i need to keep those thoughts to myself

Kind of proud of myself for today...

Yesterday (Saturday 21/01/17) I had a headspace melt down and depression took over my mind, I stayed on my bed/in my bedroom most of the day. Today (Sunday), I was determined to not let those thoughts and worries of my life keep a hold of me. It’s just gone midnight on Sunday evening and I’m laying here in bed feeling proud of myself for how I handled today. I didn’t let the thoughts defeat me, I came up with a plan in my head, used it effectively and matched that with keeping myself busy. I worked through my to-do list, spent time with family, spoke to my girlfriend throughout the day and kept my depression under control.

What I need to constantly remember is that not everyday is perfect, some will be near that and others will just be a case of getting through the day. What counts is that I enjoy the small things, the things that make me smile, the moments that are enjoyable. Then when things seem bad, use those memories to aid me through. It’s all a process, this journey is a process, just as life is a process really…✌🏼💕

So this is the challenge I have given myself, want to join in? I made a small one, just to start off with, because I need to ease into it. the idea of the challenge is to start with the first thing and then continue that for the remaining days of the challenge. like keeping your room tidy for 10 days, or keeping to your study plan, and night/morning routine. Well yeah, you get the drill. Here is some thoughts I made myself when I created the challenge:

1) This is to start things of fresh. Fr the next 10 days I plan on setting a timer on 5 min each morning and spend those few minutes making my bed and tidying my room.
2) This is a studyblr, and whats a studyblr without a study plan? :P I’m making sure I never plan for more then 5 hours of studying each day. And that my goals are plausible by the end of the 10 days.
3) I will be doing this to prepare my mind and body for sleep. Washing my face, applying moisturiser, do a quick stretch and no cellphone,ipad,computer at least 30 min before I go to sleep.
4) My morning routine will consists of drinking a glass of water while I waite for my tea, grab some breakfast and make sure I eat either a piece of fruit or a vegetable. 
5) Getting up early. Like a lot of successful people around the world I plan to get up bright and early, and get s**t done. I’m trying this for 5 days to see what effect it will have on my productivity. I’m starting this challenge so that those 5 days fall within the week days.
6) I really like the mindfullness apps, and my absolute favorite is “headspace”, 10 minutes to relax your brain.
7) Reading something not  school related for 30 minutes the remaining days.
8) Go for a walk. During your lunch break, or when you need a study break. 10 minutes in one direction, and then 10 minutes to walk back. 
9) Go offline for a day, Disconnect from the world and focus on you and your work, and dont let yourself get distracted.
10) Make a motivation collage to use as inspiration for your future studies. Reflect on the last 10 days, what was good, what was difficult, and did you manage to get up at 05:00?? 

Link for printable version:  https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B0G5JxeNcPPZclNQcC1ybkhzMUE/view?usp=sharing

I live for those moments, you know.

The moments when
I catch a glimpse of my reflection and smile because, wow, I’m beautiful.

The moments when
I’m at peace with myself and I think, “I don’t need anyone else’s love but my own to live.”

The moments when
I absolutely adore the sky and the atmosphere around me and every little cell in my body that is working to keep me alive.

—  I live for the moments when I realize, I love myself // c.j.j.

I finished watching Dan & Phil Play Undertale the other day (and I lowkey love the game although I probably could never play it,) but the thing that keeps coming back to me is I REALLY WANT TO TRY BUTTERSCOTCH CINNAMON PIE. Like, I legit had a dream last night where I was trying to make it but couldn’t get all the ingredients. I went to a grocery store today and walked past some pie shells (which 99% of the time I wouldn’t even notice,) and immediately thought, “Oh, I need that!”

So one of these days I’m gonna follow one of those online recipes and make myself some butterscotch cinnamon pie, because it sounds delicious.

