i need to be a responsible adult and apply for yet another job tomorrow even though i feel like shit

so, don't worry bout the situation..

(flashback)

I didn’t go to dinner with Larry. And as soon as he was gone I regretted not going. He’d asked, I’d said no but I didn’t have a concrete reason. Actually, no reason made sense outside of my cranium so, when he’d pressed to know why I simply let him know that I was tired.

He wasn’t convinced, he knew me too well to ever fall for my white lies but for some reason he let me slide with a mere sigh. I wanted to believe it was because he knew the dinner would be a bore but deep down I knew that he was tired of fighting. He was tired of shooting and missing the target. I couldn’t blame him.

I busied myself with studying. Finals were nearing and I had a few exams to take and a million papers to write. School seemed to be growing more and more annoying with each semester that passed. I was less than six months away from graduating and time seemed to slow down in lieu of that. Every minute I sat in class felt like hours. Every paper I typed felt like a book. It was annoying. The work was easy, yet it was hard for me to concentrate.

My thoughts often carried me to realms that I didn’t want to be in or near. Thoughts of jobs and responsibilities were abundant and it was frightening to be frank. I told myself I was prepared for the job force yet, I shivered in my boots every time I thought about it.

Technically I was prepared. I’d been putting a lot of time into my resume and working on my portfolio. I’d been applying to places and prepping for interviews. I’d even looked at apartments in New York since that’s exactly where I planned to plant myself once I graduated much to my mother’s dismay.

Mentally however, I felt like an infant. I felt unprepared and frantic. I felt as though everything I’d done and all the hard work I’d put forth wasn’t good enough because I wasn’t talented enough. My vocabulary wasn’t broad enough. My word play wasn’t impressive enough.

I’d spent countless nights up, reading articles and thought pieces written by my favorite journalist. And needless to say, my shit didn’t come close. I knew I was psyching myself out but I couldn’t help it. I knew I shouldn’t’ve been comparing my work to others but it was difficult not to. They were my competition technically – I needed to be well versed on their style and technique. I needed to know what I was up against – who would be pinning for the same jobs I wanted. And unfortunately I was walking into a gunfight with a toothpick.

I groaned, pushing my laptop away from me and raking my hands though my hair. I couldn’t think about this right now, I wouldn’t think about this right now but it was something that needed my attention. I needed to think about it and plan and prepare and…

I sighed and glanced at my phone, checking the time. It was too late to call my mom with my woes but boy did I want to. She knew everything and right now I needed her knowledge more than anything. I needed to be babied and then lectured and babied again. I needed to be reassured and motivated. I needed to know I’d made the right decision. I needed to know I was gonna be okay.

I thought of Larry next, wishing I could call him but he was busy. He would listen, though he’d just slightly lectured me before departing, and then give advice that I could tuck away for later. He was good at that – listening, without judgment and advising. It was one of the things I loved most about him. He was able to step outside of himself and focus on whomever decided to share something with him. He was caring and genuine and amazing and – I huffed, not wanting to do this. I didn’t want to think about Larry and how perfect he was. Those types of thoughts never led me to a good place. They always left me longing and regretting and that was the very last thing I needed right now, especially with him leaving in two days.

I wondered how it would be without him around. He’d done Cirque and been away for months but at the time I hated him and needed him to be away. Now, I felt like my organs were shutting down one by one whenever I thought of him being gone.

What fucked with me most was the fact that he didn’t have a time frame for his return. He had no clue when he would be coming back. He barely knew exactly what he would be doing. He’d mentioned a video and choreography and choosing dancers and I couldn’t help but pray that didn’t take long. When he’d told me that Beyoncé joked, saying that she was never letting them come home, I felt a pang of despair impale my heart. And for a brief three minutes I hated everything Beyoncé stood for. But I was being completely and totally irrational. And truth be told, I loved Beyoncé even more now that she was giving my twins a chance. She saw what I’d been in awe of for years and because she was smart, she snatched them up. She would have been dumb not to.

I thought about Laurent, knowing he too was at the dinner and available. Unlike Larry, he’d cut me off a million times and tell me how fucking amazing I was. Though he rambled and strayed, his encouragement meant a lot. His optimism was a bright moon that shun over my darkest nights. His refusal to grasp the word no was the reason that he and Larry were about to embark on an amazing journey. The thought made me sigh. I was simultaneously ecstatic and devastated. I wanted to do a celebratory dance and sob at the very same time but that would make me look crazy. And even if that took place in the privacy of my own apartment I would still feel ashamed.

Rolling onto my back, I stared at the ceiling. It was clear that I wasn’t going to get any work done tonight, as my thoughts were too disorganized. Tomorrow would be better. Tomorrow I would wake up early and hit the ground running, going over my flashcards and outlining my essays. I would finish in time to free up my Sunday so that I could spend it with Larry and Laurent before they left. I frowned, then groaned, the covered my face with shaky hands.

I needed to snap out of this. I needed to act like an adult whose life extended beyond the two identical people I loved so much. I needed to act like an adult and not a spoiled child. And I would, starting now.

I stood, tugging at the white top I wore. My stomach growled, leading me to the kitchen. I should’ve gone to that dinner, I thought, peering into my fridge and finding nothing. The empty shelves were yet another reason that I wasn’t ready for my impending ascension to adulthood. I couldn’t even properly feed myself. Ari always did the grocery shopping and without her the task went neglected. I wasn’t even responsible enough to feed myself, how the hell was I gonna get a job in the real world?

