i struggled so long with this decision

Not Okay

In which Simon is feeling insecure because he has been sent hate, so you, being the bigger YouTuber, decided to do something about it. 

Requested? Yes


I woke up to the birds chirping outside and the sun shining through the windows of Simon’s bedroom. We had been together for so long, and moving in with him and some of the other boys was one of the best decisions in my life. I rolled over, hoping to curl up to Simon’s sleepily warm body, only to curl up on cold bed sheets. I opened my eyes to see I was alone in bed, which was a first.

I struggled to sit up, and pushed all the messy strands of hair out of my face. The door to Simon’s bathroom as open, and I could just about see him standing in front of the sink, staring at himself in the mirror. I shielded my eyes from the sun with my hand.

‘Si?’ I asked, my voice groggy with sleep. But Simon didn’t budge. He just continued staring at himself with an empty expression. He was topless; he usually sleeps in just his boxers. 'Simon,’ I repeated which made him snap out of his trance.

'Hm?’ He asked, brushing through his hair with his fingers awkwardly, then pulling a loose SDMN t-shirt over his head.

'What are you doing?’ I asked, my voice laced with a giggle.

'Nothing,’ He said but he didn’t sound too happy. I ripped the bedsheets off my bare legs and got out of bed, walking up to him and wrapping my arms around his waist. I looked up at him with a smile  that burned my cheeks. 'Good morning, handsome.’ I leaned up to kiss his cheek.

'Good morning,’ He smiled weakly. He wasn’t being his usual self.

'What’s wrong?’ You asked, reaching up to his face with one hand, caressing one cheek softly. He looked genuinely upset.

'Nothing, I just want some time alone.’ He said, taking my hand and bringing it back down. He carefully pushed me out of the way and left the room, leaving me standing there, confused.

For the rest of the day, Simon locked himself up in his room as he filmed and edited his videos. It felt wrong to leave him alone, but that’s what the other boys suggested I should do.

Little did I know that this would go on for the rest of the week. Josh claimed that he was just having a moment, and that he’d be fine within the next couple of days, but I was still worrying my ass off. I couldn’t remember a time where Simon had been acting this weird.

Being a YouTuber myself, I decided to sit down in front of my cameras one quiet afternoon. If I couldn’t reach Simon, I figured I’d reach out to the viewers. That, and I knew he watched all my videos. I hated talking about it, but I had more subscribers that Simon did, so I hoped this would reach as many people as possible.

'Right guys, here I am, sitting in an oversized SDMN sweater and literally nothing else.’ I said to the camera, and then laughed at how awkward I was. 'This video is going to be a little more serious than my other videos are, so get comfortable because we’re going to have a talk, like mature adults do.’ As I spoke, I got myself comfortable too.

'I think you guys might have noticed that I’ve been a little inactive lately, and so has Simon. If you don’t know who Simon is, then either you’re a new subscriber or you’ve been living under a rock.’ I laughed. 'No but seriously, Simon and I have been dating for a long time and lately he’s been acting… he hasn’t been acting like himself.’

I shuffled around in my seat. 'Now, I have Twitter. I get nice messages from you guys all the time on Twitter, but I also see the hate. Not only towards me, but towards other people as well. And recently, I’ve seen a lot of that hate going to my boyfriend. A lot more than usual, a lot more than what is healthy. And I know that recording this video probably won’t make a difference because the people that hate is will still hate us, if not more.’

'I just really don’t understand what the point is behind sending hate. Like, why would you do that? Why would you waste your time on making someone feel bad? It’s just something that I would personally never do and that I would never support.’

'I guess what I’m saying is, if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it. And I’m pretty sure that phrase is copyrighted by primary teachers, but I’ll say it anyway.’ I laughed again.

'Just please stop spreading the negativity, and spread positivity instead. You know, try it out! It’s a good feeling, I promise. And it makes people happy, so where could you possibly go wrong? Anyways, that’s what’s been on my mind lately. Thanks for watching and I’ll see you in the next one, ciao!’ I smiled and waved at the camera, then stopped recording.

Within an hour I had finished editing and making a thumbnail, and it was now processing on my channel. After that, it was up, and as usual, I immediately got many different notifications on all different social medias. I left my phone and computer and went into the kitchen to grab an apple. I was hungry, but not too hungry, and not in the mood for a light unhealthy snack either. I figured an apple will do.

'Ooh, you uploaded a new video!’ Vik exclaimed. He was sitting at the kitchen island behind a laptop, clicking about. And then I heard my own voice from the video and cringed. I heard someone’s door being opened from upstairs, and then footsteps coming down the stairs.

I looked up and to my surprise it was Simon. His blonde hair was a mess so that the front of it was plastered to his forehead. His eyes were a darker shade of blue and looked tired, matched with the bags underneath his eyes. He probably hadn’t slept well in days. There was stubble growing from his cheeks and he was wearing his oldest clothes. Not even socks. Not even a necklace.

'Hey,’ I smiled at him.

'Can I talk to you?’ He asked. I bit my lip and nodded, no matter how much I was scared of what he was going to say. I followed him back up the stairs and to his room, where he sat down on our bed and I plopped down next to him, sitting crosslegged.

'Come here,’ He said and enveloped me into a hug, so I was squished between his long lanky arms and pressed against his chest. I wrapped my arms back around him and smiled happily.

'Simon, I can’t breathe,’ I struggled to say. He let me go a little.

'I want to cuddle,’ He pleaded with big, lighter blue eyes. I giggled at him as we wormed underneath the duvet and cuddled up to each other. Simon’s arms were quick to find my waist and wrap themselves around me. 'I’m sorry I haven’t been acting normal,’ He apologies and started planting kisses all over my face.

