i mean the animation is fantastic i wish more things were done like this

‘cause when you walked into the room just then

theatre au collab with @alrightpotter. here’s her part.

a/n: lucie, my love!!! happy birthday!!! i’d want to know you if you reached peak gay or became buffy summers dog or could only eat car tires. i love you badly. id probably give up weetbix for you. have the best day in the world.


Godric’s Post                                                                              8th February 2009

Film: The Wind In the Whomping Willows
Director: Bathilda Bagshot
Plot Summary: 4 friends go for a picnic. Boredom ensues.

I’ve never liked Bathilda Bagshot, and yes this may have been because of an incident at one of my parents’ house parties where she literally hissed at me when I reached for another baked potato, but the point still stands. She continues rely on prolonged dialogue scenes that don’t move the plot along and stretch to the point of absurdity, until the viewer is begging for a change in scene, shot, anything, only to presented with (unbelievably) yet more boredom.  

So put aside whatever resentment you’re harbouring that I just name dropped Bathilda Bagshot and that she used to come to my house, and wallow in how wasted my Friday night was watching this garbage. My personal highlight was the closing credits, because it meant I could at last be free from this endless hell of four people sitting in a wood, talking about sandwiches and grass for two hours straight.

Naturally I imagine some people enjoyed the film, (Bagshot does know her way around a camera, I’ll give her that, the cinematography was flawless.) however dear, cherished, hopefully-subscribed-and-not-reading-this-on-the-free-trial-reader, I must ask: who doesn’t like a little during movie commentary? Before Friday I would have said no one, but after Friday I would have to say no one, with the exception of uptight, haughty gingers.

Rather like Penelope Clearwater’s unfortunate character in The Wind in the Whomping Boredom, I too found myself being falsely accused of a crime I did not commit. In Clearwater’s case (she shines in the film, despite Bagshot’s insistence she be holding a mirror in every scene) it was of stealing the picnic sandwiches. Mine was the slightly more serious charge of ‘injuring’ a fellow reviewer.

I want it stated for the record that no such injury occurred, and that as far as I am aware popcorn is rarely classified as an assault weapon, but I am willing to hear argument on the matter. However I could be wrong because the reviewer in question seemed to genuinely enjoy the Wind In the Whomping Waste of Time, so maybe it wasn’t her eye that should be examined, but her brain.

In summary: this film has done the impossible and been even more tedious than Bagshot’s last effort, A History of the Snake Inside Me, which I didn’t think possible. My nine-year-old criticisms rarely stand up to scrutiny but I think my judgement of Ms Bagshot being The Worst has proven correct. Furthermore, I want it noted for no particular reason at all that if at any point I am contacted by a lawyer about paying medical bills for a non-existent injury, I will do something else ‘ridiculous’ and ‘childlike’ like toilet papering a Certain Reviwers house or broadcasting my witty and hilarious movie commentary over a loudspeaker during each and every film I will ever attend from this point on.

(the editor Remus J. Lupin wishes to clarify for legal reasons that comments above are aimed at no particular individual, all wishes views presented are the writer and the writers views alone, and to please not sue the paper)


Godric’s Post                                                                                  3rd March 2009

Film: 101 Fantastic Beasts
Director: Newt Scamander
Plot Summary: CGI animals have a good time. Audience have a good time.

Scamander has always had a talent for animation, even his questionable films like Beasts Which Are Fantastic If Only We Knew Where To Find Them (nonsensical, long-winded title) and The Porpentina Goldstein Story (thought it was going to be about hedgehogs. It was not.) should be seen purely for their onscreen beauty alone.

Thankfully, 101 Fantastic Beats wasn’t a repeat of the Hedgehog Incident but rather exactly what it says on the tin, 101 Fantastic Beasts romping around the city and having a jolly good time, until one of them dies and the entire world becomes a bleak hell-scape that you are desperate to escape because you can’t stop crying.

Unfortunately my screening experience of this charming film was somewhat hindered by the near constant stream of insults and accusations of ‘eye assault’ from a Certain Reviewer which culminated in said reviewer tipping popcorn that Was Not Hers across The Innocent Victims Lap.

