i should feel worse about this

Does it make me a bad person that I am so excited over that spoiler pic of Aaron having a panic attack. Sure, I’d rather he didn’t have to suffer through it but Robert’s going to be there, which is what I wanted from the last time he had one, and hopefully this means Aaron’s going to get some proper help because they’re not just dropping his mental health issues. 

Not to mention the fact that it’s looking more and more likely that he’s going to get spooked by Robert as he comes up behind him, which is then going to mean he’s going to lash out, and the fall out from him hitting Robert is going to be amazing, and they’re going to actually talk about what happened to him in prison, and it’s going to make Robert feel even worse once he finds out the full extent of it. (and breathe)

Yep, pretty sure that I should not be getting this excited about someone having a panic attack and hitting their husband.

//mun thoughts. i’m starting to doubt that i should draw anymore. i know it seems stupid to say after thirty years, but everywhere i look people get more notes than me. i give out half those notes myself but it just feels like this is  a young man’s world and art isn’t getting better for me it’s stagnated and no matter how hard i try i just feel like in the end i’m in the shadow of folks better than me, or worse than me but are more popular anyway. is it just me? please tell me if there are other okay artists out there that have a unique style but no one gives two shits about their artwork either. because if there is even just one person as ok as me that is also being ignored. then maybe i’ll keep drawing for another 30 years\

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

why havent you been blogging about me:a

idk i don’t really wanna award an overhyped, underdeveloped game with any more attention

no shame to anyone who has been enjoying it like you do you that’s the entire point of games but i’ve seen a lot of people reaching/trying to convince themselves to enjoy it and it’s like….that’s sad

technical issues of the game aside there’s also some really icky stuff re: their treatement of LGBT characters like there always has been. none of us should have to settle for scraps and “well it could be a lot worse”

i just feel like bioware treated their fans like they’re unable to be critical/recognize what a shit rush job they did on this game, not to mention the fandom is being obnoxious about anyone who brings up actual concerns/criticisms.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

i want someone to ask me what’s wrong and let me vent to them but even if they ask, i just end up saying i’m fine and i turn the conversation around onto how they are

i want someone to hug me tightly and let me sob into their chest and not let go until i’m okay because it’s so fucking hard trying to handle all of this on my own

i want people to help and i want to tell them just how shitty and difficult everything is but the reality is that i can’t open up to people because my problems are not valid or worthy of attention and talking about it makes me feel like i’m manipulating everyone

other people have it worse which means i should just suck it up and be grateful that i have things like food, clothes and shelter. but oh my god, i am just SO fucking miserable. i would give anything to just be happy, to not wake up disappointed that i didn’t die in my sleep, to not spend every day crying and shaking with anxiety and thinking about hurting and killing myself

i want to be calm, happy and at peace. i feel like i’m at war with my brain and it’s so draining, so exhausting and i feel like the most pathetic, worthless person in the world

stop ! telling ! chronically ! ill ! people! “at least it’s not cancer”

you are not reassuring me, and I know many others feel the same way

you are making me feel invalidated, that my complaints are unjustified, that I can’t complain about my own illness bc ‘other people have it worse’ 

suffering doesn’t need to be compared

illnesses are different. they don’t need to and can’t be compared

and stop implying that we should be happy and content that it’s not something worse. it feels a lot like you’re trying to silence us

4

For a second, can we just please appreciate Kai and Tae’s skin tone. It’s no doubt the two are Handsome, seeing as they are both Visuals of their perspective groups. But we are all well aware they have both been ridiculed for their darker skin. In contrast to a few other members, and apparently the country itself they are not the ideal skin type. I have seen a few people comment on their skin tone as if it’s the worse thing in the world, them being whitewashed in photo shoots as if they aren’t stunning without the photoshop. It all sucks. As a Black Woman, and a dark skin one at that even as a joke it hurts when someone acts like skin tone defines you. 

Neither should have to apologize or feel bad about their skin color. They are both Beautiful as they are so if you are part of the group that berates them for not being as pale as the beauty standards say you are no fan. This is a sensitive topic and should not be joked around with.

Shit Abled People Say #246

Lot’s of people: “you should put away your phone before you go to bed, and you wouldn’t have trouble falling asleep.”
Would be reasonable advise if i didn’t keep explaining that my anxiety gets worse at night and my phone keeps me distracted and calm until i get tired enough to fall asleep. Please listen.

