i still laugh at this shit

The signs when they're drunk

This is from a personal experience LMAO

Aries: knows they’re drunk af but gets really fuckin upset when people try to help them and will constantly say “I’m not drunk I’m totally fine”

Taurus: they bring their own bottle because they don’t trust nobody lmao

Gemini: flirted with 90% of the people in the room by accident

Cancer: drunk af now theyre laughing at fucking everythinggggggggg

Leo: throwin that ass back

Virgo: drunk the whole damn bottle now they are passed out somewhere

Libra: still drinking & dancing with a big ass crowd

Scorpio: horny asf & somehow ended up naked

Sagittarius: talking about a bunch of shit

Capricorn: letting people lick alcohol off their bodies

Aquarius: literally going fucking nuts ( bRuh )

Pisces: the one drinking alcohol off of others peoples bodies, pisces aren’t that shy when that liquor is in their system ( I’ve seen this shit happen I thought he so was innocent LMAOOO )

keyofjetwolf  asked:

Friendship eh? I love that we can AND OFTEN DO spend all day talking about nothing at all, just trying to make each other laugh. I love that I know there's nothing I can't tell you YOU ALREADY THINK THE WORST OF ME YET HERE YOU STILL ARE. Nobody frustrates me like you, but nobody inspires me like you do either. You make me a better person. You're one of my best friends in the entire world and I love you. I particularly love that you're defenseless right now & this will make you impotently rage.

i hate everything about you so very much YOU KNOW I CAN TT HANDLE THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW ugh my eye is trying to leak yiu insouciant fuck

youtube

in the light of the new comeback and all the leaks and stuff, let us never forget the GREATEST leak in exo’s career. the wolf demo.

10

→ Catherine de Medici + Francis II, for @cassanabaratheon, Happy Birthday sweet <3

Roll for endowment...

Backstory, this is only my second ever campaign and I’m still new at D&D. I’m playing a half-elf, who had been knocked unconscious. We’re in a fight with boars, and all our tanks (who had been having a drinking competition nearby) only just arrived while the rest of us squishies (casters, healers) were being slaughtered. My boyfriend is playing a dwarf with an obsession for axes and antics. 

DM: [Dwarf] you are in reach of the boar goring [half-elf], who you can see is unconscious. What is your action? 

BF: I brandish my duel axes and charge! I take a flying leap over her body to attack the boar! 

DM: … Roll dexterity then damage

BF: *rolls high damage, but very low dexterity*

DM: You successfully embed you axes into the back of the boar, bloodying it but not quite killing it. Unfortunately, you have landed right on top of [half-elf]. [Half-elf] roll a death save.

Me: [doesn’t die thank god, and our paladin lays healing hands on my once the fight ends, I gain consciousness and the dwarf is still on me] 

DM: When you wake, you give the dwarf a weird look, and he is facing the other way so you are looking at…

BF (interrupting): Remember, I play bagpipes so I am wearing a skirt

DM (through laughter): …you are looking straight up the dwarfs kilt, and he isn’t wearing underwear! 

Other player: ROLL ENDOWMENT

DM (who is really losing it): …go ahead, roll

BF: *rolls Nat 1*

DM: [Half-elf], you are horrified

(at this point the entire party is in hysterics, and I’m in tears I’m laughing so hard as I pat my boyfriend on the shoulder)

I just want to
see you again
one day,
maybe
two or three
years from now.

you’re with
someone else,
someone new,

and you guys
are talking,
and laughing,
and I see that,
same beautiful,
lifetaking
smile of yours
I once knew
so well.

I want to
see you happy
with this person,
and not feel
envious, jealous,
or any pain…

I want to see you
happy,
and I want to be
happy
with you too,

for finding
something
at last that
we couldn’t
quite find
with each other
before.

I still love
the shit out
of you babe,
and I want
you to be
happy, always.

But, I also
want one day
to find at last
that one thing
I couldn’t
quite find
in myself
before.

Love for you
sure, of course,
always,

but finally,
finally,
love for
myself, too.

