i really am losing the hours

I’m about to cry.

Lately, I have been feeling absolutely horrible. I am losing hope in doctors. I am getting really scared. That my theory is coming true again. That I need to get worse before they see the signs. With the cancer, I had 24 hours left to live before it was found.

anyways, I remember reading this article about this doctor who diagnosed a teenager and gave him his life back (article link) and researched the doctor and gave the number to my mom.

She called the doctor’s office and they told me to email the doctor my case and he’ll see if he’ll take it. I hope he does.

thank you, @aguitada for helping me through this.

This is just a really hard time for me because my cancerversary is February 4/5. My mom took me to the doctors a lot in January before they diagnosed me. If you don’t know my cancer story, she took me to the doctor’s 56 times in a year before they diagnosed me.

Today I joined Discord so I could talk to other people who were also into @CrankGameplays, and something happened that was amazing and awesome. For those of you who do not know, @crankgameplays basically set up one giant chat room with different chats going on all at once. I wasn’t going to join, mainly because I didn’t want to go through the hassle of signing up. However, today I finally caved and joined in. Most of the time what happens is you talk to people, you eventually have to leave for one reason or another, and its not really deep or anything. I’m not sure exactly what happened, but the group of people I was talking with were just as obsessed as I am and we somehow ended up talking for 3 solid hours. And we didn’t talk about random shit the entire time either. We got into some deep stuff, whether it was talking about relatives or best friends diagnosed with cancer and how to handle that, losing your pet and trying to move on, or talking about my depression that I’ve had for over a year. We supported each other and gave advice about stuff. And while yes, we did talk about some random crap, we really got to know each other. However, eventually people had to start leaving and stuff, and no one wanted to go. We wanted to be able to talk to each other. So before we left we all exchanged our Twitters and it’s been a grand total of 8 hours since, and already I get the feeling that some weird shits gonna go down eventually with all of us tweeting the same thing at Ethan or having huge conversations with each other with him tagged because we were replying to his post or whatever. It’s already happened a little bit. So anyway, basically I’ve made new friends, formed a support group with them, and had the one of the funniest times ever on Discord. I’m really looking forward to doing this more.

I didn’t go potty before bed last night and woke up having to pee a little, so thought it’d be fun to see how long I could last. I had a cup of coffee and a glass of water and I started squirming about an hour ago…am trying to distract myself but I really gotta go…should I stay in or do a challenge and go out to the store or something and try to hold? Coffee makes my bladder unpredictable, I feel like I could totally lose it at any minute or I could hold for another 30 - although I would probably leak before I got back! Pressing on my bladder is such torture but also makes me so horny…..so I’m having some fun doing that too ;) anyone else doing a hold? send me pics  ;)

I think the best thing i saw at otakon vegas was this amazing Paul cosplay, I ended up stopping them so many times to get pictures. anyways i decided that I would draw it. I hope you guys like it!

I don’t want to be sober today.

Honestly it’s exhausting to face physical and mental pain without narcotics. I feel so defeated. I’m so fed up with my screwed up sleep patterns. I desperately wish I could sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. I need a holiday from my chronic illness. Screw that I want a break from sobriety; on days like today it’s really hard to be sober. Every fiber of my being is crying for an escape.

As desperately as my mind wants to escape I don’t want to lose control of my life. I am powerless over drugs and alcohol. So instead I will rest and eat and take care of myself; effectively giving my body the energy it needs to keep fighting.

438 days clean and sober

December 12, 2016

So many thoughts racing through my head.

Doing a shift at work today just solidified my thinking that I will be resigning from my job to take care of Nate full time permanently. 
Going back and forth with my colleagues and discussing my options really made me realise that I don’t have any. Not really. 

50 hours away from my baby a week for $50/$100 profit. With all of his medical issues, my medical issues. Not worth it. 
Especially when I’ve literally been told by government powers-to-be that “just quietly” I’m better off not working and claiming some tax credits than I am working my butt off.

My only hesitation in resigning is my mental health. I didn’t sign up to be a SAHM. I knew being a mother would take over much of my life but I didn’t expect to lose my professional self as part of it. My son comes before I do, and he definitely comes before my work. But I can’t help but grieve for it all the same. 

