i remember when i was at 60 days until

i. you were drunk. i’d never tasted alcohol before but i’d smelled it on my mother’s breath, and it smelled a lot heavier on yours. you were my first taste of anything, my first innocent plunge into the waters of adolescent lust, and you were my first exercise in idealization. you told me i was a bad kisser. i took it to heart, and decided i would practice before i kissed you again, but i never got to.

ii. we forged something out of nothing. the wilderness of it all was almost too much for me to wrap my mind around. you were weird and i was lonely. we were blind toxicity, three years of it – well, almost. we were two years and eight months of stupid teenage idleness and wandering hands and getting yelled at for making out in stairwells. i threw it away because you treated me like nothing and for once, i just wanted the upper hand.

iii. you were my way out. you were another pawn in my selfish game. i should’ve treated you like a person. i shouldn’t have begged you to kiss me back. but all i could think about was the fact that you weren’t him, and your lips would do nicely for a change. if i weren’t so observant i would never have noticed the way your gaze lingered every tuesday, and perhaps i wouldn’t be here – so i guess i’m thankful for it all.

iv. hello, destruction. i never imagined you’d look so beautiful. i never thought something so lovely would be my catalyst to pure madness. you woke up something inside me in the dead of winter. you were older and you were wild and adventurous and i was on the verge of adulthood and i decided to hitch a ride. you broke me in june; november was when the storm came. i remember tasting your tears when we kissed on the porch. i tried to make us something we weren’t. it was never your fault. i should have loved you more purely. i’m sorry.

v. new year’s eve. i was your placeholder and you were mine, but we didn’t know it until afterwards. we laughed about it. you’re alright.

vi. your kiss meant more because i waited 60 days and some change for it. it also cost me, ultimately, 1200 miles on my odometer and my ability to trust. i should have known you were too good to be true, but you made everything look so pretty – i couldn’t break my own heart even if i tried. i saw it coming and handed you your weapon anyway. please, please…just treat her better.

vii. i never thought i’d meet someone less in control of their own life than i am, but there’s a first time for everything, isn’t there? you always tasted like bourbon – which was fine, at first, because i really like bourbon – except one night we were lying on your mattress without a frame (yeah, one of those guys, you were) and you were telling me how stifling it was to be sober, how you always wanted to be drunk or high once you could afford to be. i felt the disconnect there and decided to break it off – but how on earth did you manage to turn the tables so that i felt as though i was the one being shortchanged?

viii. i almost saw a quirky indie movie in you. i turned you down but you persisted; i mean, you were really interested. or so i thought. you asked me about everything under the sun and i talked because you liked to listen. you were a christian, and exuded spirituality; i think maybe my lack thereof turned you off, but i’ll never know what the issue was because you never gave me an answer. maybe i had something in my teeth? figures.

ix. i knew we were incompatible from the get-go but i was tired of feeling unsuccessful in my romantic endeavors, and there was something different about you that i knew i had to try on for size. unfortunately, that ‘something different’ was a truckload of baggage attached to an ex-lover that, let’s face it, i could never live up to. your bedroom was dark and cramped, and you drank too much beer. i hope you’re alright, though – and i hope you’re over her.

x. you. have i even found the words for you yet? they float within me unattached to anything because there’s no gravity when i’m around you. when i look at you i know that i’ll never be able to make sense of myself but that’s okay; you seem content with doing it for me. you are sunlight in the middle of the night and warm blankets in faraway places. you are more than that. you are a confidant, you are a dream. i never want to wake up; i will always see your smile behind my eyelids. i hope i never have to taste another pair of lips again.

