i posted this as my status on facebook

I’m always taking selfies and pictures of wherever I am and then uploading them. I’m always doing Instagram stories and updating my Facebook status profile about what I’m doing. I guess it’s an addiction of sorts that my husband hates especially when we are away. When we came back from holiday I went to do an Instagram story that we were back at Gatwick airport. His exact words were “I’ll do a shit later do you wanna film that and post that to your IG story as end of hols shit?!”. He didn’t take one pic on holiday nor updated his Facebook or social media. My point to this is some people like to enjoy their breaks and not take pictures or update people where you are all the time. I would expect even more so when you are famous like Sam. I don’t expect any pictures or updates from him from New York. We know he is/was there due to the 3 (?) Sightings and from his comment about it being a nice day. Logically it also makes sense because his girlfriend is/was there too. Soooo I’m just happy he got a bit of downtime before he heads back to Europe to film his movie. Good for him. Life is far too short ❤

(Note this is not a post mocking anyone it is my opinion, how I feel waking up this morning and reading some comments that are on my dash. ✌)

my mom just posted a facebook status saying “after 50 our bodies die and only our spirit remains and we become invisible” and i do not know if this is because she’s worried she’ll be lonely for her birthday (she’s not even turning 50, she’s already past 50???) or if she’s trying to joke or….?

Man okay when I got my wisdom teeth out it was a fucking experience. Before the surgery wasn’t too interesting but as soon as I woke up I saw the nurse next to me and was all like “hey… i think… i died… and now I’m in a parallel universe… and i gotta go back to my house and kill the me from this universe” and he was just kinda like “alright, you do that”. And then the other nurse kept going in and out of the room to get things and I thought there was like 5 of her that kept coming out of the room, and then so when she was wheeling me out in a wheelchair I was like “damn… why are there so many of you… there’s like 5 many of you” and she was just kinda like “alright, you do that”.

Anyway I got to the car and my dad was there and he was like “how ya feeling son” in the dadliest way possible and I was like “MAN I AM PUMPED LETS GET SOME JUICE I’M STARVED” so we drove about 3 blocks to a jamba juice, whereupon I say “I’m good I can do this” and run/drunkstumble 30 feet to the door. I burst in the door like a viking returning from some fucking battle and holler “WHATS UP FUCKS” to everyone in the store, which was thankfully just the 2 people behind the counter, who looked probably as scared/confused as a jamba juice employee could look.

So anyway, as my dad explained the situation I looked up at the jamba juice menu and was utterly fucking lost in it. Like I swear I was looking at this menu board for a year, deciphering this Rosetta stone of fruits. I distinctly remember that I was looking at each item in a smoothie, thinking of how it tasted, then moving on to the next thing and thinking of how that tasted, and how they would taste together. Since most smoothies had 3 or 4 items, this took some thinking. So my dad sees me in this extreme brain blast state of mind and says “hey are you going to order or what”. Keep in mind I’m on the first fucking smoothie on the list here. So I just say “shush man I’m trying to do fruit science”, and then when I realized that this process could take literal years, I just said “yeah give me a smooth regular” which for the uninitiated, isn’t actually a real thing on any menu. Oh, also I asked them if the “boosted” smoothies would give me super powers and then pointed my fingers at them and made “lightning noises”.

So my dad just orders me the first thing on the menu and I go to sit down and stare out the window or some shit and my thoroughly amused dad just looks at me and says “how ya feelin?”. Now at this time I was feeling a lot of things, but most noticeable to me was the gauze in my mouth, so I just look at him and say “there’s these fuckin… tiny sheep in my head” which at the time was the best way I had to convey this feeling. Anyway about that time, the jamba juice guy brings us our drinks and he gives me a small thing of mario kart stickers and I swear I almost cried from the tsunami of emotion that gift made me feel (I still have them).

