I had a term thrown toward me today that I honestly feel like I need to address. I was planning to leave this alone but I honestly can’t. I won’t name anyone or even say what happened, but I want to talk about why this hurt me so much.
Besides the obvious part where I’m an afab genderfluid person who is engaged to a woman, there’s other reasons this is a vile and untrue thing to say of me. Throughout the course of the day, I’ve honestly been back and forth between being angry at the situation and remembering all the actually homophobic things I’ve been put through in my life. Traumatic things. Things I don’t want to think about whatsoever because it can lead into dissociation and panic attacks.
Yes, that means I was triggered by the situation.
I grew up closeted, having to avoid even mentioning it for fear of being hurt or kicked out. I dated all my girlfriends online because it was the only way to even remotely do so safely. I listened to not only my family but my classmates and coworkers talk about how all the ‘gays’ and 'trannys’ need to just be killed off or deported to Canada. I grew up hiding so much of myself out of literal mortal fear that I never felt like I could be myself anywhere but online. And even there you’d have to deal with things like being kicked out of forums if people found out you even liked gay pairings, even if you didn’t post about it there. I grew up being forced to go to a church who had leaders that would talk about how disgusting it was to see two girls holding hands in the grocery store or how being gay was as bad as adultery or rape.
I grew up to eventually find out I had a gay cousin who’d been disowned simply for being gay. I ended up being forced out of the closet just because I wanted to cosplay a male character. I got constant accusations that I even lied about being bi, that I was actually a lesbian and just trying to sound less gay. I had to stop my dad from trying to find whoever 'turned’ me gay because he planned to kill them.
I went through my family’s own homemade conversion therapy. I was not allowed to go out of the house outside of school, work, and church. I was forced to spend the money I wanted to put toward cosplay on makeup instead because 'obviously’ I needed to start doing things that were more girly to 'stop’ me from being into girls. I was never allowed to have sleepovers anymore because I 'obviously’ would take advantage of that to have wild lesbian sex. My wireless card on my computer was taken out because the internet was a 'bad influence.’ And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Even to this day, I have to deal with it. We have a two bedroom despite sharing a bed because we have to make it look like my fiance uses a separate room if any particular family members come by.
I wanted to die so often growing up due to homophobia that having that accusation thrown towards me makes me feel like throwing up.
I was stuck thinking about all of this shit all day and I honestly wish tumblr would stop throwing that word around like it means very little. I don’t know what would cause anyone to say that in regards to me, but it’s disgusting that it even happened in the first place.
All I know is I’m not okay.