—  having a moment of honesty with myself (6/4/17), thekaijusleeps
Kitchen Favours

Jughead x Reader
No one asked for this, but I’ve had this idea in my head for ages so thought it was finally time to let it out into the world.
Prompt: Y/N and Jughead work at Pop’s together. Cheryl winds up Y/N which leads to a heated moment between Jughead and Y/N.
Warnings: Strong smut themes 

Originally posted by bettytail

“You know you don’t have to stay with me” you smile, setting down the waitress pad on the kitchen counter next to you. You lean your hip on the counter as you stare at Jughead, an apron still tied around his waist. Since the Drive-In closes Pop’s offered Jughead a job here, just a couple of nights a week, the odd weekend. He spend half of his life here anyway, Pop’s just thought he might as well make some money at the same time. 

You had been working at Pop’s for around a year now. You were the one who trained Jughead, not that the place was complicated at all. He’d even started to cook some of the food, helping out the chefs from time to time, like tonight, he was covering for the Thursday night chef.
“And what would you do if you got a order in?” he asks, raising his eyes in a cocky manner towards you, setting down a spatula on the counter next to you.
“I’m sure I can manage to flip a burger and cook a few fries” you smirk back, laughing at his confidence. When Jughead joined it was the first time you had ever spoken to each other. Sure, you had seen him around school, hanging with Archie Andrews and Betty Copper, but the two of you had never needed to speak to each other, or even acknowledge each others existence until a couple of weeks ago. Since then the two of you had create a little friendship based on flirty jokes which the both of you knew meant absolutely nothing.
“Are you calling my job easy?” He smirks back, taking a step closer to me. He stops at the counter, leaning himself against it as he looks down at me.
“I’m saying you shouldn’t underestimate me” I say with a wink, making him smirk even more. His head so close to mine as a piece of dark hair falls into his eyes, shading his already dark eyes.

“Anyway” I sigh, breaking away from the eye contact that neither of us seemed to break. “I was just thinking of you getting home. Won’t Archie and his dad be worried about you? Seeing as you were so careless not to tell them where you were” you tease him. He sighs as he takes a step back from the counter which he was still leaning against.
“Trust me, I think they’ll be fine. Fred is working late and Archie has Veronica round, so don’t think they’ll want disturbing for a while now” he rolled his eyes in an exaggerated manner.

It’s at that moment you hear the bell on the door ring, indicating you finally had customers. You walk out to see Cheryl and her minions sat in the booth closest to the kitchen you had just walked out of. You roll your eyes discretely at the sight of them, hoping they hadn’t seen. Placing a fake smile on your face you walk over.
“Hi” you smile politely, pulling out the pen you had balanced behind your ear.
“Look who it is girls” Cheryl gives an unfriendly smirk in your direction as the other two girls look over and start giggling. You look confused for a moment before choosing to ignore them. You tried to ignore the rumours and crap Cheryl often spread around so often. They usually were false, malicious attempts to hurt someone for no reason other then her boredom.
“What can I get you?”
“Tell me, Y/N” Cheryl says, folding her arms as an evil smile spreads across her face like a disease. “What was he like?”
“What was who like?” you ask, drawn into her comments just like she wanted.
“Moose?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Oh come on Y/N. Everyone knows he took your virginity last night. He’s telling anyone and everyone” she smirks, the other girls laughing.
“That’s… that’s a lie” you stutter.
“Right” they laugh like a pack of hyenas, you their new prey.
“Excuse me” you take a sharp intake of breath before walking back into the kitchen. Throwing your waitress pad back down on the counter as hard as possible, feeling more angry then anything.

“Wow. Y/N what’s wrong?” Jughead asks, his eyes wide from shock at your act.
“Just get rid of them please” you say through gritted teeth, pointing out the door to the restaurant.
“One second” he say, touching your arm gently as he walks out the door to the booth. You hear a mumbling sound before the bell rings on the door and the door slams shut behind them. Jughead cautiously walks back into the kitchen where you were still stood.

