i need you guy to tell me if they move or not


I am the sort of roleplayer who uses NPCs. These are characters that are not my main character, and are open for either roleplayer to use to advance the story. Sometimes you need outside characters (especially bad guys) to make a story - I am interested in writing stories with you so I am interested in sharing those characters with you. It is not godmodding to use an NPC or decide what they’re doing. I absolutely encourage it. NPCs are objects of the plot, and they should be able to be moved around with the same ease you can move around the key for that locked door or your muse’s jacket in the cold. You can even introduce NPCs yourself.

I will generally bold or italicise dialogue from an NPC to show that my muse is not the one speaking it, or make it otherwise obvious from context. If you are not comfortable using NPCs you need to tell me in advance of us starting a roleplay. 

About Mark Lee

You guys don’t understand how much respect I have for Mark Lee. I’m so serious about this. It’s such a hard thing to just move to a different country and learn the language. THEN you train and train and train for years in order to do what you’ve been dreaming of for a long time.

He’s kind of a role model for me because I want to be like him. Not necessarily a Kpop star or whatever, but I’d want to have that same passion for something that I love and just run with it as far as I can go.
Another thing is that he can take criticism when people want to help him improve. It’s very difficult to take something that someone has said to you like “you need to work on this more” or “this isn’t very good but let me tell you how to make it better” and turn that into something great with a positive attitude. I still struggle with that but just seeing Mark work with it makes me want to be more open to constructive criticism. People that succeed are people that allow others to teach them and help.

Mark may be my bias but I feel the same way about Johnny, Winwin, Kun, Yuta, Ten, Chenle, and Renjun. They had the courage to move to Korea and actually get through their training. I’m very proud to be a fan of NCT and I’m so happy that we have such a supportive fan base that loves each other.


Size 11x18 • Printed on Canvas $65 • Hey guys! I’m moving out at the end of the week and need some extra money to buy a bed and all the other stuff that comes with moving out haha so I’m selling my pieces from the Black Lives Create show. If you’re interested please feel free to DM me or email me. Tell your friends, moms, dads, uncles, aunties. Help your boy get a new spot!

Brett was horny right after his training session at the gym.
He told me that he doesn’t like taking care of business by himself if he could help it, But as his girlfriend was overseas for the next 2 weeks he thought that was the only thing he could do.
- I couldn’t help imagining how big and hard he would be under those tight black shorts.
As I moved over on the couch where he was sitting i touched the inside of his leg, with a smile I said “a hot guy like you has many options” he was pretty quick to dismiss my offer by telling me he wasn’t gay … I got up, closed the blinds, locked the door and said “we have been Mates for years now, trust me”
Walking back to him I said close your eyes if you want, but you don’t need to be gay to fuck another guy, just horny.

Even now that his girlfriend has come back from her trip, Brett sometimes still comes over after his gym session.
But he closes the blinds and locks the door himself now ;)

Last week of exams

Okay guys I have to tell you. This weekend there will be no pages.

I was gonna do three or so, because I need to study but I can still take breaks and stuff, so I thought I could do some pages.

But the teacher moved the exam to this next SUNDAY.


Uh…. thankfully, there’s just two exams left… I will compensate you guys, I promise. For now, I’ll just lay down and cry for a bit… then I’ll go back to my text book.

allura: we need to stop zarkon from taking over the universe

zarkon: how about you go fuck yourself I didn’t ask for your opinion or impute so go do whatever the fuck you do somewhere the fuck else we didn’t go conquer all the planets for the fact we are galra or quintessence related we went because I wanted to conquer the fucking planets I’m the overlord btw a 22 year old guy who fucking likes planets if they are good so go fuck your self because I’m planning on conquering them again and guess what you can’t fucking stop me so you need to grow the fuck up this isn’t even inappropriate your just looking to start shit so move the fuck along you piece of fucking shit and guess what I carry a fucking bayard on me to guess you have a problem about that to so just go to your safe zone where you can play big and bad like you have any fucking clue how this world works and quit trying to tell someone how to live their life if you got a problem you can come find me my name is loveless bitch

Pony: Why did Johnny and you go to the movies without me?

Dally:  How about you go fuck yourself I didn’t ask for your opinion or impute so go do whatever the fuck you do somewhere the fuck else we didn’t go see this movie for the fact we are ddlg or kink related we went because I wanted to see the fucking movie I’m the daddy btw a 22 year old guy who fucking likes movies if they are good so go fuck your self because I’m planning on watching it again and guess what you can’t fucking stop me so you need to grow the fuck up this isn’t even inappropriate your just looking to start shit so move the fuck along you piece of fucking shit and guess what I carry a fucking pistol on me to guess you have a problem about that to so just go to your safe zone where you can play big and bad like you have any fucking clue how this world works and quit trying to tell someone how to live their life if you got a problem you can come find me my name is loveless bitch

this is probably kinda messy but i just really need to get all my Trollhunters thoughts out before I burst. beware of spoilers, my dudes.

I love that I feel some, if even a small bit, of sympathy for each of the “villains” in the show. Draal begins as Jim’s first major adversary wanting to be the Trollhunter, but as he steadily becomes a close ally we learn all Draal wanted from the title, from beating Jim, was to make his father proud, something he learns to do by helping Jim instead of going against him. Strickler is a ruthless and cunning guy who literally admits to being power hungry and only having his own best interests in mind, but he has a soft spot for Barbara that brings out his more human side, that makes me feel bad for him despite everything. NotEnrique is a (quite literally) shifty, selfish brat that betrays Jim and co. before officially moving to their side, but his genuine care for Claire and her feelings, the budding sibling relationship they grow to have, makes me like him, makes me sad to think about him leaving after Claire gets Enrique back. Angor Rot is a cruel hunter who enjoys torturing and destroying souls, but the flashback where we learn he’s so bitter because his own soul is trapped in a ring and he wants to be free, made my heart clench when the ring shattered right before his eyes. Even the little gnomes who are shown to be selfish and mischievous, are shown another side by Chompski, another turned ally of Jim’s, who just wanted a home.