'Si, don’t apologise.’ I laughed as he continued kissing me. He stopped for a second and smiled, dimples appearing in both his cheeks. I leaned in and fluttered my eyes closed, pecking his soft pink lips momentarily.

When I pulled away, he pouted. 'That was such a short kiss.’ He complained, making me burst out laughing even harder.

'By the way, stubble doesn’t look too bad on you.’ I complimented with a wink, placing one hand on his cheek and going in for another little kiss. 'Also, don’t listen to the hate. I get how difficult it can be.’

'Especially when everyone ships your girlfriend with one of your best friends.’ He rolled his eyes dramatically.

'I’m pretty sure Chris ships himself with me more than the fans ship him with me.’ I giggled and booped his nose.

What I said made him smile, and he strengthened his hold around me and pressed me closer to him, rocking me back and forth.

'You’re the best. The best girlfriend. I love you,’ He whispered in my ear.

loving someone with a mental illness is not easy. it’s hard. it’s really fucking hard. there are going to be days that I’m so sad that I won’t get out of bed, and I’ll be crying so hard for so long that I won’t be able to speak. at times I’ll be so anxious that I can’t eat, be around anyone, or make even the smallest and simplest decisions. it’s always a struggle to get myself to eat, and a bigger struggle to keep it down every time. it takes a lot for me to believe that people actually like me and they aren’t just being polite. i’m always going to assume that everyone is mad at me, and ask a million times to make sure they’re not. these are things that have controlled my life for so long. they are things that will never fully go away. but I deserve someone that’s going to stand behind me while I do the hardest thing I’ve ever done; fight it. breaking up with someone to give them time to “work on themself” is the same as saying that they’ll take you back when it isn’t hard anymore, when you’re no longer broken. it’s the same as breaking up with someone because they have a mental illness. and you don’t do that. no matter how hard it gets, you stay. at least that’s what I would do.
—  this shit fucking hurts (via @sophsmagotes
HIATUS

I do not make this decision lightly, but I’m at a point in life - with my health declining again, irl affairs in shambles and the added stress and disappointment as league lore is devolving into nonsensical garbage - where I need a break. I have been struggling with writing for the blogs and keeping track of threads and it is another source of stress I really don’t need right now.

So I’m taking a sabbatical. I will be back - I love these characters far too much to leave and never come back. I don’t know how long it will take, but I have high hopes that I will be back before September.

Art and commissions are still happening, albeit delayed because of technical issues. I will try to contact everyone about it. I don’t know what else to say. I will queue this post a few times. Thank you for everything, I will be missing you. See you soon. :)
Changes on T

Recently a friend of mine was asking about my experiences on T, changes, and so on. I thought that writing it down would make sure I could say everything I want to say and why not put it here to for other people to reference. 


The decision: I saw a therapist for a while before going on T. My deepest struggle was once I knew I was a trans man, I couldn’t tell if I wanted to pursue hrt or that I had just been conditioned by the trans narrative and was imposing a path that might not be mine on some internalized idea I wasn’t trans enough.
Was I ready to take the leap and deal with the challenges unique to physical transition?
And finally, I was terrified of going bald which I felt was vapid and vain so I wouldn’t bring it up, but it was something I needed to say outload so if it is something your struggling with honestly just say it. 
I didn’t want the same things a lot of trans men I saw online or knew wanted. Frankly, I could still take or leave facial hair. Sometimes I think I might go back to shaving my legs too.
There’s was always the question of money. 
On the flip side, would I have such resources as easily accessible outside the university system?
Ultimately though, I was always daydreaming about being on T one day and having t-shape, muscles, and a deeper voice. I would avoid full length mirrors at all costs so as not to see my hips. Exercise could not cut it with the change I wanted to my body overall. 

The process: Once my therapist signed the letter it was sent to an endocrinologist which for me was all through my university which was a very lucky position to be in and then it all just happened so fast. I went to see her and I had a prescription physically in my hands for the first time.

Early on: It was so too good to be true I started to have massive worries that it would be taken away. Once I dropped my bottle and the pharmacy was curious as to why I was back so early implying that they couldn’t give me my perscription and I went into a panic. It took me a while to not worry about that everytime I brought in my perscription.

Physical changes: The first changes I experienced were my voice and my eyebrows. My voice would drop slightly then crack like crazy then drop again. Honestly I loved the cracking it made me feel like I was finally having a puberty experience that would yield the results I wanted. My eyebrows felt almost immediately darker and thicker. It actually looked much better on my face and was a much more masculizing feature than I expected. I think all my hair has gotten darker since starting T. 
Next I started to see some slight side burns and the peach-fuzzist of a mustache. This continued with my chin, but seemed to hit an absolute threshold at 4 months with very minimal change afterwards. 
An increase in appetite was also pretty quick and ended pretty quick. I think I eat a bit more in general, but not by much. (talking 3 pizza slices as opposed to two)

Mental changes: I’m less likely to cry. It’s not that I don’t feel sad, it just physically. I started to notice this around 3 months. My fuse to get angry is defiantly shorter. Frustration is much more of a go to for me. I don’t feel like transition has changed my emotions by any means though. If anything I am more in tune with my emotions and more confident in trusting my feelings and gut.  
Almost immediately I started to notice that sensory things effected me more. Sight and hearing just felt more impactful to me. I just ended up getting use to it, but overall I feel like my attention span is just shorter. This could be totally just me being more aware of these things without worrying about how people perceive me and so on all the time, but I totally feel like it’s a thing.

