i think it would be cool if he did that on the meteor

history of the entire world, i guess; a transcript

hi. you’re on a rock, floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it, actually most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you. how did this happen? a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why its been everywhere. it’s been so everywhere, you don’t need a “where”. you don’t even need a “when”. that’s how “every” it gets. (pause). forget this. i wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start. and that’s exactly where it started. (background noise) woah. i… paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing, in a place. don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet. it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. (about no seconds later). great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three called a “proton” or a “neutron”. and there’s something else flying around too that wants to join in but can’t cause it’s still to (HOT). (about ten minutes later). great news! the protons and the neutrons are now happily married to each other (some of them even doubled up). (about 380,000 years later). great news, the electrons have now joined in. congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together. it’s a staaaar. new shit just got made. some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into even crazier space dust. so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks, and it kinda made a mess. which is now the moon. weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside them and now there’s Hot Steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava. weather update: its raining. severe flooding alert: the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert: that’s land. there’slifeintheocean. what? something’s alive in the ocean. oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no. a microscopic speck! it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup which is being served hot and fresh made from gnarly space ingredients leftover from when it was raining rocks or whatever. oh yeah, and it can do that. it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight. using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun. side effect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue. then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while, maybe even a coupla times. it’s a sponge, it’s a plant, it’s a worm and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it’s the Cambrian explosion. “wow, that’s animals and stuff.” but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NoO. why? the sun is a deadly lazer. oh okay. not anymore there’s a blanket. now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land! “nope, can’t walk yet. and there’s no food yet so i don’t care.” (100 million years later) ok, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here? “maybe,” said some bugs, and fish. “uh. uh. uh.” (five million years later) “ok so i can go on land but i have to go back in the water to have babies.” (idea) learn to use an egg. “i was already doing that.” use a stronger egg, and put water in it, have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg, baby, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean. aaand now everything is huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. ah fuck, now everything’s dead. just kidding here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one because its about to become the dinosaurs. here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. and the dinosaurs are gone. its mammal time! here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they’re gonna dominate the world, and one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like ‘that’. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make… pointed rocks. “ouch.” and set things on fire. “yeouch.” and make crazy sounds with their voice (“gneurshk.”) which can mean different things. that’s a human person. and now they’re everywhere, almost. ice age. what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore. i guess we’re stuck here now.

let’s review. there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food. fuck it, time to plant some grass. look at this, i control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next. more food, and more people who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in, and people to make the houses. and now there’s more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come. and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people. and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power. sociiiety. coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing bronze, made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land. i don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what - egypt. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also, china. and did i mention indusrivervalleycivilization. norte chico. the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it’s in the middle of the east. knock knock- er, clop clop, it’s the people with the horses? and they made an empire! and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks, or a beta version of the greeks. let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization. they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china. new arrivals in india. maybe it’s thosehorsepeopleiwastalkingabout or theircousinsorsomething. and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff. you could make a religion out of this. there’s the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business. also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in god. just one though, he’s got like a ten step program. here’s some huge heads, must be the olmec. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. nevermind it’s the babylonian- median- it’s the persian empire. “wow, that’s big.” ah, the buddha was just enlightened! who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea, he was…great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it’s chandragupta, he says, “get the hell out of here, will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? ok thanks bye; time to conquer all of india- or most of india”. but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve got spices. who would like to buy the spices? “me,” said the arabians, swiftly buying them and selling them to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again with good morals as their main philosophy. actually they have three main philosophies. out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload! “bye,” said the parthians, “bye,” said the jews. “hi,” said the parthians, taking over the entire place. “heyyyyyyyy,” said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. “hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular, and then gets arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china! they just made a brand new road to the world…or you can get there on water. “sick, new trade routes,” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again. “remember the persian empire? yup,” said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together. china is whole again…then it broke again. still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels. “hell yeah, now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves. “hi i live in the roman empire and i was wondering, is loving jesus legal yet?” “no” “actually ok sure,” said constantine, moving the capitol way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall. it’s the golden age of india. there’s the gupta empire. not chandragupta, just gupta, first name chandra, the first. guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. or actually, just half is just fine. but it’s not in rome anymore so let’s give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the staaars. oh, and here’s a huge city, population everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together. how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear, so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods, and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this. and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors. here’s all the wisdom, in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom, just in time for the islamic golden age. “let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise, you’re the new roman emperor,” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france. the northerners, or just norse if you don’t have that much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north, and they find some land. two types of land, and they name them accordingly. they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as vikings. there’s the rus, the kievan rus. are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. ok, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire, the holy roman empire. it’s actually germany but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms! christianizeallthekingdoms. which brand would you like? “mine’s better,” “mine’s better,” “mine’s better”. “time to conquer england,” said william. it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the seljuk turks. “ahh!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small it almost doesn’t exist anymore, “we need help!” they need help, so they call the pope. “hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you wanna take back the holy land.” “yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.” crusade. they did many crusades, some of which almost didn’t fail, but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs, goodbye toltecs, hello mississippi. look at those mounds. there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who’s here? khmer. where? here, and pagan is there, and vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis. i bet that will last a long time! some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time. i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold. look at this chad (means lake), there’s an empire there, right in the middle of africa. the king of mali is so rich he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said. the christians are doing a great job of conquering iberia which will soon be called spain and not spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you are still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming. china’s back, yay. hey khmer, time to share, new kingdoms here and there. oh look who controls all the islands, its the mahajapit. majahapit, mapajahit, mahapajit, mapajahit, majapahit? oh, italy’s really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth. here’s a printer, lets make books. so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? “yep,” said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. whoops, you missed a spot; don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. “what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless. well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india. “wait,” said christopher colombus, probably smoking crack, “if the world is round, lets go this way to india!” “nah, don’t worry we already got this,” said portugal. so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to go find india by going around back of the world?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.” “please?” “ok.” so he sails into the ocean, and discovers more ocean, and then discovers ‘the indies’ and ‘japan’. let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other. move over lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let’s make it the other kind of islam, the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy. hey christians, do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell. “that’s bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that’s a scam, fuck the church, here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. “you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman, wearing an onion hat, “what if the ottoman empire was really big, which it is now.”  “what if russia was big,” said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade, and then that dream was real. and spain realised that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” question one: can you get to india through north america? no, but at least there’s beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question but the dutch did it anyway. sugar. guess where all the sugar’s made? in brazil. stolen! in the carribean, and it’s so goddamn profitable you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world, more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did, it’s britain. guess who’s broke? also britain. so they start taxing the hell out of america.

“fuck you,” says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it. france helps them win, now france is broke. and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? “let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a reli- no don’t. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?” wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back. luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin america wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains, and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. “hey china,” said britain, “buy stuff from us.” “nah, dude we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked actually, but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy-fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afganistan. also the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now, that’s just where he lives. india had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before. technology is about to go crazy. the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. “it’s bad,” they decided. and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land, and maybe kick out the mexicans too. “i know, let’s rape africa,” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia.  britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand. the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more. hawaii. cuba. wait spain controls cuba. “well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on them? let’s blame the maine on spain!” so they blame the maine on spain. now we’re in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go. china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns. it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany. russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government. now everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism, in the soviet union. the arabs revolt, and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind. “let’s cut the cake,” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire. except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey. and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. hello? yes, it’s the 1920s calling. let’s get in a car and drive to a party and listen to the jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy’s great and it’ll probably be great forever. just kidding. germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model. he’s mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all the jews is a bad idea, but he kills himself before they could explain it to him. that’s world war two. bonus round: pacific showdown, united states versus japan. fight! finish him. let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace. seems legit. “hi i’m gandhi and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india i’m going to starve myself in public. wow, that worked?” bonus: now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans. one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me”, they both said at the same time. “let’s divide up the land so everyone’s happy.” sike! they both get angrier. look out china, there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! “no thanks,” said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china. there’s the korean war, korea versus korea, nobody wins, then it’s on pause forever. let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. fight! wait no that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. “i’ll race you to space. now let’s make some more countries fight themselves.” europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map, with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let’s check the world population. woah. okay. technology’s better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money; except britain because they don’t feel like it. let’s check the mail. surprise! it’s on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america, i bet they’ll remember that. phone call, surprise, it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise, it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket. whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to. surprise, flying robots! with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic. “let’s save the planet,” said everybody, not knowing how. “let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we?

psychic: reads my mind
me: hi, you’re on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it. actually, most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
a long time ago… actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why it’s been everywhere. it’s been so “everywhere,” you don’t need a “where.” you don’t even need a “when.” that’s how “every” it gets.
forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start.
and that’s exactly where it started.
big bang— pause
woah. i paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing! in a place! don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet! it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.
about no seconds later
great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a “proton” and a “neutron.” and there’s something else flying around that wants to join in, but can’t cause it’s too HOT.
ten minutes later
great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up.
about 380,000 years later
great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now… a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together…
ten million years later
and it’s getting closer together…
500 million years later
and it’s getting closer togeth—
star is born
it’s a star
new shit just got made!
some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit.
space dust!
which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust!
so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example.
meteor hits earth
holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of… made a mess. which is now the moon
weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space.
weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside of them and now there’s hot steam in the sky.
weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava.
weather update… it’s raining.
severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean.
volcano alert.
that’s land!
there'slifeintheocean
what?
something’s alive in the ocean
oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
microscopic speck asexually reproduces
oh yeah, and it can do that.
reproduces three more times
it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say.
tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
now you can eat sunlight!
using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food.
taste the sun!
side effect, now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue.
then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times.
it’s a sponge… it’s a plant… it’s a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.
it’s the Cambrian explosion: “wow, that’s animals and stuff”
but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land?
NO
why?
the sun is a deadly laser
oh okay.
not anymore, there’s a blanket
now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land!
“nope, can’t walk yet.”
“and there’s no food yet, so i don’t care.”
100 million years later
okay, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here?
“maybe,” said some bugs. and fish.
fish gasps for air
five million years later
okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies!
idea: learn to use an egg.
“i was already doing that”
use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.
works for me. bye bye ocean
50 million years later
and now everything’s huge. including bugs.
wanna see a map of the land? sure.
Permian extinction
oh, fuck, now everything’s dead.
just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it’s about to become
75 million years later
the dinosaurs.
here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor.
meteor strikes
and the dinosaurs are gone
it’s mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts.
now they’re gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
“ouch”
and set things on fire.
“yeouch”
and make crazy sounds with their voice:
“gneurshk”
which can mean different things.
that’s a human person!
and now they’re everywhere. almost.
ice age!
what? you can walk over here? cool.
not anymore
well i guess we’re stuck here now.
let’s review: there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food.
fuck it. time to plant some grass.
look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food.
this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this.
tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground.
better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping.
guess what happens next?
more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there’s more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power,
Society
coming soon to a dank river valley near you.
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?
tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what?
egypt
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also,
china
and did i mention
indus river valley civilization
society count: 5