The characters are multi-dimensional, and because of this we see gray spaces among them. NotEnrique especially goes back and forth for awhile before settling his allegiance with Claire, but I appreciate the gradual change as opposed to a sudden one because it feels more realistic. You can feel that inner conflict going on. It becomes very clear that villains are people (creatures, whatever) too who see themselves as doing right but are capable of shifting their perspective into a new idea of right. Aaarrrgh is another great example of this. He used to fight with the GumGum long ago, but then realized he was wrong and dedicated his life to repenting for all the death he caused, choosing to do good and be a pacifist instead. The show doesn’t define by fixed black and white, but by the choices characters make. This extends to the “heroes” too.

The best example probably being when Jim faced the ethical dilemma of trusting Angor Rot to follow through on their deal or not. Both of his friends stood for these opposite choices; Toby wanted Jim to trust Angor Rot and hand the ring over, and Claire wanted Jim to keep the ring and control Angor Rot with it instead. It’s hard to say what the better choice is because both raise good points. Ultimately Jim seemed to lean more Claire’s way, going a step further and trying to steal the Killing Stone from right under Angor Rot’s nose, but that backfired horrendously resulting in the ring shattering and utterly destroying any chance of some sort of truce/alliance ever forming between them. Angor Rot was after blood from then on out, putting Jim, his friends, and all of Troll Market in serious danger. We don’t know if all of that could’ve been prevented had Jim acted differently, we don’t know if something worse would’ve happened had Jim acted differently, but it just goes to show the moral complexity behind ethical decisions like that, something I deeply appreciate the inclusion of. Its great writing.

Jim is faced with smaller decisions of this nature as well, such as when he lies to his mom once more after promising to tell her the truth when she recovers and doesn’t remember anything again, though we have yet to see the outcome of this decision, whether its the better course of action or not, as again each choice has its drawbacks and benefits.

That said, I find Jim’s character progression in a moral sense very interesting, particularly when it comes to “finishing the fight”. The story begins with Jim vehemently against this, choosing to spare lives like Draal’s (”House rules. Not mine.”), going so far as to start a speech in front of the disappointed trolls about how he doesn’t want to live by their rules until he’s yanked off stage by Blinky. This continues up until about the middle of the season when he has to kill Gunmar’s son out of self defense. My first thought watching that scene was ‘Oh no. The first kill’ He was trying to dance around it in the fight, trying to get out of doing it, but in the end he couldn’t get out of it. Kill or be killed. And as the stone body tumbles into the water, you see Jim’s conflicting emotions on his face. You see the resignation, the realization that this is something he’s gonna have to do sometimes whether he likes it or not, and your heart breaks a little for him. Then in the finale Jim doesn’t hesitate, jamming Angor Rot’s sword right through his own chest without looking back.

And it hurts, watching this young, loving kid realizing you can’t spare everyone, having to adapt to this harsh warrior lifestyle so suddenly, but its realistic development. Too many times stories will try to argue that killing the villain makes you just as bad as them, but that’s just not how it works. That’s not how war works. It’d be nice in theory if everyone could be spared, but that’s not reality and Trollhunters does a great job of showing that, and the emotional burden that comes with it.

Switching gears a bit, there’s a decent amount of foreshadowing of Jim’s father having been a changeling, and consequently Jim having some of that troll/changeling blood in his veins as well; his father’s mysterious sudden disappearance, the fact that the amulet has only ever chosen those with troll blood before, the quip about Stickler being a changeling “If he’s one, I’m one” in which we find out later Stickler is one. I don’t know if the theory’s true or not (it would explain how the amulet could’ve chosen Jim), but I wanna play around with it for a sec, as well as the Daylight and Eclipse powers, in relation to the morally gray spaces in the show.

If Jim is part troll/changeling, it would symbolically represent the amulet really well; Daylight representing his humanity, Eclipse representing the changeling. On the surface, like a human compared to a changeling, Daylight seems more “good” than Eclipse. The suit’s blue and silver, there’s no ill intent behind wanting “the glory of Merlin”, and Blinky says Jim’s (as well as all humans’) greatest strength is their ability to love each other. Whereas Eclipse is black and red, is drawn from Gunmar’s eye, is to be used “for the doom of Gunmar”. But, like a human and a changeling, despite appearances, neither force is more inherently good or bad. Humans are capable of doing evil, and Daylight is capable of being used for evil, like when Angor Rot was using Daylight against Jim. Changelings/any creature from the GumGum are capable of doing good, like NotEnrique and Aaarrrgh, and Eclipse is capable of being used for good. Nothing is inherent, nothing is all good or all bad, all that matters is your choices, how you choose to wield those powers, what kind of person you choose to be.

And Jim himself would be the amulet that binds these two forces together. He is neither all human or all troll, all light or all darkness, all good or all bad. He is not one side of the coin or the other. He is the coin itself. He is the literal balance of these forces, bridging the gap between them as well as the gap between the “good” creatures and the “bad” creatures, and then all the creatures and the humans. He commands these forces. Regardless of appearance, regardless of blood, he gets to choose how they’re used and what kind of person he is, and that is what defines Jim. Not either or, but both. Both sides embraced together. That is of course if Jim really is not all human. It’s certainly something I’d like to see.

