i swear to god i'm peeing

the signs as things my friend has said
  • Aries: No, I am NOT going to catch that in my mouth!
  • Taurus: am bye
  • Gemini: Don't slap my ass in public.
  • Cancer: What if. There was an alternate universe. Where everything was the same, except the word crying was replaced by cruton.
  • Leo: I'm not putting ear porn in my ears!
  • Virgo: "and I pee with the lights off"
  • Libra: I swear to god if your caesar salad attracts ANOTHER grapefruit I am going to murder you.
  • Scorpio: Limes. Are not actually lime green.
  • Sagittarius: Don't invite her to lunch anymore, she'll talk about abortions again!
  • Capricorn: CAN YOU N O T ADD THINGS TO MY POSTS
  • Aquarius: I'm not going to Hot Topic like this, I have to look like a gangster!
  • Pisces: TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING ALARM BEFORE I RAM YOUR PHONE UP YOUR ASS.
the signs as things my roommate has said to me today (1/4/16)
  • Aires: can I pee before you shower?
  • Taurus: I swear to God I'm gonna light her jeans on fire
  • Gemini: can we make more coffee
  • Cancer: I just don't see him as a sexual being
  • Leo: ugh! agh! nooooo! *stands on a chair*
  • Virgo: you can put the ground beef in the freezer
  • Libra: that was the worst pun I have ever heard
  • Scorpio: what even is in Delaware?
  • Sagittarius: *heavy sigh while texting*
  • Capricorn: I can teach you how to make mugs
  • Aquarius: my sister is so spoiled
  • Pisces: me too *addressing cat*