norte chico
the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it’s in the middle of the east.
knock knock, er, clop clop. it’s the… people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses.
greeks!
ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks.
let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization: they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china.
new arrivals from india… maybe it’s those horse people i was talking about… or their cousins or something…
and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff…
you could make a religion out of this.
there’s the bronze age collapse.
now the phoenicians can get down to business
also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks.
look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel.
and they believe in God
just one though, and he’s got like a ten-step program.
here’s some huge heads. must be the olmecs.
the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.
here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it’s the babyloni— media—
it’s the Persian Empire: “wow, that’s big”
enlightenment
ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this.
oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
enlightenment
ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.
and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea. he was… great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
knock knock, it’s chandragupta. he says “get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye”
time to conquer all of india
er
most of india
but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve gotspices!
who would like to buy the spices? “me!” said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.
hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies:
confucianism: have good morals
taoism: go with the flow
legalism: fuck you, obey the law
out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.
nomads ransack china
let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload.bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.
heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.
“hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this.
want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world.
conquers vietnam
or you can get there on water
“sick! new trade routes!” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.
hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom.
there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again.
remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one.
axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick.
has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together.
china is whole again…
…then it broke again
still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels.
“hell yeah! now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves.
“hi, i’m a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering
is loving jesus legal yet?”
“no”
“actually, okay sure,” said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall.
it’s the golden age of india
there’s the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first.
guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it’s not in rome anymore, so let’s give it a new name.
the mayans have figured out the stars
oh, and here’s a huge city, population: everyone.
the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks.
how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together.
how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them.
korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.
intermission
deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well.
the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors.
here’s all the wisdom. in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age!
“let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast.
remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now.
wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise! you’re the new roman emporer!” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france.
the northerners, er, just “norse” if you don’t have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly.
prankd
they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as “vikings.”
there’s the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough.
the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it’s actually germany, but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms—
CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!!
which brand would you like?
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“time to conquer england,” said william.
it’s a bird! it’s a plane! it’s the seljuk turks!
“aah!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small and almost doesn’t exist anymore. “we need help!” they need help! so they call the pope.
“hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.”
“yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.”
crusade!
they did many crusades. some of which almost didn’t fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.
goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds.
there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.
guess who’s here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.
china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time.
some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.
is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time.
i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold.
look at this chad! it means “lake.” there’s an empire there! right in the middle of africa!
the king of mali is so rich, he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said.
the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you’re still christian when you least expect.
whoops, half of europe just died.
ming! china’s back, yay!
hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there.
oh, look who controls all of the islands. it’s the mahajapit.
majahapit.
mapajahit.
mahapajit.
mapajahit.
ma-ja-pa-hit?
oh, italy’s real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth.
here’s a printer. let’s make books!
so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.
“what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless.
“well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india”
“wait!” said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. “if the world is round, let’s go this way to india.”
“nah, don’t worry, we already got this,” said portugal.
so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?”
“no”
“please?”
“no”
“please?”
“wtf”
“no”
“please?”
“…okay”
so he sails into the ocean, and discovers… more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.
the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent.
the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other.
move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again.
move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again.
let’s make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy.
hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell!
“that’s bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that’s a scam. fuck the church. here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.
“you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman wearing an onion hat. “what if the ottoman empire was… really big?” which it is now.
“what if russia was big?” said ivan, trying not to be terrible.
portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real.
and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.”
question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there’s beaver.
question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.
and sugar… guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it’s so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery.
the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger.
britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did! it’s britain.
guess who’s broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. “fuck you!” says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent.
wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?
“let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.
you could make a rel— no, don’t.
haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?”
wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back!luckily, they banished him to another island.
there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.
britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.
“hey, china!” said britain. “buy stuff from us!” “nah, dude, we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island.
britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan.
also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now:“that’s just where he lives.”
india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before.
incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE
technology is about to go crazy!
the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it’s bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.
“i know! let’s rape africa!” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia…
britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand…
the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more:
hawaii!
cuba!
wait, spain controls cuba.
well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain?
u.s.s. maine sinks
“let’s blame the maine on spain.”
so they blame the maine on spain.
now we’re in business.
to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.
britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go…
china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government.
europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany.
russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union…
the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind.
“let’s cut the cake!” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire.
except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey!
and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do.
phone rings
hello? yes, it’s the 1920’s calling. let’s get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding.
germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he’s mad at the jews for existing.
japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it.
hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that’s world war two!
bonus round! pacific showdown
united states vs. japan
FIGHT!!
united states drops two extinction balls on japan
FINISH HIM!
let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit.
“hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india, i’m going to starve myself in public.”
britain leaves
“wow, that worked?”
bonus! now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later.
the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me!” they both said at the same time. let’s divide up the lands so we’re both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier!
look out, china! there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china…?
there’s the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever.
let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs.
“i’ll race you to space.”
united states plants a flag on the moon
now let’s make more countries fight themselves.
europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by.
the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it.
let’s check the world population!
woah. okay.
technology is better too, that might keep happening.
the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.
europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don’t feel like it.
let’s check the mail… surprise! it’s on the computer!
whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they’ll remember that.
phone call! surprise! it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket!
whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to.
surprise!… flying robots. with bombs.
wanna print a brain?
some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic!
“let’s save the planet!” said everybody, not knowing how.
“let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool.
by the way, where the hell are we?
thanks for watching history
i hope i mentioned everything
psychic: what the fuck

Complice

Originally posted by apgujeon

Park Jimin. Hogwarts!au. 7k words. Fluff. 

↠ Unraveling the reasons to Park Jimin’s assortment into Slytherin.


Park Jimin, for lack of a better word, is magnetic. An eye catching grandeur. A brilliant meteor cutting through the dead of the night. A glitter of gold and silver. It is no exaggeration when you say you would find yourself singling him out of many other ground-swept robes, clicking heels, wand wielders. It’s not the hair, no –not the locks of fireplace or charcoal ashes, it isn’t also the distinct pitch weaving through buzzing chatters nor is it the recurring dark smoke filling the air at the back row in charms. Thinking of the reason alone sends a pang of melancholy through your veins as your mind tries to block out the patches of defiled memories almost instinctively. But the unavoidable fact of the matter is, Jimin was once your world.

Keep reading

Malec Goodies Part 1

This was supposed to be longer but anyway.

Here it is!

A collection of Malec Writing Goodies. My Malec fanfic rec. Well written fics with amazing writers.

As always, if you know the author and want to give me a hand, please tag them :)

A Fated Pair (Omegaverse) by @katychan666

Series about Alpha!Alec x Omega!Magnus…. 

A good kind of drug by  @imjustoutofideas

After getting a minor surgery, Alec is a little bit ‘high’ from the morphine he was given as pain relief. Fluff ensues.

A Pirate’s Life For Me by @lecrit 

Note: All the love you need and want between your favorite OTP, where one is a prince and the other one is a pirate. There’s a lot of angst, maybe a few tears, you can be sure of that but it’s oh so worth it, fluff and shameless innuendos.

A World Uncertain by @broodingalec 

The overwhelming passage of time has been a topic of avoidance between Alec and Magnus ever since the two started dating. With their lives so fragile and unpredictable under the threat of Valentine, they have managed to leave the concept in the back of their minds for a later date, hopefully somewhere in the far future.

This method of coping is pushed even further in the wake of Sebastian, Valentine’s son and Clary’s brother, taking a new and increasingly cruel step into their lives. The threats that are piling up against them seem to be rising to nearly insurmountable heights, but under the pressure of it all, the idea of the future that would come in the aftermath of success is beginning to haunt Alec’s dreams at night just as often.

Aftermath by @battlemagnus

It used to be that Alec always fit securely inside a neat little box inside Magnus’s head. He was a Shadowhunter, yes, but he was… he was Alec. He was a protector.

And my heart is set on you by  @lightwoodlesbians

Or the, 'we’re putting on a fund-raising play to save our old drama department’ au (ft. bonus: 'we had a thing in high school but i haven’t seen you in years and oh god you’re even more attractive than i remember’)

Aren’t You Cold? By lethargical

Alec dislikes the Winter. A lot. So when his apartment’s heating stops working, he decides to ask his neighbour for help, little did he know his neighbour was glittery and oddly familiar…

August by @glambertal

“What was your first time like?”

Magnus looked up at him slowly, one eyebrow arched curiously. “Why?”

Alec shrugged as if he weren’t mortified. “Just wondering. You don’t have to answer.”

Magnus just hummed and bookmarked his page, setting the book down. “It wasn’t nearly as good as yours, if that’s what you mean.”

Bang Me Like Your Drum by hckycrzy07

Magnus Bane is a pre-med student at NYU just trying to graduate. He’s stressed enough and could do without his friends pestering him about his boyfriend. It’s not that he’s embarrassed or closeted or something. He just wants to keep his boyfriend to himself, thank you very much. Now, if he could just get his friends to understand that, his life would be a whole lot easier.

or Magnus has a secret boyfriend that all of his friends have been dying to meet but Magnus just keeps refusing.

Big days and fragile nerves by @katwriting

It’s the day that Alec is supposed to become the official Head of the Institute and he is a tiny bit nervous.

“Nervous?”, Magnus said softly.
Alec let out a shaky laugh and scratched the back of his neck in a nervous gesture. “You have no idea.”
Magnus sighed. “Oh, Alexander. You have absolutely nothing to worry about.”
“Yeah, sure”, Alec scoffed, running one of his arms up Magnus’s side and cupping his cheek with his hand, “only every single shadowhunter in New York waiting for me to screw up.”

But some of us are looking at the stars by @lecrit

There aren’t many things that Alec loves as much as he loves the stars.
Most nights, he just likes to sit on his balcony and watch the eerie darkness drape over the sky and the silver glow of the moon, surrounded by the stars shaping constellations he knows by heart.

This is a special night for him and his son. The only night in the year Alec lets Max stay up after midnight, so they can watch Perseids meteor shower together on the rooftop of their building.

Alec doesn’t expect to find out they weren’t the only ones to get the idea.

Build your hopes up like a tower by alecsmagnus

They thought he never heard them.

But he always did.

Burnt by redappleblossom

The rest of the scene that Magnus deserved at the end of episode 12.

But In the Morning We Rise by @alittlebriton

“Mmmkay,” Magnus sighs without opening his eyes and shifts to allow Alec more access. “You can wake up the rest of me if you want.”

Alec knows he doesn’t mean it quite the way his brain interprets it - he just means he can keep up the kissing - but his brain leaps ahead and makes him flush, his body getting warmer. But why shouldn’t he? Magnus was his boyfriend; he was naked in bed with him. He could definitely wake up the whole of Magnus if he wanted. Just because he hasn’t done it before didn’t mean it wasn’t a good idea. 

Set before Episode 9 Bound By Blood - Alec wakes Magnus up in new ways.

Closed Doors Don’t Lie by @actuallyredorchid

When the summoning of the Memory Demon reveals that it’s not only Clary’s memories that have been meddled with, Alec finds himself being pushed off the path set out for him and onto a different one.

Communication by NotEvenThat

It didn’t matter if Alec hadn’t meant to upset him. Ragnor was dead. Valentine was back. The Clave wanted to document Downworlders, like they were cattle. Magnus was breaking down and he needed Alexander to leave before he really lost it.

Or how I think the Malec fight will go in 2B.

Communication Is Key by LS_5Ever

Everything was going great for Alec and Magnus. Alec no longer cares what Maryse thinks, and apart from Jace and Izzy’s constant teasing, he couldn’t be happier. Then, all goes downhill when, after a great day, Magnus starts ignoring him. What did he do wrong? If only Magnus would tell him, he could try to make it better.

