i only meant to make one diary entry but it got out of control

anonymous asked:

I wish you'd write a fic where Dean finds Castiel's diary from the time he was human (and it's heart wrenching) ❤️

Anon, you just love angst don’t you. (this is set in an ambiguous time around s9-ish)


It’s not something Dean means to find. 

He knows that, because it’s shoved underneath the passenger seat of Cas’s old car with various bottles of water and crumpled up trash sprawled over it. 

Dean just wanted to clean out Cas’s Continental; a way to get Cas feeling a bit better about the world, about the fact that he is walking around with stolen grace and after having been through a shitty bender of being human. Dean thinks that he can help from ridding Cas of a little clutter. 

So, even though he doesn’t mean to find it, he bumps against it as he is sticking his hand under the seat, fishing for garbage to dispose of. 

It’s a journal; with worn leather and a string wrapped around it to keep it closed. Dean picks it up, and opens to the first page. 

He abandoned me, says the first line. In Cas’s rough cursive handwriting.

Yeah, Dean was definitely not meant to find this. 

He shoves it into his jacket pocket, dutifully finishing his task of cleaning the truck. Resolutely ignoring the fact that something very important and very personal is sitting heavy against his chest.

Dean ignores reading it as long as he can; tries to convince himself that he’ll just leave it where he found it, or give it to Cas and advise him to find a better place to hide his personal belongings. 

Cas is such a private person–well, a private angel. Half the time Dean isn’t fully convinced that Cas is telling the whole story of what is going through his head. If he could just have a little insight. A little clarity into what Cas really was experiencing; why he seemed convinced to be Atlas and always have the world on his shoulders.

In his bedroom, after staring at the worn leather for a good half an hour, Dean cracks open the worn pages. 

He abandoned me. 

Dean takes a steady breath and reads on.

It all seemed like it would be okay. Of course, me turning human isn’t ideal - but I thought I could at least do research, maybe get trained in hunting if only a little. I thought I could still be service to the fight. Be of service to Dean. 

But he abandoned me.  

Dean presses his face into his palms. He should not be reading this. He should not. If this is about him, he has no right. 

After an inner crisis that lasts for five more minutes, Dean reads on.

For the longest time, I have served God. It was my purpose. Somehow, Dean became my purpose, but I don’t mind it. I’m always happy to serve Dean, and Sam. But now that I’m on my own, without anyone to serve but myself, I am at such a loss. I help Nora with various tasks around the gas station; but it’s not the same. I don’t feel like I’m serving a purpose that matters. God mattered, once. Dean still certainly matters. And yet I can’t serve either. 

Dean skims ahead, turning a few pages into the journal. He reads an entry that is dated the day after Dean came to visit Cas.

Sometimes we can’t help the things that happen to us. Sometimes horrible things happen, beyond our control. I know why Dean kicked me out of the bunker; it was a way to save Sam. I don’t know why, but it was. I know that Dean acted callous and abrupt because he is afraid of showing vulnerable emotion; and I know that it’s difficult for him to let people down. 

Despite the situations Dean and I find ourselves in, where one of us is forced to hurt the other or make it difficult for each other in some way, my feelings never change.

He abandoned me. I was rejected by God, by all of Heaven, and then him. But unlike God, and unlike the angels I used to serve, I still love him.

Father help me, why do I still love him.

Dean drops the journal like it’s a hot poker. He stumbles to his feet and paces his room, running his fingers through his hair. This was the worst invasion of someone’s privacy - of Cas’s privacy - and he did it without more than a few minute’s hesitation. 

Now he can’t erase the words searing his brain: I still love him.

Dean huffs a humorless laugh and sits at the edge of the bed, head in his hands. But Cas wrote this years ago - it can’t still be true. After all the shit Dean has dealt to him, after all the things Cas has gone through, he must realize now how untrue that love is. How undeserving Dean is of that love in the first place.

Snatching the journal from the bed, Dean stomps into the bunker’s library. Cas is hunched over a thick book, hands tangled in his messy dark hair, his trench coat crumpled. He raises surprised blue eyes in Dean’s direction. There are dark circles under them, like bruises. 

“Dean,” he says with surprise. 

How could Dean not see it? How stupid could he be? “Cas,” Dean says, his voice not much more than a croak.

Cas frowns, eyes flickering to Dean’s hands. His face pales. “Oh.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Dean asks hoarsely.

“You -” Cas’s voice catches. He straightens his back and shuts the book in front of him calmly. “You abandoned me. I got the message.”

“Fuck.” Dean stumbles toward Cas’s chair, crouching before Cas. “I didn’t know.”

“I didn’t want you to know,” Cas says, eyes steadily looking forward, away from Dean.

“I needed to know - “

“No!” Cas glares into Dean’s eyes, expression stormy. “You never needed to be burdened with that. With me.”

