pairing: poly!hamilsquad x reader
word count: 2600
warnings: swearing, sadness, suicidal-ish thoughts???
prompt/request: “Maybe you could make one where reader’s having a really bad day and the Hamilsquad find them and comfort them (one of them more than others)?” from an anon
a/n: this is a lot like other sad ones i and other people have written and i didnt proofread this cuz i got too sad and also this is my first time doing poly!hamilsquad stuff and its probs bad but!!! i hope you enjoy either way!!!
The second you got home, you threw your phone on the couch, stripped off all of your clothes, and climbed under the duvet on your bed, wrapping it around yourself and not even thinking about when you planned on coming out.
Things had been really… tough lately, to say the least. You felt like every day poked and prodded at your brain until, eventually, it started bleeding and, eventually, the bleeding never really stopped. You were always worrying, about work or the boys or about your weight or how much food you were or weren’t eating, and you were always thinking about what you had to do next. What you had to prepare for. What if there was a fire? Which one of the boys would be strong enough to carry one or hopefully two of you out of the burning apartment building? If you spilled on your white blouse, how would you get the stain out? When you couldn’t get a ride home, would you bus, or would you call one of the boys? Should you call one of the boys? What were the signs of a stroke – you didn’t remember, and what if someone around you was having one? What if someone came into your work with a gun? What would you do? What are you doing? With your life?
You groaned slightly as the blanket peeled back, revealing a happy but also slightly concerned John Laurens, one of your boyfriends, floating over top of you. It took a moment for you to adjust to the light – he must’ve turned on the overhead when he walked in – and, when you had, you poked out your head further into the world to see his legs on either side of you, practically pinning you down.
“Hey, baby,” John greeted when he saw you, leaning down and placing a kiss softly on your mouth. “What are you doin’ underhere? Ain’t it a bit dark?”
You shrugged and began to pull the blanket back over your head. “I was jus’ napping,” you answered nonchalantly.
“Can I join ya?” he asked you rather loudly, straightening up and beginning to unbutton his dress shirt. A smile was plastered on his face – as it always was, around you – but it didn’t seem… real. You could see the worry pooling in his eyes. This was because you never went to sleep alone; especially not naps. “I’m damn cold, and it’s prob’ly really warm under there…”
You shrugged and bit your lip. “Go ahead.”
He was quiet after that. You watched, a bit sadly, as he stood up and puttered around the room, taking off his jeans and changing into a pair of gym shorts he used as PJ shorts; letting his hair out of the tight ponytail it was in and combing it; folding all of his clothes and putting them away in his section of the closet, shutting it tightly behind him and leaning against the door. He breathed out slightly before he approached the bed, running the very tips of his fingers over the blanket before entering. “Do you wanna be big spoon or little spoon?” he questioned.
“Little spoon, please,” you managed to squeak out weakly, closing your eyes and tugging the blanket almost up over your face as you turned on your side. You felt the tears coming on. You were so tired. You were so sad. Your brain felt so battered and bruised. John normally helped you feel better, but… he wasn’t right now. And you didn’t know what to do.
John slipped soundlessly under the blankets and rolled over to you. You could hear him giggling to himself as he did it, but you didn’t look. You couldn’t look. You squeezed your eyes shut, wrapped your arms around yourself, and curled up into a slight ball. How could he be so happy when you were so miserable? Why were you so miserable? Why couldn’t you be as happy to see him as he was to see you? You felt his arms snake around your waist and pull you close to him, his legs curling to match the curve of yours. The sound of his heartbeat almost made you burst into tears right then and there. You could feel it quickening. You held you breath.
“You’re… not okay, are you?” John murmured hesitantly into your ear, his warm breath washing over your cold skin. “You… never go to sleep, yenno, alone…”
“I’m fine,” you told him in response. You couldn’t tell him. You couldn’t worry him. He was happy. He was so happy and had been so happy lately. You couldn’t ruin his day, you couldn’t ruin his happy state of mind, you couldn’t ruin him. He was already beginning to get quiet, and you didn’t like it. John was rarely quiet. He was only quiet when something was bothering him. Only quiet when he felt upset.
“Babe….” He pressed a kiss to the nape of your neck than ran his nose over it gently. “Please. I just… I just wanna help.”