Anyway the rest of the story is we drove home and I explained this programming project I was working on to my dad in perfect detail somehow and then I came home and went on facebook and posted a comment on my friends status (because I couldn’t find the status update bar) that read: “i just took a lort of painkillers and yelled at everyone in a jambo juice”

text messages.

[ 📲 • sms ] —— what are you doing?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— are you trying to drunk text me rn?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— hey what are you doing?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— didn’t you get my last text?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— are you ignoring me?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i’m so bored!
[ 📲 • sms ] —— hey you 😉
[ 📲 • sms ] —— blue is definitely your color 😉
[ 📲 • sms ] —— ugh i wish you were here!
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i think you’re going to like what you see 😉
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you’ve been on my mind all day today.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i can’t stop thinking about you.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— are you gonna fall asleep on me?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— NO don’t fall asleep on me again tonight!
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you fell asleep on me last night! you owe me now
[ 📲 • sms ] —— send me a picture 😉
[ 📲 • sms ] —— hey cutie! haven’t talked to you in a while!
[ 📲 • sms ] —— why did you stop texting me?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— hey can i call you now?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— call me rather talk on the phone
[ 📲 • sms ] —— sweet dreams….with me in them 😉 jk
[ 📲 • sms ] —— oooooh, i like the sound of that 😉
[ 📲 • sms ] —— what are you doing tomorrow?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— do you wanna hang out tomorrow?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— what do you wanna do tomorrow? ☺️
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you looked really good today.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— can’t wait to see you xoxo
[ 📲 • sms ] —— talk dirty to me
[ 📲 • sms ] —— maybe i can stay the night with you tomorrow
[ 📲 • sms ] —— dang you take long enough to text back.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you are the slowest texter ever. 😒
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i hate texting you sometimes. you take forever.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you take forever and a day to reply.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i was wondering where you went.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— what happened? where did you go?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— k.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— ok that’s cool.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— what’s wrong with you?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— hey where was you today?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— do you wanna come over?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— why are you texting me? i’m standing right beside you…
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i hate one word texters.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— stop one wording me. 😒
[ 📲 • sms ] —— are you mad at me?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— what do you wanna talk about?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— do you like me?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i love you 😍
[ 📲 • sms ] —— miss you 😘
[ 📲 • sms ] —— stop sending me that wink face.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— are you okay?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i’m gonna take a shower brb
[ 📲 • sms ] —— hold on i gotta do something real quick.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— are you trying to sext me?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— my dog/cat said he/she missed you.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— what’s your dog/cat doing?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— what are you watching?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i see how it is 😜
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you can’t text me but you can be on facebook/twitter/instagram/
[ 📲 • sms ] —— how come you never text me anymore?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i gave you my number so you could text me punk 😛
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you never text me back anymore ☹️
[ 📲 • sms ] —— sorry didn’t mean to bug you
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you only text me when i text you first.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you never text me first!
[ 📲 • sms ] —— wanna go catch a movie tomorrow?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— what do you mean by that status you posted?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— guess what emoji is next to your name in my phone?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— hey stranger. stop being a stranger.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— did you miss me? 😆
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i’m looking through your pictures right now.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i saw that selfie you just posted.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you text me after i upload a bomb selfie i see.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— it’s okay you don’t to lie to me.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— aww, that was so sweet. ☺️ 
[ 📲 • sms ] —— aww, that just made me smile. ️☺️☺️ 
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i s2g i’m punching you so hard the next time i see you.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i s2g you get on my nerves.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— hey there ! remember me ?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— are you going to ignore me again tomorrow?
THE SIGNS WHEN SINGLE ON VALENTINE’S DAY

Aries: They start off the day with loads of “Happy Valentine’s Day, babe” messages from various unimportant people which feels pretty good at first, but as the day goes on they start to feel empty because they don’t have anyone that they truly care about.

Taurus: They don’t really mind the fact that they’re single on Valentine’s day because it’s just another day in the year. UNLESS they just got out of a relationship… if that’s the case then they’ll probably end up wallowing all day and listening to sad songs.

