i think i might be a day late on this

I think I might log off for a few days. My anxiety has been a bit too draining lately, and I need to figure out how to better cope with it.

Just wanted to thank you all for being exactly who you are. You guys are the kindest souls.

A special shoutout to you @taylorswift for being the kindest of them all. Thank you for being my main inspiration and for reminding me to be kind to myself. I love you so much! ❤️

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26 october 2016 - glendale, az

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some holly doodles to wind down for the night…..she would 100% be a hippie

VIRGO: So, you’re finally figuring out where the pieces of your life are supposed to fit together and ‘relief’ is a bit of an understatement. There was a time in which your existence felt a lot like trying to finish a puzzle while blindfolded: all of the parts within reach yet, still so far away. But you kept going and you found yourself again and I hope that you’re proud. I hope that when you go to sleep at night you feel comfortable with your decisions and all of the things you’ve been strong enough to overcome. I can’t promise that you won’t find yourself faced with broken things in need of fixing again, but I can promise that you’ll be able to put it back together. You always do.

LIBRA: It seems like every time you leave the house nowadays you brace yourself for impact, which is another way of saying that you’ve had to abandon being soft in order to survive. You’ve had to use your voice to ask for things that your earlier self would’ve shoved under the carpet. And while that’s definitely something to be proud of, the strength you’ve found within yourself, don’t let that close you off to all of the joy that accompanies being kind and open. It’s possible to stand your ground with open palms; asking for what you deserve and embracing the gentler aspects of life aren’t mutually exclusive. They never will be unless you let them.

SCORPIO: I know that it’s hard to refrain from comparing yourself to every person you meet, but you have to remember that not everybody has had the same background as you. Not everybody understands the feeling that comes with being told you’re not good enough, or the feeling of realizing that the people you thought were friends had been bringing you so far down that your back was flat against the floor. You haven’t fallen behind or lost your way just because you’ve had to take a few detours in order to find yourself. You’re trying your best, and your best is more than good enough. Someday you’ll be grateful that you kept on fighting.

SAGITTARIUS: Recently you felt the spark that can only ever mean something is beginning; it’s unfortunate that sometimes this also indicates that another thing is ending. And while that’s typically sad, an event you’re bound to mourn, every closed door is an opportunity to turn yourself around and have an experience that you wouldn’t normally. Eras will end as you continue to grow into yourself, and that doesn’t mean that they’re THE end. Be self-aware and work some more on loving yourself as you embrace these fresh starts and their accompanying lifestyle changes; there’s nothing shameful about being a fan of yourself.

CAPRICORN: One of the hardest things you’ll ever have to learn is that sometimes people leave and there isn’t a reason or a motive behind it, they just go. And that doesn’t mean that you did anything to instigate this, or that you push where others pull; it just means that because of whatever external reason, something wasn’t quite right. There’s no reason to make lists of all the people that you feel you’ve driven away when there are others beside you that are supportive, wanting only to shower you in the affection that you dole out so generously. The way that your peers choose to exit your life is always going to be a choice that they make themselves. You are not a burden.

AQUARIUS: You don’t have to treat every beautiful thing that waltzes into your path as if it’s temporary, bound to disappear as soon as you look away. I know that it’s hard to take good fortune with anything other than a grain of salt after everything you’ve lost, but perpetually being in a state of worry when you have no reason to be so is ridiculous. Your potential for happiness is so much greater than you’re allowing yourself to have. There aren’t limits or rules when it comes to the progress you make and the people you invite into your life. If you spend all of your time walking on eggshells, you’ll never able to leave your mark. Be bold. Be genuine.

PISCES: You’ve been taking happy vibes to the next level lately and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. I know occasionally you start thinking that maybe you don’t deserve to be feeling this light, or that there are more pressing aspects of your life that you should be devoting your attention to, but what you’re doing right now is more than okay. It’s encouraged, in fact. Try not to hold yourself to a higher standard than you would hold the people that you love to. The perfectionist that shows up within you very once in awhile to make unnecessary comments about your progress isn’t the boss of you, you’re the boss of it. Allow yourself to be happy without any strings attached.

ARIES: It always takes time to adjust to a situation that you’ve never been in before, especially when you’re doing it all by yourself. Don’t forget that you’ve seen and conquered cities much bigger than this one. I know that everything in you wants to make a snap judgement regarding whether or not you like the direction you’re walking in, but try to refrain from doing so too soon as it could change your perception of an otherwise lovely experience. Give this road a chance before re-routing and switching courses altogether. Listen to your gut, you know more than anybody else what will benefit you most in the long run.

TAURUS: Are your days really blurring together, or are you so afraid of feeling something new that you’re hiding behind the safety of monotony? Sure, you’re stuck in more than a couple of ways, nobody’s denying that you’ve faced more than your share of quicksand. But something you should consider is how your actions play into that. I think there’s a sort of comfort in being stationary, as you know exactly what to expect, but I also think that you deserve a better quality of life than you’re currently getting and some of the responsibility for changing that rests on your shoulders. Try something new this month and see what happens next.

GEMINI: The heat of summer has peaked and descended and you’re finally able to leave the house without getting burned. This means that it’s time to refamiliarize yourself with your surroundings, because in the midst of life and all its trials I think you’ve forgotten about what’s in front of you. Examining the ground that your feet touch day after day, with eyes that are wise and observant and actually looking, can lead to revelations about yourself. I know that you’ve felt the holes in your life as of late and you’ve been looking for something to fill them, and the materials to do this are closer than you think. You might already be holding them.

CANCER: It’s really easy to overthink your choices when you’ve become accustomed to exposing the soft parts of yourself only to be handled roughly and without the right amount of care. And yet despite your history of hurt you’re still choosing to try again, which says a lot more about you than other people’s actions ever could. Nobody is going to hate you for laying bare your heart and soul, and if they do then that means they don’t deserve to see it anyways. You are allowed to feel proud of your accomplishments and you’re allowed to be vocal about it. Don’t be hesitant with self praise and accepting it from others. Everyone’s rooting for you.

LEO: Your environment lately has been hectic, to say the least, and that’s starting to take a toll on you more than you can probably see. I know that it feels as though you don’t have time to take a break, and that in order to cross-off every task on your never-ending to-do list you need to constantly be on the run, but that’s just your anxiety talking. While time is a constant wave that we’re all riding, that doesn’t mean you can’t lay back and enjoy the view as you float. Caring for yourself will never be detrimental to your progress, as the health of your mind and body are crucial when it comes to success. Give yourself a break for not being a superhero.

anonymous asked:

Forgive me if you've been asked this already but at what moment do you think Clarke fell in love with Lexa, or realized she was in love with her? I believe Eliza had trouble answering this at a con (I think she said it was before the bow though) so I'm wondering what you think.

