i need to control myself ok

my worst issue is that I can’t handle things when they’re going wrong. I can’t handle myself when something in my life isn’t right. I kill myself mentally each time I do something wrong because I know it’s my fault that things are the way they are. I need to work on controlling myself when things are going wrong, and not letting them control me. I need to learn how to take a step back and take a deep breath. I need to learn how to accept things before I can fix them, and if I’ve tried my best to fix them and they’re still not a-ok? i still need to keep my shit together and not have a mental breakdown.

So, That’s a ‘No’Then?  (part 5/?) (Avengers x reader)

Ask and you shall receive, lovelies.  I think probably one more chapter to go.



“Steve, my heart is beating out of my chest.”  He grabbed your arm and helped you to lie on the couch. “It’s getting harder to breathe. I need to sit up.”  Closing your eyes, you tried to relax but it wasn’t helping at all.  The more you tried to relax, the more anxious you became.  

Tony was already on the phone with 911.  ‘If you don’t have an ambulance here within 5 minutes, I’m flying her in myself, you got me?”  

“Baby, just try to focus on your breathing, ok.  Slow down.  In…Out…In…Out…” Steve was trying to control his own breathing as much as yours. You had a tight grip on your husband’s hand, his fingers turning white from your strength.  The sounds of sirens were coming up the drive as Tony ran to the door to let them in.    

“(Y/N)?  (Y/N)?” Your heart was racing too fast and your breathing too rapid and shallow.  To save itself, your body finally just let you rest, and you fainted as Steve watched helplessly.  He picked you up, running to meet the ambulance before they even had the chance to get their doors open.

~~~

“This is all your fault, Rogers.“

“You don’t even know what’s going on, Stark, so don’t act like you’re all high and mighty here.”

“I had things under control until you showed up-“

“Excuse me, but you two are going to be asked to leave if you don’t lower your voices immediately.”

“Sorry.”

“Yes, ma’am, sorry.”

You were slowly starting to wake, but hearing them argue was just more reason for you to go back to sleep.  Let some one else deal with them for a change.

“She needs to come back to the tower where I can take care of her.”

“Oh, you mean like you’ve been taking care of her so far?  Yeah, you’ve done a bang-up job with that.  She can stay at the house, I’ll hire help.”

“Tony, she’s my wife-“

“Well, you sure as hell haven’t been acting like it!”

“Gentlemen. Out.”

 ~~~

A few minutes later your nurse walked into your room, smiling and carrying several medications in her hand for you.  “Good morning, (Y/N)!  I must say, you look much better today than when you came in last night.”

“Thanks.  I do feel better, but I’m just so tired.”  Sitting up slightly, your head began to spin a bit and your face grew pale.  You quickly laid back against the pillow.

“Woah, slow down, honey.”  The nurse moved to your side, taking your heart rate.  “Yeah, still a bit fast.  I have medications here for you that should help.”

You had closed your eyes, trying to get the dizziness to go away.  “So, what’s the word…” you glanced at her name badge “…Elizabeth?  I haven’t been awake to talk to a doctor yet.  I assume my husband and brother have been updated?”

She let out a hearty laugh at that.  “Oh, you mean the wonder twins out there?  Those boys are nothing but trouble.  I had to kick them out of here last night!”

“Oh, I heard.  I wasn’t about to open my eyes in front of them.  I don’t have it in me, and I didn’t bring my guns.”  Elizabeth’s eyes opened wide at that, momentarily forgetting who she was talking to.  “So, what happened to me last night?”

She opened up your chart, reviewing the information before turning to you to speak.  “We’ve done scans of your brain, your heart, your lungs, and your belly, along with an ultrasound of the baby.  So far everything has been totally normal.”  She was quiet again for a moment, reading further.  “It looks like a pretty severe panic attack.  Do you or does anyone in your family have problems with anxiety?”