6 months: My body started to redistribute the fat on my body more severely. My hips are so much thinner and I’ve lost the hour glass shape almost completely. My chest and shoulders widened just a bit.
Currently at 10 months: I’ve started to notice my muscles forming in a more masculine trait which has honestly been so goddamn incredible. Paired with fat redistribution I just feel like my body is finally mine. My period still hasn’t stop though. They’ve just been gaining bigger and bigger gaps in between and less blood. My endo and I have been taking some measures to try and correct that, but I guess that’s just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes.  
I started of tracking my transition constantly and now it’s just become such a part of my life that I tend not to and forget a lot. That I’d ever be at this point or that’d it’d feel so natural is such a privilege in my life. 
Pronouns and discussing my trans status with my parents and family has also been so much easier. I think my new appearance makes it more real for them, but also just time and my sister’s awesome allyship. This is not a reason to go on T. You deserve to be recognized and affirmed without it!!! 

New problems: I find myself facing is the feminine habits I faced, in the ways I speak and react when I am feeling anxious or caught of guard. When I am comfortable I am incredibly masculine and it comes very naturally, but it’s just fighting this training of female socialization for so long. I pass 50/50. So, bathrooms are even harder to navigate. I use the men’s room more and more, but mainly if I have to go I hold it until there’s a gender neutral bathroom and avoid liquids when I’m out. The anxiety around my chest has become so taxing. Going to the gym is almost impossible for me without a constant fear people are starting at my chest. It’s something I love so that’s really hard for me. In the end however, the confidence in myself I have and the level of comfort in my body is so much greater and makes everything worth it and more.  

Romantic and Sexual Orientation: I for some reason had the internalized acephobia that I would eventually be an allosexual person after enough time on T. The moment I accepted myself as an ace person and recognized I use to feel this way I was free. Coming to terms with my sexuality just brought a weight off my shoulders and allowed myself to truly explore my romantic orientation and come to realize I was aromantic as well. That has allowed me to approach the concept of companionship in a totally different way- something that actually fits my feelings rather than the expectations of others. I did gain a libido though (around month 3). It’s not as big an increase as some people seem to have after T, but that was a monkey wrench for a bit. Reconciling libido and attraction was a very interesting experience, but one I’m glad I’ve had. 

I wouldn’t have traded going on T for anything. It’s incredible to see your body transform in to something new and yet 10x more familiar. I feel so much more deeply connected to myself and other people, but it is not a necessary path and take all the time you need. Questioning is natural and a step you must go through for your own well-being. In reality, I’m still questioning my identity. Gender is fluid and complex so I feel like everyone is. Something I used to do to get through it was to say to myself “Questioning is a move forward. Whatever direction you’re going, you’re moving forward.” I know it’s cheesy, but whatever you gotta do-self care is endlessly important. 
Internalizing things is also to natural. Remember that’s not you and these thoughts happen. Masculinity and the trans experience is what you make it and yours to experiment with to your comfort level. 

Submission: My "Road to Kaylor" Story 👯

I don’t know what guides me to sending this to you in particular, but you seem to be the most influential on my decision to ship Kaylor. (If you end up posting, keep me anonymous please).

@kaylorcastle‘s post really inspired me to tell you my own road to Kaylor. And it proved that I will not be judged for it.

So long story short for me, I’m a lesbian who has only come out to people online because of my family’s homophobia. Never would I have thought that a huge celebrity like Taylor would feel the same way I do with the same struggle.

I was always a Haylor shipper. I thought that it was Taylor’s cutest relationship for the longest time, especially since I was a huge One Direction fan. I was fairly popular in the Haylor fandom as well. (Twitter-based)

One day, I was talking with one of my Haylor friends and they told me about this group of delusional freaks that called themselves Kaylors. They specifically directed me to you, Kaylornation, and tayvinisfake21. So, amused by the idea of Taylor possibly not being straight (and the fact that she might not be with that Calvin Harris guy that I always knew was a douchebag) I read the masterposts. I read your very detailed and observant stunt posts. And I believed it. It took me ONE night of reading to believe in Kaylor. It was that easy. A lot of the things Kaylor did seemed like some of the things I did to hide the gay from my family.

One thing I struggled with was Haylor. After reading about how PR relationships worked, in the back of my mind, I knew that Haylor was a sham. It was fake, and even more obvious than Tayvin. But because I had been emotionally attached to Haylor for years, I decided to force myself to believe it was still real. That it was NOT fake. I told my Haylor friends that I agreed that the Kaylors were indeed crazy; even though I secretly believed it for months.

Eventually, (and it took a LONG TIME) I accepted that Haylor was fake. And I changed my Haylor account to a Kaylor account. That’s it, right? I’m happily a Kaylor now! Well, not necessarily. INSTANTLY, the people I had been close to through Haylor had dumped me. I barely talk to any of them anymore, and granted, they didn’t want to talk to me. They thought I was delusional, crazy, and a “changed person” whether they said it to my face or not (and I could care less what they shipped! As long as they were respectful to what I shipped). I had no friends for a long time. Then I started meeting some people. Some AMAZING people. People who KNOW what’s it’s like to be closeted. Some people who believed in Kaylor and went through the same belief of doubt that Taylor wasn’t straight as I did. People who UNDERSTOOD.

All in all, I go smiling through the day knowing that Karlie and Taylor are happily together, out or in the closet. I go smiling through the day knowing that I have a beautiful fandom who understands all of this. I go smiling through the day knowing that someone as A-List popular as Taylor Swift is queer. Thank you for shining the light on Kaylor and bringing them into my life.

Cooking Lessons

You waited so long, nonnie! I hope you remember even requesting this. Thank you for being so patient!

Originally posted by yooneroos


Simon regretted this decision from the moment he entered the kitchen. Aside from the refrigerator, the room was completely foreign to him which made finding any of the utensils he needed a struggle.

“Are you cutting the vegetables like I told you to?” His mother asked from over the phone.

Simon rolled his eyes, biting on the inside of his cheek out of frustration, as he adjusted the phone’s position between his shoulder and ear.

“I am but I don’t see why it matters so much.”

