i really and truly did

Haise’s Birthday Poem begins with the lines [x]:

“Someone said this:
“Even if you have no memories of being loved, for as long as you have memories of loving someone, you can continue to live.”

…But how is someone who has never been loved be capable of loving someone else?

A child who wasn’t able to receive the minimal love they required at the time they needed it the most will continue to gaze at the illusion of affection and never know how to love until the day they die.

Well, how about me? Can I continue to live?”

Furuta grew up without love, surrounded by the products of Tsuneyoshi’s fucked up harem. The only person who seems to have shown any affection at all for him, as seen in the flashback in this chapter, is Rize. Rize who cared if he died when she ate him. Rize who played with him. Rize, whose fate he was fully aware of. Who he saved, because at some point, or maybe deep down still, he understood that that fate is wrong. She was the only thing he had, and he let her go, for her sake.

In this explanation to Kaneki, he mentions explicitly that as a child, he had these childish ideas of love and marriage in the future for them. Things he gave up for her safety from the men of the main Washuu house.

Even when he’s being crude and creepy, talking about Rize having all of those children for him, he references 101 Dalmatians. A Disney movie. And one with some of the healthiest romances, both between the dogs and the humans.

Even now, he’s looking at a Disney movie where two dogs snuggle each other. Where these two dogs have 15 puppies who they risk their lives to save. And who adopt 84 other puppies who would otherwise be dead. When you think about him as someone who grew up surrounded by who knows how many half-siblings, in the Garden like he did - this is basically him saying he wants a Disney Romance.

Which is not to say that the way he’s speaking isn’t terrible. That the tropes he’s using aren’t horrible and misogynistic. They are. Furuta, as he always has, is falling back on farce and drama, on systems of power that he himself as already explicitly told you he condemns. Furuta switches between honest and lying, between truth and exaggeration, between real emotion and fake dramatic flare over and over.

He speaks in this weird mix between a cynical jaded, crude adult, and a desperate, sad, idealistic, stubborn child. Like with his big speech to Eto about V in 66, I think this chapter he is mixing truth and fiction. Sometimes strategically, sometimes just because.

@linkspooky​ pointed out to me that it almost seems that the more honest he’s being, the less of his face is shown. Times when he’s really approaching sincerity and seriousness, he’s shown from the side.

Where as most of the time, he’s hidden under his flare and his masks and his drama.

Furuta, for all his fake emotion, is clearly uncomfortable with the real thing. Uncomfortable when people make him feel things and uncomfortable expressing emotion. Uncomfortable and unskilled and really parsing it.

Instead, he falls back on theatre and performance and lies.

When he says he couldn’t bare the thought of her having a kid after being free for so long… was he talking (just) about jealousy, or was he talking about the fact that the CCG, and thus V, was gaining on her - had almost captured her in the 6th ward and gotten Shachi in the struggle, and was well on their way to tracking her down again? Was he talking about not wanting her to be free, or about after all that time, still not being able to accept the idea of her being recaptured by V and used by the Washuu men like that.

He used her too, of course - and brutally. I think he was mad at her not only for wasting the freedom he helped her win, for almost getting caught again - but also because he still cares. And he doesn’t want to still care about her. So he punished her for his own feelings. Furuta is… not a fan of his own feelings. And he’s childish.

Its not an excuse for what he did to her, but I do think he acted when he did, if not the way he did, because if he hadn’t, there was a very real chance she’d have returned to her old fate. And that, he could not abide. Even now.

What he did, to Rize, in taking her power and undergoing that surgery himself, in killing off all the Washuu, taking leadership of the CCG - he gives multiple reasons for it even in this one conversation with Kaneki. On the one hand, in his proposal to Kaneki, he sets up a clear role for himself - as a villain to unite ghouls and humans against (Kaneki’s team, rather than the CCG and Clowns in this case) and introduces it as a big production, culminating in his own, rather than Kaneki’s death - ever suicidal as he is.

But explicitly, he also claims that people don’t need reasons for what they do. He also claims that he is doing what he wants to do, and that he is doing what he wanted to do as a child.

I think all of these have a grain of truth to them. He talks in such a way that mixes narratives, mixes truth and fiction, and sometimes just because its easier to talk with (half)fake emotion than real ones.