Book Collage based on ‘Anna and the French Kiss’ by naturallysteph (Stephanie Perkins)

Lola/Isla will hopefully come at some point, hopefully.

You can see the rest of my book collages HERE

PSA: It’s OK to block me.

I’m serious. Nobody is perfect. I do my best not to upset anyone, but sometimes certain behaviors are just triggering to others. Maybe my OOC is overwhelming you, maybe I just IM you at the worst times, maybe I ask about our threads just a little too much.
I would much rather we talk about what’s wrong, but if the thought of any potential conflict makes you worse, I understand. I’m not the type of person who will attack you or start drama because I’ve been blocked or unfollowed. I’ll probably be a bit hurt. I’ll probably wonder why. But I won’t let it consume me.
We all have a right to do what we need to do to feel secure. I will exercise this right. You should, too. Remember, blocks aren’t permanent – I’ll be here if you ever feel safe enough to talk.

Reblog If You Agree

“A Girl Like You” is amazing from start to finish, but my absolute favourite part is the part where Annalise describes her breakfast, and then looks completely embarrassed.

You can tell she’s thinking what a lot of the audience is thinking:

“This girl has to walk for miles to get a breakfast that she gets charged for eating, and I’m complaining that I can’t just stay in and read all day? I’m so selfish and petty.”

But then Erika says, “I feel just as trapped as you. I want to escape and live my dreams, too. We’re just the same!”

And I feel like this moment was directed to anyone who felt that Annalise should just shut up, smile, and marry, by having the one person who should have had the right to say that, who in fact started off her portion of the duet with a slightly sarcastic comment about how she feels that she’s worse off than Annalise, turn around and empathize with her.

I love it.

jokes aside, can we just talk about bum killing or even helping kill jieun is 10 times worse because bum can relate to jieun. he was in her shoes once. catching themselves falling in love with sangwoo - his kindness, his sweet nature - only to find he’s anything but. entire perception of sangwoo’s character crumbling before their frantic eyes. jieun will go through the same bout of disbelief bum did, the same tears, the same fear for her life and while her pleas mirror his own, bum will have to kill her. he’s going to have to kill someone who was in the same shitty position he was months ago. that’s pretty huge.

One day all your old best friends are going to stop talking to you. And that girl that you had your first crush on will move away. And your childhood pet will finally sink into their last dream. It makes you think.

It makes you think about how shitty it all really is. Yeah, things are kind of looking up, but you can’t have the careless wonder you did in your childhood. There are no more knights to defend your castle (they couldn’t stand being around you anymore). And you’ll feel hollow and lonely and just foolish. Everybody goes through this, right? You should be happy. Things could be worse. And you finally found somebody that you can be happy with but all you can do is think about how you’re just awful to them and why they haven’t left you yet.

And I guess you could say that you started thinking like that the first time you were picked last for the kickball game, or how you didn’t get invited to that slumber party, or maybe it was the way that somebody you used to be close to would stop talking to you altogether. That maybe you weren’t good enough, or maybe you never were. You’ll think that you’re over it, that it won’t hurt you anymore. But you’ll see an old picture, drive by an old hang out, or smell an old smell, and then you realize—it never really stops hurting.

It hasn’t yet.

—  maybe i’m just being nostalgic//excerpt from a book i’ll never write #44

ppl who draw/think of rey as a hairless photoshoot-ready makeup-wearing sun goddess weird the shit outta me cos like……… ya girl literally lived her whole life in a desert where all she did was scavenge around for junk and eat nothing but magical bread and probably bugs and shit

tbh rey probably has the most hairy legs in the galaxy, they’re even worse than chewie’s, and even better honestly she and everybody else in the galaxy does not give a fuck about them

please read

I actually never told my opinion about all those kpop wars becuase I didn’t want to cause next one BUT after MMA and MAMA things went even worse and I couldn’t let it in anymore. This may be too long but those who care about their idols please read it all and tell me how you feel about my opinion BECAUSE my opinions aren’t perfect nor yours nor anyones. We all think differetly about this situation but EVERYONE has a point somewhere.

First of all, I know that the “BTS doesn’t deserve MMA award let’s call to Melon to tell them they should give the award to EXO” war was caused mainly because of korean fans. Well, at least from what I read, everywhere were korean exo-ls complaining about it. I didn’t care about this that much because Melon CAN’T do something like this. 