“It doesn’t,” she stifled a laugh. “But it does make the meal look so much nicer.”

“Yah! You should have told me that.”

“Then you wouldn’t have done it and you want to make this properly, right?”

He tossed the paring knife back onto the cutting board, thinking about all the time he had wasted making each slice identical, as he checked the time. You were going to be home from work before he could finish making you dinner, that he knew, and he braced himself against the marble counter to quell his disappointment.

He would never understand why you stayed. Not after everything he put you through on a daily basis. He was a workaholic, he made no apologies about that, and he’d never felt the need to apologize for it until he’d met you.

There was something about you that he couldn’t shake. Someone so stunning and ambitious in your own right. It was like he made a list of everything he wanted in someone and it always amounted to you.

For the first time it felt like he was the one without steady footing in the relationship. He’d walked out of plenty of relationships before. There were only a few that he could say left a lasting impression on him but always, always, Simon knew he was in control.

But not with you. He looked at you and saw the possibility for a future that he had started to give up on. His parents knew it too. From the first time they met you, his father saying how proud he was of his son to finally find someone worthwhile as his mother insisted you called her “eomma.”

Simon shook his head, bringing himself out of his thoughts, as he moved the vegetables from the sauté pan and into the sauce he had been reducing per his mother’s instructions. He was only half paying attention to what she was saying. He offered the occasional “uh-huh” to show that he was still listening while he fiddled with the assortment of pots and pans he had on the stove.

“That’s great,” he said when the conversation lulled again. “Are you sure I’m not going to burn anything?”

“As long as you added the tomatoes you’ll be fine.”

She mumbled something about it being a miracle that he had survived so long on his own but he chose to ignore her. Instead, he stirred everything again just to be sure.

“Is that eomma?” You asked, setting your bag down and closing the front door.

Simon spun around to face you. He had planned on acting indifferent about it all as if cooking dinner was purely practical rather than any sort of romantic gesture. But here he was, wearing your apron with a sauce covered spoon in his hand, as you leaned against the kitchen doorway and smirked at him.

You could hear his mother’s voice nagging him to let her speak to you. He hung up on her without a word and set both the phone and spoon down on the counter.

“Mine for the night and you made dinner?” You teased.

“Don’t get used to it.”

You sauntered over to him, noting the way he looked you up and down, as you wrapped your arms around his waist.

“I wouldn’t dare,” you said, untying the apron and sliding it over his head. “But I do plan on making the most of it. How much time do I have until dinner’s ready?”

“Ten minutes.”

You pouted your bottom lip. Simon ran his tongue along his own and you knew he was imagining biting yours.

“Is that all?”

He could never resist you long. Especially not when it had been weeks since your last date night and food was the last thing on either of your minds. He pressed his lips hard against yours, hoisting you up so that your legs wrapped around him, and turned the burners down to simmer before carrying you to the sofa.

“Like you said, I’m all yours tonight.”

CEO!Luke: Chapter 29

Originally posted by beallamy

After a VERY long wait, here is Chapter 29 of my CEO!Luke Series. I’m very sorry for keeping you all waiting this long. I’ve struggled with the decision of ending this story but the love it has is unconditional so I’m not ending this anytime soon. More ideas have came to me and I’m excited to write again. I guess you can call this the START of Part 2 :)

Warning: Mature Themes (Smut)

Luke’s POV:

“Daddy look! Daddy look!” I hear my sweet little girl shout at me. Layla was dancing around in her favorite Cinderella costume around the living room. “I see you, Princess! You’re dancing is so beautiful” I smile admiring my little Princess. 

“Josie dance with me!” Layla asks her best friend. Josephine was born a few weeks after Layla. Clara and Michael’s world was changed that day as they welcomed their angel into the world.

Now, both 4 years old, Layla and Josephine are the best of friends. They remind me of Y/N and Clara. “I swear they are miniature clones of Clara and Y/N” Michael chuckles next to me as he was thinking the same thing. 

We were on babysit duty as our girls were out shopping. “Josie please be careful, Sweetheart” Michael asks his daughter who was spinning Layla around a little fast. I chuckle at our crazy goofballs. 

“Raise your hand if you want a grilled cheese for lunch!” I shout as they raised their tiny hands in the air even Michael raised his. I laugh as I saunter over to the kitchen and begin preparing lunch.

“Eh, Luke!? Mike calls out to me. “What’s up?” I reply while buttering the pan. “Did you take care of that business call earlier?” he asks. “Yes I did, Mike. You don’t have to worry about it. I took care of it” I tell him.

 Work was being a bitch lately but I am working from home at the moment since I want to be here for my girls. I know Y/N needs the help around the house and I wanted to help my wife out since she works so hard. My beautiful wife.

Working from home was so much better than having to go in the office everyday. I enjoyed being in the comfort of my own home. I could get things done more but once in awhile I went back to my building for meetings.

 Not having to wear a suit all the time was really quite awesome. I would walk around naked if it was just Y/N and I but Layla was in our world now and I know she wouldn’t wanna see her Daddy like that.

“Alright kiddos! Grab one while it’s hot!” I shout as the girls ran over to the table. “Thanks, Daddy!” Layla thanked me as she rips her sandwich in half admiring the cheese that flowed out. “You’re very welcome, Princess” I mumble kissing her cheek three times. “Yeah thanks Daddy!” Michael mimics Layla before biting in his. “Weirdo” I roll my eyes as I take a sip of coffee from my mug which Layla pained for me in art class.

“Uncle Luke?” Josie asks me. Josie had curly red hair just like Clara and had stunning green eyes like Michael. She was the perfect mix of them. “Yes dear?” I ask. “Can we watch The Wittle Mermaid” she asked me.

 We practically own all the Princess movies. “Of course we can! What do you think, Daddy?” I mimic Josie asking Michael. He gives me a glare as I know he has seen that movie more than a thousand times. “Anything for my girl” he smiles looking at her. “Yay! Yay!” she shouts.