I know I could study. Or get a part time job in the evenings/weekends. 
Everything is going to be OK.

Quitting my job isn’t going to kill me. 
At least I hope it isn’t. 

I really want someone to make me hold it for a set amount of time, specifically a number of hours that is no doubt setting me up to fail. With strict punishments if I wet or mess myself before the time is up. 

No matter how much I beg and squirm, they still say no, and when I inevitably lose control I am soundly punished and put under even harsher restrictions the next time around. 

So I’m kinda doing this short $20 commission sale, just to help out with a few things. And one of them is a commission of Wheeljack from Transformers: Prime. It wasn’t really next on the list, but after losing Roland, I wanted something comfortable to draw and I AM comfortable drawing Transformers. (I get sick of drawing them, but I’m comfortable drawing them.) Here’s the neat thing about this one… It took four hours from start to completion. The new Cintiq sped things up that much.

  • Me: craves attention, will literally do anything for it
  • Me like 5 mins later: Wants to be left alone, doesn't want to interact with anyone ever again.
  • Me: Feels really sexual, wants to make out, wants to make all your fantasies come true
  • Me like 5 mins later: Is sex repulsed, doesn't even want physical contact ever again.
  • Me: Starving myself, hasn't eaten, repulsed by the very thought of food. Desperate to lose weight
  • Me 5mins later: literally stuffing my face, insatiable hunger, eats until I feel sick.
  • Me: Tired, beyond exhausted, has had abt 8 hours sleep in a week
  • Me 5mins later: Awake, alert, sleep is for the weak.
  • Me: BPD is ruining my life at every turn, I cannot cope, I feel alone, I am nothing but my disorder
  • Me 5mins later: What BPD? I'm fine sweetie, I'm probably just faking it, there's nothing wrong with me (:

berniewhiskers  asked:

If you had to replace the characters in your/a favourite book/series with some of your characters, which book would you choose and who would become who? :)

I had to really think about this for a very long time…But I suppose it’s going to have to be Harry Potter. 

I am unsure who would become who, because some of the characters aren’t really transferable, but I have spent many an hour speculating what the characters would look like if they went to Hogwarts. I actually even sorted them one lazy afternoon! So here are some of my headcanons:

Rufus would be a Ravenclaw and have a strong predilection with getting caught up in secrets and odd things in the castle. He gains a disproportionate amount of points for Ravenclaw, but is is as likely to lose them for sneaking into the restricted section of the Library and sticking his nose into places it shouldn’t be. He is pyrokenetic. He probably has a pheonix feather at the core of his wand. He’s better at some of the subjects than his professors. 

Zachary would also be Ravenclaw, and he’d be Captain of the Quidditch team, position - chaser. He’s hands down the best flyer in the school. No one is sure why he’s Ravenclaw, as he sleeps in most of the classes and his grades are average, until it turns out to be terrific at jinxs and hexes. He is the only person in Hogwarts history to actually have, and wield, two wands simultaneously. 

Fae is a Gryffindor and nobody messes with her. She’s particularly good at Care of Magical Creatures and everyone is 100% convinced that she’s isn’t entirely human. She confirms or denies nothing. She is a registered animagus and can turn into a black cat. She has proved to be adept at wandless magic, and can perform certain magic without incantations. She’s a beater on the Gryffindor team and always seems to know where the bludgers are…

Jionat is also Gryffindor and Head Boy. He’s a direct descendant of Godric Gryffindor and is both revered and also teased for that. He embodies the characterstics of the house strongly. Where there is trouble, Jionat is likely to be close to hand (along with Rufus). He tries not to show it, but he can sometimes hear peoples thoughts and always skips divination…Mostly to disguise the fact that he’s a natural psychic and has periodic predictions. 

Luca is Captain of the Hufflepuff Quidditch team and a school prefect. Fiercely competitive, she’s the only school student to have successfully invited (ahem, broken into) every house common room in the school. You are as likely to see her hanging around the Gryffindor house table as you are her own. She is especially good at charms, but can throw a mean hex if you piss her off. She personally knows every house-elf in the school by name. The staircases always move in her favour. 