Mmm that’s hard to say, and honestly, that’s kinda what I love about it. Because you can’t always exactly pinpoint the moment you fall in love with someone, right? Maybe it’s a feeling that grows gradually but unstoppable, maybe it’s like a wave hitting you at once, it varies. And that’s how I think it was for Clarke.

The way I see it, it was sudden for her at first and then everything slowed down and it naturally developed. It wasn’t love yet in the beginning, but there was definitely a realization that she had feelings for Lexa. Just look at her face after storming out of Lexa’s tent in 2x14. 

Why else would she looked so bothered? If she had just been upset about their argument she would have had an angry face. Instead she looks like she’s literally trying to physically restrain her feelings, whatever they may be. She takes that deep, shaky breath in an attempt to collect herself because, what the hell just happened inside that tent? Did Lexa really just confess she has feelings for me? And why does it affect me so much? What am I feeling? This is what I think is going through her mind. And then of course we have the confirmation of this, when she gladly replies to Lexa’s kiss. Even after she rejects her, there is no indication of that being a definitive rejection. There is no feeling of “I’m sorry, but I don’t reciprocate.” Clarke is not ready for a relationship, and it’s right that she was honest with Lexa, but she rejects her in literally the softest way possible, AND leaves the door open for the future. Not yet. That means she already sees herself considering a relationship with Lexa in the future, after healing, when she’s finally ready. And look at how tender and somewhat tamely longing her gaze is even after she rejected Lexa.

She is definitely aware of her feelings for Lexa here. But then the betrayal happens and ah, they take 46 steps back.

Now, of course, Lexa’s betrayal causes Clarke to close herself off. Clarke is angry at Lexa, she’s angry at herself, she’s in pain, every other feeling pales in comparison. And obviously, so much of Clarke’s suffering is tied to what Lexa did, so it’s definitely not a surprise that romance is out of the question when they first meet again. Clarke’s pain is consuming her, she is definitely not thinking about whatever she and Lexa had. And yet…

This isn’t a romantic moment by any means. But we’re talking about Clarke realizing she loves Lexa, and I don’t think we can’t gloss over this moment. When I say that I don’t romanticize this scene, it’s because this is not a cute moment. This isn’t a “oh my God, she loves her!” moment, this moment is sad. It’s painful, it’s heartbreaking, but it’s so damn important. Clarke can’t kill Lexa here. How much easier would it be for her to shut her heart out entirely, to blame Lexa for everything and just kill her without feeling anything? I bet in that moment, a part of Clarke wants that. But Clarke feels, and she feels for Lexa. She has these feelings and they won’t go away, not even when she’s at her lowest. So yeah, not a romantic moment, but definitely essential to understand Clarke’s complicated feelings for Lexa.

After the bow, Clarke is a little more trusting towards Lexa, but she’s definitely still closed off, she’s not ready to expose her heart yet. And we get to the “I’m doing it for my people” episode, 3x04. Right from the very beginning, Clarke spends the entire episode trying to find a way to keep Lexa safe, to protect her. But every single time she voices her concerns to Lexa or hell, even Titus, her preoccupation feels far more personal than political. She’s worried, she’s agitated, she even seems angry that Lexa won’t listen to her and step away from the duel. It’s a crescendo of apprehension and frustration and anxiousness as every single one of Clarke’s attempts fails, crescendo that culminates in an emotional explosion.

The second gif is particularly telling. Titus interrupts them, the moment is gone and Clarke finds herself having to face what just happened. Look at her face, at how she looks away from Lexa and sucks a breath through her teeth. She’s restraining her feelings, but she’s a little too late this time. And it’s not only Lexa who is shaken by Clarke’s emotional outburst, it’s Clarke herself too. She doesn’t catch herself in time and now she can’t pretend with herself that those feelings aren’t there. I think this is when the true first “shift” after the betrayal happens. Clarke wants to keep Lexa at arm’s length but Lexa might very well die that same day and, despite any resolution she had, the thought terrifies Clarke. And she’s so scared that she’s never going to see Lexa again that…

I could write an essay on all the emotions Clarke experiences before and throughout and at the end of Lexa’s duel, but the gist of it is that during this tense moment, with Lexa’s life on the line, she can’t bring herself to hide her feelings. It’s all there, on her face. 

Only when things settle down she is able to collect herself again. Lexa comes visit her that night and we see Clarke pull her walls up again. “I was just doing what was right for my people.” BUT! Even if Clarke is not ready to open up her heart again, that scene is infused with intimacy. Even Clarke’s “rejection” is filled with emotion.

Clarke is the opposite of cold here. The way I see it, she is pulling away because she’s realizing she’s close to giving in, but she’s not yet ready for that. It’s so clear that here Lexa is talking about what happened at Mount Weather too, this is another quiet apology that Clarke obviously recognizes. If she went with her feelings, Clarke would have to admit that she does understand Lexa, that in her heart maybe she’s already forgiven her. But in that moment it’s too overwhelming, so she looks away and avoids the conversation, avoids Lexa’s gaze, avoids having to focus on her feelings.

She literally keeps having to look away because things get too intense but at the same time there’s a tenderness in her eyes that she can’t hide. And once Lexa is gone and she can breathe… bam

All the feelings she restrained, everything she tried to hide merely minutes ago hits her full force. I said I think Clarke’s love for Lexa developed gradually, naturally, but if I had to pick a specific moment and say that’s when Clarke realized she’s in love with Lexa, it would be this one.

By the time we get to 3x06, I do believe Clarke knows and has accepted she is in love with Lexa, but she’s still struggling to admit it out loud, especially to Lexa. That episode happens roughly 7-10 days after the events of Hakeldama, and when we see Clarke and Lexa again, they are closer than ever. There is a sense of intimacy, of almost domesticity between them. They are comfortable with each other’s presence. There’s not really a reason for them being in the same room in that scene: Lexa fell asleep while reading and Clarke is drawing (there are other sheets in her folder, which makes me think she was drawing other things before focusing on Lexa). They don’t have to talk or interact, they simply are together.

When Lexa wakes up from the nightmare, Clarke doesn’t hesitate to jump next to her and comfort her, with soothing touches and calming, reassuring words. And then we get to the moment Lexa notices the drawing. A lot has been said about Lexa’s face, but instead look at Clarke’s.

