i needed this shit in my life

  • What she says: I'm fine.
  • What she means: I was the one who had it all. I was the master of my fate. I never needed anybody in my life. I learned the truth too late. I'll never shake away the pain.
  • I close my eyes but she's still there. I let her steal into my melancholy heart. It's more than I can bear. Now I know she'll never leave me. Even as she runs away. She will still torment me, calm me, hurt me. Move me, come what may.
  • Wasting in my lonely tower. Waiting by an open door. I'll fool myself she'll walk right in. And be with me for evermore.

I’m a person who likes to be honest and candid. I dont want to have to watch my mouth around you. But over the years I’ve learned 1) not everyone can handle the truth, 2) the way I’ve said some things was too blunt, 3) not everything needs to be said or commented on. I feel like I’ve reeled myself in over the years. I leave my most candid thoughts for like 2-3 ppl in my life who understand my intention behind them. A good amount of the time its just an observation but I guess an observation that some people would rather not hear.

Other times I’m just talking shit and want somebody with my same sense of humor to get it lmao

life happens

I am going to be even more scarce for bit (nothing new). 

Last Sunday night I was admitted to ER till the next morning. Headed back again on Wednesday morning and then returned again on Thursday morning. 

Massive kidney stone attack. 

Had high priority surgery on Thursday in the early afternoon and was sent home around 10PM with a temporary stent in my ureter. I will need another surgery to remove/breakup the large stones still in the kidney and to have the stent removed. Going to start drinking lemon juice and apple cider vinegar regularly!

Cancelled my road trip to Anza Borrego for the spring super bloom.

anonymous asked:

don't worry, you're not the reason the planet is low on water. corporations are responsible for most of the planet's destruction. if we really need to save water - we have to make corporations be more responsible in their water usage. same goes for people with large lawns who water their gardens. that's a big water waster there too :(

Why have you sent this message to me. Do you think I don’t know my facts about global water consumption? I know EVERY fact about global water consumption. I compose sestinas about corporate water consumption in my sleep. The fucking president calls me up when he needs to know a thing about water consumption. I eat, sleep, live and breathe this shit. Stat life. 24/7 365 corporate indifference to the public good stays on my mind. You come into my house, where I blog about cats, and suggest that I don’t know a thing? Unbelievable.

i know this is horrifically TMI, but i just spent the last hour researching suicide statistics and methods. i’m fine–honestly and truly–but these days my mind just seems to wander toward the morbid shit so easily. 

i think i just get this way when i feel like i’m stuck in a rut or when i just have too much time to contemplate life.

i feel like i need to enact some sort of change in my life. tho i feel like my therapist would be all like “learn to accept what is” blahblah bla. honestly wondering if it’s worth continuing sessions. talk about ruts 

i’m going to drink another glass of wine and clean my room

anonymous asked:

This blog is hell and I need to lie down Jesus fuck how do you think up this shit Are you ok? Do you need a hug? Some attention? Your art is fucking good but what are you doing? I am not one for ship hate but Christ what made you think this was a good idea? This ship knocked 10 years off my life and I'm fucking glad cause I hate behind alive but also I get to spend less time knowing that this ship and fan art exists Fuck dude have a good night I am shook.

anonymous asked:

Venus retrograde is fr messing up my feelings and ugh I'm trying not to be clingy but it's not helping .. this shit needs to be over already

venus retrogrades are too long and i fucking hate it so much, haven’t had this much turbulence in my life in two years. ugh

anonymous asked:

Not to put pressure on you rlly but when should we be expecting the comic?? Bc dude i've been refreshing ur blog at least 50 times a day the last few days and i need to s t o p

FIRST ANSWER: DONT DO THAT DONT REFESH CONSTANTLY OH NO !!!!! LIVE YOUR LIFE AND DONT COUNT ON ME FOR SHIT M'DUDE !!! NOOOO !!

now promise me you won’t fuckin. Live on my blog omg. But. I HOPE 🤞 to get another page up today. It is going to be A LOT SHORTER THAN PREVIOUS UPDATES but I want to like. Break the dry spell. omg hell pls go outside & smell the air I’m the worst at updates ANON PLEASE 🤦‍♂️ 💦

this is gonna come out all bitchy and entitled but I feel like god should’ve evened my shit out more?? like sure give me evil organs but if you’re gonna do that then give me a mom that’s not evil, sure give me a mom that’s evil but give me a responsible dad if you’re gonna do that, yeah you can give me a kid to take care of but if you’re gonna do that then don’t make me sick like I can’t handle all of it lmao if you’re gonna make me deathly sick then give me the resources to care for myself ya know like why is there so much suffering in my life what did I do to deserve All Of It

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.