I think that Furuta, the nearly 6 year old child wants to destroy the toxic terrible “family” that used and abused him, and create in its place a 101 Dalmations style family, with him and Rize as Pongo and Perdita. A big loving, new Washuu family. This part of Furuta doesn’t care about ghouls or humans or Kaneki Ken or Eto Yoshimura or any of that at all.

But Furuta is also an adult, and became one probably much too quickly, if he knew what awaited Rize and helped her escape because if it. And the Adult Furuta knows he can’t have any of that. That Rize forgot about him and doesn’t love him back and that he burned that bridge by dropping those beams. His children with her are going to be via Kanou. Anything new will be born from death and fire and war. Adult Furuta has plans. Adult Furuta wants.…something… out of all of this. Some grand finale.

Part of Furuta is still that child - still wants Rize to come back to him and love him and play with him (and maybe kill him). Wants a big happy Disney ending for them. But he also knows he can never really have that. He’s known that he could never have that, because of how he was born. That’s the irony of that line, about the life he has and how he might as well. Because he was born to NEVER get what he wanted, ever. (And yet - and yet he fights back - viciously and endlessly and savagely, despite being born only to serve.) Because he has grown up now, and he’s done terrible things, and he knows that that happiness is impossible. But he’s also 6 years old and desperate and lonely.

I personally have thought for a long time that Rize is being set up as the one who will kill Furuta. I just hope (though I don’t necessarily expect) that they will get a chance to talk before it happens, or when he’s dying, or something. A chance for him to thank her for finally killing him, after all this time. A chance for him to say sorry, or not to - to say he’s glad he did it if it ended there, with him dying in her arms.

I still don’t think Furuta thinks any way about women, in general, though I understand why people see this pattern. It’s certainly a power structure highlighted by his character, either way. I think he probably has a good deal of the background misogyny of the culture and of the Washuu clan in his upbringing, but he also has a deep seeded hatred for everything about that upbringing. His understanding of things is so twisted and bent around this terrible place he was raised in, and the world he was forced to live in, that its honestly a miracle he’s still fighting for something different.

But Furuta sees every structure as a farce, as a mask, as a tool, rather than a truth. And he plays with these tropes of misogyny and discards them just as quickly. He’s making himself out to be a villain, to be crude, to be cruel. And it’s no excuse for his actions - for the very real fate Rize suffered at his hands. But he deals with Matsumae as a failed knight and a hypocrite, not as a woman. He plays with misogyny and its masks and its power system when he’s mock-flirting with Eto, but the next second he throws it away. He has no regard for masculinity or its virtues. Its a game to him. And that is a nasty and dangerous way to look at a very serious thing. Which is a great metaphor for Furuta who sees farce in everything. And is setting up a grand theater with all of Tokyo as its stage, possibly to write his own death into the final act.

“When I unveil this, won’t you come play with me?” He knows what Kaneki wants. He knows who Kaneki will save. He knows who Kaneki will kill. He still wants to die, and he seems to like the idea of dying to make things better, in a sense. And still, he’s speaking like a child. Come play, Kaneki. 

“Doesn’t it make you want to die?
If you die, you can get cured you know. (This is true.)



So if you were planning on giving me something.
In this year, I want four times more of that love or hate.



PS: (Laugh, it’s fun!)” [x]

6

 

