i might delete this later this is ugly

I was sad and did some googling and I found out that I’m not the only one who would do this night time ritual as a child. 

Right before falling asleep I’d fantasize about a magical creature appearing in my room bc it was drawn to my sadness and it’d grant me wishes and my wish would be for it to change everything about me and my skin would slowly lighten and so would my eyes. Sometimes I’d have them turn blue and sometimes I’d have them turn green and my hair would get longer and silky and I’d jump out of bed and grin and twirl and play w my hair and I’d thank the fairy creature and kiss it on the cheek and it’d say that it’d come back every so often to keep me company and then it’d leave. I’d think about that and then smile and drift off to sleep and it would always give me a floaty comforting feeling with some sadness. If I was crying or upset about how I look I’d just daydream and be able to fall right asleep. 

I guess it was my childlike way to cope. I needed an escape bc those feelings of despair contrasted so starkly to my careless youth and I didn’t know what to do. I wonder if I can still categorize it as careless youth. I don’t know. I had like a double sided childhood? As far back as I can remember I’ve had a such dreadful sadness. Sometimes I’d be a regular kid and then I wouldn’t be. I’d be crying and hitting and pinching myself and pulling at my hair and calling myself mean things in the mirror. Then I’d go back to playing make believe w my dolls or trying to do hand stands. I’ve been carrying around this sadness since I was 5 or so and I always get such a weird feeling when I think back to how kid me would deal with this stuff. She shouldn’t have had to feel so sad. It’s not fair and I wish I could have protected her somehow. 

 As I got older, I still wished for it to change my features but more and more, I wished to fly or to have the ability to shoot fire from my hands or I’d wish for telekinesis and telepathy. I wanted beauty but I realized that I wanted power as well. I wanted to be beautiful and powerful. I still do. I do it every so often now. It actually still works and I fall asleep so fast. Tbh I just break my own heart over and over again by immersing myself into such an emotional fantasy where I get to look beautiful only to open my eyes and remember that I’m not and never will be. It’s probably not the healthiest thing to do. I guess I should stop eventually. I don’t think I’ll ever outgrow daydreaming about fairies or otherworldly creatures though. I think that stuff is very real. At least some of it anyways.

So after all that anon drama I had yesterday, it really put me in a mood so I just made myself happy by curling my hair and putting some makeup on haha.. I have always been shy showing my face on here but I felt kinda descent looking so thought, “Might as well!” Sorry if your computer suddenly crashes and burns up over seeing my ugly mug!


About admin?

Name: E
Age: 23
Height: 4'11
Personality: shy, anxious
Stuff about: blind without glasses,
easily scared/intimidated by others
Sleeping is happiness
Social anxiety
Panics easily around others
Panic attacks
Draws to distract mind
Use tabled bamboo wook(probably misspell)
English and Spanish speaker, suck at writing both tho
Tongue twist much.

And here I present a studious Akaashi in glasses from a while ago cause I’m seriously having such a terrible art block and I don’t know what I’m doing with myself (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻

(Now that I can’t draw shit this actually doesn’t look as terrible as it did when I drew it… But maybe when I can draw again this will look ugly again ┐( ̄ー ̄)┌ )

Not to sound too bitter, but can non-Asians get out of the “don’t headcanon Asian men as ace/aro” argument please? Like, I’ve seen someone basically say that all Asian men are ugly and then say that people only headcanon Asian men as ace/aro because of this. And how can you even claim that Asian men are ALWAYS desexualized? Have you ever listened to a weeaboo talk about us? You idiots have to calm down.

Listen, all ace/aro Asian men, you are not being racist for thinking an Asian character might be like you, and you don’t have internalized racism for identifying the way you do, and I’m sorry anyone would have the lack of sense and compassion to say something like that. It’s awful. That’s so fucking terrible I’m still trying to wrap my head around it as a non-ace/aro person.

@Every ugly bitch that says things along those lines or agrees with that sentiment: you sound like a fucking weeaboo who feels threatened that someone might think that your fave anime husbando might not be available to you because you feel entitled to even fictional Asian men’s bodies. You all are fucking buzzards, seriously. Vultures.

None of you understand what it’s like to have to go through the fetishization Asian men have to go through, and sentiment like this just sweeps gross “husbando/waifu” lust under the rug and it’s disgusting. Fuck, I’m a East Asian mlm I can tell you we can’t catch a fucking break, especially not those of us who are LGBT+ 

howdareyouhughdancy  asked:

you should write a fic where someone keeps sending clarke pictures of bellamy wearing glasses when she's in class

I’m glad you’ve also started giving me prompts for a fandom you’re not in good job Tree. But you’re right this is v important.


Bellamy starts it, not that he knows he’s starting it. He sends a group text while Clarke is in her gross anatomy class with pictures of himself in two different pairs of glasses and the caption: Anyone have strong opinions on which is better?

Clarke does, in fact, have a lot of strong opinions about Bellamy’s glasses, namely that he should wear them way more than he does and that they’re bad for her mental well being. So she saves both pictures and then settles in to really study them. Because who needs class, right? She’s totally going to pass this test. And Bellamy needs guidance.

The first picture he’s rocking black hipster frames, the thick ones that look fake even when they aren’t. He still looks great in them, at least to Clarke, so either he looks good in anything, or Clarke is way too far gone. Probably both. Stupid Bellamy.

The second pair look like old-man glasses, and are insanely unflattering while still looking good. They make him look like he’s going to start ranting about commies and Nam and how kids these days don’t appreciate the importance of hard work. Which, to be fair, aside from Nam, he probably would.

Is there a third option? she replies, and that’s her first mistake, apparently.

She gets an individual text from Raven in minutes that says, Your kink is showing and one to the group from Octavia that says, Don’t encourage him!!! She follows up with, But those are both awful, Bell, yeah two seconds later, so at least she probably doesn’t suspect Clarke has any special investment in this.

I’m being a helpful friend, Clarke texts Raven, and definitely doesn’t check her phone three more times in the next ten minutes to see if Bellamy has responded. Ideally with additional pictures.

He sends two more options before the class is over, and Clarke dutifully saves both and tells him to go with the black wire frames.

You never even wear your glasses, she adds, in a private text.

I’m thinking I might start, he replies. Thanks for the help.

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