i meant to do this earlier in the week

Hey Elisa. I’m sorry I left so fast. I still sit at my work and I don’t think we solved anything or that it changed anything.
Still I’m sorry I left so soon! I don’t really know how I’m supposed to treat you. We obviously meant different things when you said I shouldn’t do the same shit over again earlier. I am how I am right now with all my schedules and positive stress- and I do not want to change that. To hurt you was not my intention so it would be best if we don’t see each other again?
—  A week prior he told me I was the most amazing person he ever met and that he loved me throughout the whole year although he didn’t want to be together. He apologized for all the times he made me fall for him and then rejected me again. And he did that a lot.
We talked that day of the message. He told me he’s too occupied with work to have a relationship right now. Compared me to his best friend he hadn’t seen in a few months. That I should be glad he made time for me.
Two weeks after this message he got back together with his ex from two years ago. I caught them on the streets in the big city I live in. I had a breakdown. Everyone of our friends knew apart from me. After a month I told him I wished him good luck with his girlfriend. He never apologized.
I should have known because he once said he didn’t know if he would get together with her again if she came around. Why does the universe hate me so much. - After two years I still love him. What have I done to deserve this.
this is longer than i thought

We were together for a year and a half in total. After a few months, she was always telling me I wasn’t talking to her enough, I wasn’t doing enough for her, that she’d kill herself if I didn’t put more into our relationship. I tried to talk to her every day, and she wouldn’t respond for weeks. I found out she cheated on me (with her ex, who she claims was abusive) through a Facebook post, and when I asked her about it she immediately deleted the post, apologized, said she “thought we were through” because I “wasn’t talking to her”. I loved her with everything I was (and she was also the first person I completely opened myself to in YEARS), so this hurt beyond anything I’ve ever felt. To this day, it still hurts.

During this relationship, my friends kept telling me she was abusive, that I need to break up with her, that she wasn’t worth it. My thoughts were, “You don’t understand. She’s right, I’ve been busy with all my classes, I should talk to her more. I don’t deserve her, she deserves better than I can give.” As the months went on, these thoughts and feelings grew deeper and I grew highly dependent on her even though she wouldn’t even say “good morning” to me most days. After she cheated on me and we “officially” broke up, I still refused to believe she had done anything wrong during our time together. 

About a week later, she apologized again and asked if we could make up. She said she was willing to try again. I told her no, because she cheated on me and I would never forgive someone who cheats. She explained again that she thought we were through, and I asked her what exactly made her think that. “You didn’t talk to me, so…” to which I pulled out my phone and sent the logs, and pulled up the Skype logs. She kept trying to make up with me, and in the end I agreed but told her not to expect me to want to be around her, to which she told me I was being too harsh.

We were in a group chat on Skype with a couple of friends of mine from a while before that, one of which confided to me in that week that he had a crush on her. As proof that he would treat her well, he sent me their chat (which I didn’t ask for and wasn’t interested in. I wound up reading it anyway because despite all this, I still loved her and wanted to be sure she’d be treated right). She had told him that all of her exes (including me) had been abusive, that all of them (including me, the asexual) had only wanted her for sex, that she just wanted someone to love her for her instead of her body, that she wanted someone who would look past her shyness and anxiety. She told him, word for word, what she told me when she confessed to me. They were together for two weeks, then she went back to the ex. It wasn’t until then that I thought that maybe she might have, MIGHT HAVE, been abusive.

It’s been three years and it still hurts, but I still can’t bring myself to get her out of my life. I loved her so much. I was so broken when she cheated on me that I hurt myself and one of my friends had to talk me out of doing worse. I still love her, and I know I should get her out of my life, but I just, I can’t. I still try to talk to her (she talks more now than she did when we were together?) I try to play it off as “the past has passed, I’ve moved on” but every time she posts a picture, every time she posts a status, every time someone mentions her, it hurts. And it will continue to hurt, because I can’t do it.

You just asked for signs of an abusive woman but I don’t really know how to phrase it without telling it like this..? Any kind of abuse has a lasting effect, whether it’s men, women, parents, lovers, children… It affects and influences the abused for their entire life.

