i swear my soul on it

i’m about to tell you the actual funniest thing i’ve ever heard.

i’m training to become a sign language interpreter, and today i asked my mentor about weird jobs she’s been on. like has there ever been one that when she left she was like “what the actual fuck just happened to me?” and i swear her soul transcended this plane of existence for a few minutes while she told me this story.

a few years back she and a colleague got an interpreting assignment from the agency that said “spice party”. so it was like a tupperware party where someone works for a company that sells a product, and they invite people into their home to show them the product and then the guests can place an order and buy the products and in this case it was spices.

they get there, and ring the doorbell. the host opens the door and tells them that the guests haven’t arrived yet but that they’re welcome to go into the other room to look at the products so they’ll know what will be discussed during the night.

so these two interpreters were like pfft spices?? lmao we don’t need to look this up, there’s salt pepper and chilli like how hard can it be. so they walk up to the door. open it. look into the room where this spice party is supposed to take place. and stop dead in their tracks.

flashback to when the interpreting agency got the order from the host of the party. apparently it said “it’s a party where they can order products from a company called something something spicy”. so this old little lady that handles the orders just thinks “hey, it says spicy, so that must mean spices right?” she rewords the order and sends it to the interpreters.

fun fact. that company did NOT sell spices. these two interpreters open the door expecting oregano or some shit and they get dildos. just. everywhere. dildos. lube. vibrators. condoms in 75 different sizes. it was a sex toy party.

the guests arrive. this is a small ass town. the interpreters know everybody at this party. throughout the night the guests can go into a private room with the host to place an order, and the interpreters have to come along because the host is the one who is deaf. to this day they see these people on the street and have to be like “hey :)” because it’s a small town, everyone knows everyone, and they have to say hi to people knowing that they have a two foot dildo and licorice flavoured lube at home.

anyway what i got from that story is that i picked the right profession.

Where I’m the most aggressive:

-Singing LWYMMD

-“if a man talks SHIT then I owe him NOTHING

-Singing TIWWCHNT

-“I hit you like BANG

-“I swear I don’t love the drama, IT LOVES ME”

-“and all the PIECES FALL”

-“GO GO GO

-Singing getaway car in general

-“BODY AND SOUL”

-“is this the END of all the ENDINGS

-“my broken BONES are MENDING

-“up on the roof with a school girl CRUSH

-“drinking beer outta plastic CUPPPSSSS

-“Say you fancy me not fancy STUFF

-“I’m a mess but I’m the mess that you wanted”

-“All the LIARS are calling ME ONE”

-“I beg you on my knees to STAY

-Singing IDSB (specifically, RADADADADADADAD DA DA)

-“I BURY HATCHETS BUT I KEEP MAPS ON WHERE I PUT EM”

-“I got SOME big ENEMIES”

-“With their Range Rovers and their JAGUARS

2

It kind of feels heart-fluttering, or dreamy… or comfortable…

It feels very… special.

4

i love the third years

100 Dialogue Prompts: Part 5

Great team work, amigos. Here’s is part 5! 