Then there are, how I call it, “childish wars” between ARMYs and EXOLs. Honestly… Do you really have to? Are you that childish to complain or hate or stick out EVERY fucking thing the idols do? Do you really have to compare your idols to someone else? Are you really that low that you have to do that? The “oh look, BTS are so rude to not bow politely while recieving the award. beucase oh look Suho bowed 90° he is the existence of perfection and decency” OR “oh look, Lay’s speech was so rude, instead of thanking his fans and staff and family and members for that award that he doesn’t deserve he insulted BTS and said that they’re kings and no one can replace them.” 

*sighs* *sighs* *siiiiiiiiiiighs* *shows you my finger that is between ring finger and index finger* don’t want to be that rude so yeah, but i know you got it. 

I didn’t hear a word about BTS in Lay’s speech. I didn’t saw BTS not bowing while recieving the award. 

I fucking heard Lay being grateful and showing exo-ls their love and gratitude. I fucking saw all BTS members bowing while recieving the award and bowing 90° to fans at the end. 

SO SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH. YOU JUST SEE WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE. ehm… sorry for my burst. So… Yeah, those fans who bash other idols all the time, the shame is on you, the fault is yours. Can’t you see your beloved idols are trying so hard to accomplish your dreams and wishes? They’re trying so hard to show you that they’re someone who you can be proud of. So why would you do something that can hurt them or their career or their lives or lives of their family? Why are you so selfish? Stop wearing those pink glasses and try to look at the world from someone else’s point of view. Try to understand someone else’s opinion, situation. I’m not saying you can’t have your opinion EVERYBODY CAN but try to understand sometimes.

If I could compare kpop to something, it would be food. Kpop industry in general.

Kpop is the food and fans are the eaters. 

When you’re listening to a music you either start stanning a group immediately or after some time. But that’s not important. The important is that when you eat something and you really like it you’ll eat it as much as you can. Maybe every day or every week. But there is some food that when you tasteit you don’t like it. And what do you do with food you don’t like? Do you tweet about them saying how awful they are? How much you hate them? Do you tweet about every signle piece of the food every day saying how they don’t deserve to be on plate? Or do you just throw it away and don’t eat it anymore? You’ll stop eating it right? You’ll say your mom or idk whoever to not to cook that again because you don’t like it. You’ll come to restaurant and order something you like and not something you don’t like. You won’t order something and then stare at it the whole time, then bringing your phone and tweeting about how you hate it. It’s waste of your time and money, right? 

So tell me WHY the fuck do you do this to idols? 

Why don’t you just live happy life listening to your favorite group, tweeting them about how much you love them and how much are you proud of them. Why would you spend your time bashing other’s succes, effort and dreams?

Also I’m not saying you can’t say something against someone who is bashing your idol BUT try to be more mature than them and talk to them. If they don’t listen, they are not worth it. They’re not worth your effort. So just leave them. You said what you wanted and that’s enough.

Man, I don’t know if I told everything but I hope so. I also hope that someone will read it till the end and think about it. I’m not saying that you should listen to me but try to think and understand. This is just my opinion and I needed to write my thoughts out because my mind would just *BAM* if I didn’t.

As one wise human said: “Don’t judge the fandom because of a fan. But don’t judge a fan because of the fandom either.” There is nothing more accurate than this.

Also this is not related to ARMYs and EXOLs only! I just write them as an example because I’m ARMY and I also love listening to EXO and well let’s be honest… those two fandoms are getting worse and worse. But still, I’m not ashamed of calling myself an ARMY because I’m so so so proud to call myself a fan of BTS. AND YOU should be proud too! Be proud of what and who you like!

As I said this is related to kpop industry in general.

it’s a mess i know but i hope you get my point

3

prompts #1, #18 and #49 requested by @green-days-american-idiot  

A wince escaped you as Dean finished the last few stitches on your forearm, his eyes rose to yours as he stopped for a moment; waiting for the go ahead. You gave him a small nod as he continued; biting the inside of your cheek to keep yourself from moving… you didn’t need Dean feeling any worse about the situation.

His face stayed still as he bandaged up your arm, immediately getting up once he was finished. He turned away from you for a second before you opened your mouth.

“This wasn’t your fault” you said quietly, careful to approach the situation as Dean turned to face you.

