i swear to that

Those Four Words

Summary: “You absolute fucking prick.”

Word count: 1.6k

Rating: Teen+

Warnings: Swearing (guess it’s a little late for that though whoops I’ll just put that in the tags), food mention

A/N: Inspired by a debate between @botanistlester@insanityplaysfics, and some anons on Phanfiction Catalogue about whether Dan or Phil would propose. I, um, might have been one of those anons btw (*cough* #TeamEliza *cough*). I hope this serves as an acceptable compromise.

read on ao3


“Hey.”

Dan doesn’t bother to look away from the episode of Steven Universe they’re watching, acknowledging his boyfriend only with a noncommittal sound somewhere between a hum and a grunt. Phil’s using his ‘idea’ voice, and as it’s barely past ten in the morning and Dan was up pacing the lounge until nearly five, he has neither the energy nor the mental capacity to pay attention to anything more complicated than cartoons right now. He pops another spoonful of cereal into his mouth and hopes whatever Phil has to say is brief.

(He gets his wish).

“Marry me?” Phil says in the exact same tone he used last week when he suggested that they go miniature golfing in the middle of a typical London downpour.

Keep reading

shinee goes grocery shopping

onew:

  • picked up a package of dubu and carried it around (”don’t talk to me or my son ever again”)
  • rotisserie chicken 
  • fried chicken tenders 
  • takes a sample, waits five minutes to casually walk by and take another one 
  • buys a pineapple to remember his boy pinee 
  • if lost can find him watching the crabs in the tanks 

jonghyun:

  • smells candles until everything is just one indistinguishable strong scent and he has a huge headache 
  • pls no more chicken breast 
  • stress bought a whole chocolate mousse cake 
  • reenacting risky business in the aisles 
  • people are staring but what is shame???
  • uses most of his time choosing a body wash (”we are going to leave you here if you don’t pick one in the next three minutes”) 

key:

  • buying fruit for juice cleanse and jam 
  • wallet is full of receipts and coupons 
  • actual coupon master. his total goes from $56.35 to $24.70
  • buys french baguettes and cheese to feel fancy 
  • another trip to the store, another pair of house slippers (he has too many for a person who has only two feet but this one is pink and has bunny ears so) 
  • ketchup 

minho:

  • avocados + bananas + protein powder 
  • buys all the practical shit like toilet paper and garbage bags 
  • helpful bagger 
  • lines up the shopping carts so well people keep asking him if he works there
  • doesn’t have the heart to tell them no so he helps customers get things from high shelves and stuff 

taemin:

  • waits until he’s surviving off cup ramen to even go
  • puts random shit in the cart 
  • buys a jackfruit bc “it looks cool” but doesn’t know how to eat it so it’s just there… in the fridge… mocking him 
  • also never knows which groceries are his??? 
  • rides the shopping cart like a scooter (push, push, weeeeee)
  • makes direct eye contact with all the video cameras and doesn’t. look. away. security is v uncomfortable 

Petition for @iamzachvalenti to read out excerpts from The Martian in Doug Eiffel’s voice

Because

And, as we all know, probes often refuse to obey directives, choosing instead to attack humans on sight So far, Pathfinder hasn’t tried to kill me. But I’m keeping an eye on it.

I mean

I can’t wait till I have grandchildren. “When I was younger, I had to walk to the rim of a crater. Uphill! In an EVA suit! On Mars, ya little shit! Ya hear me? Mars!”

really

Yes of course duct tape works in a near-vacuum. Duct tape works anywhere. Duct tape is magic and should be worshipped.

come on

2

hello cutie💕

Why don’t boomers understand

You.

Can’t.

Just.

Walk.

Into.

A.

Building.

And.

Get.

Hired.

Just.

Cause.

You’re.

Physically.

There.

And.

Dressed.

Nicely.

That’s.

Not.

How.

It.

Works.

Anymore. 

BTS as things I've had to tell my 3rd grade students
  • Taehyung: Please, stop trying to fit your entire fist into your mouth
  • Seokjin: You're not going to die from missing snack time, please stop crying
  • Rap Mon: So run me through this again...just how exactly did you break your desk?
  • Yoongi: Don't deny that you were sleeping through math you literally had a puddle of drool on your desk
  • J-Hope: Just because we're having indoor recess doesn't mean you can gallop around the classroom screaming at the top of your lungs
  • Jungkook: So you're saying you can't work with your partner because she's a girl and girls annoy you?
  • Jimin: I know that they tease you for being short but calling someone a "big fat giant" isn't acceptable