SERVAMP Alarm Clock Translations

So earlier this week someone asked @kairei-chan​ about the alarm clock and what they meant in English.. I’m pretty sure someone else has already posted a translation but here’s my take on it too!
–Just wanted to do something for the Servamp community here on Tumblr :’D

The audio clips can be found HERE and HERE, and a big thanks to Kairei for uploading them!
Also, do note that it might not be 100% accurate and my English might sound awkward… :’D

Keep reading

Behind The Scenes 2 (6/16)

Author’s note: I honestly meant to start posting this yesterday, but I forgot because I had school. That is also the same reason why i’m posting this earlier than I usually do. this “scene” is long and will have a few parts to it. Sorry for any errors

Genre: forced “fluff” (Jungkook)

Word count: 2994

WARNING: some physical abuse

Summary: You finally get to talk to your parents and Rap monster makes a plan for you and Jungkook.

Other parts: HERE

This is my GIF. I made it based off of this scenario series.

You and the guys were in the practice room eating lunch on the floor. It had been about a week since the episode “revealing” that you and Jungkook were dating had been shot. That episode had just aired a few days ago and the boys’ phones were still ringing constantly from new notifications.

“ARMY is still going crazy from all this news…”, Suga said as he scrolled through his phone.

“Yup.”, Jhope agreed looking at all the stuff on his phone. “There are so many memes of Jungkook though. It’s hilarious!”

“But there is a lot of hate too.”. Jimin said. “Tons of fans are mad that Jungkook is in a relationship and over the fact that he kept it secret. It’s all a mix of jealousy and betrayal.” He said, sympathetically patting Jungkook’s back and resting his head on his shoulder.

“Tons of hate on y/n too… Sorry y/n.” V said.

“Just drop it Tae.” Jhope said. “They are just upset that Jungkook isn’t single. Don’t worry y/n they don’t really hate you.” he reassured, giving your shoulder a small squeeze.

Rap Monster stayed quiet. He just wrote on a piece of paper as he ate.

“They are calling you a whore, a bitch, and a dream ruiner. They are saying that you are stealing Jungkook. Oh! And that you are ugly and fat. And let’s not forget about those death threats! At least they see what I see.”, Jimin smiled.

Jungkook let out a long sigh and ran his fingers through his hair. Based on his expression it was easy to see that he was distressed. “You know what the worst part is?” he asked. His expression was now empty and he was staring off into space.  

“What?” the boys asked in concern, noticing his seriousness.

“… I can’t fuck freely anymore! Do you know how hard it’s going to be too find someone that’ll be down to fuck now that I’m “in a relationship”?”

“Piece of shit!”, “Damn Jungkook! I thought you were serious!” they shouted back at him.

“I feel you bro.” V said to Jungkook mockingly.

“What you really need to worry about is a scandal stupid! Now all those bitches you fucked are going to come out and say that you were cheating on y/n! Then they will REALLY hate you!”, Jin warned.

“One step at a time.” Rap Monster muttered. The eeriness of his voice silenced everyone.

Everything was still quiet when you heard a ringtone coming from Rap Monster’s bag. You recognized it. It was a custom ringtone you had set for your parents.

“Right on time.” Rap Monster stood up and walked over to the bag, pulling out your cell phone.

He ended the call before the ringtone could repeat. He walked over to you and handed you the piece of paper that he was writing on. You took a quick look at it. Almost the entire sheet was filled with paragraphs of writing scribbled on it.

“Your fucking parents have been a pain in my ass and they have been texting and calling nonstop when they found out that you and Jungkook are “dating”. Call them and read what I wrote for you. Each one is to a different question they’ve been asking the most. Only say things that have been written down on that paper.”. He told everyone to shut up and tossed you your cell phone.

You cradled your phone. It had been so long since you even laid eyes on it. You turned on the screen. The lock screen was different; it was change to a BTS logo. You tried to unlock the phone, but your password wouldn’t work. You handed it back to Rap Monster.

“Oh fuck! I forget that I changed it.” He took the phone from you, moving a bit to make sure you couldn’t see what he was putting. He tossed it back at you. The screen had your dad’s phone number waiting to be called. You grabbed the paper and made the call. You put the phone on speaker like you were supposed. You sat nervously as all the boys stared at you.