Got a question for the Harmatia Characters or me? My inbox is open for a Q&A - just say who you want to speak to and ask away. I will answer completely in character!

//Am I the only one that works on a draft, looks it over, gets nervous, leaves it for a few hours (or a day.. or more) and constantly tries editing it but never loses the nervousness? especially when it’s a mun I really admire

This social anxiety’s gotta stop, man. x_x

20 Random Questions for January 10th 2017

1. How many hours did you sleep the other night?

Answer: 6: 30mins.

2. Are you hurting physically, at the moment?

Answer: No, I am not.

3. Is there a thing that scares you right now?

Answer: Yes, the strong wind outside whistling. It’s fucking horrifying to hear.

4. Are you currently sexually frustrated?

Answer: Yes, I am. It’s worse than usual.

5. How many times to do you masturbate in one week?

Answer: I masturbate once a day, every day. I have to or like I’ll lose my shit.

6. Can you name a thing that you fear doing?

Answer: Creating the other blogs for my other muses.

7. What’s the last thing you ate?

Answer: A massive bowl of buttery popcorn.

8. How are your eyes, at this present moment?

Answer: Very sore and sensitive.

9. How is your mental state?

Answer: Shitty, like the usual.

10. Are you okay?

Answer; No because I want to write something so bad but like I can’t cause I am shaming myself for it on the inside.

11. What if the colour of your bra?

Answer: Forest green.

12. What is the colour of your panties?

Answer: Black and they are made entirely out of lace.

13. Can you name a kink that people shame you for?

Answer: Overstimulation. I looooove that shit. My body craves for it desperately.

14. Are you a dom or a sub?

Answer: I am a switch. It’s not recommended to give me the opportunity to dominate. I become this cruel merciless person.

15. Name a kink that you fear, if there is one?

Answer: Facefucking. I hate that shit so much just reading about it makes me tear up.

16. How many threads do you have to continue at the moment?

Answer: I got three of them that I simply lack the inspiration to answer them. I am not a fan of giving shitty answers.

17. Who inspired you to start roleplaying on Tumblr?

Answer: @bubblegum-psychopath It’s my all-time favourite rp blog. I have the notifications on for that blog cause I adooooore it.

18. Name a thing that you have to do but you’ve been putting off?

Answer: Dying the green in my hair again. Idk, I just don’t want to yet.

19. Name three things that you lack?

1. Sanity

2. Dignity

3. Logic

20. Since when did you start publishing your fanfictions publicly?

Answer: Since March of 2016. It’s when I created my AO3 account.

  • Me: I didn't do anything today! I really need to make tomorrow count! I'll get a good night's sleep and be fresh in the morning!
  • Me: *stays up till 2 AM*
  • Me: *sleeps in till 10 AM*
  • Me: *stumbles around for a bit*
  • Me: *gets completely absorbed in something on the internet*
  • Me: *gets tired and decides to take "just a quick nap," ends up sleeping for three hours*
  • Me: *wakes up and loses all motivation to do anything but keep browsing the web*
  • Me: *hours pass*
  • Me: I didn't do anything today! I really need to make tomorrow count! I'll get a good night's sleep and be fresh in the morning!
  • Me: *stays up till 2 AM*


 WARNING: involves guns, some violence, cursing and kidnapping..
 Today was shit…For all the horrible days I’ve had, this one takes 1st prize. I lose my job, my boyfriend cheats on me with my co-worker that used to be my best friend, and all this in about 12 hours. Now i’m driving down some road I’ve never been on so I can clear my head, but of fucking coarse my car has to break down. I bang my head against the steering wheel and curse to myself while stepping out of my car. I start walking down the road, not sure where I am or where i’m going, but i really don’t care…


About 5 miles up the road I notice a building. I start running towards it hoping that they had a telephone of some sort so I can call someone to come get me. My legs and feet feel as if they’ve been ripped apart and put back together as well, so the thought of sitting down was a push to get there faster. When i’m closer to the building I squint my eyes from the light as I have been walking in the pitch black night for who knows how long, and make out that the building is actually a gas station. I walk inside and feel the cold air conditioning hit my skin, making a shiver run down my spine. The old man behind the check out counter notices me after hearing the ‘ding’ of the door chime and gives me a strange look, probably wondering why a lady in a pencil skirt and blouse that’s covered in sweat and dirt is in a gas station in the middle of the night. I walk over to the counter and lean against it so I won’t fall. “Do you have a phone I can borrow?” I ask.