After two days, they finally let you go home.

~~~

With a long flight and long drive from the airport, Tony’s car finally pulled up in front of the tower.  Two guards took your luggage as Steve carried you in and up to your shared room.   You rested your head on his shoulder as he walked, still tired and now medicated to keep you calm.

“Hey, doll.  Should I help you change into something that’s more comfortable for bed?”  You slowly nodded your head, your eyelids growing heavy.  After helping you into your pajamas, he exited to the bathroom to clean up and then to join you as you slept.

Steve had been remarkably attentive to you since the incident in Malibu, completely terrified that you would have another attack without him there to help you.  He had barely left your side for more than a moment or two, and when we was away he made sure that Tony would be there in his place.

But you still hadn’t found a chance to talk.  The sedatives were now making your brain a little groggy, but despite the fatigue, you needed to try.  “Steve?  Are we able to talk for a bit?”  He moved to lay down next to you, pulling you closer to him so your head rested on his chest. He smelled like his favorite soap and his skin was still warm from his shower.  Staying awake now would be even more difficult.

“Steve, I need you to be honest with me.  I need you to tell me what has been going on between us.  I have to know before I can continue to move forward.”  You let out a long yawn and curled up tighter into his chest, your arm draped over him.

He lifted a hand to his face, rubbing his cheek and chin. With a small groan he began to try to explain.  “Babe, I’m scared.  I’m absolutely terrified.  I grew up with more illnesses than I could count on both hands.  I was underweight, I was shorter than everyone my age all thru childhood and even as an adult.  I was bullied, I was beaten, I was told I couldn’t do so many things because of my conditions.”  You moved with his chest as he took a deep breath in and out.  “I can’t get these thoughts out of my head.  What if I’ve put this on our baby?  I have no way to know if the serum altered my genes at all to protect him…or her.  When we were talking about starting a family, it was just talk and I thought we had more time for me to figure this out.  But suddenly we were in the middle of it, and I guess I got lost in my fears.”

His hand was now gently moving up and down your arm as he spoke. He leaned down and kissed the top of your head and brushed the hair from your face.  “I didn’t realize how bad I had gotten until that night in the gym. I never want to lose my temper like that in front of you, and shouldn’t have that night.  It took seeing you holding a gun to me to see what I had done to you.  When you left, I panicked.”  

He tucked his arm under you and pulled you even closer to him, so there was no room left at all between you.  You were quietly crying to yourself as he spoke, and tears were now on his chest.  “Hey, are you okay?”

“Mmm hmm.” you gave him a small nod.  “Go ahead, I’m ok.”

“Sweetheart, I was never more scared of anything than when I was carrying you to that ambulance.  Not the war, not HYDRA, not even putting that plane in the water.  I can’t imagine…” he put a hand over his eyes and paused.  “I need you…I need both of you…to be ok.”

He leaned over to turn off the light, feeling your body relax as you began to give in to sleep.

“I guess I’m still the same guy after all.”  

If ageing is contributing to my growing sense of complete comfort in myself, my abilities and my goals then I’m happy to be one year older today. I honestly cannot picture a time before my move to Melbourne, where I felt like I was in complete (as much as is humanly possible) control of my life, or so assured of the way in which I present myself to the world. I’m content knowing what I still need to work on. I’m more passionate about shared experiences, to see things through other people’s eyes or to introduce them to something new. I’m ok with sitting still on some days, but more willing to cram my days with activity for fear of missing out. I’m relieved to discover that I am full of passion, that it is possible to feel strong emotions, to feel compelled to make or do something that I might want to share with others. Knowing who you want in your life and who you don’t is also a comfort, and I hope i no longer pander to the types who should get the boot. 

This song was recently shared with/gifted to me and it’s all I want to listen to right at this moment. 

Ok, I’m finally watching the rest of this Hundred comic con stuff (I’m making an effort to write out “hundred” or “the hundred” more often in an attempt to help those struggling w the pronunciation of the name lol) and here are my thoughts:

- Isaiah Washington needs to shut the fuck up. Like he’s out of control. Making everything awkward. Interrupting everyone else. I found myself muting the tv a bunch of times, waiting until he was done. Was he on something? He wasn’t drunk but he cannot be totally clean and sober acting like that.

- The bigger part an actor has on the show, the less they talked on the panel. Eliza said nothing. Bob didn’t say much more. Marie not much more than either of them. Lindsey and Ricky both talked quite a bit, but half of that was flirting with each other.

- Lindsey and Ricky.. there’s definitely something going on there. Or could be very soon. I mean wtf.

- It’s always so funny to see how little the actors know/remember about the details of their own show. (Like when they couldn’t think of the trigedasleng word for gorilla.) Or when someone gets into a discussion about who did what and when, and one of them is wrong about a bunch of things. Like Gillian Anderson never remembers anything about The X-Files.

- Eliza’s interviews on her own were way better than most of the panel, but it was hilarious that, because she did most of them before the panel, she had to pretend that she didn’t know Alycia was coming back every time someone asked her about it. ..And she isn’t a good liar.

- I wish so badly that there was just ONE interview with Alycia about The 100 season 3. Just one.

- I wish much more that there was just one interview with Alycia and Eliza (and Jason maybe too), talking about not just clexa but the whole show. The Aussie accents.

- I love every single reaction Bob and Eliza have to even the mention of bellarke. Priceless. They hate it. Good.

- Jason is the best showrunner ever. End of.

I can’t find some of the interview stuff I’ve seen in gifs, though. I wish I could.

anonymous asked:

Ok I seriously need motivation. Can you tell me some serious cons to anorexia relapse? I feel myself wanting to restrict but I also so badly want to be done with this. Please help!

Certainly!

  1. You have the strength within you to stand up to the disordered thoughts and say, “not this time.”
  2. The urge to restrict is your eating disorder trying to regain its power over you.  Don’t let it win.
  3. You are in control of your recovery path.  Relapsing hands that control back to a vicious mental illness.  Hold on to the reins with everything you have.
  4. Restricting will never help you more than it will harm you.  You typed this message with your hands.  You read through it with your eyes.  You decided what to say with your brain.  Continuous restriction is more than capable of taking all of those abilities away from you.  Relapsing is not worth the mental and physical ramifications.
  5. Relapse is a slippery slope that you cannot guarantee will end on your terms.  It is not a risk you want to take.
  6. You do not deserve to spend another second of your life being sick.
  7. Feeding your body starves your disorder.
  8. You have come so far and accomplished so much.  Don’t let relapsing take the progress you’ve made away from you.
  9. Every time you deprive yourself of much-needed food, you are hindering your body from being the strong, healthy, amazing form it is meant to be. Don’t damage the only body you’ll ever have.  Very few things are more valuable.

These are just a few reasons why an RED relapse should be reconsidered.  It is now your job, anon, to turn motivation into determination.  Relapse is not inevitable.  You can be done with it, with the whole painful experience of an eating disorder, but that will not be accomplished through restriction.  Don’t decrease your intake.  You can beat this.  I believe in you. :)

just some encouraging words for myself:

I can do anything I set my mind to something which I prove to myself time and time again
I have a skill I can capitalize on I just need to practice and not give up
sometimes things are out of my control and that is okay
I am here to be better than my parents
I will make my own mistakes and not repeat theirs
I am my own person and I own myself
I have encouraged my own growth and I can encourage others to grow//////

meajoraswrath

replied to your post:

“Ok but seriously, if you think a person having a mental illness…”

:

Omg it’s so infantilizing though. Like yeah thanks for thinking I’m incapable of controlling myself and need to be treated like an infant who can’t take responsibility for their actions.Thinking mental illness is an excuse for bad behavior is ableist

THIS TIMES INFINITY

It is so super fucked up and gross and how the fuck has this become framed as not just ok but actually supportive??? HOW?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

