i think it would make me just feel like more of a failure

anonymous asked:

i don't have a resolutions cause i never achieve them whenever i have them i just feel like im setting myself up for failure.

I’ve been thinking a lot about something my uncle told me on new year’s eve. He said he doesn’t really make new year’s resolutions. Instead, he reflects on the year that’s ending, thinking about what worked for him and what didn’t. This is what I’m trying to do now. I know that setting up goals like “I’m finally going to learn to drive” or “I’m going to stop leaving all homework for the last minute” will eventually lead to disappointment. Instead I’m thinking, for example: “I spent so much time on tumblr that I barely had time for homework and didn’t really read anything, so this year I want to be less on tumblr, try to focus on homework and read more.” Maybe you could try something like this? Think about what you did last year and how that turned out, and what you want to do more of (or less of). And above all, be patient with yourself.

I always seem to be overflowing with guilt, the apology constantly on my lips, permanently torn between disgust my pride feels towards that weakness, and fear that if I make the smallest mistake I’ll never be forgiven.
I’m scared of not being perfect, of not saying the right words, even if their fake sound makes me sick to my stomach.
It tires me, to always feel like a failure on the edge of a fuck up that will drive everyone out of my life forever.
Who would want to waste their time for someone who’s so clumsy and awkward with her words and actions? Someone who stutters, gets nervous, and acts more on her feelings than cold thought?
So I’m bending, breaking, and reshaping, to be the best version of myself because I’m collapsing under the heavy weight of expectations.
The best version, but is it the real version? Or just someone I project according to what I think I should become?
Who would’ve thought that it only leads to a permanent feeling of not being good enough, fueled by people so accustomed to my obsessive need of pleasing everyone, that they can’t and won’t accept, not even understand, why I fall down sometimes.

I’m so terrified of losing everyone that I didn’t notice I had already lost myself.

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  1. Since this is a follower giveaway, you have to be following me. Sorry, kids, I don’t make the rules. Actually, yes I do
  2. Like, you don’t have to follow me after the giveaway is done, but it would hurt my feelings if you left. I’m really very fragile
  3. No giveaway blogs, although like. I don’t think any of the prizes are things you would want to give to someone else.
  4. Giveaway ends at 11:59PM EST on May 7, 2016


There’s no real order or hierarchy to these prizes (as in, no grand prize, or first-second-third etc.) I’ll just draw for them in a random order and let you know what you got.

  1. A 1000 word fic of your choosing! No ships are off limits! I’ll even write my notps, just for you, because I love you. I just have a few limits of what I’m comfortable with, but smut is definitely on the table because I am a sinner mc sinface. My only requirement is that if you want it to be good, make it a fandom I’m familiar with.
  2. A cover of a song of your choosing, with guitar accompaniment! Want a theme song from a cartoon? One of the bard songs from Dragon Age? Just me screeching into a microphone for 3 minutes? I am willing to embarrass myself just for you. Again, because I love you.
  3. Podfic of your choosing! Have a fic you’ve been dying to hear read out loud? I’m your girl. I might even drag in some friends to help, who knows. I only ask that if it’s a multichapter fic, you pick one chapter. Hell, I’ll read My Immortal using my best impression of Cassandra Pentaghast, I don’t give a fuck. (I also have to get permission from the author, but I’ll let you know if I can’t. Unless you’re the author. Or I’m the author. Idk.)
  4. A letter of encouragement from your favorite character! Feeling down lately? Need something to read when you are? I’ll write you a personalized letter of encouragement from your fave. (entirely digital, just to make things easier, but you’ll get a document and a tumblr post.)
  5. Tarot readings! That’s right, kids, for the first time ever on hawkeabelas dot tumblr dot com, I’ll be doing two free tarot readings, with one of two decks of your choosing. You’ll get a description of the reading, pictures of the spread, and some wonderful insight from yours truly.

That’s it! Remember to reblog this post (and link to your reblogs on the widget) for extra entries! 

Also, make sure to either track the tag #1700hwbgiveaway or check out the Giveaway link on my blog for news and updates! Good luck!