what they learned or else they would shoot Lance.

Then sneaky ol’ Zarkon and the gang go and attack the King, which pisses Shiro off because he didn’t want to hurt anyone. So Shiro decides to help heal the King instead of following Zarkon.

They go to the King, and they try to find what the heart of Atlantis is. Which was that cool rock circle thing. Zarkon, Haggar/Nyma, Lance, and Keith all go down to the heart of Atlantis. Lance has a mini little meltdown thing, and when Keith tries to help him Zarkon starts to get impatient, and commands Lance to do his magic shit thing. When Keith tries to go after him, Zarkon says “Hold on, lover boy” (One of my favorite scenes in the goddamn movie idk why).

Lance then rises into the air and does that super epic thing that Kida did in the movie, and he goes back to the ground, and scares the living shit out of all of them. Zarkon and the rest of them then lock Lance in a metal box.

As they are leaving, Keith tries to negotiate. But… Zarkon punches him. 

“I hope that you will now have enough money to open that second garage with your brother Pidge.” Keith says, defeated. He turns to Allura. “And maybe now you can open that flower shop. I am sure your family will be proud.” Allura and Pidge both look down shamefully. 

Pidge feels guilty, and goes to Keith. Allura does the same. Then Lotor gets out of the truck with a cigarette and goes “We are all gonna die”. Hunk goes with them too. 

Zarkon and Haggar/Nyma laugh because they think that they are all idoits for not going with them to get the money. Boy they were wrong. Zarkon leaves, with Lance imprisoned with them. Keith tries to run for them but is pushed down by Allura, who tells  him to wait. When Keith looks up he sees that the bridge is exploding. “Okay you can go now.” Allura informs him.

Keith goes to the King. Shiro tells him there is nothing else he can really do. When Keith talks to the King, he gets that super cool crystal that he saw Lance had. Sadly the King dies in that scene tho.

Shiro is able to convince Keith to keep going, and he does. He tells the gaurds in Atlantis how to fly those car things with their crystals, and the rest of the team learn as well. They fly after Zarkon. 

Zarkon is trying to escape, even trying to get rid of Haggar/Nyma because he wants everything to himself. They then get into a fight, which causes Haggar/Nyma to fall off of the air balloon. 

They try to get Lance and kill Zarkon, but they start to run out of time. The fights are just really messy and as much off a bad ass he is, Zarkon is stronger. Keith then loses his shit and stabs Zarkon with a crystal, causing him to turn to this stone like thing and crumble. Haggar/Nyma shoots the balloon from balloon, causing it to plummet to the ground. The team tries to get Lance, but the volcano that they happen to be fighting in was about to arrupt. Luckily they are able to get out of there and back to Atlantis, but lava is flowing towards it, causing panic.

Lance is let out of the metal box, and still in his magic daze, he floats the freakn’ sky and does some cool magic shit again. He makes these stone guard things and everything is super cool. They make a force field that protects Atlantis from the lava. Lance goes back to the ground, as him normal self, where Keith catches him. 

“Keith?” Lance hugs him.

When it’s time for the team to say goodbye, they take pictures for a memory. Keith stays in Atlantis with Lance, meanwhile everyone else goes back to America.

When Coran asks them what happend, they say that everyone besides them died.

Coran opened a letter from Keith, that talked about how he now has proof. In the letter is a crystal. Which is all that Coran needs.


The Joker x Reader  “Spice it up”

You like to keep things sexy and interesting for Mister J. He loves to be spoiled and thinks he’s entitled to it. Is he?…

J is not a morning person. He hates it when you schedule early business meetings. He hates that you have so much energy from the second you wake up. He hates it that he wants to stay upset with you for the rest of the day and he can’t. He hates everything. A real ray of sunshine…

You hear his steps dragging on the marble floor. You are cooking breakfast wearing nothing but your pink t-shirt and black boy shorts. You turn around and there he is in all his morning glory, fresh out of the shower: one eye closed, the other half open, just enough to see where he’s going, black sweatpants really low on his hips, he didn’t even bother to pull them up (which you don’t mind), messy green hair and pouty lips. If you actually look in the dictionary to see the definition of “shitty morning”, you will find his picture there.

“Morning, Puddin,” you smile, turning back to your skillet, waiting for it to get hot so you can start cooking the eggs and bacon.

You hear a mumble that kind of sounded like a greeting.

“I’m making your favorite,” you giggle, turning around just to see him seated on his chair, arms crossed on his chest, eyes closed now. You pour some coffee in a mug and take it to him.

“Here, baby, coffee.”

“I don’t want that. I want a mocca,”  he replies with raspy, low voice, without even looking at you, kind of dozing off.

You take deep breath, keeping your cool. Thanks for telling me in advance.

You start making his mocca and in the meantime get on with the cooking too. Mister J really needs to wake up so you just insert your iphone in the speaker system and say:

“Play Zara Larson: Bad boys.” The song starts. “Lauder. Lauder,” you command.

The surround sound really kicks in and the base makes everything shake a little bit. He grunts, unhappy, until he opens his eyes and notices you shake your hips in front of the stove in your tiny little boy shorts.

“Hmmm,” he stretches a bit, finally standing up straight in his chair. He knew you would do this and was waiting for it. You always put up little shows for him when he has to wake up early. You start dancing more, shaking your booty to the rhythm and sing a bit, facing him.

“I said there’s something ‘bout the bad boys
That makes the good girls
Fall in Love”

He snickers: “Since when you’re a good girl, Princess?” Oh, wow, is that a…smile?! The end of the world is coming, brace yourselves.