Or the one where Magnus thinks Alec is cheating on him but in reality he’s not, but Magnus doesn’t know that because the two of them don’t communicate enough.

This will only be about 5 chapters unless I feel like expanding the story a bit.

Count to Ten and Breathe by @baneismyexistence

This is just a little drabble that came to me after watching 2.12.

Dancing in the Devil’s shoes by @marieruby 

His legs are not working. No matter how much he tries, the swirling mess in his head makes it impossible to walk anywhere, take any action. It’s the last couple of days all over again. He wants to cry but the tears are dry. He wants to scream but his voice is gone.

His voice is gone.

——-
The aftermath of 2x11 and the consequences of the bodyswap for Magnus.

Everything’s Embarrassing by @rosegoldhell

Magnus is a single father. Alec is a 4th grade teacher.
Both men are scared of relationships, but secretly crave to have something more one day, life just keeps getting in the way.
But their plans of living single lonely lives doesn’t last for long, when Rafael and Madzie Bane decide to play Matchmaker.

Explosive, Corrosive (Self-Preservation) by  GideonGraystairs (TrxyesSivan)

This was how they worked; angry in different ways, but always at the same time.

Keep reading

“Being Friends is Great and All”

Peter Parker x Reader

Avengers Chat-room

Part 1 HERE .

Warnings: Spidey fluff, Love Confression or Crush, Backstory Explanation, Reader Powers Are Cool But She’s Still Learning, Some Plot In A Chat-Room Somehow, Little Angst But Barely.

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Catch a Falling Star

Characters: CastielXReader

Word Count: 1832 (Part I)

A/N: Part I of a Soulmate AU mini-series, or as I have come to fondly refer to it, the 1K Follower Celebration request by @trexrambling with prompts for hurt/comfort, protectiveness, and reunion inspired by TKG poem #4 that outlined better for me as a series than a stand-alone drabble.

Summary: What if angels didn’t end up just anywhere when they are banished by sigils…what if sometimes they end up exactly where they need to be? Turns out you are Castiel’s grounding stone, and it’s more complicated than either of you realizes. Sparks fly when you meet a mysterious blue-eyed stranger in the most unexpected of places.

Few sensations exist in creation more unpleasant than the vision blurring stomach churning skin chaffing whirlwind spin of an angel’s vessel hurtling uncontrollably through physical space upon being banished by means of blood sigil. Few sensations, that is, save for the fireball crash landing which invariably follows such expulsions. There are archived plans for a Coney Island roller coaster gradually disintegrating in a drawer at the New York City Public Library which, if the project reached fruition, might have come close to replicating the experience. However, engineers could never work out adequate safety measures to protect the rocketing passengers from being jettisoned into oblivion at the kinetic peaks.

Castiel, like most vessel-bound wavelengths of celestial intent in his current predicament, hadn’t expected to find himself the equivalent of an angelic slingshot just now. Unfortunately, and also fortunately for him, the sensation was not entirely unfamiliar and he knew panicking would accomplish nothing. Practice taught him that accepting fate and relaxing usually made for a slightly softer landing.

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anonymous asked:

Headcanons for failed!dates for Chocobros? Like one which go way too bad way to soon. Not the first date, however! They've been with their partner for few months.

This has been sitting in my drafts for so long. I’m so sorry. Noct’s came really easily but coming up with dates for the rest of the bros was a trial. 

I threw in a read more after Noct’s because this post got really, really long.


Noctis L.C.

  • It was supposed to be a simple date. Ice cream, movies, lunch, shopping, you know.
  • Well.
  • There’s forecasted rain on the day of the date, but it hasn’t started raining yet, so Noctis and his s/o usher themselves to the ice cream parlor. 
  • They’re out of both of their favorite flavors, but the two of them still get ice cream. Noctis is a bit pouty that he didn’t get his favorite, but eh, things could be worse. 
  • Things do get worse. Noct’s ice cream falls out of the cone about a block away from the parlor. His s/o is laughing at him and offering some of theirs, except then their’s falls out of the cone too. “Instakarma!” Noct cries, but he’s laughing too.
  • The two of them are walking to the movie theatre and everything is fine, but then there’s a flash of lightning and a crack of thunder and the sky just opens up and “I thought the forecast said light showers!”
  • They’re are already soaked, but to prevent getting more soaked, they start running to the theatre. It seemed like a good idea until one of them trips, and there was a giant puddle ready for the both of them to fall into.
  • Noctis looks like a drowned cat, and his s/o wants to laugh but they’re a drowned cat too.
  • After that, there’s no running, and they walk to the theatre only to find that the movie they were going to see is completely sold out. For the whole day. Noctis looks increasingly frustrated.
  • “There’s still lunch?” his s/o suggests, and they’re headed to one of the fast food restaurants close by.
  • The restaurant is out of french fries. And chicken tenders. And sandwiches. “What DO you have?” They have broccoli. The restaurant has broccoli.
  • “This is blasphemy against the crown!” Noctis shakes his fist to the sky dramatically, then grins when he sees his s/o really struggling not to laugh at him. 
  • The date itself was a complete disaster, but once the two of them get home, they take a hot shower together and then collapse on the couch and gorge themselves on cup noodles.


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Someday I’d like a compendium of Shit Sburb Does So Kid-Gods Die Young. In the first place, targeting kids who want to play a game for a huge responsibility. Separating them from their guardians, wanting the new world to have no godly help growing or knowingly preparing for the next session, the God Tier system of dying encouraging players to stay out of significantly interfering when they don’t have to…

SERIOUSLY. I hope you don’t mind me answering this publicly (I’ve stripped off the username) but I was meaning to make a post about this sometime anyway. 

I don’t know if Hussie meant it this way, but it doesn’t take much effort to view Skaia/SBURB as grooming kids to fulfill its aims and then disposing of them.

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We Intertwined: Ch. 8

An Ignis Scientia Story

Chapter 7 | AO3 | Chapter 9
Word Count: 1,719

It was well into the evening when Raine finally called Ignis. It was late enough that Gladio insisted that they all go out for drinks. And so that was how Ignis found himself in the middle of a crowded bar, nursing a rapidly warming beer, watching as Raine and Gladio knocked back one shot after another.

What they were drinking, he did not know, but the smell of it alone reminded him of the cleaning products that he used to keep under the sink in Noctis’ apartment.

Noctis was laughing at a story that Gladio was telling, and Prompto was taking tons of photos to document their first real night out in a long time. The five of them sat in a booth, with Raine squished between Prompto and Gladio, and Ignis on the opposite side seated next to Noctis.

He watched the scene unfold before him as Raine and Gladio clinked the small glasses again before wincing as the alcohol burned their throats on the way down.

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“AUideas Top 101 AUs”

In no particular order:

  1. “Hades & Persephone AU”: AU in which Character A is the dark God/dess of the Underworld who falls in love with innocent Spring God/dess Character B. Either Character A kidnaps Character B, or Character B is the willing runaway.
  2. “Dystopia Love AU”: A future time when love is illegal/considered a disease. You can only be with the person assigned to you - but two characters fall in love despite the rules.
  3. ”Old Cold Soul AU”: Character A grew up in an environment where they weren’t offered very much affection as a child and now that they’re older, they have a lot of trouble conveying any emotions outside apathy, sarcasm, and being mildly interested in something. But after befriending Character B, an extremely lovey and affectionate person, Character A begins to fall hard for them. Awkward romance shenanigans ensue as Character A gets flustered over hand holding and hugging because affection is relatively alien to them.
  4. Character A has been given one month to find and kill Character B. Character B, however, falls in love with Character A.
  5. “Listen, I love you and all, but can you please stop hiding all the good junk food on the top shelves where I can’t see them?” AU
  6. “Working in the experimental area of the hospital has its merits - but then again, I’m fairly certain that other departments don’t have random outbreaks of deadly diseases or go into lockdown periodically. Honestly, you don’t know how many book club meetings I’ve had to do over Skype because someone opened a tube of small pox again.” AU
  7. Character A works for an orphanage in the mountains that takes in “abandoned” vampires  – meaning they didn’t have a sire/group of experienced vampires to teach them – and teaches them how to function in society. It’s not easy to help a bunch of fresh vampires dampen their natural, predatory instincts.
  8. “This person’s umbrella on the subway is beeping.” AU (Spy AU)
  9. “I’m a mailman, okay? I deliver goods, like letters, packages, and such, but I never asked for this, okay?! I never asked to deliver what was apparently an assault rifle and then be yanked into an FBI van and questioned for two hours straight. I DEMAND TO CALL MY LAWYER.” AU
  10. “I’m a concerned neighbor, so I of course called the police when I heard muffled gunshots from next door. However, the police didn’t arrive next door - rather, someone arrived at MY door, and they certainly weren’t cops.” AU
  11. “We’re both psychology majors, and it’s great and all that we know everything about the topic, but it would be awesome if you could stop diagnosing me with being a dick - it’s unnecessary and definitely not a legitimate condition.” AU
  12. “You have a weird obsession with peanuts, and I’m hella allergic, but I guess we can make it work, as long and you stay way far on your side of the room and just never breath ever again or I will so punch you.” AU
  13. “It turns out that bath salts really were the trigger for the apocalypse, and of course my boyfriend/girlfriend was the primary dealer. Who knew the Supreme Court would still be in session enough to prosecute them?” AU
  14. “I’m a news reporter who got boarded up at the station with my annoying camera man who I suspect has the hots for me, and we’re stuck here for the foreseeable future; me reporting, and them continually asking if I want another protein bar” AU
  15. After fulfilling their dream to become an astronaut, Character A discovers that space is much louder than they originally intended. The stars and bright and beautiful, but more of all, they are dangerous. AU about star spirits and mischievous space creatures.
  16. “I’ve decided to begin a business of sorts - it’s basically a bar, but with MANY different types of hot chocolate, and without any alcohol (of course there isn’t any alcohol, who do you think I am). It’ll hopefully become a gathering place for those without another place to go on a snowy Tuesday night.” AU
  17. “A war has been occurring at work: tea, coffee, or hot chocolate. Everyone has been taking sides, making barricades, hanging tea bags, and overall making a bit of an unpleasant work experience.” AU
  18. AU where your character gets teleported into a book - that they have never read. In fact, they’ve never even heard of it before. As the story progresses, they start to realize that they are stuck in a tragedy in which they are almost certainly going to die.
  19. ”Loop Year AU”: It’s December 31st and Character A is stuck in a time loop. Every night, as people ring in the New Year, Character A races against the clock to find and kiss their soulmate at midnight. If they don’t do it in time, Character A is forced to live the day over again. 
  20. “My philosophy teacher and I have had quite the crush on one another for a while. It’s cliché, yes, I know, but I’m not sure how to handle our relationship now that I know they’ve been murdering all of my exes sequentially because he sees what they did to me as morally wrong and that they need to repent in hell” AU
  21. In a world where books are used to predict people’s futures, Character A reads that they’re never going to be in a relationship because they’re aromantic, which explains an awful lot about their confused teenage years, and decides to become a Book Interpreter, helping other people unveil their futures with the help of books.
  22. “So the sky is still raining fire and meteors, and my laptop is running low on battery, but I wanted to say that I like you, a lot. Even though we haven’t ever talked in real life, if this is the end of the world then I’m really happy that I got to meet you.” AU
  23. Star-Crossed Lovers AU: One character is an angel fallen to Earth, the other a demon rewarded with a life Earth. They find each other and fall in love, only to be taken back to their places in heaven and hell.
  24. “You found me crying in Barnes & Noble and thought that I was reading a sad book so you tried to comfort me but really I was just super happy that the dog didn’t die at the end.” AU
  25. “We’ve both studied martial arts in the past, and although I studied Shaolin Kempo, you clearly think that your Jiu Jitsu training is far above my own, so I can only think of one way to settle this.” AU
  26. ”Blood and Sparkles AU”: Magical universe au where Character A is broke and is trying to make ends meet by working as a secretary for a large company. At night, to feel alive and to make some extra cash, Character A participates in an underground fight club against other magic users/magical creatures.
  27. Magical universe AU where Character A is a witch who bakes tarts and miniature pies that do everything from soothing a child’s persistent cough, to helping boost a student’s memory before a big test.
  28. Character A runs a small, locally owned bookstore and somehow gets their hands on this old, cursed book. Interested, Character A takes it home and begins to read it, unknowing of the book’s power. Character B is a mage in search of the book, and stumbles upon Character A’s bookstore. Though, their first interaction is an odd one, Character B is trying to pry the book from Character A’s hands if it will kill them.
  29. Character A works at a rival coffee shop from Character B and they’re both engaged in a passive-aggressive fight with seeing who can create the best sidewalk sign art outside of their coffee shop.
  30. ”Little Light of Mine AU”: Character A works at a candle shop that specializes in aromatherapy, selling candles that are infused with natural oils to help people sleep/keep from stressing out/focus/relieve pain/kick addictions/have sweet dreams. Across the street, Character B works at a LGBTQ+ Center that uses Character A’s candles in their center so that it has a calming aura to it; they sometimes send people home with small tea candles – free, provided by Character A from leftover candle wax – so that they can light one when they’re feeling overwhelmed.
  31. “My favorite part of the season is taking afternoon strolls down this one scenic road - the same one from when I was a kid. The comforting sun leaks through the interwoven mosaic of warm colors, giving everything a hue of safety and homeliness. The narrow road weaves and turns to the extent that it’s difficult to believe that it’s a two way street, with the occasional car passing slowly to take in the breathtaking sights. Tea in one hand and camera at my waist, I love to simply breathe in my surroundings and the crisp autumn air.”
    1. #1: “Although this has always been a special time for my meditation, I’ve found someone that I truly think is worthy of basking in this golden light with me and sharing this wonderful experience.” AU
    2. #2: “Leaning down to snap of photo of a particularly adorable cluster of mushrooms, I saw a shadow dart between the trees.” AU
    3. #3: “It felt wonderful, just strolling on this narrow pathway, feeling the warmth of the sun and the scratch of my scarf. I closed my eyes for a single moment and smiled, only to wake up in a hospital only seconds later. Terrified and confused, a nurse told me that someone had found me on the side of the road, almost fatally wounded… just left there, in a pool of warmth and crimson.” AU
  32. “Halloween is without a doubt my favorite holiday of the year; it gives even the most shy of us the opportunity to become someone we aren’t. I can be whoever I want to be, so I became (insert video game / movie / television / book character here), of course. However…this year something has gone wrong. Everyone has become who their costumes are. Most people would think ‘but that’s awesome!’, and that’s where they would be wrong. The ‘cool kids’ always group together and choose a specific idea to surround and, well, have you ever heard of that one movie ‘The Purge?’” AU
  33. Character A is a dragon hunter that’s tracking the few remaining dragons on Earth. Character B is a dragon rider that is trying to help the dragons hide from the hunter and find somewhere safe to live.
  34. “What do you mean my kingdom is in danger? I left it like 2 hours ago. Why do I even have advisers?!” AU
  35. Character A, a witch, left their book of spells on the bus and Character B, a non-magic user, finds it. Character B has to read through the book in order to find hints as to who it belongs to.
    1. Bonus: By the time Character B tracks down Character A to return the book, they’re so fascinated with magic that they ask Character A to be their mentor.
  36. After applying for a new reality TV show, Character A finds themselves involved in a scavenger hunt that takes place across the USA. With a GoPro camera, their dog, and their best friend/sibling/significant other/ext. in the passenger seat, Character A has to take one hell of a road trip for a chance to win 1,000,000 dollars.
  37. Character A doesn’t know how to tell all the people commenting on their “cool design” on their key chain is actually a sigil to help them always remember where they put their keys. Especially that really religious looking person wearing the crucifix and holding a bible who keeps asking where they got it.
  38. ”Trust Me Honey, I’m Lying AU”: Character A is a professional con artist, specializing in tricking rich people to take Character A out for fancy dinners, then Character A leaves the other person with a hefty bill. Character B is Character A’s mousy roommate who would rather spend the day playing MMORPGs games on their laptop than interacting with actual humans. When one of Character A’s plans goes horribly awry, Character B is dragged into Character A’s scheme to make Character C (the heir of a major business and Character A’s latest victim) go on several dates with Character B so that Character A can scam Character C for money…the only problem is that Characters B and C are starting to develop real feelings for each other.
  39. ”Grave dating advise AU”: When Character A moves out of their family’s house and into a small apartment, they realize that the apartment is haunted by Character B, a spirit who, after learning that Character A isn’t going to drive them out – it’s pretty cool to have a ghost for a roommate – finds infinite enjoyment in mapping out Character A’s romance life with Characters C, D, and E. Character C is a psychic who feels the “ghostly energy” clinging to Character A almost immediately. When Character D comes over for Netflix and chill, they promptly begin to freak out because “holy shoot who is that on the recliner watching us???” And Character E thinks it’s pretty neat (only a little bit freaky) that Character A is living with a ghost! Cue long nights of Character A and Character B talking about romance and all of the shenanigans that go along with it.
  40. “I’ve been RP-ing with someone for months and months now without fail, and we’ve created a world that is completely beyond belief. It’s almost…too good to be true? (First Ending: the two RP-ers continue to write back and forth for years and years, developing the most complicated and involved story since The Lord of the Rings. The two decide to meet in person in order to edit and revise, and perhaps discuss publishing. It turns out the two have seen each other many times before but never actually addressed each other.) [Second Ending: one of the two RP-ers turns out to be a witch and throws both themselves and their RP friend into the world they’ve created]” AU
  41. “I’ve accidentally broken both of my wrists after falling down the dorm building stairs, so now I need to have a “partner” from the Aid Club whose purpose is to specifically help kids who accidentally break limbs, have difficulty in class, etc. The only issue is that I can’t…exactly…type. I’m a short story major. What in the name of sanity can I do?? It’s not like I can ask this really nice person to type up my homework of 12 pages a night!!……can I?” AU
  42. “Who says that marching band isn’t a sport? We don’t care about the technicalities - we will call our conductor ‘coach’ for as long as we need to in order to be allowed to have a huge cooler of Gatorade on site.” AU
  43. “Someone set fire to the adjoining room by accident and we’re locked into the practice room without a way to escape - no, dude, we are not like the quartet on the Titanic, now help me open this stupid window…blockhead…” AU
  44. Character A is a tattoo artist with the ability to create tattoos that give the wearer mental comfort – lessened dysphoria, better self-esteem, “full” feeling for OCD urges, peace from anxiety, ext.
  45. “Okay, so every time we go out drinking, there is a designated driver. I know that you’re immediately thinking that that’s ‘so responsible,’ but that’s totally not the case - the general rule is that the youngest had to drive. My group of friends hasn’t added anyone in four years. Do you know how long I’ve been sober. Too long.” AU
  46. When Character A accidentally causes a lemon tree to spring up from their dead fish’s grave, it’s revealed that they’re magical…but sort of in an unconventional way. Character A can do magic, but it requires a freshly dead corpse (mammalian is strongest) in order to create a new life (usually plants).
  47. Character A, Character B, and Character C are a team of demonhunters, trying to survive in the post-apocalyptic world. Together, they kill any demons they can and try to preserve humanity.
  48. “Spontaneous AU”: As their New Year’s resolution, Character A is trying to kick their addiction – to substances, adrenaline, shopping, crime, ect. – and every time they feel the need to indulge again, Character A goes out and buys a house plant. Soon Character A’s apartment is filled with plants and they’ve become close friends with Character B, the gardener who has been selling Character A plants and giving them tips on how to take care of the different types.
  49. Character A is the child of a fisher(wo)man who was lost at sea when Character A was young. Being raised in a lighthouse by their highly superstitious grandparent(s), Character A finds themselves alone one night as a pale lilac fog begins to roll in from the ocean, and something wet, nasty, and abdominal starts to push at the lighthouse’s walls. Character A has gone through this before, but there’s a wailing coming from the water, and it’s telling Character A to come outside. 
  50. “Oh…oh. Yep. You just summoned an Elder God on the football field and to be honest I’m not sure that I can even be mad at you right now because this means that I don’t have to take my AP Calculus final tomorrow.” AU 
  51. ”Lifespan AU”: Magical universe au where Character A is a magic user, but they’ve inherited a family curse that drops time off of Character A’s lifespan whenever they use magic. One day, while walking to their job, Character A watches as Character B accidentally steps out in front of a city bus and Character A, acting on reflex, uses a large amount of magic to save them.Character B is also a magic user and coincidentally, the only one who can break Character A’s family curse, but time is quickly running out for Character A. 
  52. “I’m Blind to the Pain AU”: Character A is blind and has been left behind by their parents and siblings during the zombie apocalypse. Upon waking up, they realize that they’re alone and locked in their room. After turning on the news and hearing reports of the apocalyptic spread of zombies, Character A realizes what’s going on. Hurt, but angry more than anything, they contact friends that live nearby and tell them what’s happening. Once they’re broken out, Character A vows to survive and prove their family wrong. Character A wants to show everyone that just because they’re blind, doesn’t mean they’re helpless or should be left to die.
  53. ”Monster Circus AU”: Character A works for a circus that has been dubbed “The Monster Circus” because how all of the employees dress up in hyper realistic monster costumes…except they’re not costumes. Character B is one of the only humans who works at the circus, and they’re constantly having to work with Character A, a monster, to help keep the circus under control. 
  54. ”Fairy Houses AU”: Character A is a solitary artist who likes to use items from nature – shells, bark, sticks, moss, ext – in order to make their sculptures: outdoor fairy houses. Afraid that people will wreck the small houses, Character A posts pictures online of each house, creating an air of mystery around them. Character B is a jogger who uses running to manage their anger. While exploring a new forest trail, Character B accidentally stumbles across Character A’s secret studio in the woods. Slowly, so as to not ‘spook’ them, Character B starts to bring Character A any pretty leaves/pebbles/flowers/ext. that Character B finds on their run.
  55. “My face was injured some time ago, halting my otherwise lucrative and successful theatre career at a young age. It saddened me to leave the stage so quickly, so I have been partaking in the noble part of techie ever since the accident. However, one of the leads got bronchitis and as they were looking for the perfect replacement at the last minute…unfortunately…someone Googled me.” AU
  56. “We were notorious around the cast for being the Romeo and Juliet of the show; not literally, of course, but we represented the two sides of theatre: those in the lights (the actors) and those in the shadows (techies). We would make out relentlessly in between scenes until my techie kissing buddy would practically push me onstage to do my next scene. When the time arose for someone to take the part of my counterpart due to a problem, there was an almost completely unanimous vote that my Romeo in the Shadows would make the perfect replacement since they already knew the entire show by heart. Plus, well, we had already proven that we could kiss.” AU
  57. ”ERROR 404: LIFE NOT FOUND AU”: Character A is an AI inside of a human shaped robot. Upon wakening, it finds that the factory/bomb shelter/workshop/ext where it was built is in complete ruin. Picking its way around its disassembled and ‘dead’ brethren, Character A finds a note stating that its creators, Characters B and C, had abandoned their life's’ work because all hope in rebuilding Earth was lost. Outside, the modern world has died. The air shimmers from the sun’s intense heat, even after it’s dipped below the horizon, and Character A is left to roam the scorched landscape in hope of finding something, anything, that is still alive. 
  58. Character A is an universe hopper – like a time traveler, but with jumping between universes – and due to a drastic miscalculation, Character A and B (the trusty sidekick) find themselves at the execution of Character C, a royal who has been charged for murder. Thinking fast, Character B declares that they’re a detective who’s been sent to look into Character C’s case. It’s up to Character B and Character A (now taking the reluctant role of sidekick) to help clear Character C’s name and to avoid being executed too. 
  59. ”Beauty in Death AU”: Character A doesn’t think that they’re an attractive person – and maybe they’re not – but to Character B, the literal grim reaper, Character A is one of the most beautiful people that they’ve ever seen. Cue Character B purposely going out of their way to extend Character A’s lifespan and to make Character A’s life a little better for them.