“Do you want to tell me what that was all about?” He asks confused, trying not to push too hard as your anger was clear.
“No.” you sigh, breathing deeply. Completely in shock of the moment. Why would they say that? Why would they think you and Moose even slept together in the first place? Unless… Unless Moose said it himself?
“That asshole!” you say to yourself through gritted teeth. You turn to faced Jughead who is still staring at you confused. “Moose is spreading a rumour that he took my virginity”
“Your a virgin?” Jughead jokes, giving a confused look.
“Now is not the time Jug”“
"Sorry. Sorry” he apologises honestly, holding up his hands as if to surrender. “Why would he do that?” he asks, finally walking forward so he was leaning on the counter in front of you. It was only a small kitchen so as the two of us stand there out feet practically touch.
“The idiot asked me out the other day. After everyone found out he was at Sweet-water with Kevin I guess he wanted to make people think that he wasn’t gay. I said no. He’s not my type anyway. The asshole must have got worried about his ego and made up some story about us going out. Which of course involved him taking my virginity” you sigh, tipping your head back too look at the bright lights on the ceiling.
“I’m sorry Y/N” he sighs, reaching over to hold you arm to console you.
“I can’t believe this. No way in a million years would I give my virginity to a jock, last of all Moose” you say with a small laugh, trying to calm yourself down, a little part of your blood still boiling as you think of all the shit you will have to deal with tomorrow.
“I can’t believe your still a virgin” he laughs.
“Ugh.” you groan, feeling the need to explode.
“I really can’t. Y/N your amazing. Anyone would be lucky to have yo-”

“No one seems to get me though Jug. Whenever you tell people it’ll be your first time they always tell you they’ll go slow with you. That your first time is special.” you blurt, taking a step forward due to this sudden wave of anger. “Well how can it be special if it’s just some awkward fumble on a guys couch or in the back of their car. Where’s the heat in that? People think they’re being so romantic in ‘I’ll take it slow with you’ but its not! I want the heat. I want the passion. That’s romantic. No one seem’s to get that.”

Jughead just stand there staring at you, looking you up and down as if tying to take in everything your saying.
“Even if my first time if with some stranger. Or it’s just a pointless one night stand. As long as it is not this typical teen fantasy of first times, I’ll be happy. I just want that fire, you know?” you look at him. His eyes suddenly darker then usual.
“Got it” he smirks, suddenly stepping closer to you, placing his arms under your legs and pushing you onto the kitchen counter behind you. Your head gently knocks the cupboard above the counter as suddenly his lips attach to yours. The breath is knocked out of you as you take in what is happening. His lips work desperately on yours, sucking on your lower lip as his hand cups the back of your neck, the other still placed on your leg, holding you tightly. You moan into the kiss, glad there were no customers tonight to hear the two of you.
His lips start to roam down your face to your neck, leaving a trail of kisses in his wake.
“Jughead…” you say breathlessly, part of you wanting to ask what was happening, the other part wanting to see what happened next.
You let out a loud moan as he begins to suck on a spot on your neck, sure to leave a mark later. Your hands roam to his head, pushing your hands through his already messy hair, pulling him closer so he smirks against your skin. Your legs wrap around his waist, bringing him in. Your hands pull on his hair as you roll your hips against his, making him moan just as loud.
Quickly his lips press against yours again as his hands roam down to the bottom of your black work t-shirt, pulling desperately on it. You pull your lips away from his and lift your arms as he pulls your shirt over your head, tossing it away on the floor, his lips immediately attaching back on your neck as he roams lower, biting lightly on your shoulder. Your hands finger the bottom of his shirt as you lift it up over his head.
His lips begin to roam lower then your shoulder, biting and sucking on parts of your skin. Your head falls back on the cupboard counter as his hand begins to roam up the inside of your thigh. You moan again as he bites a sensitive spot, his hand sliding further up your thigh. You hear him smirk against your skin as you moan, cocky with how he was giving you everything you craved.
“Shut it Jones” you say breathlessly as one hand slides down his back, the other going to his hair as you pull his head up to meet your, your lips crashing together again in a rush. Finally Jughead’s hand slips to the waistband of your jeans…

“Jughead. Y/N. I’m back” Pop’s shouts as he enters the diner.

Pinecones of Mass Destruction

In a Pathfinder game, our party gets attacked by some necromancy types accompanied with hordes of the undead. It gets to be my turn, playing my Vanara (monkeymonk) I scale a tree. The following ensues come the next round:

Me: I grab a pine-cone, aiming for one of the suspiciously robed figures below me…

DM: I’m not gonna put much behind that as a weapon…I mean, it is a pine-cone.

Me: And I pelt the thing at the guys head. (Rolls Nat20)

DM (laughing): O-okay…Roll again!

Me: (Rolls another NAT20 thereby insta-killing the poor sod I aimed at.)