“I should’ve known there would be more vampires, there always are” he argued before you stood up, feeling your knees wobble before you placed a hand on the table to keep yourself up.

“Look at you” he put his arm out, “You’re hurt and it’s my fault!” he let out a breath before looking down at the floor.

“But it isn’t, Dean! It was my mistake; I was the one who relaxed too soon. I should’ve known to stay cautious” you replied, trying to get him to see it from your point of view.

“All I do is screw things up, Y/N… even if this wasn’t my fault, whenever you’re with me you get hurt” he looked up at you, his eyes becoming watery as he thought of even the possibility of losing you.

“If we weren’t together, you wouldn’t get hurt” he continued before clenching his jaw as you sucked in a breath, holding back any signs of tears in your eyes.

“Don’t you say that… not you” you pleaded as you reached forward, your hand gently grabbing his. You let out a relieved sigh when he didn’t pull away, his eyes just stayed glued to yours.

“I’m bound to get hurt every now and then… and so are you! That’s just w-what this job is” you tried to convince him to listen to you, tried to tell him that it wasn’t his fault.

“I’d rather die than see you get hurt…” he whispered softly before you cupped his face gently in your hand, feeling him lean against it.

You moved your arms to his shoulders, pulling him down as you wrapped your arms around him; feeling his arms instantly wrap tightly around you as if you could leave him at any moment.

“I wish I could stop loving you, I hate seeing you in pain” he said softly before pulling away, his hands resting on your hips.

“You can’t do this to yourself, Dean. I’m okay, and I’m never going to leave you… I love you” you replied with a small smile, your hands resting against his chest.

“I love you too, so damn much” he shook his head slightly before pulling you towards him, his lips brushing softly against yours before you crashed them together. His hands cupped your cheeks, wishing he could never let you go.

Hello, baby. Part 22

Sitting against the cold concrete wall, I lift my head up and lean it back. My eyes burn as I open them from crying throughout the night.
I feel like I should be stronger, for myself and for J but I hate thinking about him coming back here. I could care less what they do to me but if he comes back, what if they keep him, make him worse or what if he forgets me, what if they kill him. 

A slot in the door opens up, a tray of food gets shoved through and it falls all over the floor. They slide a small cup of water through and that also makes a mess on the floor.
I stay curled up against the wall, i want to show them exactly how I feel but that’s exactly what they want. 

 "Stupid bitch.“ It’s the same guy that threw me in here. 

I clench my jaw in order to keep my mouth shut, my fingers dig into my shins as my arms pull my legs in closer. The slot closes and locks, I hear the sound of his boots trail off. I’m left alone.
The walls are bare and grey, there is a toilet and thats it and its filthy. There is no bed, not even a mattress, just the cold concrete ground. I tap my head against the wall behind me, thinking.
I have a plan, a plan J would approve of, I just have to wait for the moment.

“Turn everything into anger.” I whisper to myself over and over.


It’s about a week of the same treatment from the same man. His voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard and seeing him makes me fume with rage. I wait though. I pay attention to his every move and detail, his characteristics and mannerism. Which are disgusting. 
I hear him approaching.

The sound of the door unlocking breaks my thoughts and my head snaps up. It’s him. His skin is blotchy, his stubbled facial hair is dark brown, he is a big guy full of ego, his eyes match his facial hair and his walk is carried with a limp. My lip curls up just at the sight of him.

“I see your little lover hasn’t tried to save you yet.” He closes the door behind him, “You must mean a whole lot to him.” He laughs as he takes a few steps into my territory. 

I ease my tension and let my legs lay flat against the ground and my arms to my side. I know he is just trying to rise a spark in me.

“You were just a filthy bitch to him too, you fucked your way to the top just to end up here huh.” He takes a few more steps towards me. 

“Warning you.” I whisper.

“What was that? You don’t have a dick in your mouth yet so speak up.” He adjusts himself in his pants.

“I’m warning you.” I hiss at him, my eyes look into his black abysses.

“You don’t scare me princess.” He laughs again and stands right in front of me.

“I should.” I spread my legs out into a V shape. 

He doesn’t say another word, his eyes now focused on my hands pulling the gown up my thigh. 
In one motion I scoot down lower to the ground and kick my leg up, my foot meeting him right between the legs. He groans loudly, his hands quickly move to cover himself. I kick in his shin and the bottom of my foot stings from the force I used, I hear the snap of his bone followed by a scream from the guard as he falls to the ground. I snap up to my feet and quickly pull the gun from his side, I kneel behind his head and place the tip of the gun against his skin. 