“You… can’t,” you whispered, bringing your hands up and pressing them to your face. “You can’t. I’m fine. Please, John, don’t ask again. I’m fine.”
He released a sigh. You could feel the air rustling the hairs at the back of your head, and for a second, he didn’t say anything. You thought you were in the clear. And then, with the utmost tenderness, John tightened his grip around your waist and pulled you impossibly closer, pressing his forehead to the top of your spine. “I love you,” he mumbled against the fabric of your shirt. “And if it was any otha day, I would stop. But you… haven’t taken your work shirt off, you’re nappin’ alone, you’re… you’re cryin’, Y/N, and don’t try to tell me you’re not because I know you are. I know you. And I know somethin’ is wrong.”
Seconds ticked by. You thought about it, through the fact that your eyes were beginning to well up with ears; you thought about telling him how unhappy you were, how exhausted you felt, how much you wanted to just fall asleep in the bathtub and… maybe not wake up for two weeks. Maybe not wake up… ever. You let out a gentle sob and he reached gently with his finger to lift the hem of your shirt up, tracing hearts onto your stomach. You opened your mouth, choked back a weep, and you were just about to tell him when….
“I’m hooo-ooooome!” Lafayette called in the other room, the door slamming shut behind him. You and John were still, almost frozen. “Is… anyone else home?”
“I’m right beside you, baby,” you managed to hear Herc say. It was only then you realized the bedroom door was open. You and John would have absolutely no privacy – sooner or later, the boys would walk in to find the two of you spooning, and one of you crying…
“John? Y/N?” Lafayette called questioningly.
“They’re normally home by now…”
“I know, Hercules, that’s why I was calling for them,” Lafayette said casually in response. “My babies? Is anyone here?”
John turned his head around as much as he could with his arms still wrapped around your waist and called back, “We’re in here, Laf. Me and Y/N.”
“Oh, good!” Lafayette cheered, dropping whatever he was carrying on the ground with a soft thump and running down the hallway (with a quieter set of footsteps following him), practically skidding to a halt in front of your door. You didn’t remember looking up, but your eyes were squinted as you watched two more of your boyfriends come into the light of the room. John’s head knocked quietly into yours as he swiveled it back around to face you, and you turned away while closing your eyes, not wanting to see more people you would just make as unhappy as you felt. Suck up your tears, you told yourself… “Ah… having a little cuddle, a little nap, without me and Herc, I see?” Lafayette teased.
If you were looking at him still, you know the smirk surely playing on his lips would’ve dropped the second he heard you sniffle.
“Be quiet, Laf,” John told him. The words were angry words, but John wasn’t angry. “Just… be quiet.”
“What is wrong with ma beauté?” Lafayette whispered loudly, stripping himself of his coat and moving around to your side of the bed. You opened your eyes to see him crouched in front of you. He reached a hand upward to cup your face. “Baby, Y/N, what is wrong?”
“She was just gonna tell me,” John murmured. “Just… sit down, the two of you, okay? And then we’ll see if we can… coax somethin’ outta her.”
There was a period of a few minutes were Hercules and Lafayette did the same thing John had done when he came in. They took off their work clothes, dressed into their lounging clothes, brushed their hair (well, more accurately for Herc, he took his hat off and tucked it in his drawer), and, eventually, crawled onto your bed on the other side. John took his hands away from you, and you almost whimpered at the loss of contact.
“Sit up, baby, and tell us what’s wrong,” he urged. You took your lip in between your teeth before… You sat up, maneuvered your way around him, and finally leaned back against the pillows when you were in between all of them, wedged between John and Lafayette. If you weren’t keeping your secret any longer… why try and be secretive about it?
“I’m…” Exhale. Inhale. You squeezed your eyes shut as you felt them watering and dug your thumbnail into your hand to try and hold the tears back. Your fear, your sadness, was lessened ever so slightly when Lafayette wrapped his arm around your shoulders and brought you in close to him. “…Really unhappy.”