He nods and turns around to go into the backroom. I sigh and run my hand through my hair feeling a little bit of  weight lifting off my shoulders, then i hear a sudden screech of tires. I look to the front of the gas station to see a black SUV and 4 boys in ski masks hopping out of it holding guns. I find myself frozen in fear and unable to move. The first thing I think to do is scream, but my throat feels as if its closing up. The man comes back from the back room and sees me frozen in place staring out the front window of the gas station. He hears the door chime  and looks over to see the 4 boys in ski masks pointing their guns at the both of us.The  man at the counter puts both his hands up in the air telling the boys they can take whatever they want as I still cant move. The only thing only thing I can see about these boys is their eye color and their heights. The tallest boy with what seemed to be blue eyes goes behind the counter with a duffel bag pointing his gun at the mans head and tells him to open the cash register and put the money in the bag. Two of the other boys walk into the back room rummaging  through the stuff back there. I finally come back to my senses and start to slowly back away from the scene happening to escape through the front door. When I bump into someone I curse to myself and turn around to meet another boy with a pair of forest green eyes and plump lips forming a smirk. “Where ya goin’ sweetheart?” he asks in what seems to be an australian accent. 

I suck in a sharp breath of air and lock my arms to my sides unsure of what to do.The green eyed boy laughs and grabs my arms to turn and pull me against his chest, holding my whole body in his one arm and pointing his gun at my head. “Hey guys, I think we got a keeper!” he yells to the others.

The two boys that were in the back room come back to the front and laugh when the see the green eyed boy holding me. The blue eyed boy grabs the duffel bag full of money from the man that works at the gas station and walks over to the boy and I with a smirk. When he now stand in front of the both of us,  he bends down to my height and places his hand on my left cheek. “Go put her in the car.” He says and that’s when a sharp hit to my head causes me black out.

This is the first time ive ever written anything on here and I know this pretty much sucks but I would love to continue this so if u want a part 2, my ask box is open…THANK YOU!!!XXX (i would also like to thank whatsupbands and 5sos-visual-blurbs for inspiring me to write)

Part 2

Shadowhunters MEME Part 2
  • "If anyone catches us, we're dead."
  • "Right now, I just really need my mom."
  • "Whatever you do, don't lose hope."
  • "Together we can use the _______ to save the world."
  • "You're immortal. Time is on your side."
  • "I don't know who I am anymore. There's darkness in me. It's always been there."
  • "You let her break your heart, my friend."
  • "I came with you to escape my relationship drama, not get a front row seat to yours."
  • "Remind me why we couldn't do this at my place?"
  • "Well, it's happy hour somewhere, my dear."
  • "Emotions are never black and white. They're more like symptoms."
  • "I didn't betray you, _____. I saved you from yourself."
  • "What kind of people sacrifice justice for law?"
  • "Maybe that's my destiny, to bring your family and mine together."
  • "People said I was mad. So I owned it."
  • "If ____ doesn't make it out of there soon, you're going to be meditating six feet under."
  • "Visionaries are quirky crazy."
  • "I see ______ is the smart one in the family."
  • "Play dead"
  • "Maybe that's supposed to mean something, but you're still you, and I'm still me."
  • "Well, I don't want to bite you anymore."
  • "Maybe what I did was wrong and selfish, but my heart was breaking."
  • "Even starvation can't shut you up."
  • "You wanted to sweep history under the rug."
  • "Did you say I'm right"
  • "Don't get used to it"
  • "I'm nothing more than a monster."
  • "It's love that makes you fight harder for what you want."
  • "Once reborn, you emerge hungry."
  • "I haven't taken my eyes off her."
  • "_______ is quite magical"
  • "If I listened to my heart, I'd never be able to do my job."
  • "I'm dying to get out of this conversation."
  • "Your friends have the habit of turning up dead. I can't even imagine what your Facebook page looks like."
  • "Passion makes you dangerous."
  • "You have an interesting effect on people"
  • "I knew ________ would come to bite me in the ass."
  • "We break noses and accept consequences."