    ̵̝̘͔̼̦̗͍̞͗ͥͮ̌̎̆̏́͊͞  ͯ̓͏̝͈ ̙͇̬̋͒͘ ̝̭̈̍͑̆͌͟͠ ͖̞͉̳̩͈̲ͣ̓͂ͦ̚ ̺̣̙́̊̚̚͞ ̛͚̿̾̇̈́͋͂͗͛ ̶̯̳͈͔́ͧ̃ ̧͉͓̜̜̯ͯͩ̎͂̃͐ ̤͔͓ͥ̀ ̡̉͏̘̤̟̙ ̪̫̜̤͙͇̙ͣ͐͛̑̈ ̨̲̝͉͙̠͈͓̪͊̈́ ̢̆̋̽ͪͩ̑͐̅͞͏̤̹̮̱ ̷̜̟̲͉̳̳͉̅̋ͯ̈̀ ́̎͆̈ͩ̋̇ͤ̍҉̺̪͍̥͈̪̪͈̰̀ ͫ̈̇ͨ͆҉̫͈͖̯͖̲̬̼͢ ̛̬̦̜͚͙͇̖͒͝ ͇̫̰̖͆ͥ̉̄̕ ̧̡̑ͨ͆ͮͬͣ̌̔҉̖̖̤̳͚ ̛̄̓͏̬͚̖͔̱͔͚ ̨͖͕̬̩̫̤̗̩ͩ̄̑̇̄́͘ ̫̪̙̔̂̅̔̄ͪ̈̈͢ͅ ̶̤̦͉̗̔ͥ͛ͧͪ͑͐̿ͅͅ ̛̹̼̜̒͐ͬ͆̽ͬ͌͗ͯ̕ ̙̙̗̯ͨͫ̃͒ͬ̌ͫ̆ ̢̦͈̻̻͈͗̓̑̏ͪ ͑̄̈̄ͩͧͧ̇̋͏̹͇l̦̖̪͈̺̖̲̳̭ͫ̈ͫȍ̴̘̞͕͇̤̠͂͆̇̊͡͠o̲̣͍͖̒̍̈̕k̴̰̗̦͉̘̪͌ͨ̚ ̢̱̥̥͎͖̯̞̈́̓ͭ͌͠w̭͚͙͎͎̣͍ͫ̔ḩ͈̹̳̥͈̼̩͙̲̑ͣ̂͌a̞̣̞̰̤̔̌ͩ̾t̛̫̖̎ͦͩ͜͜ ̯̘͕͕̬̺̜͂͌̇̽ͭ́͜͞y̤̟̙̯ͨ͋̋ͨͥ̐̊̔͟o̺̤̞̤̜͛ͦ̂ų̤̜̮̪͙̜̳̤̾͐ͮ̅͋̋͝ ̽̏̆҉̖̹̱̤̫̖̝͎̀d̷̫̥́ͩͩͬ͋̉͝ĩ̸͓̹̖̩͚̠̦̒͢d̑̄̿͊́͏͓͚ ̮͔̻͛̽̒͆͗̀͝ ̪͚̝͍̟͖̏ͯ͜͡ ̷̦̻̪̫̯̫̩̔ͭͨ̚ͅ ̧̥̼̜̤̔͑̽̄͌ͥͩ̚͟͝ ̧̱̠̩́ͥ͋̀ͭ ̵̣͓̓̓͐ͥ̎̀̚͘ ̛̛̣̦̬͈̈́̊̌̈́͊͂̍͗͐͘i̢͖͙̰̤̫͓̺̙̺͗̃̓̓͜t̻̖͖̻̰̟̘̄̑ͮͤ͡͝'͍̙̞̘̤̄͋̈́̆́̏ͧ͘ͅs̷̱̺͕̬̭̠̳͌̓͌ͨ̍ͣ̓̕͡ ̨̰̪̭ͥ̾ͫ͊͌ͮ̀̄͗͜ȃ͓̬̌ͫ̇ͬ͂l̨̖̩̻͈̻̼̻̖͗l̲̦̥̾͊ͪ ͙̥̪̒͜͡y̶̧ͯͥ҉̖̭̭̯̞o̼͚̎̑̿̓͒ͩu̞̗̻̖͚͎̗͆ͥͬ̌ͨ̃̈͂̒̕r̛̯̟͈̭̻̬̹̠ͭͩ͒ ͚̳̫͓͔̯̟̗͋̓̅ͪͣ̐̽̌͟͡f̛̘̩̫̺̹͇̭̯̫ͨ̂̉́͟ȁ͚̯̘̑̒u̢̫̒ͣ̆̔͒́ĺ̗̰̤̝̇̿ͅͅt̵̻̜̼̙͚̞̱͊̋͒̓̅ͥͤ̆̓͢͞ͅ ̧̼̞͖̖̞͎͂ͫͣ̔̏ͨ̊̋ ̛͚̼̼́̇͝ ̘͖͓͔͎̌̍̃̈́͟ ̧̻̲̩͐̿͊ͦ̅ ̴̴͉̝̩͉͇͚̏ ̷̦͖̗̠̠̮̥͍̂͗̋͐͗ͯ̏ͅ ͐̈́͛͛ͧͬ́̐͏̤̖̭̦ ̤̪͂ͣ̽̆́ ̮̫̲̗̉̾̂̊̌̎͑̃ ͐ͭͮ̽ͫ̍ͭ͜͏̬̗̠̪ͅ ͍̥ͧͩ̌̾̋ͫͣ̍̃͟ ̶̎ͯͧͣ̈͘ͅͅ ̝͔̬̗̮̯͔̓͒ͤ ̪̝͖͚̘̔ͪ͋͜ͅ ̝̼̳̱̣̺̒ͬͯ ̢͉͚̪͎̣̰̯̞̔ͧ̈́ͮ̅ͬ͊ͨ̓̕ ̨̂ͬ̽ͯͅ ̤̦͈̥̩̞̘̟͋͛́̋̀͘ ̟͍͚̈́ͨ ̭͕̣̗͍̘̐́͟ ̸̬͈̘̗͗̃͒̒͛ͫ̅͟ ̢̬ͥ͒̍ͣ̎̋̉͜ͅ ̵̛̪͓̥̇̈́͑ͫͤ͑̏̆ ̡͎͈̱̜͖̘̮͙͖̉̔̎̄̑̎̾̑ͥ