  60. ”Kittens AU”: Characters A, B, and C share an apartment together. One afternoon, Character A finds a cat and its litter of kittens abandoned behind the dumpster. Cue Character A and B being total saps and trying to take care of these cats in their small, shared bathroom, while Character C tries to remind them that animals are totally against the apartment rules.
  61. ”Library!AU”: Character A is a librarian at the library that Character B regularly visits. Character A often leaves silly books (on things like pick-up lines or studies on sex positions) on Character B’s favorite chair while they’re browsing for more books. It’s just Character A’s way of flirting. They never say much about them, but Character B always checks out with Character A. After a couple of weeks, Character A remarks that Character B has an unusual taste in literature, jumping from horror to romance to mystery with no notice. Character B just smiles. The next time Character B comes in, they ask Character A to try to figure out their book pattern, only winking then walking out. Character A studies the list of books that Character B has checked out, and eventually realizes that the first letter of each title spells ‘WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME’. The next day Character B comes to the checkout, looking hopeful, but Character A simply scans their book without saying anything, ripping off their receipt and scribbling on the back. Character B walks out to their car, only to find that the back of the receipt has a restaurant, time, & phone number, with the words ‘don’t be late!’.
  62. Character A takes on a villain and almost fails, only to be saved by an unknown entity (Character B) who also nurses them back to health but respects them enough to both not reveal their identities. During the time that A gets back on their feet, the two have small but fiery interactions. A finally leaves in their civilian form, only to come across a strikingly familiar homeless person (secretly B).
  63. Character A is a superhero who tends to disregard damages done to the city. Character B, however, sees these damages as anything but collateral, as they are the ones that have to handle the insurance. In a fit of rage, B sues A without realizing A’s true identity as their crush, and A too is not able to face their accuser. Everything becomes all too real once their eyes meet in the court room.
  64. Character A works in a café with a co-worker, Character B. A notices that B is constantly itching his collar one day. Curiosity overcomes them and they ask what’s wrong - B must avoid the question at all cost as they don’t want A to know that it’s a new detergent they purchased that seems to irritate their skin…specifically the collar of their hidden super suit.
  65. Character A is a psychologist that has many regular patients, but one has always stood out to him in particular: Character B, who is in reality a super hero.Character A is a tailor who has been having quite an uneventful day until a bag appears on their desk the moment they return with the tag “Please Keep This Secret and Safe - I’ll come back tomorrow to retrieve it with pay…sorry for being so cryptic” They, of course, open said bag and are encountered with the last thing they expect - a super suit.
  66. ”Black Friday, Black Coffee AU”: Character A has been working at a retail store during the night/early morning of Black Friday and is so tired, but they need to stay awake so that they can drive home. Character A stops at Character B’s small coffee shop – which opened early in case people came in at 4am – and Character A accidentally falls asleep in a very comfortable chair while waiting on their coffee. Character B lets them sleep and even gets a blanket out of the back room to cover Character A. 
  67. “The Barista and the Bibliophile AU”: Character A is an employee at a quaint little bookstore in their town. Character B is a barista at the café right next door. Every day, Character A goes to the café right before they start work and during their break. Character B always work at the same time as Character A, so whenever A comes in, it’s B who serves them. Because Character A comes in so regularly and orders the same thing every time, Character B and Character A start to bond. After a while, Character B will have Character A’s order ready before they even enter the café. Once getting their order, Character A will sit at the same table right by the window and pull out a book. Every day, it’s a new one. And each day, Character B will sit down with Character A and take a little break to hear A talk about their latest read.
  68. “As a botanist, you could say that I have a slight obsession with magnificent-looking plants; I know you wanted to go to the movie theater for our first date, but I can assure you that one of the most breathtaking sights you’ll ever see is my home in bloom.” AU
  69. After a freak accident involving a bicycle and a flock of geese, Character A wakes up in the hospital to find that their childhood, imaginary friend – who they stopped believing in ages ago – is their significant other. Everyone can see Character B, the ex-imaginary friend, and keeps telling Character A that the two of them have been dating for a long while now, but that doesn’t explain what happened to Character C, Character A’s real significant other before the accident.
  70. ”The Sound of Your Voice AU”: Character A has a hard time with reading – because of their dyslexia/visual impairment/ADHD/etc. – and asks if Character B would mind reading Character A’s assignments aloud to them since Character B has a really, really nice voice.
  71. “”its the sleeping hour” AU”: Character A lives a few time zones away from Character B and is notorious for staying up later than they are supposed to. In order to make sure Character A gets enough sleep, Character B always messages them “its the sleeping hour” at midnight every night in the hope that Character A will take better care of themself. Possible Ways to Continue: 1.) An accident causes a lack of messages from Character B, causing Character A to panic and become more insomnia-ridden than ever, 2.) Romance ensues, 3.) Character B always tells Character A to go to bed, only to stay up with them because they enjoy the other’s company so much.
  72. “These are my final words of warning to all other illegal hackers before whoever is outside my apartment door breaks their way in and drags me off.” AU 
  73. One-shot story telling how Character A’s marching band went to the 24-hour Wal-Mart after a competition and how Character B almost got left behind because they fell asleep on a display chair, and how Character C bought the drum line a jug of chocolate milk, and how Character D was that one kid who bought all the half-priced doughnuts and only shared them with the flutes…ext.
  74. ”Survivors AU”: Zombie apocalypse au where Characters A, B, C, and D have formed a small group together and are slowly trying to make their way to a safer home. Everything is going okay, until Character C begins to note that the group is being followed by one very stubborn zombie. 
  75. ”Strike Me Down AU”: Character A is caught in a rogue thunderstorm and is struck by lightning. In a final attempt to save themself, they call 911 and are found by the first paramedic to make it on the scene, Character B. The bolt leaves Character A with an incredibly intricate scar running down their shoulder, to their arm, back, and side of their neck. Characters A & B keep in touch after Character A pulls through, but both are astonished to find that Character B has scars slowly appearing precisely the same pattern as Character A but on the opposite side of their body.
  76. Characters A and B rented an apartment across the hall from Characters C and D. Through a series of miscellaneous and hilarious antics, most of which involve cooking food, the four of them begin to intermingle in the others’ lives, somehow making a family out of their mess.
  77. ”Roommate AU”: As a chance to break out of their social bubble, Character A decided to go with a potluck roommate for their freshman year of college. At first, Character A feels like they got the cream of the crop with Character B as a roommate, but everything starts to change after their third month rooming together. Character A could have handled Character B coming back from parties at weird hours of the night, but when Character B starts developing strange habits - anxiety around mirrors, eating a lot of raw sushi, sleepwalking, keeping their nails short, ext - Character A starts to wonder if there isn’t something more supernatural to their potluck roommate.
  78. ”Being Tailed AU”: Character A is going to a local tailor / seamstress to get their suit / dress tailored to their specific measurements since it seems that it isn’t fitting quite right. They meet the store’s expert, Character B, and begin getting their measurements done until they feel a pin prick the side of their neck. Soon after they collapse and Character B, someone who actually followed them there and posed as the tailor, takes them away.
  79. Character A is a ghost who haunts the dorms at Character B’s college. Not insanely happy that they’re rooted to a college dorm for the rest of their spirit’s existence, but Character A enjoys the shenanigans and always makes sure that everyone in Character B’s dorm is doing okay. 
  80. ”The Dragon Child AU”: Character A is something of an abnormality, even in a world of magic. Hatched from a stone egg – typical of magical lizards – Character A is half-human and half-dragon, with sharp teeth, membrane thin wings for arms, and fiery red eyes. After overhearing news that a dragon had been spotted flying over a town/village/city/metropolis/ext. Character A thinks that by meeting a real dragon, they may find something about themselves, maybe having a chance to meet others like them. With Character B, Character A’s childhood friend who has a ‘knack’ for telling the future, and Character C, a thief who’s running from the law, Character A sets off to find out who they really are, where they came from, and if they’re alone in the world. 
  81. Time travel has been invented, and to be able to do so, characters must get a time visa, a glowing tattoo that eventually expires. Each time they travel to a different time, the visa will take something from the characters.. (Personally, I used part of the soul.) When your visa expires, the warm yellow glow becomes a harsh red tint. They can be jailed for continuing to travel without renewing visas.
  82. “I voice act for a Video Game company, and one of their newest and most raved-about RP games will be released in about a month or so, and we only finished about half of my script before I came down with a severe case of bronchitis that disallowed me from continuing. There is one other option that would save the game and the company, but I really don’t know if I’m strong enough in every way to contact my identical twin to ask for help - especially after what happened.” AU
  83. Character A goes to the local technology store to get a new phone, only to walk out finding that they already have a number of texts from an unknown number, consisting of nonsensical series of numbers. Frightened, they reenter the store and ask the attendant who had helped them load the phone, Character B, for help. B is surprised, as the number was brand new and should not be available. The two attempt to find what the numbers mean.
  84. This is a classic coffeeshop story: Character A is a barista in a café, while Character B is the smitten customer who is thrilled that they were lucky enough to get Character A’s phone number written on their coffee cup. Later that evening, they waited for Character A to answer their phone in anticipation, only to be greeted by a… sex hotline? (Character A could either be wanting to mess with Character B or Character A legitimately works for the hotline to get some extra cash)
  85. “Home Is Where I’m With You AU”: When Character A’s spouse files for a divorce, they suddenly find themselves struggling to keep their family of three financially afloat as a single parent. It’s not long before Character A has to move to smaller, more affordable housing, which is where they meet their neighbor, Character B, who is also single parent. Soon, Character A’s kids start referring to Character B as their “other parent,” and their kid(s) as their “sibling(s).” As Character A and Character B’s kids grow closer, so do they. Between picking the three kids up from school, to taking the other’s child to ballet/soccer/sports practice, something like romance begins to form.
  86. ”Herbs and Sigils AU”: Character A is a witch who has recently moved from the countryside – where they were able to collect most of their ingredients from nature – to the bustling city. Character A has to adjust to finding somewhere that sells sage, thorns, and hemlock. (Hint: it’s a lot harder than you would think.) Character B is a small business owner that’s runs a struggling apothecary next to a coffee shop, which is run by the charismatic and flirty Character C. At this coffee shop, Character C runs their store like a typical coffee place with add-ins like espresso shots or caramel syrup, but after meeting Character B and becoming business partners – better servicing the magical community = $$$ – Character C has started to offer add-ins like confidence, charisma, or intelligence. While Character A adjusts to their new life in the city, Character B and Character C take it upon themselves to start teaching Character A about how to not seem like a wide-eyed tourist; Characters A and B try to teach Character C more about the magic using community. 
  87. “In our world, people who lie are few and far between. Because we are so technologically advanced, we have a way of tracking those who do: through brands. With each lie told, a single brand is scorched onto every pant leg a person owns, giving them the name of ‘Burnt Prides.’ The fewer brands, the more revered you are…almost as if you’re a virgin. If you’re covered in brands…the more feared you are, and the more wanted you are by the authorities” AU
  88. ”Across Oceans AU”: In high school, Character A set a goal for themselves to become fluent in another language after a relative of theirs comment about how “American children are too dumb to learn another language.” In Character A’s third year of foreign language classes, they’re paired up with an overseas pen pal, Character B. Now, after talking over Skype, email, and traditional letters for years, Character A has saved up enough money to spend a month in Character B’s country while they act as their tour guide to Character A. Shenanigans ensue. 
  89. “Not Quite Imaginary AU”: Characters A and B are twins who were involved in an accident that left Character A with limited use of their voice/hands/feet/eyes/ext and without their other sibling. To deal with the loss, Character A ‘fabricates’ another version of their sibling as an imaginary friend; however, as they grow older, Character A realizes that this imaginary sibling isn’t going away with age, and will often act on it’s own accord, almost like a ghost. Through the story, Character A is constantly caught wondering if Character B simply something that they made up as a kid to deal with grief, or if Character A is really being haunted by the ghost of their deceased sibling. 
  90. ”Fault in the Dark AU”: Character A tries to fix the television but accidentally short circuits the entire neighborhood - left in the dark, they and Character B must try and find a few flashlights and candles, all while stumbling around the house (future blanket fort / pillow fort optional).
  91. ”Eradicated AU”: Character A trained at an Academy for the Gifted from a young age, where they were eventually admitted to a program exclusive to Future Hired Assassins. After a few years in the business, they are confronted by the government who threaten them with a death sentence unless they kill one last person (Character B) that would in turn absolve them of any previous crimes they committed. Character B is the unfortunate civilian who is mistaken for a criminal mastermind planning to dismantle sectors of the military, leading to the demise of many. Character A has no idea that Character B is innocent.
  92. ”Living Shadows AU”: Character A lives in a world in which shadows are these beasts that threaten the lives of every human, they kill off by injecting venom into humans that either ends in a terrible death, or resulting into them turning into a shadow themselves. A has been selected to this program that has recently started know as “Shadow Hunter,” where certain humans are sent off based on traits they show to fight the shadows. A meets Character B, and they become a shadow hunting duo. The best of the best, they think they can never be toppled from their point at the top. What will happen when the shadows learn their tricks? (Bonus points if: A/B gets injected with venom, slowly starts turning into a shadow. The other must kill them off.)
  93. “There’s an old legend in the circus industry of how putting your heart and soul truly into the show would bring it incredible success…who knew that this group would take it so literally.” AU
  94. ”Dry Roses AU”: Character A doesn’t have what you would call a ‘normal job.’ Because they were kicked out of their house at the age of 16, they have had to find a way to live and survive in the streets of Savannah, GA. The city has been forgiving in some aspects, allowing them to sell their own goods in more than one busy location for pedestrians. One day, they are selling and folding palm leaf roses by the shoreline early in the morning, when Character B finds them, looking very tired, and asks them for a rose. A offers them a deal: either they can have their rose right now for the regular price, or they can come back in exactly 13 minutes with a coffee and five dollars for something very special. B, suspicious but willing to play along, returns, coffee and bill in hand, only to find a large bouquet of palm leaf roses exactly where B was seated with the note “please find me again.” Recommended sad ending: A and B date for a while until one day B is hit by a bus, leaving A alone in their life. A’s palm leaf roses always cover B’s grave completely, never wilting, never dying.
  95. Character A is a musician who has played with their eyes closed for years and years yet is able to hit every single note; upon being interviewed by Character B of this strange habit, A tell them that they’ll only tell them upon a few conditions (specified by author). Later, Character B learns that A has synesthesia, and this form allows them to be bombarded with colors among the unimaginable with each and every note they play, but only with their eyes closed: “I have to sacrifice accuracy in order to truly feel - I would make the same trade with the devil any damn day.”
  96. ”Just a Paper Cut AU”: As the school’s library intern, Character A has some fairly uneventful days, filled with the Dewey Decimal System and shushing rowdy students from shelves and shelves away, but what with the amount of books the library carries, it normally keeps them busy. Character B is studying for their Med Final when they accidentally procure a particularly nasty paper cut. For the average person, this would not be an issue, but for a person with a strangely low pain tolerance…it’s a completely different story. 
  97. “”I’ll Save You” AU”: Character A is with a group of their friends in the zombie apocalypse. They’re bitten, but in this situation, the bite doesn’t turn the one who is bitten into a zombie for a few days. They will experience weakness, pains, and sickness during these days, however. Character B is a friend of Character A’s in the group, and they’re immune. They’d hidden this fact, knowing that they would be horribly experimented on until death if it was found out. But upon seeing Character A in suffering, Character B sneaks away and offers to be experimented on by the government to find a cure. Character A and their friends hear of the cure a couple days later and rejoice, until they see a picture of “the brave soul who sacrificed themselves for the sake of the world.”
  98. “There is a legend that says that if you remove a doll’s eyes, they will watch you for the remainder of your life and decide upon your worthiness of having children or not. Depending on your actions, you may not have children, you may have children, or…you may wish you never had children.” AU
  99. Characters A, B, C, and D are avid video gamers who make up the after school club, League of Gamers. When school is threatened by budget cuts and their club (along with many other unfunded clubs) is disbanded for not having enough members, it’s up to group to call on the other geeky clubs – cosplay club, anime club, D&D club, LOTR club, ext – to band together and make the ultimate geek club.
  100. “When the elevator opened, you can bet your ass that the last thing I was expecting was you on your knees with a ring and a mariachi band. Who even are you and why would you propose like this???” AU
  101. And, of course (at the request of many): “your character wakes up in the desert wearing a cowboy hat yeehaw what the hell happened here.”
Mystic Messenger e-mail answering guide FULL VERSION