This is the exact opposite of what I was talking about in 3x04. Lexa sees the drawing and is taken aback. That she doesn’t know whether she should hope for anything is another story, but the look she gives Clarke is very telling. And Clarke doesn’t avoid it. Yes, her first instinct is to play it off as something meaningless. “Uh, that’s not- it’s not finished yet.” But then Lexa looks at her, confused, surprised, a tiny bit hopeful, and Clarke meets her gaze and they just stare at each other. Look at that little pause she does before lifting her eyes. That’s when she chooses not to hide. As I said, I think that here Clarke has come to terms with her feelings for Lexa, but here for the first time, she doesn’t hide them from Lexa. Her look is just as telling as Lexa’s. They aren’t saying a word and this is one of their most honest, important conversations. Clarke is silent, but her eyes are speaking, her untold feelings are there, and maybe letting Lexa know isn’t so unfathomable anymore. Maybe, maybe Clarke this is the closest Clarke has been to being ready.

So this is what i think. The way I see it, it’s tricky and complicated and simply beautiful.

Part 6 of my Studyblr University Orientation Week

I see a lot of people on studyblr talking about dealing with stress and anxiety over grades and perfectionism, but not a lot of discussion of being mentally ill and in university/college. So if you’re looking for stress reduction stuff, this post is not for you. This is for my mentally ill peeps. 

I just want to preface this with a little disclaimer. This is based on my own experience. I have depression, anxiety, ADD and OCD. I don’t know everything. I still have a lot of trouble coping, particularly with the last two as they were only recently diagnosed. This is just meant to be a few useful tips that might help a little bit. 

  • Go see a therapist. Even if you think you’re doing okay, it’s still good to have that support system there if you need it. Your therapist can also give you coping mechanisms that are tailored to your specific needs. They may also suggest you go on medication or refer you to a doctor who can prescribe it. 

  • If you are taking medication, set a reminder on your phone so that you take it at the same time every day. 

  • Set about sixteen alarms in the morning, starting half an hour before you want to wake up and spread about five to ten minutes apart. If you’re anything like me and have a lot of trouble getting to sleep, you probably have a lot of trouble getting up in the morning. This technique is a lifesaver. Also change up the alarm ~once a month. I find that my body gets used to it after a while and I just sleep right through it. 

  • Register with your school’s disability services. Yes, your mental illness is a disability. They’ll be able to help with accommodations (this could be anything from extra time on exams to extensions on your assignments). 

  • If you think that you might be handing in a paper late because depression is kicking your ass, message your professor at least a week in advance. If you tell them two days before, they’re not going to care. And if you end up not needing the extension, that’s okay. It’s better for it to be there if you need it. 

  • Headphones. Everywhere. People are stupid and loud and it’s overwhelming as fuck. Wear them right up until the prof starts lecturing. Do NOT wear them during the lecture though, your prof will hate you - though you may be able to discuss it with your prof the first week. idk, maybe you have cool profs who get it. 

  • Make a friend in your class that you can get notes from in case you can’t get out of bed. I mean this is good for anyone in case of illness in general, but yeah. Depression. Woohoo. 

  • It’s okay if you need to take a lighter course load because of your mental health. Loads of people do it. 

  • Related: It’s okay if you take 5+ years to complete your degree. You’ll get there. 

  • AD(H)D friends who stim: That’s super great and you totally should. But please do not leg bounce when you’re at a desk that has all the chairs connected to it. You will shake everybody’s seat and distract them. I get the urge to leg bounce (fuck, I’m leg bouncing rn) but please try a different stim if you could. Or bounce gently. Just no earthquakes (no joke, I literally thought it was an earthquake once and was super confused why no one else was panicking. i learned nothing that day, I was so distracted). 

  • Fidget toys are the best things ever and you can use them in lecture (provided they don’t make too much noise because your prof might yell at you for that). 

  • Bathrooms are your new best friend for panic attacks. Hide in a stall and take a few deep breaths to calm down. There’s a lot less noise there and you’re less likely to be disturbed than if you go to a stairwell. 

  • Breathe in for 5, hold for 5, out for 7. 

  • 5-4-3-2-1: Find five things in the room that are blue. Four things that are yellow. Three that are pink. Two that are purple. One that is green. You can substitute this with any colours you like. You can also do ones like “think of five things that start with f (and so on)” or “five tv shows that you like, four books, etc.” if you’re somewhere without a lot of colours (or in your handy bathroom stall). Repeat with new criteria or new answers until calm. 

  • If you’ve been crying and don’t want people to know: grab some paper towels, run some cold water on them. Wipe your eyes with them. Pat your cheeks with them. It makes less of a mess than splashing your face will and I find that it helps me a lot more. 

  • Schedule the shit out of your life. You won’t forget important meetings or things like eating dinner (whoops). 

  • Make sure that you give yourself plenty of breaks during the day. Gotta conserve that energy, yo. 

  • Find out when the library’s quietest and grab your books then. Same deal with the bookstore at the beginning of the year and buying your books. Please, the bookstore is scary when it’s busy. Save yourself. 

  • Frozen dinners are cheap, easy to make, and require next to no energy. Same with cereal, ramen, and most pasta. And egg sandwiches (two eggs, hot sauce, and mayonnaise. Best thing ever.). 

  • Great questions to ask the people who sit next to you in class: What’s your name (preface this with “Hi, I’m *blank*”)? What are you studying? Where are you from? How are you liking the class? 

  • If you’re having trouble getting started, try for ten minutes. You may find that it’s easy to keep going after that. Or maybe you’ll need to stop but at least you’ll have gotten ten minutes of work in. 

  • You’re doing great. This is a really hard thing that you’re doing right now, but you’ve got it. 
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Sometimes you just gotta drop everything and draw the ot3. You just gotta.

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Eavhen looks at the ensemble set before her and feels something roil within her.

“No.”

“No?” Josephine repeats, obviously startled. “Inquisitor, it’s important that we show a united-”

“I understand that, and we’ll come up with something that fits, but…” Eavhen takes a breath and straightens her spine. She’s postured enough by now. “I go as the leader of the Inquisition, of course. But I also will not go to Halamshiral and let them forget that I am Dalish and proud.”

Painting the rest of her body to match her vallaslin may be a bit overdramatic, but she thinks she’s allowed that much by now.

Welp. We went to see Wonder Woman. I cried during the sad parts and some of the other parts. They were the same kind of tears I had on and off through Ghostbusters. Movies with strong women who are fully realized people who are allowed to be sexual but are not sexualized and can also kick ass just make me cry randomly. Though TBH I also cry in LotR when anyone picks up their sword and runs into battle screaming the name of their home. I didn’t even realize how ravenous I was for a female version of that.

On Talent and Success

Over the last few months, I’ve been noticing something.

I’ve been seeing writers who are less talented than others find more success.

At the same time, I’ve become more aware of talented writers, smart writers, or passionate writers who sort of drift away.