DM (still laughing. now with everyone else): RIGHT. So you throw this pine-cone so hard, and your aim is so precise that you manage to hit the spot where this guy had some kind of head injury as a child, and just…decimate his entire skull with your pine-cone. He just kind of…slumps to the ground, along with the  six zombies around him. 

So the round goes on, the zombies take their turns, and it falls to me again.

DM: So what are you doing?

Me: …Gathering pine-cones.

THE SIGNS AS LORDE LYRICS

Aries:  We gladiate but I guess we’re really fighting ourselves. Roughing up our minds so we’re ready when the kill time comes. Wide awake in bed, words in my brain, “Secretly you love this do you even wanna go free?” - “Glory And Gore”

Taurus:  We’re never done with killing time. Can I kill it with you, ‘til the veins run red and blue? We come around here all the time, got a lot to not do. Let me kill it with you. - “400 Lux”

Gemini:  Baby be the class clown, I’ll be the beauty queen in tears. It’s a new art form showing people how little we care. We’re so happy, even when we’re smiling out of fear. - “Tennis Court”

Cancer:  My mother’s love is choking me. I’m sick of words that hang above my head. What about the kid? It’s time the kid got free. - “The Love Club”

Leo:  There’s nothing I want but money and time, million dollar bills and a tick tick tick tick. There’s nothing more cruel than only nine lives, a limit in spite will do the trick trick trick trick. - “Million Dollar Bills”

Virgo:  Cola with the burnt-out taste. I’m the one you tell your fears to.
There’ll never be enough of us.
- “Buzzcut Season”

Libra:  Dancing around the lies we tell. Dancing around big eyes as well.
Even the comatose, they don’t dance and tell.
- “Team”

Scorpio:  This dream isn’t feeling sweet, we’re reeling through the midnight streets. And I’ve never felt more alone. It feels so scary getting old. - “Ribs”

Sagittarius:  Don’t you think that it’s boring how people talk, making smart with their words again, well I’m bored. Because I’m doing this for the thrill of it, killing it, never not chasing a million things I want. - “Tennis Court”

Capricorn:  All work and no play, let me count the bruises. All business all day, keeps me up a level. All work and no play, lonely on the new shit, yeah. - “Still Sane”

Aquarius:  Raise a glass, ‘cause I’m not done saying it. They all wanna get rough, get away with it. Let 'em talk 'cause we’re dancing in this world alone, world alone, we’re all alone. - “A World Alone”

Pisces:  You’re the only friend I need, sharing beds like little kids. And laughing 'til our ribs get tough, but that will never be enough. - “Ribs”

Mbti types as I know them

ENFJ

- sinnamon rolls
- will legit not let you do anything yourself
- looks constipated when can’t give advice
- BEST HUGS
- food is joy
- will probably die early from Se impulse
- the sleepy drunk

INFJ

- soft spoken
- omg get a backbone pls
- that mile long stare though
- your soul will be touched, you have no say
- smart as heck but struggles with delivery
- needs hugs often but won’t say

ENTJ

- please chill
- explanation (excuse) for everything
- the humor, the banter, it’s glorious
- gets jealous
- best gift giver
- closet romantic
- actually change their game plan often
- so impatient, why haven’t they exploded yet
- self destructive, pls stop that
- all or nothing mentality
- you’re under their protection now
- no substitutions, exchanges, or refunds
- their confused face is adorable
- many funny faces actually

INTJ

- knows best way to kill everyone they know
- sharp fashion sense
- your suffering is their life force
- SO COMPETITIVE
- death threats = affection
- judgement stare is default
- will probably die an ironic death
- clumsy af, how are they still alive
- is convinced everyone hates them
- your friend for life, deal with it
- low key worries about everything until ill
- refers to sleep as “death practice”
- catchphrase “NOBODY LISTENS TO ME”

ISTP

- is known at work as “the mean one”
- roadrage
- low key loves dramatic flare
- so. many. poop jokes.
- actually v cuddly
- doesn’t need you but wants you around
- always has an escape route
- is either everywhere or asleep
- fantastic cook, like damn
- “it depends”
- invented the shoulder shrug
- “stop helping, I’m capable!”
- at least 30 mins late to everything