Gemini: There are two types of single gems on Valentine’s Day. Type one won’t even acknowledge that it’s Valentine’s Day and will just go on with their life as usual. While type two is just devastated that they are single and will probably text a few of their exes to try and have some fun later.

Cancer: Probably will lock themselves inside all day to avoid the cute couples and Valentine’s Day decorations. Also, is most likely to cry if they see either of those things. 

Leo: Are these guys ever really single on Valentine’s Day? Secret admirers and/or best friends are always around to give them small gifts, chocolates, or cards… They enjoy every second of Valentine’s Day- single or taken.

Virgo: Chill AF, they don’t waste time with sadness or hoping for a significant other to fall out the sky. They probably have plans to hang out with close friends or family later in the day because Valentine’s Day isn’t about being in love it’s about being around people you LOVE, right?

Libra: “Alright everyone, Happy Valentine’s Day, I may be single this year, but that’s no reason for me to be bitter over everyone else’s happiness. I’ve decided that I don’t need false validation to be happy today, I’m going to wait for my soulmate to appear. I need to love myself before someone else can love me. Good luck to all the couples out there xx” - Libra’s Facebook status. However, after they finish post this they proceed to cry themselves to sleep because of singleness.

Scorpio:  VALENTINE’S DAY WAS INVENTED BY THE GREETING CARD COMPANIES. EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO CELEBRATES VALENTINE’S DAY IS STUPID AND IS BEING FOOLED BY CAPITALISM! … someone please rise from the ashes and date me. - Scorpio’s mind for the full duration of Valentine’s Day

Sagittarius: A part of them is super chill about being single because relationships are too stressful, but hearing everyone else’s romantic plans on Valentine’s Day can depress them a bit. They’ll get over it after a while though and go to the movies with another hopelessly single friend.

Capricorn: They will try their hardest to come across as not caring about the fact that they are single, but on the inside they’re evaluating all the relationships they had over the past year. What went wrong? Why did it go wrong?  Nothing is my fault right? RIGHT…

Aquarius: The Valentine’s Day party-pooper along with Scorpio. However, they’ll go out of their way to let people know how stupid Valentine’s Day is. You see that angry couple walking down the street? Yep, they just got a lecture from our dear friend, Aquarius, about how stupid they are and how meaningless Valentine’s Day is.

Pisces: They’re crying all day, not just because they are single, but also because they have to wait one more day for all the Valentine’s candy to be on sale.

Imagine #4: Best Friend Luke helping you while on your period.

Originally posted by sexycliffconda

Requested: Yes

Request: CAN YOU MAKE SOMETHING WITH BEST FRIEND LUKE HEMMINGS? PLEASE

Word Count: 644

Warnings: Nope


You were moaning and groaning rolling in pain from the sharp stabbing sensation that was coming from your ovaries, it was that time of the month when the bloody river came and visited. This time around it was worse than last months, you had threw up from the pain of it and while on an empty stomach. The only thing that was really keeping you from going insane was your cat that kept purring and rubbing up against me.

“Thank you butter,” You mumbled not wanting to raise your voice all that much, a purr along with a soft bite was returned back to you. Resting your hand on the lower region of your body, massaging the area thinking that would help.

“Do you need a heating pad?” A voice questioned in front of you, jumping from the couch falling on the ground. A moan and another groan slipping past, “Jesus are you alright?”

“I’m going to kill you Luke Hemmings,” You spat out, taking his outstretched hand, he pulled me up from the ground. “I’m going to go and get a heating pad for you,” He told you after laying you back down on the couch, making sure to move around the pillows and blankets for you. “What are you doing here?” You wondered out loud, moving butter off the couch since he would keep walking on my stomach. I heard some shuffling and something fall from the liny closest, followed by a ‘Fuck’ and something being throwing.