—  letters to people i’ve kissed
100 Pieces of Advice from 100-Year-Olds
  1. “Don’t look at the calendar. Just keep celebrating every day.”
  2. “Invest in quality pieces, they never go out of style.”
  3. “I make myself go out every day, even if it’s only to walk around the block. The key to staying young is to keep moving.”
  4. “Exercise, to me, is totally unnecessary. I think it’s mostly overrated.”
  5. “The use of vitamins? Forget it. And I don’t encourage going to a lot of doctors, either.”
  6. “Fall in love, get married. Sex is to be encouraged.”
  7. “Even if you feel hatred, keep it to yourself. Don’t hurt other people for any reason.”
  8. “Don’t ever give up on love.”
  9. “Nobody else controls you.”
  10. “Make time to cry.”
  11. “Travel while you’re young and able. Don’t worry about the money, just make it work. Experience is far more valuable than money will ever be.”
  12. “Don’t compare. You’ll never be happy with your life. The grass is always greener.”
  13. “If you are embarrassed to be dating someone, you should not be dating them.”
  14. “Do one thing each day that is just for you.”
  15. “Don’t be a cheapskate.”
  16. “Forgive.”
  17. “Find your passion and live it.”
  18. “Most time things will figure themselves out.”
  19. “Choose the right parents.”
  20. “Have a pet. Life gets lonely sometimes. Pets are reminders of how we’re all living things.”
  21. “I’m not saying you have to practice one religion or another, or not practice one religion or another… I’m just saying that you should figure out what you believe in and live it completely.”
  22. “Learn to adapt.”
  23. “Take time to mourn what you’ve lost.”
  24. “Keep going and never give up.”
  25. “Make yourself walk.”
  26. “I drink the faucet water.”
  27. “Don’t just die all because you want to.
  28. “Life is fun. It’s all up to the person. Be satisfied. You don’t have to be ‘happy’ all the time, you need to be satisfied.”
  29. “Love people. Find something to like about the person—it’s there—because we’re all just people.”
  30. “Get a great education. That is something that no one can take away from you.” 
  31. “Think positive.”
  32. “Exercise every morning… I have a machine… it’s a cross between a rowing machine and a bicycle… [I do] 150, 200 [rows] every morning. I won’t leave my bedroom until I’ve done that.”
  33. "Be active. I do things my way, like skiing when I’m 100. Nobody else does that even if they have energy. And I try to eat pretty correctly and get exercise and fresh air and sunshine.”
  34. “If you’re positive you can get through it OK. When you think negatively, you’re putting poison on your body. Just smile. They say laughter is the best medicine there is.”
  35. “For years I would not take any medicines at all. I don’t think they do much, and lots of times the doctor is using you as a guinea pig.”
  36. “Don’t die too early.”
  37. “Just go ahead and do your thing no matter what.”
  38. “You can involve yourself in local problems. There are all sorts of things that have to be tended to in the world.”
  39. “Have lots of people in the house and lots of different kinds of people—young, old, black, white, people from all over the world. People have always energized me.”
  40. “Just keep going.”
  41. “I attribute my longevity to a great extent to walking, not being in the back of the car strapped down.”
  42. “I’ve done almost everything that I know of: ballet, I’ve done tai chi. I’ve done yoga. I walked 4 miles a day. I stretched and flexed. I wrote the book.”
  43. “I put my health down to whiskey and cigarettes. I only drink when I’m out, but my doctor said I wouldn’t be alive without them. I’m still alive, and I can lift my elbows—it’s great.” 
  44. “We all remember how as children, when we were having fun, we often forgot to eat or sleep. I believe that we can keep that attitude as adults, too. It’s best not to tire the body with too many rules such as lunchtime and bedtime.”
  45. “For breakfast I drink coffee, a glass of milk, and some orange juice with a tablespoon of olive oil in it. Olive oil is great for the arteries and keeps my skin healthy. Lunch is milk and a few cookies, or nothing when I am too busy to eat. I never get hungry because I focus on my work. Dinner is veggies, a bit of fish and rice, and, twice a week, 100 grams of lean meat.”
  46. “There is no need to ever retire, but if one must, it should be a lot later than 65.”
  47. “When a doctor recommends you take a test or have some surgery, ask whether the doctor would suggest that his or her spouse or children go through such a procedure. Contrary to popular belief, doctors can’t cure everyone. So why cause unnecessary pain with surgery? I think music and animal therapy can help more than most doctors imagine.”
  48. “To stay healthy always, take the stairs and carry your own stuff. I take two stairs at a time, to get my muscles moving.”
  49. “My inspiration is Robert Browning’s poem ‘Abt Vogler.’ My father used to read it to me. It encourages us to make big art, not small scribbles. It says to try to draw a circle so huge that there is no way we can finish it while we are alive. All we see is an arch; the rest is beyond our vision but it is there in the distance.”
  50. “Pain is mysterious, and having fun is the best way to forget it.”
  51. “Don’t be crazy about amassing material things. Remember: you don’t know when your number is up, and you can’t take it with you to the next place.”