You just move your lips to soundlessly utter: “RUUUDE.”

Taking a quick glance to make sure nothing is burning; you drop to the ground and seductively crawl to his chair, still maintaining the rhythm of the song. You get on your knees between his legs and plant a kiss on his abdomen, right on his smiley tattoo and also steal a quick kiss when he looks down to see what you’re doing. J tries to grab you but you back out very fast, sliding your tush on the marble.

“Awwwww, sooo slow,” you giggle when the Joker growls at you, upset he couldn’t reach you in time.

“Com’ere doll!”

“Hold on, my eggs are burning,” you laugh, going back to the stove, but still shaking your hips because you know this wakes him up. He can never figure out how you take your lingerie off unnoticed. This must be a really special talent you have. He didn’t see your arms awkwardly move or anything, but suddenly you turn around and your cute lacy bra lands in his lap. He carefully watched and you still managed to surprise him.

“Want some toast with that, Puddin?” you wink, satisfied at your little trick. It’s not really a trick, it just takes practice.

“Yes, I do,” he fully grins now, wide awake. “Pumpkin, you really know how to work your magic,” he purrs, playing with your bra. “Daddy likes it.”

“Happy to oblige, Puddin. You can call me… Hoe-dini.

He bursts out laughing. “HA,HA,HA,Ha,Ha,Ha,Ha! That’s a good one, doll!

His crazy laugh makes you laugh too. Yes, he might be the Clown but you think you’re funnier. You never told him that, of course.

“Food is done” you announce, turning off the music and bringing the plates to the table.

He always eats on the chair and you always eat sitting on the table to his left, holding your plate. “Why?” you would ask. Because The Joker likes to place his phone in your lap and watch the news, this way he gets a good… view of everything he wants to see. The things you do for this man! You didn’t eat breakfast normally at the table since like…forever. If you try to sit by him like a normal person, he would create such a fuss. The bright side is that from time to time he would unconsciously caress your legs while concentrating on his phone or lean his face on your thighs while chewing on his toast and you kind of found that adorable. Yeap, you’re crazy too. Self-diagnosis, not that you’re a doctor or anything.


J loves to see you dress up in fancy business suits for the morning meetings - the ones with a short skirt and a jacket. It makes you look so smart and sophisticated. He has a thing for that. In the same time, he knows how much it turns you on when he wears a tux so that’s what he is going to wear today: one of his fancy tuxes. You wouldn’t catch Frost without a suit even dead, so all three of you look very sharp heading towards the secret location for the gathering. All the other partners have been aware of what you guys expect for a very long time and since you set up the pace, they all show up in business attire too. Here you all are, the worse of the worst: a bunch of criminals planning murders, heists, kidnappings, blackmails and God knows what else looking like you are attending some big, legit corporation business meeting. Batsy would lock you all up at Arkham and throw away the key.

You always sit by J, of course, behind the Mahoney desk you two stole from the Bank of Gotham. It’s your personal favorite for many reasons. Without anyone noticing, you like to take his hand under the desk and slowly brush it up your inner thighs, then trap it in between. The Joker stays like that for a bit, but then he feels the urge to caress your skin with his thumb and that makes you squeal. Ticklish.

You start coughing a bit so it won’t look suspicious and then here comes the question:

“So what do you think, J?” someone asks.

Both of you look puzzled, completely unaware of what it was talked a minute before but you know you are the one that has to take the heat. You release your trap so Mister J can pull his hand out from between your legs. Tonight you will probably pay for distracting him.


They began looking through building plans and when the Joker gets to his little pile of papers, you see his mouth going: ”Oh!” You smirk: he found it.

The Joker is intrigued: here is your skimpy little g-string right there between the sheets. He put it on you himself back at the house and you didn’t leave his sight since. You sure have an interesting talent.

“My little naughty Hoedini,” he thinks, pleased to find the present, glancing at you with a wild grin on his face. You just chew on your cheek, pretending not to notice, going over your own documentation. He then nonchalantly takes your gift and stuffs it in his tuxedo’s pocket, leaving a bit of it hang on the outside, just like it was a handkerchief.


You were right: as soon as you got back home, you had to pay for distracting him at the meeting.

The Joker is already loading all the guns and his eyes follow your movements around the living room: you can barely walk, trying to put together the grenades and smoke bombs. Ah, the gratification he feels building inside his chest knowing he’s the reason for your…misfortune. Jerk!

“Why so quiet, Kitten?” he lifts his invisible eyebrows, delighted to mock you.

“Shut up, J” you mumble, trying to walk straight with your noodle legs.

“Wanna dance for me again?” he giggles.

“Leave me alone,” you pout, annoyed.

“Wanna stay home tonight and…recover?” The tone in his voice, wow, what a nerve.

“Noap, I’m going.”

“Are you mad at me?”  Arrogant! Not that he cares.

You don’t bother answering; you just take your duffle bag full of explosives and head out to go wait in the car. You hear him shout:

“You know I don’t like to be ignored! Want me to punish you again?”

“Go ahead, I’m gonna be numb for a month anyway!!” you shout back, irritated.

How it antagonizes you to hear him laugh so full of himself.

He heard the bone crack when you fell. One of the guards on the floor had the audacity to grab your leg and trip you when you passed by. You screamed in pain and the Joker lost it: he shot the man right way, plus three more around him because why not. Robbing the largest bank in Gotham should have ended without crazy events. Well, too late now.