“Hello? Y/n?”. you could hear your dad speaking. He sounded a bit frantic.

“Hi dad.”, You couldn’t help but smile. It was a bittersweet moment. You felt happy to hear his voice, but hearing him reminded you how much you missed your family. It had been weeks since the last time you were allowed to talk to your parents. Since everyone had been so busy, they didn’t give you time to call them. It had been so long since you had a chance to speak to them, you forgot what you last spoke to them about.

“Is that y/n? Y/n! We heard that you were on TV!” your mom said loudly.

You could feel a lump forming in your throat. You let out a tiny cough to try and make sure your voice came out normal. “Hi mom! I miss you guys!”

Rap Monster painfully pulled a chunk of your hair for saying something that he didn’t write down.

You let out a little squeal.

“What was that?” your parents asked.

“Nothing! I just tripped that’s all…”

“So what is all this news about you dating this idol? We thought you were in school! We thought you had a job as a waitress, not some assistant to an idol!”. Your dad was pissed.

Rap monster snapped his fingers and you looked up at him. He mouthed the words “Read the paper.”

Your parents were still lecturing you while you scanned that paper for a proper answer. “Um… wait… Can I just say some things to explain myself?” You continued to scan the paper until you came to a small paragraph towards the bottom of the page.

“Um… I’m so sorry that I lied to you two, but I had to. The guy I am dating is Jungkook from the kpop group Bangtan Boys. I couldn’t say anything about it because I didn’t want him to get in trouble. I couldn’t tell anyone, not even you guys. Um… about school… I am still going to school, but all my classes are online classes… And I’m sorry that I lied about being a waitress. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was working for idols. I just didn’t want to get harassed about it and all that. I didn’t want there to be any kind of known connection between me and Jungkook either.”

Your parents began bombarding you with even more questions. “That’s no excuse for you not answering our calls! Why have you been doing that? Where are you staying?!? We tried to visit you the other day, but you never picked up your phone. We called your building and they told us that you didn’t live there anymore! We called your friends, but they told us that you haven’t been talking to them either! That you basically cut your connections with them! Why?!? What’s going on?!? Tell us what’s going on!”

You began frantically reading over the paper for an answer, but you couldn’t find anything.

Rap monster snapped his fingers again and mouthed the words “end it”.

“Um… Mom. Dad. I have to go now. I have a lot of work to catch up on and I have homework to do later. I’ll talk to you guys some other time. Bye. I love you! Bye.”

You quickly ended the call. Rap monster snatched your phone out of your hands and pushed it into his pocket. He casually went back to eating, stuffing a spoonful of rice into his mouth.

You felt like a deflated balloon. Hearing your parents’ voices reminded you how much you missed them. It hurt so much that you had to lie to them. All you wanted to do was cry to them to help you get away from the bad situation you were stuck in. You just wanted to hide away into the safety of their arms. You couldn’t imagine how worried they must be about you. They hadn’t seen you in months. They hadn’t heard from you in weeks. They didn’t even know where to find you.

You felt heavy with guilt. You rested your head on Suga’s shoulders and stared off to the door of the practice room. You lost your appetite. You just fantasized about running out the door and going to your parent’s house

Suga stayed quiet. He couldn’t really think about what to say to you. What could he say? Jhope moved closer to you and took your hand in his.

“Jungkook.” Rap monster called out.

“Yeah?” Jungkook asked looking up from his phone.

“Do you think you have the choreo down?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“Hoseok, does it seem like he has it down?” Rap monster asked Jhope

“Um, yeah. Why?” Jhope asked also. He was using his free hand to get some pills out of his little pill case.

“Jungkook, you have to take y/n on a date tonight.” Rap monster said blankly.

Jungkook began coughing, practically choking on his food. “What?” he coughed some more. Jimin and V were patting his back to help him get his food down. “Why the fuck do I have to do that?”

“Because I told you to.”

“I don’t want to!” Jungkook fought.

“You have to make it seem like you and y/n are actually dating.”

“I don’t think they have to do that!” Jimin said. “If they “dated” in secret, they can still “date” in secret.”