How about you go fuck yourself I didn’t ask for your opinion or impute so go do whatever the fuck you do somewhere the fuck else we didn’t go see this movie for the fact we are ddlg or kink related we went because I wanted to see the fucking movie I’m the daddy btw a 22 year old guy who fucking likes movies if they are good so go fuck your self because I’m planning on watching it again and guess what you can’t fucking stop me so you need to grow the fuck up this isn’t even inappropriate your just looking to start shit so move the fuck along you piece of fucking shit and guess what I carry a fucking pistol on me to guess you have a problem about that to so just go to your safe zone where you can play big and bad like you have any fucking clue how this world works and quit trying to tell someone how to live their life if you got a problem you can come find me my name is loveless bitch

you never wanted me to say no then, so this is me saying it now. showing you that i can tell the difference between love and lust i don’t need the latter. for every finger you traced along my jawbone, hand you rested on my hips, fantasy you described to me, there is a moon out there that is orbiting a damn planet and they are both more important than a guy who can only speak in coffee grounds.

this is me saying no now, screaming it from the rooftops, telling you that i am no longer a shell of a being for you to hide in because i don’t want your love. there are planets that are too big to find proper metaphors for and galaxies that we’ve studied for as long as we could think about them and you cannot even begin to do this universe justice and i don’t deserve someone like you when i can lay in damp grass and watch stars explode.

this is me saying no for every time that i never could- this is me saving my yes’s for something that deserves them.

—  NO (catherine w // sempiternalwriting)
The Librarians Season 1 sentence starters
  • “Don’t mind me. You’re obviously busy.”
  • “Do try to keep up.”
  • “I apparently set off a trap.”
  • “We’re fifty percent less likely to die.”
  • “How do you know who I am?”
  • “I don’t need a guardian.”
  • “I need an answer.”
  • “Walking away quickly is not an answer!”
  • “Hey, buy a guy/girl a drink first!”
  • “I really, really work better alone.”
  • “It’ll stop in a second.”
  • “I’m not your sidekick, you might be my sidekick.”
  • “You brought a crowbar to a sword fight.”
  • “We do not want to be here.”
  • “Now you’re just showing off.”
  • “I’ve got my own backup.”
  • “Did you really have to do that?”
  • “So you’re telling me that you’re the good guys.”
  • “Road’s this way.”
  • “No need to talk.”
  • “Don’t move too much!”
  • “I should have seen it coming.”
  • “People are dead because I just wasn’t good enough.”
  • “Why’d you stop me?”
  • “Is that really where we should be going?”
  • “Working alone doesn’t seem like the best idea right now.”
  • “All you do is push people around.”
  • “We’ve got about five minutes before the police show up.”
  • “We’re running out of time.”
  • “Make yourself useful, or make yourself gone.”
  • “I assume I can outrun anything, so I’m in.”
  • “Oh God, what have I done?”
  • “When do we break in?”
  • “Yeah, thanks for the warning.”
  • “Can you kind of get us out of here?”
  • “We have to split up.”
  • “Why would you hide that?”
  • “I don’t know what you are.”
  • “Stop panicking. It is unseemly.”
  • “They’re not letting me have any fun.”
  • “We really don’t have time for this.”
  • “This isn’t good, is it?”
  • “This is weird.”
  • “Those cops don’t sound too happy.”
  • “You could have called for help.”
  • “That’s never a good sound.”
  • “What did I tell you about antagonizing local law enforcement?”
  • “What made you think I would listen?”
  • “I’m gonna go punch something.”
  • “Now that I say that out loud, it doesn’t make any sense at all.”
  • “This stops right now!”
  • “We’ve already established that you can’t shoot me.”
  • “This isn’t over.”
  • “This can go one of two ways.”
  • “I didn’t hear anything.”
  • “I don’t know what I saw.”
  • “You said it was gonna be okay!”
  • “You would have thought I was crazy.”
  • “Things like that don’t just happen, do they?”
  • “We are not a team.”
  • “Let’s just get this over with.”
  • “I will break every bone in your body.”
  • “This is not what it looks like.”
  • “It takes a little getting used to.”
  • “We can’t go on like this.”
  • “I don’t think we can take this risk.”
  • “This is not happening.”
  • “Why are you so calm?”
  • “What is that smell?”
Quiet Dreams (Part 3)

Summary: After Barry changes the timeline and saves his mother, he discovers a huge aspect of his life has changed, maybe for the better. (Set after the finale of Season 2)

Universe: The Flash

Pairing: Barry Allen x Reader

Part 1   Part 2

A/N: Not much to say except that I’m super thankful for the support and glad you guys like it. Also, you’ll notice a few time jumps through the story but they will be explained, because in my mind, a lot of the stuff that I don’t write would have just been filler chapters and I’m not really all for those. This chapter is absolutely going to drag on, much of it is just fluff but then there is finally actual stuff going on! I’m sorry it’s so long and rushed, but the story needs to move along! Enjoy!


“I have to go. And I need you to tell me that it’s okay.” Henry Allen, The Flash Season 2


Barry groans as his eyes open, sunlight invading through the curtains. It had been two days since he had his little breakdown and made his decision.

He got up, only to find you in the kitchen. Coffee ready, pancakes on a plate, syrup on the table. He could still see the steam coming off the lovely breakfast, and he smiled. He sits across from you, rubbing his eyes.

“Morning sunshine.” You tease with a laugh, and he just grins with that dorky smile as he looks back up at you. You, although not necessarily a morning person, had already showered and freshened up and were sitting in clean clothes whereas your fiance looked like an adorable mess.

“I swear I’ll be useful today,” he promises, his smile brightening the room. Barry still worked at CCPD, and he was often busy with extreme cases. It was nice to just have him home for once, all to yourself.