  52. “Science alone can’t help or cure people.”
  53. “Find a role model and aim to achieve even more than they could ever do.”
  54. “It’s wonderful to live long. Until one is 60 years old, it is easy to work for one’s family and to achieve one’s goals. But in our later years, we should strive to contribute to society. Since the age of 65, I have worked as a volunteer. I still put in 18 hours seven days a week and love every minute of it.”
  55. “This is some advice for the ladies. Don’t marry an older man, marry a younger one.” 
  56. “I try not to worry. I just try to live.”
  57. “I try to have enough trust and confidence in myself to deal with things as they come.”
  58. “I don’t eat very much, but I always eat a fruit, a vegetable, and a little meat, and always make sure that I get sardine and salmon at least once or twice a week.”
  59. “For less than seven years I had a mortgage. I paid everything outright, and I’ve lived that way until today. That is the secret to longevity right there.”
  60. “Keep busy doing what you like.”
  61. “You gotta have good genes.”
  62. “You gotta be… lucky for 100 years.”
  63. “Try not to eat anything that’s healthy. It’s true. I eat whatever I want. The secret to longevity is ice cream.”
  64. “Quit while you’re ahead.”
  65. “It’s just as important to take care of your mind. I take two classes… and I’ve studied everything from anti-Semitism to current events.”
  66. “[Humor is] a life force, a way of surviving the difficulties of living.”
  67. “When you laugh at yourself, you prevent others from laughing at you.”
  68. “I think [people] have to be curious. They have to be interested in life outside their little aches and pains. They have to be excited about seeing new things, meeting new people, watching a new play—just passionate about life.”
  69. “I don’t care what you’re passionate about: maybe saving Dixie cup covers. But if you do it passionately, you’re alive.”
  70. “Age is not a disease.”
  71. “Don’t get hurt.” 
  72. “Be honest. I’ve rarely lied. And when you are honest with people, it comes back to you, and they are honest with you. It’s too much work keeping up with a lie. You don’t need the extra stress.”
  73. “Keep an open mind, and things seem less strange.”
  74. “Always listen to the other person. You’ll learn something. Try to sit back, because you will learn a lot more listening to others than telling them what you know.”
  75. “You have to love what you do. if you find a job you love, you will never have to work a day in your life.”
  76. “Take naps every day.”
  77. “You get one family, so stick with them. But it depends if these hardships are financial or emotional or other types. Stick it out. Some days are worse than others, and you have to be ok with that. The night is darkest before dawn.”
  78. “I try to take the time to look at and appreciate the smaller things that make this life beautiful. When I do that, time slows.”
  79. “Do something interesting every day; otherwise you disintegrate.”
  80. “Learning new things makes you happy and keeps your mind active.”
  81. “Sleep well, try not to worry, and enjoy good dreams.”
  82. “I participate in lots of activities. I play Bingo, do meditation and crafts, and attend fitness classes, like Zumba Gold for seniors, chair yoga, and sittercise… I don’t miss happy hour either! I drop in three times a week.”
  83. “Be lovable. I’ve lived a long life because there are so many people who love me.”
  84. “I take a drink of Scotch every day. And I feel great afterward.”
  85. “Keep kosher.”
  86. “I never drank, smoked, or fooled with the weeds, you know, that stuff. And I don’t let anything upset me, especially traffic.”
  87. “I don’t like stress. I can’t stand arguing. If anybody is fussing, I’m gone. I like to be around positive people, people who lift you up not bring you down.”
  88. “Mind your own business, and don’t eat junk food.”
  89. “Laughter keeps you healthy. You can survive by seeing the humor in everything. Thumb your nose at sadness; turn the tables on tragedy. You can’t laugh and be angry, you can’t laugh and feel sad, you can’t laugh and feel envious.”
  90. “Look inside your soul and find your tools. We all have tools and have to live with the help of them. I have two tools: my words and my images. I used my typewriter, computer, and my cameras to fight injustice. Whenever I see a possibility of helping people who are in danger, I want to help them.”
  91. “Have a good appetite, lots of friends, and keep busy.”
  92. “Have a good wife, two scotches a night, and be easygoing.”
  93. “Never run out of responsibility; if you don’t have one, find one. Find a cause and knock yourself out for it. It will enhance your brainpower, interest in life, and keep you alive longer. I’m alert because I work. Virtue is its own reward.”
  94. “It is very important to have a widespread curiosity about life.”
  95. “Keep yourself alert, active, and educated. Beat to your own drum.”  
  96. “Don’t smoke, don’t drink, and don’t retire.”
  97. “Take one day at a time, and go along with the tide.”
  98. “You have to be lucky, but I made the best of things when bad things happened. I also ate prunes every single day.”
  99. “Do what you have to do. Don’t analyze it, just do it.”
  100. “Take it easy, enjoy life, what will be will be. Sleep well, have a Bailey’s Irish Cream before bed if you have a cold—you will wake up fine the next morning.”

