To my friends, the ones still here, my new ones, my old ones.
Life is fucking unfair. That’s the way it is. It sucks.
For me, it’s a matter of picking up your pieces and carrying on, forced smile or not.s o many others are in the same position as I am. It’s unfair.
I deserve to be here.
What happened to me is not who I am.
I had a talk with my on-call therapist, calling her happy as I was, because she asked me to.
I was up, up up up. Soaring. Smiling, dancing. Talking in ALL CAPS because being excited is exciting.
I had to wait until 8am
She asked me
And really thought about it. We laughed.
And I think the simplest answer to give is that I was comfortable, but she told me that I was comfortable behind covered windows and silent nights too.
So I thought about it some more.
“I feel accepted”, I said. “Validated”. Real.
And for my trauma to make me feel, not feel, cry, scream, kick and puke. Isn’t that unfair?
That a father, someone sworn by blood to care, reduces you to a work of fiction? Of pity?
But I care, I said. I don’t care. I want to change. I want it gone. I want me to rise, to feel, to laugh.
I want to smell hot chocolate and not get the urge to run.
And I cried. I cursed her for taking my happy away.
“But you are real” she said. “And you are healing.”
I told her life is unfair. And she told me, she was silent, but after she told me:
“Yes it is”
And it is.
It fucking is. And I curse mental illness. I curse the long road of recovery, I curse all the nights howling because I can’t speak, I curse hyperventilating, I curse confusion, I curse alcohol, I curse running until your legs give out, I curse food, meat, sleepingpills.
I curse wanting to understand, I curse privilege, I curse all the things I can’t help. I curse sadness, I curse loud noises. I curse it! I curse it all! How it sits and festers inside of you! I curse it! I curse looking at yourself in the mirror and wanting to rip your skin off. I curse alternate universes, I curse screaming at your phone, I curse the feeling of loneliness, of being disgusting, of being unreal. Of the never enough.
I don’t want to be the victim anymore. I dont want to curse, i dont want this anger. I want to heal.
Hi Wil! A few years ago, you accepted my friend request on untappd & it made my day. I was quite into the craft beer scene & met people who are among my closest friends now. I stopped drinking about 18 months ago. I was finding that my depression and anxiety meds weren't working as well as they could be. I was in a dark place then, however, life is brighter now. I have a 3 month old daughter and she is everything. Do you miss beer & all it's fun? Do you think you'll return to brewing? Thanks :)
I quit drinking almost 18 months ago, too! Some days I miss beer, but mostly I don’t even think about it. I’m not an addict, so it was more of a life choice than a sobriety choice, but I have stayed away because I also noticed that my meds were less effective (and I just wasn’t able to lose the weight my knees and hips were telling me I needed to lose).
I miss brewing, but I’ve been baking bread and roasting coffee and brewing kombucha, so I’m pretty much scratching the same itch as I did with brewing.
Congratulations on being a parent! Remember: it’s supposed to be challenging, and that’s okay.
Alpha!Severus Snape X Omega!Male!Reader warnings: sexual themes, mpreg, smut ensues he/him pronouns used for reader when you see ’–’ it means some time has passed/pov shift omegaverse au **au where there is no threat of voldemort ***reader is around 26ish and this would take place during harry’s fifth year ___
Holy. Shit. Just when you think Commander Lexa couldn’t get any more badass. This was clearly inspired by @papurrcat ‘s amazing artwork!!! This took so long oh god, i don’t think I’ve ever worked so long on a digital art piece!
spent all day working on a gif set and then saw a hockey match that went into double ot and now its 3am and i’ve yet to start an assignment i said i’d have done for tomorrow and class is at 8:30… ( ﾟｰﾟ) ( ｡_｡)
-waves- Question! Here in about 40 minutes, I’ll be finished brewing the last material I need! Would anyone be willing to brew a Shadow Tome for me in Baldwin’s? I can send you all the mats, and even a tip if you like! ♥
“What do we have first
class?” I ask no one in particular. As we sit down before breakfast in the
“Double potions, I think.” Luke
“Eww. Why? I’m not in the
mood for potions” (Y/F/N) Complains
I don’t know why she
doesn’t like potions. I wouldn’t say it’s my favourite subject but I still like
it. I got an O in my OWLs which I was delighted with. She says it’s because
it’s too hard and professor Lloyd doesn’t teach it properly.
“When is the next quidditch
practice.” (Y/F/N) asks.
“Tomorrow, I can’t wait. I
“Why do you even bother,
its not as if you are good enough to win.” Luke says out of no where, I’m sure
he is only messing but I just don’t find it funny.
“You heard me.” He smirks.
“What the hell, Luke.”
“Wow, calm down.”
“Just shut up Luke.”
“It was just a joke.” He
starts to get defensive.
“Shame, it wasn’t that
funny. Now if you will excuse me, I’m going for breakfast.” I storm off. Its
bad enough that I don’t think I can do it, without him saying it too.
I walk to class alone,
still angry at what Luke said. By the time I make it to the dungeons everyone
is seated. I take my seat with (Y/F/N) at our usual bench in front of the boys.
“Settle down. I’ve got a
very exciting class planned to day.” Lloyd began. “First I must put you in
pairs and before you ask, yes I already have a list made.” At this everyone
groans. I wonder who I will be put with. Knowing my luck it will probably be Luke.
Oh don’t jinx it. Touch wood, touch wood, touch wood.
“(Y/F/N) you will be with Luke
Hemming’s.” Yes not me. (Y/F/N) gets up from our bench and walks to the bench
behind us. “This must be a mistake, I put Mr.Hemmings down twice.” He furrows
his brow whilst checking the list again. “Ah yes, sorry about that but Luke
Hemmings will be with (Y/N) (Y/L/N).” You jinxed it, well done (Y/N).
“Sorry professor that won’t
work.” I just don’t want to talk to him right now.
“And why is that?”
“That’s settled.” Uhh
usually professor Lloyd is really understanding, I have a feeling to day is not
I pick up my stuff and move
to sit beside Luke.
“Before you say anything we
will work not talk and if talking is required it will be minimal.” Wow I’m a
bitch. The hurt look on his face makes me want to hug him and tell him that I
forgive him for what he said earlier. That I know it was only a joke. I really
like him but he hurt me, I just need time.
“Today we will be brewing Amortentia.
Can anyone tell me what that is? Yes
Miss Collins.” Of course Isabells hand was the first up, she was one of the top
in our class. She was a really nice girl too.
Wait, that is a love
potion. I’m going to have to make a love potion with Luke Hemmings. Perfect, I
“That is a love potion, it
causes the drinker to become infatuated with the giver of the potion. However,
true love cannot be produced through artificial means, and thus the feelings
that Love Potions create are more like obsession than affection.”
“Excellent miss Collins 10
points to Hufflepuff.” Lloyd beamed, She is his favourite student. “Turn to
page 394 and you may begin.”
“First we need Ashwinder
eggs, Rose thorns, Peppermint and Powdered Moonstone.” I say while not looking
up from my book. When Luke doesn’t move I slam my book down on the table and
make my way to the cupboard to get the ingredients. What is wrong with that boy
I add in the ashwinder eggs
and stir three times clockwise. Then I add in the rosethorn and peppermint. I
leave the potion to brew for 20 minutes. Luke still hasn’t moved from the spot
he took 20 minutes ago.
“Am I going to have to make
this potion all by myself?” I snapped.
“Well what do you want me
“We are partners, so you do
what you can to help but if you really need me to tell you what to do measure
out the powdered moonstone.”
He leans across me and
grabs the moonstone, his arm brushing off mine, sending a rush of heat through
me. What does that mean? It doesn’t matter. “Well aren’t partners supposed to
communicate?” oh crap he has me there.
Forty five minutes later
our potion is done. We are the second to finish. As you could guess Isabell and
Ashton was first.
“Well done Mr Hemmings and
Miss (Y/L/N), now tell me what you smell.” Lloyd asks.
Luke leans in and sniffles, I look at him intensively. I
wonder what he will smell, will it have anything to do with me? Of course not
why would it? After a minute or so he says “I smell Fresh parchment, ehm…
firewhiskey and…” he pauses before saying. “Strawberries.” My heart sinks, wait
why am I so upset that he doesn’t smell anything to do with me? Why would he?
“Very good Mr Hemmings.” Slughorn praises Luke for
probably the first time in his whole career at Hogwarts. “Now, Miss (Y/L/N)
what do you smell?”
I copy Luke and lean in and sniffle until the fumes of the
potion fill my nose. Wow, I start to fill I little light headed as the potion
draws me in. “I smell my quidditch broom, the forest and” I smell, to sum it
up, I smell Luke, does that mean I love him?
My legs start to carry me. First I back away from the
table slowly. Luke and Lloyd both have confused looks on their faces. Next
thing I know I’m running out of the classroom. I hear someone call my name but
I don’t stop. I run up the stairs from the dungeons and then out into the open
air, rain plummets at my feet but I don’t care I just keep running, I don’t
know where I’m running to but I don’t think it matters I just need to be alone.
I love Luke, I love him and he doesn’t love me. I can’t
help but feel sorry for myself. I run along the black lake until I reach an oak
tree. I fall to my knees, the rain falls against my face and runs down my
cheeks and nose until they fall and hit the ground. A tear escapes my eye and
like the drops of rain it falls to the ground.
It’s only now that I realise I don’t have my jumper on.
I’m kneeling on the wet grass in a skirt and shirt. The rain has made my shirt
wet and see through revealing my black bra.
“Uhh.” I let out a
groan. Why does life have to be so complicated? I don’t even think I believed
in love until now. I’m in love with one of my best friends who I just told I
didn’t want to speak to because he was being an ass.
I pull my knees to my chest and lean against the tree,
letting my head rest on the trunk of the tree. This is more drama then I ever
want in my life.
“(Y/N)?” Luke? How did he find me?
“How did you know I was here?” I ask.
“You told me before that you liked to come here to think
so I thought I’d take a chance.” Why did he have to find me? “What happened in
potions? Why did you run off?” he takes three steps closer to me, leaving a
metre between us.
“I can’t tell you.” I push back the hair that has begun to
stick to my face.
“You can tell me anything just because you are angry at me
doesn’t mean I don’t care.”
“It doesn’t matter that you care it won’t change
anything.” My volume of my voice begins to increase. “I can’t tell you.”
“Just tell me for Merlin’s sake.” he shouts. I stand up
but keep my distance.
“I can’t tell you I love you because it will ruin of
friendship.” I say before I can stop myself. “I’m in love with you and you
don’t love me back. You can be really annoying, goofy and an idiot but I still
love you because you’re funny, nice, kind and caring. None of that matters
though because you don’t feel the same way.” I take a deep breathe.
“What are you talking about? Of course I love you back. (Y/N),
I’ve been in love with you since the first time I met you, I might have only
realised it recently but I have always loved you.”
“You don’t have to spare by feelings, it’s okay.”
He grabs my waist and pulls me in until my body crashes
against his and we stumble back a bit. He crushes my lips with his and kisses
me passionately. Within seconds I realise what’s happening as I kiss him back.
After what feels like forever, we pull away. I can’t help
but grin as he grins back at me. “Nice bra. Will I be seeing it more often?” he
winks trust him to turn a romantic moment into a perverted one but I still
laugh and hit him playfully.
“Does this mean you will be mine? He asks
I reconnect our lips to answer his question
“I wouldn’t want it any other way.” He kisses my forehead.
“I brought you this.” He pulls out his Ravenclaw hoodie from under his jumper
and hands it to me.
“Thanks,” I pull the hoodie over my head, it’s a bit big
but it’s comfy. “I lost mine.” I wrap my arms around his neck and give him a
gentle peck on the lips.
“Keep it, I want everyone to know your mine and I’m
yours.” He leans down and kiss’ me once on the forehead and then on the tip of
my nose before he places his lips on mine.
summary: emma passes by killian every morning on her daily run. she’s never spoken to him all that much, but of course she goofs up and accidentally runs into him. literally.
wc: 2.2k or so.
a/n: yeah no i haven’t written in forever, forgive me as i need to get back into the groove of things. (also on ao3)
Her mornings are the same rinse and repeat process. While
she dreads getting up early, she does it anyway, and if anything, it’s merely
to fit in the morning run she takes across the beach and to the docks before
taking a turn home to shower and get ready for the rest of her day as Sheriff
But to be honest, there’s nothing ever to really be
worried about in this small town.
And no, she totally doesn’t sacrifice sleeping in for the
hot guy — Killian Jones — she passes every time during her hot run. No, she
doesn’t notice the way his short sleeve shirt clings to his skin or the way
sweat droplets roll down his skin. Emma doesn’t care about the way his hair is
plastered to his forehead slightly and the way his lips are just parted as he exhales.
(Perhaps she’s a tad insane.)
It’s not like she talks to him, though. They nod and
smile at each other, perhaps change a silent hello as they both have
motivational music blasting into their ears, but never once have they really spoken. And yet, it feels like she knows
him plenty already just from observing him. Not just while he runs, but the
occasional times of noticing him at work on his ship or seeing him at Granny’s.
Sometimes she might just be eyeing him from afar, taking notice of the stubble
that runs along his jaw, accentuating the sharpness.
And god forbid her from speaking about his voice. Gentle
A/N - I got this done earlier than expected! Saturday might be a bad day to post, but here you go anyway. :) Thanks to everyone who has been reblogging this story, I get new amazing readers every time you do!
She knows she should pull away from him, but it feels so
good wrapped up in his arms and she’s honestly not sure what will happen when
this moment breaks. His determination to not let her sidestep her feelings has
her off balance, all previous intentions of not letting this happen having
crumbled with each soothing touch of his lips as he promised to be patient. Leaning
her head back slightly from his, she forces herself to look him and despite the
lack of her glasses making it a bit hard to focus, she can still see the huge
smile on his face. God she loves him.
“Are we okay?”
Her voice is still a bit shaky from her tears, but she hopes
it doesn’t sound as full of fear as it did before.
He reaches up to brush the wet path still left from her
tears from her cheeks before he is pushing her glasses back in place, goosebumps
rising under her skin at the feel of his fingers as they tuck a stray curl
behind her ear.
so theres a rant brewing in me and i need to let it out…
the five parts of Heir of Fire that destroyed my heart:
“He ripped his cold magic from the air and turned it inward, wrapping it around his heart.”
It killed me to read this because the thing about Dorian is that I never considered him to suffer. He’s the prince and yes he has a horrible father who he has to continuously fake submission to but I never really felt that his feelings suffered for it. But then this line… Dorian has a heart and now I want to protect it at all costs. And the way this book ended totally fucked Dorian over, he is in the worst state and someone needs to get their shit together in order to save him or I will slip into a miserable-feels-induced coma.
2) The burnout
While Celaena was keeping the fires going at the celebration and she nearly burned herself out- that was intense. I found myself reading that chapter so quickly but so thoroughly, I couldnt afford to skip a word but I also couldnt linger on one word for too long. When it happened it’s when I knew that Celaena and Rowan were meant to be whatever they’re meant to be. I love them so much, I can’t believe how beautifully and painfully their relationship evolved in this book.
“Like the ebb and flow of the tide, the bath froze, then melted, froze, then melted, slower each time. And each time, the cold soaked into her a bit more, numbing her, urging her body to relax.
Ice and fire. Frost and embers. Locked in a battle, pushing and pulling. Beneath it, she could almost taste Rowan’s steel will slamming against her magic- a will that refused to let the fire burn her into nothing.”
And then, obviously I went mad when he finally saw her Endovier scars and his reaction, but really it was when she was burning out and he felt the urgency of her pain and he was literally the only one who could help her that I lost my shit and knew that part would stick with me.
3) The whipping
“‘Please,’ Celaena whispered. There was a crack, and the world fragmented as Rowan bowed when the whip sliced into his back. He gritted his teeth, hissing, but did not cry out.”
This was just one of those moments while reading that I could imagine so vividly that it hurt. I just can’t read it and not think about if this were made into a movie, how awful and ugly I would look while sobbing to this scene.
4) Sorscha’s beheading
Chaol thought he had not heard it, the wind that cleaved through the air just before the guard’s sword did.
One blow from that mighty sword.
That was all it took to sever Sorscha’s head.
The scream that erupted out of Dorian was the worst sound that Chaol had ever heard.”
This was just the most unexpected, brutal, devastating part of this book. Like. JESUS CHRIST. I was in love with Sorscha. She was incredible and silently strong and so important. And she was so good for Dorian. Not anymore *cries*
5) I love you
“Chaol stared at Dorian in mute horror as his friend’s eyes glowed a deep, raging blue, and the prince snarled at the king, ’Don’t you touch him.’…[Chaol] looked at his friend, perhaps for the last time, and said what he had always known, from the moment they’d met, when he’d understood that the prince was his brother in soul. 'I love you.’”
I feel like this is something that not many authors would do. It’s a line that’s not really ever crossed. “I love you” is hardly ever said in such a serious and emotional manner between two people that aren’t romantically involved and that aren’t of opposite sex. There’s so much love between Chaol and Dorian and i’m astonished and greatful at how starkly it is expressed.
Throughout the entire book, Chaol had this huge flaw of not choosing sides and not making up his mind and I wasn’t sure if I felt the same about him anymore until he said that to Dorian. Because now I know for sure where he stands and it gives me hope that if he can freely love Dorian and his magic, then he can freely love Celaena even if she’s also Aelin.