i shall say this to everyone who tells me that i'm too obsessed

Thoughts on Quiet BPD

When asked about BPD, most people who know about this disorder immediately think of the “classic” symptoms: impulsive behaviors and episodes of rage. The same holds true for even mental health professionals.

But rage and impulsivity are only two out of the nine criteria in determining whether someone has BPD. Some people with BPD—myself included—meet the criteria for a diagnosis but do not use these “acting out behaviors.”

So what does it mean to have quiet BPD?

You probably still suffer from extreme mood swings and emotional reactivity, self-harm and suicidal ideation, chronic feelings of emptiness, paranoid ideation, dissociation, a lack of identity, and the intense fear of abandonment we love so very much (disclaimer: we hate it.).

And it may well be that your relationships are stormy as well—even if the other person has no freaking idea how distressing said friendship is to you.


How is that possible? Well, we feel the same things other people with BPD feel: we idealize you and become deeply emotionally attached to you, then suddenly we become emotionally cold and distant toward you over just a minor disappointment, we’re kept awake at night by paranoia that you secretly hate us because you didn’t text us back immediately, we spiral into crushing depression over the littlest things you say and do.

But the difference lies in how we express it.

With “classic” BPD you may tell the other person what you’re feeling. You may accuse the person of lying to you, avoiding you, abandoning you, etc. You may display anger toward the other person or get into arguments. The other person becomes aware of what you’re thinking and feeling. Not so with quiet BPD.

I almost never tell my friends what’s going through my mind unless they ask. I’m too terrified of being a burden to them. I internalize this tempest of dysphoria, letting it fester for weeks and months. I will drop off your radar, distancing myself from you without you even noticing. Unless you reach out to me, you’ll never hear from me again. I’ll isolate myself, forever convinced you hate me and that you’re better off not dealing with my burdensome self… even if there’s no evidence to suggest this. Even if we’ve literally been best friends for years.

You may not notice this shift at all, simply because I don’t express it. The friendship may not be distressing for you, but it’s sure as hell distressing for me. I’ve cycled through so many friendships in this way, in near constant agony as a result—and the vast majority of my friends had no idea.

I’m obsessed over this idea that I’m a burden. That my very existence is an annoyance to everyone, and so I very frequently deny myself the very emotion so often associated with BPD: anger.

I loathe myself so much I feel I don’t have the right to be angry for myself.

Sure, I can feel anger all right. If you slight a friend or family member of mine, I cannot begin to describe the rage that wells up inside me.

But if you insult me? I’ll sink to depression and probably agree with you (this has happened multiple times).

People with different types of BPD respond differently to the same triggers. For some, if they feel you’re going to abandon them or that you don’t care about them, they respond with anger. Others act impulsively in hopes of relieving some of their pain. But I respond by turning inward. I justify these “signs” that everyone in my life hates me—the same signs recognized by people with “classic” BPD—by deciding that if I’m going to be abandoned, well, it’s because I deserve to be. If you do hate me, it’s because I am, in fact, absolute scum. My BPD takes these signs and twists them into reinforcement of my extreme self-loathing. If anything, I’ll be angry with myself.

This translates into “acting in” behaviors that aren’t as obvious as impulsive behaviors. I self-harm and don’t tell a soul about it, I lock myself in my room and cry for hours, I become so emotionally numb I just stare at the wall all day, I’ll sleep for an entire weekend to escape my pain, I’ll even deny myself food because what’s the point of extending my lifespan, especially if I don’t deserve it?

Any kind of BPD sucks, quiet or otherwise. But raising awareness about quiet BPD is crucial: professionals may not realize we have BPD because we don’t fit the “classic” model, and thus we end up spending years misdiagnosed or in treatment that doesn’t address what’s actually going on with us. We could be spared YEARS of additional suffering by getting the correct treatment as soon as possible. So let’s raise awareness, shall we?

Spot on Anon

So I found the ask that seemed to have sent Gator over the edge. I copied the ask since it’s too long to screencap. Gator’s response is in italic.

