i never want to make a flashing gif again

Fear

Word count: 4,941

*gif by me

Part 24

Your eyes started adjusting to a bright light in the room, all the colours intensifying as seconds passed. To your right was a person who had just given you a new chance in life, a person who has been your whole life and seeing him like that next to you, has made you feel a lot better even though a loud bumping invaded your head. You propped yourself up on sat on the bed, looking aeound and trying to rewind what had happened only a few minutes ago. A light touch was prssed on your back, slowly circling around, a pair of two worried eyes locked on you and your movements.

‘What happened?’ You somehow managed to mutter out, the entire room along with Kai, spinning a little bit, bur not for long. Everything became clear again. The only thing that was different and what have felt different was you.

'You passed out. You scared me, if I’m being honest. A lot.’ Kai chuckled and tried to hide how embarrassed he was, as if you were going to judge him for being just a little bit scared. 'How do you feel?’ A gentle and soothing voice escaped Kai’s body, slowly invading your ears, feeling like music to your sensitive body.

'Weak and good at the same time.’ You chuckled and ran your fingers through your hair, your throat feeling dry as never before. 'Weird. I don’t feel different. Maybe just a little bit.’

'The cure should have worked by now.’ Kai assured you, his hand still on your back as id he was encouraging you, but his touch felt very calming and it was stopping your heart from picking up its pace.

'There’s only one way to find out.’ Your fingers hesitantly started tucking at your sleeves, slowly folding it to reveal your wrist, your veins becoming visible to Kai’s eyes. It didn’t take him long to comprehend what you had planned, his eyes growing wide for a split second, not liking the idea as much as you did.

'No! I can’t do that.’ Kai trembled and sat on the edge od the bed, his feet placed firmly on the ground, his back the only part of his body visible to your eyes.

'Please, Kai. I’m not scared of you hurting me. I know you can do it.’ Almost a cry escaped your body, your lips trembled when you stopped talking as your heart suddenly started beating faster, making Kai’s eyes to meet yours again, his lips slightly ajar.

'I think, your heart over here’ he placed his hand on your chest, feeling every beat of your heart underneath his palm. 'Is trying to tell me something else. You’re terrified.’

'I’m not!’ You answered it faster and louder than you wanted, getting a little bit taken aback by your sudden interest of wanting Kai to drink your blood.

'I don’t want to hurt you in any way. Drinking your blood would break the promise I made with myself.’

'What kind of promise?’

'To never hurt you again.’ He trailed off and all of a sudden as if someone has thrown a lump into your throat, stopping you from swallowing normally and as if someone has taken all of the air from your lungs. A sudden need to let your tears out roamed through your body, your tears fighting to escaped your eyes but right at the last moment, you blinked them away and took the deepest breath and closed your eyes for a few seconds, processing Kai’s words. 'That is my promise.’

'Do it for me. I want you to. Please.’ You reached out your hand, Kai’s eyes locked on your wrist as he carefully watched how your blood collided through your veins in such a perfect rhythm. He placed his fingers on your wrist and gently traced them over your veins, his touch so gentle that you had barely felt it, as if he was scared of breaking you if he pressed his fingers a bit firmer on your skin. He leaned down and planted a soft kiss on your wrist making your heart beat a little bit faster. You ran your fingers through his hair, feeling how soft it is under your touch, just as you memorized it and right at that moment, you felt Kai’s fangs slowly piercing your skin. Slight pain has traveled through your body, your eyes closing at the discomfort of his fangs shoved into your wrist, but a sudden euphoria in your whole body made you remember what it was like when you drank each others blood for the first time. It was a new experience for both of you, something that has brought you closer to one another like never before.

He slowly withdrew himself from your wrist, but when he looked up, narrow purple veins still adorned his beautiful face. You slowly placed your fingers on them and traced them, feeling them under your finger tips as Kai’s eyes closed to the feeling of your soft touch. Purple veins slowly disappeared from under his eyes, his face expression looking normal again, but somehow a hint of regret and pain was hidden in his face. He looked down at your wrist, watching how two small holes illuminated on your wrist, a small amount of blood finding it’s way to the surface.

'It’s not healing.’ You murmured while watching your small wounds not closing up as they used to.

'You’re human. I can’t heal you now.’