ESFP

- contagious laugh, goodbye oxygen
- ask them why to everything, they hate it
- even more poop jokes
- hardcore foodie
- STOP BUYING THINGS YOU’RE BROKE
- gets randomly deep it’s great
- actually super shy at first
- brunt of everyone’s jokes sorry/not sorry
- prone to near death experiences

ESFJ

- golden retriever personified
- you’ll ask “who are you talking about” alot
- dumbest bestest memes
- devious
- easily disturbed
- brush everything off
- but still judge you
- lots of judging
- take a break pls

ISTJ

- REFERENCES
- nerd. geek. all of it
- pretty chill
- true old soul
- adventurous
- sassy
- always looks amused?
- everyone’s dad
- v broody

ENFP

- brace yourselves for feels
- slut for depth
- seriously it’s in everything they say/do
- “fight the man!”
- self proclaimed savior to the world
- your eternal biggest fan
- free spirit hippies man
- radiates positivity
- arch nemesis is monotony
- gets shit done…​eventually
- parties all night long
- loud laugh
- HUGS. ALL OF THE HUGS
- falls asleep anytime, anywhere

Eren: *looks at search history*

search history: riren smut fanfic + audio

Levi: hey eren what are you doing

Eren: *gets scared and accidentally clicks on the link*

big-ass title on the screen: riren smut fanfic + audio 18+

Eren: this is not what it looks like

DM: Okay, so, you two just following the guard captain back to the room with that criminal and your party member?

Rogue: Yep.

DM: Alright. The guardsman, uh… stops in front of the door, spends a second tying his shoe, then kicks the door down like a badass, sword at the ready and pointed into the room. He’s prepared to fight whoever is inside.

Warlock: We’re sitting and playing cards.

DM: *suppressing laughter* I… okay??

Warlock: We’re playing bridge.

DM: That is… fully in his character, so sure. I… *rolls some dice* Well, he just rolled a 19 Charisma check, so I guess he doesn’t even look up from the game when this happens, he’s super unfazed, probably because the captain does this every time he busts a perp. I… he doesn’t know how to play bridge and is still in the manacles, so you’re definitely winning.

Warlock: *laughing* Okay??

Rogue: “What the hell did we miss??”

lunaaltare  asked:

Imagine Steve, after a rough battle, being stuck in the hospital. He's high off whatever the doctors gave him and loopy as hell. Whenever Sam visits, Steve hopelessly tries to flirt with him and the moment Sam tells him they're married already, Steve's basically sobbing.

“Did it hurt?” Steve slurs.

“What? You’re the one that fell off a building and then got shot.”

“When you fell from heaven.”

Sam starts laughing, “Oh my god.”

“‘M serious!” Steve says, trying to sit up a little before Sam pushes him back down gently with a hand on on his chest. “You look like an angel. You even have a halo!”

“Steve I think that’s just the painkillers talking.”

“Nuh-uh. I see it. Right there.” Steve reaches up and accidentally pokes Sam in the eye. “Oh no! Oh no! I hurt you. Come here. Let me kiss it and make it better.”

“You’re just trying to get a kiss out of me.”

“Well can you blame me? You’re so cute. Really cute, you are. An angel sent down from heaven just to keep me company.”

“You’re awful,” Sam tells him, still laughing.

“Who’s the lucky guy that gets to kiss on you? I wish it were me. How can it be me? Tell me, Sam. What do I gotta do to get a guy like you?”

“Well you’re in luck,” Sam says, reaching out to take Steve’s hand. He picks up Steve’s left hand and shows it to him. “See that wedding band?” Then he holds up his left hand too.

“Crap,” Steve says, making a really distressed face. “I’m married? Oh no. My husband is going to kill me for flirting with you.”

“Man, what did they give you? Holy shit. You’re married to me, asshole. You’re my husband.”

Steve’s eyes get so big that Sam’s actually afraid they might just fall out of his head. “We’re married!?”

“Yes, Steve. We’re married.”

“It’s me?! You’re my husband?! I get to kiss on you! I have an angel for a husband!” Steve’s body starts to practically melt back into the hospital bed. He keeps a tight hold on Sam’s hand and closes his eyes. “How did I pull that one off?”

Sam brings their joined hands up to his mouth and presses a soft kiss to Steve’s knuckles. “I have no idea.”