“How do I get out of here?” I lean in close to his face.

Sweat is dripping down his face, he tries to hold back his whimpers as he stares at me. 

He stumbles on his words out of fear and pain, “Y-you can’t. You w-w-won;t make it.” He tries to smile.

“Watch me.” I reach to his side again and grab his key card, I stand up over him and keep the gun pointed at him, “Scared yet?” He doesn’t reply and I show him a smile for being honest.

With no hesitation I unload the entire magazine into the guards body, I don’t aim for one place, I simply make sure each bullet entered his body. 

I toss the gun and run out of the cell, I hear the shuffle of guards coming from the opposite way and I run towards the nearest door.
A stairwell, I decide to run up the stairs and use the key card to open the door to the roof. I walk towards the edge of the building and look down the side of the to see if there is a fire escape, I start to run towards the one I see. The sound of the roof door slamming open and the guards rushing towards me has my heart beating through my chest. I jump down to the first metal platform and move my feet as quick as i can down the ladder and on to the next. Four floors down and and my feet finally touch the outside ground. Bullets ring out from above and I run as fast as my legs will carry my around the corner and into the next alley. My body feels exhausted from not sleeping, barley eating and moving. I lean back against the wall and try to catch my breath but I know it won’t be long before they are after me. I look around the corner to make sure no one is near by before I make my move. I jog down the block, trying to wave down a taxi, one finally comes to a stop and I jump in quickly yelling at the driver to hurry up.

“A please wouldn’t hurt.” The voice sounds all too familiar.

“W-wait, Lucas?” My voice still loud, my heart pounding. 

He looks over his shoulder quickly, giving me confirmation it was him, “I’ve been driving damn near all day and night waiting for you to make a move or for Mr. J.” He laughs, “He had his plan but he had a feeling you wouldn’t wait on him.” 

I let out a sigh of relief and sink into the back of the taxi, I feel a lump forming in my throat and I close my eyes trying to hold myself together. Lucas speeds up and moments later we pull up to J’s place, the only place that feels like home for me. 
It feels like it has been much longer than a week, I smile at Lucas and quickly open the car door and make a run to the front door of the house. It’s locked so I frantically knock on the door till I hear the knob move. I take a step back and the door opens up.

“Kat!” Jackie screams as she pulls me into the house with a hug.

My arms squeeze around her, “I missed you too!” I laugh out.

I hear footsteps come down the stairs and Jackie lets go of me, I turn to look and J is stopped on the middle of the stairs. The lump in my throat makes it hard to swallow, my eyes start to well up just at the sight of him. 
He takes one more step down and I run at him, the tears start to roll down my cheeks before his arms even wrap around me but once they do the cries become sobs into his chest. 

Originally posted by viponsaturday

“I knew you wouldn’t wait for me baby.” His arms pull me into him and he rests his chin on the top of my head.

I hear him take in a deep breath, my arms wrap around his as tight as they could. He takes one of his hands and tilts my chin up, he wipes the tears off my face and brings his lips to mine. Our lips part and I inhale him in, I reach my hands to the back of his head and pull his lips back to mine. He lets out a growl and it sends a wave through my whole body, my lips part and he doesn’t need any more of a hint. His tongue slips between my lips and my mouth opens wider as our tongues roll over each others, I moan into his mouth and his hand reaches behind my neck and his thumb trails down my skin. 
I push him back against the wall on the stairs and I feel the smile appear on him lips.

“Oh, how daddy has missed you.” He growls into my mouth.

I bite at his bottom lip and whisper back, “Why don’t you show me how much you’ve missed me?” 

He moves his hands under my ass and pick me up, I wrap my legs around his waist and I can feel him harden against me and I let out a deep sigh from the friction. He carries me into the bedroom and tosses me on the bed, he is ripping off his jacket and pants and I wiggle out of the gown. His muscles define as he stokes himself and lets out a groan. I scoot back on the bed and bite my lip, unsure of his next move. He comes from the foot of the bed and bends my knees, he wraps his arms under them and his fingers dig into my thighs, no teasing involved as his tongue instantly starts swirling on my clit. My back arches and my moans are uncontrollable, I reach my hand into his green hair and try to gain composure. His tongue is being relentless, he flattens his tongue as he slides between my folds only to come back to my clit again. 