Since I left high school, I’ve come in contact with a lot of people who dream of being writers. And over the years, I’ve seen many educated and intense aspiring authors … just stop pursuing. Sometimes these are people who have all the right personal qualities to succeed. They are sharp, driven, dedicated, passionate, and they have critical thinking skills. Sure, they may need more practice, but that comes with time. Perhaps, though, it is because they are so intense and critical, they stop believing they can succeed. They don’t think they can actually “make it.”

A few weeks ago, I was talking with a family member about the fact that we as human beings often (and sometimes unknowingly) limit ourselves and what we can accomplish. Mentally, almost silently, we think, I can’t do this, and in just believing that, we cut short our abilities. The mental energy we spend thinking about what we can’t do takes away from the mental energy we could use simply pursuing what we want or need to do.

What’s strange is that over time, I’ve seen people who appear to lack a skill or quality find more professional success than their peers. They might win an award. Get a steady readership. Make more professional sales than people of higher writing abilities. I don’t think this is because the world has gone all topsy-turvy. I think it’s because these people don’t limit themselves as much, in that way. Maybe they are blind to their weaknesses, or maybe they aren’t. Whatever the case, they don’t let those weaknesses hold them back. They don’t let fear of not being good enough hold them back.

Lately I’ve been thinking about people I’ve met, in college, in day-to-day life, wherever, and how some could be doing what they dreamed of doing, if they simply pursued it a bit more carefreely as some of the people I meet at writing conferences do. But they never gave themselves permission.

Of course, life happens, and priorities can happen. Everyone writes differently and every writing career is different. I’m not saying we need to run out of our houses and throw crappy first drafts out everywhere. I’m just saying give yourself the permission to jump in. For some, that might mean allowing yourself to begin taking writing seriously–to take yourself serious as a writer. For others it might mean finally submitting a story somewhere. For another, it might mean allowing yourself to self-publish. For someone else it might mean allowing yourself to write and enjoy writing.

On occasions, I have talked to instructors that say the most talented people are the ones who are hardest on themselves. And it makes sense. They have a strong eye for criticism. They expect a lot out of their work. They demand a lot of themselves. And they don’t settle. In contrast, the students who are less talented may be the ones who think they deserve the highest marks in the class. This seems backwards, but it’s often true. This second group ends up pursuing all kinds of avenues, because they believe they deserve it, or simply because they give themselves permission to. They are more likely to find success than the talented person who never submitted, published, or shared anything.

Years ago, a family member and I used to repeat this observation to each other. “Why is so-and-so a bad-a**? Because he thinks he’s a bad-a**.” The idea is that everyone who seems to act like they are awesome and cool are simply that way because they believe they are.

In some sense, that same principle can be applied to other areas. Why is that person a writer? Because she thinks she’s a writer. Why is that person successful? Because he think he’s successful. There are limits to how far this principle can extend, of course, and there are exceptions, but in some ways, following it is like starting on training wheels. It slashes down limits you’ve put on yourself. You are what you are because you believe you are.

Now success might not mean the same thing to everyone. Success to one person might be selling a lot of copies of her book. Success to another person might be being able to write full-time, regardless of exposure. It might be becoming the best current writer in that genre, even if the genre has a small readership, like weird west fiction.

Ideally, we become the best of both groups of students mentioned earlier. People in the first group may need to let themselves take a chance to pursue. People in the second group may need to sharpen their critical eye and dedication, because while they may already have found success, that success will have a ceiling based on their talent.

Whatever kind of writer you hope to be, whether it’s a bestselling, award-winning writer, or fierce fanfiction writer, decide today to give yourself permission to pursue success.

Behind Closed Doors (Steve x reader)

Happy Smut Saturday! Oh my god, I’m going to keep this thing going. Of course, I will post smut on any given day, but I will save the smuttiest of smut for Saturday nights. I hope you enjoy this very kinky and very smutty oneshot. I thought I’d give Steve some love, since he’s been lacking attention on my feed lately. God bless all your souls after this, you might need some holy water. xoxo

Masterlist

Description: Everyone thinks Steve is this sweet and gentlemanly guy that goes by his morals and honor. That is true. But, obviously, they aren’t intimate with him like you are. As his girlfriend, you can confidently say that he is no gentleman in the bedroom. 

Warnings: SMUT. DADDY KINK. ROPE BUNNY. (or would it be belt bunny?) ANYWAYS IT’S LITERALLY ALL SMUT. Oh, and cursing, along with unprotected sex (be careful out there)


“You got lucky, F/N. Steve’s a true gentleman. You honestly can’t find guys like that anymore. They’re all dick bags.” Natasha rolled her eyes. 

“Maybe it’s because he’s been preserved for seventy years?” You chuckled, shaking you head slightly. 

“That’s true. I wish there were more guys like him to pull out of the ice, so I can have one of my own.” You burst out laughing at what she said, and both of you were about to be rolling on the floor, dying of laughter. Your stomach was beginning to ache, when Steve walked in. 

“Speak of the devil.” Natasha was holding back a laugh, trying to catch her breath. You got up and met him at the door and pressed your hands against his chest, placing a sweet kiss on his lips.

“What’s all the commotion about?” He was leaning against the threshold of the door, a smirk on his face. 

“It’s nothing you need to worry about, babe.” You almost started giggling, but forced it down. “Natasha, we should get going. I’ll see you later.” 

“Alright, you lovebirds. I’ll see you guys later.” She was smirking. You just shook your head at her and waved goodbye, intertwining your hand with Steve’s. It wasn’t a long walk back to your room, it was literally down the hall from her’s. You and Steve shared a room, Tony finally allowing it after two years of dating. 

He opened the door for you, letting you walk in before him. He really was a gentleman, at least in public. But, when that bedroom door closed, he was anything but that. You plopped yourself on the bed, exhausted from the day.

“So, what were you guys talking about?” Steve’s curiosity was peeking through his usually strong, and “know all” demeanor. 

“Natasha was just talking about how I was lucky to have such gentleman for a boyfriend.” You were staring up at the ceiling, laying on your back. You got up on your elbows so you were looking at him. “But, I think we both know that’s not true.” You winked at him, earning a lust filled smirk in return. 

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It’s Shiro’s birthday so I wanted to write something short and nice for him as my writing warm-up today and this happened instead. Well, it’s definitely birthday-themed at least. 

Have I ever told you about my headcanon that Galra naturally have longer lifespans than humans? Happy Birthday, Shiro.


Keith sits on the edge of the bed, eyes cast downwards, mouth drawn up into a straight, tight line. His hands are resting at the drop-off of the sheets on either side of him, fingers curled in towards the mattress, gripped loosely at its corner. His shoulders curve forwards.

