Christmas Movie Edition: Love Actually
This is it, people. It’s the day after Christmas, I’ve consumed more white wine in the past two days than the entire cast of Real Housewives of Orange County did all of last season and now I’ve been smacked by a soul-sucking stomach virus as retribution. So there’s only one thing left to do—take on the Mount Everest of Christmas movies. Oh yes, I’m talking about LOVE. FUCKING. ACTUALLY. Gird your loins.
00:00:37 Crikey, I always forget about the 9/11 airport angle they tried to shoehorn into this shit. Nobody looks that happy at the airport, NOBODY. I step foot into LaGuardia and instantly morph into a gremlin after midnight.
00:02:44 “Oh! Fuck wank bugger shitting arse head and hole!” Billy Mack is what my insides look and sound like.
00:06:21 Drinking game: Take a shot every time you see a hideous turtleneck, sweater vest or any other form of aggressively patterned topwear.
00:07:14 DRINK, BITCHES. Also, Chiwetel Egiofor, you are a Commander of the Order of the British Empire—just say no to magenta on your goddamn wedding day.
However, fabulous lady behind you in the feathery magenta hat? YOU. BETTA. WERK.
00:08:30 “Anything to put off actually running a country.” Too real, Hugh Grant, too real.
00:10:04 Chiwetel Magentiofor is marrying Keira Knightley, who’s dressed like a glamorous chicken, so obviously these two are made for each other.
00:10:27 FOR GOD SAKES, LAURA LINNEY. You are a four-time Emmy-winning, three-time Tony-nominated, THREE-TIME OSCAR-NOMINATED WHIRLWIND OF TALENT. Who let you wear this crochet foreskin on your head to a wedding? WHO?
00:11:22 “Oh, pardon me, sorry about that, just have to shove my trombone under the church pew.” I hate everyone at this wedding.
00:12:23 Keira Knightley is mainlining champagne at her own wedding reception which, if I had a full cockatoo nesting in my updo, I would be, too.
00:13:46 “Colin, you’re a lonely, ugly asshole. And you must accept it.” Tony knows what’s up.
00:16:25 I know this is supposed to be a funeral and all but is there no indoor heat in the U.K.? Why is everyone and their mother dressed like they’re trudging through the tundra?
00:16:41 Cue Natasha Richardson-related tears here.
00:18:17 Cue Alan Rickman-related tears here. Genuinely terrified of the day when everyone I know and love from Love Actually will have passed. Except for that fuckturd Colin. He can leave this earth at any time.
00:18:42 Double sweater-vest horror for the price of one. Drink and then drink again.
00:19:28 Side drinking game: take a shot for every HR violation in this movie. GOODBYE LIVER, GOODBYE WORLD.
00:22:24 Ok, so sometimes I’m Billy Mack but all the time, I’m his fat manager.
00:24:01 We’re just going to have to set up an IV of Hennessy for the entirety of the Prime Minister Hugh Grant/Not-Really-Fat-At-All Natalie subplot. Also anything involving that turtleneck trollop, Mia.
00:28:04 “No one’s ever going to shag you if you cry all the time.” Literally years of one-on-one sessions and NOT ONE therapist has ever summed up my life problems as succinctly as Emma Thompson just did.
00:30:30 Laura Linney, I’m docking an Emmy for every godforsaken butterfly clip pinned to your already hideous sweater. I AM NOT FUCKING AROUND.
00:33:20 We’re discussing Non-Fat Natalie’s non-fat thighs whilst in the Prime Minister’s office. You know what to do.
00:36:40 Kentucky Fried Keira might be wearing one of those wildlife-killing plastic soda rings around her neck. Sartorially offensive and environmentally irresponsible.
00:36:55 Professor Snape just smacked Sad Laura Linney in the workplace but she is wearing a sweater that looks like it’s knitted from the stomach spew of a drunkard, so she 100% deserves it.
00:37:33 The Turtleneck Trollop is trying to seduce Professor Snape in this getup. Girl, it literally looks like you wrapped your English muffin in origami. DO LESS.
00:39:19 Oh for fuck’s sake, I totally forgot about that “Mr. Darcy boinks the Portuguese help” subplot. Can anyone be employed in this fudging movie without penetrating their coworkers? Anyone?! NOT EVEN THE FUCKING PRESIDENT CAN KEEP IT IN HIS PANTS.
00:44:42 The Prime Minister just basically launched WWIII because he wants Non-Fat Natalie’s non-fat thighs all to himself. Sadly, this doesn’t seem all that far-fetched considering our current batshit political climate.
00:46:47 I’m not saying I’ve recreated this exact dance in my underpants whilst alone in my apartment but I am saying it’s happened a couple thousand times.
00:49:03 I’m going to need an entire dissertation paper on why the Portuguese help had to disrobe down to her underpants but Colin Firth got to keep on THREE LAYERS OF SHIRTS when they go into the lake for his dump typewritten pages. I want that shit APA style and with full citations and multiple sections dedicated to the Mr. Darcy wet-shirt scene from Pride and Prejudice, you hear me? Also, you should be chugging alcohol straight from a garbage can based on the HR violations in this scene alone.
00:53:11 “I know you’ve never particularly warmed to me.” Well, Kentucky Fried Keira, that might be because you insist upon dressing like the homeless pigeon lady from Home Alone 2.