“Mike set up the movie while I make these two some chocolate milk will ya?” I ask. “Yup” Michael groans and gets up from his chair. “Y/N really has all these movies color coordinated?” he asks inspecting the pile of movies. “Yeah she does that. You know how much of a perfectionist she is” I grin spinning the spoon into two pink cups. “Here you guys go” I say placing the cups down.

“Last one to the couch is a rotten egg!” Layla shouts as she blasts towards the couch. I prayed that none of the milk spilled onto the couch as they plopped down like tiny bombs onto it. 

Y/N’s POV:

“Which one? Red or dark green?” Clara asks me as she holds up two different dresses against her body. “Dark green is your color, Clara. I think we know that by know” I chuckle at her. “You never know! Another color could swoop around and look great on me!” she replies putting the red dress back on the rack.

Clara and I had the day to ourselves since Michael and Luke forced us out of the house. They claimed we work too hard and it was their turn to babysit. The offer was greatly appreciated and Clara and I both ran out of the house leaving our little ones with our husbands.

We got massages and our nails done. It has been awhile since I had either of those. We had been shopping and roaming about all day and I am pretty pooped out. I just want to relax on my couch with a nice glass of wine.

****

I closed the car door shut with my foot since my hands were filled with bags. I bought Layla more clothes than I bought myself. Clara was struggling with her door and all I did was laugh at her. “Don’t be a bitch” she growls at me which only fuels more laughter. She rolls her eyes at me as we make our way towards my front door.

Kicking the door open with her foot, Clara sings “We’re baaccckkk!” only to be shushed by all four of them sitting on the couch. Little Josie’s head turned around as she sweetly looks at her mom.

 “Mommy you gotta be quiet! Dis is da part where Ariel saves Ewic from da fiwe” she tries to explain. “Okay baby, I’m sorry. Keep on watching” Clara whispers kissing the top of her head.

I shut the door softly and place all my bags on the kitchen counter. I stop as my gaze fixates on the cute sight in front of me. My little Layla laying on Luke’s stomach wrapped in a fuzzy blanket as he holds her. It was the cutest thing ever seeing them cuddle like that. I know that Luke loves his time with Layla and I admire him so much. He shows her unconditional love and affection and I am so grateful he is like that.

Having him work from home is a huge help for me. Taking care of a four year old is tough but I am very pleased that we are passed the stage of the terrible two’s. Thinking back just gives me a headache. Layla would complain about everything and wouldn’t do anything Luke and I kindly asked her.

She would throw a tantrum while I tried to feed her and whenever it was time for bed she just exploded in tears. Now, she sleeps like an angel. I mean she is one. I believe that it was Luke’s decision to work from home that made her calm down. She always missed and asked when he was coming home on late nights. I would always tell her “Daddy will be home soon” but he always got back early the next morning.

She is definitely a Daddy’s girl. Just like I was with my father. They’re inseparable and their love to one another is magical. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I never like to interrupt their time with each other because I know Luke cherishes it. His baby girl is growing up and he wants to watch her every step and so do I.

Clara joined them on the couch and I took my bags upstairs careful to not make too much noise. I put the bags on Luke and I’s neatly made bed. I throw myself onto our bed and let out a big sigh. I’m exhausted just from shopping all day.

 Just thinking about answering emails later makes me cringe. I am now a sales representative for one of Luke’s good friend’s,  Noelle’s, skin care products. It’s amazing and we became very close the day we met. I use the product myself and my skin has never felt better.

I make very good money but from hard work of course. Noelle’s product is very successful and I was there when the sales blasted through the roof. I am glad to be apart of her company.

 Even though Luke was sad to see me leave, he knew it would be best for me. It makes me think back to when I would always file copies for him. Working for my husband changed my life but I am the happiest I have ever been now that he’s mine forever.

I sigh taking off my heels and my bra. I stare at my breasts in the mirror and notice that my nipples look puffier than usual. Probably getting my monthly gift soon I assume.

 After a few more seconds, I throw on a long sleeve shirt and a pair of leggings. We haven’t turned on the heat in the house yet since fall started but Luke always says “we will all cuddle for warmth around the fire” which always makes me laugh. I throw on a pair of fuzzy socks and some slippers. I grab my glasses and slide them on.

I skip down the stairs and the gang was still all there watching Ursula take Ariel’s voice away. I always hated that part. I smile as I see my angel holding her hands out to me. “Mama” she whispers to me. “Hi, Pumpkin!” I smile sweetly as I take her in my arms giving her a big hug and a kiss. “Cuddle with Daddy and me” she says. “Okay” I respond and lean back against Luke’s chest. He swings his arm around me as Layla snuggles herself into my body.

“Hey, Baby” Luke whispers in my ear. I turn my chin towards him and I gently grab the back of his neck kissing him sweetly against my lips for a few moments. Luke groans lowly into my lips as I pull away giving him a soft “hi”. He smirks at me as we both return to watch the movie.

****

Luke’s POV:

“Hey. I think we’re going to head out. It’s passed this little one’s bedtime” Michael whispers to me as nod his heads towards a sleeping Josie on Clara’s shoulder. “Alright, Man. Thanks for hanging out” I whisper as I notice my angels sleeping as well. “Anytime. Goodnight!” he says and slowly opens the door as his tiny family exits.

I escaped from underneath my sleeping wife and daughter. I gently picked up Layla since it was her bedtime as well. I covered Y/N in a blanket so she wouldn’t freeze while I put Layla down. I gently walked up the stairs and placed Layla down in her bed. 

She has slept in her Cinderella costume before. All she needs is her pink ladybug blanket and she’s all set for the night. I made sure to turn on her white noise machine along with her nightlight before leaving.