You broke your left arm in two places. J never saw you cry until that night. You really must have been in terrible pain and he felt something weird weighting on his heart. It made him miserable seeing you like that. How weird…He tried to brush away the feeling but he found it impossible.

For the past week you were mostly in bed, cast on your arm, bad mood, pain killers and all the fun stuff.


The Joker gave you a piggy back ride downstairs and now you are in the kitchen, sitting in his chair while he fumbles around with things all over the counter, total chaos.

“What are you doing, Puddin?” you ask, grouchy.

“Cooking for you, Princess.”

Oh, crap, no! He’s a terrible cook. Why must you be punished again, didn’t you go through enough already?!

“So…what are you cooking?” you swallow the lump in your throat, willing to break another bone than eat what he’s making.

“Not sure,” he grumbles. That’s reassuring.

He notices the distressed look on your face and mistakes it for physical pain. He comes over to give you a kiss and then he lingers close to you lips, whispering:

“Pick your song, Pumpkin.”

You look in his blue eyes, confused.


“Pick.Your.Song.” he emphasizes each word, winking.”And don’t tell anybody, ever! I mean it!” Is he really going to?…

“Play Madonna- Girl gone wild,” you say, opening your mouth in anticipation. The song starts on the speakers. OMFG, no way!

Mister J starts flirtatiously moving his hips to the beat, and you suddenly feel revived. He takes of his shirt and tosses it at your head. You start laughing, completely surprised by his performance. You remove the shirt, keeping it in your lap and continue to watch how he dances for you, trying to imitate what you usually do for him. It’s hilarious but in the same time he’s not too bad at all.

He’s coming towards you, crawling at your feet and he grins at you as he gets on his knees to kiss you. You let out a soft moan as you touch his lips, trying to put your arms around his neck so you can pull him closer. He backs out fast before you can hold on to him.

“You’re sooooo slow, baby doll.”

Jerk, he’s paying you back.

He grinds against you, takes off his pants, and…what’s this hanging from the side of his boxers?!

“Holy shit, Pumpkin, how did you do this?” he stops dancing, pulling out your bikini.

Hoedini strikes again.


Food is ready. You brace for the worst, trying to lift yourself on the table to your usual spot. It’s kind of hard without a hand. You feel his arms around your waist, not helping you up but placing you down on the chair.

“Here, doll, you sit.”         That’s a first.

J is the one to get on the table and sit to your left, carefully taking your casted arm and placing it on his lap so you can relax it and eat with the other hand. You feel tears forming at the corners of your eyes and you try to keep them in.

Needless to say this is the best food you ever had, even if his cooking is as terrible as expected. He showed you he cared and that’s all you wanted.

Also read - MASTERLIST :


anonymous asked:

It cracks me up when people don't get his sense of humor in his IG captions. People really think he's in Twin Peaks?! Reminds me when he posted that video of him as a kid and said, "My audition for Chicago." and I saw someone post, "that show's a little mature for a little kid to be in." OMG

People really don’t get his humour and that only makes him funnier to me. Like when he was mocking Donald Trump and people were like “wait does he want Trump to be president” it just really tickles me when people don’t get his humour

anonymous asked:

Can I ask for a scenario in which Sinbad's s/o calls him 'daddy' at the dinner table just to tease him about his age, but it backfires and makes all Generals to think of Sinbad more of a pervert than he seems to be in the bedroom. XD

“Sure, daddy.”

Laughing Sinbad’s s/o would take another sip of their whine, suggestively wiggling her eyebrows at him. It was only a simple reaction to him asking them if they are not a little too young to drink and originally should only have gotten him flustered.

“Not in this tone, young lady.”, he’d joke along, his voice chiding.

They’d go on like this for a little while, Sinbad giving his best not to get angered by their indirect claims of him getting old, getting right back at his s/o. They two were to absorbed in their little fake quarrel, they didn’t even noticed the stares of Sinbad’s closest friends around them.

Only when Ja’far would finally drop his spoon, mouth wide open, the two would look up. First at the ex-assassin, then at everyone else, asking them plainly what’s wrong.

Embarrassed Hinahoho would turn away, facing Pisti next to him, the small women painfully holding her laughter, tears forming in her eyes as she tried to fixate her view on her plate, but in the end some stifled giggles would come forth until she couldn’t hold back anymore and broke out in laughter, letting a big sigh go through the people assembled.

Sharrkan only switched from Sinbad to his s/o, his look containing admiration and a little bit of disappointment at the same time, hands away from the table as he tried to find the right words to say. Yamuraiha next to him seemed to lack the competence to speak too, as her lips where occupied with her glass of water for the full time of the embarrassment, her cheeks tinted in pink and her view averted from the two.

Masrur was the calmness himself, moving the herbs from his steak and continued to eat. So was Drakon who gave a short huff at the two, seemingly remembering something and then proceeded his meal, a small smirk on his mouth. Nobody was questioning his thinking either apparently.

At this point Sinbad and his s/o got very confused. Exchanging looks, Sinbad would shrug at his lover, as a sign that he didn’t know what was going on. And so his s/o leaned over to Spartos, asking what was up with everyone. The poor Sasan would jump, his face almost matching the color of his turban as he’d vigorously shake his hands, muttering that it’s “probably not what he thinks it is”, only confusing the couple even more.

“You two…”
Looking up the two would face Ja’far, leaning forward, his head being supported by his hands, as he’d give them a very concerned look, exhausted even and a little scary. Overall he had that aura he sometimes showed when Sinbad did something very stupid.

