So there’s one bit near the end of the Genocide Run that hit me pretty hard, personally. And as with most things that hit me very hard emotionally, it was a random almost throwaway line that wasn’t written to be focused on that much. But whether it intentionally held the meaning I took from it or not, it doesn’t change the fact that I DID take meaning from it.
When Flowey is monologuing near the very very end of the game and explaining what he went through, he talks about how he lacks the ability to feel anything for the people around him, and how desperately, frantically, he wishes he did. He talks about how, at first, he tried to help people. He talks about how at first it seemed to help, but every time it was time to let go, to move on, he got scared and couldn’t do it. He’d panic and reset instead. And how then he’d be right back where he started. And he would try helping everyone again.
But it became hollow. Everyone always said the exact same things, and did the exact same things. And nothing changed. And nothing new ever happened.
And eventually, just out of sheer desperation for SOMETHING new, he decided to kill everyone. And how that was at first a relief, but even that grew stale and empty as he did it over and over again. Until he was left with nothing, and there was nothing to care about, either for better or worse, but he couldn’t let go either. So he was trapped in this world where nothing ever changed, and he couldn’t make himself leave.
It’s a sad story, but it’s also a bit of a gut punch because of its implications.
Maybe in time, the person playing the game, the actual human being behind the keyboard, not the pixel character they control, would find themselves in the exact same situation. Eventually, things in a game stop changing. Characters always say the same things, do the same things. And maybe in time, as boredom takes over, the player would also try a genocide game just for SOMETHING new. But eventually even that will become empty and lead to nowhere after you do it enough.
I can’t really say if that’s true or not. I can’t say it’s false either.
But It’s 2 years now. And a lot of us are still here. And more importantly a lot of us still care. Quite deeply in fact.
And maybe we won’t care forever, maybe the same thing will happen, or more likely, we’d be the ones able to let go and move on to other things and let go. Maybe there’s no escaping that.
But it’s been 2 years, and at least for now, we’re still here.
There is also the possibility I’ve considered, that since the insane success of the game was never expected or anticipated at all, that the level of love it caused in gamers was a complete and utter surprise, maybe their ability to never fall into that cycle of apathy and just how long they can keep going, caring as hard as ever, will also be a complete surprise that was never foreseen.
Or even more simply, maybe Flowey just needed to be shown, as with so many things, he was wrong about that too.
Who knows. Honestly I can’t say how things will look in time. It could either way.
I’ve had this in my head since reading chapter 8. I cannot really art, and what even are your eyebrows, Cestino? but I had to get it out of my system, and it wouldn’t have worked as a text post or chat.
I’ve finally depleted my stock of stupid posts about UMFB&MHA, at least until Sunday. Welp. So soon. Am I even ready?
Well, everything is falling apart. I'm barley going to school, I spend most of my days laying in bed, laid in my own self loathing. I feel empty everyday and I'm getting tired of it. I think about ever little embarrassing thing that happened over 2-4 years ago and cringe at myself....everyday.
I'm fucking exhausted, and I still can't sleep at night.
Sometimes it feels like I'm not even here, and it's like I lost myself somewhere along this dark, muddy path.
I can't stop thinking about my past traumas, my hair is falling out, my mood is getting lower, my future seems to be getting more bleak.
I have a suicide plan already in place.
Because I fucking hate myself, I hate what I've become, and I hate everything about this world.
there’s something that i’ve been thinking about, that i’m sure someone somewhere else has already vocalized better but…
let’s talk about how much of a hero zevran is, and how much he doesn’t realize it.
in dialogue with him, he mentions that the crows bought him as a child to start training him. and later, if you take him into the fade his dream is of him being tortured as a part of his training. now, while zevran processes his own trauma by being very blunt and blase about it, there’s no reason to believe that this wasn’t the status quo for most of the crows.
in fact i imagine they have a habit of recruiting elven children in particular, because elves are so often looked down on and ignored in most cities. makes it a lot easier to hear things they’re not supposed to, and get close to people.
but zevran is also the first member of the antivan crows (that i know about at least) to actively abandon them. now, arguably, at first he does it because he fails his mission to kill the warden. he can’t go back to them in disgrace, or they’ll kill him outright. but then you get to denerim, where taleisan (sp?) offers zev the chance to kill the warden then and there, and come back.
and what does he do? regardless of whether you romanced him, if you and zev were friends he refuses. and it’s not a practical decision, but purely emotional; the warden is his friend, is someone he cares greatly about, who he’s witnessed doing great and amazing and wonderful things even in the midst of the blight. zev realized that there was more to life than just killing people for money, that the crows didn’t need to control him, and he can make his own choices.
and instead of just cutting all ties with the crows, when it would be easier to avoid them, he turns and takes the fight back to them. sends a message point blank that they can no longer control them, he won’t allow it.
now, imagine how that must seem to the other crows, to the other kids that were taken from similar or worse situations, the ones that had to be broken and reshaped into a new tool designed to serve whatever purpose the crows set for them. some of the crows thrive, and become quite well renown and wealthy, but not all of them viewed it as a smart career move.
but they learn about what zevran has done, and it gives them the courage to leave the crows as well. it shows them that they can have choices too, they’re real, and alive, and their existence has an intrinsic value.
like, yes zev is a hero because he was there to stop the blight. but to those few ex-crows, he’s so much more. he’s a hero because he was one of them, and he had the courage to break away, to take his life into his own hands.
so just imagine one day zevran meets another of those ex-crows, and they’re in awe of him, so grateful, and just “you’re my hero”
I was naive in thinking people will actually respect what I asked of them and stop asking about updates, but it’s 6am and I woke up to an inbox full of “when are you updating sin city?”, “what are you updating next?”, etc. I’m closing my ask box and I won’t be posting anything. I’m sorry, but I’ve really tried to stay active on Tumblr despite everything, but some people just suck the fun right out of it.
I will be back when I have enough time for writing and when I feel okay enough to deal with this. And when I get back, I will start blocking people who keep insisting on updates, this I promise. I’ve been asking nicely for months and nobody cares, so I need to change my approach if I want to keep this my happy place. If that means blocking disrespectful and entitled people, so be it.
I hope you’re all happy and safe, and I hope it stays that way! Love you lots! 🌸☀️💕
Thirdly: I am doing this more for the sake of my upcoming fic, Cherchez la Femme, which I have been working on for MONTHS–probably since Septemberish–than I am for Napoli. Also doing this for the sake of other authors who may feel this way, but don’t want to say anything for fear of making people mad. I personally am tired of dealing with my own anxiety about this subject, so I’m getting this off my chest.
I am exceedingly frustrated by the majority of attitudes (or non attitudes) I see towards anything that is not a one-shot on here. ESPECIALLY if it’s smut.
I like smut. I love smut. I’ve read some really good smut on here. But… that’s not all I’ve read on here. When I first got on Tumblr, I found some really unique and interesting fics, and I got very invested in them. But lately, the majority of what I’ve been seeing on this site is the same damn thing, over and over and over again. Smut one shots, no plot, no character development, no nothing. Those fics I was invested in were discontinued (temporarily, I hope) in favor of smut one shots, which, like I said, I don’t mind, but ya know… I also do.
Authors are capable of writing more than smut one shots.
Authors are capable of writing more than smut one shots. And many of them do write more than smut one shots. But I have seen two (2) of the multi-part fics I follow being seriously reblogged. That’s out of A LOT that I happen to read and like. One of my favorites got put on hiatus because there were no reads on the most recent chapter at the time.
Tumblr, seriously, what is going on? Like, I recognize that we all want to imagine ourselves having sex with some version of Sebastian Stan (ME TOO, I AM NOT EXCLUDING MYSELF FROM THAT GROUP) but some of these people have worked ages, ages on these fics. With well-developed characters and plot and settings and serious issues that are worked through. THESE PEOPLE I READ SHOULD WRITE ORIGINAL CONTENT AND GET PUBLISHED. In my world, they would. Because they are that good.
And yet, they get almost no recognition. And it frustrates me, and scares me, and makes me really, really sad. Some might say, “Tumblr is more (something else) than fanfic for me”–which is fine. Please engage in whatever joy may have brought you to Tumblr. But also remember that for others, it IS about fanfic, and they enjoy doing that just as much as you enjoy doing whatever you do. So hit the like button every once in a while. Read more fics of your favorite characters. Some might say, “I have –something that gives me a shorter attention span–, I can’t remember what happened before this chapter/can’t concentrate enough to get through a whole fic in the time I have”–in which case, you are fine, don’t worry about it, not a big deal. Some of you may say, “Works in progress are annoying, I hate waiting for new parts to come out”–and trust me, I’m right there with you. I’m waiting on a few new parts for fics myself (I’m also waiting for Diana Gabaldon’s next Outlander book, goddammit), but that doesn’t stop me from reading and commenting on the parts that are there! Tell the author that you have something to look forward to until the next part comes out! Also, TELL THE AUTHOR IF YOU ARE WAITING FOR THEM TO COMPLETE IT, or ask to be tagged in the final masterlist! We won’t mind if you do it that way! Some of you may just hate longer fics and there’s nothing anybody can do to change that. In which case, whatever floats your boat.
I’m not getting on anyone in the above paragraph to suddenly change your preferences and start reading fics with more than two parts. What I am saying, though, is if you consume, but don’t comment AND reblog (or at least tag and reblog), or if you don’t consume at all and blatantly ignore what authors are putting out there… come on, guys. We put our heart and souls into this stuff. Some of the stuff we write is taken from real life. Some people don’t have anything but their writing to help them get through what may be a really bad stage. Likes, comments, reblogs–writers need these. We don’t all have to be JK Rowling here, but we do hope to see that someone smiles or laughs, or cries, or feels in some way with our fics.
One of my friends on here was very sad a couple of days ago because she was getting very few notes on even her one-shots, or reblogs with no comments. She has 700+ followers and a taglist that’s a mile long. It made me sad for her, and I can’t even hug her because she lives far away from me. Readers, you don’t have to comment or reblog every chapter of a fic that’s been written, it’s really okay if you don’t, but let the reader know that you like it and acknowledge the work that’s been done.
I’m still relatively tiny on here, and I definitely need to follow more blogs, so I will now go looking. But, indulge me for a second: If, when I publish Cherchez, I deem it as not getting enough notes, I will make a goddamn video of myself deleting the thing off my computer and burning the damn notebooks. I started by writing this stuff for me. Napoli ended up being about someone I know who recently died. Cherchez was what I wrote when I was coming out of a breakdown. So yes, I write for myself. But as soon as I put it up here, it becomes yours. You consume it, you feel because of it. So really, guys, read all the smut you want. I know I’m going to. But read more than smut, too.
Someone who is a teeny bit oversmutted
(If you want to, you can check my tags for more info)