October will be my month.
I’ve got it all planned out. I was still new to this in September. I had no idea what I was doing. Honestly all I knew was that I’m fat and I need to lose weight. The only way I knew to do it was to starve myself. But I didn’t do it in a smart way. I would restrict too hard and then nearly faint, then go home and binge.
Now I know how to do this better. And I will own October. And the rest of the year. And next year.
I have everything planned out. A whole calender for October. How many calories I’ll eat every day, “meal” plans (in progress), thinspo printed out and glued into my notebook to keep me motivated, etc.
I will not binge this month no matter what.
And I’m not going to give myself the rest of this month. I’m just starting October, 5 days ahead. Taking this last bit of September to go ahead and prepare myself to actually lose weight.
I’ll continue to learn and lose more and more. I’ll get smarter and lose weight faster. No one will be able to keep up. I’ll barely be able to keep up. I’ll shrink too small for all my clothes and have to wear belts and use rubber bands and pins to tighten clothes enough to where they’re wearable. I won’t spend money on food so I’ll save all of it for new clothes. Soon enough I’ll be tiny and small with a new wardrobe. No one will recognize me.
Except for myself. I will be the only one who recognizes me. Everyone one else has known me as the fat girl my entire life. But I look at myself in the mirror and see someone who is not me. I know somewhere on the inside, I’m a tiny skinny girl that everyone wishes they could be as beautiful as. No one knows this but me, so they won’t recognize me when I finally break out of this disgustingly fat shell. When I’m thin, I’ll finally be able to look in the mirror and recognize myself. I’ll see myself and not some fat freak that’s trapped the real me inside of their disgusting should-be hollow shell. I’ll shed that shell, I’ll get rid of every single bit of that mess until it’s fighting to keep me locked inside.
Right now it doesn’t even know I’m trying to get rid of it. It doesn’t even know that I know about it. As far as it knows, I still believe that’s actually me. It thinks that I don’t know it’s just a shell. It thinks that I think that it’s really me. That I’m just going through life content with it. Living as this disgusting fat girl without any purpose besides getting fatter and fatter.
But I do know. And it will know that I know soon too. I’ll start losing weight too fat for it to even keep up. This shell that’s been holding me as its prisoner my entire life will start fighting to stop me. That’s what makes me want to binge. The shell growing a conscience and invading my real brain. It tries to make me think I’m hungry and tries to make me eat because it knows if I actually lose weight, I’ll lose the shell and the shell will die. But I’ll fight 10 times as hard against it. I’ll be way too strong for it to even think about continuing to try anymore. It will give up and wait for its death. I’ll never binge. I’ll keep control. I won’t let it defeat me anymore. It’s ruined the first 16 years of my life. I’m taking myself back and throwing the shell away and I won’t let it control my life anymore.