i think my heart's stopped beating

writer’s block
as the clock
ticks down the pattern
as the words toss and turn
cause i’ve grown accustomed to rhymes
being my friends during bad times,
when the nightmares they didn’t care
to take off the wall stare
at me from within the dust
outlines and i can’t trust
the shots to keep my eyes closed,
sanity decomposed,
whispers grow to shouts as the page fights back
against the panic attack,
past lines submerged ride bubbles of faces
to my surface
and the ink pops
as the beat drops
and my heart stops -
i think if i can grow
to show
that there’s other shades
besides their brushes and blades
then i’ll be more than the holes
in the wall, rusted nails for impulse control,
fist splinters beige as rage and ash hit
the carpet,
can’t help but succumb
to the urge to crack color and numb
the fading beat of tonight’s page -
breakdown to inquisition,
wide eyed instead of tunnel vision
cause we can finally see outside the length of the line i’d grown to believe was mine
since we were disproportionate in the worst way and i guess it’s better the letter’s late than never but that’s okay,
new rhythm
for some different wisdom,
wrist tapping on the table edge
as i wedge
the pen between my teeth
to find the ink beneath
the vein i’ve tapped dry,
don’t wanna stay afraid to finally give in and try,
been small too long
cowering from the echoes of the last song,
now that there’s no one left
to write about i’m my only subject,
and i’m terrified
to find the rhymes i hide,
that no one will listen
to confessions to a toilet base in the fetal position
as ink stains the bath mat
cause i had a nightmare of their face, nobody will wanna read that…
impossible to feel sympathy
through the stares of pity,
and maybe i’ve been egotistical
to misrepresent the logistical
truth of this, been talking of hope
and somewhat questionable ways to cope
but i ain’t climbing, ain’t falling,
my shadow and i are crawling,
hand prints from hardwood floor smacks,
condensation outline between our cracks,
bruised knees as the journey back to bed won’t be pretty,
but no matter how low, broken, or empty,
even if it’s not enough,
there’s always poetry when shit gets tough -
—  J.S.

- exorcise for exercise -

Gilmore Girls revival thoughts

What I loved:

    This needs to be shouted from the rooftops. I was so hoping this song would be featured in Luke and Lorelai’s wedding and when I heard the first note I started bawling like a baby and finally stopped crying about 3h later. The whole wedding really was perfect. I could hear my heart beating in my years, so happy (and sobbing) I was.

  2. Everything Richard.
    The funeral, the flashbacks, the portraits. It was such a great homage to Ed and to Grandpa Gilmore, I bawled my eyes out through the entire thing and I don’t think there’ll ever come a time when I watch Emily/Rory kiss his portrait and I won’t start crying. I get chocked up just thinking about it. It was beautiful. Just beautiful. So well done.

  3. The Lorelai & Emily’s storyline.
    It was simply perfect. Lauren and Kelly knocked it out of the park. The fight in the kitchen is going down in history. I particularly loved how Emily treats Lorelai before they start fighting in the living room, like she’s 6yo again.
    “Lorelai, not a single word.”
    “Don’t follow.”
    Just so freaking perfect. I loved it and it was so in character for both of them. It was perfect. And don’t get me started on the phone call in Fall because I’m too dehydrated to start crying again.

  4. Lauren breaking character.
    She did it in a number of scenes. Once with Sookie, twice with Rory, once in the scene with Richard’s smaller portrait. If Lauren Graham can’t keep it together how do you expect me to do that? Also, give the woman ALL THE FREAKING EMMYS NOW. It’s long overdue anyway. You owe her, Academys.

  5. Jess’ growth.
    He’s the only character who’s really shown some growth when he appears on screen, everyone else seems to be stuck in their life, like they can’t move forward, but Jess has got his shit together and even stirs Rory in the right direction, I was so proud of him.

  6. Every single Jess/Luke scene.
    Each and everyone of them. Milo and Scott are buddies in real life and you can totally see that on screen, they’re hilarious and a joy to watch.

  7. Paris. In all her glory.
    She’s still our old Paris and I couldn’t be more thankful for that. Liza got back into character so easily and she was absolutely brilliant. I laughed my socks off at her antics. The whole bathroom scene and the stairs conversation. Just hilarious. Loved it. Missed her.

