come on julie, pull through and deliver the goods. my door is open. i’m all ears, have been since 16th december 2016.
tell me about even and islam.
his past with it. his current, present stance on it. would he like to revisit it and go back to it now, with sana/the balloon squad? what are his thoughts about islam right now? where does he place himself alongside it? is he at peace? does he feel shame and like his last attempts to connect with islam are invalid? does he want someone to talk to about it with in the form of long deep discussions? does he have questions? is he still curious? what does he remember? the drawings and the sketches? “not all muslims are terrorists”? learning the qur'aan in arabic? what are his thoughts on converting? would he ever? would he never? what did islam mean to him then? what does islam mean to him now? if he was to hear the qur'aan be recited in front of him, or see someone pray salah in front of him, or mention Allah or ramadhan or the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) or mention about a masjid … what would his reaction be? a smile showing a feeling of familiarity, or eyes wide in an overwhelming feeling of appreciation?
there’s so … many … questions i have.
and i’m ready. pen and paper in my hand ready to note it all down and analyse the hell out of it. i /need/ answers.
‘things you said that made me feel like shit’ – okay, I know this is super cheating, but I just couldn’t bear to have Jemma or Fitz say something like this especially with current canon haha. So it’s a different kind of heartache!
“I hate you!” James screams, his face scrunched up in the devastating combination of impotent fury and heartbreak that only the very young can manage. “I hate you and I wish I’d never been born!”
Every cell in Fitz’s body seems to still; synapses refuse to fire in his brain. Is this parenthood? he wonders. He hadn’t known letting a piece of your own heart free into the world would mean there was the possibility of it returning ashamed and angry and wishing for annihilation as some nuclear option solution.
“I think you should go to your room now,” Fitz says, voice even and unflinching. “Just go to your room and stay there until you’ve calmed down.”
James turns and runs, stomping so loudly that dirty dishes rattle in the sink. He slams his bedroom door shut and Fitz winces at the echoing sound.
Fitz presses his fingers against the bridge of his nose, feeling slightly dizzy at how quickly the situation had spun out of control. He replayed his own words in his head and couldn’t see where he might have avoided the escalation. But of course he’s missing something. What other explanation could there be?
He walks to James’s bedroom door and knocks softly. When there’s no response he rests his forehead against the wood and closes his eyes.
“I just want you to know that I love you, James,” he says. “Nothing will change that, okay?”
“Go away!” James yells, and so Fitz does. What else is there to do when your own son hates you? What more can possibly be said?
When Jemma arrives from a late shift in the lab, the usually-cheery house is eerily silent and dark.
“Fitz?” she calls. “James?” She’s not worried, per se, but living the sort of life she’s lived has given her an edge. Sometimes, she still sees monsters lurking in the corners.
She finds Fitz first, sitting at the kitchen table with his head resting against his arms. She can sense sorrow thick as molasses pooling from him.
“Fitz?” she asks again, more softly this time. She sits down next to him and rests a hand on his shoulder, which finally causes him to look up. She can tell he’s been crying and her immediate reaction is to worry about their son.
“He’s fine,” Fitz says, as if reading her thoughts. He jerks his head over his shoulder, in the vague direction of their son’s bedroom. “We got into an…argument.”
“Oh, Fitz,” Jemma says in sympathy. James was normally the sweetest, most well-behaved boy, tender enough to melt your heart, but in the past year he’d decided yelling was the best way to air his frustrations.
“I’m absolute shite at this,” Fitz whispers, burying his head into his arms again. “I have no idea what to say to him.”
“You are not! It’s just a phase…I hope.” She realizes at the same time that Fitz scoffs that she probably hadn’t been very reassuring.
“He said,” and here Fitz lowers his voice even more, as if what James has said is some demon that can be brought forth by simply uttering its name, “he said he hated me and that he wished he’d never been born. That’s…Jemma, he’s eight and his biggest regret is that he exists.”
Jemma’s heart clenches tightly and she chokes on the inhale. Talk of regrets is, all these years later, still a delicate balancing act in their household. She rests her head against his arm, gripping his elbow with her hand. “Fitz, that’s not his biggest regret. He was just throwing a tantrum. He said the same thing to me the other week.”
At this, Fitz looks up, his normally bright eyes dulled with pain but questioning nonetheless. “He said that to you? You didn’t mention it.”
Jemma scrunches up her face, realizing suddenly that she hadn’t. “Of course I was going to,” she shrugs. “But then your mum came to pick him up and he was happy as ever when he came back. And we were in the middle of that big project. It just slipped my mind.”