It also is so super gross someone would look at a fictional character doing fucked abusive shit and say “oh this is a representation of mental illness! How positive to see that represented!” when ummm.. ???? SINCE WHEN HAS BEING SHITTY TO OTHERS AND ONLY THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF HAD ANYTHING AT ALL DO WITH MENTAL ILLNESS???? SINCE WHEN HAS SUGGESTING THAT BEEN POSITIVE?? 

anothervault

          ❛ What are tho– ? ❜

She didn’t finish the question before she answered it for herself.
Needless to say, she felt a pang on her chest when her blue orbs
fell upon the chains lying on the ground.

         ❛ I don’t need to be chained ! We’ve been
            through this. I can control myself, Scott,
            I promise I can. ❜

anonymous asked:

You know, the worst thing about them dropping a new single is when none of your friends are as 1DAF as I am :( I mean I wanna analyze this song - like have you heard how fucking great Niall sounds in that verse, and what are they singing about?! Fans? Could be mothers? I'm having discussions with myself :(

i know how you feel anon, i don’t have 1d af friends AT ALL. ok i mean I DO, but no one near me who i could actually meet up and talk with when needed. you can message me though if that helps, i’m here :). 

but YES, niall sounds absolutely fucking amazing, and so does harry, and liam. however my personal fave is louis’ vocals. i thought he could never sound as amazing as he does in no control, but i guess we have a winner in drag me down! but all in all i think this song is really great for all of their voices, and i can’t wait to hear it live!!!! and i kinda have a feeling that it could be about fans.

Poem: Universal Love
  • <p><b></b> Lately I haven't been here<p/><b></b> Not in my body, I've seen to lost care<p/><b></b> Float away on a cloud<p/><b></b> Maybe time travel, anywhere but now<p/><b></b> I've seem to run out of tissues<p/><b></b> For my many tears, I need to escape my issue<p/><b></b> I've seem to be yelling and screaming but nobody hears me<p/><b></b> They just laugh, or call me crazy<p/><b></b> Maybe.<p/><b></b> Maybe I am, but what are you?<p/><b></b> Sane?<p/><b></b> So I sit and meditate<p/><b></b> Trying to take control I refuse to let them dictate<p/><b></b> But life is controlless<p/><b></b> So I try to walk back to unconsciousness<p/><b></b> But instead I find myself back with the universe<p/><b></b> I can't go back, I'm too far in<p/><b></b> So all I can do is go deeper<p/><b></b> Deeper, and deeper<p/><b></b> Climax.<p/><b></b> I then wake up, but she's gone<p/><b></b> Its ok, cuz she's always with me<p/><b>By:</b> Me<p/></p>
Since I'm awake

I might as well make a list of all the shit I need/want to get done and/or accomplish.

-Get a good (ok decent) job
-Get a new vehicle
-Pay school loans
-Eat healthier
-Exercise
-Drink more water!
-Draw & Paint more
-Practice tattooing
-Learn more recipes
-Be a kinder, more outgoing person
-Appreciate Jon, my sister, & my parents
-Take control of my emotions
-Call my parents more often
-Talk to my friends more often
-Open myself up to new friendships
-Learn to drive standard

This is in no particular order, but it is longer than I expected lol. I honestly have just felt so lost, and unsure of a lot of things recently. I’ve had an overwhelming feeling of anxiousness when trying to do some of these things. I bottle up my emotions, and I don’t let anyone in. My boyfriend has been dealing with it recently, and I’m glad he’s stuck by me. I know it’s not something easy to handle. I just want to be comfortable with the person that I am, and strive to be a better version of myself. I really hope to accomplish everything that I’ve listed.

lovethatranscendshunger asked:

Comparability of a Leo and a libra (with a Gemini moon, Virgo rising)? I can't handle his affection sometimes but I also find it hard to control myself around him-- it makes it difficult to hold myself to boundaries! Both with time and with sexuality. Anyways what are your thoughts on this pairing?

ok so i’m guessing from your description that you’re the libra? because leos are verrryyyy affectionate, like all about the pda n stuff, always touchy feely which understandably grates on your nerves a bit because you need space, right? especially as an air sign because although you thrive in partnerships, you also value your freedom; it’s just a balancing act between the two (which is where the aptly named “scales” come in, ohoho…………anyways) and your gemini moon!!!! oh my god. yeah u need your space homie. there is a very magnetic force between leo and libra, though, so i definitely understand what you mean about being unable to control yourself. those two signs together are really unstoppable sometimes but you have to stand your ground and let them know that you need time for yourself. you should talk to him and make him understand that and make sure he knows that that doesn’t mean you like him any less, it just means that you need time to breathe.