  1. “Why is there a naked Ken Barbie doll tied up in your room?” “Goddammit, ____! I told you not to go in there!”
  2. “No Candice, I am NOT selling you my soul again.”
  3. “why is the fairy holding a gun.”
  4. “Jesus Christ on a boat made of crackers, what are you doing outside of the pod ship again?”
  5. “WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT” “He said I couldn’t… and I thought it was a challenge…”
  6. “How the fuck did you dye the ocean ORANGE?!”
  7. “Why are the roses green?”
  8. “Great, you made death angry.”
  9. ”この___だ!”
  10. “That better be a press on tattoo.”
  11. “If you only listened to the nature, you could learn more than humans ever passed to us.”
  12. “So, we’re dead?” “Well, kind of… yeah.”
  13. “Remind me again why you have a centaur tied up in your truck?”
  14. “Can you stop staring into my soul every time we meet? I feel exposed.”
  15. “You do realize that he wasn’t breathing when he spoke to us, right?”
  16. “I liked you better when you where possessed by that demon friend of yours”
  17. “You’re absolutely in love with him and have been for at least 2 years if you don’t go tell him how you feel I swear to god I will”
  18. “There are worse things in life than death.” “Nobody asked you,Lucifer.” “Just saying.”
  19. “Well, it’s wonderful that you’re having a sexuality crisis, but in case you forgot, we’re kind of in the middle of STOPPING THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!”
  20. “Why is there a horse crashing on our couch?” “Oh, that’s Satan.”
  21. “Why would I hang out with you? You’re so incompetent! Your sacrifice to the faeries was so insufficient!”
  22. “Where the hell did the dragon go?! He was right here!”
  23. “Ok, the recipie calls for two cups of lemon and a cup of sugar, but all I see are cough syrup and battery acid…”
  24. “What do you mean today’s not a Tuesday?!”
  25. “So everyone on Earth had the same dream as me?”
  26. “you know what will solve that? Scotch.”
  27. “I didn’t ask for this!” “… you didn’t?”
  28. “How is it that the least likely outcome is always the outcome I receive?!” “You should go buy a lottery ticket.”
  29. “Guys, i know you’re all busy, but if any of you wants the dinner done, i will need my arm back”
  30. “Of COURSE I care about you. That’s why I sold your soul on the black market.”
  31. “JOHN I AM BEGINNING TO QUESTION THE VALIDITY OF YOUR PLAN” “AS AM I ALEX, AS AM I”
  32. “What?”
  33. “I will take the concept of my rage, transform it into a physical weapon, and use it to BEAT YOU TO DEATH!”
  34. “Did you really HAD to slap the shark?!” “I mean… If you want me to kick it-”
  35. “I don’t care, your tamagotchi dying is not an excuse to wake me up before noon!”
  36. “You are telling me that the socks with hearts that I’ve been mocking since the first day you arrived are, in fact, what keep you alive?” “Yes!” “What?”
  37. “So you really want me to believe that you’re actually from the future?”
  38. “Dude. What have you done. Now we HAVE TO save those aliens!”
  39. “Can you just stop?” “God no, why would I do that?”
  40. “Hey at least I get laid doing it”
  41. “While that’s a lovely story, it doesn’t quite explain the fires.”
  42. “Dude, please tell me that you planned to deal with her guardian angel when you killed her.”
  43. “That’s such a stupid idea… let’s do it.”
  44. “What do you MEAN this just HAPPENS?!” “All the time, actually.”
  45. “I swear, one day you’ll kill us both.” “Oh please, I’ve never been that reckless.” “…” “That was ONE TIME!”
  46. “Why did you buy a nuke?!” “Why wouldn’t I? It was on sale”
  47. “I am fueled purely by rage and instant coffee.”
  48. “How are you a million years old, bit you can’t even remember who George Washington is?”
  49. “Because I gave not, a single shit.”
  50. “Is that a marijuana? In my good  Christian suburbs?!”
  51. “WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT KILLING PEOPLE?? YOU NEVER USE THE DRAGON, YOU IDIOT”
  52. “I don’t care if he’s a unicorn, NO ONE EATS MY MINI EGGS!”
  53. “Jesus Christ Lewis! *Again* with the Snails?” “It’s Thursday! You said Thursday’s were okay!”
  54. “Here’s a story for you. I woke up in Vegas as a makeup guru. I was REALLY drunk.”