You lift your legs up and place them in his lap from under the table and he sighs contently. Breakfast is quiet and peaceful, until the phone rings. You untangle your legs from Barry and quickly get up to answer it.

“Hi Nora!” You gleefully respond to her hello. You hadn’t seen Barry’s parents in a long time and you wished you could spend more time with them, they were absolutely hysterical to be around, especially when the photo album came out.

“So honey, Henry and I were thinking we could all go out together today? A little Central City shopping and enjoyment.” She laughs. It sounds amazing, and you know very well that Barry and Henry will be stuck in the waiting room while you and Nora shop until your hearts give out.

You ask Barry if he’d like to go, and he nods, declaring that he’s going to go shower and get dressed. “We’d absolutely love to. I’ll see you in a bit.” With that, you go to find a suitable outfit and try to look presentable.

Barry turns on the hot shower and lets his thoughts run rampant. He had managed to come up with an inkling of what he was supposed to do. He needed to find someone to speed back to that night and stop him from saving his mother, as much as it killed him. He figured he could ask Wally, but Wally didn’t even know him. It was unlikely that he’d listen or understand the situation. Besides, where would Barry even find him?

Barry sighs. He had screwed up big time. He loved having his mother around, but he knew eventually he’d be back and he wouldn’t have her anymore. That’s why days like today matter so much to him. Creating the beautiful memories that he and his family always deserved.

He turned the water off and dried himself, slipping into the clothes you had left for him. He walks into the bedroom, looking you up and down, his lips turning into a light smirk.

“Barry,” you laugh, and he smiles that toothy grin.

“What?” He comes forward to wrap his arms around you. “Am I not allowed to admire my beautiful girl?” He kisses your cheek softly, holding you to him. He didn’t want to leave you, but he knew he would have to.

“Barry! Your hair’s dripping wet!” You shriek as the water falls onto your skin. He cackles and quickly walks away to towel dry his hair again.

“C’mon babe!” He calls, having exited the bathroom. “We have to go.”


The day had been incredible. The four of you had gone to many shops, and you and Nora had coaxed the boys into letting you two shop for them as well. They agreed, after a few pouts and puppy dog eyes.

As you and Nora pick clothes off the shelves, Barry and Henry are left among themselves to talk.

“How have your wedding plans been? Y/N says they’re almost all finished up.” Henry smiles. Barry runs his fingers through his hair and beams. He had indeed been helping you, although he found that you had already chosen and confirmed many things.

‘It could be so perfect.’ Barry thought silently to himself, but quickly shakes the thought away and answers his father.

“They’re pretty much done,” and his will power is weak as he musters, “I can’t wait.” Because in the back of his mind, this was becoming exactly what he wanted. But he knew he just couldn’t have it. This wasn’t his world. You weren’t truly his girl.

“I can’t believe my slugger is getting married. Your mother is so thrilled for little grandbabies.” He says and Barry’s cheeks redden at the thought.

It would be nice, wouldn’t it? To be with you and to have kids and to grow old together. It’d be nice to lead a normal life, but he wasn’t normal, and life wasn’t his friend.

“Yeah it fee-” he goes silent when he sees a group of people, a very familiar face in them.


“Excuse me, dad. I just- I need a second.” He says hastily, getting up and chasing after the three kids. He lightly taps Wally’s shoulder and asks to talk to him. Wally at first seems hesitant, not really knowing this strange man, but he gives in nonetheless. His two friends go on, leaving you two with some space and privacy.

“I feel like I know you from somewhere, yet not really,” Wally says, laughing casually. Barry frowns slightly. This was going to be so strange to explain, he knew that.”

“I’m Barry Allen. I’ve seen you around.” He says calmly.

“So? What do you need to talk about?” Wally asks. He is rather kind and seems easy about it all, and Barry knew personally that it was part of the superhero complex. Accepting people and helping.

“I know you’re Kid Flash,” he blurts as Wally’s eyes widen. Of course he knew he was being blunt, but wasn’t that the best way to go at this point? “and I really need your help.”

“You’re going to need to come to S.T.A.R. Labs with me.” Barry smiles at the familiarity, at least Kid Flash’s headquarters were at the same place as his once were.

“Okay, just give me a minute to say goodbye to my family.” With that, Barry quickly explains something to Henry about an old friend, and to tell you that he’d be home some time tonight and that he was sorry for rushing out.

Barry breathes heavily as he is rushed at thousands of miles an hour to S.T.A.R. Labs. He was ready for something to catch fire and to finally solve his dilemma.


“Who the hell is this?” Dr. Harrison Wells. The real Dr. Wells, the one Barry never got the opportunity to actually work with.

“I’m Barry Allen. I need your help, and it’s going to sound insane, but you have to understand.” Harry looks at him questioningly, but allows him to continue as Tess, his wife, sits next to him.  Barry could feel the word vomit take over. “Where I come from, my mother was murdered. My life was spent trying to find her murderer, and one day, you built the Particle Accelerator, but it exploded and made me The Flash. I was the fastest man alive, and I defeated all these evil people with powers, but at the end of the day, I was still broken. My parents were both dead so I went back in time and I saved them. And this, this is all an alternate timeline,” he was pacing back and forth and constantly running his fingers through his hair as the three of them stared at him, “and it’s all so wrong. This world is in absolute chaos compared to mine and I know it’s all my fault and it needs to be fixed. All the lives here are endangered now and we need to stop it. I need your help, Wally. I need all of you to help me,” he looks at them pleadingly, “Please.”

“Why should we even believe you?” Wally begins. “You’re a complete stranger and this sounds insane, even for me.”