Again, I shook my head, refusing to let my thoughts go there. I wanted the rest of my evening to be peaceful and easy. I wanted to eat and catch up on trash TV and not think. I wanted to fall asleep with a clear head and wake up ready to speed through all my pending tasks.

Minutes later I found myself angrily shoving me feet into the booties I wore earlier. I grabbed my coat and keys upon leaving my apartment, all while wearing a scowl. I wanted more than anything to call Arielle and rip her to shreds but I reminded myself that she was working. She’d managed to piss me off, even as she thrived thousands of miles away.

She was a bit of a health freak but she was extremely fake with it. She followed crazes and when they wore off she went back to her normal eating habits – that is until another craze came along. I didn’t mind. As long as she kept all her Paleo shit away from me. However, what I did mind was the fact that she insisted on throwing away the many takeout menus I’d diligently collected.

Imagine my surprised when I pulled open the drawer, specifically designated for takeout menus, and found nothing but a pink post-it. Eat clean, I love you… don’t hate me, the post-it said but in that moment, I realized that I’d never hated her more. Here I was, searching for the perfect menu to quell my starvation and there was none! This was the second time she’d done this.

The first time happened when she was on a juicing kick. She’d watched some documentary and swore that the green shit she mixed up was the end all and be all. She urged me to cleanse with her and because I was a good friend, I agreed. I lasted all of nine hours before I was at Quick, ordering a burger. I was able to trick her into believing that I was still actively juicing with her but on day five when Larry fucked up and mentioned the fact that we’d pigged out on frites and eclat des noisettes cupcakesfrom Cupcake & Macaron, I’d been busted. She was pissed and ranted for days.

After that debacle, I worked diligently to build my takeout menu collection back up. I’d curated menus from the best eateries in the area and now they were all gone. Pissed wasn’t even the word.

Now I was headed down the street to El Nopal, a taqueria not far from my house. I wasn’t in the mood for Mexican but it was the only thing open and within walking distance so it would just have to suffice.

As I stood in line, I literally had to tuck my phone into the back pocket of my jeans to keep from calling Ari and ranting. It wasn’t until I was heading home that I actually calmed down as I knew my hunger would soon be satiated. I did however, make sure to grab three menus. I refused to be left out in the cold when Ari decided she wanted to be vegan next.

My walk back home was quick and filled with me scolding myself for not grabbing a heavier jacket. The winds were harsh and the air icy. Every breath I huffed displayed itself before me in white clouds. By the time I made it to my building I was frozen. My hands were so cold that I cradled the back in an effort to use the warmth omitting from the food.

I raced up the steps, eager to get to my food. The aroma was permeating through the bag, making my stomach rumble with frustration.

My keys jingled in my palm and I looked down, separating the one that would grant me access to my apartment from the rest.

I huffed, sifting through the keys – I had way too many. There were at least three that came with this unit, a few from my mom’s house and one from the twin’s apartment. I’d had it for a while now. When Larry and I broke up he never asked me to return it. I was sure he’d forgotten about it but when I visited him a few weeks ago and he demanded that I use my key because he didn’t feel like getting out of bed, I realized he hadn’t.

My gaze lingered on that one but I sighed, forcing myself to focus on finding my own key. Arielle had hers organized by color. I kissed my teeth at the thought. It was another one of the many things that made her a supreme perfectionist. It was also one of the things that I’d vowed to do in an effort to make me a better adult. I’d get around to it one of these days.

The figure looming in front of my door made me pause but I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized who it was. My steps quickened and the thump of my booties marked my presence, making him look up.

His gaze flickered down my frame and rested on the bag of takeout in my hand. “Hey,” I mumbled, wondering why he was back.

“Hungry?” He quizzed as I shoved my key j to the lock.

I pushed the door open with a sigh. “Starving,”

“Hmmp,” The sound came from his throat.

“How was dinner?” I asked, peeling my jacket away before stepping out of my shoes. I kicked them in a corner, happy that Arielle wasn’t here to chastise me.

He shrugged. “Why you didn’t come? It’s clear you hungry – starving.” He used my own declaration against me.

“I told you.”

“I didn’t believe you.”

I nearly laughed. “Why did you come back, Larry?”

“Because I can’t stop thinking of you when I leave.” His honesty was a stab to the gut. I dragged a breath it, noting the way my pulse instantly quickened. “I say I wanna be with you more but I don’t think you understand.”

“Larry,” I hoped he’d see my distress and swallow whatever he was planning to say.

“I want to be with you.” So much for being hopeful.

“I still feel the same way about this as I did months ago, Larry.”

His facial expression remained unchanged but his eyes narrowed, showing his frustration. He took a few steps forward and I took a few back. I couldn’t let him into my space. I knew that once he entered, I wouldn’t want him to leave.

“Are you still waiting to grow?”

I kissed my teeth. “Don’t do that.”

“Do what?” He asked plainly.

“Don’t make a mockery of my decisions.”

“I not! I asked a very easy question.” He stepped closer. I moved back. He smirked, showing that he wasn’t bothered. “You answer or no?”

“Yes, I’m still working on me.” He nodded, making a sound in his throat. “It’s not about you.”

“Funny you say that, everything I do about you.”

“Stop trying to manipulate me,” I shook my head, knowing exactly what he was doing. He did it so well but over the years I’d learned to spot his bullshit, dodging it when I could.

“I just say the truth.”

