i spent way too long on it and i'm still not happy

to build a home

‘She smiles, and he smiles, and it feels like something settles inside her, something she hadn’t even realized was out of place.’ CS. Adoption fic. 

Notes: So I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, and have been working on it for a while, too. Title comes from the song of the same name by Cinematic Orchestra but the song itself in no way relates to this fic. Special thanks to @jadeddiva​ and @swallowedsong​ for listening to me drone on about this fic, and reading it over and such. Enjoy. 

            It starts simply, quietly. Some group gathering or other, seeing him with Roland, with her brother. Seeing the way he smiled at her son and ruffled his hair. Hearing the two of them up late in the kitchen, talking. It made something in her shift, want—want something she’s not sure she ever really wanted in the first place. But it grows stronger, the more time passes—the desire to see him like this with a kid that is theirs.

            She doesn’t tell him, of course, because that would be easy, because that would make sense, because why should they do this the easy way? Why should she tell her husband, the love of her life—her true love for God’s sake—that she wants to have a baby? Another baby, a baby with him. A baby she won’t be so afraid of and afraid for, whose movements will be welcome reminders rather than painful ones—whose birth will cause so much joy and not the feeling like her chest might cave in on itself for how much it hurts.

            A baby she will hold when he’s born, whom she will look down on and smile at and love because she’s capable of it, now, knows she can do it, now, knows she can love and is loved and—

            Fuck. She wants that.

            Everything she missed with Henry and more.

            And she wants it with him, her husband with the smirk and the eyebrow and the leather jacket and terrible bed head, who makes the best pancakes and takes them out sailing and loves her more than she ever thought anyone would ever love her. She wants to share this with him, because she looks at him with the other people in their life and she knows he would be such a good dad.

            (He’s already been such a good father figure for Henry, and some nights she can barely bite back the tears that her son has this.)

            But she doesn’t tell him, of course not.

            That would be dumb.

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anonymous asked:

If you're taking prompts, can you do deancas "you just proposed to me days before my big planned proposal - TAKE IT BACK" + misunderstandings & eventual fluff? <3 just read something you wrote in the deancas tag and I loved it!

In retrospect, he could have handled the situation better.  He says as much to Sam, who gives him a witherlng look even as he passes over a beer.  

“You think?  You literally told my brother that getting married was ‘wrong.’”

“I told him that ‘this,’ as in the proposal was wrong.”

“I can guarantee that is not the way he took it, Cas,” Sam says, pursing his lips.  “He’s spent almost his whole life living in denial about his sexuality, and just when he’s finally accepted that it’s okay to like men too…”

Cas hangs his head.  “Do you - do you think that maybe he’ll still want to marry me?”

Sam’s eyes are pitying when he answers.  “He’ll hate himself for it, but he’ll never stop wanting everything with you, Cas.”

“Can I fix it?”

There’s no hesitation.  “If you explain why you said what you said, then yeah, man.”

But that’s not what Cas means.  “No, Sam.  Can I?  I’m asking for your blessing.”

Sam looks stunned.  Then, smiling softly, he claps a hand on Cas’s shoulder.  “Very few things could make me as happy, Cas.  We’re as good as brothers anyway.”

Dean comes back looking exhausted.  He enters their room and sighs heavily when Cas looks up from the desk.  

“Hey, Cas,” he says, voice tired.  “Sorry for the - you know.  For leaving and shit.  I know we agreed we wouldn’t do that anymore.”  There’s something in his hand that he fiddles with.  It’s the ring box he tried to give Cas earlier that day.  He stares down at it with a frown.  “Also, sorry for springing this on you.  It was - it was a dumb idea.  I mean, of course it’s dumb.  Wouldn’t even be legal, me being a fugitive and you being - well, nonexistent, technically.”  He chuckles, though Cas knows he doesn’t find anything funny.  “Don’t know why I even asked.”

Cas listens to this all with a frown on his face.  When Dean sighs again and moves with tired limbs to sit down on their bed, Cas joins him.  “It wasn’t a dumb idea, Dean,” he says, taking the ring box from him.  

He opens it and finds a simple silver band, dinged up and imperfect, but probably handcrafted in some small quirky hobby shop that Dean stopped in on the way back from a hunt.  When Cas picks it up and examines it, there’s an inscription on the inside.  Castiel Winchester, it reads.

“Sappy shit, I know,” Dean mumbles, “And fucking presumptuous, I guess.  Didn’t know if you wanted to take my n - “ He stops himself just in time and looks down, closing his eyes in mortification.

While Dean’s eyes are closed, Cas slips the band on his finger.  He shuts the box and places it behind him.  Fumbling, he retrieves a similar box from his pocket and folds it into Dean’s hands.

The crestfallen look on Dean’s face when he opens his eyes is almost too much.  Cas holds up his left hand, where the ring shines.

Dean’s face only falls some more.  “Cas, don’t do it because you feel sorry for me.  I don’t want to make you marry me.”

Cas shakes his head.  “Dean, when I said it was ‘wrong,’ I meant that the proposal was wrong.”  He kisses Dean, just a tiny one that Dean chases after, before saying, “Look at the box I gave you.”

Confusion mars Dean’s face when he lifts the box in his hands.  “This isn’t the one I gave you.”

“No, it isn’t,” Cas agrees.

Dean opens it.  His eyebrows furrow when he sees the silver ring nestled in the velvet, but then it clicks.  His mouth falls open, and he looks at Cas with hope gathering in his eyes.  

“Will you marry me, Dean?”

There’s suddenly a grin on Dean’s face.  Finally.  “You’re such a fucker, Cas,” he says, reaching forward to tug Cas’s face toward his.  He kisses Cas, long and lush, and grins when he feels the chill of Cas’s ring on his face.

“Are you going to put it on?” Cas asks in a soft voice when they draw apart.

Dean plucks the ring out of the box.  He slips it onto his finger and admires it.  When he looks at Cas, his eyes are glossy.  “We’re getting married,” he breathes, his hand reaching for Cas’s.

Cas feels his voice break when he says, “Castiel Winchester sounds like a good name.”