Day 1 - I woke up feeling numb. My eyes hurt from all the crying last night. I miss you. I hope you come back. Please come back.

Day 7 - It’s been a week and I still haven’t heard anything from you. I’ve sent you a lot of messages but they either get unread or unanswered. I hope you’re hurting right now too, just like me.

Day 14 - two weeks apart and without you in my life felt like a lifetime. I took out all the letters and poems you’ve written me when we were still together. It still seems so unreal. Your letters sounded like you really loved me. When did that love begin to fade?

Day 20 - My friends keep on telling me that it would get better. But my response would always be “when?!” I am so tired of feeling like shit at night because I still can’t understand why you fell out of love. Don’t I deserve a decent explanation? Or maybe you think I am not worthy of it all?

Day 32 - I stopped stalking your facebook profile and unfollowed your twitter and instagram accounts a week ago. It’s not much but at least I am now starting to accept how things really are between us right? My mom has been telling me to take a breath of fresh air. I can tell that she’s worried about me. And sometimes, I hope you feel the same way about me too.

Day 40 - I burned the letters, deleted the photos, and threw away the teddy bears. It’s about time to get rid of the things that remind me of you, of us. You are a part of my past now and no matter how difficult it is to move forward, I know I have to try. My best friend told me that she saw you in 7/11 today. You were happy, genuinely happy. I hope I get to that point too.

Day 55 - Time stopped when I saw you standing in front of the bookstore yesterday. All the memories that I had a hard time forgetting came flooding in. I missed you. I missed you so, so much that I had the urge to run into your arms and just hug you. I remember all the kisses. I suddenly longed for one. I took one step towards you. That moment, I was so ready to beg again. Until I saw how you looked at the girl that came out of the bookstore. I know you love her because you used to look at me like that. Why do people from your past always haunt you just when you believed that you are already doing okay without them?

Day 60 - I still can’t accept the fact that you have replaced me. But I hope she takes care of you and loves you so, so much. I hope you don’t leave her ever. Maybe this time, she is worth it. I’m going to be okay. Yes, everything’s going to be fine.

Day 75 - I’m feeling better right now. I went to church yesterday and cried my heart out. I cried for what we were, what we are now, and for what we could’ve been. Maybe you weren’t really meant to stay in my life permanently. Maybe I needed to be taught a lesson that school can’t teach me. And maybe you were meant to be my teacher. It still hurts sometimes and I still miss the memories but unlike before, I don’t miss you now. Maybe I’ve become stronger, more mature.

Day 86 - I missed smiling and laughing heartily like this. I never thought I could be this happy without you. But look at me now. There are no fake smiles, no pretentions. I am really okay. And right now, I hope you are just as okay as I am or even better!

Day 92 - I received a note from you yesterday through my best friend. I thought the letters stopped altogether when you decided to leave. But look, you wrote me one again. You used to write me a two-page letter every time we have a big fight. But right now, it’s just a one-half piece of paper you obviously tore out of your notebook. And only three words are written: I AM SORRY.

Day 95 - I’ve been thinking whether I have really forgiven you for leaving me. And know what? I already did. I’ve forgiven you for all the lame excuses and all the stupid alibis and for not putting up with my mess when I have always put up with yours. I have forgiven you for all the pain you have caused me. I have forgiven you for keeping distance when all I wanted was to keep you close. I have forgiven you for choosing to leave. And I have forgiven myself for all the wrong choices I have made which could’ve been one of the reasons why we broke up. However, please know that I won’t ever regret meeting you.

