i obviously fell in love with david when i watched this

I feel like a piece of me died last night.

Of course, Ziva David was a fictional character, but I grew up admiring her and loving her unconditionally and I can’t believe that she is gone for good this time.

I was 11 when I first started watching NCIS, now I’m 21. I immediately fell in love with Ziva and Tony. There was this beautiful, strong, smart, funny woman who could stand up for herself, who was tough, yet also vulnerable. Always teasing and being teased by that other agent. The two of them were so obviously in love, even when they didn’t want to admit it back then. At school, I wanted to play NCIS with my friends. They could be Kate or Abby, but I was always Ziva, there wasn’t a question.

At the age of 14-15, I wanted to dress like Ziva. I loved her early outfits, the khaki, the black, all of that. But also as her character evolved and she wore just simple yet gorgoeous jumpers and shirts, I wanted to look like her. I even tried to wear my hair like her. She was the first character who made me happy to have natural brown hair, cause that way I looked a bit like my idol. I also wanted to have a character like hers. I wanted to be strong, smart, hardworking, I even wanted to be able to fight. No character has since inspired me as much as Ziva has.

My obsession with Tiva never really stopped, the wall above my bed is still full of pictures of them. Of course, season 7 was very special, I even watched Jet Lag in English which I almost never did back then, but I just needed to see my loves immediately, I couldn’t wait until it aired in Germany. Tony and Ziva were growing closer by the season, getting past every obstacle that was in their way… and then the news of Cote leaving broke. I was devestated, I was crying for days, swearing that I would never accept her replacement and that I would stop watching NCIS. I accepted Ellie quickly, because I realized that there was nothing we could do to get Cote back, but I never really watched anything past season 11 because I just did not care anymore.

Ziva’s farewell was terrible, I even watched it live in the middle of the night cause I needed to say goodbye to the woman that helped me grow up. I cried so much during those two episodes, especially since Cote was barely present in them. And then she was just gone. And now 3 years later, I’ve lost her again. I cried the full hour of the episode and then some, because I just could not believe that the writers would do this. It just wasn’t necessary, Ziva could easily have survived without Cote having to guest star. But CBS went the other way and just ruined a beautiful character by writing her completely different than she used to be. As if Ziva wouldn’t have told Tony about her pregnancy. They loved each other so much, I’m absolutely sure that they both would’ve given up their normal lives to be together as a family.

The worst thing for me was how the others reacted. It looked as if Ziva had been dead for years now because none of them seemed to really mourn their sister, their daughter, their friend. Of the three leading ladies that have died over the seasons, Ziva got the least important farewell, because her death was used to advance Tony’s storyline and nothing else. They mourned Kate for so long, even after only two seasons with her, and Jenny’s death had the biggest impact on the team. Both of their deaths deserved to be important, of course, I loved them too, but I just wished Ziva would have gotten that too. And the writers probably think that they gave us all we ever wanted: Tiva is canon and they even had a daughter. But they made everything worse by giving Ziva a seemingly unimportant death off screen. She died in her sleep. She couldn’t even fight for her life.

I will never forgive the writers for this episode and I’m never watching another episode of this show again, except maybe if one day Sean or Brian or anyone from the old team leave the show.

And with that I say goodbye to one of the most important characters in my life, Ziva David. And I say thank you to Cote de Pablo for bringing this amazing character to life. You and Ziva deserved so much better.

You are so loved.