“We are all very happy that you two found each other. But for the love of god…”

The others would give an affirmative nod to his words, as Ja’far paused to give both of them a short eye contact. Sinbad would be piecing the things together as he remembered getting a similar speech before and slowly there would be color rising in his s/o’s face too, as they’d go over the spoken words before.

“For the love of god stop talking about whatever you like to hear behind closed doors!”, Ja’far would end his sentence, getting louder to the end and sitting up, showing the small redness on his face, he tried so hard to contain.

When You’re Drunk (GOT7)

“can you do a got7 reaction to you being drunk?? i don’t mind whether it’s in front of the members or not! thank you!!”

(gif credit to the original owners)

In front of the other members, he would have none of it. He’d whisk you away and make sure you wouldn’t get anymore in drunk. He’d be a little embarrassed and would get you away from the others like a true dad. If it were just you two, he wouldn’t be so red in the face. He’d just take you home and stay with you to make sure you’re okay. He’d act grumpy with you because he doesn’t like to see you drunk, but he wouldn’t be mad (just worried)  

“Aish (Y/N), again?”

Originally posted by blondetuan

(bb what are you doing?)

He’d know that you couldn’t help how you were when you were drunk so wouldn’t be as embarrassed. He would sigh, laugh a little and take you home. He’d make sure the other members didn’t encourage you to push yourself to drink much more. His top priority would be to make sure you’re safe and well. He would giggle a little at your silliness.

“Come on (Y/N), let’s get you home.”

Originally posted by blondetuan

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rynewind  asked:

Tbh one of my fav lines is 'suck my balls l'm out' and the first time I laughed because it took me by surprise but I can't help laughing every single time because of Andy's perfect delivery!! I think day two is my fav day altogether because he's so sure in the beginning that it's everyone else who's wrong and he's so cocky and then his realization that something's not right! Ahhhhhh #youaskedtotalkghdtoyou

Honestly one of the most brilliant parts of that too is that you can hear the little clicking sound after that line that sounds like the door shutting? It’s so unnecessary to include that as they didn’t for Day One but it makes it so much funnier??? And you’re right, Andy’s line delivery is perfect. Honestly Day One is my favorite version of Small Town USA because of “watercolors of bucolic vistas painted by octogenarian spinsters” and the way he says “relentless analysis of the weather” but Day Two is definitely the best of the three overall, especially live with his reaction to the cops entering the diner and the gold lines of “I could help him… But I didn’t yesterday so I better not, I don’t want to mess up the space-time continuum.” and “Do you want me to call someone?” “With what, a dixie cup?!” Plus his listing off of the things that could possibly be happening is always funny to me. Day Two is,, extremely underrated thank you for this. #icryeverytimesomeonetalksghdtome

anonymous asked:

Girls you made me laugh so much with the replies to the " if you met Quinn in a bar ". My sides are still hurting now. This is why you're my favorite blog. But please get Ashley to answer. Although I have a feeling I know what she'll say.

I’ve actually got nothing. It’s shameful and I am ashamed. Whatever you think I’m going to say is probably way funnier than anything I’ll come up with. 

Probably depends on how much I’ve been drinking, honestly. Drunk Ashley makes friends with everybody, and Peter Quinn would be no different. It would be like, “omg you’re an ASSASSIN? Have you assassinated anybody cool? Here’s my phone number and e-mail address and omfg do you have a DOG?”

Sober, I’m a little more discerning. 

anonymous asked:

Sorry about that! For the crush is around question could you do jae, dowoon, and junhyuk thank yooou

Jae: Okay so I imagine our chicken Jae here to be obnoxious funnier than usual. He will want to show off to his crush that he is a guy with a sense of humor because he thinks that is what reels the ladies in. He’d be a smooth talker as well, knowing just what to say to get her blushing. He is a human being though so he does feel slightly nervous and is a little clumsy around her, so he kinda fumbles over words and trips over his own two feet which makes it really hard for him to be smooth. He’d have this really light pink blush when she’s mentioned and he’d just play it off as he’s too hot or he is feeling a little sick.

Dowoon: Dowoon is a shy guy, sometimes he’s really quiet around all of his hyungs so in front of his crush its like silenceX100. He would have sweaty hands and a racing heart around her at all times cause she just looks so beautiful. He’d think of really cool things to say but never say any of them because he doesn’t get the right chance to. When Dowoon actually does say something, its something silly which makes everyone laugh even his crush and he’d have such a proud/happy feeling and wouldn’t stop smiling

Junhyuk: Junhyuk would be the most chill. He would act as he normally does because he wants to charm his crush naturally instead of acting like someone he’s not. He would have a lot to say though, he’d want to get his crush to open up to him first and then be all friendly, cracking jokes here an there and then after the right amount of time, dive into the relationship stage.

Constance Wu: Art & Wholeness

As a kid, whenever I went to plays or watched movies or read books, it wasn’t the beautiful girls or the cool guys who inspired me. Honestly? It was embarrassing stories of complex people with difficult feelings. Feelings that I too was feeling but too scared to admit, making me feel very alone, and very lonely. Writers or actors who were brave enough to be real, unpretty, messy, scared, vulnerable … It was those stories that told me: You Are Not Alone.