'I know. I don’t want you to. It shows that I’m a human again and if I’m being honest, I need this right now. I need to have these small wounds on my wrist as a sign that I’m human.’ His fingers traced over small holes, smudging the blood a little bit over your wrist. You winced slightly at a sudden burn feeling on your wrist, but a small found its way to your face. A single tear streamed down your face and dropped down on the bed sheets, creating a small wet spot. After a few minutes, it has finally hit you that you’re a completely different person out of the blue, that none of this was planned, your life about to change drastically, as you muttered out seriously. 'I’m human.’

'Yes, you are. My favourite human. Human that I will now protect with all my life.’ He pulled you into his arms, wrapping them tightly around your body, but still being careful not to wrap them too tightly, acting as if you were made out of glass.

'So, nothing is going to change. You’ve always taken care of me and protected me.’ His eyes met yours, his fingers gently brushing your cheek, feeling your warmth radiating out of your body and onto his finger tips. He chuckled, a sudden flush of happiness invading his body as he couldn’t take his eyes off you. His eyes were focused on your gentle face, watching how your lips curved more and more as your smile grew bigger or how your nose scrunched up when you smiled wider. It was those small things that he has always loved about you and that reminded him of how much he actually loves you.

'What?’ you chuckled and traced your palm over his jaw, his scruff tickling your palm.

'Nothing. I just- love watching you smile. I can easily say that it’s my aesthetic.’

'Oh really?’ You asked, amused by his words, but still felt about shy about it even though he has mentioned it to you before, a million times and you could easily say that his smile was your aesthetic. It has always made you happy just by seeing him smile and how adorable he looked everytime he brushed his arm with his hand whenever he laughed.

'Yes, really!’ He uttered and pulled you on his lap, your legs on each side of his body, his hands resting your waist as his fingers brushed your exposed skin, his touch making shivers roll down your spine. You leaned down and kissed him shortly, your thumb brushing over his bottom lip when you pulled away, a small smile flashing across your face.

'I have something for you.’ You jumped off the bed and cascaded to the mahagony table placed across the room and opened a drawer as you pulled something out of it, holding it against your chest. 'I wanted to give you this before, but, then I went all crazy and never actually had a chance to give it to you.’ You slowly walked over to him again and sat on the edge of the bed, handing him a single picture. He took it from your hands and suddenly got lost in his own mind as he couldn’t take his eyes off that picture. You and him adorned that picture, your lips pressed against his cheek, a big smile plastered on his face. It was summer and it was one of the happiest times you and Kai had. No worries, no problems, just you and him being happy with each other. Kai squinted his eyes a bit as he noticed a small detail on your lap.

'Is that a-’

'A teddy bear you have won for me that day. I was so bad at throwing rings but wanted to win that bear because it was cute, so you did it for me. I felt so happy that day, because I had everything I have ever wanted in my life. I felt as if I had everything, as if the whole world was mine.’ You dozed off and kept staring at one spot on the floor, suddenly Kai’s hand on your shoulder making you snap out of your thoughts and look at him.

'You still have everything. You have your old life back and bonus, you have me to take a good amount of your time by doing silly things.’ You chuckled and looked down at your fingers, thinking of how easier everything was before.

'I’m just so happy that you are here with me. That’s all I need.’

'I know.’ He smiled at you gently and effortlessly pulled you on the bed, your whole body laying on top of his as you placed both of your arms on his chest, your chin resting on top of them. 'I adore you so much. So much it hurts.’ His voice cracked at the end, making your smile slightly disappear from your face, replaced with a sudden dash of sadness. Your eyes illuminated with tears, but you somehow managed to blink them away. 'Don’t cry. Just smile, that’s the only thing I want. To see you smiling.’

'I love you a lot Kai. So much.’ You muttered into his chest, your fingers gripping on his shirt as you inhaled, his scent invading your nostrils.

'I love you too, doll.’

~

I woke up in the middle of the night, only moonlight shining through the window, blinding me for just a little bit. I rolled on the bed, turning my body to the other side and looked for her but she wasn’t there. I instantly looked over to the bathroom door, hoping to find a hint of light coming from underneath the doors, but the only thing I could see was pure darkness. I roughly pulled my body out of the bed, my feet pressed firmly on the cold wooden floor. I rubbed my eyes and walked out of the room, following the hallway all the way downstairs and into the living room that was lit up with fire burning nicely in the fire place. I yawned and suddenly jumped when i saw Stefan sitting next to the fire place.

'What are you doing up so late?’ I asked him, my voice raspy.

'I couldn’t sleep. Also, there’s a note for you right there on the table.’ He pointed his finger towards the table before dropping it down on his thigh again, fire illuminating in Stefan’s eyes. I walked over to the table and picked up a note, recognizing that handwriting immediately. I smiled and unfolded it as I started reading.