“If you must know, I tried texting you and calling you asking how you were since I had a feeling you weren’t feeling so well.”

“You mean the facebook status I made?”

“Yeah, seeing your best friend post, ‘Why couldn’t the guy be the ones with periods? A garden gnome is stabbing me repeatedly for not being pregnant,’ made me slightly concerned.”

Luke walked into the living space, with a heating pad, along with the one blanket that you really wanted to cocoon yourself in but somehow it had gotten to be on the top shelf. He plugged it in near the couch, handing it towards you turning away when you lifted up the shirt tucking it underneath it. Than next handing you the blanket, he choose to take the blanket that you did have, reaching over to take the remote off the coffee table.

“What do you want to watch?”

“You’re staying?” You were shocked half the time, he would just come over here and help you out and then leave. Drawing his attention back towards his best friend, “Cuz I can, and I’m not going to be here for that much longer. There is an album that needs to be put all together,” He gushed poking you on the nose, before turning back towards the TV.

“I knew, I liked you for a reason,” Giggling pulling the blanket tighter around you, Luke smirking at the comment you made. “Yeah, Yeah you know you love me. You can’t go three days without talking to me,” He fired back in a playful way, “Who was the one that cried when I wasn’t spending the night for the third night in a row when we were seven?”

His cheeks heated up at the memory of that, “Shut up.”

“Who texts me literally everyday just to know how I am doing?”

“Secret life of pets, maybe?”

“Admit it, Luke you can’t go three days without talking too ME,” You teased, before holding back another cry of protest, from Luke suddenly laying his head on your chest. “Or maybe we can watching all the X-Men movies all over again?” Moving his head to look up at you, waiting for you to confirm or disagree with it. But you couldn’t say no to your best friend of thirteen year, “Sure I guess, just get some popcorn and tea ready.”

everyone is cool with mentally ill people around them until we start displaying symptoms they cant sympathize with

youre sad all the time? poor darling ):

youre irrationally angry,defensive, and paranoid? you say and believe things that just dont make sense? you seem to be a completely different person from day to day? well now youre just being difficult

EDIT: 

please stop reblogging this post… i made this i think over two years ago now and i was ignorant to a couple important things:

  1. there’s NO objective measurement of how much mental illness affects any given person’s life, nor are people particularly tolerant toward any consistent expression of misery. be kinder than i was when i made this post.
  2. race is the biggest, but not the only, variable in how different people’s emotions are perceived differently by those around them. ableism doesn’t just “intersect with” racism, the institution of psychiatry is built on racism. look into how certain diagnoses such as schizophrenia were adapted to criminalize and institutionalize black people who started voicing malcontent towards white supremacy. black people dont get “poor baby”d.
  3. mental illness is not a get out of jail free card to behave inappropriately, angrily, abusively toward those around you. i made this post after snapping at someone for asking me to calm down and saw that someone who had witnessed it made a snippy facebook status about me. frankly, it was fair of her to do so. i was upset about it and am still embarrassed but i had acted inappropriately and then justified it to myself with “oh, it’s just a symptom of my mental illness.” that might very well be, but i still owed apologies and an apology comes with the promise that you’ll work to improve yourself.

i’m adding this to the source in the hopes that someone will click through and see this. the original post no longer reflects my position and hasn’t for a long time.

please stop reblogging this post… i made this i think over two years ago now and i was ignorant to a couple important things:

  1. there’s NO objective measurement of how much mental illness affects any given person’s life, nor are people particularly tolerant toward any consistent expression of misery. be kinder than i was when i made this post.
  2. race is the biggest, but not the only, variable in how different people’s emotions are perceived differently by those around them. ableism doesn’t just “intersect with” racism, the institution of psychiatry is built on racism. look into how certain diagnoses such as schizophrenia were adapted to criminalize and institutionalize black people who started voicing malcontent towards white supremacy. black people dont get “poor baby”d.
  3. mental illness is not a get out of jail free card to behave inappropriately, angrily, abusively toward those around you. i made this post after snapping at someone for asking me to calm down and saw that someone who had witnessed it made a snippy facebook status about me. frankly, it was fair of her to do so. i was upset about it and am still embarrassed but i had acted inappropriately and then justified it to myself with “oh, it’s just a symptom of my mental illness.” that might very well be, but i still owed apologies and an apology comes with the promise that you’ll work to improve yourself.