Growing up as a Chinese-American girl in the predominantly white suburbs of Richmond, Virginia, I always felt a certain unplaceable level of discomfort. To compound that, I was prohibited from examining this discomfort because Richmonders truly are the nicest people you’ll ever meet and we all used to think that racism and sexism did not exist when people are nice (I have since found this to be unfortunately untrue.). This discomfort and the ensuing prohibition from examination of the discomfort made me go internal. It must be my fault. I was flawed or crazy. And while I wouldn’t wish that feeling on any child, it did activate me to make sure I worked diligently and thoroughly to “earn” my place in the world. How sad is it that it never occurred to me then that I should be able to be in the world, just by being in it, rather than by earning it. That easy confidence of self and place didn’t come intuitively to me, as it did to my friendly Southern neighbors.

Then, after 10 years of grueling hard work and devastating rejections, I became an “overnight success” as the star of the first Asian-American network sitcom in over two decades. At first, when asked to speak on Asian-American representation in media, I shrank from it. Suddenly, here was the issue that I had been internally transforming into self-blame my whole life. And I was suddenly being asked to speak on it. It was terrifying for me. Up until that point, my denial and internalization had made me believe that there weren’t any issues for Asians. Because I had thought they were all my own personal issues. While that may sound naive, one need only look at the narrative content in the room in which they are currently sitting. Is there even one children’s book with an Asian-American girl protagonist? How many magazines have Asian-Americans on the cover? Novels? Movie posters? The answers are low, and so were my resources, and, therefore, so was the implicit ceiling of my imagined potential. But I honestly believe, if you’re lucky enough to, say, have a network television show that prompts you to speak about uncomfortable things, then it is not only your duty, but it is also your privilege to use the power for good. And to use it smartly.

So I began to read. About Asian-American identity. About race relations in America. Blogs, books, journals, magazines. I began to engage some of my woke friends. Humbly listening, asking embarrassing and uncomfortable questions.

And from all that self-initiated knowledge-seeking, a miraculous thing happen. All the discomfort I had felt as a child, that I had thought I was crazy for feeling, that I hadn’t expressed … all of it suddenly had language. And having the language for it, and the voice to speak it, freed me.

My career choices no longer became about personal fulfillment, but about, well, service. How can I best serve that little Asian-American girl inside of me who feels all alone and has no language to describe her feelings? How does that serve many Asian-American girls right now? Even in playing my role in “Fresh Off the Boat”, it would be very easy to just know my lines, hit the jokes, and be delightful in interviews. To do “just enough”. But I wanted to do more with it. I wanted to make her a complex human. I wanted to avoid the easy jokes in favor of truth (which is always funnier, in my opinion). I wanted to use my interviews to raise uncomfortable issues … not to make people feel discomfort, but because stretching our imaginations and extending our dialogues about race is as good for our hearts as exercise. It’s also just as strenuous and fatiguing. But that fatigue is how you know you’re working. If it’s too easy, then you’re not going to get results.

The same thing can be said for creating difficult characters in TV and film.

When we watch one-dimensional characters who are easy to predict (i.e. stereotypes), I think we not only expect little of them, but we are forming a world that doesn’t exist in real life. In reality, we all have complicated families, backgrounds, motivations and difficulties. That kid who was always the class clown? His parents might have been going through a bad divorce. He just didn’t tell you because that’s not how he coped with it. When we marginalize or narrow the way that characters can be seen or understood in TV, we marginalize our own imaginations of human potential. That’s why it is important to me that I study the people that I portray. Human stories must be honored in a way that is greater than a quick laugh or a snap judgement. And sure, in a 30-second commercial or a two-minute trailer of my TV show, it might seem like we just hit the easy beats … that’s why it’s a trailer. That changes when you watch the show in its entirety. I honestly believe that the reason “Fresh Off the Boat” is going into its third, critically acclaimed season, is because we do the hard work of creating complexity out of what could have been one-dimensional. In preparing for my role playing Jessica Huang on “Fresh Off the Boat”, I make a concerted effort to understand the life that informed the behavior. I try to show the vulnerability of Jessica, the anger and frustration when she doesn’t feel heard. When she does feel heard, it’s showing how that anger melts away and there’s nothing but gratitude and love. That’s the key to connection for her. She, like us all, is a complex person. I want to show Asian-American characters not in a good light, but as whole human beings with the good and the bad, the ugly.

And in the midst of all this, it’s my privilege to be able to explore characters that want to show their Asian identity as opposed to just wanting to be the faceless “beautiful girl” in a romantic comedy. After all, identity informs experience. And race is a part of identity. It’s something of which to be proud of. I hope to change that narrative of Asian-Americans into one of pride. I hope we become proud of our parent’s accents, because it means they know two languages! I hope we become proud of our different cultural upbringing, because it creates our compassion for different immigrant experiences.

I’m very grateful for my opportunities as an actress, but I never want the gratitude to lead to complacency or materialism. Anytime I’ve been seduced into the “stuff” that surrounds what I do instead of the actions of what I do, it’s fun for a while but it’s like the manic type of stuff. The “stuff”—parties, clothes, praise, materialism—is not something that you can generate from within, therefore even if you’re happy, you’re slightly afraid that you’re going to lose it. Therefore, it’s a panicked type of happiness, and it feels unstable and bad to me. I prefer the type of happiness and meaning that’s generated from within: from your friends since childhood, your big sister, from acts of service, from standing up for people, from exploring nature or literature. Because people can’t take that away from you! They can take away your car, they can take away your job, they can take away your money, but they can’t take away your ability to create something internally, that’s meaningful and worthwhile.