      'I’ll be right back. Went out to meet with Bonnie.
       Miss you already. xx’

'Did you see when she wrote that note?’ I asked as i turned to Stefan, waiting for his answer.

'A few hours ago. Maybe four, I’m not really sure, I-’

A loud knocking interrupted Stefan’s words, sudden loud bang of front doors hitting the wall echoing through the house. Bonnie stormed in and walked as fast as he could towards me, completely out of breath.

'Is she here?’ She blurted out and looked around, but quickly gave up and locked her eyes with mind.

'No, I thought that she’s with you.’

'She was, but she said she was leaving to get back home to you. That was two hours ago. I’ve been trying to call her but I keep getting her voice mail and you know ho she always answers her phone.’ Her words made me swallow hard and made my heart beat faster as thoughts of something bad happening to her invaded my mind, the thought of her getting hurt making my heart ache.

'She’s fine. She has to be fine. She’ll come running through those doors any minute, you’ll see.’ I uttered, only trying to assure myself that she’s fine. I had to because my thoughts were about to eat me alive.

'We can always go look f-’ at that moment, Bonnie’s phone rang. I have noticed how her fingers trembled when she pulled her phone out of her pocket. She answered the phone and only a minute later, sadness, worry, pain, maybe even regret took over her body, her phone dropping down on the floor.

'What is it? Bonnie? Tell me.’

'She-’

'What’s wrong?’ I grabbed her shoulders and yelled at her, her body jumping at a sudden sharp and loud change in my voice.

'She’s in a hospital. They are operating her right as we speak. She- she had an accident and she- she’s-’ I let her go, my eyes growing wide in a second as I let my arms fall next to my body, tears blurring my vision. I had no control over anything at that moment. I felt as if someone had stabbed my chest with a knife and twisted it a few times, getting deeper and deeper with every twist, getting closer to my heart. I had no air to fill my lungs with, I had no strenght to keep standing properly, no voice to cry out. I was in a complete shock and every word that came out of Bonnie’s mouth, sounded more like a muffle.

'I need to see her. Now.’

'Kai, you don’t know if you’ll be able to go to her-’ she grabbed my hand but I quickly yanked it away, anger finding it’s way into my body.

'I need to see her! You still don’t get it, do you? She’s my everything. The only thing that keeps me going through the day and the only person that it’s worth living for. I can’t- i can’t lose her, Bonnie. I will literally go fucking crazy if I lose her. I need her. I need my girl.

'I know you do, but what do you plan on doing when you get to the hospital? Scream her name? Look through every possible room in there to find her?’

'If that’s what’s going to take to see her, then yes. That’s exactly what I’m going to do.’ I snapped and ran upstairs to get dressed and not even a minute later, I was already at the front door, ready to leave when I felt someone’s hand on my shoulder. I turned my head and saw Caroline giving me a sympathetic look, a brief smile appearing on her face.

'We’ll go with you.’ I looked around and saw Damon, Bonnie, Stefan and even Elena, all ready to go with me to the hospital. I felt a little bit relieved that I had some support and someone who could calm me down if needed, but panic was still there in my body. Panic that I’ll never see her again and it was eating me alive.

'Thank you.’ I muttered quietly and looked down at my fingers before placing my hands into the pockets of my jacket, sudden coldness running through my body even though there was no sign of the wind or any obvious cold. The thought of her being wounded and alone right now made me shiver with pain and fear.

~

There was no one in the waiting room except us. Only a few nurses walking by me and making me even more nervouse. Hours have passed and still there was no news on how she is or if she made it. I hated the thought of someone walking through the doors and telling me that she didn’t make it. My world would crash down in a split second, everything around me would somehow lost all the meaning, but I quickly shook that thought off my mind and burried my head in my hands, trying to calm down my heartbeat and my breathing.

'How are you feeling?’ I jumped at the sudden gentle voice, making me snap out of my thoughts.

'I’m fi- I’m not fine. I can’t stop shaking, my heart is beating so fast that I feel like it will jump out of my chest. I feel like someone is torturing me and as if there is a giant rock on my chest, stopping me from breathing.’ I tried to take a deep breath, but I couldn’t.

'You should get some fresh air and-’

'No. I’m- I’m staying here just in case someone comes to let us know about her. I’m staying here.’ I muttered decisively and broke eye contact with Bonnie, getting lost in my thoughts again. 