“Fuck!” I scream out as I can already feel my orgasm approaching.

He slides two fingers in me and he moans between my legs, my legs begin to shake as they fold around him trying to come together. He doesn’t stop, his fingers curling inside me and his tongue giving my constant attention. My hands move to the sheets next to me and my nails dig into them, I can’t control my rigid breathing or my moans. 
I can feel the last few seconds of build up become so intense as he doesn’t stop, all the muscles in my body tighten up and again he moans into me, I let out a scream again and I can feel each part of my body slowly come undone as J still works his tongue on me, tasting me while I try and catch my breath.
His head slowly lifts and he places a wet kiss on my hip, he slides his fingers out from me and makes his way between my legs.

“I missed how good you fucking taste.” He breathes out and presses his lips to mine.

His tongue asks for permission and I part my lips. I taste myself as his tongue swirls on mine and I moan into his mouth again. He pulls his mouth from mine and sits on his knees, using both his hands he holds my thighs spread down giving all the view he wants as he slowly slide into me. His groan is loud like he hasn’t had this feeling in years, his head falls back as he does it again. He runs his hands from my knees to the deep inner thigh and I moan back at him, trying to keep my eyes open to watch his expressions. He holds himself at my entrance and I wiggle trying to get back what I had.

“Don’t.” He groans at me. 

I bite my lip and move back again. He lets his thumb trail up my clit and a shudder runs through my body, he continues up my stomach and between my breasts, his hand covers my throat as he leans back over me. He applies little pressure and his hips meet mine with force. His thrusts become much harder and his eyes turn a shade darker, my legs wrap around him as he has one of his holding himself up and the other applying a little more pressure around my neck.

“Daddy!” I cry out as he pulls himself all the way out of me only to burry himself back inside with a deep thrust.

He growls and his pace picks up, my body bouncing with every move and my moans and screams cut short as he gets deeper and deeper. I can feel my body tensing up again and my fingers are tangled in his hair.

“Talk to me baby, let me hear you.” He groans.

I inhale sharply trying to catch my breath, his thrusts soften for the moment so i can speak, “Daddy, please don’t stop. Please, I’m so close again baby. I’m so close. You feel so good daddy.” I scream out as he returns to his harder motions.

My back arches as his hand around my throat reaches to my breast, his thumb grazing over my nipple and my body tenses up. I know he can tell because his head drops into my shoulder with a loud groan.

“You wanna cum on my dick, baby girl? Is that what you want?” He is panting between words.

“Please!” I beg, “Don’t stop till I am dripping down you daddy.” His hand comes off my beast and I feel it again on my clit.

my back arches and my nails dig deep into his shoulders as he rolls over my clit again and again. I tighten around him and I can feel him release himself with a moan that went quickly to a growl, he pumps himself in me a few more times which is all I need to get over my own ledge. I scream out as my second orgasm is even more moving, my back arches again while he rubs my clit through my orgasm, when he finally pulls out and releases his touch my body shows a visible shiver of ecstasy. 
He lays next to me on the bed, both of our chests rising and falling quickly as we are still trying to catch out breath. 

“You are quite the storm.” He mumbles out.

I look over at him and his eyes are closed, I grab his hand that was resting on his chest and intertwine our fingers, I don’t take in much of what he said as my heart is still pounding in my chest.

“A storm doesn’t need much, just some guidance and direction and it can destroy anything in it’s path.” His voice is low and hoarse. 

I listen to his words that time and my expression was confused even though he couldn’t see it, “Did I destroy you?” I ask in a whisper voice.

It’s a few moments of silence that fall between us before he answers, “Absolutely.” he replies.

dont subject yourself to the company of someone who only likes you when your demons are sleeping. someone who treats you like an inconvenience when youre anxious or triggered or having a mentally draining day arent worth the energy and heartache you waste on them.

So Nuclear power...

It has a much worse reputation than it deserves and I feel as if Solarpunk should talk about it.

To explain why I’m bringing it up, I just got out of my Enviornmental Science and we had a lecture on alternative energy. My professor talked about how he likes Nuclear energy. He said there have only been 3 accidents in world. One was a design failure (lesson learned it will never happen again), another was human error, and the I can’t remember the reason, but it let out less radiation than an x-ray.