I know a lot of people tire of the conversation surrounding diversity. Listen, it sucks that I get asked about being an Asian-American actress in literally every interview. While white actors rarely get asked, “What’s it like being a white actor?” No, they just get to talk about acting. So yes, it’s tiring. It’s fatiguing. It seems unfair that we Asian actors should have to do it. i’m sure a lot of people are sick of it.

But I’ve learned that just because something’s fatiguing doesn’t mean it’s bad. It’s like that great quote from “A League of Their Own” where Geena Davis says, “That’s it. I’m quitting baseball! It just got too hard.” And Tom Hanks says, “Of course it’s hard! If it wasn’t hard everybody would do it, but it’s the hard that makes it great!” Fatigue isn’t an excuse for inaction. All the stories that move us, not even just narratively, but politically and historically, are people going through the hard stuff. That’s what happens when you care. And that’s what happens when you care about something greater than yourself.

I have the luxury of choosing an occupation based on desire, not on survival. Why am I, why are we Americans, so lucky to have choice? I can see no other reason than that we are under some sort of special obligation to make good use of it.

Art exists to help us create meaning in our short time on this planet. It’s crucial. Because if the only reason we’re here is to make money, eat, have sex and die, that’s a squandering of our very good luck. Who we are and what we do expresses our humanity as a whole. And when we are whole, we realize that we are not alone. That we are, very much, in this together.

-Constance Wu for Darling Magazine [transcribed from these images]

musicalsandtrees  asked:

I've been going through s4 on Netflix and Framework Fitz's hair makes me laugh a little too much. does he straighten it every morning? did he get whatever the opposite of a perm is? does he think curly hair isn't authoritative enough? we may never know


oh sweet child 

gosh why couldnt we have gone back to the fzzt hair that was PEAK fitz hair. the curls with that weird part in it ?????? like who parts their curls like that besides moss from the it crowd??? how much funnier would the fritz scenes have been if he had the fzzt hair oh my god. just. everyone imagine this with me. all the fritz scenes but he had THAT hair 

zombiefromfinland  asked:

omg the request about reader being a young hero was the good stuff seriously, please do share more of your headcanons they are to die for!!!

eyyy bouta go see my therapist, but here’s this in the meantime? should I make tag for this? uhhhhh #young recruit should do it! check that tag to see what this is a continuation of, if you don’t already know!

  • Sombra and D.va are great gaming buddies!! 
  • Sombra is a prankster. You two are complete partners in crime. Reaper blames just about anything that happens at base on you. “Yo, the ice maker’s weird aga-” “Y/N and Sombra.” 
  • Based on those notes she left herself at Watchpoint Antarctica, Mei has both a youthful spirit and a habit of drawing a little. You like to spend downtime with her. Don’t tell anyone, but you like to draw little parodies of all your coworkers. Jack tends to be an old man who falls asleep in the middle of the war zone. Shh…
  • Genji has a clever mouth. And you like to laugh, plus you’re too young to really scold him. This means that during conferences and boring meetings, it’s normal for him to lean down and mutter funny little tidbits in your ear. Whether it be a stupid meme, some song lyrics he was reminded of, or a joke at the speaker’s expense, the rule that everything is 100% funnier when you can’t laugh is fully present here.
  • Zenyatta can make any kind of work way more fun. “Goddammit, I hate paperwork.” “Think of the pen as a river, and you control the flow.” “Mmm…” “A water slide is another good option.” “Heh, thanks Zen.” 
  • One of you favorite things to do is catch candid photos capturing your friends in compromising positions. You always put, “explain this picture to someone who doesn’t know anything about Overwatch,” as the caption. The comments are hilarious. 
  • You, D.va, Lena, Lucio, and Zenyatta all run the account. This makes for a wide variety of posts. At first it was just you, and for a while you were always behind the camera. Eventually people wanted to see your face, and that started the idea of having other people assist.
  • Sombra will occasionally hack into it and post what she calls ‘Fails of the Month’ or similar mocking posts. They usually are lists of funny insults or incidents that happened to everyone else. 

I was probably 19 when I first came to Hollywood. Eddie Murphy brought me out to do Beverly Hills Cop II and he had a deal at Paramount, so I remember going through the gates of the Paramount lot. He’s in a Rolls-Royce, and he’s not just a star, he’s the biggest star in the world. Don Simpson and Jerry Bruckheimer’s office was in the same building as Eddie’s office, and they would come to work every day with matching cars. Some days it would be the Porsches, and the next day it would be Ferraris. I was like the kid in A Bronx Tale. I got to just hang around when the biggest parts of show business were happening. I was only there a couple of weeks, but I remember every day Jeffrey Katzenberg would call Eddie Murphy — I don’t even know if Eddie was calling him back — but it was like, “Jeffrey Katzenberg called again.” “Janet Jackson just called.” “Michael Jackson called.” It was that crazy. I’ve still never seen anything like it. I had a small part in the movie, but my dream was bigger than that. I wanted to have a convertible Rolls-Royce with a fine girl driving down Melrose blasting Prince.

Now I’m not Murphy, but I’ve done fine. And I try to help young black guys coming up because those people took chances on me. Eddie didn’t have to put me in Beverly Hills Cop II. Keenen Wayans didn’t have to put me in I’m Gonna Git You Sucka. Arsenio didn’t have to let me on his show. I’d do the same for a young white guy, but here’s the difference: Someone’s going to help the white guy. Multiple people will. The people whom I’ve tried to help, I’m not sure anybody was going to help them.

