i realize its like 1 in the morning

I’m A Mess

Anonymous Asked: you should do an angst filled fic where bucky and the reader break up but realize that they love each other and get back together. it can end in fluff or smut idc either way c;

A/N: Oooo. Okay ;) thanks for the suggestion!!:) xx

Warnings: angst, mentions of depression, swearing

Originally posted by little--batman

“I just get to stand by and watch her.” Bucky muttered, sipping on his bottle of beer while he was clad in sweats and a white t-shirt. Steve sat beside him in similar attire, watching his best friend drown his sorrows in alcohol much to his dismay. 

“Sometimes things just don’t work out, Bucky. That’s the part of life that sucks but just know that you’re going to feel better one day. It’ll all make sense in the end.” Steve tried his best to comfort his friend, even going as far as to give a subtle pat to the center of his shoulders. 

Bucky could only glare at Steve, “This isn’t the right time for your shitty wisdom. My heart is broken.” 

Steve put his hands up in surrender as Bucky swigged more of his beer, “Sorry, just trying to help.”

“Nothing can help me. I’m a mess.” Bucky muttered, staring at the ground as images of you flashed through his mind. Your hair was always wild, your smile was always bright, and you were always on his mind. 

Bucky let out a jarring chuckle of disbelief, “I love her, man.” 

“I know you do.” 

“The worst part of all this is that she’s happier without me.” 

“How do you figure?” Steve asked, his eyebrows furrowing though both he and Bucky knew the answer to that question. 

Bucky threw his head back and covered his face, groaning as he felt intoxication slip in and his brain begin to fuzz up. He ignored Steve’s question, only standing from the couch and scratching at his stubble. 

You still lived in the tower, you still slept soundly a few rooms down from his. The only difference was that his arms weren’t wrapped around your body, and you didn’t fall asleep to his steady heartbeat anymore. 

It was a mutual decision at first. 

Sometimes things just don’t work out, and both you and Bucky had come to the conclusion that it was best to break it off. Now, Bucky regretted it more than anything as he had finally come to terms with his feelings for you. 

The relationship was a roller coaster. You had your fights, but you had your make-ups as well and they always seemed to overrule the fights with Bucky. 

Bucky grabbed another beer from the fridge and plopped onto the couch, getting ready for yet another sleepless night. 

Little did he know, you were having problems of your own. 

Your blankets felt suffocating and your pillows just weren’t comfortable anymore. It had been three weeks and you still had a feeling in your gut that just wasn’t right. 

A cloud of depression hung over you constantly and you managed to put on a smile in front of others, but on your own it was the worst. Your thoughts almost provoked you, and you couldn’t sleep. You could only lay still in your bed, staring at the dark ceiling. 

You’d question why you had decided to go with the break up. You couldn’t find a particular reason. You wanted to stay with him but sometimes in the heat of the moment you say things that you don’t mean. Unfortunately, he agreed. 

“I just think that we should break up.” You whispered after a long silence, crossing your arms over your chest as you watched Bucky’s eyebrows furrow. The yelling was getting to be too much.

Bucky swallowed, “Okay.” 

You threw your blankets off of your legs and swung yourself up from the bed. “Water.” You thought aloud, your voice hoarse. 

Your feet carried you out of your room and onto the cool tile of the hallway. The kitchen wasn’t far away and you were quick to reach for a glass and pour some water out of the tap. 

Your mind raced with various thoughts and you couldn’t focus on one, but you tried your hardest to, only to be met with defeat. 

Clanking noises aspired from the living room, your attention being drawn in that direction immediately. Curious, you allowed yourself to walk out of the kitchen and stood in the doorway of the living room. 

Three empty bottles sat on the coffee table, a fourth being held in the hand of none other than Bucky Barnes, who was now alone and nursing the bottle between his lips. 

He didn’t seem to notice you, only staring onto the blank T.V. with no expression on his face. His face was flushed from the alcohol and his lips slightly swollen. 

You cleared your throat, allowing your presence to be known. 

“Oh, hi.” Bucky whispered, watching you close as you walked into the room and sat beside him. 

You weren’t quite sure what had come over you, but you pulled the bottle of beer out of Bucky’s hand and took a swig of it yourself. 

The two of you sat in silence for a moment before Bucky spoke up, “Can’t sleep?” 

“Haven’t been able to for about three weeks.” You muttered, giving a tight smile to Bucky. 

Bucky only chuckled, “Same.” 

Silence washed over you again and you only drank more. Before you started hyperventilating, you opened your mouth to speak. “I love you.” 

You didn’t know why you said it, but it was one of those times that you just couldn’t keep your mouth shut. 

Bucky smiled, “I’m dreaming, aren’t I?”  

“Why do you say that?” 

“Because I’ve been miserable for weeks. I’ve been watching you laugh and smile with Natasha and Wanda and I’ve been missing you like hell.” Bucky explained, laughing even harder and throwing his head back. 

You watched him clutch his stomach as he continued to laugh and you leaned backward slightly, “You’re scaring me.” 

“God damn it, you infuriate me sometimes. But I love you more than anything.” Bucky muttered, calming down and looking at you long enough to gauge your reaction before you grabbed his jaw and pulled his lips onto yours. 

It was a welcoming feeling, his plump lips on yours yet again. His hands stayed on your hips while you straddled his thighs and breathed in his heavily scent once again. 

“I love you.”  You whispered, biting your lip and kissing him again. A grin stretched across his lips as he held you close and rested his forehead on yours, just staring into your eyes. 

“I’m glad you two pulled your heads out of your asses and made up.” Tony spoke from the doorway, rubbing sleepiness out of his eyes. 

You jumped away from Bucky and sat beside him. 

Tony walked into the room and picked up the empty beer bottles before turning away. “Don’t fuck on my couch!” He called back, causing your face to go red and to bury it in Bucky’s shoulder. 

At least life was going to be better from now on.

Brain, shockingly enough going into sudden self reflection mode between 1-2 in the morning is not really a great idea? How did we go from writing fluffiness to throwing me realizations that could be important to me but I don’t really know what to do with?

Tl;Dr anyone else feel like they dabble in several things without going all that far in anything?

Important addition: this feels like something that may be possible to embrace, but I don’t know in what way or how…

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