I am tired.
Tired of doing everything by the book,
only to be told that I lack inspiration.
Tired of trying to satisfy the needs of those around me,
only to be faced with closed doors.
Tired of giving my very best,
only to be taken for granted.
Tired of trying to smile,
even when tears have formed in my eyes.
I am tired.
Just tired of trying.
And even though I promise.
I promise, I will keep on moving,
keep waking up,
keep giving the best that I have.
Only for tonight,
let me lose myself in the darkness of the night,
and cry tears as many as the stars of the sky.
—  Tired by Iris
Not again
This sudden overwhelming, emotion churning tidal wave has returned
And it no longer keeps me warm like it once did
Nor does it make me smile
This feeling, it hasn’t come about for years
At least, not with you
There’ve been those inbetween then and now, for a few wistful weeks or months
But not like with you, never quite the same rush that you’d give me
And I could kick myself for it, I was over you and I’d moved on
Or at least I thought I had
I don’t need this
I don’t want this
But I can’t stop
And I don’t know if I want to
You’re beginning to fill my thoughts like you once did, the memory of your smile, the sound of your laugh and how you hold yourself in that goddamn hoodie of yours floods my minds eye
A simple gesture is all it takes
A fleeting touch
And my hearts a blazing fire
As my stomach becomes a storm
With your eyes in the very centre
You know, for all my depressing and suicidal-thought rambling, I’m certain that I do not want to die. Only in my wrong mind do I get those cravings. I have this curiosity for what happens next. And as I ramble and complain about how each day is the same, the world is changing around me. It’s the anticipation that gets to me. The older I get the more I cant stand waiting, I realize. Waiting for vacations, waiting to quit my job, waiting for the inevitable. Knowing that I need to make moves, and sort of knowing what they are but I keep myself from learning/seeing what’s right in front of me. I’ve always been best at lying to myself, ever since before I can remember. That’s what makes lying to others so easy.
—  AN , Troofs #1
Tragedy blows through your life like a tornado, uprooting everything, creating chaos. You wait for the dust to settle, and then you choose. You can live in the wreckage and pretend it’s still the mansion you remember. Or you can crawl from the rubble and slowly rebuild. Because after disaster strikes, the important thing is that you move on. But if you’re like me, you just keep chasing the storm. (pause) The problem with chasing the storm is that it wears you down, breaks your spirit. Even the experts agree, a girl needs closure.
— 

Veronica Mars, 1x03, Meet John Smith

A few days after finishing the final episode of Life is Strange, I decided to watch some Veronica Mars, trying to distract myself from all those feels.

Then I came across this quote, and damn. It’s spot on for describing my thoughts for Life is Strange.

Veronica Mars herself feels like a combination of Max and Chloe. Inquisitive to a fault, supremely snarky, skilled with photography, and constantly getting drawn into situations that are a lot darker than she realized at first.

(Damn it DONTNOD, I can’t do anything now without it reminding me of Life is Strange!)

What if....

I’ve been watching Sense 8 on Netflix, which I happen to enjoy a lot but I can’t binge watch it because it’s one of those shows I need to let sink in for a few days, so I’m not done with the show yet. Anyways, I keep thinking to myself - “My, God, wouldn’t it be marvelous if they did a show with eight people who have different disabilities and can experience each other’s world through either an enhanced or lack of a particular sense?” Can you imagine a blind person who loses their speech but is suddenly able to see and has no means of conveying what is seen? Or a hard of hearing person who wakes up one morning and suddenly hears EVERYTHING but is rendered blind and is therefore terrified because they can’t understand what’s being heard?

I honestly don’t know why none of the eight people on the show have a noticeable disability. That would’ve been profound.

But I’m just thinking out loud. Maybe I could write something like that. I’d have to have other people share their experiences though.

Or not.

34623) I’ve made so much progress but still have so many symptoms. Sometimes those symptoms make me feel so hopeless. I don’t know if I’ll ever get fully better. But I just need to remind myself that for years I restricted and counted absolutely everything and if I went above a certain threshold I’d eat ridiculous amounts of food. I have some control and reason now. I need to keep seeing that. I never thought I’d make it this far. I just hate that it still has so much power over me.

@The Walking Dead Writers

I really hope that when we look back on Season 5 it’s going to be one of those things that needs to be looked at as an entire season rather than a per episode type thing. Right now, every episode feels really disjointed, like were missing pieces and I hope that’s due to the larger picture that’s playing out. I keep having to remind myself to allow Gimple & Co the room to experiment with techniques in case this is a situation where they are trying something new but it just isn’t resonating. I just hope that me allowing this room for creativity isn’t in vain and it will follow through with a much larger, and very surprising and beautiful picture. I will say it is very difficult to hold out hope when things have been so rocky this season. But they are apparently proud of it, so I’m hoping with the few remaining episodes left I can be proud of this being my favorite show again.