The reviewers in question needn’t have ever spoken again but because a Certain Reviewer had slandered another Wholly Blameless Reviewer in her paper, which the Wholly Blameless Reviewer’s Mother reads, some things had to be sorted out. And those things were trying to get the Certain Reviewer to print a retraction so the Wholly Blameless Reviewers Mother would stop bloody going on about it.  

On top of this Wholly Blameless was mocked mercilessly for showing emotion during what ranks as one of the most heart-breaking scenes of all time, next to such movie moments as the ending of Dead Poets Society and the shooting of Bambi’s mother in Bambi. Obviously a Certain Reviewer needs to borrow a heart so she doesn’t have to poke fun at others for having what she does not: feelings. Wholly Blameless would be happy to lend her some of his, as he’s just good like that and not at all the ‘slice of expired a*shole’ he’d previously been accused of being.

101 Beasts has heart (unlike Certain Reviewer’s) and is appropriate for the whole family excluding twelve year olds, because obviously they’re terrible and you’d never want to take them anywhere anyway, so it’s a win-win.

(The editor wishes to clarify that the writers list of saddest movie moments is flawed because it has left off the Jack death scene from Titanic because the writer thinks ‘Cameron clearly emotionally manipulated the audience’ and ‘there was plenty of room for both of them on that door’ because the writer is an imbecile. The editor cannot believe he is the film critic.)


Godric’s Post                                                                                  11th April 2009

Film: The Cupboard Under The Stairs
Director: Gilderoy Lockhart
Summary: You really don’t want to know.

Gilderoy Lockhart has won two Oscars, and yet every time I watch one of his films I have to forcefully remind myself that it wasn’t shot by a nine-year old with a camcorder who uses their dog as a sound assistant. The dullness of the film will stun and bewilder all who see it, as it defies reason why such a thing should be made.

True Hairy Chins Shouldn’t Be Seen By The Public was wildly funny (despite meaning to be a serious documentary), but aside from that I can’t think of a Lockhart film I’ve ever enjoyed aside from classics like Gadding With Ghouls and Travels With Trolls which hardly look like Lockhart films at all, despite him having directed them.

Cupboard Under The Stairs is so mind-blowing ridiculous, from the wooden dialogue to the extended shots of director and star Lockhart doing mind-numbingly boring tasks while smiling garishly, that when I found myself sitting next to a Certain Reviewer I didn’t even bother to move but rather stayed if only to have something to do. A slight physical fight broke out, and by fight I mean a Certain Reviewer hit me for a comment I made about the twenty second long director credit, so obviously I pinched her, and then before I knew what was happening we had been thrown out.

I don’t want you to think, dear reader who has clicked on this review and therefore pays my rent, that I might have acted unprofessionally by getting thrown out a movie twenty minutes in. I want to clarify: I absolutely acted unprofessionally. There is no ‘might’ about it. But my point still stands: the film was garbage, and that fact that I could tell this from only the first twenty minutes is further evidence of its garbagery.

Now I know at this point you’re all clambering to hear more about the two hours I spent alone with a Certain Reviewer, as for some bizarre reason, you’re all incredibly interested in our relationship built off pure loathing and irritation. Well, prepare yourselves readers, because a Certain Reviewer’s favorite filmmaker is not only Wes Anderson (!! There should be a limit to the amount of pastel on a screen at one point). But she also hasn’t read the best novel of all time, The Great Gatsby, and then told me that that ‘wasn’t that weird’ and asked me to ‘close my mouth’ because ‘its been two minutes’ and its ‘getting weird’.

However she did earn points back by liking Star Wars (if she hadn’t, I may have committed a crime worse than Cupboard Under the Stairs’ acting) and she also noted that Leonardo DiCaprio in Romeo + Juliet was her sexual awakening, and I to felt a deep attraction to DiCaprio and still do despite his insistence on growing a beard every few years. She laughed at this, but I think it was a laugh of agreement, so therefore it wasn’t bad.

Cupboard Under the Stairs was one of the worst atrocities committed to film, but a Certain Reviewer agreed that Han shooting first was an important part of his character, so all is not wrong with the world.