“It’s bad enough I can’t sleep around anymore, now you want me to take her on a date?” Jungkook asked, pointing at you.

Although Jungkook had always been crude to you, it was on his own terms. You began to notice that when he is forced to interact with you. His confidence to be an asshole flew out the window and what was left behind was a spoiled brat.

“I told you I was going to make you pay.” Rap monster said. “You’re lucky I’m going easy on you right now. One more fuck up and you’ll regret it.” He growled.

Jungkook immediately shut his mouth and went back to eating his food.

“Consequences Jungkook… Consequences.” Jin mumbled, backing up Rap monster’s orders.

“You guys need to act like a couple, a real couple.” Rap monster said.

“Yeah, yeah. I got it.” Jungkook said. By his body language you could tell that he was annoyed. He was acting like a child that wasn’t getting his way.

“Nah! That stupid little shit isn’t going to work for me! You gotta fucking prove it to me right now! Y/n get your ass over here!” he pointed at the spot next to Jungkook

You immediately crawled your way next to Jungkook. “You two fuckers need to look legit. If any shit about you guys looking upset together or if you guys were fighting, you’ll regret being little bitches about this.”

“Ok…” Jungkook said keeping his eyes head down.

“No!” Rap monster exploded. He threw his bowl of rice at Jungkook. “Prove it! Hug! Hug each other! Right now!”

You and Jungkook looked at each other and hesitated before slowly and awkwardly hugging each other. The hug barely lasted a second before you pulled away from Jungkook. You couldn’t help but still feel disgust by him. No matter what, after know about his fuckboy ways, you couldn’t help but find him repulsive.

“You fucking bitch!” Rap monster ripped Jin’s bowl of rice out of his hand and chucked it at you.

“My rice!” Jin whimpered.

“You two already fucked! Why are you so hesitant?!? Again!” Rap monster shouted.

You both looked at him.

“I said to fucking do it again!”

Again you two hugged. You hugged again and again, until he felt you two looked like you did it lovingly.

“Okay. Now hold hands.”

You grabbed Jungkook’s hand, keeping your hands on the floor in between the two of you.

“No! Not like that! Interlock your fingers.”

You both did as he said.

“When you two are walking around you better be holding hands like that. Now… Sit closer. Jungkook when you hold hands, rest your hands on your thigh.”

He did as he was told.

“Now kiss.”

“Oh fuck no!” “They don’t gotta do that shit!” Jimin and Suga exploded.

“That’s a bit too much Namjoon.” Jhope added.

“Yeah, I agree with Hoseok. They don’t need to go that far.” V said.

“Yes they fucking do!” Rap monster snapped. “You guys saw this fucker in the video!” he shouted, grabbing Jungkook by his shirt and shaking his aggressively. “He has to keep that stupid shit up in public too! Now fucking kiss!” He pushed Jungkook on top of you.

“Ah fuck.” Jungkook grunted, getting himself back up in a sitting positon.  “Let’s get this over with.” Without much notice, he crashed his lips into yours.

Your first instinct was to push him off of you. Doing so brought off another explosion of frustration from Rap monster. Like he did Jungkook, he came up to you and began shaking you violently and screaming in your face.

“Leave her alone!” Suga shouted. He jumped up from the floor and pushed Rap monster off of you.

Rap monster quickly pounced on Suga, tackling him to the ground. “What the fuck do you prefer I do huh?” He shouted, punching Suga. “Do you want her with Jungkook?” Another punched landed on Suga’s face. “Or do you want me to kill her?”

You got up and tried to pull Rap monster off of him. Your attempts were somewhat unsuccessful. Yes, you got Rap monster off of Suga, but his focus was now on you. He latched on to your shirt, using it to pick himself up. There were no words, just slaps. Each one getting harder than the last.

“Namjoon!” V ran up and somehow squeezed himself in between you and Rap monster, taking a slap that was meant for you. V pushed his arms out, getting Rap monster off of the two of you. “Stop! She can’t go out if she’s bruised up!”

V’s words were able to calm Rap monster down. His breathing slowed, but he still looked furious.  V stayed in between the two of you. He had on arm on your shoulder and his other arm stuck out to keep Rap monster at a distance.

