Hold it! Before you get to my throat, I’ll explain why:
The scene in ep 1 where Yuuri cries alone in the toilet really got to me….because I could relate to it so well. The way he behaved like an emotionless robot when he was outside with Celestino, the way he made the fake voice while talking to his mother on the phone, and the most heartbreaking of all was when he cried…
Here are the things which struck me the most :
1) Yuuri’s own mother didn’t realize exactly how upset Yuuri was……this leads me to believe Yuuri never allows himself to cry even in front of his closest family and friends….Sure he whines when teased by others or cries when he gets physically hurt, but actual full blown crying just to let out his feelings? I don’t think he’s ever done that
2)Yuuri was trying to hold back his voice……as far as Yuuri knew, there was no one in the washroom, he could have been louder if he wanted to…but the way he choked back on his voice makes me feel this isn’t the first time he has cried like this….silently, so that no one knows. How many times must he have cried into his pillow? Just to muffle his voice and hide his tears?
Yuuri has subconsciously conditioned himself that crying in front of others is wrong, showing his vulnerability, even when with his own family , is wrong…….and now, even if he wants to cry his heart out to someone…….he won’t…no, he can’t
He just can’t bring himself to do it….
And I’m saying all this as a person who goes through the same thing……I’m starting to open up…..just a bit, enough to trust two friends to not look at me weirdly when I have a silent cry……but to this day I haven’t found someone I can trust myself to simply bawl my heart out to without being judged or being told ‘don’t be such a crybaby’ or ‘don’t cry over something so silly’
So just once….just once, I want Yuuri to cry.
I want him to stop holding up that dam he has built up over these years and just let his emotions out. And it doesn’t have to be over something great like losing a tournament……. it can be something as stupid as falling on the ice exhausted…..when he’s just practising, alone in the Hasetsu castle’s ice rink…
And when the dam does burst, I want Viktor to be there for Yuuri.
I want Yuuri to be able to break past his conditioning and trust Viktor enough to cry as loudly and messy as he wants to.
And I want Viktor to simply plop down on the ice next to Yuuri, give him a shoulder to cry on, to gently run his fingers through his hair and wait for Yuuri to calm down and just tell him,