 'If you need anything, we’re here. Ok?’ I simply nodded and placed my head in my hands agains, running my fingers roughly through my hair. I was getting tired, my eyes were closing every time pure silence echoed through the waiting room. I could barely keep my body straigh up, but I refused to give up. I wasn’t planning on going anywhere before seeing her and making sure she’s ok. 

 'Bonnie Bennett?’ A male voice echoed through the room, making me jump up to my feet. 

 'Yes?’

 'You’re her sister?’ He asked, but kept staring at some papers that were laying in his hands, the sound of papers rustling against one another driving me completely crazy. 'She’s stable for now. She had a skull fracture on the front of her head, I assume because of the way she fell. Her left leg broke in two places, one of her lungs was punctured because of her broken ribs, but we managed to get it all fixed. We’ll monitor her every hour to make sure that everything is fine, but for now, there’s no need to worry.' 

 All of the words started circling around in my mind, processing everything she has been through, suddenly everything around me going quiet, numb and plain as I couldn’t breathe anymore. I placed my hand on the wall for support, trying to catch a breath, fighting to breath normally, but it only caused my tears to flow to the surface. 

 'I need to see her.’ I muttered and started walking rapidly but the doctor stopped me, his hand firmly on my chest. 'Please, I need to see my girlfriend. I need-’

 'Now not. She needs her rest, give her some time and then you can go and see her.’

 'Take me to her room!’ I yelled, his body going still as I compelled him, not even a second later his body turning around and walking forward, my legs taking me as fast as possible, following him. He slowly opened the doors and let me in, closing the doors behind me. I swallowed hard and slowly walked towards her, her weak body slowly visible to my sight. I placed my hand on my mouth and started crying, trying to muffle my cries but seeing her like that has only made me weaker, my legs and my whole body feeling as if it would give up on me any second. She looked so pale, her beautiful skin looking pale and lifeless, her body as still as never before. I was scared to get closer because I knew that I couldn’t take it anymore, I knew I would break down completely if I saw her like that up close. I crouched down and burried my head in my hands, letting all the tears out, my mind torturing me. I was blaming myself for that. If I hadn’t given her the cure, she would have been fine, I could have seen her beautiful eyes and their sparkle in my mind, but right then, the only thing I could saw were her closed eyes and her body so still. 

 'I can heal you. Yes.’ I whispered and got up, wiping my tears away with the back of my hand. I slowly got closer, my hand slightly brushing against hers, making shivers roll down my spine because of how cold she was. I blinked my tears away and took a deep breath as I sank my fangs into my own wrist, causing blood to reach the surface.

 'It won’t work.’ I quickly glanced towards the doors and saw Damon with his arms crossed, his eyes a bit puffy.

 'It has to.’ I kept reassuring myself, but deep down I knew that he was right.’

 'You know it won’t. She has a cure colliding through her veins. As long as that’s inside her body, she can’t be healed or turned into a vampire. It’s on her now, she’s deciding if she’ll wake up or let herself go.’ I looked at her and closed my eyes for a few seconds, tears slowly rolling down my cheeks and dropping down on the bed.

 'Why is she so cold? She is supposed to be warm, with her cheeks flushed and with- with a smile on her face.’ I stuttered and knelt beside the bed, my hand holding tightly onto hers, her cold fingertips sending shivers down my spine.

 'I know and soon she will be. She will make it, I know it.' 

 'It hurts so much.’ I whispered and placed my head on the bed, my body shaking from all the pain and my crying. I couldn’t stop, I thought that I would burst into million pieces, as if my body was about to explode.

 'I know.’

 'Do you think she will come back to me?' 

 'She will. She loves you more than you can ever imagine and I know it’s you who’s keeping her so strong, who helped her to get through all of these hard times.’

 'I need to get out of here.’ I managed to lift myself up off the floor and stop my tears from falling down as I fixed my hair and wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand. 

 'Where are you going?’ Damon asked and placed his hand firmly on my chest, stopping me for taking any more steps. My brows furrowed as I looked at him in confussion, my body fighting to leave the room as soon as possible, my lungs craving for some fresh air and some alone time to think about everything.