Shiro waits a moment or two, wondering if he’ll come out and say what’s bothering him or let it stew silently. Sometimes it’s one, sometimes it’s the other, depending on the matter, and he doesn’t want to push him if Keith’s going to offer it up himself. But after Shiro has finished changing into his sleep pants and Keith still hasn’t looked up at him, he wants to check in.

“Everything okay?” Shiro asks, coming to stand in front of Keith.

Keith’s eyes flicker up to Shiro, then to the Earth calendar drawn up on the wall, then to the clock that reads 11:58, before he says, “Yeah, it’s fine.”

Ah. So that’s what it is.

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Staying Productive while Writing

Anonymous asked: “I’m starting a book and whenever I sit down to write I never know what to put down. Do you have any advice for getting focused/getting ideas flowing? Or just getting in touch with what you’re trying to say?”

Sometimes it can be a struggle to get words on the page. This happens to everyone - most often, when we’re rusty or feeling out of practice. Sometimes, we just procrastinate. There’s no rush to write that scene, so why not put it off until tomorrow? We have all been there. 

The short answer on how to avoid getting into this habit is to simply stop. Easier said than done. I’ve been there many, many times. I was there this past week after I stopped writing for about a week to recover from a virus. Here’s a few techniques to get back into good writing habits: 

Start with writing prompts.  Then, don’t work on an ongoing project, either write out something by hand or even just type a short scene spurred by a prompt. This will help get you back into the swing of things and thinking again like a writer. While I find good prompts just about everywhere, my favorites are Deep Water Prompts (@deepwaterwritingprompts) and Writing Prompts that Don’t Suck (@awesomewritingprompts). 

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Inktober - Day 12 (Hetalia: The Allies)

I have a lot of tests next week, I think I might not complete this challenge ;-; …. I’ll try, but I don’t want to make any promises.

What We once were

I truly hope so much that you like this story. It’s based of what was for months my reality. 

Plot: Y/N is in love with Harry and doesn’t understand why he cuts her off. 

Warnings: Mentions of violent behavior, however not in detail.

Picture isn’t mine which is quite sad. 

It was safe to say that I loved him far too much for my own good. Maybe it was the way he looked at me, eyes wide and full of warmth and with a hint of… wonder. He looked at me as though he was the only one who saw me as me, the person I truly was. And yet at the same time I know now that he also always saw me as somebody I couldn’t possibly be. Somebody I didn’t even want to be and now am glad I never became, even if it resulted in costing me him. To this day I think it was this misperception of his that doomed the two of us to fail.

Harry caused me so much unnecessary pain, forced me through a seemingly infinite amount of sleepless nights.

How had I ever made that man to somebody I cared about so deeply? I truly wish I hadn’t.

….Then.
I stumbled into Harry’s life at a time when the both of us felt terribly out of place. He’d befriended a friend of mine and was soon thrown into a new group of friends, one that I happened to be part of a well. Of course he was on good terms with everybody and held the attention of everyone.

It caught me by surprise when Harry and I became friends. I’d expected to be just as much of a bystander in his life as I was in the lives of the other’s but for some reason he made an effort to know me. I let him of course, gladly in fact since I was just as much pulled under his spell as the rest of us were and greedy for any bit of attention he could spare.

Soon I discovered that he was funny, kind and not half as cocky as he always pretended to be. Harry made me happy. It was far too easy to fall in love with him it happened without me even noticing.

….Now.
It would be nice if this story would turn into one of those that end with the two friends looking closely at each other, smile and then realize at the same time that the partner they had been dreaming of had been right there in front of them all along. What’s more beautiful than mindless flirtations turning into true words of love? I’ll say it right now this is definitely not that kind of story. If anything it’s the opposite.

….Then.
“You should come with us,“ Harry suggested one day.

We were queueing for coffee, something we did at least once a week since he’d introduced me to this part of the city where we’d found what was undoubtedly the best cafe ever. I’d somehow hoped he would invite me to the party tonight, but at the same time I dreaded the thought of going.

I bit my lip. “Wouldn’t I be a bit out of place?“

“Next!“ Moving quickly I informed the barista of our orders and payed for them both before following Harry who’d already walked over to the side of the counter where our coffee’s would be served. He smiled when I followed him.

“Rubbish,“ Harry spoke, grinning at me with that smile I thought about far too often when alone, “You’d just stick to my side like you usually do.“

This idea I liked. Harry’s grin widened when I nodded. “Okay.“

“Great!“

Harry squeezed my shoulder before glancing to our right when’re a beautiful young woman came to a stand, checked something on her phone and then moved to sit down at a table near the wall. A sour taste settled on my tongue and I cleared my throat.

“Only so that somebody’s looking after you, which isn’t a piece of cake,“ I  said, smiling when I successfully distracted his attention away form the pretty female and back to me, “Drunk Harry is a pain in the arse I’ll tell you that much.“

Harry shook his head with arched brows. „Watch it love, ’nother comment like that one and m’gonna pinch you.“

“As if you’d dare,“ I laughed, but shrieked and moved away when his fingers reached out to assault my hips. “Ouch! Be nice!“

We waited another minute or two before he thanked the barista with a warm smile while handing me my coffee.

“How much do I owe you?“ he asked, taking a sip from his mug.

“Don’t worry about it. You payed for both of us last time.“

“Oh, so now you can be nice to me, huh?“ Harry playfully nudged my side with his arm and nodded towards the exit, silently asking for us to leave. Well, less asking than demanding it.

My heart sank a little. I’d hoped we would sit down and enjoy our coffees together and through that prolong our time spent alone with one another, but I assumed he already had other plans.

“I’ll pick you up at ten,“ Harry informed me out on the street, his hand a constant warmth at the small of my back. “That way we’ll be an hour later than everybody else and there when the fun really starts.“

I rolled my eyes. “Sure. Whatever you say.“

“That’s the spirit,“ Harry joked, laughing when I glared at him, “I’ll see you then.“

My heart skipped a beat when he leaned in, lips finding my cheek in a lingering kiss before he allowed his arms to wrap around my waist in a tight embrace. The untamable curls of his tickled my neck when he let his face nuzzle my skin momentarily and I giggled in delight, heart thrumming heavily upon hearing him quietly chuckle.

“I’ll see you later,“ I confirmed, more to myself than to him in order to soften the sting of us having to part, “Bye, Harry.“

I squeezed him to me one more time before letting him release me. He stepped back and for a moment I believed to see something change in his eyes. With a final wave he made his way towards the taxi station nearby while I turned to walk to the nearest bus stop.

..