Hey, just to start, apologies for any grammar mistakes I will commit during this post. I am having internet connectivity issues right now so I am writing this on phone.

There are 4 types of e-mails after you are done with the invitation to the party, the FAILED, which means you did not manage to invite that person, the COMPLETED in red or green, that means the person may or may not come, and the COMPLETED in blue in which the person is coming to the party.

So here goes the list I have until now:


Blue completed:

Indie games developer: Scheam, Nameless, Game convention
Youngest College Students: Jaehee, playing games of drinking soda, because you are too smart.
Oil Company:We have very big parking spots, we have american TV, the bald one.
Barista Group: Arabica coffee, Drip brewing, italy
Models: yes will there be a lot of companies, zen, look of yourself reflected into woman’s eyes
Tetris guy: battle 707 ate the party, stick, we have a new tetris series ready.
Wine Producer:red wine, ice wine, Jumin
Indie movie enthusiasts: environment ( he one that is not r- rated stuff), realism, Cannes, Venice & Berlin.
LOLOL guild: headset, make the stats balanced, blood dragon.
Narcissist association:Lock up in a room full of mirrors, takes a lot of selfies, Lake na.
Secretary association: a rational boss, well payed, normal outfit
Monogamy group: cross-stitch framed, handcuff her, give her flowers.
Musical Supporters: Zen, the jalapeno topping was pretty spice musical, the one that doesn’t say to ask someone for tickets.
Bankers: 100% interest deals, swiss bank, 1.2 million.
Private investigator: Yes I wanna invite you to the party, the heroine that uses violence, It really matches you.
Long cat: meow meow, (with the comma),  miumiu , nyannyan
Tradition: Whoopee~~ Beat the drums~~, Whoopp~~, Oh my dear sun~~ lay your passion upon us~~. 
Hospital: Hippocrates, exam results, compare hospitals.
Culture: Borborry, verragamo, there will be many handsome man.
Artwomen: monet, louvre, cantabile.
Floppy:  rainbow floppy, windows 8.1 3711, obtain a limited cassette tape.
Cat Project: Please come, feed them and wait, social media.
Allergy: Cat allergy, beef and seaweed soup, guests not attending to parties.
Frank: All to the bank, bank passbook, put on various bank accounts.
Solo: Hi I’m Youngsoo. I got your number through Chulsoo, watch, consider the other person’s feelings.
Uranai: I have plenty of time, Jumin Han, old man under the moon
Smartphone: leave the phone on the living room, leave the battery half charged, popcorn brain.
Badcomment: 1.0.0.1., I will be watching the next one, report them.
Nolam: Baleman, Otherstellar, Leonardo Dicappucino.
Tom: call the zoo, stock price of peaches will go down, you are getting two F’s.
Chef: 3 cups, you mix as if you are cutting, 20 minutes.
Rui: Elegant , Olympusx20, ganon
Cherryfarm: green, take out the stem and use a staw to push out the seed, diamond.
LOLOL: Dia, hunt the new zombies, invite her to play lolol
Romance: He will, Your one and only top star, kiss
Naming: Luciel, Your character’s name, Jaehee
Medicine: Tiarnol, tiarnol, tiarnol
Hyoja: fillial piety, confucius, health
Smoking quitter association: scold him, your girlfriend will love it, scold him again
Golf Association: Driver, shoes that dry quickly, gloves that don’t wear out easyly
Roastery: Antigua, whole beans, 15 days
Bracelet: various kinds of organizations, Lock U Up silver bracelet, mall
Pancake: silvervine, salmon fish sauce, fish-shape
Security: Korea, because it’s cool, gold
Writer: art-related organization, X0X0foreverurlovely#1star★ , flies off to space
DocLee: the seal is unlocked!!!, black , the rise of the fire dragon slumbering within the eyes!!
Meteor study club :  first kiss, hungry, make a wish
Tuition Committee: Noon, Yellow and Black, Candlelight
Cat hotel: Cat buffet, Putting on a show, Cat limousine
Driver Kim: Compete with your son, Drifting, young Pong
Hacker: Lucky Kim, 80 years old, Grandmother
Students living alone: In the freezer, Bubblewrap, Fried Rice
Shoes association (Toeic): Small feet, chinese,  Nimtendo
Homeless rescue team: there will be potential donators at the party, warm rice, soup, green salad, baked salmon, and fried eggs.  + sell small issue magazine (third reply; i got blue completed)
Press: netizens, a law must be implemented that protects reporters, i cannot tell you that
God: the one where you said you’re excited talking to him, the one that didn’t ask for money, i think you’ll walk into the party room like a normal person
Detective: i know the vanished seven treasure islands, yoosung’s lolol exploration, chief assistant jaehee kang.
Keyboard: ergonomics, control+C,  movi 83.
Monnami: best pen of the nation: BIC, sear the end with a lighter, classic is best
Emotion: i’d like to help you, the movie one, i really hope you come to our party.
Chicken: Youtube,  face of a generous looking grandfa…I mean you, the owner!,
Wrongmajor: What are you interested in, not too late, convince the parents.
Basketcase woman: green, long enough to do well with my eyes closed,  get a camel through the eye.
Catlovers: head, odd eye, crystal litter.
Stock: Invest the stock, not lose your money, chief assistant Jaehee Kang.
Lame (Haejung): Call the police, Say Hello!, I think you’ll give them a kick in the butt.
Marc: Bae screen wedding,  triple tipt invitations, use the screenshot.
Cream Roll: Imagine Mythical Creatures, limited edition name change ,Banner for the winner
Star: first kiss, shiny moon makes me hungry, wish on a star
Mira: pink bandages, coffin with lace all around, Life size marble statue of the Pharaoh

If you got full completion on other e-mails or have any more info to update the list just reply here, leave a note or send me a private message, I will add your name to the contributors.

@jessrine made a spreadsheet table with all this notes if you prefer to read that way here is the LINK

I Would not be able to do half this list without the help from LittleredLilly/ @paranoialover , thank you SO much!


Thanks SO MUCH for all the help: Himeka1238, Calligor, MarchFairy, LittleredLilly, Midnightkitsunepei, @nohrslittleprincess , @sicheynne, @xxblackrabbit18xx @zelchex @syun0acute @kalelofkrypton @akechu @ledragonprince @creafujo94 @otomesiren @pescado-diabolico @yuuki-kawaii-makoto @vedrane @flibbertigibbetjie @amethystcria @magicalthingy

Awestruck

A SnowBaz fic about camping for the Carry On Countdown

Simon had never been camping before, which was odd when he thought about it.  He’d often had someone to live with during the summer, but none of them were particularly “outdoorsy” folk.  Besides, camping with the people he’d lived with could never have compared to camping with his best friends, his real family.

           They were lying on the ground, all four of them, around the smouldering coals of what had been their campfire.  A thin trail of smoke still drifted into the sky, but it didn’t obscure the stars.  Simon heard Agatha yawn from the other side of the fire pit, and Penny shifted in the grass towards his left.  Simon almost shivered from the dew that was already forming all around them. Under normal circumstances he would have been cold, possibly too cold to enjoy the peace, the tranquility of the night.

           Except that tonight he lay beside Baz.  Very close, in fact.

           And for some reason, that thought was keeping Simon warm.

           “See any constellations, Pen?” he asked.

           “There’s Orion,” she pointed up at the sky.  Simon squinted.  They were all just stars, he couldn’t make out a particular shape.

           “Where?”

           “Over there,” came Baz’s soft voice, and he pointed the way that Penny did.  Simon tried to follow the line of Baz’s arm.

           “Those bright three?”

           “That’s the belt,” Penny replied.  “It you look up and a little to the right of the third star, you’ll see his bow.”

           “Wait, which third star?”

           “To the right.”

           “Oh, okay, I found it.”

           They went silent, everyone trying to open their eyes as wide as they could, take in all the stars at once through the treetops.

           Suddenly Agatha sat up.  “Did you see that?” she cried.

           “What?”

           “A shooting star!”

           “Where?” Simon’s gaze darted around the sky.

           “Well, it’s gone now,” Agatha sighed.

           “Don’t forget to make a wish,” Penny reminded her. Agatha wrapped her arms around her knees, still staring up at the sky.  She stayed that way for a while before eventually lying back down.  It must have been a good wish.

           “Don’t worry,” Penny said to no one in particular. “There’s supposed to be a meteor shower tonight, we should have plenty of chances.”

           What should I wish for?

           Simon pushed the thought aside.  If he saw a shooting star, he would wish for whatever hit him first, whatever came to him at that moment.  He wouldn’t think.

           What would Baz wish for?

           That probably wasn’t a good thing to think about either. Every time Simon tried to figure Baz out, to solve the riddle that was his best friend, he just ended up with a headache.  

           It didn’t help that at this moment he was extremely aware.  Of Baz.  Of their proximity.  And he couldn’t for the life of him figure out why.

           “There!” Penny broke the silence.  “I saw one!”

           “Quick, wish!”  Agatha’s voice had a smile in it.  As beautiful as her smile was to see, it was even lovelier to hear.

           Funny how a few stars could turn them all into awestruck little kids.

           “I didn’t see that one either,” Simon pouted.

           “Pay attention!” Penny giggled.

           “You’ll see one,” Baz murmured, his voice close to Simon’s ear.  Simon’s heart picked up a little at the sound.  Now, why was it doing that?

           Simon stared up at the sky, his eyes searching, darting at any ghost of moment.  A bat flitted across the gap between the treetops, and Simon gasped.

           “That was a bat, Si,” Baz chuckled.

           “I know,” Simon shot back, but he was smiling sheepishly.

           Please call me Si again.

           And then a star fell across the sky, so bright it left a trail of silver, splitting the indigo night.

           All four of them gasped.

           “Tell me you all saw that,” Penny said in a reverent voice.

           “We did,” Baz breathed.

           “It was perfect,” came Agatha’s voice.            

           “Everyone wish,” Penny instructed.

           Simon closed his eyes.

           First thought, first thought…

           Baz.

           Simon’s eyes snapped open.  What?

           He looked over at Baz.

           The boy’s face was not three inches from his own, eyes closed and skin smooth.  Baz always seemed to be thinking, or worried about something, but right now his face was so peaceful that he almost seemed to be asleep.  He looked so genuinely… contented.  Like everything was right in the world.

           If that were true, he wouldn’t be wishing.

           Baz opened his eyes and Simon couldn’t look away. Even when Baz turned to meet Simon’s gaze, he stayed.  He couldn’t move.  He didn’t want to.

           Baz smiled shyly.

           Simon would have grinned.  He wanted to.  But he was awestruck.

           Without thinking, he reached over and took Baz’s cool fingers in his own.

           Baz’s smile fell away in surprise, and Simon’s heart was beyond racing.  It was flying.  It was soaring, arcing across the sky like that star.

           Oh.

           This is why.

           Baz.

           Simon grinned.  He moved closer to Baz and his head found the nook where Baz’s shoulder became his neck.  Baz sighed in a way that sounded like he had been holding his breath, like everything was finally falling into place.  Simon closed his eyes and the two of them simply breathed, together, like they had been made to fit each other that way.

           And though the stars kept raining down, Baz and Simon didn’t see any of them.

           It didn’t matter anyway.  Both their wishes were already coming true.

anonymous asked:

Hey, talk somewhat on Superman's B-list villains? Livewire, Atomic Skull, Silver Banshee, Terra Man, Prankster, and any other low-level but recurring ones. Any ones have potential or cool powers there?

With minor Superman villains, I’ve already touched on Silver Banshee, Prankster, Riot, the Galactic Golem, and J. Wilbur Wolfingham. Delving into some others who maybe don’t have that much name recognition, both B-listers of some degree of note and not-quites who I have some fondness for:

Livewire has always felt like she should be a bigger deal among the Superman villains, but at the same time I get to a certain extent why she hasn’t been. She’s got a great design, and Lori Petty’s voice did as much to define her as Arleen Sorkin did for Harley Quinn, but the more I think about her, the more she runs into problems. She’s not especially meant to be taken seriously - her ‘criticisms’ of Superman are deliberately framed as petty and shallow, to an extent that changing them would essentially rewrite her already pretty well-defined personality. So what you’ve got is a villain who won’t really hurt Superman (given one of his most iconic covers is taking a lightning bolt to the chest with a reply of “It tickles!”, electricity isn’t much of a plausible threat to him) who can still avoid him while causing a ruckus throughout Metropolis, mocking him all the while…and, well, that’s Mxyzptlk. Plus, while Mxy while might bring a vague air of sleaze with him in a way that can leave Superman a touch out of his depth, he’s still deliberately ridiculous, while Leslie Willis is typically much more straightforward and pointed in how she tries to take him down a peg or two in a way that can too easily slide into showing him as stodgy and boring by comparison.

The solution then I think is to bend her away from being a character who has direct confrontations with him all that often. One of her big shticks is that she can manipulate media broadcasts, usually just to make fun of Superman before they throw down. But what if that got pushed further? Make her instead a ghost in the machine riling up idiots on message boards who find the idea of tearing down Superman simply for the sake of it a riot; she could be a one-woman Anonymous, the Bad Media to the Daily Planet’s Good Media, drawing a line under how much of Metropolis hasn’t been hearing Superman’s message at all, needing both to be stopped, and to themselves be saved from far more than a meteor or robot (which would also do a lot to counter the image of Metropolis as a generically perfect city). Ironic, detached cynicism vs. unapologetic sincerity. In short, 4chan vs. Superman, winner take all.

Atomic Skull is, what, an actor with amnesia who thinks he’s a movie villain or something? Meh. I guess there’s something to play with in the idea of his powers as inherently dangerous, evoking Superman’s own fears of losing control, but that seems kinda shallow. I know Superwoman has shown him as somewhat reforming, which seems like a good hook (some of his villains really should), but that’s a whole other angle that hasn’t really been developed yet. The one time I have really liked him was in a set of stories immediately after Electric Superman where each of the four Superman titles briefly told stories set in different eras, with a version of the Skull in the first Golden Age story. A movie star who parlayed his fame as an American Nazi propagandist, he tried to attach himself to Superman’s own increasing public recognition - given he too wore a caped uniform in the serial Curse of the Atomic Skull - claiming they were both examples of the emergence of ubermenschen to reclaim the world. Mesh that with his traditional powerset and contemporary context, and I have an idea of him as some kind of hyper-reactionary, ‘realpolitk’-espousing nihilistic superman of skinheads, alt-righters, and crazed survivalists, who see him as the firey atomic nu-human of an apocalyptic tomorrow. He could even hook up with the Supremacists from Greg Pak and Aaron Kuder’s time on Action Comics for some easy recruits and henchmen.

Subjekt-17; now here’s a guy who I wish had popped up again. Largely forgotten as a consequence of Kurt Busiek’s time on Superman being criminally overlooked, Subjekt-17 was a worst-case scenario: not able to pass for human in the same way as Kal-El, he was taken in by the Soviets as an infant and experimented on his entire life, only to be confronted by Superman when freed and trying to cut a swathe of blood through humanity as payment for his suffering. There was an interesting, painful dynamic in play there - he saw Superman as something like a brother, but in spite of his telepathy couldn’t understand why he would protect the humans who coldly tormented Subjekt his entire life, ultimately seeing Superman as so desperate to assimilate that he would fight an innocent to protect the guilty. I feel like there’s a lot more stories in him, and when it comes to the perennial question of “Are you sure you’re really doing the right thing, Superman?”, I feel like he as a victim of the establishment would have a much more consistent batting average for good stories than yet another edgy new antihero lecturing Superman about the Real Issues.

Magog doesn’t even feel like he should break C-list in the natural order of things, but he was in probably the most widely-read Superman-centric comic ever other than I suppose Death of Superman, so yeah, he counts as notable. The idea presented later on in The Kingdom with Gog as a worshiper of Superman whose shattered faith drove him to madness feels like it has almost a kernel of something interesting at the heart of it, but it feels much more so like a vehicle for semi-talented creators to write dumb comics with him that think of themselves as much more important than they are. A friend did have a decent take on what to do with him narratively though in a way that works with how he’s existed up until now: he’s not a threat himself, he’s not even a consistent or on his own necessarily important figure, but he’s a multiversal constant in that his arrival is always the prelude to a cosmic upheaval or an end of an age of heroes, and specifically catastrophe for Superman. His appearances even back it up: his time in Chuck Austen’s Action Comics was shortly before Infinite Crisis, he came on the scene in the New 52 shortly before Truth and the resulting death of that version of Superman, and now another seemingly new version of him is in Supergirl in the build-up to Doomsday Clock. There’s a lot you can play with there: he doesn’t even have to be the same character twice, but he always emerges to try and take Superman to task on some profound level as a harbinger to a greater doom for the DCU. Maybe over time he could have the same kind of narrative “him showing up means something” cache as Doomsday, but in the sense that seeing him means Superman’s going to have to ask some big questions about himself and what he does as preparation for a larger reckoning for him and his kind, rather than meaning Superman’s gonna have to punch a bone monster again.

I wanna love Terra-Man. He’s a cowboy who was abducted by aliens and got a winged horse to fly around the universe, who calls himself Terra-Man because he a spaceman from Earth! That’s great! But I can’t say the execution has ever much interested me; he’s so over-the-top without ever especially being played as a gag that I just can’t get into it. Luckily though, the solution has already been reached with him: Tom Strong’s Coleman Grey, the Weird Rider, is straight-up Terra-Man, played with the melancholy, cold competency and swagger of a killer out of time, and some fantastic stone-cold badass moments that sell the hell out of him. Just apply that personality to this guy - fearsome but not unreasonable in the right circumstances, out of time but comfortable with his new life even if it means sometimes running up against the Man of Tomorrow - and we have an instant winner; maybe not one of the greats, but not every Superman opponent needs to bring major thematic concerns to the table so long as they can pull their weight in entertaining storytelling opportunities.

And now for a few rapid-fire takes:

Kryptonite Man was one of those characters who just had to exist sooner or later, but there’s really nothing about him that Metallo doesn’t make redundant.

To my knowledge Blackrock has never particularly worked, but I like the idea of him as a reality show hero who gets in Superman’s way sometimes. It doesn’t even need to be that specifically if those trappings are passe at this point; so long as he’s another vigilante opposed to Superman, you can probably pull something out of Blackrock.

Mindlessones convinced me that Nick O’Teen has a place in the background of Superman’s world.

Paragon is a comically awful human being with the powers to back up his inane egotism and cruelty in a way that actually quite worked for me under Kurt Busiek; I think he hits on the same “oh god dammit, this guy” response from Superman that Mxyzptlk elicits, but of a different enough flavor to make him worth keeping around as a separate figure.

And finally, while Tempus would probably lose a lot of his charm if up against a more straight-laced version of Superman, in the context of how silly Lois and Clark got he was my favorite part of that show, and I think he’d work fantastically in any other tongue-in-cheek Silver Age revival treatment of Superman’s world as a way to poke fun at the foundations, hilariously enough so it doesn’t grate but so over-the-top villainously we know we’re not supposed to agree with him.

Strawberry Moon - (Trixya/Vatya) - spacespice

Trixie is a struggling music artist finally discovered by a sleazy Hollywood manager; however, his Russian trophy bride (along with her corseted young lover) complicate and confuse Trixie’s rise to the top as a legend, icon, and star.

A/N: Okay, so…I SEVERELY underestimated the length that I would need to wrap this up and the last chapter turned into such a monstrosity that y’all on mobile would have called for my head. So, I’m splitting the finale in two. Expect the actual, real conclusion sooner rather than later. :)

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anonymous asked:

namjin 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

  • big spoon/little spoon: seokjin is the big spoon! joon loves being babied by him honestly
  • favorite non-sexual activity: painting! joon makes a ton of finger paint messes on his canvas and jin normally draws hearts layered over hearts because he’s staring at the paint on joon’s cheeks and thinking how adorable his husband is
  • who uses all the hot water: namjoon, seokjin resents him for it lmao
  • most trivial thing they fight over: namjoon leaving his stuff everywhere, namjoon using the microwave, namjoon using up all the hot water, namjoon not taking his shoes off at the door, namjoon blasting his music when jin is trying to write, ohm ygosh seokjin nags at joon for everything tbh
  • who does most of the cleaning: jin! but namjoon reads aloud to him while he does so that jin doesn’t get too mad at him when he finds joon’s dirty laundry pile in their closet
  • what has a season pass on their dvr/who controls the netflix queue: i am a firm believer of joon diligently watching supernatural, no one can change my mind on this and seokjin watches a ton of cooking shows, they share control over the queue
  • who calls up the super/landlord when the heat’s not working: namjoon! he’s too scared to fix it himself in case the boiler catches fire or something, but he also doesn’t want jin to worry about it either
  • who steals the blankets: jin! his feet get cold very easily and he absolutely needs those blankets
  • who leaves their stuff around: namjoon! jin nags at him about it, but at least it isn’t as bad as when namjoon first moved in with him
  • who remembers to buy the milk: joon! seokjin always sends namjoon to do the grocery shopping with yoongi so that namjoon doesn’t get hit by a meteor or something while he’s out
  • who remembers anniversaries: neither, seokjin doesn’t like celebrating things like that and namjoon turns all philosophical saying its only a date and that the important thing about their relationship is knowing that even after so many years, they’re still together and they still love each other
  • Who cooks normally? seokjin without a doubt! namjoon isn’t allowed in the kitchen at all, not after he broke the fridge door
  • How often do they fight? playfully? all the time! they domestically bicker all the time, but seriously, they don’t fight at all, not even once
  • What do they do when they’re away from each other? when he misses joon, seokjin starts to be reminded of him by everything, especially books and certain smells that remind him of his joonie. when namjoon misses jin, he starts spouting quotes about love and soulmates and goes on a rant about the how the universe was cruel enough to make him wait some twenty odd years to meet his soulmate (aka jinnie)
  • Nicknames for each other? joonie! joon! nams! jin-hyung! jinnie! hyungie!
  • Who is more likely to pay for dinner? namjoon, he never lets jin pay when they go out because seokjin already does a lot back home
  • Who steals the covers at night? seokjin! but it only happens when he’s having trouble sleeping and keeps tossing and turning in bed. that subsides when namjoon wraps him into his arms and throws one of his legs over jin’s hips
  • What would they get each other for gifts? seokjin would get namjoon books, ryan-related stuff, and tons of pretty notebooks to write his random thoughts down in during the day. joon would get jin tons of cooking books, kitchen appliances, pots, pans, and kisses everywhere
  • Who kissed who first? technically seokjin kissed namjoon first, it was pretty funny though because namjoon had tried to kiss jin, but ended up kissing his chin instead so seokjin put him out of his misery and kissed him very tenderly on the mouth
  • Who made the first move? mm oh my gosh seokjin did, they met at the university library and seokjin just saw his whole future with joon flash before his eyes when he saw namjoon sitting at a table reading a book and seokjin went up to him and said, “hi. i’m a total stranger and all, but would you like to get dinner sometime because i think you’re my soulmate and wow you’re way cuter up close”
  • Who remembers things? namjoon has ingrained every single thing about seokjin into his brain, he isn’t going to forget anything about his hyung
  • Who started the relationship? seokjin lol after they kissed he was contemplating just proposing right then and there, but just asked namjoon to officially his boyfriend. they eloped like three months later because seokjin is impatient and namjoon couldn’t resist, but its cool ‘cause now they’ve been together for like 6 years and still love each other as fiercely as when they first met (soulmates i tell you)
  • Who cusses more? joon! seokjin makes him put money in a cuss jar every time he cusses tho
  • What would they do if the other was hurt? its like second nature for seokjin to take care of namjoon when he’s hurt (namjoon isnt called the god destruction for no reason guys) so when namjoon does get hurt, jin pulls out that mini first aid kit that taehyung gave him and sets to work on treating joon’s injuries. namjoon calls yoongi when seokjin gets hurt because its rare as hell for seokjin to get injured and he doesn’t want to make things worse with his clumsy fumbling
I’m Not Worth It (Prompto x Reader)

Character: Prompto Argentum

Fandom: Final Fantasy XV

Categories: Reader Insert, Female!Reader, Angst, Fluff

Title: I’m Not Worth It


Summary: Prompto and Y/N are really close and playful, but something happens that puts them in danger and shatters this cheerful enviroment. The result is a broken Prompto and a hurt Y/N.


A/N: When I watched the rooftop scene between Noctis and Prompto I realized that Prompto is a pure cinnamon roll and ray of sunshine that needs to be protected and thought of this imagine, which is a bit dramatic and angsty. Hope you enjoy my first ever Final Fantasy XV and Prompto imagine! :P


WARNING: Reader gets hurt. Also, fluffy at the beginning and angsty at the end just to get back to fluff.


Prompto woke me up, shaking my shoulder. I happily stretched my arms and rubbed my eyes, yawning as I sobered up. It was always nice taking a nap while we traveled in the Regalia.

“Wake up, Y/N!!” The blond insisted, tickling me a little before getting out of the car. “Welcome to Lestallum!”

I opened my eyes just in time to see Gladio, Noctis and Ignis getting out of the car as well. The first one looked at me and grinned, probably amused by my sleepy face.

“Morning, sleepyhead” He told me before he started walking after Noctis.

The prince was determined as he leaded the way, chatting with Ignis since he was the one to walk next to him.

“Does Iris know we’re here?” I asked to the two of them, getting out of the car and stepping into the pavement of the street.

“Yup” Prompto replied, cheerful as always.

“I told her, so she’s waiting for us” Gladio told me since I missed it while I was sleeping.

“Great, I can’t wait to meet her!” It was the first time I would see Gladio’s sister, so I was excited and curious to see if she was like her brother. “Bet she’s a sweetheart like yourself, Glad”

“You’re such a flatterer” Prompto joked, laughing.

“Shut up, I’m being nice!”

Gladio laughed at our interaction, even if he was used to it by now.

Prompto and I were constantly teasing each other, being really playful and slightly flirtatious. 

I yawned big as we caught up with the other two. Just when we were about to make small talk with Ignis and Noctis, however, something stopped us.

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anonymous asked:

I went back to see for the 69th time Ouma's L.Hotel scene and I think he goes into his neutral sprite when Saihara says 'didn't u say my feelings didn't matter?' And he answers that he was lying about that. This hurts when you take in count what happened in ch4 post-trial, when Saihara's words hit him like a meteor. Had it been other member of the gang who said those words to him I honestly think it wouldn't have destroyed his facade. It hurt like hell because IT WAS SAIHARA. I'm depressed now.

You’re right, anon! He definitely starts making his neutral sprites when Saihara begins actually getting upset in the love hotel scene and pointing out that Ouma was saying his feelings matter. To Saihara, Ouma’s inexplicable switching from one mood to another and his flippancy actually hurts, because as a detective Saihara is trying to figure him out but also feels like even if he succeeded, Ouma wouldn’t take him seriously anyway.

And Ouma seems to realize that he definitely crossed a line with this one person in particular who he actually kind of sort of wants to figure him out (even though he also doesn’t want it, because that would simultaneously jeopardize all his plans and ruin his cool flippant phantom thief façade where he doesn’t have to commit to anything ever), and that’s why he starts getting serious in the middle of that scene.

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