Text from James Potter to Sirius Black: do u think i look like leonardo dicaprio

Sirius Black: no

Sirius Black: is this bc evans said she liked him

James Potter: absolutely not


Text from James Potter to Remus Lupin: do i look like leo dicaprio

Remus Lupin: firstly, dont call him leo

Remus Lupin: and secondly, obvsly not

Remus Lupin: no two people have ever looked more different

James Potter: fuck u


Text from James Potter to Peter Pettigrew: do i look like leo dicaprio

Peter Pettigrew: no u look like u have a thing for evans

Peter Pettigrew: sirius told me to say that

Peter Pettigrew: whos evans

James Potter: do u not even read my fuckin column pete

Peter Pettigrew: it costs four pounds a week to subscribe to ur shitty paper i don’t have that kind of money


Godric’s Post                                                                                     3rd May 2009

RED CARPET WATCH

The Godric’s own Sirius Black, gossip columnist extraordinaire, was sent to the Red Carpet premiere of A Streetcar Named the Knightbus and reported back to us on all the hot gossip and glamour of the night.

In what may have been my favorite red-carpet to date, not in the least because Rita Skeeter was thrown out for badgering guests only ten minutes in, but because the greatest thing in the world happened. It was so great in fact, that I managed to look past the colossal injustice of me not being invited to walk the carpet myself, which was clearly a mistake (the editor Remus J Lupin would like to clarify it was not) and have a roaring good night.

May I just clarify that by roaring good night I mean I got absolutely plastered (The editor wishes to state that The Godric does not promote drinking) so the night comes back to me in bits, and from what I can remember everyone looked great. I can’t remember what the film was about, or even if they let me in (editor: they did not.) but even if it wasn’t I’m sure the film was good too. (editor: it was average)

But as I mentioned above, the best thing in the world happened, and that was that The Godric’s very own film critic James Potter got to walk the red carpet. He will tell you this is because his insightful and poignant columns are finally getting the attention they deserve. Any sane person would then loudly talk over him and say the real reason is because he’s become rapidly more popular with the introduction of a Miss Lily Evans, also a film critic, into his weekly reviews. Or, as James calls her, A Certain Reviewer. (editor: for legal reasons the editor must assert that A Certain Reviewer could be any individual and to please not sue the paper for defamation.)

Turns out Miss Evans had a popularity boost as well, because she was also on the red carpet, looking ravishing in a backless teal ballgown, and honestly, readers, it was a sight to see Evans in that dress. Potter obviously thought so to, as he spent the entire night staring. And not subtle staring. Obvious, in-awe, I-can’t-believe-a-person-can-look this-good, staring.

Now, once I’d gotten over the fact that not once in our ten-year friendship had James ever given me that look, I was absolutely thrilled. I had a thirty pound bet going that they’d be together by May and I’d just won, if that look was any indication. (the editor: it was twenty pounds.)

Furthermore, Evans and Potter spent the entire night talking, not even noticing how the cameras had utterly latched on to them despite having no idea who they were, purely based on the looks they were giving each other. It was a sight to behold, seeing two utterly oblivious people in formalwear hold a conversation probably about the merits of dressing gowns (they talk about weird stuff like that) while what felt like the entire world took photos.

Now I’m aware I’m meant to be discussing the gossip and glamour from the whole night and not just two D-list celebrities who happen to both be my friends. But consider this: I do not care. These photos are modern art. Both so clearly have a crush on each other it’s embarrassing. Even Moony would have to agree (the editor: I do.). Anyway, in summary of the night: I bet everyone reading this that they’ll be screwing in a month. Mark my words.

[image: a man in a suit and a woman in a dress, against a while backdrop with A Street Car Named the Knightbus film logo printed across it. Her head is turned towards him, laughing, holding a delicate purse. He is looking at her, mouth parted, like she is the first girl he has ever seen. Something to be looked at just to make sure she didn’t disappear, blown by the wind, like in a dream. A dream girl- except not. A real girl, in a real dress, in a real place. He can’t quite believe it. A hundred camera flashes go in the background.]