You looked over at Suga. Jhope was by his side, helping him off the floor. There was blood all over his shirt and there was a few drops on the floor. You slowly made your way over to him. Upon closer inspection, you could tell it was from a nosebleed.

“Oh Yoongi! Squeeze your nose. Don’t tilt your head back.” You said softly. You reached out to try and help him to his bag.

“I got it.” He mumbled. He waved your hands away from him. He let Jhope help him to his bag and pulled out his towel.

“Y/n.” Rap monster called. “Get back over here.” He pointed to the spot next to Jungkook.

You dragged yourself over to him and sat down.

“Kiss.” Rap monster growled, standing over the two of you.

Again, in an act of getting the moment over with, Jungkook quickly pushed his lips onto yours. Although you didn’t pull away this time, it was very obvious that you didn’t enjoy it. You let out a little squeal and your whole body had tensed up.

“Nope, not good enough. Again!” Rap monster ordered.

Like with hugs, again and again and again, you had to touch Jungkook’s lips with yours. Each time felt more and more disgusting. You felt so violated and embarrassed. You hated the fact that Jungkook’s skin was touching yours. You hated that you were forced to do it over and over again. What you hated the most was that you were forced to do it in front of the other members.

Eventually Rap monster let you guys stop. He pulled out his cell phone and called the manager. “Hey, take a break from the deliveries. Come pick up Jungkook and y/n… I just need you to do it that’s why… Take them to the dorm. When they are ready take them to the movies… Yeah… I’ll get Jimin to do it. Don’t worry.” He said, quickly moving his line of sight to Jimin. Then he glared to you and Jungkook. “Jin, look up a movie for around 7pm.” He put his phone in his other pocket. “You two are going to go to the dorm to change. Try to get your clothes to match and shit. You’re gonna go on the fucking date. By tomorrow our phones better be blasting with pictures of the two of you. Don’t forget to make a small video afterwards and post it on twitter or something. Remember, you gotta be legit!”

“I don’t have any money. We should just skip this date idea.” Jungkook said defiantly.

Without a word, Rap monster walked over to his bag and pulled something out. You couldn’t tell what it was because he kept it hidden in his hands. He came back to the two of you and squat down a few feet in front of Jungkook.

“No money? What happened to your share?” he asked menacingly.

“I blew it all.” Jungkook’s tone of voice was rather cocky. It was as if he thought he found a loop hole in Rap monster’s plan.

“You blew it all?” Rap monster was fidgeting with the item in his hands.

Jungkook was glaring back at Rap monster. “Yup-“

Suddenly, Rap monster harshly threw a fist full of money at Jungkook’s face. “No excuses. Get your shit together, the manager will be here soon. He’s got some other important stuff to do so don’t take too long getting ready.”

Soon the rest of the guys began practicing as you and Jungkook sat against the wall, waiting for the manager to pick you up.

anonymous asked:

My ex broke up w/ me in Jan. We're childhood friends so we're pretty close. But I'm not over him & he's said stuff that has made me question. He's more touchy, poking me & hugging me. Earlier today I was texting him & he randomly says "I miss you", not sure if it's because we haven't seen each other all week or if it meant more since it was random. I'm not sure what I should do. Should I just ask him if he still has feelings for me & if we have a chance?

I guess if you want to you can, but from my perspective, he broke up with you and I think if you were going to get back together, he would have to initiate it. You said you’ve been friends forever so he might just miss you as a friend. I don’t know. Personally I wouldn’t go there again because it sounds like you guys are in a good place, and revisiting those feelings might hurt that. Might be nice to find out why he broke up with you though! All I can say is do what feels right :)

Gajevy Week 2016 - Blanket

Disclaimer - I do not own Fairy Tail, it is owned by Hiro Mashima

Prompt Number #1 - here it goes!

Gajeel walked into the guild later than normal, the sun starting to set in the sky behind him, and looked around for the shock of blue hair that he had fallen asleep next to last night. Well, when he said last night what he really meant was earlier this morning. He had come back late from a job, and collapsed onto the bed next to his Shrimp, too tired to even talk to her. Not that she would be annoyed at him, she always understood that sometimes a job took everything out of him, and he would struggle to stay awake when he got back to the house.