“I know things that I couldn’t have known in this timeline. I-”

“That’s enough, Mr. Allen.” Harrison stops him, “There is a sure way to tell whether you are lying or not, and that is to see if the speed force left a trace in your system.”

After Barry had been poked and prodded and analyzed over and over, Harry finally came to answer.

“Well, he was definitely once a speedster.” He declares, but Wally still isn’t confident.

“Even if you’re telling the truth, why should we change the timeline back?” He asks. Before Barry can answer, Tess does instead.

“Wally, time is a very fragile concept. I’m sure Barry knows that by now. He knows how things were always supposed to be, he can see the contrasts and how much damage there is, how much worse it is now. That is why we have to change it, because if we don’t fix the timeline, this world could collapse in on itself eventually.”

Barry felt insanely guilty, not telling them that Tess and Harry would both die or that Wally would no longer be a speedster. He knew it was selfish but he felt that they would back out if he told them.

Wally nods, looking at Barry’s desperate face.

“I’ll do it.”


Barry walked into his apartment, feeling anxiety creep up on him. They had decided that it would be tomorrow, they would change the past and return the world to how it was supposed to be. He had the night to relish the beauty in having his parents alive, in having you.

“Y/N?” He calls out, and he finds you on the couch, eating pasta alone.

“Do you want dinner, Barr?” You ask softly, looking at his tense person. He shook his head and sat down next to you.

“Not yet. We need to talk, about something really important.” He chokes, stroking your hair and pulling you onto his lap. You nod and allow him to continue. “Babe,” his voice is weak, “I’m going to do something absolutely insane. You’re not going to understand why, but I need to do this.”

You look at him, the man you’ve loved your entire life. The one who carries the weight of the world on his shoulders and would do anything to keep the people he loves safe, who’d do anything to make change.

“Barry, I already told you. You do what you have to do. You don’t need to explain yourself.” But Barry shakes his head rapidly, hot tears falling as he holds your waist with one hand and your face with the other.

“You don’t understand Y/N.” Barry whispers, “If I go, I’m never going to be able to come back.” And he knows he is being absolutely irrational, that once the timeline changes it’s not as if you’ll still be waiting here for him. You’ll be living the life you were previously, without him.

“Barry…” you whisper, wiping his tears.

“I have to go,” he takes a gasp of air, “And I need you to tell me that it’s okay.” You nod softly, feeling your own tears trickle down your face. His thumb removes them and he kisses all over your face. He takes another deep breath.

“I swear, Y/N, I will find you again. I- We, we can be happy together, the right way. The way we were supposed to be.” You lean into his shoulder, feeling your heart break. You didn’t get what he was talking about in the slightest, but you loved him and you rather him happy and gone than here and broken. Even if that meant no wedding, no little kids, no Barry.

He pushes your face up and looks you in the eyes, holding your face with both hands. There’s this emotion in him that you don’t quite recognize reflecting back at you. He sniffles softly.

“I love you, Y/N. I will always find my way home to you.”


Genre: angst

Character: Seokjin x reader (and minor appearances of the other boys of BTS)

Summary: He misses you. And all he needs is to hear the sound of your voice to keep moving on.

a/n: I was listening to this song and this song while writing. I want to say thank you for my lovely @chimcharms for helping me with proofreading the draft and editing, also tagging @namnote and @lovelast95 for the support. I love you guys, I hope you’d love this one.

Originally posted by snowyjin

“Hey, baby…ummm…I’m sorry for leaving this in your voicemail, but I just need to because I couldn’t really say this to you in person somehow. I just wanna tell you that…I know how hard you’ve been working for everything. Your study, your work, and I don’t mind being your second or third priorities right now. You always put 100% of your heart and yourself into what you do, so I know you will do good. You are great at everything you do and if no one can see that, I will always do. And I am so proud of you. I love you, Kim Seokjin. Forever and always. I want you to remember that.”

Keep reading

Love Bites (Optional Bias)

request: nah

genre: slightly suggestive?? smutty kind of???

word count: 317 ((ik it’s short okay but i needed something to post))

author’s note: i was readin’ some prompts and i just got an idea and this happened so yeahh ??? idk i’m not really good at writing smut///anything suggestive so tell me what you guys think i guess? ((i’m aware that it doesn’t get into much detail at all, but i’m not really comfortable going into full detail so it sounds hella awkward, so something simple like this flows better.))  love you cuties!!

**nsfw under the cut !!

Keep reading

I don’t know how to say this

But I need help. And just getting to the point that I can admit that out loud has been a long, painful journey.

Here’s the situation: my husband has never been a flexible person, hating to have his routines tampered with and throwing fits when they are. He reduced our oldest daughter to a sobbing wreck on Monday with his fury over her accidentally washing a shirt of his in with the load of our stuff. Up until then, most of his rage was directed at me and I could handle it. But I realized, suddenly, what I was allowing to happen, and that my children were suffering.

I told him I wanted him to move out. He refused and locked himself in his bedroom for two days.  He has not spoken to me since Monday. I have no idea what he’s planning or doing, because every attempt I’ve made at contact has been rebuffed with icy silence.

I am disabled, with degenerative disk disease, narrowing of the spinal canal, and scoliosis, as well as severe arthritis and a severed ligament in my left knee. I physically cannot keep a job, since I can’t stay on my feet for more than a few minutes at a time.

My books are beginning to sell, which is wonderful, but they’re nowhere near enough to support myself and four children yet.  I have filed for disability, which I should have done years ago, I know, but I didn’t need it, right?  My husband supported us all, no reason to mess with the system he had in place.

I was raised to never ask for handouts. And I’m crying as I type this because I hate that I have to now. But I’m desperate. Emotionally, our marriage has been over for years, but things are just getting worse. I can’t live with this man and since he won’t leave, then clearly I have to.