anonymous asked:

Hi. I'm trying to make social media-type stuff for my OC, but I don't have photoshop. Do you have sny links to generators, especially IG and group texts - I can find single, but I wanted something with more characters. Thank you! <3 <3 <3

Instagram:

Facebook:

Twitter:

Snapchat:

Texts:

-C

Friday

My old college roommate Erin is a total sweetheart. She’s a very green, flower child-type woodland fairy of the forest kinda gal (does that make sense?) and you can always count on her to make your day so much better.

Of all the social media platforms, I love Twitter (and Tumblr, of course, because y’all are awesome. It’s connected to my Facebook account, which I now only use to post articles to because no one cares about my status updates. I don’t even care about my status updates. Anyway, Erin messaged me the other night and she said to me: Esra! You’re wonderful and funny and you should be a comedian! Why aren’t you a comedian?! Your tweets always make me smile.

While I am by no means ever trying to impress anyone on any platform, it feels great when someone things I’m funny. Growing up, I used to be very closed off and people assumed I was mean, but really — I was just shy. After I went to Emerson, I found my place, my people, and I started opening up more. I embraced the Liz Lemon that was always inside of me and just let loose and had more fun.

Twitter is a great place for me to practice my one-liners because, as you may know, I would love to write and produce my own sitcom someday. Billy Wilder, Tina Fey, Christopher Guest, Margaret Cho have been my idols for as long as I can remember and they inspired me to go down this path of hilariousness. 

I guess I’ve got that special something, huh? Especially if a funny friend of mine is messaging me to tell me, “Hey! You’re funny. Do something with it!” I’m trying. I really am. It’s just hard because, as a writer, I get into the zone, write five great pages, reread them, and think to myself, “This is shit. You’re garbage.” I need to stop doing that…

I saw this on facebook and wanted to post it here!

In honor of Valentine’s Day, all married, engaged or dating couples: Make this your status and answer honestly.❤

Who’s oldest? Him

Who was interested first? I think it was mutual

Married? Yes 💞

Same high school? No

Most sensitive? Me lol 😢

Worst temper? Him, though I admit I have my moments

More social? Depends on the situation 

Hardest working? Both

Most stubborn? Him, though he would disagree lol 😡 

More sarcastic? Depends on the situation 

Who makes the most mess? Probably equal

Wakes up first? Me 

Bigger Family? Him

What are your middle names? I’m Joseph, he’s Thomas

Whose siblings do you see the most? We’re both only children (unless yuo count Diana, who is a big sis to us both equally 😊)

Do you have any children together? Not biologically, but all our kids are ours, not just his or mine

Who cooks the most? Me

Where do you eat out most as a couple? The Italian place near my job (and if you count fast food, McDonald’s lol) but most often if we’re going to get food, it’s either pizza or Chinese delivery

Who has the craziest exes? LMAO I’m not touching that  😂 

Who cries more? Me…shut up lol  

Better singer? Him

Hogs the remote? We fight over it lol

Who hogs the bed? HIM.  Big time.  But I cuddle up to him, so it works out.

Where was your first date?  Will you guys judge me if I admit I asked him over to netflix and chill? 😉

Better driver? We fight over that too lmao

Better cook? Me

Spends the most? Him, but not just on himself 💗

Smarter? He sure thinks he is…  😂 

Most common sense? Probably about equal, but in different areas

Do you get flowers often? Nope… he could work on that, j/s

Who does laundry? Alfred

Who’s better with the computers? Him, I guess… but I’m better with social media 😜

Who drives when you are together? We take turns

Who picks where you go to dinner? Me usually

Who wears the pants in the relationship? Preferably neither! 😉 

Who eats more sweets? Me!