Day 100 - I left an envelope at your doorstep a while ago. In it was a letter I wrote last night. Mind you, it had been tough writing to you my last letter ever. I reminisced our happy and sad moments and I realized that regardless of how we ended up, I would still choose to make those memories with you. I never regret any of them. Instead, I am glad we made them. I am glad that every time I look back to what we had, I can still see happy faces and hear sincere i love you’s. Yes, it had been painful and difficult toward the end but the happy and romantic memories ruled. I am glad I have met you, fallen in love with you, and have finally let you go. Thank you for making me stronger; for helping me realize that I need to love myself first before falling in love with another; for making me see the importance and the worth of the people who have always loved me; for helping me acknowledge the fact that sometimes, I need to be my own hero, that nobody could save me unless I choose to save myself. Thank you for making me see the beauty in hellos and the good in good byes. It would always be a privilege to be loved by you. I hope you have a great future ahead. Thanks for the memories.

—  A hundred days of letting go (m.b)
I was Exorcised

hark-she-speaks submitted:

When I was in high school, I was terribly depressed. After the death of my cousin, whom I basically raised, I lost it completely. I attended a Christian high school, where we studied demon possessions but I never really thought much of it until her death. 

I had shut myself off from the entire world for quite a while. At first, it was situational depression, as diagnosed by 14 therapists. No one understood what was wrong with me. As the depression worsened, so did things around my house. I’d black out for a bit, and wake up with cuts all over me for no apparent reason. Time went on and I began seeing horrible things.

I’d start seeing people hang themselves from the chandelier in my house. Around the same time every night, I’d hear screaming coming from down my hallway. No one believed me for quite a while, until my mother saw what was happening to me. I had lost about 60 pounds, my body was always bruised and cut. I never remembered any of it. She talked to a psychic, who gave us a tape to play over and over again 24 hours a day in our house. The tape had some chanting recorded on it in a language I had never heard before. 

Things worsened when we played it. So much so, that I was admitted into a mental hospital here in California for a while to keep me safe but away from my family.

My parents stopped it almost immediately and sought help from a preist. I was then exorcised at 17 years old. After it, everything stopped. 

Everything was fine for quite a while. It wasn’t until I started dating a guy. Everyone knew there was something strange about him, but no one could put their finger on what exactly scared them about him. One night, he told me he had always been followed by some entity and sometimes, it would get mad when he was around me. I began praying in his room and all of the sudden, the lights went out. I got scared and went home immediately. 

Once I got home, I began telling my mother what had happened. As I was telling her, everything out of my closet flew out. My mother took me and left the house for the night until she figured out something to do. She told me to stop seeing the boy. I didn’t at first, but later, I couldn’t stand to be around him. His eyes burned.

I’ve never really told anyone any of this. I’m afraid people would think I’m insane. I assure you, I am completely sane but have had some terrible experiences. The demons still haunt from time to time. 

Fuck Yeah Nightmares Mod Fey: I’d love to hear more details on the exorcism and an update on how you are now! 9/10 for scares and thank you for sharing!

Can I tell you a story that might be able to sway some of your anti-choice “friends” hopefully? I was looking through your blog and I was reading your comment about how adoption is an alternative to parenting not pregnancy, and omg that hit the nail on the head. 

Let me explain. My SO and I had been together for four years when we decided to stop trying to prevent pregnancy. We weren’t trying but we weren’t preventing either. We wanted a baby but figured it would take a least another year to get pregnant. I became pregnant immediately. 

Before I had even found out I was pregnant, things began to go south. My boss of three years called all of us into into work one day and sat us down and told us he was letting us all go because they were closing down the restaurant. The next closest restaurant was 25 miles away so he could transfer us if we wanted. I couldn’t, because I have a phobia of driving and don’t have a licenses. I was used to walking five miles to and from work everyday due to being insanely active my whole life, but I doubt I could make it 25. 

Since I had been the only one of us working at the time, and now without a job, we stopped NTNP and he got back on condoms. I, of course, was already pregnant. When I found out I was, I was excited but scared. Neither one of us had a job. We began to look at adoption immediately but we both wanted our child. It began some fights between us, him the rational logical thinker and me the emotional thinker. I began to look for a job. 