Harry’s hand was holding mine tightly (his doing, not mine), our fingers intertwined and my heart singing. I smiled and let him pull me with him as he went to say hello to all of the people he knew at the bar, which were many. Nobody questioned our interlaced hands and my cheeks warmed at the thought of people not doubting for a moment that I could belong to Harry’s side.
While Harry spoke to one of his friends my eyes scanned the faces of the people around us and to my distaste found the all too familiar and rather attractive features of Cherry, Her evil eyes glared at me briefly before widening upon noticing Harry, her desire for him as clear to see for everybody as her red painted lips were. I shuddered and turned more into Harry’s side, reminding myself that it was me he’d asked to come with him and not her. I didn’t look but I could feel her angered gaze of jealously on my frame. I couldn’t fight the smile pulling at my lips. The next person I was was Jake, a friend, who smiled and raised his hand in a short wave. I waved back. Him I quite liked.

“Y/N!“

Harry’s eyes found mine briefly before he released my hand and let my friend Lucy embrace me so tightly I could hardly breathe.
When she let go again I was immediately forced into a conversation with her and before I could do anything to stop her she pulled me away and out of Harry’s sight.

The night turned out to be fun though, especially when Harry joined me shortly after saying hello to Cherry and only left my side after an hour when our friend Riley suddenly came hurrying towards us, saying that he needed to talk to Harry. I watched him walk away longingly.

“You know,“ Lucy began while biting onto the blue straw of her drink, “he really likes you.“

“We’re best friends,“ I shrugged, turning to her, “He better like me.“

“No, silly,“ Lucy rolled her eyes and nudged my arm, “I mean he fancies you. Maybe not as much as you do him since you’re practically head over heels for that guy, but still. I’m sure if you were to say anything he’d be happy to go out with you.“

With flushed cheeks I looked around us, hoping nobody had heard her words.

“I don’t want to risk anything,“ I confessed quietly, “I’d rather be his friend than be nothing at all. Besides, it’s the guy who has to take the first step, not the girl.“

At that Lucy laughed loudly, her long hair fell over her shoulders and I briefly admired how pretty she was.

“Welcome to the 21st century, Y/N. And don’t you think he already made the first step? Several times, actually? Think about it. He invited you here to come with him. He escorts you home every time you’re out late with us and he constantly calls or texts you. Jake told me the other day that he drove past the two of you when Harry was walking you home and he didn’t dare stop to say Hi, thinking he might otherwise interrupt something.

“Jake is being funny then,“ I replied, ignoring the heavy squeeze my heart gave, “Harry is like that with many girls.“

“But only with you it is real.“

I didn’t reply any further and did my best to change the subject, silently urging my heart to calm down. I wished Lucy’s words were true. I wanted Harry to adore me as much as I adored him.

….Now.
Harry didn’t adore me as much as I adored him. It was about one week after that night that he told Lucy he hated me. 
Her expression had been one of pity and I could tell it was hard for her to speak the words, fully aware that they would break my heart, but I’d begged her to tell me what it was I had done to make Harry draw away from me. And that was all she got out of him.
Harry hated me, wanted nothing to do with me and felt as though he had absolutely no place for me in his life anymore. 
And while my world shattered at his sudden change of heart, he seemingly stayed unaffected.

“What can I say,“ Lucy recalled his words were, “I guess when one door closes, another one opens.“

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

….Then.
I continued to speak to Lucy and drink, though I made sure not to get drunk so I would be sober should Harry decide to get wasted. I was to keep my word and take care of him, which I didn’t mind at all.

“Can’t believe you’re doing this for him,“ Lucy said, brows arched, “Make sure that he’s actually drunk this time.“

I rolled my eyes, remembering with a foul taste in my mouth when Harry had pretended to be drunk and forced me to drag him home, making me then walk back to my apartment alone and in the middle of the night only to later on reveal that it had all been an act.

“Wanted to see if you were a good friend or not,“ Harry had laughed after humiliating me in front of everybody, “And you passed!“

It hurt me how easily he could play with my feelings for him and I know that I should have left him then. But of course I had instead forgiven Harry without thinking about it twice.

We were interrupted by a guy named Cory. His tall figure loomed over the two of us and he looked very much out of breath. Though he didn’t know me it was my face his eyes instantly found.

“Y/N, right? You need to come with me. Now.“

I was grabbed without further explanation and dragged with such quick steps it was difficult for me to keep up. I was confused and wondered what a guy I didn’t even knew could want from me.

Though when we reached outside I realized it wasn’t Cory who needed something from me, but Jake.

My good and kind friend Jake was crying. His body shook and his face resembled the color of a sheet of paper. The blue of his eyes was swimming in tears and the evident fear in his orbs frightened me. My stomach turned when I noticed how his right cheek shone with a flaming shade of red. I stumbled towards him, heart beating heavily in my chest.

“Jake, what-“

“Y/N. No.“

I flinched at Harry’s rough words and when my surprised eyes met his I froze. With his back stood against the brick wall of the building I hadn’t noticed his presence at first but now that I looked at him not even the dark could hide the heavy movements of his chest, the raw anger in his burning eyes. Instantly my worry was for him.

“Harry? What happened?“

My eyes wandered down and the racing of my heart increased at the sight of his trembling fingers, the knuckles of his hand already swollen.

I moved towards him and reached out for his arm before my brain could catch up. “Oh god, Harry, are you alright?“

Tears threatened to form at the sight of the one I loved in pain. Harry gently squeezed my fingers.

“I’m okay, love, don’t worry. Go. I don’t need you to see this.“ This time his tone was kind.

I turned to look at Jake. He’d shrunk back when I’d moved to stand by Harry’s side instead of his and I noticed how his tears increased, smearing his flaming cheek. I didn’t understand and desperately searched for answers in Harry’s face, but his expression had already hardened again. It was when his dark eyes found Jake’s trembling form that I realized what had happened. There was no kindness in his stare.

I let go of Harry’s hand and stepped back. “Harry, what did you do?“

Jake sobbed, breaking my heart further. I felt tears burn my eyes and roll onto my cheeks before I could stop them and I turned to look at the friend I felt was like my brother. With my entirety shaking I stepped closer and tried to reach for his hand.

“Are you okay?“ It was a stupid question to ask somebody who was so clearly devastated.

Jake nodded.

“Y/N,“ Harry growled form behind me, “Leave him be and go back inside. You have no business here so stay out of it.“

His voice was back to being harsh.

Still I pressed on.

“Did Harry do that?“

I didn’t need Jake’s nod to know the answer to my question.

It wasn’t the first time I’d been a witness to Harry’s short temper. He’d lashed out at people before my eyes more times than I liked to admit, but never before at one of our friends.
Never somebody we cared about. 