“It slipped your mind?” Fitz repeats incredulously, as if he can’t imagine how something so awfully momentous could have fallen into the background of their lives.
Jemma smiles, running her hands lightly through his overgrown curls. “One of the boys at school was yelling at his mum the other day. I think they’re all feeding off each other a bit. Anyway, honestly, I don’t think it’s a huge deal. Children say these things. Didn’t you ever say something like that to your mum when you were a kid?”
But even as she says it, even as Fitz’s eyes widen at her question, she knows he never did. Fitz and his mum had been each other’s only allies. It had been the two of them—against his father, against a world they wanted to believe was beautiful despite its cruelty, despite how horribly it had let them down. No, Fitz would never have told his mother he hated her, would never have even thought it.
Jemma wraps her arms around her husband, as if she can shield him from everything. From bullets, from evil organizations infiltrating their lives, from an eight-year-old’s careless words.
“I love you,” she says, peppering kisses along his face. “I love you and James loves you and you are an excellent father. We’ll talk to him together, okay?”
Fitz melts into her, nodding carefully. Jemma sighs. Marriage and parenthood were her two favorite things she’d ever experienced in a lifetime of amazing experiences, but how was she to know letting pieces of your heart reside in other people could amplify your own sorrow?
Jemma places a kiss against his forehead, breathing in the scent of home, knowing her heart had never completely been her own anyway.
Fitz jerks awake, not entirely certain where he is, when he realizes his son is standing at his bedside.
“Daddy?” he whispers, voice thick with tears, and Fitz sits up in concern.
“What is it, James? Are you okay?” Next to him, Jemma hasn’t even stirred.
James shakes his head at the question and throws himself into Fitz’s arms, crying wretchedly into his chest. “I’m sorry, Daddy. I didn’t mean it. I don’t know why I said it. I love you, I promise.”
Fitz draws his legs up so that James is cocooned in his arms and rocks him gently, like he’d done when he was young. James usually fidgets out of his grasp if he feels he’s in any way being treated like a baby, but now he relaxes into Fitz’s embrace, nearly boneless with relief.
“I love you, too, James,” Fitz says against the top of his son’s head. His soft hair reminds Fitz of when he’d been just a baby, of cupping his perfect head in his hands and being terrified and enamored beyond belief.
“You’re my best friend,” James says quietly, and Fitz loses the battle with his own tears at the admission.
“It’s okay,” Fitz reassures him. “It’s going to be okay.” They sit this way for a while, Fitz gently stroking his son’s hair, before he realizes that James is about to fall asleep in his arms.
“How about I take you back to bed?” he asks, but James grips Fitz’s waist tighter and shakes his head.
“Okay,” Fitz says, pretending to think carefully. “How about you stay in here tonight, and tomorrow we make Mummy pancakes so she doesn’t get cross with us?”
James nods and allows Fitz to carefully lift him from his arms and place him in between his parents. Fitz shifts to his side so he’s facing James and kisses his cheek. “Let’s just go to sleep. You’ll feel better in the morning.”
Jemma moves in her sleep suddenly and James widens his eyes, putting a finger to his lips to shush his father. Fitz nods in agreement and they both hold their breath. A moment passes, and then another, and then Jemma turns until she’s curled up protectively against James, still sound asleep.
James grins over at Fitz and then snuggles closer to him. They’re both asleep within minutes.