And I have a decent batting average. I still remember people thinking I was crazy for hiring Wanda Sykes on my old HBO show. I recommended J.B. Smoove for Saturday Night Live, and I just helped Leslie Jones get on that show. She’s about as funny as a human being can be, but she didn’t go to Second City, she doesn’t do stand-up at The Cellar and she’s not in with Judd Apatow, so how the hell was she ever going to get through unless somebody like me says to Lorne Michaels, “Hey, look at this person”? I saw her at a comedy club four or five years ago, and I wrote her name down in my phone. I probably called four managers — the biggest managers in comedy — to manage her, and all of them said no. They didn’t get it. They didn’t get it until Lorne said yes a few years later, and then it was too late.

Some of these younger black guys just want me to see their act. Some come to me for advice. Hannibal Buress called the other day. They want to know about agents and managers and the business; this kind of deal and that kind of deal; dealing with the media and dealing with family; money crap and where they should live. It’s big brother shit, and they ask because there aren’t that many black people to turn to. Who do you hire? Where’s the big black PR agency? Where are the big black agents? Where’s the big black film producer? That’s why I’ve been all over Steve McQueen. I put a microchip in Steve’s pocket and track him like an Uber driver. Steve thinks we keep bumping into each other by accident. “Hey, Steve, my man!” I don’t care if I have to play a whip, I’m going to be in a Steve McQueen movie. But I digress.

It’s a white industry. Just as the NBA is a black industry. I’m not even saying it’s a bad thing. It just is. And the black people they do hire tend to be the same person. That person tends to be female and that person tends to be Ivy League. And there’s nothing wrong with that. As a matter of fact, that’s what I want for my daughters. But something tells me that the life my privileged daughters are leading right now might not make them the best candidates to run the black division of anything. And the person who runs the black division of a studio should probably have worked with black people at some point in their life. Clint Culpepper [a white studio chief who specializes in black movies] does a good job at Screen Gems because he’s the kind of guy who would actually go see Best Man Holiday. But how many black men have you met working in Hollywood? They don’t really hire black men. A black man with bass in his voice and maybe a little hint of facial hair? Not going to happen. It is what it is. I’m a guy who’s accepted it all.

We cut it out in Top Five, but there had been a scene where Kevin Hart, who plays my character’s agent, is in his office talking to me, and he finds out that “Zoolander” (Ben Stiller) is down the hall and he’s mad because none of the agents called him. He’s the only black agent at the agency, and there was a line in the movie like, “I’m the only black agent here. They never invite me to anything, and these people are liberals. This isn’t the Klan.”

But forget whether Hollywood is black enough. A better question is: Is Hollywood Mexican enough? You’re in L.A, you’ve got to try not to hire Mexicans. It’s the most liberal town in the world, and there’s a part of it that’s kind of racist — not racist like “F— you, nigger” racist, but just an acceptance that there’s a slave state in L.A. There’s this acceptance that Mexicans are going to take care of white people in L.A. that doesn’t exist anywhere else. I remember I was renting a house in Beverly Park while doing some movie, and you just see all of the Mexican people at 8 o'clock in the morning in a line driving into Beverly Park like it’s General Motors. It’s this weird town.

You’re telling me no Mexicans are qualified to do anything at a studio? Really? Nothing but mop up? What are the odds that that’s true? The odds are, because people are people, that there’s probably a Mexican David Geffen mopping up for somebody’s company right now. The odds are that there’s probably a Mexican who’s that smart who’s never going to be given a shot. And it’s not about being given a shot to greenlight a movie because nobody is going to give you that — you’ve got to take that. The shot is that a Mexican guy or a black guy is qualified to go and give his opinion about how loud the boings are in Dodgeball or whether it’s the right shit sound you hear when Jeff Daniels is on the toilet in Dumb and Dumber. It’s like, “We only let white people do that.” This is a system where only white people can chime in on that. There would be a little naivete to sitting around and going, “Oh, no black person has ever greenlighted a movie,” but those other jobs? You’re kidding me, right? They don’t even require education. When you’re on the lower levels, they’re just about taste, nothing else. And you don’t have to go to Harvard to have taste.

Fifteen years ago, I tried to create an equivalent to The Harvard Lampoon at Howard University, to give young black comedy writers the same opportunity that white comedy writers have. I wish we could’ve made it work. The reason it worked at Harvard and not at Howard is that the kids at Howard need money. It’s that simple. Kids at Harvard come from money — even the broke ones come from money. They can afford to work at a newspaper and make no money. The kids at Howard are like, “Dude, I love comedy, but I’ve got a f—ing tuition that I’ve got to pay for here.” But that was 15 years ago; it might be easier to do it now because of the Internet. I don’t know.

I really don’t think there’s any difference between what black audiences find funny and what white audiences find funny, but everyone likes to see themselves onscreen, so there are some instances where there’s a black audience laughing at something that a white audience wouldn’t laugh at because a black audience is really just happy to see itself. Things that would be problems in a world where there were a lot of black movies get overlooked. The same thing happened with those Sex and the City movies. You don’t really see that level of female movie that much, so women were like, “We’re only going to get this every whatever, so f— you, f— the reviews, we’re going, we like it.”

And you should at least be able to count on your people, and then it grows from there. If someone’s people don’t love them, that’s a problem. No one crosses over without a base. But if we’re going to just be honest and count dollars and seats and not look at skin color, Kevin Hart is the biggest comedian in the world. If Kevin Hart is playing 40,000 seats in a night and Jon Stewart is playing 3,000, the fact that Jon Stewart’s 3,000 are white means Kevin has to cross over? That makes no sense. If anybody needs to cross over, it’s the guy who’s selling 3,000 seats.