At first he would always scream and if the person confronted then didn’t step back, Harry would let his muscular physic do the talking.
I’d been so frightened when it had happened for the first time as I before that incident only knew him as a kind, warm and loving guy who did everything he could for his friends. Upon meeting him I wouldn’t have ever believed he’d be the type to solve his problems with physical strength, but over time I’d learned that if you push the false buttons, he could get as angry as a hurricane and destroy everything around him.
Normally he always tried to make sure I didn’t see.

“Oh Jake,“ I cried and moved to hug him.

Harry made a sound like I imagined a wild tiger would right before killing his prey.

“Y/N, I swear to god, go the fuck inside!“

“Stop it, Harry! Can’t you see you’ve done enough?“ I was properly sobbing now, “What the hell were you thinking? You hit Jake!“

“That prick deserved it,“ Harry spoke cruelly, “Didn’t you, you little shit?“

“Hey man, calm down, okay? I think he gets it,“ Cory intervined.

He’d stayed silent until now.

Jake’s swimming orbs found my face. “I’m going home.“

I brushed my hands against the wet skin of my cheeks and nodded. My friend’s scared eyes found the man’s who stood behind me before quietly continuing.

“Come with me.“

“She’s staying, aren’t you, Y/N?“ Harry’s tone was almost mocking, “She came here with me so she stays until I take her home. She doesn’t need you to do that.“

My head hurt and I shook my head. Breathing was difficult.

“Jake,“ I whimpered, “Just go, okay? Text me when you’re home.“

I knew my reply disappointed him but at the same time it was hardly a surprise. Of course I would stand by Harry’s side still. Of course there wasn’t anyone who I would choose over him. Harry knew it, too and grinned at the both of us with an unfamiliar shade of evil in his eyes.

I faintly heard him mumble the words Good girl.

My stomach turned.

“I can go home by myself.“

Jake moved to leave and when I turned to look at Harry his expression had changed from one of anger to one of surprise. I noticed that his eyes were back to their clear green color that wasn’t at all frightening and when I took a step back and out of his reach he frowned.

“Y/N,“ he spoke softly, “C’mon. I’ll take you home later.“

I shook my head. “I want to leave now.“

He sighed. “We’ll leave now, then.“

Once more he reached out to touch me and just like before I flinched away from his touch. The blood on his hand made me sick.

“I said I can go by myself, Harry.“

..

Any other person would have understood.

Of course I couldn’t bear to be in the presence of the male who’d just inflicted such pain and fear on one of my closest friends. It was all too much and I cried on my way home, thankful that the taxi driver didn’t dare asking what the matter was.

Jake texted me that he was fine and though none of what happened was my fault I apologized profoundly for what Harry had done.
But that was it. I didn’t offer to come over and take care of him, in fact I didn’t address the subject at all anymore the moment I found out what had happened.
Apperaantly Jake had run his mouth about something Harry didn’t like and before he’d been able to react or apologize Harry’d already begun to inflict physical pain on him, completely void of any compassion for his friend.

I felt bad, I really did, and though I was angry and upset with Harry, the fear of him resenting me should I side too much with Jake kept me from being a good friend to him.

I picked Harry without even consciously making the choice.

..

When I went to tell Lucy about what happened the night before she said that she already knew. Harry had told her everything after I’d left him standing outside the bar.

“He was pretty pissed at you,“ she said with worried eyes, “Said he doesn’t want to see you anymore.“

I shuddered. “Maybe I should call him. Talk things out.“

But he didn’t pick up. Not the first time I tried and not the fifth either. He didn’t even respond to my messages.

Slowly I could feel myself freak out. We’d had some spats here and there, arguments that had made him shut me out and avoid talking to me, but so far whenever I reached out to apologize he warmed up and welcomed me back at his side.

Only this time I honestly felt like there was nothing for me to apologize for. I wasn’t the one who’d laid hand on Jake, who’d commanded a friend around as though they were my property and I hadn’t been the one to spoil the whole night for everyone.

“Just apologize to him,“ Lucy advised after I’d spent three days with absolutely no word from Harry, “He’s on good terms with Jake again. After letting out his aggression Harry accepted Jake’s effort of making things okay.“

“Good for them,“ I said, genuinely meaning it, “But there is nothing I could apologize for and nothing that I did wrong that night. Harry knows that, too.“

In all honesty I felt as though it was Harry’s turn to apologize to me. So many times before had it been me who’d tried and tried to reach out for him to make things right, often I even let myself down just to please him and that just couldn’t happen again.
I would wait, I decided, wait for him to respond to one of my innocent messages, hoping desperately that this choice wouldn’t cost me him. 

But of course that was exactly the price I had to pay for not backing down this time.

….Now.
Harry could be so kind. He was the first person to be there for me when I was in trouble, he always protected me against anything and anyone who made me uneasy and most importantly through him I experienced a never before encountered feeling of being needed. 

To him I was important and he appreciated me every day.

At times he was gentle and funny, blushing whenever he managed to make me laugh and his eyes would sparkle so lovingly it made my heart flutter.

He wasn’t all manipulative, arrogant and selfish.

I think Harry liked to think of me as an obedient and kind girl that wasn’t difficult to keep around. And he most certainly knew I was in love with him. So when I chose not to let myself down and apologize for standing up to him he was surprised and angry.
I’d proven his perception of me wrong and this newly discovered girl wasn’t who he had much use to.

….Then.
Never before in my life had I cried so hard. It was like I couldn’t breathe, my chest was crushed under an immense weight and I was robbed of any feeling of comfort. Some nights it got so bad I was hysterical and trashed around in my bed with no hope of finding rest. It felt like I was forcefully ripped open and everything Harry had left in my heart was taken away. Left was a sickening emptiness.

I was devastated.

Harry hadn’t responded to any attempt I’d made at reaching out and after a while I had been forced to give up. So instead I sent Lucy to talk to him and find out what he believed I did wrong only for her to come back with the most awful news.

“Harry was so angry, Y/N,“ Lucy had said, voice quiet and careful, “So much so he acted completely indifferent. He said that you know exactly what you did, that he hates you for it and never wants to see you again.“

She might as well have knocked me out.

Lucy nervously toyed with her hands. “I’m so sorry, Y/N. There really was nothing I could do to calm him.“

..

Hearing that the person you love feels hate towards you is the most intense kind of heart break that can be inflicted upon you by a loved one. Any sense of warmth is sucked out of you, your skin is in a constant state of shudder and your heart might as well not be there. The sickness you may feel before sitting through an important exam or before your first day at a new job, that kind of nerve wrecking sickness doesn’t ever go away again.