Text from Sirius Black to James Potter: so whens the wedding

James Potter: i fuckin hate u


Sirius Black renamed the group james’ got the hots for evans

James Potter: this is cyber bullying

James Potter: im calling netsafe

Remus Lupin renamed the group netsafe cant help the fact that ur in love with evans

James Potter renamed the group stop now

Sirius Black renamed the group not a chance mate


Sirius Black created the Facebook Page Lily Evans and James Potter should get it on

This page received 17,798 likes.


Text from Lily Evans to Sirius Black: im going to fucking maim u. take it down.

Sirius Black: sent a link

Lily Evans: if that’s a link to the fucking page i will cut your balls off

Sirius Black: its not

Sirius Black: on an unrelated note do not click on that link it is a virus I just remembered


Remus Lupin created the Facebook Page Lily Evans and James Potter should get it on part two because lily made us delete the last one

This page received: 21,104 likes.


(don’t forget to check out ellie’s part here)

The Affair - Chapter 5

Summary: The Reader (OC) returns home to find Tom home, but still has an interaction with Negan that actually makes a nice end to her day.

Characters: Negan, Reader (OC) & Tom (OC)

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Swearing & Masturbation

AO3 Link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/10224827/chapters/24044262

Tags: @jasoncrouse @ronweaselz @hiddlesdowneyjr @ali-pennell @melodicdolls @namelesslosers @deepsouth @shanaatjelove11 @warriorqueen1991 @caitydestroys @acklesdowneyandhiddles-ohmy @jaylaelizabethw @prettyepiic @negans-dirty-girl @mamaredd123 @jdmsgal @alyisdead @memphisgirl1977 @negans-network @esmerhya @carrter5 @karaokke @freaktesque @jmackie1983 @jaylaelizabethw *As always, please let me know if you want to be added to the tags or if you wanted to be taken off!*  

Keep reading

Final Thoughts on FFXV

So, I finished the game a few days ago and needed an outlet for my thoughts and feelings because oh man did Chapter 14 bring the feels train fast and hard. To the point where I am giving PSA’s at work about it to my co workers who are playing the game.

 

Before I start, I just want to say that I had been following the game development for a few years now and was undecided after playing the Platinum demo how much I was going to like the game.  I am a traditionalist when it comes to Final Fantasy games and when they change things to much I don’t like it (looking at you X-2).  So when I saw the battle system I was a little skeptical that I would like it.  But none the less I gave it a chance especially after all the hype and how well done the Brotherhood anime was.

 

With that said, there a few things I need to get off my lady chest:

 

- The throw away dialog and puns in this game were just everything. (What are you my mother?  Mums the word ahahaha)  And the animation in battles and while driving were so fantastic (Ie when your driving Gladio and Prompto start plugging their nose and getting mad at Noctis like he farted in the car.  Like omg lol that is such a bro thing I can’t even.)

 

- I am fairly certain Regis somehow sabotaged the car to delay the journey long enough so they wouldn’t be anywhere near the Crown City when the NIff’s pulled their bull shit.  I mean Cid more or less implies it in the game and Regis doesn’t seem that stupid to not know it was a trap and wanted to save his son. (hence why the wedding was to be in Altissia)

 

- How did Gladio get his orginal scars?  Did he get into a fight about cup of noodles defending their honor?  Also what the fuck happened when he went off those few days on his own.  I mean I have theories (see my post below about Gladio and the Cup of Noodles cult) but damn it I will riot in the streets if his DLC doesn’t explain it.

 

- I really want to know more about the girl Galdio is seeing 10 years later.  I mean he is obviously smitten with her to bring her up to them the eve of their taking the city back.

 

- Iris is queen.

 

- Prompto’s heart belongs to Cindy.

 

- Prompto’s heart also belongs to Noctis (I didn’t get Promptis until I played the game and my god do I ship it.  I ship it so hard.)

 

- Is it ever explained why Cor is called Cor the Immortal?  Maybe his DLC will explain it but I imagine it’s because either he is really immortal or its a derogatory term used towards him because he always seems to miss the big battles?  I am thinking the later because he doesn’t seem to happy about being called that.

 

- I feel like Noctis and Luna had this Romeo and Juliet thing going on for awhile.

 

- I wish they went into their relationship more in the game…I mean obviously there was more to this engagement than just political reasons.  They obviously cared for each other.