00:58:02 THIS BITCH. We all know that this bitch just wants to have her own private audience with the Prime Minister’s prime minister and that’s why she’s size-shaming Non-Fat Natalie’s non-fat thighs. If we’re gonna get real, girl, Chris Kirkpatrick had your hairstyle for most of the ’90s and it ain’t doing you no favors, either.
01:03:21 Now, we can all agree that Thomas Brodie-Sangster was one of the cutest children to ever walk the planet, but we’ve got to talk about the hair height on this poor child. Exactly how many foreheads does he actually have under there?
01:04:12 FOUR FLOWER BROOCHES? That’s it, Laura Lonely, I’m taking away your Golden Globes, too.
01:05:37 The Turtleneck Trollop is wearing devil horns to the office Christmas party. At least you can’t accuse her of subtlety.
01:10:10 Laura Lonely is trying to get all up on her co-worker Karl because he looks like he stars in the porn parody of Aladdin but she keeps getting clam-jammed by her unwell brother and it’s just like CAN SOMEONE CUT LAURA LINNEY A GODDAMN BREAK IN THIS MOVIE? She had to go topless for this bullshit and is constantly covered in hideous brooches and FOR WHAT? Not even a little jammin’ of the clammin’ from real-life Aladdin? FOR SHAME.
01:18:05 The Turtleneck Trollop coerced Professor Snape into buying her jewelry without even serving up her English muffin to him yet. She’s a grade-A slutbag but you gotta admit, she’s masterful. Also, if I were on the brink of breaking up a marriage and ruining a family, it would have to be for something that doesn’t look a gold nugget that’s been pooped out and put on a string.
01:20:04 Listen to me: I adore Alan Rickman and mourn his passing on a near-daily basis but the way he says “yogurt” has haunted me for fifteen fucking years and now even more so because I’ve discovered AN ENTIRE SONG OF IT.
Know how you know Colin’s is the worst subplot of Love Actually? It’s soundtracked to not only “Smooth” but also “Wherever
You Will Go.” It goes without saying but we’ll be skipping his scenes from here
01:29:39 Try to argue that Emma Thompson didn’t deserve an Oscar nomination for these three minutes of exceptional acting alone. YOU CAN’T.
01:32:34 This woman only had one scene and she and her overacting eyebrow were going to make it COUNT.
01:34:43 I yell out “I HATE UNCLE JAMIE” at least twice a week, for no reason at all. I wish I was kidding.
01:36:36 The last we see of Laura Lonely, she’s hugging her brother which, okay, cute, but we both know you’d rather be hugging that beautifully tanned Aladdin dick. WE BOTH KNOW IT.
01:37:59 Okay, so we’re at the scene. And I have SO MANY QUESTIONS. Firstly, how did Rick Grimes know that Kentucky Fried Keira was going to answer the door and not Chiwetel Magentiofor? What was the back-up plan, with you standing there with a boom box and notecards declaring your undying love for his wife? What if KFK didn’t play along with the carol singers bit? MANY QUESTIONS, NO ANSWERS. But, real talk, if a dude looking like Andrew Lincoln showed up to my door with all of this fuckery, I would relocate myself into that perfect little chin dimple of his and never come back out, bye.
01:41:10 I am 100% behind this old-man ship between Billy Mack and his fat manager. Which I think also means that I ship myself, er, with myself. Sounds about right.
01:42:12 That earth-shaking screech you just heard was my soul leaving its earthly form due to the fact that a movie about Christmas SPELLED FUCKING CHRISTMAS WRONG.
01:43:41 Why didn’t the Prime Minister just take the goddamn envelope with Non-Fat Natalie’s return address on it for when he searched for her apartment? I’m legitimately getting a migraine from trying to make this movie make any sense.
01:52:09 Yes, the performing kids are adorable but the sparkly scarf-wearing, obviously-gay back-up singing teacher is the real winner of the Christmas talent show.
02:01:25 What is this half-yarmulke that Mini Mariah is wearing to the airport? Also, Five-Head Tommy wouldn’t be able to catch Mini Mariah in time because Heathrow is the seventh circle of hell and also when the guards do catch him, he 100% would be interrogated in the tiny terrorism room because of 9/11 but no, racial profiling and ARGAPSGAIHATGAEIS.
02:04:46 Mr. Darcy is proposing to his Portuguese help even though he doesn’t know her and only spent a few weeks talking at her but she has a cute little lower back tattoo and that’s all he needs to know! Also, I love Colin Firth as an actor but his on-screen kisses look like those adult virgin couples smooching for the first time at their wedding. What is your hand doing?
02:09:31 And now we’re back at the airport and all of the subplots have woven together unrealistically and everyone’s hugging and not miserable and I STILL HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS. Like how are Kentucky Fried Keira and Rick Grimes going to hang out with Chiwetel Magentiofor like nothing happened? Does he ever find out? Does the weight of their collective lie ruin their beautiful biracial marriage? Also, does Emma Thompson go crazy from resentment over Professor Snape cheating on her and kill him in a rage soundtracked to Joni Mitchell? And how does Non-Fat Natalie handle the public pressure of dating the Prime Minister? And does she use her vag power to have him fire Chris Kirkpatrick who shamed her non-fat thighs? AND WHERE THE FUCK DID LAURA LINNEY GO? Someone send me Pepto-Bismol and a new brain, please and thank you.