  8. The Life and death brigade.
    Oh my God, that whole sequence was so cinematic, the director of photography and Amy nailed it there. Simply nailed it. I was in awe watching it. Really made me happy to see them all together again. I cried when Rory said goodbye to them. Yes, I cried even then. Leave me alone.

  9. “Still best friends”.
    Of course I cried through the whole thing like the little bitch that I am and I regret nothing. Seeing Lauren and Melissa unable to keep back tears…I was a mess. Beautiful. Well done. Thank you.

  10. Michel out of the closet.
    Need I say more?

  11. Emily and the help.
    I laughed so hard at that. Cannot actually believe Emily kept a maid for a whole entire year and even welcomed her family with open arms in her house. I’m so proud of you, grandma Gilmore.

  12. Cornstarch.
    Again, sobbed. I feel like ASP treated only Dean with some respect in this revival. He’s happy, got his own family and Rory was actually nice to him and the whole “you taught me what feeling safe is like” speech had me sobbing. Only people who had a great first love can relate to this, I guess. I’m glad they gave them that scene. They both deserved it.

  13. Luke and Paul Anka.
    Cried my eyes out. Loved it. Gimme a spin-off.

  14. Kirk’s second movie.
    That’s all.

  15. The swearing!
    Lorelai saying “Holy shit!” and Emily saying “Bullshit!” 3 TIMES IN THE SAME SCENE. Amen.

  16. The music!!!
    Wow. It was everything I could have asked for and more. Sam Phillips, Grant-Lee Phillips, Dolly Parton, Nancy Sinatra, the Carpenters. PERFECTION.

What I didn’t love (Oh boy, sit down and grab a drink):

  1. Rory.
    Just Rory in general. And not because she was 32 and rootless, living a vagabond life. I actually liked that she didn’t have her shit together and didn’t know in which direction to go. In this day and age it is very realistic and I’m glad Rory is not the perfect 16yo we first met in the show. But the the whole Logan affair that ultimately resulted in an illegitimate child was just not for me. I hated it. Not necessarily the pregnancy, just how we got there. Am I supposed to believe Rory Gilmore, my Rory Gilmore, would be fine being the other woman like that? There were never actual signs that she was in love with Logan or Logan with her, it felt more like they were comfortable being with each other and it was simply fun. They didn’t want for their thing to be anything more than it actually was. “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”. Logan made it clear he wouldn’t have left his fiancée for her, so she was settling for second best there. And hell no. Just no. It was a disservice to the character of Rory, really.
    And don’t even get me started on how she treated that poor Paul guy. What happened to you Rory?

  2. ASP (almost) total dismissal of S7.
    Hadn’t it been for the mention of Chris and Lorelai’s wedding, none of what happened in it was taken into consideration. None of it. Good or bad. And I get ASP didn’t want to acknowledge it, but it was a year worth of storylines completely ignored and I think it did more damages than good, ultimately.

  3. Logan.
    He’d grown up so much in S7 and now he’s back to the little snobby cheating careless kid we met in S5. He asked Rory to marry him, am I supposed to believe he’s totally cool now with having her as nothing more than his mistress? The guy was in love with the girl, if I were a sophies shipper I’d be livid right now.

  4. Jess’ conclusion or lack thereof.
    If you want me to believe Jess, who’s literally the only character who’s got his shit together in this revival, is still pining for Rory after more than a decade, then I’m gonna need some follow through, some more intel at the very least.
    Otherwise, just keep it to yourself ASP. Please and thank you.

  5. Scott and Lauren’s chemistry.
    That’s the thing that probably hurt the most, aside from Rory.
    WHERE HAS THAT CHEMISTRY GONE? If we don’t count every scene in Fall and a couple more here and there, they’ve completely lost their sparkle and it made my heart ache. Some scenes were unbearable to watch because you could definitely tell something was missing there. Some scenes were great and it felt like no time had passed at all, but some others were painful to watch. Just painful.

