i make the same face when i wake up every morning

Back to staying up till 2 am
facing the same window every night
Listening to the same song over and over because it just hurts it digs into my heart
in a way that’s too familiar

Back to putting my pillows on the opposite side of the bed
so that I don’t sleep the same way I did
when you slept in the same bed

And sometimes I lay down dead sober
And you’re all I fucking see
when all I’m trying to do is sleep
but sometimes I’m so drunk
that the car lights that pass by my house
look like they’re spinning
and when I close my eyes sometimes
I’m still dizzy but at least its not blurry visions of you and me or worse
you and her

I get drunk because it reminds me of being with you or maybe just being left by you or maybe it just makes my heart hurt in a different way

Cause when I wake up in the morning
All I have is a painful reminder
And isn’t it ironic that you remind me
of something so fucking toxic

But I’m always dying for another taste

I still always want you in the morning

—  Hungover

People keep telling me to let go,
Make peace,
Move on.

How do I move on from somebody that was supposed to be one out of two people that I could always rely on,
Getting past the hissing of you telling me we were even seems impossible,
Every now and again I’m okay and good, but then it’s as if I turn a corner and your words are right there,
Your actions spoke louder, and now here I am at two in the morning, barely able to work, with this choked sob in my throat because I can still feel the emotion of waking up to the words of your attempt,
I blink and I still see you slumped over his shoulder as he carried you to the car trying to rush and get you to the hospital,
Every second of it is on a replay.

Everyone at work asks me how you are,
and living in such a small town doesn’t make it easier because they all have the same confused look on their face when my face scrunches and I blink away tears only to shrug in response at mere mention of you,
How do I look at them and make the words of your disappointment in me tumble out,
because I don’t think I can.

I have all of these memories with you, and so many things bring them rolling back with waves of nausea,
There are times when I curl up into a fetal position and I break,
I pull over in my car because I can’t see well enough through my tears to drive,
I go out with friends to get drunk and wipe you from my mind,
Yet I see you in the face of the addict around the corner asking for money so he can buy.

I tremble whenever I answer a line at work,
Do you remember teaching me how to take calls here,
How to ask the right questions,
What about sharing a rare drink together when I got released to work,
I sure as hell remember it,
You looked like you were proud at me for the first time in forever,
Had I known you would rip that away from me a few weeks later, I would’ve left even sooner,
It hurts coming in here for a shift,
It breaks me every single time,
Because what happens when I pick up the line and the daily nightmares come true,
What happens when it’s you I’m having to talk to,
and what happens when you finish what you started a year ago.

Normally I put up the facade that I can handle anything, and typically I can,
But I can’t handle that,
I can’t handle this,
I can’t handle the consistency of waiting around for you to put me through it all over again and actually accomplishing your goal,
This was never a game to me, but I know it was to you,
I’m sorry for walking away, but you should be sorry for making me be the parent,
You should be sorry for breaking my heart more than the first girl I ever loved,
You should be sorry for destroying me like this because I am still on the ground falling the fuck apart and I can’t seem to get back on stable feet,
I want to despise you and hate you so fucking bad, but I can’t,
I’d take forgetting you even existed if I could, but let’s be real,
At the end of the day I’m much more like you than I want to be,
I have your nose and we share the same birth mark,
I have your laugh and the same rings of freckles,
The only thing I don’t have is you, a father that could never and will never be the man he claimed to be,
I’m sorry for not being able to handle it all, but I’m not sorry for walking away when you broke me.

You beat me to the ground and kicked me to the curb, so please stop asking for me to come back,
Quit creating new scars and digging into the old ones,
Stop reaching out,
You lost me the same time that I started losing bits of myself because of you,
Please stop,
If you can do one thing right as a father, I am begging you to never come back,
I am begging you to stay away.

You are my comfort zone, I’m still finding bits of you on other people. You’re the only one who can make me feel loved and saved at the same time. Whenever you’re around, I feel like I don’t have to worry on anything. And when you’re away, I’m missing you every minute we’re apart. The moment you turn your back and says you have to go home, I want to hug you from the back like I want you to be right beside me until I fall asleep. I want to see your face every morning I wake up and spend my whole day just being in your arms. I love your voice, your laugh, your smile, every single thing about you. I love you. I love you.
—  // 9-6-’16, 10:31pm