 'I want to be alone right now, I- I can’t stay here any longer because I will lose my mind!’ I raised my voice a little bit, a dash of anger roaming through my body as Damon stepped back, allowing me to walk through the doors. I walked out of the hospital as fast as I could, fresh breeze hitting my face, my lungs finally filling up with fresh air, but that feeling of a rock on my chest was still there and it felt as if it was tearing my heart into million pieces. Pain was too strong and I couldn’t bare it anymore. After a few minutes, I found myself in a dark alley, all alone until a girl walked into it, her arms strongly wrapped around her body, as if she was protecting herself from the cold breeze filling up the air. She looked me in the eyes and kept walking, but as I had no control over my actions, I grabbed her body tightly and sank my fangs into her neck, draining her of her blood, warm liquid slowly trickling down my throat. I got lost in that euphoria, the adrenalin that collided through my bones as I felt her body getting weaker and weaker, but before I could finish, someone punched me in the face, making me fly a few feet away from the girl, my back hitting the dark and wet street. I got up and saw Damon, feeding the girl his blood and compelling her to run away.

 'What the hell do you think you’re doing?’ Damon asked, looking pissed as never before, slowly approaching me, his knuckles turning white from squeezing his fist too much. 

 'Feeding. Don’t pretend like you care.’ I snapped at him, wiping the blood off my chin with my sleeve.

 ‘I do care.’

 'No, you don’t, Damon!’ I yelled, anger and grief taking over my body completely. 'Only- only she did.’ I stuttered and cried out, fighting my body from making me weak again, trying to stop myself from crying.

 'And you think that this is what she would have wanted for you to do? To feed on an innocent girl while she’s in a hospital, fighting for her life.’ His words have hurt me more than I expected. Deep down I knew he was right. I left her all alone in there, wounded just to go feed on some random girl. This wasn’t me and I knew it, but every particle in me wanted to scream and kill.

 'I can’t help it! I can’t take the pain anymore!’ Tears have finally found their way to my cheeks, my lips and hands trembling as I kept talking.

 'I know how-’

 'No, you don!’ I have never felt this much pain in my life and I- I don’t know how to make it go away. I just don’t know.’ I ran my fingers through my hair and slightly pulled at the ends. 'This is all my fault. I gave her the cure. She’s in there because of me.’

 'You gave the cure to give her the life she wanted! It’s not your fault! You couldn’t have possibly known that this would happen.' 

 'I should have let her go, when I had the chance. I’m only hurting her. The only person that loves me with all her heart.’

 ‘You’re stupid if you think that she would ever let you run away or let her go.’ Damon yelled and crossed his arms, as I could see how furious he was. 

 'The things she said to Bon-’

 'She didn’t mean it! She told you that herself, why are you-’ he sighed deeply and ran his fingers through his hair roughly as he rubbed his forehead in frustration. 'You’re not thinking clearly. She needs you right now, more than anything and more than she ever did in her life. You need to be by her side, take care of her, make sure that she’s breathing because that’s what a person who loves their significant other does. You know I’m right.’

 'I need her too. I need her to be happy again, to see her smiling and talking, but, right now I- I can’t think of anything else than her in that damn bed, still and no signs of life.’

 'I know you believe in her and I know that you’ll do everything to bring her back.’

 'I will, but right now, I need to be alone.’ I trailed off and ran off, my feet touching the ground as fast as possible, cold breeze caressing my tears stained cheeks. I had so much anger and pain built up in me and I wanted to scream and let it all out, fill the air with my cries, but I couldn’t get myself to do that. 

 I walked into her house, all the rooms filled with darkness and void, furniture placed just the way she left it. I looked around the living room and traced my fingers over a dark coloured table, smooth varnish underneath my fingertips. I smiled briefly and grabbed one glass and looked at the details that adorned a beautiful glass before I threw it into the wall as hard as I could, watching it get shattered against the wall, small pieces falling on the wooden floor. I screamed and threw another one before burrying my fist into the table multiple times, breaking it in half and winced in pain as small wooden pieces pierced my skin and got stuck between my knuckles. 

I started laughing at my own silly behaviour and before I could even process what I just did, I started crying and dropped down on the floor, burrying my head in my hands as I let my tears out once more, staining my shirt.

 'I’m sorry… I’m really sorry!’ I cried out and ran my fingers through my hair, feeling my body getting weaker as seconds passed. I looked up and saw the same picture she gave me just a few hours ago, her smile making me smile briefly. 'I miss you so fucking much already. I want you back.’ I whispered, my eyes closed. 'I just want you back, please come back to me baby.’

6

That statue is nothing if not inspiring. Concrete beard, foreboding, smart.
- Totally inspiring.
- Yup.

10

I WANTED IT TO BE REAL
1.03   //   1.22 

(requested by anonymous)