i swear i'm not drunk right now

Texts From Last Night sentence starters
  • [text] I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
  • [text] I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
  • [text] My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
  • [text] He’s so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he’d be like “I just want you to be happy”
  • [text] I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
  • [text] Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
  • [text] Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
  • [text] I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
  • [text] Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
  • [text] Who says no to sex and donuts?!
  • [text] Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
  • [text] Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good child
  • [text] How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
  • [text] I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
  • [text] You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
  • [text] good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
  • [text] You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
  • [text] So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
  • [text] I just said “I love my cat” as a hobby.
  • [text] how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
  • [text] This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
  • [text] I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So I’m getting a vibrator.
  • [text] I’m trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
  • [text] This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
  • [text] i’m gonna friendzone myself so you don’t have to
  • [text] He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
  • [text] I’m fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
  • [text] Hey you’re the best friend, I’m sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
  • [text] The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
  • [text] I lost the right to judge tonight