“You say what you need to say to get me to give you want you want.”

“Is that a bad thing? You do to me.”

“No, I never manipulate you.” I quickly shook my head, annoyed by him trying to pin shit on me.

“It’s natural, Gi, human nature. Everybody say what they need to get what they want. I do but everything I say for you is the truth and you know it.”

“That doesn’t make it better. It’s not fair for you to push even when I say I’m not ready.”

A heavy silence followed my words. Neither one of us spoke. He watched me and I watched him. My heart raced and if I had to guess I would say his remained steady.

“Nothing’s changed.” I spoke after a few tortuous minutes.

“You wrong.”

“What’s different?” I sighed, exasperated.

“Everything,” He shrugged, stepping closer to me. On cue I moved away only for my back to meet the wall. I was out of space and time to run, both literally and figuratively. “The only thing stay the same is the way I feel about you.” I swallowed. “And the way you feel about me.”

“How do I feel about you?” The words slithered past my mouth before my mind could filter them out.

I didn’t want this conversation to go further. I wanted to end it here and then bury it. I didn’t want to talk about feelings or the past. I wanted to be sad that he was leaving. I wanted to beg him to cook me coq au vin and gourgere one more time before he went off to become a star. I wanted to watch him play Zelda and play in his hair. I wanted to go to the top of the Eiffel Tower and listen to him ramble off goals. I wanted to pig out at Patis. I wanted to do friend things, not talk about our failed relationship and lingering feelings.

“You love me. You in love with me but,” His chest rose and fell in a sigh. “You scared for me to hurt you and you scared of how much you love me.” My mouth moved but nothing came out. His eyes flickered with relief as my lack of a reply confirmed the validity of his statement. “I won’t ever hurt you again Giselle. I die before I fuck up again.”

“Larry,” He was hovering over me and making it difficult to breathe. His eyes were wide and piercing. His breaths heavy, leaving his chest to expand into the small space that separated us. “I don’t think we’re ready yet.” I didn’t sound nearly as confident as I needed to sound. And because of that he frowned, already shaking his head.

“No. I’m tired of hearing you say that always. This not marathon or law test, this us. You talk about preparing and being ready when there’s nothing to be ready for. Who know us more than us? Who know me more than you?”

“That’s the thing, I know you but do I know me?” His eyes rolled into a blink and I huffed. He would never understand.

“I know you, lemme show you who you are.”

I chuckled, crossing my arms over my chest, creating an additional barrier. “You’re gonna show me who I am? How?”

“You say you get lost in me before… maybe this time you can find you, in me.”

“Larry, that doesn’t make sense.” I muttered, lowering my eyes from his.

His determination was suffocating me. My brain was throbbing in an effort not to retain what he was saying, not to consider his words. My heart was beating fast, loving every syllable that spilled from his curved lips.

“You don’t want it to,” He murmured. Defeat was lining his vocal chords. He was due to concede soon. I should have felt victorious but I didn’t. This is what you wanted, I reminded myself. Yet, I felt terrible. I felt like yet again I was making a mistake – a mistake I would regret more than anything and frankly I was over regretting things.

“I just –“ I chewed my tongue, thinking of the right words but there was none. “I love you, so much, too much and,” I sighed, watching his eyes glow in adoration. “I don’t think I could survive us falling apart again. It’ll hurt too much, it’ll kill me.”

“Gi,” He started but I shook my head, continuing to speak.

“The timing is bad, we should wait until we’re both –“

“No.”

“Until we’re both in more stable positions and –“

“Why you don’t let me talk?!”

“Because I’m talking!”

“Because you don’t want to hear what I say because you know it’s true.”

“No,” I sighed.  My arms fell to my side and I looked off to the side, plotting my escape. As though he sensed my thoughts, he stepped even closer, closing the tiny space we had between us.

I shuddered at the feel of his sigh whizzing across my forehead. I didn’t have to look up to know that he was peering down at me. I felt his stare and it was hot.

“You keep saying to me later but what if there is no later?” Hs words quickly reminded me that he loved to live in the moment. He barely planned beyond a week. So, me placing a tentative time stamp on when we could be together didn’t work for him.

“Are you gonna find someone else?” My voice rattled, revealing my fears.

He was silent, which forced me to stare up at him. I swallowed when our eyes connected and fought not to look back to the wall that’d had my attention seconds prior. “All I want is you.”

The words were acid over the glue holding me together. They were a machete to the ropes I’d bound myself in. They were all I’d ever wanted to hear but the last thing I needed to hear.

“What if,” I swallowed, attempting to organize my thoughts. It was fruitless. There was a hurricane of words swirling around my mind and none of them seemed appropriate. “I was yours, just for tonight?” Again I swallowed, more so gulped as a lump the size of my fist formed at the base of my throat.

My face flushed as his features slithered into a mask of confusion. “What?” I wanted to retract my statement, I wanted to yank my words back, swallow them and disappear.

“Nevermind.” I muttered, pushing past him.

Never before had I felt more foolish. Never before had I regretted saying anything more than the silly words I’d rambled over an hour ago. He’d left after growing annoyed with my refusal to speak. I didn’t blame him. I’d been in way over my head and attempted to play a game I knew nothing about.

I’d offered myself, my body to him and he’d neither confirmed nor denied that he wanted me. I tried to tell myself he’d been caught off guard but my shame out ruled that thought. Instead, it formulated the concept of him firmly declining my offer and leaving because he was peeved by it.

