i need to stop looking at your facebook

My roommate pets my cheek until I wake up.
She has skin as white as shaved ice
and unplucked eyebrows that furrow as she whispers:
“I’m sorry for your loss.”
-
It’s seven a.m.  I haven’t lost anything except sleep.
She says, “The way they just killed him at a traffic stop.
It isn’t right, it isn’t right.
I’m sorry.
If you need anything, please let me know.
It’s heartbreaking.”
Her eyes, which have been scanning my room,
land on mine as she cracks the word heartbreaking, 
as if to emphasize
NotAllWhitePeopleNotAllWhitePeopleNotMe.
-
I wonder if she followed the shootings
before she started living with a black girl.
I wonder if she looked up the article herself
or saw a headline in a Facebook post.
I wonder if she marched.
I wonder if, like me,
her only form of activism is rescue dogs.
-
Oh honey, I wanted to say.  I’ve stopped counting my dead.
-
I’ve woken up with a pit in my stomach so many days
that the pit is my stomach.
If she asks me – and I know that she will ask me,
earnestly, with wide eyes that soak up every word
and shoulders hunched forward in forced sympathy –
how it feels to live with a target on my back
in America,
I won’t know what to say.
I could give her books.
But no, she needs to hear it from me,
a black person with hair she can touch and a heartbeat she can feel:
She can prove I am human.
I am today’s porcelain doll picked from her careful collection
of black friends,
asked to educate.
-
But it is seven a.m.,
and another black man is dead,
and I have not figured out whether this new death has
cracked through my numbness.
I have not decided whether to sit vigil or light a funeral pyre.
-
And there she is, with her lower lip poked out,
Heartbreaking,
and she wants to know what she can do.
I have run out of things to tell her.
When I pull the blankets over my head and fill my eyes with darkness,
she thinks it’s because I am in mourning.
—  Morning, Again.
Things Mali would say #3
  • Rasputin: out of my way, Malistaire.
  • Rasputin: quit trying to kill everybody, Malistaire.
  • Malistaire the undying: Stop ordering me around or I'll staple your face to your rear end.
  • Morganthe: Hey, I need some new music and I was wondering if you have any recommendations?
  • Malistaire the undying: the internet.
  • Ambrose: Oh look what I found on Cyrus's Facebook!
  • Malistaire: a friend.
  • Malistaire: burn.
  • Old Cob: no no malistaire, leave Morganthe to fall into the void!
  • Malistaire the undying: I will after I impale her eye with the young wizards wand.
  • Malistaire the undying: I'm Malistaire Drake holding 2 fucking girls arms.
  • Sylvia: Malistaire! Please...come home!
  • Malistaire the undying: I will...after I get the last poptart in 711.
  • Cyrus: DID YOU JUST EAT THAT WHOLE PINEAPPLE WITHOUT EVEN PEELING IT?!
  • Malistaire: yes.
  • Rasputin: Bitch, who the fuck are you calling a furry?
  • Malistaire the undying: the one who's shadow form is a fucking rat.

the past is
the past is passed.
and i know i need to stop
looking through the binoculars backwards,
but for some reason
i keep seeing little flecks of you
in the glass when i look through my windshield, 
and i wonder if it’s your reflection from behind me. 

i see you laughing. i want to 
be the reason for that laugh,
to be next to you so i can hear it.
but i know it’s
something she said
that’s so funny,
and that you’ve already forgotten
the way i snort when i laugh.
she doesn’t snort when she laughs.
i wonder if you like that better. 

i wonder if  you wish you could hear me
laughing too. 
i wonder if you’ll see a photo of me in a hot air balloon
in August and wish you had been there to hold my  hand
as i looked over the edge because you know 
my fear of falling 
from great heights.

—  checking up on an ex will only bring pain, i promise. // a.s.m
3

Posted this on Facebook after seeing yet another former coworker engaging in fatphobic nonsense.

“I am so sick and tired of seeing so many people’s hang ups and internalized fat phobia. You really and honestly think a PIXAR character that portrays a CHILD is wondering Why they don’t look good in a bikini? Do you ever stop and think what you’re doing and saying isn’t harmful and exclusionary?

Here’s my big, FAT pale ass in a bikini. If you don’t like it, delete me. I don’t need your toxicity in my life.”

hey amorphoussquare can you explain to me why after emotionally manipulating me to the point where i was completely dependent on you, making me feel like complete shit when i cut you out of my life, and using attention seeking tactics such as saying you were killing yourself just to get a response out of me (when it was obvious you had no real intentions of doing so), why after ALL OF THAT which happened MONTHS AGO, you fucking bought me something from my wishlist (your name was on the bill which was printed 3/23) and THEN when i had my friend message you on facebook about it (since im blocked, it was a message i typed out and she sent stating it was from me) saying how its creepy and you need to stop and ect, you blocked her? can you just explain this to me? since you cant do it privately maybe this will give you the attention you’re obviously looking for from me.