My Dad just got denied for government insurance and now… Well I don’t know what to do. I no longer can go to therapy or get the meds I need to sleep or the meds I need for bipolar depression or birth control for my irregular periods and I’m freaking out. I’ve been telling myself for the past two months that it’s ok. I learn how to deal with this without medication and therapy. But in the back of my mind I always knew I wasn’t going to be without help for long… Now… I am and I don’t know what to do

Personal

Today after balancing out my expenses gas food clothes hair, with my parents I finally I have 1k of my own earned money in my account and I switched myself to the primary control of it today I just feel proud of how far I’ve come, even though I need so much more to pay for college but I’m learning how to be ok on my own and that’s ok I’m ok

isastairwhereisit respondeu a sua postagem “*whispers* I think I have 118 unread books… Ok, so as we know I’m not…”

I’ve got something ridiculous like ten times that many unread if it makes you feel better haha =p at least you’ve got more self control than me.

Ow… This makes me feel better but worried about you… Hahaha… But really, I need to control myself at least until I can buy a new shelf.

I love how nobody listens to me when I say things like “be careful with the second drawer in the fridge, if you don’t lift as you pull it falls off the track”

Like I hear myself being this controlling sounding bitch, but holycrap life would be nice if I didn’t need to spend so much energy fixing things that wouldn’t need fixed if I was heard. I just say things to make noise. Moms just make noise all the time to scare the predators away from their young.

Keep reading

.: This is a turn around point in my life. I relapsed and had to go to inpatient again but I needed it and Im done letting my self be so self destructive and out of control and holding it all in and letting it all fall apart. I refuse to let go. Im taking back my life and going back to using my skills and I WILL continue to learn and grow and heal and love even when im afraid or anxious or upset or depressed I WILL NEVER GIVE UP I will seek help faster and let my needs be known. I am so much stronger then i give myself credit for. I am beautiful and knowledgeable and strong. I will survive and I will be happy and if not happy then at least stable and ok.:.

I hate that feeling

That feeling when you’re sad and you have no idea why. You feel so fucking empty but nothing in particular happened. They ask you what’s wrong but you can’t explain. Or they don’t even ask you anything. I don’t know which one’s worse. It just feels like I miss someone I never met. Like I need someone who doesn’t need me. The loneliness hovers over me. It takes control of me. I don’t even care. I isolate myself on purpose. Sadness becomes my best and only friend. I start hating myself and I want everyone to leave me alone. At the same time, I want someone to hug me and to tell me that things will be ok. I hate that feeling. That feeling when you don’t even know what the fuck you’re feeling.

i still have my long term ups and downs but they are less earth shattering than they have been in the past. maybe it’s simply because i have lived for longer so each affects me proportionately less; i have more life experience to compare now. 

i’m sleeping at 5 am and waking well past noon. i would usually say “my life is such a fucking mess”. but it feels alright, i’m still in control. 

do i have a thing about control? like, this incessant need to be in control, or at least, be perfectly aware of everything that’s happening in my life, and everything that’s about to happen, and everything that has already happened and how it has affected everything that is happening and will happen. probably. 

i have been comparing myself in the third person to those around me quite often these days. not in terms of better or worse, but just differences. or maybe level of development (which is a little like better or worse, but, ok). i tend to see things very linearly.. but it’s not altogether one dimensional. it could be linear but branching out in different directions, radially away from each other. or maybe linearly converging… and then bending and diverging at some point. but i have diagrams and graphs in my head onto which i can place every person i know on some point of.. sometimes this can be very confusing to explain to other people, as it seems so clear to me in my own head but explaining just one tiny point would require me to explain the entire system that point lies within… all the rules and exceptions of it and how it works.