 

- The Chocobo side quests were everything in this game.  I mean they might be my favorite Chocobos in a final fantasy game of all time.

 

- I may or may not have driven the Regalia in first person view so I could turn the camera directly on Ignis and just stare at that beautiful man’s face for hours.

 

- “That’s it!  I’ve discovered a new receipe” will now become a trigger of mine.

 

- Sorry Phichit from Yuri on Ice!! but Prompto Argentum is the new king of selfies.

 

- Also sooooooo many butt shots in this game.  I mean come on Prompto….we get it you have a thing for butts…expecially Glaido’s butt.

 

- Prompto really did take the best pictures.  I mean dude’s got a gift. (Also I was undecided if I was going to enjoy this feature in the game but my god if it was not my favorite thing to do out of all the guys special skills.  I loved to see what pictures Prompto took today)

 

- Speaking of Prompto…all this time I thought his insecurities stemmed from being a ackward fat kid (can so relate to that) but nope, not at all.  Dude had the darkest back story of the game.  I mean after Chapter 13 I just wanted to bundle him up and protect him at all costs.

 

- Also, apparently he was adopted as a baby but how did he know he was an MT?  Did he just make the connection while they were traveling or did he always know?  Or did Ardyn tell him?  So unclear.

 

- In the beginning I kind of hated Noctis.  I thought he was just this emo trash kid who was sheltered in life and didn’t want to grow up.  But by the end of it all I was literally on my knees bowing to the almighty true king.  I mean jesus did he redeem himself in the end.

 

- I’m not ok with the fact that Prompto never met Lunafreya or saw Pryna again.

 

- I was more upset about Ignis going blind than I was about Luna getting stabbed.

 

- Ignis being blind the rest of the game was worse than if they just killed him off.  It was so sad to play pretty much 4 chapters watching him struggle.

 

- I am fairly sure Cid lived with Ignis during the 10 years Noct was gone.  Like Ignis took him in and took care of him while they were in Lestallum.  Iggy is such a stand up guy.

 

- Ardyn just screamed stranger danger throughout the whole game.  I mean in Lestallum I was screaming at my tv for them to not go with him.  Like really that red convertible was literally a big white shady van.

 

- Also I feel no sympathy for Ardyn at all.  He was a sick twisted mother fucker.  I mean he had the images of all his ‘kills’ hanging above the thrown.  That is a sick and twisted man-demon.

- However I do feel sympathy for Ravus.  Poor bastard loved Luna so much and was really the casualty of this shitty war between Lucis and Niffilheim.

 

- The Final Fantasy call backs in this game we great (the soundtracks from old games, Wedge, Biggs, the Spira bank etc etc)

- Noctis sitting on the throne after defeating Ardyn killed me so much.  He was so strong and just accepted his fate.  Poor guy never had a chance for anything else.  God damn destiny.

 

- Nothing in life has ever made me cry sobbing ugly tears like the camp fire scene during the credits.  I mean I was crying the minuet they were all sitting there silent not wanting to bring up the big white elephant in the room and then Noct just telling them he made peace with his fate and fucking Prompto just sobbing and god damn it even Galdio had tears in his eyes I just couldn’t take it.  It was too much.  I am still not over it and never will be.  I re-watched the scene again on Youtube a few times and I still ugly cry.  No scene in a video game has ever made me that emotional before.

 

- The scene at the end with Luna and Noct I thought was nice but so sad.  Why couldn’t the six just grant them their lives back for being so pure and good?

 

- Also, I am certain the chocobros lived.  I think the scene in the afterlife was just Ardyn hallucinating and Noct drawing on their bond to finish them off.  Otherwise why all the emphasis on rebuilding and Gladio making note of the structures being save able and the whole walk tall speech?  Noct was leaving the rebuilding process to them.

 

- My ending head cannon would be Noct and Luna coming back and the chocobro’s meeting them on the steps of the Citadel and everyone reuniting and Noctis introducing her as his fiance and Luna healing Ignis’s eyes so that he can finally see dawn and everyone giving Gladio shit about the girl he’s been seeing and then teasing Prompto about pursuing Cindy for 10 years.

 

 

In the end I got an epic bro road trip that turned into a runaway feels train that came crashing down hard.