I’m asking for help. I hope I never have to again, I wish it wasn’t necessary at all, but I have to break this cycle of abuse, and I can’t do it alone. The shelter in the county is full and we’re low priority anyway because the abuse isn’t physical, which means that the housing authority is our only real hope at the moment, since their rent is based on income and should be something affordable.  Assuming they have an opening.

If you’re still reading, my Paypal is halcymouse@gmail.com.  Any amount will be a help, but if you can donate even just $5, I’ll send you a digital copy of Coffee Cake or Beignets in tears and gratitude. If you can’t donate a penny but will reblog this so others can see it, you also have my gratitude and I will mentally hug you.

Thank you for listening and I’m going to go cry some more now.

Relationship anarchy could be about so much more than the freedom to fuck.

“I need to tell you something” the guy I just took to my tiny hotel room tells me as we lie down on the bed “I am a relationship anarchist”. This is of little importance to me. We just hooked up in a bar (an anarchist bar so this is also no surprise to me). I am on vacation and moving out in 3 days. Why should I care about how he conducts his relationships? But he seems to think this requires further clarification. “That means I have sex with multiple people and I do not label those contacts as relationships. I see people when I want to see them.” Again, this is of little importance to me. 

But his words linger. Is that what relation anarchy is? Polyamory combined with non-commitment? I really hope not. That kind of individual freedom, the freedom to not form lasting relationships, the freedom to always follow your own desires, the commitmentless fucking around, sounds more like relationship capitalism to me. Yet this guy wasn’t the first ‘relationship anarchist’ I’ve met who defined relationship anarchism as ‘I do whatever I want’. 

I guess why relationship anarchy rarely appeals to me is because its practioners often seems too obsessed with nonmonogamy.

Anarchism, to me, is very much about commitment. About building communities. Communities that reject the ‘rules’ of capitalism, of ownership, of jobs, of productive and unproductive members, of competition. Communities that instead choose care, cooperation, equality, acknowledgement that our differences make our strengths, and each to contribute according to their his ability and to receive according to their need. And in that community, we make the rules that suit us, and end them when they no longer suit our community. 

Relationship anarchism then, to me, means community. A community of two or of many. A community that rejects the ‘rules’ of relationships, of enforced heterosexuality, enforced monogamy, of partners being entitled to sex, of marriage, of childcare being a two-person job and of the idea that we need a romantic or sexual relationship to be complete. A community that instead choses care, cooperation, equality, acknowledgement that we are more than our relationship and that we all have different needs.  And in that community, we make the rules that suit us, and end them when they no longer suit our community.

By that definition, an anarchist relationship is first and foremost one of cooperation and setting our own rules. By that definition, it is not self-serving but always mutually beneficial. By that definition, it can be a monogamous relationship if that’s what makes the people involved feel happiest. By that definition, it can be about friendship, about romance, about sex, about a selection of those things, but by definition it will be about care. And intuitively, I’d say an anarchist relationship is a mutual support system against the brutal, oppressive capitalist world around us. The world is an extremely fucked up opressive place that seeks to divide us but we have chosen to support each other, to create a safe space within the rooms that we share when we share them, to help each other through tough days and tough years, to remind each other that we’re in this together. 

This automatically-polyamorous commitment-free ‘I do whatever I want’ version of relationship anarchism feels nothing like that. 

It’s 12:30am and I am lying in bed wide awake imagining you are here, I can feel you- your touching me again with those soft hands, holding me into your chest but then I hear you say “I love you my baby, I still think of you sometimes and all our memories, sometimes it shatters my heart when my friends tell me they saw you around with another guy, but it’s time to move on. You have to move on- I’ve found other people now I have a new life you need to let go of mine and the hope I’m coming back because I’m not. I’m sorry but this doesn’t work I really do hope you can find someone who knows how to love you soon”

Just like that you were gone, my bed is empty and my heart is heavy, this feels familiar, almost like the day you ripped my heart out by walking out that door.
I miss you everyday, I still get jealous when I see you with others, you still consume me.
But he’s right, I do need to move on, but what he doesn’t understand is I genuinely love him, I meant our promises so I find it hard to wrap my head around it all, it’s still processing, slowly I will get there I know it, and it will feel amazing but for now I will love you silently.

—  B.L letters I never sent
New job & night shift novella

So I’ve been at a new job the past 6 weeks. I’m still a hospitalist, but I’ve moved to night shift. It’s a long story for another time, but basically I was getting burned out and it was either change shifts or move to a different department altogether. Because I love IM so much I am desperately clinging to it for the time being. In my current role, I only do new admissions and consults.

Since I only post now, like, once a year I figured I might as well write a nice long story for you guys! Because also, when have I kept things short, ever?

So, here you go, a narrative of my day (night?).

I leave my house, clutching my tote of Campbell’s Double Noodle soup cans, rice crackers, and Gatorade. I kiss my husband, tell him I love him, and remind him to please finish cleaning the kitchen for me. He needs a lot of reminding. I need a lot of therapy. We’ve had a lot of therapy. It’s been a year sober for him and the anniversary has been hard, bringing back the guilt big time. It’s been more down days than usual the past month and as I leave the house I can only hope I won’t get any liver patients or alcoholics tonight.

I pull in to the hospital, badge in through various doors, end up in the office. The day shift is coming to a close. “Hey!” my coworkers greet me, “Feeling better?”

“Tons! Not a hundred percent but good enough for active duty.”

My terrible med seeking external ED dump patient from earlier this week had given me her norovirus. I’d spent the previous night out sick, puking and near-syncopizing. (FYI- use the bleach wipes next time!!)