All right Gator, let’s see if you’re brave enough to post this (I bet you won’t).

So you call us obsessed and deluded. Have you seen my blog? I dare you to find post were I analyze Benedict’s private life. I dare you to find a post were you see me analyzing every photos taken of him and his wife. I really don’t think you can say that about your blog, can you?

You see, us “nans” as you like to call us live in the real world. A world were Ben is happily married with two children. A world were we know that we don’t have a say in his private life and nerver will. A world were we don’t feel the need to insult a complete stranger to feel better about ourselves. You think what we’re doing to you is disgusting? Honey, that’s nothing to what you’ve been doing to Sophie and her kids for the last 3 years. What we’re doing is calling out your lies and your behavior. You’re the bully dear, not us. Let me prove that to you.

1) You never, ever call Sophie by her name. Always by some mean nicknames, like Zero or Octopus. That’s a totally normal thing to do for someone your age. NOT.

2) You over analyze every single photo of Benedict. Always saying there’s something wrong with him. Unless Sophie isn’t in the photo, because then he looks great. Even in pictures were Sophie was cropped out of. You always scream “Photoshop”. Because for some reason, you can’t bear to see them together.

3) You change theories every 5 seconds. Case and point, the last pap pictures. You started saying that Sophie ambushed him, then when your pal Aeltri decided that it was photoshoped, you changed your story. Because you can’t have an original thought by yourself. And now you’re saying that Sophie is using an old photo to mess with Ben. So which is it? I’ll tell you, it’s none of the above.

4) You’ll believe every lie told to you without questions, as long as it paints Sophie in a bad light. Case and point : the whole Groucho Club story. Again something started by Aeltri. That story is a hoax started by someone who thinks the Royal family are giant shape-shifting lizards. But when someone says something nice about her, you need proof in triplicate with a court seal to believe it. But yeah, we’re the ones that are obsessed.

5) Every time there’s a sighting of Ben and his family, you automatically deny it. You try to look for anything that would discredit it. Again, by ignoring all the facts. And when you can’t, you make up some bullshit theory. Case and point : the whole “it’s too hot in Atlanta to go biking”. But apparently, it’s not hot enough to stop Marvel from getting him to run around in full Doctor Strange costume. And by ignoring that plenty of people live in Atlanta and go by their business, even in summer.

6) You actually think you have mutuals with Benedict. If you haven’t hear from your sources in a while, it’s because they got bored of you. You were trolled. Do you honestly think that anyone with compromising info on Sophie would go to a no name blogger from nowhere USA instead of going to the police or selling the story to the tabloids? In what world does that even make sense?

You want to know why we screencap your blog? Because you crave attention, and reblogging gives you notes. Which is the only thing you want, not Ben’s well being. Because if you cared about that, you would delete your blog and apologize.
And to answer one of your anons, we’re not trying to convince ourselves by calling out your lies. Neither are we trying to convince you. Because it’s crystal clear that you’d rather die than to admit you were wrong. No we’re exposing you for what you are, a bully, a liar and a fraud.

I don’t know if I’ve seen your blog, because you sent this in anon.  (I try to avoid any seriously devoted Benedict blogs). I never said all nanny fans are obsessed. But if you are the one buying 16 photo ops in one day with Benedict, you are obsessed. As far as craving attention? WTF? Nope. I don’t care how many notes I get. I’m not in this for me. Never intended to even get involved in the fandom at all. It wasn’t until I saw how horrible Sophie was that I even started posting. I have absolutely nothing to prove to you or anyone. And I’m not the one sending in anon hate to someone with a different opinion/outlook on something, so how am I the bully? I’m not going to dignify the rest of your rant with an answer. Everyone who actually really follows my blog already knows what my response would be. Just know this, I care WAY more about Benedict’s wellbeing than I do about being right. So stop projecting onto me and take a good look at yourself.