When he was gone, I’d showered in an effort to conceal my tears and wash away the humiliation I felt. I must’ve stood under the hot spray, replaying those last few seconds over and over in my head. Never before had I put myself out there like that. And would be sure to never do it again.

I rolled over, taking my cover with me. Sleep wouldn’t take me out of my misery, despite my endless efforts. I wanted nothing more than to be submerged in a slumber that would free me from my wretched thoughts. But I wasn’t tired or sleepy. And even if I were, my thoughts were far too loud to ever allow me to rest.

The grumble of my stomach pulled me out of bed and dragged me towards the food I’d forgotten earlier. The bag was still on the kitchen table. The fact that it’d been sitting for so long enabled the grease to drain from the food and soak into the brown bag, darkening it. A small smile curled my lips upward as I imagined the conniption fit Arielle would have if she saw this. I was tempted to take a picture and send it to her but the concept of going back to my bedroom to get my phone seemed excessive.

I didn’t bother heating the food up and settled on the couch, eating room temperature steak tacos and mole with chips. The TV glowed before me, displaying images that I didn’t too much care about. Yet and still, I watched – I watched in an effort to fill my thoughts with something other than Larry.

After staring blankly for a good twenty minutes my mind finally checked into what I was watching. I was grateful. I ate in silence, debating on heating the rest of my food now that the feeling of complete emptiness was gone. Yet, when I looked down at the Styrofoam container and found mostly scraps and a single taco, I decided it wasn’t even worth a trip to the microwave.

I grinned, thinking of the fact that just weeks ago Arielle and I were arguing about her idea to get rid of the microwave. She’d ‘done research’ on radiation and effects nuking your food could have on your health and made the singular decision to toss my key to survival. It was when I caught her unplugging it that I blew up. Her and her healthy shit was going too far. I mean, I wouldn’t say that I was a totally shitty-eating slob but I certainly wasn’t only eating for nourishment like her. I ate for enjoyment. I ate because I loved food. She claimed to eat for fuel, which easily explained her skinny ass figure. Then again, my enjoyment of food explained my need to swap more and more of my jeans out for leggings.

I smiled despite the fact that the thought wasn’t a pleasant one and because I missed her, I moved to my room to grab my phone. I didn’t know her schedule but I could at least text her and let her know that I was thinking of her.

My steps were sluggish and showcased how much of a laggard I became after I ate. I could feel my urge to sleep growing with every second and that was the very reason I whipped around to go back to the livingroom. I knew once I got to my room and laid across my bed, I wouldn’t want to come back out. I turned the TV and grabbed up the food I’d greedily devoured, heading to the trash.

A slew of light knocks reverberated through the quiet of my dwelling space and I froze, listening to make sure I wasn’t hearing things. When the knocks came a few seconds later, I hurriedly tossed the food and rushed to the door, tugging at my shorts.

The peephole rewarded me with a view of the face that dictated my thoughts and I sighed. I pulled the door open, taking in his tall frame. His jacket was open and the sleeves were rolled up, which defeated the whole purpose. I wanted to scold him because it was so cold out but instead I stepped to the side, welcoming him.

“You’re back?” I breathed as he stepped past me. I took in his backpack with narrowed eyes but said nothing.

“I don’t want you for a night or for a weekend, Gi.” He spoke as soon as I turned to face him. I swallowed. “I want you forever and I’m really not gonna take no for the answer. You understand?”

I nodded even as my mouth sprung open. “Larry –“

“No.” He halted my protest. “I can no not be with you any more, I can’t.”

“You’re leaving,” I muttered, rubbing at my bare arms as my anxiety levels rose.

“You say it like I won’t be back,” He shrugged, I sighed.

My frown was impossible to avoid. “You want me to wait for you?”

“I want you to be with me.” Black and white, not gray – typical Larry. “I love you and I need you.”

I sighed, exhausted. He had the power to make me feel like I’d just run three marathons with just a few words. I was winded and my heart was racing despite the fact that minutes prior I’d been lounging on my couch watching TV.

“Why now?”

“Why not? You keep asking me same questions in different ways… why you do that?”

“Because I need you to understand that we’re not ready for this just yet. Things are fine just the way that they are, Larry.”

“Are they?” He tilted his head, peering at me. “You okay with wanting to kiss me every five minutes but not be able to? I see you Gi, I know you.” He chuckled and I lowered my eyes, wishing I’d been less open with my stares over the past few months. “You okay with me be with other girls – kiss them and touch them –“

“You’re being dramatic.” I exhaled. My fingers moved to my hair, raking over my scalp in an attempt to quell my nerves.

“I being honest. You don’t want me with another girl just like I don’t want you with another guy.”

He stepped closer, making the distance between us nonexistent. His hands went to my hips as he pulled my body to his. It was cold out. I could feel with residual chill left in the fibers of his clothes melting through the thin pajamas I wore. My head fell back as I looked up at him. His face was neutral but his eyes were blazing. I tugged my lips into my mouth, chewing the flesh anxiously. His eyes followed the action but he said nothing. I tried to predict his next words, knowing they were going to be something to spike my blood pressure.

“You mean what you say early?”

I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “I don’t know what you’re talking –“

“Stop lie.” He sighed, tightening his grip on me. “You willing to give me apart of you that no one have before but you no willing to be my girlfriend again?”