I check in with the three physicians I’m working with that night. One, a seasoned night shifter, a quiet man I dub “The Machine” because of his deftness and ease at admitting patients. One, a seasoned nocturnist, another quiet and confident man who could run a thousand codes without screaming “fuck!” not even once. The third, an exceedingly nice new residency graduate who recently started with us and is probably reconsidering the job after his first week on nights. They have a lot of patients coming from outlying facilities, but no one arrived yet.

I sit around for an hour and a half, check emails, clear my inbox of the previous day’s results and check up on a few of those patients, eat a cup of noodles, rub my belly, think about how I shouldn’t have had coffee, then, all at once, I have 3 admissions I’m called to see. Yes, it’s true, they really all do come at once.

I triage them, and go see first an unfortunate lady who is bleeding and clotting. Or rather, likely to bleed. She has a genetic disorder predisposing her to clots and bleeding, and has come in with chest pain. The chest CT showed a pulmonary embolism, one in each lung. I’d hoped they’d be subsegmental, but they weren’t. I meet with her, spend a long time talking. I tell her I’ll call the hematologist and get back to her. I put out a page.

I jump up to the orthopedics floor to see my next patient, a 73 year old lady with COPD and osteoporosis who fell down the stairs at home and probably broke her sacrum. She’s straightforward enough, other than saying she’s intolerant to everything IV opioid except fentanyl. Which she’s not going to get outside of the ED. I write for oxycodone and IV ketorolac and pray her pending labs show normal renal function.

The hematologist pages me while I’m writing patient 2′s note. He recommends a heparin drip, so it can be turned off quickly if patient 1 starts to bleed. He also says he has no idea what to do with her after that, as far as a long term plan. I text my attending and let him know the plan for tonight. While I’m finishing my note, he texts me back an SOS that patient 1 is refusing heparin because she’s afraid of bleeding.

I go back to the ED, I print out UpToDate, visit the poor lady with the PEs again. I talk about risks and benefits, types of heparin. She has some cognitive impairments from a stroke, but she gets it enough that she has capacity. She still declines the heparin, wants us to “watch her” overnight in the hospital though. I check in with bed control, ask for an IMCU bed since she’s refusing blood thinners, and am told there are no ICU beds left. She’ll have to go to the regular floor.

My third patient is a prisoner with history of peptic ulcers and GI bleed coming in with worsening anemia. Actually, he never shows up from the outside hospital because of some officer conflict. His name gets handed off to the next shift.

Fourth patient shows up in the IMCU, from an outside hospital. The notes he comes with are scanty. Acute on chronic hyponatremia, ?dementia. Hypotensive. Weak. I hope he can give me some history. When I walk in he tells me he’s in a hotel in a different state and doesn’t remember how he got here. He denies any symptoms or concerns. It’s 11 pm, but I dial his elderly wife and bless her, she’s up, and gives me the full scoop. He ends up with a slew of labs, head CT, cardiac echocardiogram.

Fifth patient was not supposed to be admitted. Just discharged 2 days ago with COPD flare, end stage COPD on home oxygen. I read the ED notes in the chart, indicating the family demanded the patient be admitted because they are unhappy and that we are being investigated for discharging her too soon, or was it the nursing home was being investigated for not taking care of her the past 2 days? Or both? The discharge summary from my PA colleague indicates the patient refused hospice the last stay. Awww nawwww. I go and see her. It’s late and at least that means the angry family has gone away. I sit with the patient, she’s very anxious, I’ve taken care of her before. I listen for a long time, answer questions, sometimes the same question over and over. She eventually admits her memory ain’t so good anymore. She then marvels “you’ve asked me more questions than anyone else has today”. I hope that’s a good thing. I go through her extensive workup and again conclude that “I am so sorry, but what you have is not fixable. I think we need to focus on trying to get your symptoms better, but we can’t cure you”. She agrees to at least have a palliative care consult. She grumbles about her bad nursing home experience and says her family called to have the bed held for the following day. I waggle my eyebrows at her “You know, if you don’t hold the bed they’ll give it up and then you’ll have to be here through the weekend and then we can see if your preferred nursing home has a spot now, But, you didn’t hear that from me!” She beams. Somewhere, a social worker has rolled over in their grave and pledges to haunt me in my dreams tonight.

I run up to my office again and eat some more noodles, drink Gatorade, rub my gastroparetic-feeling tummy, and finish up my notes just as one of the physicians strides in with a cardiology consult for a patient who just had a STEMI, now in the coronary ICU. They were found to have multivessel coronary artery disease, received a stent. “Should be easy” he says, “Cardiology has done everything!”.

Except, they haven’t. Patient is from outside our system. Needs an entire medical record update. I also notice his blood sugar is > 300 and there’s no insulin ordered. I add “Type 2 Diabetes” to his problem list. I go in and see him, expecting him to be asleep at 1:30 in the morning, but he is wide awake and surrounded by family. He’s a good soul, we have a long talk about diabetes. His wife has a lot of cardiac questions and try to answer as able. His nurse pops in. “His blood pressure is greater than 150 and they want him under that post cath. There’s no medications ordered”. I step out, sigh. Honestly, I have no idea what cardiology does or does not want for an antihypertensive in their post cath patient. I have a sneaking suspicion it also varies widely by the cardiologist. I wish they would order this shit on their people already. I’m just here for the diabeet-us. Gah! 

“What do they usually do for the post cath protocol?” I wonder out loud.

“How about some PO metropolol?” a nurse asks.

I make a face “Really? They do that?”

The nurse looks horrified “Um, yeah, all MIs should be getting that!”