  55. “If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you…WAIT, NO IT WAS A JOKE, STOP!”
  56. “You’re kinda like hitchhiking Ghost Busters, aren’t you?”
  57. “For gods sake, ditch the fanny pack”
  58. “Take the tomato!” “No, I don’t want the tomato” “JUST TAKE THE TOMATO”
  59. “‘That’s no moon!’ Everyone  remembered Jimmy’s words that night as he scolded his friends for half-heartedly pulling their pants down.”
  60. “WHY IS THERE A BEAR IN MY BATHROOM”
  61. “Can you believe it?” “Just barely.”  "Man, I never thought he would ACTUALLY throw the chair.“
  62. "What did you THINK girl scout cookies were made of?”
  63. “Really? That’s not what I heard from Mrs. Sanchez across the hall!”   “Mom she’s literally a possessed cow, why do you listen to her?”
  64. “You got the rubber chicken, cheese whiz, and dish soap?” “Yep” “Ok, let’s do this!”
  65. “Are you building a life-sized Godzilla at 3am again?”
  66. “Don’t get pissy at me, YOU’RE the one who didn’t say what kind of tea bags to get for the clown!”
  67. "So YOU’RE the guy the math textbooks warned us about.”
  68. “Where’s our cat?” “I thought you were responsible for it?..”
  69. “What do you mean I’m half demon”
  70. “why are you duct taping a cat to the ceiling?” “aesthetic.”
  71. “Hope is a lie. So is philosophy, morality, language in general, the sky, dogs, and about a third of the population of Michigan.”
  72. “So let me get this straight. You filled a Darth Vader costume… With cats?”
  73. “How did I die this time?” “Well, it was pretty quick. I missed it, but from what I can tell, you convinced an entire school of 4000 people to throw watermelons at you all at the same time.” “…And?” “The impact of the watermelons threw you back a couple hundred kilometers and you landed in the ocean…inside the mouth of a particularly hungry shark.” “Goddamn it I wanted this death to be metal!”
  74. “Yesterday I learned that my childhood friend was a demon.”
  75. “Please tell me you said 'What bothers me most.’ "Yes? What the hell did you think I said?” Well….it kinda sounded like “His father’s meatloaf.’
  76. "Goddammit, why won’t you die?!”  "I DON’T FUCKING KNOW! “
  77. "I’d appreciate it if you fucking stopped, thanks.”
  78. “What the hell is this?” “It’s jello, you eat it”
  79. "You didn’t” “I did and I made them watch”
  80. "Why in the hell did you think this was a good idea?” “Look, YOU try saying 'No’ to not just a primordial deity, but my little sister as well.” “…Ok, you got me there.”
  81. “How do you know that it’s supposed to look like this?”
  82. “Are you making *tea*?!” “Well what else am I supposed to do?” “I don’t know maybe STOP THE MONSTER THATS RIGHT IN FRONT OF US!!”
  83. “Why are you in a dress?” “Lucifer wanted to have a tea party. You don’t say no to Lucifer”
  84. “So you’re telling me that aliens invaded while I was on vacation?”
  85. “I appreciate the gesture but I prefer my horses fried rather than alive.”
  86. *whining* “But Mooommm, I don’t want to save the woooorrld!”
  87. “Now I know not to cry there”
  88. “What if we DIDNT kill the king every Thursday” “Good idea we’ll kill him on Fridays instead.”
  89. “So you’re a zombie now?” “I guess I am” “So what are you gonna do about it?” “*shrug* I don’t know….”
  90. “I guess you weren’t joking when you said that the world is ruled by ants”
  91. “When I die, tell everyone 'I told you so.’”
  92. “You’re not real… You’re only in those silly books!” “Correction, my dear, you’re the fictional one.”
  93. “There was no 'free pie’ you moron! You stole it!”
  94. “Okay, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that my pet rock has gained sentience, just like we planned! The bad news is that it turns out he’s evil and is currently building a rock army with the intent of taking over the world. aaaand, he’s trying to get Mt. Everest on his side.”
  95. “Why is our baby on a wanted poster?”
  96. “Zombies are people too, Mom!”
  97. “… I’m gonna go for it. Hold my head for me real quick, and don’t put it on a mannequin like you did last time.”
  98. “Fascinating… I was unaware that was physically plausible.” “I know right.”
  99. “ACHOO!” “Bless you.” “No sorry, that won’t work on me.”
  100. “Bye, Felicia. Take you and your cat ears! GO!”