“I just –“ I twisted in an effort to extract myself from him but his grip tightened. My body meshed intimately to his and I sighed even as my center quivered. He felt good. He smelled good. “I didn’t know what I was saying. Will you just forget I said it?”

“No.” He shook his head.

I wasn’t prepare for his lips to cover mine like they did. I wasn’t prepared for his tongue to snake against the seam of my lips or for his hands to move to the curve of my ass. I wasn’t ready and it showed in my balance. I teetered and staggered and he balanced me without effort. And even as my mind screamed no, I clung to him, welcoming his advances.

His kiss was sweet and thorough. His tongue moved around my mouth with a familiarity and lingered in an effort to savor, to reacquaint. He hands were on the same agenda – caressing, stroking and squeezing parts of my body that he used to cherish.

I was burning and crashing. I was breathless and delirious – all from his kiss that I’d missed so much. I’d dreamed of his kisses and fantasized about his touches. He was both aggressive and gentle. It reminded me that I was his but he cherished me. I paused at the thought – I wasn’t his. But he wanted me to be.

When he slowly dragged his lips away from mine, I gazed at him wide-eyed. “What are you doing?” The question was dumb as the answer was blatant but it was the first thing to come to mind. Then again, the first things that came to mind tonight had all caused more anxiety than I needed whenever I blurted them out.

“I’m showing you since you no wanna listen to what I say for you.” He didn’t give me the chance to respond. Instead, he hoisted me up, prompting me to lock my legs around his waist.

His kiss was hotter this time. He’d reintroduced himself and now it was time to conquer. His tongue twirled with mine, pausing to suck the tip. I was quickly reminded of how good he was with his tongue – how much I cherished it. His hands were bolder, more brazen, successfully lighting me on fire.

My body rocked as he moved, walking slowly as his lips massaged mine. My hands moved from his shoulders and up to his head. I swept his beanie on to the floor, not bothering to see where it’d landed. My fingers threaded in his twists as his hand tucked into my shorts. His fingers were like molten lava on my flesh and I moaned out against his mouth, earning a throaty groan from him.

When our lips disconnected this time, I opened my eyes, finding us in my bedroom. The journey had been a blur but I was grateful for his knowledge of my apartment. We stood quietly, me wrapped around him, him gazing at me. I was breathless and hot and wet and he was composed but then again it’s always been this way.

He took his time peeling me out of the pajamas I’d put on after my shower. He took his time touching and kissing every part of me he exposed. He was thorough with his explanation and brazen with his caress. His ministrations led to my knees morphing into gelatin. I was weak yet, I managed to stay erected because of his towering figure. He held me up with no issues, caressing my lower back as his whispers drifted into my ear.

Poser,” (Lay down) My body melted under his words, relaxing over the soft fabric of my duvet.

I watched him from my supine position, not knowing what to do next. I didn’t know what to expect from him. I sifted through my thoughts, trying to remember what happened the last time we’d attempted to take this step but I got nothing. It wasn’t surprising – I’d done everything in my power to erase that night from my memory.

I shut my eyes and exhaled, willing my nerves to settle down. When I opened my eyes, Larry’s eyes were bearing down on mine. There were a million emotions swirling around in the chocolate pools but nothing hung out like the lust. The lust he felt reached out, pressing against my chest, making it impossible to breathe. I felt small under his gaze – small and exposed. Larry had seen me naked a million times but this time felt different. I felt like he was seeing more than just my nude form. He was stripping me bare of everything – every excuse, every barrier, everything. It made me uneasy. My hands moved from my abdomen to my sides and back to my tummy, revealing exactly how nervous I was.

I wasn’t nervous about finally doing it with the person I wanted to do it with. I was nervous about potentially strengthening our connection. We were tightly bound even as friends – I couldn’t imagine what would happen when we became lovers – true lovers. It was a scary thought.

I loved Larry so much that it felt unnatural. Yet, I was preparing to embark on a journey that could possibly intensify my feelings. I tried to imagine what it would be like to love him more but my brain didn’t have the capacity to reach that far. Yet was terrifying, yet here I was ready to take the plunge.

S'ouvrir,” (Open)

Larry’s heated voice dragged me back to the present and when my gaze flickered to his he repeated his previous command, gesturing with his hands. I hesitated but when my thighs shifted his eyes grew eager, pushing me forward. I spread my thighs, hissing as the cool air raked over my fleshy folds that were drenched in my anticipation. His eyes dropped and held, taking in the blooming petal before him.

"You know how many time I dream of this, how long I want you like this?” His voice had taken on a throaty quality. His accent was more prominent, his facial features harder. And in turn my breaths grew more ragged, my skin grew more sensitive and my center grew wetter.

“You dream of me, Gi?” His question made me flush. I felt heat wash over my body and didn’t have to look down to see the pink cast. Larry’s eyes further confirmed when they traced my form, pausing at my nipples before moving down between my spread thighs. They quivered with the urge to close but I ignored it. Him eyeing me like this made me feel things I couldn’t even describe. I liked it.

“Sometimes,” It was only a half lie – I dreamed of him all the time. Sometimes my dreams were so vivid that I could feel him next to me, smell his cologne in my sheets, hear his groans in my ear.

“Yeah?” He breathed.

“Yeah,” I nodded, trailing his frame with my eager gaze. He was still dressed. It bothered me. I’d enjoyed the feel of his clothed frame against my naked one but now I wanted the clothes gone. I wanted to feel his skin, his heat, his hardness.

