a letter to everyone who’s ever hurt me;
i am so god damn tired of hearing “you did nothing wrong, you deserve better, you deserve so much love, i don’t deserve you.” it is engraved in my fucking head. i want to rip out my teeth and slam them into your heart so you know how it feels to cough up broken pieces of a person you once loved. because you shoved all of these words down my throat and i was convinced, maybe for once, someone felt it too. it’s like putting money in a machine, fuel me and make me work and I’ll confine to your needs. give me happiness and I’ll give you all my love. with one smile i will give you my ribs, with one touch, one call, i will personally rip my heart out with my bare hands and place it right into yours and I’ll do you a favor and ignore your trembling hands and instead, I’ll shoot you with a, “hey, how ya doing? haven’t talked to you in a while!” text cause i have never been one for subtlety or expressing how i feel. “im sorry. you deserve more, you don’t deserve that, you deserve so much love!” then why does this keep happening to me? if i deserve more, why is all of my love one sided? unrequited? why is my heart layered in stitches and still im the one who always gives. if you are so sorry why in the fuck do you keep letting me crash and burn? why in the fuck did you think it was okay to tell me you loved me and then not speak a word to me for three fucking months? i have always been one to remember everything and i remember the way your lips felt on mine for the very first time and how i was so in shock i couldn’t even kiss back but i swear to fucking god i felt my veins turn into fireworks and my body into a land mine and with one more touch i thought that i just mightve exploded and jesus fuck i don’t even know how you feel and i have destroyed myself pondering over it and they tell you that their touch means forever but all i can think about is you telling me i deserve better but if i deserve so much more why will no one reach out and give it to me? i am choking on water and drowning in my own house because i gave you the key and i trusted you with all i had but when you walked away you left the faucets on and i wondered why i just couldn’t stop crying. i think you slammed the door too hard, i think my water bill is too high, i don’t even bother to wipe my eyes because all i can think about is your smile and how it made me feel like i was finally safe but all i ever am is somewhere for people to go when they need to take refuge, and i am never a permanent home, just a quick little stop, a let’s take a break, unwind and ruin the foundation kind of stop. an “oh its okay it’ll only hurt a bit” kind of stop, an “i love you.” kind of stop but i always love more, so can you stop? i can’t stop bleeding, i can’t stop scratching myself raw, i can’t stop screaming because all i am good for is always loving more and i am so beyond tired of hearing how i deserve better, maybe i don’t want better, maybe i am ready for a fight, maybe i am fragile and gentle and cry all the time over the smallest thing because one bad thing just sends my heart crumbling but i want a love that rips me apart and maybe im already in pieces but i really wouldn’t mind if you turned me black and blue because i swear to god, no matter what, im always going to love more so i might as well just see how much i can take before i collapse on the floor and i am so tired of always being the one with the brave face and im tired of forgiving without even a slight trace of an apology and i don’t even give a shit that you don’t talk to me anymore because maybe i did deserve more and maybe i finally found it but im afraid this fire is unrequited too and i am so tired of burning one second and being ice cold the next and all i need is consistency but i get summer days filled with winter nights and i am sorry for always loving more. I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen but we all know that is a god damn lie because my hearts already prepped and ready for the next gaping chest i see. // i think that’s my problem, im always one to give without them even asking for anything but i cannot stop stitching up soldiers in a war i wasn’t even drafted in.