Keep reading

I’ll tell you now just how close you are

Aah, where do I start? Happy 6th anniversary, UtaPri! It was such an exiting day with all the announcements. As always, I’m late with meeting deadlines (I had reasons this time, though) and my 6th anniversary picture is still a sketchy WIP. I had meant to upload this picture one of these days anyway, so why not on a special day?

Ever since I saw the pictures of Mamo’s Generating!Live outfit, I fell in love with the outfit he wears during the Ballad Corner. I was watching some of the videos earlier this week, and randomly pressed pause during  [HOW CLOSE YOU ARE]. That still image would become my drawing/painting reference. I will one day paint Mamo again, but this time it’s Tokiya <3

You maybe not reproduce, alter, edit or claim as your own in any way. Do not upload this to another website without my permission.

εxтяα ℓιғε // Starter for 《 @yoshizawaaamiki​ 》

To say Miu was tired would be an understatement. Work had been incredibly demanding today, and as much as she would love to pass out on her bed, she promised her fanbase a stream tonight. But no worries, she was sure she’d wake up some after playing for a while. She began unlocking the door to her apartment before noticing the figure across from her, right next door. It had to be the new tenant right? Miu meant to make a proper introduction earlier in the week, but never got around to doing so. But you know what they say: no time better than the present. “Hey!” she chimed, maybe with a bit too much enthusiasm, despite her weariness. “You’re my new neighbor right? Nice to meet you! I’m Miu.” She smiled at the other, with a small bow of her head.


HQ Halloweeny Week Day 4: Nintendo AU!

I really wanted to do a Pokémon AU, but since I can’t draw pokemon, I focused on scenes that Pokemon trainer Hinata might encounter during his journey! Click the pictures for captions on the scenes!

(Also, I didn’t realize until earlier, but the text bubbles are meant to be read right to left!)

[[ Do not repost anywhere else ]]


16 may ‘16 • 17/100 days of productivity [2 days to common tests (!!)]

I made some summary foldables yesterday. I never realised how useful they were until I made them (why did I not make them earlier?!)

And here’s a photo I took near the park while I was out for my jog in the morning. I couldn’t help but take a photo of this (even if it meant I had to stop running) ☁⛅✨

Gotta be really productive today and tomorrow!! 💪💪(And I might not be posting for the next one week or so cuz I’ll be busy studying)

{you can do this}

Chipotle - Vikklan

So after two months I bring you all another fic! IT took me so long to decide what to do for this, but here it is! Hope ya’ll enjoy!

Imagine that person A got person B’s Chipotle order wrong.

Vik was running late. And by running late, it meant that he was actually running trying to get home as fast as he could. Lachlan had texted him earlier, asking for Chipotle for dinner and Vik, being the gracious boyfriend he is, said that he’d gladly get the Australian some.

And now, he was late.

Keep reading


M3LL155X by FKA twigs

Since first hearing “Papi Pacify” off FKA twigs’ second EP in 2013, I have been obsessed with the experiential R&B artist and hungering for more. She’s been feeding her audience, with her debut album, LP1, released in August of 2014. Earlier this year and just six months after releasing LP1, twigs premiered the music video for “Glass & Patron”, a track off an upcoming EP that didn’t have a release date but was promised to drop later in the year. Okay, but why is later not now? I thought. I don’t do well with uncertainty.

Fortunately, later this year meant August! Earlier this month, twigs debuted her new single, “Figure 8,” and less than a week later, made an exciting return by pulling a Beyoncé, dropping her third EP, M3LL155X, with four additional songs, and even more shockingly, a 16-minute self-directed short film. The film features four out of the five tracks – “Figure 8”, “I’m Your Doll”, “In Time”, and “Glass & Patron.” Produced by BOOTS, M3LL155X is darker, more aggressive, than her first album.

The short film can be seen similarly as “an aggressive statement,” with the intention of “conceptualizing the process of feeling pregnant with pain, birthing creativity and liberation.”