“Tell me,”

“Take your clothes off and I will.” I hadn’t even thought before speaking. I was being powered by my arousal. It made me feel bold. It made me feel sexy.

He acted seconds later, pulling his jacket off and dragging his shirt over his head. His pants were next and his hand moved behind his back as he swiftly undid his button and zipper, pulling his pants down. The sight of him hard and heavy in his briefs nearly sent me melting into the fibers of my bed.

“Those too,” I spoke when he didn’t move to take the briefs off.

A smirk appeared before he grabbed the waistband, shoving the knitted fabric down his legs. My next breath was a sharp gasp.

“Tell me.” The request came again only this time it was more of a demand.

I blinked, distracted by his nakedness. He was standing at attention and pointing in my direction. He looked like perfection. Lean muscles, smooth skin and intricate tattoos all tied together, making my blood run hot.

“I dream of us together… like this,” Shyly I gestures between our naked bodies. “I dream of how you touch me,“

"Where?” His voice was lower, grittier.

I blinked as my chest rose. “Everywhere,” My stomach clenched as he stepped closer, engulfing me in his heat. My breath hitched when he kneeled down, situating himself between my spread thighs. His eyes remained on mine even as his hand grazed my knee, moving slowly up my inner thigh.

“Like this?” I quivered under his light touch. It was feather soft but still it made me hotter, wetter. His eyes glowed as he neared the apex of my thighs before trailing up my pelvis and over my abdomen.

“Yes,” I rasped when his fingers began circling my taunt nipples. “Just like that.”

My ability to function was snatched away when his touch morphed to nothingness. I looked at him wide-eyed, wondering why he’d stopped. I was annoyed already despite the fact that he’d yet to explain his retreat – his smirk was all the explanation that I needed.

“I want you to show me.” He spoke.

“What?” I quizzed, resting on my elbows to peer at him.

“Touch yourself.” I was reminded of Skype calls that left me hot with embarrassment and quaking with anxiety.

“Larry,” I called.

“Show me.”

It was the desperation and hunger in his eyes that prompted me to move. It instilled a heat deep within my belly and more wetness in my center.

His eyes glossed, flickering with lust as my fingers trailed down my stomach to the apex of my thighs. My belly quivered as my fingers trailed over my manicured patch of hair before meeting the flood that Larry caused. I moaned out as my thighs quivered and spread wider.

“Fuck,” Larry’s low curse fizzled into the room as I spread my lips, running my finger down to my opening.

My hands were quivering as were my thighs. My belly felt hot and my center was throbbing. I was sensitive, far more sensitive than I’d ever been and I knew it had everything to do with Larry’s stare. His eyes were riveted on my center, his nostrils were flared, his tongue was resting in the corner of his mouth. He looked predatory and it made me weak. The concept of him wanting me this bad was enough to make me cum but I refused to relish on it. I couldn’t – I was far too weak.

My moan echoed through the room as I circled my clit with a slowness that almost seemed lazy. It was the way I liked it. It was the way Larry had done it the very first time that he touched me – the very first time that he made me cum. He’d shaped my pleasure for me and I’d never bothered to modify because I feared the concept of anything being better or more intense than what he’d already shown me.

It was when his fingers began to lazily trace my inner thighs as his eyes latched to my center that I realized this was too much. Throwing my head back, I groaned. My body sunk deeper into my bed as my back arched away from it. In the distance I heard Larry. What he said was nasty and made me blush, slamming my eyes closed. I wanted to hear more.

My hips bucked and I rose off the bed as a strangled cry left my throat. I moved faster as my body jerked, sending heated waves to my core.

“Shit, Giselle,” He groaned as my body met the mattress. I shuddered, moving away from my clit and down to my tender folds. I was far too sensitive, I thought, willing Larry to end this. I knew he wouldn’t. He would watch me melt into a sea of pleasure before taking me out of my misery. He was a sadist and me a masochist.

My eyes flew open as Larry gripped my ankle, spreading me wider. His hiss was the confirmation that he liked the view. His stare told the story of his lewd thoughts. I wanted to hear them all but I knew I would pass out if he started speaking. Instead, I watched him. I allowed his stare and the way he bit his lip to do the trick. Knowing I turned him on – that I did it for him, when years ago I was sure that I didn’t – left me gasping for air.

My eyes left his face and trailed down his body, stopping only when I reached his pelvic area. Everything around me slowed and faded as I watched him stroke himself. He was hard and heavy in his palm. His hand moved slowly down his shaft only to twist back up. And just like he was, I spellbound, hypnotized by the simple concept of him pleasing himself.

My thoughts strayed and I wondered if he touched himself when he thought of me. I wondered if I were the root of the low groans that sounded in his bedroom in the middle of the night. If when he touched himself he imagined it was me wrapped tightly around him, milking him. I gasped at the thought and the gasp turned into a breathy moan that echoed into the quiet of my room.

“Keep doing,” He rasped when he my noticed my fingers slowing. I was becoming too sensitive and getting too close. I needed to stop, I needed to save myself.

His lips met my ankle as his eyes remained locked to my center. I watched him watch me, silently begging him to step in and free me from this self-imposed torture.

The room seemed to go deadly silent as the evidence of my arousal filtered through the air in loud waves. With each stroke of my fingers I gushed. I could hear my touch – it made me blush, it reminded me of how turned on I was and how close to death I was.

“Larry,” I gasped, feeling a wave shot through me.

