Everything to me (Simon Request)
The tweets were endless. Mentions of you not being good enough for him. Tagging you in photos where Simon was without you. Saying he was happier then. Anything you tweeted yourself would get hate. If you even thought about replying to a tweet from your boyfriend, they’d all attack you with their words once again. It was easier to stay clear of all of it. But Simon claimed you shouldn’t have to do that.
Disabling his comments hadn’t helped. It only fuelled their hatred claiming that ‘you had made him do this’. They said that things were so different since you had been with him. And you were scared that now you were beginning to admit it might be true.
You looked at yourself in the mirror and couldn’t see anything good anymore. You hadn’t felt like this in a while. Not since you had Simon. He made you forget about all of your insecurities. But now that had changed. Those comments and those tweets had changed it.
You now saw how your stomach wasn’t completely flat. You didn’t have the shadows of ab muscles forming or a gap between your legs that was somehow aspirational. You had skin on your thighs that was definitely unwanted and you couldn’t fit into the size six like the models could. Your cheeks were chubby from never really losing your baby feature and you couldn’t wear a crop top comfortably in the summer.
Every time your eyes skimmed over your body you seemed to find more and more features that you didn’t like. That you despised.
You hadn’t mentioned anything to your boyfriend. He knew that their words had affected you but not this much. Not so much that you couldn’t even look at yourself in the mirror anymore. To the point where you had considered leaving him just because it would make him happier. You cared about him more than anything and if you were stopping him from being himself, you would be the one to change that. Of course, he had never said to you that you had done anything to make him feel like that but the millions of subscribers had pressured you into believing it.
“(Y/n)?” Simon calls when he evidently walks into the room and you jolt your head towards the bathroom door just to make sure it was closed.
There were tears in your eyes now and he couldn’t see you like this.
“I’m in here” You reply loud enough for him to hear even with a croak in your voice.
“Hey babe” He chirps and you can see the cute smile on his face, “Do you wanna film a video with me and the guys? We’re thinking of starting a new series”
“Umm hang on a second” You quickly respond, tugging down the material of your ‘Sugg Life’ jumper that hung oversized on your body, “What were you thinking of doing?” You ask, closing the door behind you and going to find a pair of jeans or joggers that didn’t necessarily hug your legs as much…
“Like random games or GTA or dead by daylight and stuff but with you in it. Basically just us teaching you how to play” He explains happily, “You in?”
“I don’t know Simon, I’m not feeling too great” You lie, grabbing a pair of joggers and pulling them over your legs.
“Were you sick?” He frowns with evident concern, the smile slipping from his lips.
“No no I just… I’m gonna go lie down for a while” You nod, “I’ll go in the spare room”
“Don’t be silly, you can stay in here” He assures you, “Everyone knows you live here anyway”
“Its okay” You force a smile onto your lips, leaning up to kiss his cheek, “Enjoy filming”
You don’t notice how worried Simon looks as you walk away. You just felt so enclosed that you had to get out.
I was concerned now. Something wasn’t right. And as my thumb clicked onto twitter, I could tell why. Her mentions were full of hate. And these were only the ones I had been tagged in. She must’ve seen so much more. Tweet after tweet pushing more and more negative thoughts into her mind. And none of them were true. I loved my viewers but did they really have to be like this? I could only imagine how upset she was. She was sensitive even if she didn’t admit it.
And with this, I couldn’t blame her.
‘Kill yourself you fat bitch’
‘Haven’t seen Simon look so fed up since I started watching him. It’s her’
‘She needs to start using those fat legs of hers and walk out’
‘Who the fuck even thinks Simon likes this girl?’
‘I feel bad for Simon. He must be desperate if he’s with that fat fuck’
The anger bubbled in my stomach until the controller I had been planning on using to use for filming goes flying across the room and crashes against the wall.
“I was gonna ask if you were gonna join the call but that can wait” Josh starts, leaning against the wall of my room, “What’s going on?”
“I need to talk to (y/n)” I sigh, getting up, “Record without me yeah?”
“Sure but, are you sure everything’s okay?”
“No, but I just need to speak to her,” I nod and head outside, going straight to the spare room.
You were sat on the bed with your laptop on your legs, replying to some emails from work and generally just catching up on a few things when Simon came in.
“I thought you were filming” You frown.
“Nope” He shrugs, reaching out his hand, “Come here”
“What are you doing?” You question as he lifts you up to stand.
“You’re coming with me beautiful” He mentions simply, leading you out of the room and downstairs.
“Babe what’s wrong with you?” You chuckle slightly as he hands you a pair of shoes and slips on his own.
He leads you silently to the car and you climb inside without protest even if you didn’t feel up to it.
It was dark outside now. The clear sky forming a sheet of stars above the house and the moon reflecting the past light of the sun.
Simons hand doesn’t leave yours as he drives and you keep your eyes focused on his adorable face with his glasses perched on his nose. They were right. You didn’t deserve him.
He soon parks up and you notice he’s taken you to the top of a cliff where the pair of you had gone after a date before. It was the place of your first kiss.
“Why are we here?” You frown and he sits down on a large rock with you beside him.
“So I saw those tweets” He starts, fingers absentmindedly playing with yours.
“Si-” You start
“And I know they would’ve upset you” He comments with all too much truth, “And I don’t know where to start (y/n)”
“You don’t have to” You shake your head, feeling guilty now.
“They mean nothing babe” He states simply, “I don’t give a fuck about 140 characters on a tweet. I don’t give a fuck about your mentions. I don’t give a fuck if they say it every single day. I only care about it affecting you. Because it shouldn’t”
“Its endless Simon. Every single thing I do they seem to have something against” You look down, “I’m starting to think they’re telling the truth”
“Bullshit” He states simply, “They could say a thousand things and it wouldn’t matter. They could say a million times that you’re not good enough or whatever and I still wouldn’t care”
“Look at me Simon” You exclaim, “There’s Sarah and Freya and Katie and Kay and Emily and then there’s me. I’m not beautiful like them, I can’t take a selfie that I look good in. Hell, I don’t even take photos on my own. I don’t look good in tight clothes, I always just wear sweats. Im nothing compared to them”
“(Y/n), do you remember when we first met? Because I do. 3 years ago. You were at the restaurant and you served us. I remember you said something about JJ and it made all of us laugh. And we spent the night chatting to you because by the time we left, it was hours after you should’ve closed. And I remember every time you walked away I realised more and more how beautiful you were. You liked sport even if you did prefer rugby and you liked video games especially gta and you had this fascinating life outside of that small restaurant that I was mesmerised by the more and more you spoke. You were stunning in your simplicity. You didn’t need makeup or perfectly done hair. You were you and to me, that was everything. And that’s not going to change”
You have tears in your eyes now. Simon was never one to speak like that.
“Think of it this way” He nods, squeezing your hand, “I fell in love with you and that’s what should matter, don’t let my viewers stop you from remembering that”
“Thank you” You mutter, the tears threatening to slip from your eyes as they built up more and more.
“Don’t cry babygirl” He whispers, the pad of his thumb wiping under your eyes quickly, “We all have these days. Yours just aren’t necessary” He chuckles and you smile.
“We should probably get back. You have filming to do right?” You sigh, knowing moments like these never lasted long.
“YouTube can wait”