Everything became tense. The boys seemed… awkward. Your eyes widened when you realized what you had said and feverishly you tried to stammer through your explanation as Lafayette’s arm became stiff around you. “No, n-no, not because of you guys, please, don’t think that! I-it’s not you, I’m not… t-talking about you guys, I love you all so much, I promise. It’s just…”
You hiccupped a sob and pressed your face into your hands, wailing and moaning against your moist skin. Lafayette hugged you tightly, and it didn’t take long before you were being hoisted onto his lap. John shuffled closer. Hercules put a hand on your leg as you continued to speak against Lafayette’s shirt. “I love you guys, so much, a-and I’m so thankful, but… I’m so sad lately? And s-s-stressed? And tired? I can’t think… of a s-single moment in the past month where I haven’t wanted to sleep for… well, a r-really long time… and I hate my work, and I’ve… never been in a relationship like this b-b-b-before, and I’m worried I’ll d-disappoint you guys, and I don’t know who I am or wh-what I’m doing with my life and I want it… I want it all to stop.”
“A month?” John repeated, pushing himself up with an arm. “A whole month?”
You nodded and grabbed two fistfuls of Lafayette’s shirt in your hands, pressing them to your eyes.
“And you… didn’t think? To say anythin’?”
You shook your head.
“What the hell, Y/N?”
“J-John,” Lafayette warned as your head turned to see John. He was crying and biting his lip, now sitting cross-legged on the sheets. He looked upset. Angry, but not upset. “Please, do not upset Y/N, it’s not a good time…”
“I love you so much and I wanna help you through the bad days, Y/N,” John whispered as he moved closer to you. “That’s what me, and our boys, are here for. To help ya through the tough days. To make them… better.”
“He’s right, Y/N,” Hercules added from where he was sitting. “You should’ve told us.”
“I didn’t want to make you sad b-b-because all of you are always so happy and I-I didn’t want to be the one to ruin it,” you sobbed weakly. “I’m sorry. I’m so, s-s-so sorry, I didn’t want to make you sad…”
“Y/N,” Lafayette began, “you… never have to apologize. And you never have to feel like… like you can’t come to us. We want you to come to us, okay? I would rather sop up your tears and hold you in my arms until you fall asleep than watch TV and be perfectly happy without knowing you’re upset. You’re more important than my happiness. Your happiness is more important than my happiness. Okay?”
“Don’t keep a secret like this from us in the future, okay?” Hercules told you.
You sniffled and wiped your nose with your wrist. “Okay.”
Lafayette pressed a kiss against your forehead, patting your bum, and lifted you off of him carefully. You watched as he untangled himself from the sheets of the bed, walk unsteadily across it, and jump onto the carpet beneath. “I’m going to make you dinner, ma beauté,” he told you. “Hercules and I are going to make you dinner.”
“What abo –“
“Stay here and keep her company while we cook, babe,” Hercules said as he cut John off. “Calm her down. Give her a massage or somethin’.”
John chuckled slightly and reached out his arms, grabbing you and pulling you towards him. “Do you want me to give ya a massage, baby?” John questioned, pressing a kiss against your temple.
“I wanna sleep,” you told John as you yawned.
“Before ya sleep, we should take off your clothes,” John whispered in your ear as Lafayette and Hercules turned off the lights and shut the door. “Can I take off your shirt, Y/N?”
“Yes please, John,” you told him. You felt small, like John could swaddle you up in his arms like a baby. But you felt happy. Safe. The boys always had a way of making you feel better – you needed to remember that next time you felt like this. They would always be around for you whenever you needed them. “And then we can sleep.”
“And then we can sleep.”
You couldn’t sleep later that night, it turned out, but for the first time in a long while, your insomnia didn’t fill you with a sense of dread. Your eyes had just closed when you heard your phone ding with Alexander’s familiar notification. He was on a work trip, and you… hadn’t realized how much you wanted to talk to him until now. You missed him so much. Your heart ached. It was a different ache than it had been before, though, and it felt somewhat refreshing. But sad, too. You slid out from bed and padded over to where your phone was plugged.
Hey, sweetie, I love you and I just got Laf’s text. I’m sorry you had a tough day and that you’ve been having tough days. Call me or text me if you need to talk again, okay? Doesn’t matter the time difference. I’m here if you need me, and I’ll be home soon.
Please come home soon.
I will, sweetie. I love you so much. Get some sleep.
You smiled, shut your phone off, and sleepily found your way back into bed.
Yes, today was a tough day, and yes, you were going to have a lot of tough days in the future…
But at least your boys would be with you for all of them.