  6. The whole Luke and Lorelai pre-fall story line.
    No bueno. So they’ve spent 9 years together with zero progress in their relationship and dealing with the same communication issues they’ve always dealt with? You’re telling me that after a whopping 11 years in total of relationship these two still make the same mistakes over and over? Well, THAT is disappointing.
    Didn’t they learn anything from the past? At all?
    Everything Emily says to Lorelai about Luke was SPOT ON, as much as it pains me to admit it. And you can definitely tell Luke would do anything to make her happy, he even says so himself at the end, but when will Lorelai do something for him?
    The whole baby talk/surrogacy thing drove me up the wall. So he wanted a child, never brought it up, she wanted him to have a child - their child,  never brought it up either. Now they’re 50 and childless. Great. Just fucking great.
    I mean…ASP should have given them that kid. They just should have opened the revival with a 8yo Gilmore-Danes kid running around and if Amy didn’t want them to have one, then fine, I can respect that, just spare me the whole “ooops, too little too late” thing because it broke my heart into a thousand pieces. I’m a nice person, I didn’t deserve that.

  7. The way Rory mourned Richard’s death.
    Did she mourn at all? Okay, except for the scene when she goes into Richard’s office and that one scene when she kisses the portrait, she seemed a bit unfazed by the passing of her beloved grandfather. Rory loved him to pieces and he loved her just as much and, maybe it was Alexis’ fault and not the Amy’s writing, but it just felt like Emily and Lorelai were having so much more of a hard time adjusting to life without Richard than Rory was. Made me really sad.


  9. Christopher’s existence.
    I did appreciate the fact that Amy officially patented him as an asshole though. That was nice. “It was supposed to happen that way,” oh give me a break! You weren’t there to raise Rory because you didn’t want to be there, not because it was supposed to happen. You were a joke of a father by your own choice. Shut up.

  10. April.
    As much as I was dreading seeing her, I knew we had to see her at some point, so I prepared myself. One would have thought the girl would have had more screen time and at least showed up for her father’s wedding. But I laughed my ass off at that scene at the dinner table, so she was good for something at least.

  11. The cameos (especially Peter Krause’s).
    Too many of them, didn’t really need them. Also, the whole Lorelai/ranger talk made me cringe, I get that they’re together in real life, but Lorelai was full on flirting with him and it was so inappropriate and as a java junkie shipper made me vomit a little in my mouth. Could have done without.

  12. Amy Sherman - Palladino’s stubbornness.
    Last but not least, I think what bothered me the most was exactly this. Don’t get me wrong: her show her rules.
    I learned that lesson the hard way in Partings already. If she wants to piss fans off she will and she wont even think about it twice. I respect that kind of integrity and I wouldn’t want her to refrain from exploring this world she created the way she wants to, just because she’s scared of making fans unhappy. You can’t please everybody, some people will always be unsatisfied and that’s okay. That’s life, no harm no foul.
    What I really don’t get is why she had to ignore completely season 7 and also make it feel like no time has passed at all in Stars Hollow. Let’s take Richard’s death aside for a moment, what the hell has happened in those 9 years for our girls? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Many characters are in a stalemate. Lorelai didn’t get married to Luke, didn’t have any more children, didn’t do much at or with the Dragonfly, she’s exactly where we left her. Rory is jobless, homeless, still trying to figure out what to do with her life, 9 years later. Luke is the same old same old, which is in character but also…what the hell? Did time stop there? Hadn’t it been for Ed’s death - may he rest in peace - Amy would have had 0 ideas for a revival. What would have moved the plot ahead? I’m not sure she had this grand vision of how the show was supposed to end, after all.
    Also, I’m glad she stuck to her own ending and to the infamous “last 4 words” - again, I appreciate the artistic integrity - but it was a bit out of place here, in this context at least. So, correct me if I’m wrong, Rory is Lorelai 2.0? I spent 16 years watching this show, only to see the daughter make the same exact mistakes her mother did? And can we call a child “a mistake” even when the mother is a Yale graduate world traveler 32 year old? I don’t think so.
    It didn’t come full circle, not in the way it was intended to when Amy first thought of the last 4 words.
    Also, side note, those 4 words? Predictable as fuck. Just saying.

All in all, I loved going back to Stars Hollow. It was like coming back home after a long time. It comforted me, it made me laugh and it made me cry far too much, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Stars Hollow is home and always will be.

Was A Year In The Life perfect? No.
Was it everything I wanted it to be and more? Probably not.

But that is not what this show is about or was ever about.

If there is anything Amy Sherman-Palladino and this show have taught me is that life is not perfect, that I am allowed to make mistakes and screw up from time to time, that things don’t always go the way we planned and that’s okay.