To illustrate her intention for the film, twigs appears as three different versions of herself – a blow-up doll, a pregnant woman, and a model on the catwalk. The film transitions between tracks, and even though each song looks like a separate music video with different sets, costumes, and casts, the piece as one film can be understood. Successfully combining her EP with a visual story, twigs continues to prove herself a multi-talented artist (not that I ever doubted her).

In fact, when I first discovered twigs, it was her dancing, not her music, that I was most impressed by.  

Classically trained and a former backup dancer, twigs’ dancing reveals to listeners the muffled details or hard-to-catch beats of her music. Although not as flashy and fierce as her vogueing down a runway to “Glass & Patron,” I thought her choreography to “In Time” was the most entertaining four minutes of the film. Switching between styles, from modern to street dance, she moves with extraordinary confidence. Between the film, the song, and the dancing, I was overwhelmed. Yas girl yas. More than an artist, FKA twigs is a trailblazer, and she’s come back more ambitious than ever. I’m already anxious to hear, or see, more from her.

twigs, don’t make us wait too long.

final diary art for today- then i’ll (try) and make it a daily thing.

this one is all about one of my favourite bands, the 1975. earlier this week, their latest single came out- and i don’t know if they read it but i wrote a thing to them in response to something matty healy wrote

this was something i wrote on Facebook, in the moment- it feels like i may have been drunk when writing it. i meant every word, of course x

I want to make a big post out of this, because, not only do these words mean a lot to me- but the response/sharing of these feelings from other fans was beautiful, too;

I think our community is one of the most passionate, yet positive i have ever been apart of- i’m not really fond of fandoms, but i would proudly call myself a fan of the 1975.

the imagery on the side of the writing is important to me, (even if i drew it in like 5 seconds) what people wouldn’t know is, I was abused by a dick head in my teens, and had to come fully face to face with it back in 2013 (and ever since, really)- and the brutal honesty of those songs was more helpful in my understanding and comfort of a horrible experience, than the band will ever know, probably (I know it doesn’t make sense but that’s how i felt about this music!)

as usual this is scary for me to write, but i want to follow suit on these values, and be as open as i possibly can be. i don’t care if it’s cheesy! I love this music :) xxx

alright you can all laugh at me now, whatever i’m gonna go cry I DON’T CARE

some perks of having a really awful memory:
  • not being able to give directions, even to places you’ve been a million times before
  • constant brain-fog
  • not being able to remember long mathematical formulas for math tests
    • not remembering mathematical formulas ever
    • not remembering math
    • barely remembering anything learned in school
  • “i forgot” “that’s not an excuse!”
  • thinking “i’m so stupid” at least five times a day
  • “hey remember when-” probably not.
  • forgetting characters/plots to movies as soon as you finish watching them
  • “i’m such an idiot.”
  • unclear, foggy memories
    • beyond a certain point, no memories at all
    • memories that are clear are usually extremely awful or completely unimportant
  • writing notes to yourself then forgetting what you meant because you were too vague
  • writing notes to yourself then forgetting where you put them
  • “why can’t I just remember things.”
  • the fear that one day you won’t remember anything and you’ll lose your entire personality
  • “what was i doing earlier” “what did i do yesterday” “what did i do last week” 
  • asking completely obvious questions several times
    • asking any question several times really
      • “what month is it” every few days
      • “what day of the week is it” every day
  • having a really bad concept of time in general
  • writing things and completely forgetting you wrote them
  • forgetting the point of a post once you’ve started typing it out
Was reading on my lunch break

About how we are socially programmed to equate fat = ugly and my post earlier this week for my highlighted how true it is.

I did a post saying I felt fat and uncomfortable in my skin. Nothing was mentioned about me not feeling beautiful, it was purely feelings about my recent weight gain and how I don’t like how it feels. I still feel pretty babe-I licious most days, I just don’t like how my body holds fat and therefore literally: how fat feels.

I had so many comments of: “you’re still beautiful” and I KNOW these people meant well and doing what they thought was supportive and I truly appreciate that and this isn’t an attack on them but it really made me think.

Fat does not equal ugly. Fat equals fat. I’ve put on weight. I feel fat atm. Doesn’t mean I don’t also look and feel pretty.

It really concerned me how people couldn’t make that connection.