Listen Zayn continues to do the least and I'm more than ok with this. It could be worse, Zigith could be pregnant for 72 months and then introduce their 'baby' in a grainy picture of a picture. So you know, carry on with the cakes as proof of date and awkward half-assed kisses
The moral of this story is “Count your beard blessings”, kids (AND I DO)
okay so,,, i was just thinking,,, i love my mutuals so much… so why not let them know randomly in an act of an appreciation post ?? im sorry this is so spontaneous i just feel like shouting out to all my best internet buddies so everyone else can check them out bc theyre literally ALL THE BEST. just saying. FOLLOW THEM NOW !!! (pls you wont regret it i promise)
in no order:
@smol-anime-phan133 : ty for being with me through life, you’re literally my therapist and i need you to know that any time you need it, i’ll be there for you bc you’ve always been there for me (even during my 12 yo random phase im v sorry) and I appreciate you💕
@malecfangirl101 man we go wayyyyyy back, but i still appreciate you so much, you’re actually one of the most fabulous people i know. it’s a shame we don’t see each other irl as much but im so glad we text bc seriously it’s great to be able to be so open and yet random and weird to someone as accepting as you ✨
@nutellalester don’t even get me started you are such a bean, daniel !! you contribute some of the best bants to the gc and all the amazing creations (art/writing) you make is literally so good,,,also youve got literally the best music taste ty for existing 💛
@huphilpuffs okay so not only are you literally one of the sweetest people, but you make the prettiest gifs ??? how is this fair at all ??you’ve got so much talent and overall just loveliness and support im super happy to know you ty for everything ☺️
@misshktt oml where do i begin?? youre funny, supportive, open and generally just a really great person to be around !! you literally are toriel it’s not even funny the resemblance is uncanny,,, except less goat and more pure bean ty 💙
@actualhatter there’s so much to say about how great you are i literally could ramble on forever but for everyone’s sake i’ll try to be short: you’re funny, kind, really good at drawing AND you share my addiction to tøp and josh dun in general?? how could a person literally get any cooler?? ty for everything fren 😊
@phantastically-over-life phil lester defence squad unite haha thanks for listening and even agreeing with me when i ramble endlessly about my love and appreciation for phil, you’re really great and friendly, i love talking to you tysm fren💗
@philmeup-dildo i have a feeling this might be the longest paragraph purely bc you are literally one of the best people i know,,, you listen to everything i have to say (im sorry i ramble and complain a lot lol) and overall are just so supportive and kind, as well as we share heaps of interests (okay our music not so much bUT STILL) !! ty for being so open and letting me vent and bant with you bc seriously you have made me laugh when i really needed it so ty for everything 🤗 (also my mum loves you more than me im pretty sure)
@totallynotlevi // @totallynotfics you were one of my first internet friends, Levi, and although some of our interest have changed im so glad we still talk regularly bc you’re literally such a great person and im so happy I’ve found someone who loves pj and tøp as much as me 💚
@you-could-say-im-relocating-it you are the purest and funniest bean to ever exist, our gc owes you for making us laugh all the time with your supportive, funny and relatable personality !! if you ever need anything pls feel free to talk bc id love to get to know you better 😁
@little-cheeky-monkey you deserve the world, honestly im so glad we are mutuals, you’re pretty (even if you don’t realise it yet,, believe me), funny, supportive, really kind and just generally share my love of dogs and hp !!! (pls pet your dogs for me btw so pure) ty for everything and just being yourself you matter a lot ❤️
@heck-yeah-fandoms funny? great? supportive? only some of the many words i could use to describe you, ty so much for being a great fren i appreciate talking to you, you make me smile 😋
@pepperminthowell have you ever met someone that’s just so great and the thought of them being in your life fills you with joy??? you’re that person to me and basically the whole gc,,, seriously thank you for everything it means so much you are way too lovely and good for this world 💜
@isle-of-the-glowing-eyes although we talk on my other side blog, i just wanted to add you here bc you are really relatable, kind and im glad i feel i can be open around you bc you’ve just got such a great personality !! not to mention we also have a huge addiction with tøp oml ty for listening to me ramble haha 🌸
@dan-phil-obsessed we’ve been talking for quite a while now, and i can confidently say that you are honestly one of the nicest people to ever exist. everyone is kind in someway or another so you probably hear me say this a lot in this post, im not lying when I say that but for you seriously I can 1000% say that you are so genuinely considerate, not to mention really pretty, and great at photography/writing 💖
@phandomsandbandoms ty for being such a funny, witty, relatable and overall amazing person. your taste of music is one everyone should aspire to, not to mention your personality and sense of humour !! basically you’re goals tbh 👌
@glittering-litter i can relate way too much to you honestly you have all the tøp (yes I went there) notch memes and literally such a good music taste !! ty for always listening to me annoyingly talk about phan and emo bands whenever we talk hah you’re really great 🙌
@lestersdog ty for making the gc and Tumblr itself just a generally better place, you’re so nice and easy to talk to !!! your kindness and awesomeness is appreciated by me and so many others 💓 also your pride selfies were actually the cutest thing ive ever seen oml
@pasteldoothowell we haven’t talked one on one, but seriously from what i can tell when you talk in the gc you are a really fun person to be around !! ty for just your general awesome presence i feel blessed 😄
@peachou okay so we don’t really talk on private chat but seriously this may come off as creepy but i love your blog so so much and for you to actually follow me and like my posts blows me away !! you are so talented and i just wanna ty for being really amazing 💟
@softiednp this whole group chat, incase i missed someone individually, means the world to me tysm for everything you all are great people that i absolutely love talking to !!! you don’t even know how much i love y'all !! oml 😩👌
if i missed anyone pls punch me, chances are i either wrote you on my list but accidentally missed typing it out bc there’s so many names or literally thought we weren’t mutuals bc you are too cool to be following me :))