if season 4′s main character is even, i hope the story isn’t about evak. i hope their relationship grows and develops and is tested but isn’t the focus. i hope the focus is about even as a person with his own problems and inner demons. i hope that he gets to grow as much as isak did this season, not necessarily from drama in their relationship, but from having more experiences and struggles he has to overcome himself, with isak on (and by) his side.

youtube

Everything’s a dystopian nightmare but I am listening to this, THE REAL BEST ORIGINAL SONG OF FILM YEAR 2016, and that is a nice thing.

8
Still Screaming

Just realised something.

Ok so I know that I sent Cait the Outlandolls Calendar, with a letter explaining a little bit about Sindy Claire and DDPJamie and the rise of the DollFrasers,( and the reason why I didn’t send Sam one, because I thought he might be intimidated by DDPJ, 😂)

BUT

THAT SHE WOULD ACTUALLY GET IT AND PUT IT UP ON THE WALL OF THE MAKE UP TRAILER WHERE SHE SITS EVERY DAY…..

I HAVE NO WORDS…..

Truly.

Did this really happen?

Originally posted by skunkandburningtires

You know what I want?

I want to normalize the fact that not everybody finds somebody. That not everyone falls in love and has a soul mate and has this great big romance. I want to normalize that some people never get married, never stay in a long term relationship, shit never even have one single romantic relationship. I want to normalize the fact that some people live by themselves forever and stay single for their entire lives and that it’s OKAY. That it’s not a tragedy, that it’s not depressing, that you’re not unlovable just because you aren’t loved in a romantic sense by someone. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m in love with romance, I think it’s an unendingly beautiful and interesting thing to read about, to watch happen. But it needs to stop being exalted as the epitome of living. Our main purpose for living. Because it’s not. 

I used to think that it was, I really did truly and deeply believe that there is someone for everyone out there (in a romantic sense.) But I’m slowly learning that’s not the case. And what I’m realizing is that when you say to someone, “I don’t think everyone has a romantic somebody out there.” You get a lot of pitying looks. People respond with “wow that’s cynical.” “Stop being so negative.” “Aw, sweetie there will be someone for you one day, just be patient.” But WHY does that have to be a cynical outlook? WHY does that have to be a negative thing to say? WHY should people look at me with pity when I say that? 

When I sat down and really gave some thought to it, as objectively as I could, I found there really is nothing wrong with living a perpetually single life. I have great friends, a great family - all of whom I deeply love and who deeply love me back. There is no lack of love in my life. There is a lack of romance but is that really such a tragedy for me? The answer is quickly becoming a resounding no. 

But when I let my emotions trickle in…that’s another story. Society has beat it into my head that there is something deeply wrong and incorrect about my life if I have no romance and I have dealt with  deeply painful feelings of inadequacy and major self-worth issues as a result.

I NEED this to be normalized so I can stop feeling like it’s a tragedy, that it’s depressing, that there’s something wrong with me. 

If I end up with romance in my life - wonderful. 