I was expecting Y/N to be sleeping on the couch still but she was sitting at the counter typing away on her Macbook. She looks so sexy in her black glasses and I always tell her that but she just doesn’t believe me. “Sweetheart, I thought you were sleeping” I say to her as she concentrates on the screen. “I was but then I remember I need to answer some emails from a few customers” she replies as I watch her fingers move quickly.

“Darling you should be resting today. You work yourself too hard” I say leaning on my arms on the counter in front of my working wife. “I just want to get this done. I have about twenty more then I’m done” she replies. Twenty!?

 “No. You’re going to relax, have a glass of wine, and cuddle with me on the couch” I order shutting her Macbook in front of her. “Hey!” she argues. “Go to the couch. Now” I say pointing towards the furniture. Y/N looks back at it like a child. So innocent looking as it was making me hard.

I pour us two glasses of our favorite red wine, Cabernet Sauvignon. I knew my baby needs to relax and this will sure help. Y/N waits for me to walk over. “Here you go, Love” I say handing her over a glass. “Hm. Thank you” she moans taking a sip. I watch her slowly. “Come here” I say opening my arms for her. She snuggles her body against mine as she covers us with a blanket. Y/N sighs as she stares at the ceiling.

“How was your day?” I ask playing with her hair. “It was nice. Thank you for watching her” she says referring to our sleeping joy upstairs. “My pleasure as always” I respond kissing the top of her head. 

“I missed you” I tell her because I really did. She has been constantly working and I barely get to show her my affection. “I missed you too, Lukey” she whispers turning her head towards me. I smile at my nickname she has always given me.

After a few more sips, I place both of our glasses on the coffee table. I take her body into mine and just hold her. I run my hand hand through her silky hair and massage her scalp knowing she loves the feeling.

 Y/N closes her eyes as I continue to rub away any stress she may have. “Luke?” she asks looking up into my eyes. “Yeah, Baby?” I ask curiously. “Can you please kiss me? I miss your lips” she states looking at mine. I swear my heart ached.

“Aw, Sweetheart. Fuck, I miss you” I say connecting our lips that haven’t met in a while. The feeling was so good. Her lips are addicting to me. She in general was like a drug I couldn’t get enough of. She placed her hand on my cheek like she always does when kissing me. I lied her down on the couch as I hover above her body not once disconnecting our lips.

“You’re so beautiful you know that?” I ask kissing all over her face. “Luke” she giggles. “Don’t tickle me because I don’t wanna wake Layla up” she whispers still laughing. “She won’t wake up. She’s able to sleep now” I tell her as I trail my lips down her neck. “Let loose, Sweetheart. Let me help you relax” I mumble kissing her collarbones. Y/N leans her head back allowing me more access.

She’s always puty in my hands once I’m in control. I love making her feel good. I sit up and take off my shirt in front of her. I shoot her a wink as I undo the strings of my sweatpants. Her eyes watch my fingers unloosen the knot. I love undressing myself in front of her and I love undressing her as well. 

I’m left in my boxers as I lean back down to kiss her once more. Kissing always led to sex with us or I guess with me. My wife is just too sexy and I always needed her.

Y/N takes off her shirt along with her leggings. “No bra?” I ask. “Luke, I don’t think I’ve worn a bra in two months” she smiled wrapping her arms around my neck. She was about to take off her glasses but I stopped her. 

“No. Keep them on. You look so studious and sexy in them” I growl biting her cheek gently. “You won’t ever stop saying that will you?” she smirks as my hands trail downwards to her perfect round bottom. “Nope” I say with a popping sound.

“Touch me” she begs as I am about to lose it. “I want you to ride my cock, Baby girl” I huff out. She nods and pushes me against the couch showing me the dominance she secretly has. I loved when she is a little rough with me. It’s sexy.

 “You gonna ride my cock good and fast, Princess?” I ask through gritted teeth holding her forehead to mine. “Yes, Daddy” Y/N whispers onto my mouth as straddles me. God, I love when she calls me that.

Even though that is what my sweet angel Layla calls me. My other Princess uses it for other reasons. “I love it when you call me that” I say spanking Y/N’s right cheek. “Now, now. Play nice, Lukey” she purrs.

 “You know how I get, Princess. With you looking so hot and sexy straddling me like this. My cock is so hard and ready for you” I growl kissing her. I’m never afraid of dirty talk with Y/N. I love it, she loves it, and it just makes everything more sexier.

It especially sounds sexy coming out of Y/N’s mouth. “My pussy is so wet for you, Lukey. Here, feel” she says slipping down onto my length. My eyes shutter at the feeling of her around me. Always a perfect, snug fit she is.

 “Bounce on my cock, Love. Show Daddy what he has been missing” I tell her. It’s true. Y/N and I haven’t been as intimate as we always have been. I’ve missed her and I know she missed me too by the way she moving on me right now proved that. 

“Fuck” I groan throwing my head back. I let Y/N do her thing as my hands stayed put on her flowing hips. “God, you ride my cock so fucking well. You’re perfect to me” I moan sliding my hands up and down her back.

 “Look at you. Bouncing on my hard cock like there is no tomorrow. You’re beautiful breasts in my face. You’re sexy hips moving around. God, I love you” I groan holding her against me as I begin to take control.

 I let Y/N rest her head on my shoulder as I begin to pound her. “Shit, Luke” she moans into my neck. “You close, Princess?” I ask as I feel it in my stomach. “Fuck yes fuck” she whispers grasping my hair. “Cum with me, Y/N. On three. 1..2..3!” I order as we both release. I hold my hand against Y/N’s mouth as she was too loud. “Shh, Baby. That’s it cum on cock” I whisper in her ear as we slow down our movements. 