“Cas, you idiot.” Dean clutches at Cas’s coat, like it’s a lifeline. “If you told me - if you had so much as indicated - “ He takes a shaky breath. “I love you too. Despite our shitty circumstances, despite the fucked-up situations we find ourselves in that make us hurt each other - I love you too.”

Cas slowly blinks at Dean, processing his words. He frames Dean’s face with his hands, and leans forward to press his forehead against Dean’s. “You abandoned me,” he whispers. 

“I never will again,” is all Dean can manage breathlessly as he catches Castiel’s lips with his own to melt into an endless, lovely kiss. 

send me a “I wish you’d right a fic where…”

anonymous asked:

Hello. This is the anon that asked if Albert was manipulative towards Victoria. I meant to thank you for your response as soon as I saw it, but I got caught up in life. I don't know if I'm once again seeing people only react to the show's history or actual history, but I just read with my own two eyes that Victoria "stopped" being the queen only because Albert "turned" her into "money-giver" and "baby-automat." Are people just determined to make Albert look like the bad guy no matter what?

I mean, I get that Victoria and Albert had a power struggle, literally, when it came to their relationship, but Victoria never stopped being the queen. Didn’t she give him the key to her dispatch or “red” box as a Christmas present after Vicky was born? And wasn’t Victoria well aware that if she didn’t want any more children, all she had to do was stop having sex with Albert? People make it sound like she was being forced against her will to become pregnant or give Albert any money and power.

I’m glad you liked my first response, and I’m glad you’re back with more because honestly, the ITV Victoria “fandom” is kinda ridiculous and I don’t like to wade thru it when people try and act like they’re interested in history when half the time they’re interested in furthering a fictionalized agenda.  I can tell you that when it comes to the ~history fandom~ on here, the biggest work of fiction in relation to V&A prior to Victoria was The Young Victoria, and everyone was obsessed with V&A together and nobody really questioned it… until there was a ship to be put up against it.  Lol, I guess poor Paul Bettany didn’t get people’s hearts going like Sewell, even tho the latter really isn’t my thing either.

The thing that people have a problem with, fundamentally, is Victoria being a woman of her time–I would say this more than Albert being a man of his time.  If Victoria had wanted to say no to sex with Albert, she could have; in fact, all evidence points to the fact that she was far more sexual than he, especially after they grew into the marriage.  If she’d put her foot down after, say, baby number four, she would have had two sons and two daughters and not only would Albert not have objected, but her people couldn’t really say much about it either.  But she didn’t, because Victoria loved sex and she loved Albert and she loved having sex with Albert.  I’m not saying that Albert didn’t love sex/Victoria–no doubt he loved Victoria, but his thoughts on sex are a bit murkier.  Sidenote: he did comment on her cleavage in his notes right after they were married and clearly found her physically attractive, but his feelings on sex in general were often prudish and maybe even complicated by the disaster that was his parents’ marriage, imo.  Some have even speculated that Albert was asexual, though not aromantic, and had sex with Victoria to make her happy–I don’t think so based off of what I read, but he certainly was not keeping Victoria pregnant in order to keep her under his thumb.  In fact, as soon as Victoria had so many babies that it became physically hazardous for her to keep getting pregnant, she stopped getting pregnant–and as Victoria’s response to being told that babies = death was “but what about my fun in bed” (allegedly) I have a feeling that Albert, who was already apparently at his wit’s end with worry over her and baby Beatrice prior to the birth, put his foot down.  Albert wasn’t unaware of the dangers of pregnancy for a woman back then, so I find it especially bizarre that people are insinuating that he purposefully kept Victoria pregnant in order to exert his power over her.  Certainly, a byproduct of Victoria’s pregnancies were that Albert took the reins more often, but he also was notably pretty involved with the births for a man of the day, and seemed to be worried about her physical and mental health during the pregnancies (again, for a man of his day–he wasn’t fretting over postpartum depression, but he did make note of Victoria not being super happy about being pregnant, about how he wished she’d be able to enjoy motherhood more–it’s not like he wanted this chick miserable in bed waiting for a baby to come).  She would have likely been expected to have at least three children no matter what–ideally four, I think.  No matter who she married, she would have needed at least two healthy sons for people to feel comfortable, and a daughter would also be ideal for marital alliances.  Her love of sex with Albert and a lack of good contraception back in the day (as well as I’m sure a lack of belief in the propriety of contraception on his part, and hers as well most likely) equaled more babies.