I shake my head “No, I know that, that’s not what I meant, I just mean it’s not going to act rapidly and it’s not going to do much, I mean maybe IV metoprolol but-”

She looks further horrified “No, they never do IV!”

I wanted to say “but I would never give that”, finishing my thought, but instead I shrug and give up. “I’ll ask the attending.” 

I don’t work in the ICUs that often, and I especially don’t know the night crew being new at this job. It’s true what they say, sometimes you need to earn your stripes with some ICU staff, especially if you’re a PA. Also, goddammit cardiology, order your antihypertensives! And beta blockers! And statins! (Also, I love you my cardiology people out there, please don’t take my 2 AM thoughts too seriously to heart, ok?)

I trudge back to my office, finish writing notes and checking labs and imaging that have come back. The demented hyponatremic guy does not have a brain bleed. The COPD flare bounce back has a normal procalcitonin. The untreated PE has normal blood pressures. Broken sacrum indeed does have normal renal function. I order new labs for the day crew. I report out to my docs. Around 3:30 AM I hang up my coat, collect my soup and Gatorade cans to recycle, and stumble out the cold wintry parking garage. I cast a few glances, good, no creepers trolling about, get in my car, and drive home.

I drive through the industrial part of the city and through spotlights and fog I see that the operations are already going at this ungodly hour. Backstreet Boys is playing on the radio. I pull into the back alley outside my house. I tentatively feel my way through the backyard, trying not to fall on my ass on the ice over our sidewalk, like I did the other night. I slip inside, and am completely delighted to see that not only has the kitchen been cleaned but there’s a loaf of homemade banana bread sitting out, steaming a little still. I hear a soft pitter-patter and my puppy steals down the stairwell to greet me. She wiggles from head to toe and jumps on me, playfully stealing my lanyard of keys and running away, shaking them. I took her home one day from a rescue this past summer, pretty much against my husband’s will, and I secretly believe she at least 75% the reason his depression lifted. He now agrees. I let her out to pee, then tread upstairs and wash my face and put on my pajamas, kiss my sleeping husband. I’m too wired to sleep though, maybe because I spent the last day and a half sleeping off the norovirus, so I go back downstairs, eat some banana bread, and start to write.

Ugh. You guys. I suck at this blogging thang. I keep telling myself I’m going to write more this year but that hasn’t happened. Life is just too busy. :( I don’t even have any kiddos (fur or human)! I’m thankful for the long weekend though. It’ll give me a chance to relax and recharge. Despite life being very hectic, I actually don’t have very much going on this weekend. I have two lunch dates and I’m gathering all my tax documents for my appointment with my CPA next week. It’s my first time hiring a CPA to do my taxes. No more TurboTax. Isn’t it ironic that I need to pay someone to help me pay money to the government? Money all around, just not for me! So this is adulting…wish I could refund this, lol.


Apartment: I think I’ve adjusted to living on my own. It was difficult in the beginning since my boy and I moved in together and he had to leave to Ann Arbor right away for his new job. While there are things I miss about living at home (my mom’s cooking), I’m incredibly happy I finally have my own space.

Work: February marks the start of my 5th year at my current company. It’s a rarity since most folks (particularly millennials) bounce from job to job every two years or so. Although I’ve had trouble connecting to the work itself, I love my team and the culture. I’m still trying to navigate what I want to do when I grow up. I know I’m technically a grownup. However, I really don’t know what I want to do. I’ve been grappling with this for the past year. I’m not passionate or interested in my work but it pays well and I love my colleagues. That’s tough to leave behind if I pursue other opportunities.

Boyfriend: My boyfriend left Google and started a new job at Toyota Research Institute in October. Unfortunately, the new job required him to move to Ann Arbor. It is temporary; he needs to help build the self-driving car team there. For a majority of our relationship, we were doing long distance. Sooooo I should be a pro at this by now. Yet, the last few months have been absolutely brutal. He will be back in the bay permanently at the end of March. He’s flown home every single month so I’ve seen him fairly often (as regularly as one can in a LDR). But it still sucks when he’s not here. I think I’m ready for marriage. I’ve reached that point in my life and our relationship where it is what my heart desires. We discuss this a lot and we’re on the same page. Ann Arbor throws a wrench into things but hopefully this year will be the year. We miss each other so much it’s probably unhealthy.

Weather: Yes, I’m going to give an update on the weather because it’s been ridiculous. The bay is caught in another torrential rainstorm. It’s been raining cats and dogs…and bunnies and horses and I can go on. I miss the Sun and blue skies. Pretty sure this whole drought business is taken care of now so could you please give us some sunshine, Mother Nature?

Birthday: At last, I’m going to post about my birthday last week! My boyfriend came home for 5 days to celebrate it. He couldn’t be here for my actual birthday because of work but I’m grateful I still got to see him. He planned everything! He made dinner reservations for Thursday night and kept the restaurant a surprise. I knew it was going to be on the fansay side since he told me to dress up. When we walked up to the restaurant I was blown away. It was Benu! (!!) It has THREE Michelin stars. Literally the best and most expensive meal of my life. My boy also made plans for the weekend but we had to scratch them due to the rain (boo!). Watch out for birthday photos coming soon!

Valentine’s Day: Since le boyfriend is in Ann Arbor and he spent so much money and time celebrating my birthday, it seemed silly to do anything for Valentine’s Day. It’s a Hallmark holiday anyway. :P I actually had dinner with a girlfriend on Valentine’s Day (or shall I say Galentine’s Day?). I haven’t seen her in a year and we caught up with one another’s lives. She’s getting married in April! That doesn’t help with my wedding frenzy. Lol

Hope everyone is doing well! Keep your heads up and continue to stand up for love, kindness, and equality.