How long have you been together? 7 years, married for (almost) 5! 

I have a friend who just recently got outta prison after being locked up since 2010. And one of the most amusing things about him nowadays is seeing how he treats facebook as a whole. Not in like a disrespectful but it’s really interesting because it’s such a throwback to an era that’s passed us by. My favorite is when he posts statuses that are like “lms if fuck wit me” and then he likes his own status. That’s a real ass motherfucker right there. He fucks with himself so heavily. 

My mother’s technology habits are some weird combination of old school programmer and hapless baby boomer. She has a graduate degree in computer science and worked as a programmer until my younger brother was born in the late 90s, but she hasn’t really coded since then. An example of what I’m talking about is that when she wants to post a Facebook status, she writes it up on emacs before she pastes it into the box on Facebook where you type your status. Her main hobby is climbing 13,000 foot mountains and taking a lot of pictures and posting trip reports on this social networking site for mountain climbers–but she uses the (Windows) command line to keep her pictures and trip reports organized by date. I asked her how she accesses the Windows command line and she said “well, I go to the little search bar on the bottom left corner, and I type ‘cmd,’ and then it makes the command line show up.” The way she described it reminded me of old people who open Internet Explorer and search for “google” on Bing.

And then there was this conversation I had with my dad (also a computer science person) a few years ago:

Dad: What does ‘burb’ mean?
Me: …..I have no idea??? I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say that.
Dad: Oh, well I see people saying it on the Internet so I thought you might know.
Me: wait…….how do you spell that?
Dad: B-R-B

The Soccer Mom Network

This is a roleplay network where members make a Facebook account for a fake soccer mom character.

How to Join
* Follow me @horseinacar
* Follow @soccermomnetwork
*Reblog this post *Make a Facebook account and follow every one else
* Friend Susan Jennings (my character) * Send me a message on tumblr with the name of your character, descriptions of them and their children, and their relationship status

Rules
* You can only have one character (so they’re as active as possible)
* Don’t start drama. But stuff between characters is fine!
* Ask the person playing a character you want to interact with what is OK.

Do I have to be a good writer?
Nahhhhhhhhh

Does my character have to be a soccer mom?
They have to have kids but the kids can play any sports or enjoy anything. You can also create a soccer dad

If you have any other questions ask me!

Long Time Friends I Unfriended on Facebook and the Stupid Reasons Why

i. i unfriended three of my friends from my circle who kept posting their photos together, like come on. you could’ve asked me to hang out with you, you know? i guess they were just too chicken to unfriend me so i saved them the trouble

ii. they were friends with people i hate

iii. my ex’s ex slash friend gave me a “haha” reaction on my relationship status

iv. a friend kept reacting “haha” to serious topics such as suicide or depression

v. a friend who kept bugging people with his political views. (dude, we get it; you’re pro-marcos, big deal!)

vi. a friend who’s only my friend when he’s single and stressed out. (i think you’re mistaking me for an alcohol.)

vii. a friend who kept asking me out, and kept on cancelling the day before. (i packed up, you fvckng fvck!)

(note: if you think i’m an ass and i’m even more toxic, i won’t contradict you. you’re probably right anyway. in fact, i’d unfriend me if i could.)

twitter.com
Tales from the Borderlands Cover

All in one day, I have had Telltale, Gearbox, and Borderlands all retweet my piano cover of the tftbl main theme, been told by JEJ, the writer of said theme from Bay Area Sound, that they love me, have had said video posted on Telltale’s Facebook page to promote the Playstation Plus sale, and “have brought tears to the eyes” of a Telltale employee.

What the FUCK DUDE WHAT IS THIS I’M SO???