i think of crazy shit when i'm tired

Things I have said/heard in the hospital (part 1)
  • "________, don't swear!"
  • "That's a big needle."
  • "I see mud when I close my eyes."
  • "Why aren't you recording this?"
  • "It feels like you're squeezing my SOUL out the tip of my finger!"
  • "Fuck you, vertigo."
  • "Hail to the nub."
  • "*While laughing hysterically* I'm crying."
  • "What? You're a crayon?"
  • "If my hand wasn't broken I'd punch you."
  • "YOU'RE HOT."
  • "*Tired, unintelligible mumbling.*"
  • "That's nice."
  • "I'm sure this is the right way."
  • "It was not the right way."
  • "He's dead, my foot hurts."
  • "I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm crazy."
  • "I do weird things when I'm in pain!"
  • "The only edible thing here is the jell-o."
  • "That little pan won't hold anything, give me the garbage can."
  • "This shit's fucking amazing."
  • "I was sleeping on the waiting room's couch, I feel like death."
  • "I don't even know how I managed to do this, it just happened."
  • "I broke myself."
  • "*Sobbing* You're such a nice person."
  • "That's not going in me, is it?"

Sometimes it hits me in the face. That I might well be Bipolar or quite seriously depressive.

I think I need to spit it out here. Why not? Why not here? Why not tonight?
Why not write about a teenagehood full of scarifications, the heavy pain in my chest and my head when my mind goes down the abyss, the casual daily thoughts of imagining my own death, the 4 suicide attempts, the crazy days where I suddenly feel like everything is possible and the world is born for me, the self loathing, the megalomania, or the haze of being numb when all emotions shut off?
Now I could expend on the details, I could tell all of my life, but it wouldn’t change the fact that sometimes, my mind goes to strange shores.
It’s a daily work to be strong, not to give in.
Some days are tough.
And I’m probably stupid to face this without reaching out, so at least, I think it want to tell this to invisible strangers, the way one would sob it in a bar after too many drinks.

What I am trying to say, is that even if things aren’t always easy, I’m still here, and I will still stand up day after day to see new dawns.

This year was full of beauty and growth, things improved an incredible amount, and I’m gonna beat the shit out of life.