 

But I still loved the game anyways.

My final thoughts about Volume 3 I think and then hopefully I won’t keep talking about it. (lmao i said the same thing about Volume 2 AND YET…)

Actual attempt at respectful, constructive critique. But if you don’t like me or my posts, there’s literally no point in you looking at this, and there’s no point in showing this to your little friends that also dislike me. So don’t bother with stressing yourself out.

(Read More)

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Goodbye Gravity Falls

For the last few years, I’ve watched the series called Gravity Falls and loved every second of it. It’s been a passionate choice for me, and despite my love for other cartoons, Gravity Falls has always been my favorite. And I mean, my favorite cartoon of all time. No series I’ve ever been a part of takes itself this seriously without being too overly dramatic. It was a series that was, instead, fun! Every joke, every danger, every heartwarming and tear jerking moment has been genuine and incredible. It knew when to be a comedy, and when to be emotional, and it’s pacing was phenomenal. If there were ever qualms I had about the series, it would be some less-than-spectacular episodes like some of the first, and that it was ending too soon, but I’ll leave that for later.

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In truth the series went further and took bigger turns than any other series. It had a mystery that was fun to solve, with clues hidden almost everywhere. It had foreshadowing like I’ve never seen and continuity that made the story feel real, even if it was about Cloning Copy-Machines and Rainbow Barfing Gnomes. The characters changed and grew, and when it came time for the series to close it felt like they had actually taken a summer-long journey, been broken and built back up, like no characterization I’d seen before. Dipper became stronger. Mabel grew more serious, Stan developed a heart. Anti-Villains like Robbie and Pacifica became likeable, and side-characters like Wendy and Soos gained depth. And the villainous Bill Cipher was phenomenal. As for art and music, it was all beautiful and perfect for the moment; lighting, tone, and themes perfectly set the mood for the moment at hand.

 

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When news came that the series was coming to a close, I had already seen it coming, so I wasn’t as sad as I should have been. There were many opportunities to continue the series from here, but as invested as I am in this series, I think it’s ready to end. This journey has been great, but every journey has a point where things have to close up. I wished I could have seen more, or that a series of equal greatness was currently airing for me to shift devotion to, but nothing currently running quite matches the exact quality that the series has met. A potential candidate to shift my focus to once the last episode is done with would be Steven Universe, the only airing cartoon series to come even close to the quality of Gravity Falls, a series I consider it’s “Sister Series” due to how similar they are quality wise.

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As the last episode draws near, I will cherish it while it lasts, and continue to love the series even after it’s put to rest, awaiting the day I find another series that exceeds the standards Gravity Falls set. Let’s take this time to reminisce, and thank the team for all their hard work and sacrifice that it took to make this work of art a reality. To Alex Hirsch, Kristen Schaal, Jason Ritter, and everyone else who was a part of this; thank you. You made the last few years of my childhood and the beginning of my adulthood an adventure. A weird, fantastic adventure. For all you’ve done, you have my love, and I’d like to make it clear that I was inspired to pursue my own animation career thanks to you. Thank you, for everything.

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Now as I close this, let’s remember some of the greatest moments of Gravity Falls, the number 1 cartoons of the 2010’s…

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Stan going behind the vending machine in episode 1…

The revelation that Gideon has Journal 2…

Mabel’s first kiss…

The appearance of Bill Cipher…

The reason Stan is hard on Dipper…

Gideon taking over the mystery shack…

Dipper saving Mabel from Gideon, and Mabel saving both of them…

The universe portal’s reveal…

Experiment 210’s warning to Dipper…

McGucket finding his memories…

The return of Bill Cipher…

Pacifica’s redemption…

And the tapestry at the end of Northwest Mansion Mystery…

STAN PINES DEAD…

And Ford, the Author of the Journals…

The Stan twins’ past…

The Dimensional Rift being revealed…

Mabel punching Celestebellebethabel…

Bill Cipher’s third appearance…

Dipper saving Ford, and Mabel’s heart being broken

Bill possessing Blendin Blandin…

And most of Weirdmagedon.

Here’s to the future; to the end of the journey; to growing old…

…but never having to grow up…