So no the show didn’t live up to my unrealistic expectations, but then again neither does life. We take the good and deal with the bad the best we can.
So I’ll take the good, because there was SO much of it, it really outnumbered the stuff I didn’t love anyway. I enjoyed every single minute of those 6 hours and that’s what matters the most.

I never thought I’d get the chance to go back to Stars Hollow again. Ever. This was a gift, a blessing truly, and I am forever grateful to each and every person that has made this possible.

And now, let the third rewatch begin…

I smell snow… ❄

the-universes-best-dressed  asked:

for a prompt! santa monica by everclear

Nice, get some everclear in the mix! Thanks for the prompt :) 

“Look,” I say, “it’s not you, it’s me. I think I’m just heading in a different direction right now. I can’t let our relationship hold me back anymore.”

Light, fastest man on Earth, superhero extraordinaire, stops struggling against his bonds to stare at me. “Did you kidnap me to…break up with me?”

My heart skips a beat. “No! I mean, we’re not even, like, dating so I’m not. Obviously.” I adjust my rubber gloves nervously, tucking my lab coat more securely into them. “Just, um, letting you know that you don’t need to save the day anymore. From me at least.” I laugh and stop abruptly, face flushing. My laugh is off putting, so I hear.

Light speed kicks the chair I’ve tied him to and grimaces when it doesn’t break.

“It’s titanium,” I say, shoving my hands into my coat’s pockets. “I’ll let you go, just wanted to tell you goodbye, I guess. We, uh, probably won’t be seeing each other again.”

“Are you dying?” he asks, strangely alarmed. He lowers his voice. “Or is someone threatening you?” His eyes narrow. “Is it Technomaniac? Because he’s from Texas, this isn’t even his turf, I can contact the heroes down there to come get him–”

“I’m not being threatened,” I blurt out. He’d kick another villain out of LA for me? Why? “I just, it’s time for me to move on, that’s all. I, well…”

“You are dying,” Light says, face horrified. “Oh my god, and I threw you through that window last week!”

“I’m not dying!” I throw my hands up in the air. “I’m quitting being a villain!”

The words ring in the empty lab. All of my equipment has already been disposed of, the experiments, everything. I’m ready for a new start, totally and completely.

“You’re…quitting.” Light seems unable to comprehend it. “Like, quitting quitting? Or taking a break? Or maybe you mean rebranding, I hear that’s popular these days–”

Keep reading

I woke up this morning, still a little drunk and half asleep,
Because I needed to use the bathroom.

And as I opened my door, I noticed the sun was rising,
And the loft in my house was filled with the golden rays of sunlight.
Everything kinda just stopped for a few seconds.

All I could hear was my breathing
And all I could feel was my heart beating in my chest.

I felt at peace — sleepy silence and a sunrise
Makes for good medicine.

I didn’t have to try to be okay,
I just was.

Then that 16 seconds of bliss ended,
And I think I started to heal.

I didn’t feel the doom of heartbreak,
I just felt alive;

And it was lovely.
—  sleepy silence and sunrise, Letters to Gordie
Here’s a list of some Christmas YoonMin stories no one asked for but everyone should read.
Calling all those who have experienced abuse in any form (trigger warnings apply)

I had an idea for a series of images featuring lines that explain an individuals experience.
E.g. I heard a friend say “I learned to take the beatings” and it really struck a chord with me.
“He killed me without ever stopping my heart” would probably be mine.
So if you’ve been through the horrors of abuse, and you want to share your story, or even just enough of it to make up a sentence, please, tell me.
I think there’s still a lot of stigma around the survivors of abuse.
I want to try and change it.
Even just a little.

anonymous asked:

When the BONCA's happened and Phil said "I spent the majority of 2016 with another person" my heart stopped beating and even tho I internally knew it was unlikely I screamed "PROPOSAL"

haha remember when we all thought he would say “i’ve spent the majority of 2016 with another person and i think its only fair that i ask to spend the rest of my life with him”

I can't stop thinking about Lito being out/coming out with Hernando next season...
  • Interviewer: So...this is your...boyfriend?
  • Lito: Boyfriend? No! He is the love of my life. My better half. My soulmate. The air I breathe. My heart beats within his chest. My eyes see only him.
  • Interveiwer: ...
  • Hernando: I'm his partner. Yes.