After a few moments, I release my hand seeing her plump red lips. I kiss her gently as she smiles. “That was greatly needed” she whispers as I cover us with a blanket.

“Thank you for being such a great husband and father, Luke. You’re our hero” she whispers as my heart fills with warmth. “You and Layla are everything I have ever wanted” I reply kissing her again and again.

“You don’t think I woke her up do you?” she asks biting her forefinger. “Hope not” I chuckle. “Who said you could stop kissing me?” she frowns. “Damn, Baby” I laugh taking a sip from my wine.

 “Come back and kiss me you fool!” Y/N giggles as I lean down to her gorgeous lips. And so I kissed her. With everything I got and that eventually led to Round two…and three. 

The Machine never had the benefit of going to an ethics class. It probably taught itself ethics along the way and has struggled in making these very difficult decisions. It’s now struggling with the reality that it may have made some mistakes long the way. I think it came back to this moment of fragility and said to Finch “Hey, you made me in the first f***in’ place. If I’ve strayed too far from the mandate then there’s no better judge of that then you. So maybe I shouldn’t make it through this.” And I think the moment we arrived is one where Finch – and I wish these episodes could be an hour long but they can’t – is very much struggling with “Yeah, I’ve had my doubts and yeah you may have lost your way a little bit, but you still deserve to exist.” It’s an argument he makes to Caleb, who made a cameo on this episode, back in “2πR” when he said that it was better to have existed than to not have existed. Right? And the world is definitely a better place with the Machine in it. And that’s the resolution Finch comes to. Now what that’s going to look like next season in terms of Finch having to make some difficult choices as to how he brings the Machine back into the world, that’s a larger question.
—  Jonathan Nolan (x)

Today I finished this lil guy! I bought this my last week in Portland after finishing my previous one, and it has since been with me almost everywhere I go. This is the fastest I’ve filled a book, in just under eight months, and the things I’ve dealt with since starting this book have grown me; struggling with the decision to go back to school, working on my anxiety, trying to tackle my OCD that had consumed me, opening myself up to new opportunities and finding a new path for myself. My style has evolved as well and I’m finding new parts of myself through it. So now, on to the next one! And my long annoying sentimental rant is now over!

What is long-distance love?

A midnight Skype call that’s worth losing sleep
Staring at a phone, waiting for a beep
Crying alone, and difficult choices
Long flights and familiar voices.

A tight hug, making it last
The taste of your lips, gone too fast
Dinners and movies, most take for granted
The freedom of touch, always enchanted.

Heavy luggage and tearful goodbyes
Morning arrivals, stifled cries
Running for trains, feeling rushed
Sweaty t-shirts, gifts getting crushed.

Tough decisions, heartbreak of family
“Don’t you love us?”, “We’re sad, not angry”
Financial struggles, jobs and loans
Packing a suitcase, moving homes.

Happy and sad, laughs and upset
I have my love now, but still a hint of regret
My family so far, and all that I know
But we need challenges, to help us grow

The world is small, and flights ever cheaper
An ocean is wide, but I have a Visa
All isn’t lost, and a lot is gained
My family just a call away.

Long-distance love isn’t for the weak
But fate brings us to those we seek
Whether I am there, or you are here
We can conquer the world if I have you near.

By Katie (beautifullygaylife)

4

We would see a hidden place to teach our children harmony. If they understand, perhaps we would return.

Make your peace with the galaxy. The rachni are a dead race.

And Gideon kills the queen.

If the queen is more certain in its abilities to reign her children, maybe Gideon wouldn’t have pressed the button to extinguish the last rachni queen.

From Gideon’s perspective, if is not good enough. This cannot happen again. The Rachni War of the history books can’t happen again.

So, he presses the switch, watches as the queen stares at him balefully and then struggles and screeches against the acid.

And when the acid dissipates, it is dead and slumped over.

That is when he finally let himself feel a single ounce of sadness in running a species into extinction.

I’m so upset about the leave result for Britain and the EU and I know so many others are too. This is going to have so many negative effects on this country and, as usual, it will be the poor who will be effected most.
I feel so sorry for all of the immigrants here who must feel so unwanted right now, for all of the other young people worried about the future of their education, for the families in poverty who may struggle to feed their children, for the people who risk losing their jobs and for all of the people who are thinking about not being able to afford homes - when many couldn’t already. I feel for everyone that knows this decision will effect them.
This was a mistake, in my opinion, and I’m so annoyed that 16 and 17 year olds were not given the right to vote. Many of the leave voters are elderly and this is upsetting as they will not have to deal with the long term effects of this.
I’m just at a loss for words. What a mess.

CONFESSION:

Being in a long distance relationship and struggling to make friends in college makes some days real downers. I’m extremely grateful my boyfriend showed me the Dragon Age universe even though my first game was Inquisition. I love reading discussions others have about characters, theories, fanfics and plot decisions in the games. It makes me feel like I’m not so alone.

I love Yuri!!! on Ice with all my heart.

Outside of any apprehension I have, any decisions I question, and thoughts I had that were off base and I’ve hard to reconcile, I still love it so fiercely.

It’s given me a new lease on life. It’s given me my「2つのL」

It’s given me the ability to hope and dream and strive for something.

At the beginning I related deeply with both Yuuri and Victor. Their struggles. I continuously viewed the series through my own lens. Which for a long time was sufficient.

But they both have grown beyond me. My ability to read the series became clouded by my own feelings of anxiety and worry over the future.

And when they made choices so far beyond what I thought, what I could see, I was confused. How? Why? I’m still Yuuri in the parking garage, scared and waiting for someone to shelter me from the sounds of the world. I’m still scared everything is going to disappear if I mis-step, even if I know that’s not the case.

I am not brave enough to move to the next level. I would complete level one and step away.

But they are fighting on.

And I must too.

They have found their strength in their LIFE&LOVE.