Prepare yourselves, because starting from tomorrow we will be making ‘100 Prompts That Will Make You Cry’ lists. Hope you enjoy this one. Which prompt do you like the most?

Dorky Otp Prompts

‘I caught you dramatically singing to your cat that laid on you stomach and it was honestly the cutest thing I’ve ever seen’

‘I saw you rollerskating and I thought ‘that person is cool’ but then you crashed jesus are you okay’

’I found you in the kitchen at 3 AM taking apart our cabinets with a crazed look in your eye ‘cause apparently you thought you heard a mouse are you insane what was tHAT’

‘You made a ‘pun jar’ it’s like a swear jar except every time i make a bad pun i have to put in a dollar looks like we almost have enough for a new aPUNment-fine ill put another one in’

‘I work at a pet shop and everyday you come in on your way to work and pet every single animal here you are the purest soul™ I’m so in love’

'Me and my friends are such memey shits and they made me send you one of those 'send your crush without context’ thing problem is you don’t use the internet much and don’t understand and I’m so embarrassed’

'Our parents work for rival companies and they don’t know we’re friends well my dad pissed me off the other night wanna pretend we’re dating and do like cute stuff in front of him to get on his nerve?’

'We’re at a karaoke bar and you went up as a joke but the lights are hitting you so perfectly and your voice is so angelic and wow I think I’m in love.’

'You had this giant ass ice cream but you were so excited that you dropped it and I’ve never seen a sadder person in my life please let me just buy you a new one’

'We keep awkwardly running into each other and people have started to ship us and I kinda like you ahaha oh god I need to stop blushing’

thealaxy  asked:

I never knew I needed baby jack in my life until I saw ur art!! ❤❤ He's so preciouss and gabe is such a great dad

Gabe’s a great dad alright. Also superbly great at teasing poor Jackie to no ends. XD 
And thanks for giving me the chance to do a belated pocky day featuring this two precious-ness. <3
Annnddd Thanks again for loving this AU!! ♡(ŐωŐ人)

I swear I’m afraid of every step that I’m taking - every heart that I’m breaking, every droplet of pain my words trickle in any soul; but I can’t stop. It’s who I became. It’s who I am. It’s one of those times again when the fear of losing everything is so strong I ended up being not afraid at all. When death became so pointless living felt like synonymous to it. And if you see me smiling warmly in the morning, know that my facades have taken the best of my abilities and abandoned me in my past forever.
Nosy Rosy Big Brother

Originally posted by oldbucksicle

Summary: Dean’s hit with a strong case of curiosity. Pure, uncontrollable curiosity that leads to him finding a treasure trove of nasty little things.
Paring: Sam/Reader, Dean/Reader (kinda), Implied Sam/Reader/Dean at the end
Word Count: ~2.5K
Warnings: FILTH. At this point it’d be easier to name what’s not in this fic, but I’ll name a few that are; smut (obvy), dirty text, nudey pics, sex videos of Sam/Reader, masturbation, anal play, anal sex, vaginal sex, dirty talk, copious amounts of semen, Sam’s a big fan of creampies (both of the butt and vag variety), more masturbation, voyeurism, NSFW gifs just to really mess y'all up :)
a/n: aight don’t judge me but I only have one fic to post today bc school’s got me fucked up and has literally sucked my soul from my body. I’m still working on some of the requests you guys have sent in and other WIP’s as the mood/will to do anything but cry in a corner hits me (lol but I’m fine tho I swear) I hope you guys enjoy my contribution for Smut Appreciation Day 2017!



The first time Dean “snoops"—it’s by total accident. 

Sam had lent him his phone after Dean’s had been compromised on the hunt that they had just finished. Long story short; phone in pocket plus getting pushed into pool by werewolf equals no bueno. Dean pulled up the messaging app to shoot the hunter that been helping them out a text to let him know that everything had been squared away, but when Dean went to tap compose message, his thumb took a sharp left and ended up pulling up the messages between you and Sam. 

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