…I can’t see a thing because my eyes are closed. All I care about the cosmos is happening here on this roof. I think how to respond so his hand stays on that lever, so he remains this close to me, so close I can feel his breathing on the back of my neck. If I say yes, he’ll probably step backward. If I say no, maybe he’ll adjust the telescope again and we can stay like this a minute longer. “I don’t think I see them,” I say, my voice rough, unsteady. This was the right answer, because he says, “Okay, here,” and he does something that brings not only the stars but him a breath closer. 

My heart stops beating.

Beca, how can you just stand there and say that no one wants you? How dare you! If this is your way of saying that you’re not beautiful enough, or not worthy enough, of someone else’s love… well… I’m going to need you to shut up! I want you to look into my eyes and listen to my words very carefully, okay? You are beautiful. You are so beautiful that even just by looking at you, my heart doesn’t know whether to stop beating altogether or just flutter away. Music pumps through your veins the way blood pumps through everyone else’s; you feel with music the way everyone else feels with words. It’s been hard for me, these last four years. Whether it was watching you stumble through your relationship with Jesse or listening to your worries about a future with him… and yet, at the end of each day, you’d find your way back into my arms. It’s taken me a long time to build up the courage, so I’m just going to come out and say it… I love you, Beca Mitchell. I love you so much.

Via Chloe Beale (PP3)

Chloe couldn’t hold the words back.


BOOKS MEME | (5/9) nine otps.
Feyre Archeron and Rhysand from A court of thorns and roses by Sarah J. Maas.

My heart stumbled a beat. I didn’t know what to do with my arms, my legs, my face. I gulped down the rest of my wine and discarded the glass beside the bed, steeling my spine as I said, “I’m thinking that I can’t stop thinking about you. And that it’s been that way for a long while. Even before I left the Spring Court. And maybe that makes me a traitorous, lying piece of trash, but—
It doesn’t,” he said, his face solemn.

  • Chuuya: Why does everyone think I am fond of Dazai? I hate him!
  • Atsushi: Is that so?
  • Chuuya: Obviously! I hate the way my heart skips a beat when he smiles. I hate the way I want the time to stop when we're together. I hate it when he is paying attention to anyone other than me. I hate him so much for the butterflies in my stomach when he is nearby-.. [continuous rambling with rage]
  • Atsushi: Should I be happy to finally find someone more clueless than me?
  • Izaya: Why does everyone think I am fond of Shizu-chan? I hate him!
  • Mikado: Is that so?
  • Izaya: Obviously! I hate the way my heart skips a beat when he smiles. I hate the way I want the time to stop when we're together. I hate it when he is paying attention to anyone other than me. I hate him so much for the butterflies in my stomach when he is nearby-.. [continuous rambling with rage]
  • Mikado: Should I be happy to finally find someone more clueless than me?
The first time I failed out of Suicide High I was 12 years old. I never did pay attention in class, maybe if I had, I would have known I needed to take more than fifty advil to stop my beating heart.
As much as I dreamed about it, I could never graduate and have a beautiful casket to show for it. The ropes are always too short, the blood clots just when I think I’ve gotten it right this time and the pills…Well, there never are enough. This year I will graduate. This year I will work my ass off to get to the ceremony six feet under the ground.
—  Graduation pt 2 (aborderlinesuicide)

John Laurens x Alexander Hamilton
Words: 706

sometimes i really like myself because i write things and forget to post them. go me. honestly i’m one of the laziest people ever and i’m lowkey glad i didn’t have to write anything new oopssss.

but moving on, i’ve been writing a lot of lams lately. mainly because my friend keeps making me soft. i’m considering writing a lams fic buuuuuut idk. would you guys read it?

i think that’s all i had to say. my hand hurts so i’m going to finish up here. requests are open as usual amazing people!

btw if you guys want me to stop writing lams then tell me honestly if this is annoying then let me know

that is all xx



Alexander Hamilton had been writing letters to his dear friend, John Laurens, since the end of the war. The letters went back and forth for weeks on end, and for a while Alexander believed that he was in love. His heart would beat at a rapid pace whenever Eliza informed him a letter had arrived. He felt it speed up as he read John’s cursive hand writing, his fingers tracing over the words his best friend had crafted.