“Don’t stop.” He warned, dragging his lips up my calve. “You better don’t stop,” The words were whispered as his face neared my center. Disappointment crashed into me when he passed the apex of my thighs, maneuvering his body to cover mine.

A whimper hung on my lips and released as soon as his lips wrapped around my nipple. He tugged with his teeth, sending me spiraling underneath him. I shook and shivered as he sucked and bit. My heart rate picked up as his hand trailed between our bodies. His eyes were on mine as his fingers brushed over my moving hand before finding my opening. I hissed in a breath and my movements stilled as he stroked the tender flesh.

“I said don’t stop.” He gritted, watching me.

My fingers rasped against my clit as his circled my opening. It was took much. I felt the waves building and spasms strengthening.

“This how I touch your pussy when you dream of me?” His quizzed, drugging me with his silken touch and racy words.

“Yesssss,” I moaned, grinding under his touch.

His lips brushed mine before trailed across my cheek and to my ear. “You call my name when you cum?”

“Mmmhmmm,”

Appreciation showed in his eyes as he rose up taken in my face. His fingers continued to work me, doubling the sensations I was already inflicting on myself. My moans grew louder and my body grew hotter. The first wave the crashed into me froze my body completely and the rest that followed jolted me back to life.

“Larrrry,” I gasped, rocking under his heat as my eyes clamped shut and body exploded. Over and over I called his name as my body locked and released, threatening to pull his still active finger in.

“Fuck, you so beautiful.” He breathed, hovering over me. “I love you.”

My eyes fluttered open as his admission. A small smile gathered on my lips as I peered up at him. “I love you too.”

“Be with me, be mine.”

I sighed, grazing his cheek with my fingers. “You’re taking advantage and asking that now because I feel good.” He chuckled, licking his lips.

“I make you feel more better and I ask again, d’accord.” He quipped before sliding down my body.

I watched breathlessly as he positioned himself between my spread thighs. His eyes were resting on my center. His teeth were threatening to tear into his lip. I felt heat consume me all over again and it intensified when he grabbed my hand that was resting lazily on my abdomen. He surveyed my dripping fingers with a smug grin before pulling them into his mouth – sucking from the knuckles to the very tips. I gasped as his tongue snaked over my digits, wiping the evidence of my orgasm away. His eyes were on me the entire time, watching for my reaction. His nostrils flared and jaw ticked as he relished my nectar. I was sure I’d died and gone to heaven.

But Larry quickly assured me that I hadn’t. His mouth covered me possessively. His tongue moved through me with familiarity. And the groan that vibrated against my core let me know that he was just as gone as I. He lapped at my center and sucked on my clit. He drank me, ate me, and devoured me, intensifying the heat that resided in my belly, strengthening the waves that crashed into my core.

My eyes widened as I watched him. His twists moved as his head bobbed. His shoulders were broad and acted as a resting area for my thighs. His lips were plush and covered in my juices. It was the purest kind of torture rolled within raw bliss. I clamped my eyes shut, no longer able to take the sight. I fisted the sheets and groaned my pleasure as he unknowingly tied my nerves into a million knots.

My thighs jerked, flexing over his shoulders as his laps became long and teasingly slow. A choked cry flew from the depths of me as I lost more and more of my control. My hands moved to his head and I pushed only for him to resist. His growl met my sumptuous flesh, sending vibrations through my being. It was enough to throw me over the edge. And over the edge I fell.

I was doused in the honeyed spray of bliss and slit open with the sharp blades of ecstasy. My scream was shrill and bounced off of every wall. The world went still even as my body rocked under the pressure of pleasure. I wheezed, garnering enough strength to push Larry away from me. I knew that if given the chance he would’ve kept going, not stopping until my heart did.

His smirk was potent. It reached out like a whip but instead of whacking, it caressed and teased. I shut my eyes, unable to take it. I jumped as his fingers sliced through my wetness and sighed when his frame covered mine. His kiss came next. It was slow and deliberate, yet hungry and intense. It filled my belly with heat and covered my skin with tingles.

“You see how I’m addicted,” He muttered against my mouth. “You taste so good.” My gasp was inward as I relished in his declaration. His tongue swept against the seam of my lips as he gripped my hips, nestling himself between my thighs.

I felt him – hard and heavy – pressing against my abdomen. Instantly, I was graced with images of the last time we were in this very position but I pushed them away with a long blink. That was then and this was now but even as I internally encouraged myself, I felt fear take residence in my belly.

“Ready?” He quizzed, peering down at me. My nod was shaky and he offered a small smile before feathering a kiss across my lips. “I love you, Gi. I don’t think you know how much.”

“I love you too.” Crying wasn’t an option but something felt different. I heard him declare his love for me a million and three times but this felt final. It felt more real than ever.

My fingers grazed his jawline as his hand moved down between us. His eyes locked with mine as the head of his dick slid down my slit, stopping only at my entrance. Instantly I shrank back and he paused as his eyes searched my face. My hands moved to his shoulders and after a few deeps breaths, I gestured for him to move forward.

My mind raced a million different ways but everything turned to dust when he eased forward, parting me with his shaft. A gasp locked in my chest and my body shuttered. His hiss married with my whimper as he hedged forward.

“You okay?” He quizzed breathlessly. His chest rose and fell as his face scrunched in pleasure. “It hurt.”

“Yes,” I eased out, gripping his shoulders.

“I thought you do surgery.”

“I did but it’s still – nothings been up here.” No one knew more about my sexual status than Larry but that didn’t stop the appreciation that flashed in his eyes.