If I don’t end up with romance in my life - wonderful. 

No matter what, my happiness shouldn’t hinge on that. 

I thought I’d write a small thing for the Mirandy prompt too, @imaginationallcompact. Just some silly fun, really.

——-

“I can’t believe I’m sitting in a jail cell…and with you of all people.”

“I’d hardly call this a jail, Miranda.”

“Oh? Been in many, have you?”

Andy rolled her eyes, and tried for what felt the millionth time to get comfortable on the generic plastic chair. Miranda perched in hers primly, as if disgusted to be in contact with something with such an unimaginative design.

“They’ll be back any minute now. I mean, they can’t keep us forever.”

“I truly cannot wait.”

“Did you really have to punch Mickey Mouse?”

“Yes,” Miranda said. “I did.”

Andy sighed, which made Miranda purse her lips.

“And before you get all pious and uppity on me, let me remind you what he said to me.”

“Oh I heard him, Miranda. I was standing right there.”

Miranda glared, but not at her. She glared in some general way that made it obvious how uncomfortable she was.

“He didn’t upset me,” Andy said, softly. “You didn’t have to—”

“He called you a…” Miranda closed her eyes. “Of all the things. Andrea, I hope you know…”

“You don’t even have to say it, Miranda.”

“I truly shouldn’t have,” she sighed. “It was unprofessional. It was…”

“No. Listen, I kissed you back didn’t I? And I sure as hell don’t care what some guy in a Mickey Mouse suit thinks.”

“We were in public. Broad daylight, in a public place. He wasn’t half-wrong.”

“What?” Andy stuttered, frowning for a moment. “That I’m a motherfu—”

Miranda’s face colored a little.

“No.”

“You know what, I withdraw my complaint. I’m glad you punched him.” Andy said.

“I’m old enough to be your mother, Andrea.”

“And I’m old enough to know what I want.”

Miranda sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“It’s getting stuffy in here,” she said. “How long have we been imprisoned in this depressing little room?”

“Um…forty minutes?” Andy watched as Miranda’s expression darkened. “Look, Mickey was an ass. But it’s not security’s fault they didn’t recognise you. I mean, not everyone reads…”

“I’ll destroy them.”

“You can’t destroy Disneyland, Miranda.”

Miranda shot her a satisfied smirk, and Andy found herself a little mesmerized by the look in her eyes.

“Watch me.”

8

“There was one knight,” said Meera, “in the year of the false spring. The Knight of the Laughing Tree, they called him. He might have been a crannogman, that one.”
“Or not.” Jojen’s face was dappled with green shadows.

Lyanna Stark as the Knight of the Laughing Tree in the Tourney at Harrenhal
(requested by @aerysii)

Ok so here is the crazy plot twist! Murder mystery/thriller, two queer women, season finale, neither dies, they end up together, happy, with kids… It’s revolutionary 😭

9

I’m laying in bed at 10:30pm on a Saturday night (ikr so lit) just thinking about how blessed I am to have the most amazing people in my life.
Most of these people I wouldn’t know if it weren’t for Taylor. If it weren’t for a last minute trip to the states for a taylor concert I’d have never met my husband, I’d have never met his family, I’d have never met MY family.
A year and a half ago my life was so different. I was in a really rough place and truly did not see a future for myself. I was on the verge of being homeless, I couldn’t keep a job due to severe depression and visits to the hospital… it was just a really dark period of my life. Then things started to change. Things slowly began looking up when I found out I was going to be able to see Taylor. Then I was lucky enough to have met her. THEN A few days later I met Matt. Good things happen in threes right?
I never in a million years would have seen myself marrying Matt. After all, he was just some boy I met on a vacation in Alabama. It would be crazy for me to think anything more right?
Well things didn’t go as planned and I fell for him. Hard.
The past year and a half has been full of so many ups and downs but I’m finally where I want to be. Married to an amazing man, part of an amazing family, surrounded by all the love in the world and finally, truly, home.
I have sacrificed a lot. Moving from Canada to the states hasn’t been easy but having such supportive, loving people by my side has made it easier.
Like Taylor said, sometimes you have to walk through rainstorm after rainstorm until you’re finally clean. I love you so much Taylor. Thank you for bringing me so much happiness.