Let’s analyze Gator’s response shall we?
She first starts by attacking fans lucky enough to go the LFC and have their pictures taken with Ben. I don’t know about you, but that reeks of jealousy. I take comfort in knowing that Ben’s security team have Gator on their watch list.
It wasn’t until I saw how horrible Sophie was that I even started posting.
That’s Gator speech for “My internet boyfriend found a IRL girlfriend and I can’t take it. I’ll spend my days shitting on her to feel better about myself”.
And I’m not the one sending in anon hate to someone with a different opinion/outlook
Saying that you think she looks ugly is an opinion. Saying that she’s a drug addict whore, a blackmailer and an abuser is slander. There’s a huge difference between the two. A difference that every bully seem to forget.
I care WAY more about Benedict’s wellbeing than I do about being right.
I almost choke with laughter when I read this. If she truly cared about his wellbeing, she’d apologize and delete her blog. Not make up even more disgusting lies about Sophie and her family. But she’s right when she says she doesn’t care about being right. If she did, she would have stop by now.
I’m not going to dignify the rest of your rant with an answer.
Of course she won’t. That’s because she can’t. That anon is spot on about Gator and the rest of the SGB. Even Gator can see that. And we know what your answer would be. It’s the one that Ben and Sophie would like to give her : fuck off.

faustandluce  asked:

Everyone seems to take for granted the idea that Rhaegar is obsessed with prophecy, but the only textual support I can find is Aemon's discussion of TPTWP, Dany's vision in HOTU, and, if we're reaching, his realization that he must become a warrior. Is there anything I'm missing? You seem to have a really phenomenal understanding of the text, so I thought I'd ask. Love your work.

Thanks so very much! But first of all, let me just say that this “everyone takes for granted that Rhaegar was obsessed with prophecy” is not really everyone, it’s just those in the fandom who analyze the text and who read that analysis, which is actually a fairly small part of the fandom. And further, this belief is really a paradigm shift in views of Rhaegar; I recall not too many years ago when “everyone” believed Rhaegar was simply in love / lustfully obsessed with Lyanna to the point of neglecting his responsibilities (as well as his wife). (This usually went along with a belief in Lyanna the manipulative temptress, even though y’know she was only fourteen at Harrenhal, and sixteen when she died.)

As for the textual support – well, three data points is a lot, considering they comprise most of what we know about Rhaegar. Plus Rhaegar’s decision to become a warrior is not reaching at all:

“As a young boy, the Prince of Dragonstone was bookish to a fault. He was reading so early that men said Queen Rhaella must have swallowed some books and a candle whilst he was in her womb. Rhaegar took no interest in the play of other children. The maesters were awed by his wits, but his father’s knights would jest sourly that Baelor the Blessed had been born again. Until one day Prince Rhaegar found something in his scrolls that changed him. No one knows what it might have been, only that the boy suddenly appeared early one morning in the yard as the knights were donning their steel. He walked up to Ser Willem Darry, the master-at-arms, and said, ‘I will require sword and armor. It seems I must be a warrior.’”    

–Barristan Selmy, ASOS, Daenerys I

This directly correlates with Maester Aemon’s speech:

“No one ever looked for a girl,” he said. “It was a prince that was promised, not a princess. Rhaegar, I thought … the smoke was from the fire that devoured Summerhall on the day of his birth, the salt from the tears shed for those who died. He shared my belief when he was young, but later he became persuaded that it was his own son who fulfilled the prophecy, for a comet had been seen above King’s Landing on the night Aegon was conceived, and Rhaegar was certain the bleeding star had to be a comet.” 

–AFFC, Samwelll IV

At a young age, Rhaegar changed from a budding Aerys I – who wasn’t just obsessed with books, but with prophecy – to a Baelor Breakspear overnight. And why? Rhaegar initially believed that he was the Prince that was Promised; whether he came to this conclusion on his own or only after with discussions with Aemon we don’t yet know. But these two data points – that Rhaegar believed he was the PTWP, that he found a scroll that changed him – tell us that Rhaegar must have found a scroll that told him that the Prince that was Promised must be a warrior, so therefore he changed his bookish ways and became one. Furthermore, this shows us that Rhaegar had a very strong belief that prophecy is important – important enough to change behavior, habits, indeed the course of one’s entire life.