“Want me to stop?” He quizzed even as his eyes pleaded.

“No, keep going.” I was just as desperate as he.

His movements were slow and careful but that did nothing to quell my lower half being lit on fire. I felt so full, so stretched. I could feel myself clenching him. I could feel my womb throbbing. My thighs quivered and belly tightened as he ease out only to reenter me with a smooth stroke. I gasped at the sensation. The burn was still evident but coiled in the middle of it was unrelenting pleasure.

His eyes moved to mine and held as his hand moved down to my thigh, caressing. His movements were slow and fluid, yet the curses that left his lips were lewd and dirty – and sexy. I loved seeing him this undone. It was unlike anything I’d ever seen. It was raw and beautiful and I wanted it every day, multiple times a day.

“You okay?” His ask through a hiss as he drove in deeper.

“Yessss,”

I wasn’t quite aware when pain morphed into pleasure. I wasn’t sure when I stopped whimpering and started moaning. I wasn’t sure when my clenched fist became clawing fingers. The pleasure hit me like a tidal wave, washing me onto a shore that I’d never explored before. Up until now I was positive Larry had shown me true pleasure. I was wrong. This was pleasure – this was bliss.

Putain,” He bit out, squeezing my thighs. “Giselle,” My skin melted away at the sound of my name on his lips. It was sublime.

My heart was racing and my body was hot. “It’s so good, Larry.” I didn’t sound like me. I’d been robbed of my own voice and handed a raspy, breathy replacement.

“Can I go faster?” His bit his bottom lip, grinding into my heat.

“Pleaseeee.”

I gasped as his hips roared to life, meeting me with spine crumbling strokes. He became bolder and less cautious as he moved into my body, implanting himself in my soul. I arched, readily accepting him as my heat clenched his length. I was building – fast and strong. It felt like each stroke would carry me there, carry me over. My body was like a revving engine that wouldn’t catch, it only hiccupped. Every second was a false alarm. Every stroke activated another nerve – another sensation. This felt dangerous – life threatening.

Larry’s mouth descended onto my as his hips winded in circles, caressing my walls, wreaking havoc in my womb. His face was a portrait of pleasure and arrogance. It fit. He deserved to feel every bit of cocky because he was doing to me what no one ever had – what no one every would. He was marking me, branding me and in this moment I knew that I would forever be his.

My body was shaking uncontrollably. My mouth was a platform for profanity that made me blush and Larry smirk. My walls were spasming and my clit swelling. It was too much to handle at one time. It was too intense.

Larry paused, gripping my leg and tossing it over his shoulder. My eyes flew open as he sunk even deeper into my body, causing him to moan out. Seconds later he positioned my other leg on his shoulder, leaving me completely open to him.

“Larry, Larry, Larry,” I cooed as pleasure filled me up, overflowing. “Fuck,” A crooked smirk curled along his lips as my fingers dragged down the moist skin of his back. “Please,”

“What you want, baby?” He breathed. His voice was gritty. It bordered a growl – I’d never heard him like this before. “Hmm? Tell me what you want,” His words were separated by long, deep strokes that curled his body like a snake and smashed mine into a ball of pleasure.

“I want you,” I rasped, gripping his shoulder then his hair. His forehead touched mine as his eyes danced over my face.

“You mine?”

“Yes! Fucking, yes!” It was happening. The engine was roaring. Pleasure was digging a hole through my body and planting itself there.

Larry felt it and gasped, meeting my lips with a kiss before parting my thighs and thrusting into me with a sleekness that balled me up and a roughness that pulled me apart. My screams covered the walls and my thighs shook in his grip. It wouldn’t stop. The waves wouldn’t stop crashing and the engine wouldn’t stop roaring. I’d sped off a cliff and was now floating midair through clouds of ecstasy. And Larry – my god – he was perfect. His grip on me was snug as his eyes slammed shut. His thrusts were slower, yet harder. His jaw was pulsing, his veins appearing. His breathing was ragged, forcing his chest to rise and fall sporadically. And then it happened. He froze above me and shuddered as his heat consumed my insides.

His groans pressed into my neck as his continued to move. He was still hard. He was still hot. He shuddered and shook as my body clung to him. And when he finally came down from his high, his eyes flickered to mine. They were glazed over and cloaked with satisfaction. I was proud to have been the cause.

He surveyed my face then my upper half, taking in brown nipples that stood at attention. A shudder moved through me as he leaned down, taking the numb into his mouth. Bliss consumed my skin and heat swarmed my stomach as I gripped his twists in a tight fist. His tongue swirled and his teeth nipped.

“You okay?” He muttered against the swell of my breast.

Trembling, I nodded. “I’m perfect.”

“Good.” He sighed. Shifting against me. I was then reminded of the fact that he was still embedded within me and as firm as he was when he entered. “Larry,” I rasped. His ragged breath streamed against my cheek as he moved, unwilling to slip his length out of me.

“You mean what you say?” He quizzed.

“What?”

“You mine?”

“Yes,” I nodded, needing no time to ponder the question. There was no way we could ever go back to whatever we were previously after this. “I’m yours.”

His smile wrapped around my heart as his lips met mine. I wasn’t prepared when he moved his hips, rolling into me. I gasped when he gripped my thighs.

“Again?” I breathed, gripping his sides. The long stroke that nearly split me in half was my answer.

-

can you handle it, can I go there baby with you?

AUTHORS NOTE: