Part 8 - Find Me
Pairing: Luke & Y/N
Copyright © 2015-2016 DestielHolmes. All rights reserved.
School is worse than ever. I used to have just one person to avoid, now I have two.
I can’t listen to what the teachers are saying cause I have too many voices in my head. I’m used to them and I’m good making them go away when I’m in a crowded place I just watch what the other people are doing, study their movements ask myself if I can be like them, carefree.
When I’m alone it’s worse, there’s nothing I can distract myself with and the voices get louder and louder until I can’t breathe.
Monday, no one likes it and I’m not an exception but there are Mondays that I like, for example this one.
I don’t know if I’m in a psychologist or psychiatrist anymore because I don’t know if I’m going crazy or not. I started with psychologist then I got worse so it must be a psychiatrist.
“Hey Paul.” I greeted him.
“Oh Y/N, hi. You can go in.” He said smiling. I like Paul he is nice, he’s older than me but he’s always shy. He finished college and came here to get more experience in his area. I used to talk to him about it while I waited for my appointment and he’s one of the persons that influenced me into following this kind of medicine. Psychiatric. And the main reason was me, I wanted to understand what’s wrong with me.
“Y/N! Nice to see you.” Mrs. Eeras said with her so subtle smile.
I like her, I want to be like her. Normally I can tell what kind of person someone is just by looking at them but not with her, she’s so mysterious but so kind. I can’t see through her and that made our sessions interesting, always mentally fighting one another to see if we can get something out.
“Hi, Sarah.” She likes to be called for her first name. I think that it’s to make her patients feel better, more welcoming.
“So how many p.a.’s?” We talked a lot of panic attacks so we decided to shorten it. This was so normal. I think if other people were watching they were to think she was being rude or not professional but it was just a way to make a serious thing not so serious and to try and make the panic attack not sound that frightening to me. She was good but I could see through that and she knew, maybe that’s why she says I’ll be a great psychiatrist.
“Fourteen… Two per day.” I said as I sat down.
“Two? They are increasing. Did something happen to make them rise?” She said landing down her note book that she knew that annoyed me. People taking notes of what you’re saying so they can study you later? No thank you. I don’t want her to study me I want her to understand me.
I looked at the ground when she asked the reason of the p.a.’s.
“So old demons hum?” Ugh I hate when she reads me that easily. I’m gonna win this game! It’s fun when I think this way cause I don’t take this things so seriously and they start to lose their weight on me until they faint. Like the old demon did, she made it go away, but something or someone made it come back.
“And today?” She asked since I didn’t answer. Well I didn’t need to she already knew.
“You know I never have p.a.’s when I come to see you. You make me feel good, you’re like my medicine. How’s that make you feel? Having someone depend on you? It must feel great.” I sassed.
“You’re my patient not the other way around. Don’t study me!” I smirked. One on one doc.
“So about that boy, Luke was it?” She smirked.
“You just said the old demon was back and you want to talk about Luke?” I raised an eyebrow at her.
“Yeah I like that guy.” She smiled at me. What is she playing at?
“You like that he fucks girls and leaves?” I raised both my eyebrows at her.
“No… I like the he fucked you and stayed.” She smirked.
“He didn’t sta-” I cut myself off as the memories from our first night came back to me.
“Don’t leave me.” I whispered.
He said he wouldn’t leave but he told me he just fell asleep.
“I guess there was a change on the events?” She asked while I spaced off.
“I… He… He’s just makes me feel worse.” I couldn’t bring myself to tell her or I didn’t know how.
“Does he? If I remember since he appeared in the picture your p.a.’s descend.” She pointed out.
“No! He made them worse he told Jake-” She cut me off.
“First that name it prohibited in here, second if you want to be a psychiatrist you cannot exalt yourself just because someone says something you don’t like and third it is a fact that this boy made your p.a.’s decrease and he made some stop. Y/N can’t you see? He’s good for you.” She’s insane. Good for me he’s not good for anyone.
“Good for me? He used me just to piss of Ja-, well you know who.” I said with my voice back to normal.
“Did he really? Because if he really just wanted to use you he wouldn’t have come back for you. What I’m saying is he said he just used you but if he just wanted that, he wouldn’t bother with you anymore but instead he returned.” She clarified.
“He said it’s because I make him feel powerful.” I rolled my eyes when I remembered.
“Of course you do. Any man that can get the girl he wants feels powerful and I know you started to take a like on him too.” She declared.
“What? No I didn’t.” I said kinda pissed off.
“Y/N, you’re always so rational you should have been able to figure this out on you own but you couldn’t because your heart is getting in the way. Do you ever stop to think why does he do what he does? Everyone as a reason for their actions.” She’s so calm saying every word at a time while I’m falling apart.
“You sound like you’re defending him.” I protested.
“Come on Y/N you’re smarter than that. If you can’t figure this out by yourself I’ll tell you: he likes you Y/N.” She affirmed.
“He doesn’t like anyone.” I hate how it hurts because I want to believe it but I know it isn’t true.
“Where should I start? He showed jealousy, that’s a sign, he gives you whatever stupid excuse he makes to show you he doesn’t care but he always comes back running to you, he refuses to have a good night of sex with god know who to be with you, I think that’s enough. Oh wait the big one that you were always wondering about, do you know why Luke hates you know who and you know who hates Luke so much?” She asked excited because she figure out something that we were always trying to find an answer to.
“If I knew I wouldn’t be wondering about it.” I said in a boring tone.
“Because he always liked you. You knew each other since you where kids right? And suddenly he backs away from you. Was it suddenly or was it when you met you know who?” It was her time to raise her eyebrows to me.
I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t assimilate the ideas, I just stared at her.
“I think I’ll go know.” I simply said.
My head was messy nothing made sense. I need to know… Where could he be?
I need to find him. It’s Monday, best bet it’s home.
I knocked at his door and Calum came answer it. “Is Luke home?”
“Yup he’s in his room. Do you want to come in?” He asked.
“No it’s ok I’ll wait here I just need to ask him something it won’t take long.” I explained. Me in his room again? No… here is safer.
“Ok then I’ll call him.” He said with a smile as he disappeared.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Jerk.
“Hi to you too.” I sassed.
“Yeah, whatever. What do you want?” He asked bored.
“I need to ask you something.” I said.
“Ok.” He waited for me to ask.
“Do you like me?” He seemed taken back by my question but then he chuckled.
“Y/N I told you you’re not special you’re just another girl.” Just another girl… Always pleasant to hear.
“That’s what I though.” I whispered.
“If you knew, what are you doing here?” He sassed.
“Why do you have sex with so many girls and then leave?” I asked.
“You should mind you own business. You’re nothing to me ok? Just go.” Nothing… Nothing to me…
“So why do you always come back?” It hurts hearing those words but I tried my best to make my voice normal.
“What are you talking about?” He raised an eyebrow at me.
“I don’t remember you getting more than twice with another girl and you come to me knowing you won’t going to have sex. You come to me and comfort me and then leave me in pieces. Why are you playing with me? What did I do to you?” My voice was cracking at the end.
“I’m not playing with you.” His actions changed instantly when he heard my voice cracking.
“You said you didn’t like me but you won’t leave me alone! Why? Was it a bet? Or you just want to get back at Jake for god knows what? Why are you using me like this?” I wanted to scream at him but my voice was too weak. Why do I always break in front of him?
“I’m not using you.” He stepped closer to me putting his hands on my arms and rubbing them, his voice sweeter.
“So what is it then? Why did you have to tell Jake about us?”
“I didn’t.” His answers were getting on my nerves! Why didn’t he elaborate?
“You said you did!” I pointed out stepping back.
“I just wanted to piss you off.” He said bringing me closer again.
“Why does he want me back then?”
“What?” He asked raising his voice. That made him angry.
“He said that he wanted me back and you said you told him about us so I thought you two were using me to piss off each other.” I explained.
“What did you say? Are you two back?” Any sign of anger was gone he now looked desperate.
“I said I needed to think-” He cut me off.
“You can’t go back to him. He’s going to hurt you. What kind of guy in is right mind chooses football over you? He doesn’t deserve you!” Desperate in his eyes and worry in his voice.
“But you do?” I wasn’t even thinking on what he did to girls I wanted a to know what he wanted.
We just stared at each other after I said that.
“Do you want me or are you going to leave?” I whispered.
His right hand made it’s way to the back of my neck and pushed me full against him connecting out lips together.
Sweet, gentle, caring kiss with a little bit of lust and desire.
“Did you push me away because of Jake?” I breathed against his lips as the kiss stopped.
I opened my eyes and stared at the ocean blue on his.
“You can’t do this now Y/N. I’m not little Luke anymore I’m different.” He breathed.
“Luke are you going to take long?” A girl that I’ve never seen before came to the door and I pulled myself away from him.
“I see…” I smiled at him but my insides were rotting.
You fond me and helped me fight my demons, just to leave and create another one.
I’m asking myself every night if you’ll find me again.
I know it’s stupid, because you’re not mine, you’re not even someone else’s for me to take.
Copyright © 2015-2016 DestielHolmes. All rights reserved.
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