And the second half of Maester Aemon’s speech, about how Rhaegar changed his mind about the PTWP and decided it was Aegon instead, correlates with the third data point:

Viserys, was her first thought the next time she paused, but a second glance told her otherwise. The man had her brother’s hair, but he was taller, and his eyes were a dark indigo rather than lilac. “Aegon,” he said to a woman nursing a newborn babe in a great wooden bed. “What better name for a king?”
“Will you make a song for him?” the woman asked.
“He has a song,” the man replied. “He is the prince that was promised, and his is the song of ice and fire.” He looked up when he said it and his eyes met Dany’s, and it seemed as if he saw her standing there beyond the door. “There must be one more,” he said, though whether he was speaking to her or the woman in the bed she could not say. “The dragon has three heads.”

–ACOK, Daenerys IV

Rhaegar was certain that the bleeding star had to be a comet. “The bleeding star”, btw, comes from another prophecy: “When the red star bleeds and the darkness gathers, Azor Ahai shall be born again amidst smoke and salt to wake dragons out of stone.” And he was certain, which meant that he had subjected the prophecy to analysis, considering multiple options before deciding on the truth as he saw it. And this certainty convinced him that his son conceived under a comet was the prince that was promised. He believed that his son needed no song to be written for him, because he already had one… a song no one has heard of, which means it’s very likely some kind of prophecy. And Rhaegar believed that he needed “one more” – most likely one more bride for the prince – because “the dragon has three heads”, another prophecy.

Now, all of this doesn’t necessarily prove that Rhaegar was obsessed with prophecy. But the fact that of the little dialogue we have from him, two speeches are about prophecy… and the fact that we know he discussed prophecy with his wise relative… they tell us that at the very least Rhaegar was deeply concerned with prophecy and it affected his decisions.

But really, the belief of many fans that Rhaegar was obsessed with prophecy is a way of putting a more positive gloss on his actions that sparked Robert’s Rebellion. If you think that Rhaegar’s belief in prophecy caused him to think he needed another child to be the third head of the dragon – if you think that he believed he needed this child to help save the world from the Doom of Man – if you think that this is why he chose Lyanna Stark to be his lover, and hid her away from the world until he was certain she was pregnant – if you think that Rhaegar made all his mistakes, ignored the actions of his mad father, sparked a civil war that led to his death, the deaths of his family, the deaths of thousands, out of a true desire to protect humanity and save the world, out of a true belief that the future was far more important than the present… Well, then even if you think Rhaegar was deeply mistaken in his understanding of the prophecy, even if you think he was so very wrong to act based on prophecy without considering the terrible present consequences of his actions, that’s still a much kinder view of the man than thinking he did it all out of simple lust and shortsighted passionate stupidity.

Anyway, I hope you can see what you’re missing now. Anything else you need, just ask.

The Joker - Weirdly Attractive Villains #7

Hello, once again. Okie dokie, smokey, here’s our next Weirdly Attractive Villain. Heavy emphasis on “weird,” but hear me out!

The Joker from (the epic and amazing) The Dark Knight. 

I’m sure nobody needs the breakdown of The Dark Knight, so here it is in a super-condensed mode: 

Robbery! Batman. Oh no, mayhem! Oh, shit - the mob. Harvey Dent. BOOM POW BOOM EXPLOSION. Love triangle. heeheehee I’m the Joker. MOAR EXPLOSIONS. I’m the Batman. KAPOW! HAHAHAHA Oh, fuck! EVEN MOAR EXPLOSIONS Morals and ethics? People are good after all. THE DARK KNIGHT. 

Full disclosure, people: I love this movie SO. FUCKING. MUCH. And I know I say that every time, but this is different. Like, you really don’t understand. I saw this in cinema sixteen times. The only reason I stopped paying to see it is because my friend found me a bootleg copy taped in a dingy theater, which I watched at least once a day for I don’t know how long. I bought the novelization of the film to read when I couldn’t watch it. I read everything I could on it to learn about the production. My family was legit concerned about me for a little while. No, really. I just really love it, okay? Don’t judge me.