And I will find my own.

THE SIGNS AS DISNEY  PRINCESS

Aries

Merida

Taurus

Belle

Gemini

Anastasia

Cancer

Elsa 

Leo

Jasmine

Virgo

Aurora

Libra

Cinderella

Scorpio

Megara

Sagittarius

Pocahontas

Capricorn

Mulan

Aquarius

Ariel

Pisces

Alice


Ok so it was like so hard and I struggled for a long time with a lot of characters, there were a lot of princess who could have been two or three signs (Pocahontas, also a Leo, Mulan also a Scorpio, Alice also aquarius, Aurora also pisces) and It’s been really hard for me to find a disney princess who fits the gemini sign perfectly so… Here is my final decision but let me think what you think of it :)

Stepping Down

I’m sure everyone has noticed an absence of my commentary as of late. I’ve been struggling with my depression and anxiety a lot lately and it’s pretty much been keeping me from doing much responsibility wise. Because of this I have decided that I need to cut down on my work load by stepping down as admin on Fuck Customers. I feel like this is what is best for my health, but I have to admit the decision was hard to make. I spent a long time thinking about whether I should or not but I think the reason I’ve been away for so long was my mind’s way of saying it’s time.

I haven’t been on my own personal blog much, but if you send me messages I’ll try to respond when I do happen to check in. I don’t want anyone to think I’m abandoning them. I’m just trying to do what’s best for me right now. Mandie has a good handle on things so you’re all in good hands. I hope everyone has more good shifts at work than bad. And, one last Abbyism, I hope your customers get locked out of their cars after they buy ice cream in 90 degree heat and it’s in the back seat melting. May their interior be forever sticky -Abby

Here’s my Jensen op from Minncon 2016.  

It’s taken me the longest to upload because it makes me so happy and yet so fucking emo every time I look at it.  This man, this fucking man right here… there’s just no fucking words honestly. When I went to Chicon14, I was so hyper focused on Jared, because he is such an inspiration to me and it was like a dream come true to be in the same space as him.  I largely only had eyes for him that entire weekend, because he’s like the goddamned sun and I couldn’t take my eyes away long enough to properly appreciate Jensen the way I should’ve.  And then after Chicon14, the #AKF campaign started up and subsequently so did Jared’s openness with the fandom about his own struggles with anxiety and depression.  That whole campaign has meant worlds to me, as it has so many others.  But then the whole Jibcon6 thing happened, where Jared had made the decision to sit it out and take care of himself instead.  And there came, Jensen, unwavering and strong–carrying on the show for his friend, because of his friend. Bottom line: it just really spoke to me.  

Jensen is an image of strength to me and utmost loyalty, two things that I admire and strive for in my own personal life.  My love for Jensen has grown in leaps and bounds, doubling and somersaulting in my chest, with every day that goes by–because he cares so deeply for those he loves.  He carries them, unquestionably, without ever losing a stride and he is everything that I hope my own friends can find in me.  And more importantly, I hope that he knows somewhere in his heart that we all love him and thank him for being such an amazing support and friend to Jared and his journey to always keep fighting. More than that, I hope he knows that we carry him too.  And that we hope he always keeps fighting (right alongside Jared).  

So that’s what I was thinking when this picture was taken.  And as luck would happen, my bracelet is perfectly visible with those words, my hand on Jensen’s arm–saying ‘I got you, too.’ 

<3

I just can’t get over how perfect the Robert and Aaron coupling is, it truly is Oakes’ greatest decision in the show to put them together. 

They’re both such long running characters, they’ve both been in the village since they were tiny. They’re both from two of the longest running and most iconic families in the show - the Sugdens and the Dingles, who have so much integrated history together, and have crossed paths so many times before. They both have difficult relationships with their parents, they both struggle to fit in with their families, they both left the village for significant periods of time, they both do bad but come good and then do bad again. They both like cars, they both like football, they’re the typical Prince and the Pauper trope.

I mean, their mothers (well step-mother) literally live and work together to co-own the longest running establishment in the show. They both arrived back into the village at similar times, they’re such classic characters - like when you go back, and look at them from Katie and Andy’s first wedding, you would never imagine that they would end up being one of the most popular pairings in the show. 

When you go back and look at Aaron being thrown out of Gordon’s house all those years ago, you would never imagine that the first person to ever know why would be Robert Sugden.

When you go back and look at Robert’s affair with Katie, and how much he loved her back then, it seems ridiculous to think that her death was a result of how much he loved Aaron Livesey. 

Because Diane and Chas must’ve talked so many times about Aaron and Robert whilst they were both away. They must have mentioned what Aaron was getting up to in France, how Robert was getting on in Mexico, how much they missed them, how often they contact their respective mothers…And then all of a sudden they’re embarking on this epic affair that practically destroys the entire village.

Out of all of the pairings in the show, beyond Victoria and someone else (sorry Adam, but I really want her to marry a Dingle), they are definitely the most interesting ones to watch. 

3

Happy New Year!

My tribute to Vincent Van Gogh as it was in the last day of 2015, roughly 6 months after I started. After taking these pictures, I worked on it a bit more. Therefore, as 2015, this is past already.

I spent long but passionate nights reading his letters and studying his paintings (other than “Starry night”, of course) and drawings (a whole new world previously unknown to me) and uncountable days working in this mosaic, which, disappointingly, is not even half finished.

Supply problems, financial shortages and difficult decisions paralyzed me more times than I expected, but still, I am reasonably happy with the emerging result. I struggled to find bright colored tiles I could use, and so far I have used around 20 different tile types. I really hope I will be able to complete my work in the course of 2016.

I really hope you like it as well. And I hope that, some day, I will be able to see the original “Starry night”. Who knows?

D4 G4M4
Rio, 1 January 2016.