Your body is always on alert. Not even sleep brings rest.
It is pure torture to bear a broken heart and it takes so much time until it gets better.

..

The crying didn’t stop and I had no control over it. My eyes began to tear up without me noticing and due to the constant ache in my heart it was difficult to tell when my body was overwhelmed by it. During those times I searched for solitude and refused to spend time with the large group of people I’d once called my friends. Lucy and a small handful of them were the only ones I wanted to be around, anyone else I knew would instantly go and tell Harry about the pitiful state I was in.
And he didn’t need to know how much him leaving me had shattered my entire being.

To my luck the intense pain, confusion and disappointment followed a lot of anger. Like, more anger than I ever knew I was capable of feeling. That helped so much and for the first time I could feel myself slowly getting close to feeling okay again.

Because honestly: How dare he put me aside like I was a used doll to him? How dare he pretend like I wasn’t the best friend he had? How dare he act as if I hadn’t always put him first, before myself even?

I hissed in anger at the mere thought of all the things I’d done for him, every sacrifice, every time I let myself down to please him. If he messed up, I was there to help make things right, if he was upset, I was there to cheer him up. Me, me me. Always Me.
And now what? I had cried at the sight of my friend in pain and that made ma a traitor?

“I’m okay,“ I told Lucy one afternoon after she asked me how I was coping. Five weeks had passed since Harry had stopped talking to me and I was happy to admit that my words were only half a lie.

“That’s good,“ she gave me a small smile before her expression hardened and she looked away. “He asked about you today.“

I almost chocked on my tea. Lucy elaborated: “I ran into him at the cafe he likes so much. He asked where I was going and when I told him he wanted to know how you were doing.“

“What did you say?“ I wondered, my voice much steadier than I expected.

She peered up at me form under her lashes. “That you were good.“

I nodded. “Good.“

“I also asked if I should talk to you and help him make things right again.“ Lucy looked at me expectantly.

With brows arched in surprise I cleared my throat. “You did? What did he say?“

“Nothing he just shook his head. But that’s only because he’s prideful, Y/N, trust me. If you were to call him now I’m certain he would want to talk.“

Slowly I raised the mug I held in both hands to my lips and took a sip. When I looked at her again I knew my slightly puffy eyes were hard.

“Well, I’m not going to.“

“You should,“ Lucy protested, “Put you both out of your misery.“

I shook my head. “He’s the one who acts as if I did the worst possible thing to him when in reality I have done nothing. No, I am definitely not going to crawl back to him like a whipped dog that learned its lesson and damn him if he thinks I will. Maybe he regrets being a dick to me but then it sure as hell means that it’s his turn to come back. After all, he’s the one that left.“

When I finished I was out of breath and my hands trembled.

“I didn’t know you were this angry,“ Lucy admitted, her eyes holding surprise, “I expected you to be happy about these news.“

“Well I’m not,“ I answered, “This is just another stupid test of his and after crying every night for almost a month now I no longer care if I fail it.“

“He told me you were the one who left.“

I gaped at her. “What?“

She shrugged. “In his version of the story you’re the one who backed away form him after what happened to Jake. He thinks you are the one who left.“

Once more my body was set on fire with anger.
“That’s what this is about?“ I cried, “He hates me for not holding the hand he used to beat my friend with?“

Lucy bit her lip, then she nodded.

“Fuck him then,“ I said harshly, “What a self centered prick. I was frightened sick and he is so selfish that me taking a step back and insisting that I needed a moment alone is enough for him to throw us away?“

There was a pause of silence and slowly my breathing calmed again.

Lucy cleared her throat. “Okay, well… it’s your choice. I just know how much you care for him and even after everything he did I’m sure he cares about you just as much. And as your friend I must say that I can’t bear to see you so hurt all the time.“

At that I smiled kindly. “If he cared as much about me as I do for him he wouldn’t be spending all of his time with Cherry at his side.“

Lucy’s face fell. “I didn’t think you knew about that.“

I shrugged. “Hard not to. Her Instagram is full with pictures of them together. Her hugging him, him holding her waist, them dancing. He doesn’t seem to miss me too much.“

“She’s a distraction and has a pretty head that is as empty as a head can be,“ Lucy spoke harshly, “He knows that she is nothing compared to the friendship he had with you.“

I shrugged once more. “He doesn’t seem to mind. And as long as he doesn’t try to come back to me with a solid apology I couldn’t care less if Cherry bores him out of his mind.“

..

Nights were still the worst. That was when my head was haunted by every moment I ever spent with Harry, every laugh we shared, every touch. My poor heart was tortured with the memory of him kissing my cheek, leaving the skin hot and burning. I was reminded of the wide smile he wore whenever he saw me and the look of his arms held open wide for me to step into.

What I found myself missing most though was his smell. I’d grown to love his scent, found it comforting and every night I feared I would forget it one day.

Nights were when I allowed myself to cry and mourn the hope of love I’d lost with him.

I missed laughing with him, because he was still the funniest person I knew. I longed to hear him talk, because he had such a smart mind. I couldn’t bear to think that I would never get to feel his arms around me again and it hurt to imagine that I would never have his protection again.

After giving him so much importance in my life it was difficult to cope without him. But I did. And after two months of no word of him, it truly was no longer a lie when I said that I was feeling good.

..

It was almost like he knew that my heard had mended and I believed he understood that as his cue to come back and fuck me up again.
I stared at my phone with shock. I had one missed call from Harry and four new texts.

Hey.

How are you?

Can we talk?

Sorry.

Almost three months. That was how long he’d waited to reach out again. More than 40 nights of crying, more than 30 days of feeling like I was only a shell of myself.
And all I got was a Hey. How are you? Can we talk? Sorry. 
A ‘Sorry’ was all that my pain was worth.

„Fuck you, Harry,“ I muttered.

I reached for the device sitting before me, unlocked the screen and pressed onto the message until the small window popped up.

Are you sure you want to delete this chat? My phone asked.

I didn’t hesitate to press yes.

….Now.
To this day I knew that there was nobody I loved as deeply as I did Harry.

Even after doing everything in his power to break my heart, I can’t help the small jump out of rhythm and the tiny squeeze it gives whenever I happen to see his face somewhere. So many years have past and both of our lives are so different now.

We don’t speak. We don’t reach out.

But his stare lingers when he sees my face and so does mine. It’s as if we’re both reminded of who we once were and for a moment we wonder what we’ve become.

Thank you for reading this! 
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“If being human is not simply a matter of being born flesh and blood, if it’s simply a way of thinking, acting, and feeling, then I am hopeful that one day I will discover my own humanity.”