Unfortunately a couple weeks later I began to vomit. I had heard of morning sickness, but this was torture. I would be bent over the toilet sometimes for hours at a time unable to stop myself from throwing up even when nothing was in my stomach. The meds my doctor prescribed for the nausea didn’t work. I was diagnosed with hypermesis gravidarium. It landed me in the hospital three times the first trimester for dehydration. 

The last time it landed me in the hospital I was 17 weeks and disoriented, peeing blood, in early labor, and walking from the front doors to the lobby left me winded. The nurses had me sit down for a few minutes while they waited fro the chair to be free to take my temperature, blood pressure, and heart rate. I managed to get my breath back when they started doing all of that. A few seconds past and the nurse was calling a code and yelling. I found out from my SO later that I had a resting heart rate of 185. (If you don’t know, you’re supposed to have a resting heart rate of 60-100 beats per minute). They got me in the back and immediately on a saline drip plus some other medicine that I can’t remember. Five minutes later they were changing and empty saline bag. This lasted all day. They told me I had tachycardia and needed to be on bed rest until my OB told me I could get up. 

I was on bed rest till I was 32 weeks pregnant. 

During that time, my SO got a job and we found a house. I however was suffering more and more. I went from being active to not at all. I began to have increased symptoms. I had constipation so bad I didn’t use the bathroom for weeks and when I did I was on the toilet crying and screaming in pain every single time. During my entire second trimester my child was high up so I struggled to breathe the whole time. I barely slept because I was always gasping for air. I developed heartburn for the first time in my life that left me spiting up because it was so bad. I’d sometimes go through a thing of tums in a day. My vision worsened but no eyedoctor would see me because I was pregnant so I was forced for twenty weeks to go without seeing clearly. I had UTIs, hot flashes, mood swings that left everybody around me running for the hills to avoid me, and my teeth began to fall out- which is apparently common in pregnancy. All the while I was eating healthy, but still being stuck in bed and not moving causes me to gain weight. I went from a healthy 130lbs to 215lbs. 

By the time I was allowed to get up, I couldn’t move. 15 weeks of little to no movement and no exercise had left me overweight with a back and hips that couldn’t handle the pressure. It hurt to move. 

My due date drew near and my stomach began to itch. A lot. It felt like a heat rash at first which didn’t surprise me. I was pregnant and it was the middle of the summer in the south. But it got worse and worse. It felt like I had poison ivy on top of hives. My OB diagnosed me with PUPPS, which I had never heard of until then. It itched so bad I wanted to rip my skin off. I stopped sleeping, only passing out when exhaustion became to much for me. 

Eventually though I went into labor. I was in labor for 42 hours. I had heard of women complain about contractions before, but I had no idea. Apparently there is a chemical in a woman’s brain that makes labor and delivery seem not as bad as it was. Without this chemical I doubt the human race would have survived. So hearing about how painful L&D was, just remember that women downplay it. A lot. And they did, because my contractions were the most painful thing I’d ever gone through. 42 hours of contractions coming and going every 3-4 minutes and lasting a minute at a time. 

I gave birth though and I cried. Finally it was over. I didn’t take into account that postpartum can be worse.

I had already warned my doctor that I was bipolar. I had been my entire life. I was put on medication again but I had no idea that the dose I was taking coupling with PPD would be inadequate. 

My bipolar episodes put a strain in my relationship with several people, including my SO. I lost several friends- CLOSE freinds and even my SO right before our fifth anniversary. 

I could go on and on about how I’m still overweight and highly depressed 19 months later. About how my back still hurts and my hips are still sore. I could go on about how much I hate myself because I lost the love of my life along with friends due to pregnancy hormones. I could tell you about how much I lay in bed every night and hate myself because I’ll never have my body back the way it used to be. I lonely and depressed and sometimes I think about how good my life would be if I hadn’t had gotten pregnant. 

But I WANTED my baby. 

Now imagine someone being FORCED to go through this. Someone who is pregnant with twins, or who has schizophrenia instead of being bipolar. Someone in an abusive relationship or not as financially stable as we managed to become. Someone who is an addict or has other kids to watch. 

Just imagine that and then remember that compared to a lot of other women, I actually had a pretty damn tame pregnancy. 

Thank you for listening to my story. I hoped I helped someone.