It was always something new, something that would make Alexander’s heart flip itself over a million times. His stories, especially the ones about his battles always electrified him. He missed it. But most all he missed being by John’s side. The letters weren’t always enough to express his sentiments towards the man.

Alexander had tried his hardest to keep his love for John inside, but every time his quill hit the paper, the words spilled out. His heart knew that John was the love of his life, but his brain knew that Elizabeth Schuyler, his wife, would be heartbroken if he were to leave her. He couldn’t bring that upon her.

So Alexander continued to hide his feelings in the multiple discarded letters, until one day he made a mistake. The letter he had mean to throw away had ended up in an envelope and on its way to South Carolina, where it would later be held in the soft hands of John Laurens.

Alexander had never panicked about the words that spilled from his heart before, but this was different. A part of him had thought letting the secret slip was the perfect way to begin his letter. The secret of his passion, the way he wanted to hold the curly haired man and how he wanted to push their lips together.

It was a while before Alexander heard back from John after that.

Alexander had been waiting for weeks for a response. Inside, he was heartbroken. He knew that John had become noticeably busier, but he had never been too busy to respond to one of Alexander’s letters.

Late one night, Alexander sat in his office, anxiously finishing his work. His health had slowly declined as he worried more and more about the possibility of John Laurens’ hatred for him. He had known it would be a long shot, but he didn’t expect John to ignore him like this. Had he lost his best friend?

A soft knock at the door interrupted Alexander’s thoughts. Eliza opened the door slowly, giving Alexander a small smile. “Alexander, there’s a letter for you from South Carolina.”

He took a deep breath, trying to hide his excitement. A strike of venom overtook his heart as he thought about John’s lack of replies. He shook his head, shrugging. “It’s from John Laurens… I’ll read it later,” he stated, turning back to his work.

Eliza bit her lip slightly, frowning as she read over the envelope. “No, it’s not,” She responded quietly.

Alexander’s breath hitched. He turned from his work, looking up at Eliza. “Will you read it?” He asked, staring at the letter.

He adjusted his glasses, frowning when he saw the name of John’s father, Henry Laurens, printed clearly on the envelope. He had heard John’s thoughts on his father over and over. He could recite John’s opinions off by heart if he were given the chance.

Eliza took Alexander’s letter opener from his desk, slicing the envelope open and taking a seat next to him. “On Tuesday the 27th, Lieutenant Colonel John Laurens was killed in a gun fight against British troops in South Carolina…”

Alexander froze. The fluttery feeling in his stomach that he usually received from John’s letters had been replaced with a cold, dark emptiness. Tears began to slowly drip from his eyes as Eliza continued to read. He tried to listen, he tried to concentrate, but as his heart slowly broke, all he could think of was John Laurens beautiful eyes watching over him.

Eliza placed a gentle hand on Alexander’s shoulder, tracing circles with her thumb. “Alexander, are you alright?” She asked quietly.

Alexander tensed. He turned his chair, picking up his quill and wiping his eyes. “I-I have so much work to do.”

Story time.
I’m 6 years old.
I’m riding to school with my mom.
We’re laughing and talking and I am young and innocent and dreaming about the future.
And I don’t remember what we were talking about.  It doesn’t really matter.
What I do remember is her saying,
“The boy or girl you marry better treat you right”
She said it without pausing to stop or think.
The words came out of her mouth without hesitation and she kept talking like it was the most natural thing in the world.
My 6 year old brain was confused.
How could I possibly marry a girl?
I was raised in a society where the very idea of it was unthinkable.
But here I was.
And my mom was saying “the boy or girl you marry”.
And I didn’t understand it at the time.
But I do now.
Because something changed.
I looked at the pretty new girl and my heart skipped a beat and my palms got sweaty and I couldn’t think.
Then I kissed a girl for the first time and it finally made sense why I had never had a crush on the cute boys in class.
And slowly, all the pieces started to fall into place and it made sense. Then when it finally hit me, when I figured it out,
The first thing I thought of was my mom’s words in the car that day.
And I knew I would be accepted, with open arms and a loving embrace.
I knew I had nothing to fear, nothing to be ashamed of.
And I will forever be grateful to her for that.
—  f.a.w