For the record: I did eventually move out of the obsessive phase. 

But enough about me and my fragile grip on reality and onto the Joker. Let’s figure out what makes him weirdly attractive, shall we?

Everyone knows that Heath Ledger was a magical creature, okay?  I remember being just soooooo enamored with him when I was a kid. (Patrick Verona, anyone?) He never wanted to be a big star, or a great celebrity. He played chess for fuck’s sake. He was a gifted and amazingly talented man. I mean, he threw himself into his work and the results of his dedication are glorious. His death was a shame - I cried when he died - and it still saddens me a bit from time to time. 

Who didn’t think he was the ultimate man candy?

If it’s you, you’re either lying or you’re wrong. 

I’m swooning. Oh, Heath…

That’s Heath Ledger under all of that makeup, and I think that this is precisely what had me hooked into this sordid attraction initially. Think about it: IT’S HEATH LEDGER UNDER THE MAKEUP. You remove the makeup, it’s Heath. The Joker is Heath. It’s Heath in there. That’d be enough for me.  I love you, Heath. 

Moving on, the Joker has mad style. Just look at him! His face all painted up, his fly digs. It’s stated in the dialogue that his clothing is custom made. Now, this tells me that he either had enough skill to design his clothing and have them made, or he made them himself. Enticing? I think, yes. His suit’s fucking rad and nobody can tell me otherwise. When you’ve got style, you’ve got style and he’s got style. 

Yum.

I mean, I’m not crazy about the orange wig, but he pulls off the nurse outfit with too much flair to ignore. 

Don’t tell me he doesn’t look great in that dress.

You can see his well-toned arms and everything. I’m dying. 

In the same kind of area, he’s got the clown makeup going on. Now, that’s a big far-reaching, but I thoroughly enjoy a guy painted up all pretty. I’m not saying I’ve got a clown fetish, because I don’t. At all. If I’m perfectly honest, most clowns freak me the fuck out. There’s this clown in the local mall that makes balloon animals for the little children and I’ll go out one door, walk outside of the mall, and come in another door just to avoid this fucker. No, thank you. Go the fuck away, you fucking creepy fucker. But on the Joker, it looks….nicer? I don’t know.

Don’t ask me to explain this one. He just looks good, okay. (Minus the teeth. Grody.)

And he’s a generally happy guy. He tells jokes and smiles and laughs a ton. Who wouldn’t want to sit next to him on the bus. (Answer: most people.)

At his core, he just wants you to smile. Right? RIGHT?

I don’t know what attracts us to a bad boy, and….he is one, I guess. The thing about the Joker is that he represents chaos and mayhem and confusion and a total lack of order. He doesn’t care about money, life, death. He smiled just as widely as he fell from the top of a building as he does any other time. 

Small aside: he’s full of good advice. 

Like he’d help me get ahead in life. 

He’s also smart. And I like smart men. But he’s scary smart. Not like scarily intelligent; I mean like it’s terrifying how smart he is. The devil isn’t stupid, that’s what makes him scary, right? He never looks at his victims, really, but he uses knives because it’s more personal. He doesn’t care about emotions or people, but he’ll push your buttons because you care. He’s incapable of love, but he’s entirely glee. He’s got what it takes to make it to the top, but he’d rather sit on the floor and watch everything burn and billow up in clouds of smoke around him. And he’d laugh through the whole thing. 

It’s like he’d kiss you hard, and then push you in front of a car. 

This has been a pretty shit job of explaining the Joker, but I think it’s a 50/50 thing with him. You’d either kiss him or shoot him; there’s not really a middle-ground to speak of with this one. I feel like I’m forgetting more reasons why he’s glorious and why I’m not totally insane, but I’m sure I’ll remember them later. 

So, recap: he’s sexy, he’s witty, he’s Heath Ledger. If he decided he liked you enough not to kill you, he’d do anything for you. Literally, anything. 

Ladies and gentlemen, the Joker.

You can complete me all you like. I am yours.