He also said that France is run 77% on nuclear energy. He said America should use nuclear energy and the only reason we don’t is because people are miseducated about the safety of nuclear energy.

So I’m pretty convinced that nuclear energy can have a place in a Solarpunk society. What do you all think?

So Bellamy stands with Roan by the rover, waiting for Clarke to finish saying her goodbyes. Bellamy notices Roan’s gaze shift from the floor to Bellamy but he says nothing, neither say anything. The feeling of a secret being between them is heavy but no one is willing to bring it up yet.

Until…

“I can go along with this because I don’t see another way. But if anything happens to her, you and me are going to have a problem,” Bellamy firmly states breaking their uncomfortable silence.

Roan smirks. “Does she know?”

Bellamy’s jaw clenches, knowing in every part of his body what Roan means. “Know what?”

“You should tell her,” Roan smoothly says, knowing that Bellamy is following his every word. “The only thing worse than losing her is losing her before you had the chance to tell her.”

Bellamy remains quiet though he gets a sinking feeling in his gut just thinking about losing Clarke, let alone losing her before he can tell her how much she means to him. Bellamy says nothing but glances at Roan. He goes on, “If you’re anything like me-”

“I’m nothing like you,” Bellamy finally speaks.

Roan continues as if Bellamy never spoke, “Losing her would kill you more than death itself. I would know. I lost my beloved before I could tell her and not a day goes by I don’t regret staying quiet.”

Bellamy looks at Roan with a softened expression. Could he have anything in common with Roan, the man who kidnapped Clarke and stabbed him in the leg?

Roan speaks again, “I could see losing you would kill her just the same.” Bellamy glances at Roan for just a moment and sees his eyes fixed on Clarke. Bellamy shifts his gaze to her and lets himself feel what he has been terrified to acknowledge. He loves her.

“Do you ever wonder why I spared you?” Roan asks, pulling Bellamy from his feelings.

Bellamy looks away and Roan takes it as reason to continue, “My orders were to bring Wanheda to Polis alive. If I killed you, there would have been nothing left of her. I would have failed.”

Bellamy finally looks at Roan to gage if he is actually serious in what he says. Bellamy sees no trace of amusement, only truth. He knows Clarke cares about him but deep down, he always felt like she would leave him behind. Now this stranger, the enemy, is telling him that Clarke could possibly feel the same as he does? Roan must be lying.

Clarke approaches them and glances at Bellamy then to Roan and finally settles her eyes back on Bellamy. “Ready. Everything okay?”

Bellamy nods, “Fine.”

Bellamy loads Roan into the back of the rover and walks around to the driver’s seat as Clarke sits in the passenger seat. Bellamy can feel her eyes on his but suddenly he isn’t able to look at her, as if with one look she could know all of his feelings for her.

-

As Clarke stands with cloth in her hands getting ready to be tied up, gagged, and taken as prisoner by Roan once again, Bellamy opens the back for Roan to get out. Roan makes a move at Clarke to tie her hands but Bellamy snatches the cloth before he can and glares at Roan, who knowingly smirks before turning away.

Bellamy gently lifts Clarke’s hands and wraps the cloth around her wrists. He doesn’t look up at her, he can’t. Not yet. He ties a knot and runs his thumb across her wrists making sure it’s not too tight for her. Bellamy takes a second cloth and lifts it over Clarke’s head, careful to loosen it as it needs so it doesn’t hurt her.

Finally his eyes connect with hers which are full of concern and even fear but also gratitude and something else he can’t put a finger on. “It’s not too late to back out.”

Clarke softly smiles. “We don’t have a choice.”

“Maybe we do,” Bellamy quietly responds even though he knows it’s not true. He just wants to comfort Clarke, he can tell she’s
nervous. So is he. She nods at him and he understands, as he usually does. He carefully moves the gag to her lips and brushes his fingers across her cheek, leaving his palm against her jaw. Without thinking, Bellamy pulls her head to his lips and places a kiss on her forehead. When he steps back from her, her eyes are closed. When they lock eyes again, her eyes are full of the emotion Bellamy can’t figure out. He studies her and watches her eyes do the same to him, only stopping when Roan takes her arm and guides her away.

Clarke glances back at Bellamy once more, sending him a quick nod.

She’ll be okay. She’ll come back.

She will.

She has to.