Hi :) so I have just finished Palo Alto which was amazing and a really different dynamic to Remus/Sirius which I loved! In one of the authors notes it said that you are ace? And I was just wondering if it isn't to personal how you knew? Cause I related to Sirius a bit in your story and have been trying to work it out for a while so just wondered if you had any advice at all? Ta x
Hi there! Thanks for the ask, and thank you so much for the kind words about Palo Alto! I’m happy to hear that you enjoyed the story and were able to relate to Sirius and his journey.
Yes, I identify as asexual, and I’m always down to chat about ace stuff. I feel your struggle! There’s not a ton of great information out there since it’s something that no one talks about. There’s also a lot of false information out there, equating libido, sexual activity, and attraction rather than allowing them to exist separately.
As for how I knew… in some ways I always knew, and in some ways I was clueless. I definitely knew I didn’t find people attractive in the same ways that my friends and people the media seemed to, but honestly, I just thought everyone else was exaggerating about how sprung they got whenever they saw someone hot. Whoops.
My main advice would be to read, read, read! Asexuality Archive and the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) are good places to start. They’re not perfect, but they have clear-cut definitions and well thought out articles.
Don’t stress about finding the perfect label. Asexuality is a spectrum, not a strict code of behavior. If a more specific label is helpful to you, then that’s great! But if you find it too overwhelming or nitpicky to quantify your sexual and romantic attraction, then don’t worry about it.
Don’t worry about changing your mind later. Maybe in a year, five years, ten years, thirty years, or tomorrow, you decide that asexual isn’t the right term for you. That’s cool. You can change your mind. At the end of the day, the only person you’ve got to answer to is yourself.
Ignore the negative discourse. Don’t engage, don’t give it any attention. Just block that shit and move on to positive, supportive content.
Don’t be afraid to start chatting with other ace-spec folks! I’ve had very positive experiences here on Tumblr. Personally, I’m always happy to answer questions or have a friendly discussion.
Other ace-spec folks, feel free to add on with advice or resources!