But here’s one thing I’ve noticed in the last five to seven years, and I didn’t think I’d live to see this day. There used to be black film and Eddie Murphy, and the two had nothing to do with each other. Literally nothing. And in the world of black film, everything was judged on a relative basis — almost the same curve that indie films get judged on. It was, “Hey, House Party made a lot of money relative to its budget,” or “Oh, we only paid $7 million for New Jack City and it made $50 million.” Now, not only are black movies making money, they’re expected to make money — and they’re expected to make money on the same scale as everything else.

I think they’ve been better in the last few years, too — a little more daring, a little funnier. But look, most movies suck. Absolutely suck. They just do. Most TV shows suck. Most books suck. If most things were good, I’d make $15 an hour. I don’t live the way I live because most things are even remotely good. But when you have a system where you probably only see three movies with African-American leads in them a year, they’re going to be judged more harshly, and you’re really rooting for them to be good a little more so than the 140 movies starring white people every year.

The best ones are made outside of the studio system because they’re not made with that many white people — maybe one or two, but not a whole system of white people. I couldn’t have made Top Five at a studio. First of all, no one’s going to make a movie with a premise so little and artsy: a star putting out a movie and getting interviewed by a woman from The New York Times. I would have had to have three two-hour meetings explaining that black people also read The New York Times. A studio would’ve made it like Malibu’s Most Wanted. And never in a million years would they have allowed a scene where the rich guy comes back to the projects and actually gets along with everybody. No way. In most black movies — and in most black TV shows and even in most black plays — anyone with money or an education is evil, even movies made by black directors. They have to be saved by the poor people. This goes back to Good Times and What’s Happening!!

Now, when it comes to casting, Hollywood pretty much decides to cast a black guy or they don’t. We’re never on the “short list.” We’re never “in the mix.” When there’s a hot part in town and the guys are reading for it, that’s just what happens. It was never like, “Is it going to be Ryan Gosling or Chiwetel Ejiofor for Fifty Shades of Grey?” And you know, black people f—, too. White women actually want to f— black guys, sometimes more than white guys. More women want to f— Tyrese than Jamie Dornan, and it’s not even close. It’s not a contest. Even Jamie would go, “OK, you got it.”

Or how about True Detective? I never heard anyone go, “Is it going to be Amy Adams or Gabrielle Union?” for that show. I didn’t hear one black girl’s name on those lists. Not one. Literally everyone in town was up for that part, unless you were black. And I haven’t read the script, but something tells me if Gabrielle Union were Colin Farrell’s wife, it wouldn’t change a thing. And there are almost no black women in film. You can go to whole movies and not see one black woman. They’ll throw a black guy a bone. OK, here’s a black guy. But is there a single black woman in Interstellar? Or Gone Girl? Birdman? The Purge? Neighbors? I’m not sure there are. I don’t remember them. I go to the movies almost every week, and I can go a month and not see a black woman having an actual speaking part in a movie. That’s the truth.

But there’s been progress. When I was on Saturday Night Live a few weeks ago, we did a sketch where I was Sasheer Zamata’s dad and she had an Internet show. Twenty years ago when I was on Saturday Night Live, anything with black people on the show had to deal with race, and that sketch we did didn’t have anything to do with race. That was the beauty: The sketch is funny because it’s funny, and that’s the progress. And there are black guys who are making it: Whatever Kevin Hart wants to do right now, he can do; I think Chiwetel is a really respected actor who is getting a lot of great shots just because he’s really good; if Steve McQueen wants to direct a Marvel movie, they would salivate to get him. Change just takes time. The Triborough Bridge has been the Robert F. Kennedy Bridge for almost 20 years now, but we still call it the Triborough Bridge. That’s how long it takes shit to change. We’re not going to be calling it the Robert F. Kennedy Bridge for another 10, 15 years. People will have to die for it actually to be the Robert F. Kennedy Bridge.

I don’t think the world expected things to change overnight because Obama got elected president. Of course it’s changed, though, it’s just changed with kids. And when you’re a kid, you’re not thinking of any of this shit. Black kids watch The Lord of the Rings and they want to be the Lord of the Rings. I remember when they were doing Starsky & Hutch, and my manager was like, “We might be able to get you the part of Huggy Bear,” which eventually went to Snoop Dogg. I was like: “Do you understand that when my brother and I watched Starsky & Hutch growing up, I would play Starsky and he would play Hutch? I don’t want to play f—ing Huggy Bear. This is not a historical drama. This is not Thomas Jefferson. It’s a movie based on a shitty TV show, it can be anybody. Who cares. If they want me to play Starsky or Hutch, or even the bad guy, I’m down. But Huggy Bear?”

I wouldn’t be here if I thought I couldn’t play those parts. I never limited myself. And that’s the beauty of Obama. It might be a generational thing, because the difference between Barack Obama and Jesse Jackson was that Jesse Jackson never actually ran for president. He ran to disrupt the presidency. If he actually ran for president, he probably could have been president. Jesse Jackson won a bunch of primaries in Southern states, but not for five seconds did he think he could be president, whereas Obama was like, “Yeah, I could be president,” and nobody stopped him. Literally, nobody stopped him.

—  Chris Rock’s superb essay on Hollywood’s race problem, from the Dec 12th issue of The Hollywood Reporter.