Having signed a secrecy waiver, I can only talk about certain things retaining to the subject of these poor birdies, so here’s my best shot.
Today we moved the rest of the ones that were in small cages to bigger ones.. and now only few are not in appropriately sized cages, but we do have the cages on hand to give that to them, so we really do not need more cages.
The majority of the birds are very ill with a disease that I cant disclose, buy it is bad enough that we are losing volunteer and are told to stay away from our personal birds for 24 hours. I luckily have a second house I am staying at but a lot of people don’t and now they cannot volunteer.
Here are a few pictures I was allowed to rake of the more common birds, and some of the healthiest looking, luckily not all of these birds look beat up.
What we desperately need right now are volunteers and money. We will have to treat ALL of these birds for several diseases and it will cost a LOT of money. Like probably over 10,000$ a lot. It’s terrible and there are people threatening to just euthanize these birds but we cannot let that happen.
We need volunteers daily desperately, if you or someone you know lives in Georgia and wants to help out please message me and I will give you details! We need people who are not afraid of any sized bird and know the risks involved with sick birds and home birds.
It’s amazing to see how many of these birds are actually friendly though. We get an hour every day to interact with a bird of choice, and we have realized that maybe half of them are somewhat or mostly handleable. A lot of lorikeets are just babies and are very nice.. and some Amazon’s are too!
We need your support more than ever.. please donate to the “Dekalb County Animal Services” on their website and specify that it is for the parrots! BOOST



I saw other people doing this and I wanted to join in too!!

They/Them pronouns

ADHD is trying to read long pages of text but not being able to concentrate.

ADHD is people without ADHD trying to convince me to stop taking meds to “"be more independent”“.

ADHD is people telling me that I don’t have it because I don’t fit their definition of it despite being diagnosed since at a young age.

ADHD is forgetting to do things even if they are important and you were just told to do it five minutes ago.

ADHD is having trouble sleeping because you feel restless and keep moving + stimming.

ADHD is having a messy room for days because of executive dysfunction.

ADHD is hyperfocusing for a few hours and totally losing track of time to find out it’s very late at night.

These aren’t necessarily positive things but these are my experiences and it’s what makes me who I am. I really like this selfie Tuesday thing because it makes me happy to see other people like me!!

thatswhtshesaid submitted: 

 Height: 5’ 7 

Weight Lost: -107lbs

hw: 307lbs / sw: 298lbs  /  cw: 200lbs

Time: 2 years (I stopped for about 6 months and gained back 20lbs of what I lost)

Diet/Exercise: For the first year I focused mainly on eating since it was too difficult to exercise but then I started doing lower impact exercises that didn’t stress my body about 2-3 times a week anywhere from 30 min to an hour. 

I stopped eating red meat for about 2 months since I ate a lot of it, and added more veggies and whole foods. I work with what I can on a budget buying fruits on sale and in bulk along with chicken and fish. 

Now at 200lbs I am really trying to build an regular exercise plan right now. I’m currently on week 2 of c25k and trying to find something to do on my rest days between that. 

I’m still looking to lose 55lbs more and while that may seem impossible I think if I really push myself I know I can do it. I just have to get over the mental hurdle. 

—- SEND in your own Before and After weight loss progress photos HERE.

I’ve been losing a lot of sleep since I met you.
At first, it was because I was too happy to fall asleep so I stayed up, replaying our first conversations in my head.
Then, it was because I couldn’t stop thinking about you with her, I couldn’t stop seeing you together, so I stayed up, crying into my pillow until I wore myself out.
Now, it’s because I am talking to you. Both of us not really having a topic of conversation, just going off what comes out. So I stay up, because going to sleep means losing you for a couple hours and even that scares me.
—  It’s been a sleepless, blissful journey (M.R)