As for Albert’s control over finances, I’m not 100% sure on that anecdote, but honestly, like you said, Victoria could have taken away much of what she gave.  Maybe not easily all the time, but she remained the queen, Albert a prince consort.  She gave him power, she gave him money, because she wanted him to be happy, she loved him, and at the end of the day, she was (as I keep saying) a woman of her time who lacked a strong male figure for much of her life and clearly sought one.  She wanted him to be big and strong–I mean, not to speculate, but it sounds like it kind of turned her on when he took control.  With any other historical figure I’d say that’s going too far to ponder, but we have Victoria’s diary entries, and while they are edited, she clearly thought a lot of this guy.  Now, you don’t have to think the world of him–but let’s say you have a friend.  She’s a vibrant girl and she’s dating a guy who’s a nerd, who’s quiet, you don’t get the appeal, he seems uptight.  But if she ADORES him, if she sees something through him, if she starts doing more of the things he likes to do to please him–would you say that he was forcing his will on her?  No.  You’d say that you don’t get her taste, you don’t see why she’s doing it, but it’s HER choice.  I really don’t see Victoria’s choice to give Albert more power as a bad thing, at least not in the short term–he was by no means a perfect would-be monarch, and of course he was alive when the monarchy was transferring from being a ruling power to a reigning power.  But he did care about the less fortunate in a way that Victoria and many English nobles (Lord Melbourne included) didn’t.  He did see a responsibility in the royals to set a good example, and for that matter to “give back” even if that meant simply raising awareness for important causes like the abolition of slavery.  He was very well-educated, and while Victoria absolutely inflated his intelligence in her mind as a young, naive, lovestruck girl, he was impressive in many ways.  She saw things that she liked, and frankly–Victoria wanted to be the queen, but she was never all that into the serious job of it.  She seemed more about socializing that social reform, you know?  And that’s okay.  Albert could handle that, and Victoria could handle the more public side of things.

The thing about Albert is that he’s fallen prey to an unfortunate part of historical research in this day and age…  Wherein people (largely people who write pop history, or crossover history) have written and written about “controversial” people to the point that it becomes overdone (Elizabeth I, Anne Boleyn, Marie Antoinette, Cleopatra) so they look at things that are VERY obvious and make a complicated issue out of it.  Henry VIII was probably a dick with some natural mental illness(es), but we wanna make something new and exciting–so we start going, oh, can this all be traced back to his mom dying when he was young and his father favoring Arthur?  Oh, is this all due to a traumatic brain injury that probably didn’t happen?  Prince Albert was probably a man of his time–he wanted to be the head of the household and got insecure about that, but overall he had a happy marriage and loved his family.  But we want it to be MORE, so we look at this marriage through the lenses of 21st century standards, and we find flaws that only exist to a certain extent.  Albert and Victoria did not have a perfect marriage, and they clashed over dominance at times.  But ultimately, Victoria certainly wanted Albert to be the head of their personal family, and that gradually led to him becoming more powerful.

Also, people tend to take a lot of the less flattering perspectives on Albert from Englishpeople of the time who were xenophobic towards Germans sooooooo not super reliable imo.  People said he was money-grubbing because compared to Victoria he didn’t have a lot of personal funds; but to be frank, differing factions would have been critical of anyone she married.  She was a sovereign queen, people assumed that her husband would have control on some level–and on some level, he eventually did.  

At the end of the day, people are essentially angry that Victoria doesn’t live up to their feminist expectations of what a sovereign queen should be, when she… lived… in… the…. nineteenth… century……..

And for God’s sake people are dramatic, she never stopped being queen, she just handled fewer administrative duties and took on a more ceremonial role.  Which was inevitable, to be quite honest, due in part to her sex and in part to the fact that the monarchy was, as previously mentioned, becoming less of a real ruling entity.  Much of what Albert did was contained to running the literal household and handling marital alliances, nothing compared to what, say, Elizabeth I did.

In Which I Attempt to Analyze Journal 3 But End Up Gushing About Ford Instead

It’s late, and earlier tonight (or this morning), when it was slightly less late (or early), I decided that even though I’m super late to the Journal 3 train, I needed to get my thoughts down on paper. Those thoughts are apparently gooey and disorganized, because the real analysis stops after the first paragraph, I started to ramble about halfway through, and I’m not sure most of it makes sense. (Mostly because it’s late. Or early. Or whatever.)

 Anyhow…. 

Journal 3 is the best kind of supplementary material.

Keep reading

From the Missing Pages, Chapter 12

Robin and Regina spend an afternoon together at the castle; and Regina finally tells a secret she’s been hanging onto.

This chapter could technically be the end–however, will be two more installments. The last chapter is somewhat of an epilogue; and then, there will be an alternative ending. You can find previous chapters HERE.

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Surprise! UPDATE

I realize that I told everyone that I was going to post the final chapter of “Caught Beneath a Landslide” on Monday, but I’ve had some free time and just could not stay away from it!  

So here it is, everyone. The final chapter of my first MMFD fanfic.  I’ve enjoyed reading your comments on the first two chapters, and have learned a lot about myself as a writer throughout this process, so thank you.  Please enjoy :)

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